JonasVE12

I did crossdress from the age of 12 or so until now. Thought it was just a sexual fetish, but recently discovered I'm actually trans. Been fighting, repressing, denying and hiding this part of me my whole life so it's so relieving to unify with this part. Feels amazing and scary at the same time. Crossdressing was just a way for me to test the waters of femininity I guess. For me it was usually combined with autogynephilia. Some months ago I could embrace crossdressing & autogynephilia as my sexuality without even knowing it was about gender identity at that point. But like instantly after that acceptance, that was letting all these other feelings surface and I just allowed it to expand and guide me to it's essence. Seriously felt a bit like a high dose of mushrooms, for all you psychedelic lovers here, only sober. But yeah, it's clear now and I am certain. And no, it's not delusional. They are just your feelings and if something excites you, that excitement is just a part of you, expressing through you. It's just the truth. Remember that delusion is only something that occurs in the mind. When you walk on the street and you see the sun going under, you enjoy it's beauty. I don't know anyone who doesn't enjoy a nice sunset. Every feeling in response to any experience, both internally or externally is just a reflection of the person through which the experience propagates, which you are. Some feelings like enjoying a nice sunset are feelings we collectively share for the most part. Those are universal. But becoming excited about women clothes isn't. That's unique to your being. It's subconscious. the delusion is just the experience of you not being able to relate to feelings because they are formed pre-consciously, and you are only left with the effect, not the cause. You can get clues of the cause through exploring the source of the feeling. but yeah it's definitely your feeling. And you're always exploring more of yourself. No matter what you do. That's a constant. You are exploring yourself. No doubt. And if that feeling is poking at you a lot, and has been doing so for a long time, it most likely means that something is waiting to be discovered. Wether you're scared or just inhibited to open that box, it does not care. It's importance will reveal itself to you transparently. But that doesn't mean you will happily explore it. Especially something like crossdressing. But if you never explore it, well, you will never know what it wants to tell you. Maybe it's not important or maybe it is. I thought it wasn't. I never connected those feelings to a larger truth. That shows how you cannot be sure until you surrender. Surrender is hard though but inevitable if you care about unifying and harmonizing your being with all the aspects that is inherintly, willingly or unwillingly you. If you do, in the end, you'll always feel more alive and more like yourself. Most resistance is just projected fear which is in most cases comes from an assumption which is false but you feel is true. But sometimes it is a valid fear. If it's important to you, then you may deal with it, otherwise try to burry it. But yeah, hehe, who will tell you what it means for you. Remember, just like if you make a really good cake and put on the side for eating later, but you forget about it for a few days, well, that's no worries, not much will change. The cake is still good and after a couple days, you'll still enjoy it. But forget about it for weeks and if the cake is still good, you can eat it but it won't taste as good as compared to when you would eat it on day 1. And when it's rotten, it means you have to throw it away. But it will smell shit in your house while it rots. That's the side-effect. After you throw it away, you don't care anymore. It's a cake. But man, has your life been so much more amazing if you ate that cake on day 1... Lastly, I'd also say, after being connected to this word for more than a decade, there are a couple of well observed motives for why people crossdress. You can loosely catagorize some of these motives in sub-groups of the crossdressing population. first, non-sexual crossdressers who dress from the beginning of puberty usually, that is if their environment is not psychologically restricting them. Otherwise, they may also explore it later in life in better conditions. The given constant for this group is an early consciously recognized feeling, experienced as a magnetic pull towards dressing up like a woman. For most in this group, the desire to dress is very strong and rooted strongly in their subconscious. It remains there for their whole life. Another group is a combined type where they crossdress and experience sexual gratification from that. Autogynephilic crossdressers and crossdressers who identify as a sissy are 2 subgroups within this latter subgroup. Sissy people are crossdressing as a secondary aspect of their primary motive. Autogynephilics do it as part of their sexualized projection of the female spirit onto themselves. Also transgenders who crossdress as part of their evolution to recognizing themselves as such, is another one. These are the most apparent but I'm aware of many more subtle ones. And it's also a lot more nuanced and many people integrate aspects of many different subgroups, but they typically have one primary subgroup that they identify with most. It's very common for people to progress from one of these groups to identifying as a transwoman or man. By the way, it is a lot more common than you think. Probably there is one living in your street. You'd be suprised.

You don't need any technique to fix this. What needs to happen is that you become grounded in feeling vulnerable and showing those emotions to the people in front of you. Allowing yourself to express from shame and fear. Stepping into it more. Even when you are not feeling shameful and fearful, you should actually seek that emotion more until you learn to become grounded in it and grow from it. Eventually you'll get less and less shame and fear but it all starts with actively seeking the emotion through having certain experiences that trigger it. And then learning to become open and vulnerable in it, accepting the feeling fully. That's how you release fear. And when you are just in a fearful and shameful state, then show it. Own it fully. Radically accept it and feel the courage in owning your vulnerability because eventually that courage is going to release the shame. It comes mostly because you are in resistance to it.

What do you think is the bigger picture here?

You need a powerful fantasy. Something that convinces you. If you have to convince yourself constantly, it is not powerful enough. You need to let go a little more and do other things. Like losing yourself in something small, but something that gets you in the now, into feeling. Explore the external world more. Do something that allows you to stop overthinking. Then suddenly you may be hit by that fantasy and it is just so powerful that you can't control it. It becomes a purpose that is so convincing that you change for that purpose and you become connected to it so much that you surrender your ego and you become that thing. Nothing will stand in the way. And you need to be able to destinguish a weak fantasy from a strong one. And just stop giving attention to weak fantasies. It is all related to the feeling you're gathering around that fantasy which gives it power. Change only comes from feeling the power of a fantasy and then letting it guide you to take the right action but that will come by itself. The only thing that matters if connecting to that fantasy and building the fire through imagination, inner exploration and also out exploration of that fantasy. Don't take action on it for a few weeks when fantasies arise. If you really want it, it will stay. Don't rush yourself. And if it is worthwhile, it will only become stronger. So strong that it will let you take action because you can't control yourself anymore. Just be honest with yourself when fantasy or goals arrise. See things with discernment. Consider what you're feeling when being with the fantasy. Excitement? Purpose? Adventure? Do you believe in it? Do you believe you can achieve it? Do you enjoy the images it gives you when visualizing both the process and the end result? Can you feel the growing sense of accomplishment and the freedom that comes with it when you see those images of you working towards that goal? Allow many days to explore if those feelings arise in relationship to the fantasy. Keep an open eye and even look for things to make the fantasy stronger. If it is worthwhile, you'll feel a sense of certainty and willingness. And then you commit on that journey. Now you'll have a reason to eat healthy. And to meditate. You just need to get a higher purpose to connect those to. And then you'll be commited to integrate those. If it feels relevant and important to that higher goal, you'll be commited. Why would you do hard work that requires effort if you are not truly excited and convinced? There is a future vision for you that will excite you and that is big for you. Just let go of small things and look for your biggest possibility. Just don't be needy. Sometimes you just need to explore a little more of the external world. I've only ever had 2 worthwhile fantasies. And they both came from the external world. Trying to construct fantasies is mostly just desperation. It needs to flow into you. I'd love to hear from you what your fantasies are. Why you chose them. How you got to them. I'd love to hear everything. Why did you choose programming 16 hours on the weekends? Why do you want to do that? Why do you want to eat healthy? Why do you want to meditate 1 hour a day. I'd love to read everything. Just everything the goal means to you. Even if it ends up being 20 pages, I love to read it all.

Fantasy is what matters. And if you don't naturally have any fantasies that sprakle feeling in you, then exploring the external world more will stimulate that. There will come fantasies that will build feelings of belief, excitement, faith, certainty, joy, power, freedom, etc in you. And when it starts to feel realistic to you, you will wake up with purpose. And that's a feeling that overpowers all of your laziness. Feeling purposeful in relationship to a really meaningful goal that excites you and lets you feel amazing. Mechanically setting goals because you lack feeling doesn't work. Set goals in relationship to the fantasies you're having. And not random fantasies, but powerful fantasies that feel amazing. And don't force fantasies. Or don't force feeling in relation to fantasies. Let your body speak. Your mind and inner vision will follow.

Goals only work when they come from feeling.

When you conquer your resistance and you get through it, you'll always feel a sense of power. You are developing courage. Reading this makes me excited to go out to a forest at night again. It's always scary but fun scary.

I have gone down that road not too long ago. Everyone says in the beginning 'I'll take it just once a week', but then more often than not, you'll end up taking it more than once a week. And before you know it, you are hooked. I never expected me to become so attached to the medication. I was the person who would say to you with 100% certainty 'I can never become addicted'. But I got hooked very quickly and was conscious about the whole thing. I saw it happening clearly. I did establish boundaries in my mind so I would avoid those addiction dynamics but I rationalized past it. So you can never have certainty about whether or not you will stay true to those boundaries. The emotional state that you will experience with those medications is euphoria and your body will crave it back. It also brings relief and so it's a place of escape. You constantly have to fight the urges to take the medication and there will be times that you just give up and take it. If you step past that boundary once, the second time is behind the corner. I got a lot of work done during that period and it was productive. It did get me forward in life. I had to deal with a lot of pain as a result of that medication. The come down is very painful and you'll have to suffer through that. And also, you'll be very apathetic towards the people in your life. You'll carry a constant feeling of anger and frustration. And then there comes a point you'll be so frustrated that you want to quit. And then you'll be back at how you are now. Only now you realize there is nothing else you can do other than to work on finding the real solution to your problem.

Get a coach and let yourself be guided. You're always writing about your problems but never about your solution which is always been given to you in any question you ask here. Have you applied any of it? You need to shift your orientation to solution based thinking instead of always thinking about what is wrong. I bet you can write books with what is wrong with your life. Notice how thinking about your problems amplifies them. The solution is already present but you don't seem interested in actually getting to the root of it. Work with a coach, seriously. You're too deep into this. You aren't seeing clearly. If you're serious with wanting to change, go to a workshop of 'the fearless man'. Search Brian begin and you'll find it. They will get you in front of models and there you will be beautifully guided to become more attractive in the way you are being. Right when you're sanding in front of her. These endless topics are becoming tiring to come across. Take action and quit the bs. Your inability to make good decisions and your lack of determination is what is preventing you. Not your lack of theorizing or advice. You either change your life right now and take action right now or you wait another decade until you are 36. Your choice. Or you don't take action at all and die as an incel. You think you can't get good with women because of how you are now. You have all these 'valid' reasons for your lack but they are all bs stories which you need to confront. Come on dude.

You can also import 10 guys from Bangladesh and let them play for you in exchange for a place to sleep. If you have a basement that's perfect. And in terms of food, you just give them dry bread.

That's the main reason why I am here on this forum. I do feel like there is a lack of clarity in the way I reflect on things. I'd love for you to write some paragraphs about what's behind your statement. Thanks.

You have a subjective representation of that experience stored in your subconscious mind, and that is what you will experience during the lucid dream. If you haven't ridden a ferrari in real life and you ride one in your lucid dream, the interior will never look like the one would look in real life. You fill in those gaps of what you don't know through your imagination. Maybe you have looked at pictures of the interior of a ferrari. Or you have watched a video of a similar sports car. It can get close, but it will always be a subjective representation that comes from your subconscious. It's those images and ideas you collect through your past experiences. If you think a DMT trip gets you into a place where you experience beautiful and colorful geometrical shapes, then that is what you most likely will experience. If you have heard stories of people meeting elves, there is a chance you will meet one during your DMT trip.

This is not a problem related to a lack of conversation subjects. This is an emotional issue. You are reactive to your nervousness and fear. And you are a nice guy as well which means you aren't willing to push tension, not willing to own your feelings, and you are hiding your sexual desire from her. Instead of thinking about this issue, see if you can become more comfortable in your own body, be more bold, more honest and direct. And see if you can handle your own emotions while you are doing that. Because for a nice guy, that will be a painful thing to do. But that's where you will become attractive. That's where you will get a sense of safety in your body where you won't need to think as much in order to attract women. It will just happen. Conversations will flow from your body when you become grounded in your own emotional vulnerability. Thinking about this issue doesn't solve this. Facing emotional tension will. Next time you see her, simply say that you find her attractive and that you would want to get a coffee with her. It will probably not work out, but what matters is that you become vulnerable to what you actually feel and that you dare to express that. And if she rejects you, embrace that. Rejection is just guidance and it is guiding you to to become the man that you want to become. The problem is when you are not getting rejected and avoiding it by playing it safe. You should aim to meet a lot of women and practice emotional vulnerability. You can even say to her that you are nervous and own the shit out of it. That's attractive because you are owning your own emotions. Never run away from nervousness. Show it to her apologetically. But first you need to accept it yourself of course. It shouldn't be about this girl. Make it about yourself and your own growth.

Beauty is found in presence and so the question is just, why are you not being present in your day to day life? Where are your contractions? Where do you desire to expand? What areas of your life aren't fully what you would like them to be? Are you even becoming honest about what you desire and lust after? Do you even dare to dream? And do you have the courage to go after that? Don't aim to have a good life. Aim to have the life you want. Psychedelics open you up to the present moment and it's beauty. You flow and play. And it connects you to the feeling of it. God is just showing you what's possible when you get present. It's holding your hand and giving you a glimpse. But then you are on your own when you get sober and you have to gain that strength and clarity to walk the path that will lead you to embody the types of things that will ultimately let you access presence. And it starts with dreaming and honesty. During your day to day life, you just aren't at that level of presence. Your consciousness isn't flowing expansively. It's stuck in the mind, into limiting beliefs and certain embodied states of emotion which are limiting you as well. You are looping inside a certain vibrational reality which you are not choosing freely. It has been chosen for you. So now choose what you want and start planting the seeds that will be tomorrows success. Happiness emerges through planting seeds and watering them. Consider which seeds you can plant today. Some important seeds are a healthy diet, a good sleep schedule and daily meditation. Doing that consistently will already increase your baseline state of consciousness. Treat life like a lucid dream. Look in front of you and imagine if it were really a dream and you could choose who you would be. Where would you travel to? Who would you meet? What car would you drive? How would your day look like? What types of communities would you be involved with? What would you create? What would you contribute? What emotions are there? Walk that outer journey which is your dreams. You will have to grow internally as you walk that outer journey. And then you'll have it. You'll enter a stage of life where you have fulfilled that desire and now it's off your mind. You embodied it, you integrated it and you let it go from your mind. One less worry. One step closer to liberating yourself. Each step gets you closer to presence and with each bit presence you get a bit more beauty.

These are patterns that are wired into your nervous system. They are stuck there until you release them. Analysing and conceptualizing the issue is rarely productive if you care about solving this. To some extent, you need to conceptualize to attune to the right solution so it makes sense in your mind. When you get certain about that solution, there is nothing else you can do other than to walk that path which is your solution. If this is a chronic thing, and if it's deeply rooted into your being, then you have to understand that it will take a significant amount of time and commitment to solve this. There is no little 'mindset hack' or 5-step process that will instantly release you. You need to surrender to tension. That's the raw truth. Tension is everything that you resist emotionally. And you resist so much. Simply walk around the street and imagine yourself doing all kinds of things. Even little things. Imagine asking someone 'what is your favorite color?' or 'Can I take a picture of your feet?'. Play around with your imagination and feel how contracted you are in relation to the outside world. Your spiritual path has to come down from your mind into your body and physical world. An interactive process with the outside world where you can learn to release all that resistance you have inside yourself. Once you become conscious about your contraction and you see and feel it clearly, now you have to commit to step onto those experiences until you become free. Until you release all your attachments and identifications. Get to a point where you have no resistance anymore. Where you can look anyone in the eye without worry. Where you can say all the things you want without any hesitation. The world can become your playground where it's only games for you. Pure beauty. And there is no limit to the experiences you can have. Shame and fear are there for you to transcend them and to pass the lessons you learned to others who are on the same path. Take a year off from any obligations, and surrender to this path. Your level of commitment will determine your success. Go outside all day and step into all those experiences where you feel those painful emotions and process them. Do it gradually and progressively so your nervous system can process. Do it daily for at least a year. Start with small tension and go through those experiences thousands of times until there is no anxiety anymore. Don't do too high level of tension at first because your nervous system can't handle that. Small things done on a consistent basis will lead to massive amounts of growth you can't imagine. So have patience and commit. I started asking directions or the time and I done that months before I did anything else. For people like you, most of your spiritual path is done outside, in front of other people. Not inside in thinking. Thinking will never solve this. That's just avoidance and confusion. If you are not sure what to do after reading this, just start a 3 month commitment where you ask 100 strangers for the time. And if that's too easy, then wish them a great day.