Tobias L

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About Tobias L

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    Newbie
  • Birthday 04/04/1995

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    Germany
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    Male

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  1. Thank you very much for you comments! I was ill a short time, so I haven't had a chance to answer. The question if I like being around my girlfriend and if I love her is really a question that I am afraid of and that currently brings up shame in me. I try to put it into words, but I don't know if I adequately can. As you know, a lot of anger comes up regarding her. And it is a similar anger that I turned on my mother. Now this anger seems to project on her and not anymore on my mother, which I now see in a more balanced way. I have the feeling that this anger very regularly closes my heart and i can't feel love and connection with my girlfriend then. I get annoyed by her. I can get really angry and hateful about how she is living her life, what kind of perspectives she has etc. This anger plays out in my mind and is often times not really realistically showing my girlfriend as she is. But of course there are real things that really annoys me about my girlfriend. So that gets mixed up. It is hard for me to disentangle what kind of anger is irrational and what kind of anger might be rational saying, okay, this is really something I don't like about her and that I might want to talk about with her. It is really hard to discriminate for me. When I see a little bit more clearly again, I can see also the good sides of my girlfriend again and then I think, ah, she actually is a good fit for me and I enjoy spending time with her and I love her. But I also feel kind of like a fraud sometimes because I don't really know if I am even able to love someone. I have feelings of love for her, but it is not super frequent. You have to know: We know and date each other for over one year and we never said "I love you" before one year into dating. She would have said it to me earlier, but I was the one that is really hesitant about it and even still today it sometimes just feels off to say it to her. It feels off for me because I know that I came out of like 10 years of shit (in terms of porn addiction, extreme fear of intimacy, sabotaging mother, father not emotionally available and cold) and I managed to get out of all that (like really, I did it! I actually should celebrate every single day! I came so far from where I started), but I have the feeling my ability to love is not yet developed highly. But I know I can work on it and I do. For example yesterday I found loving-kindness meditation, where you wish yourself and others that they may live well and happy and all those good things and this evoked a great feeling because I felt that I wish my girlfriend truly from my heart a well and happy life. But you know, because of all this, it is evoking a really weird feeling in me, when you ask me this question and I should answer it honestly. Because my heart or my mind is two-minded, sometimes filled with hate and anger and sometimes filled with more feelings that I would associate with love and liking her. Having a lovely, mature relationship is one of my top values in life. I am working on it, but to be honest I doubt a lot if my girlfriend is the right one currently. But I also would say that the major part of this doubting is evoked through me not seeing her completely realistic because of my anger and hate tendencies. And another major part of this doubting is that the communication between us could be better, which is also my responsibility to figure out my needs and boundaries and what lets me feel good in a relationship in the first place and then communicating that to her so we can build on it together. I think another part of my doubting is that this is my first girlfriend and it was also my goal to get a girlfriend, finally being able to build intimacy with someone I like. But I have no references of how it is to be together with other women. I mean I had sexual longterm contact including a good level of intimacy with one other woman, but that was it. And there is obviously also a side inside of me that would like to live myself out sexually in a different way, because I have some kinks and my girlfriend is not too much into the same kinks. But to counter all that, I truly could envision a beautiful future with her. Sorry for the long reply, but this question is really keeping me busy.
  2. I am asking for any recommendation of exercises, books, courses or ideas you have. Thank you for every feedback from you! The general topic is practicing communication in a romantic relationship. But I need to give some background information about my specific situation, so you can understand what I mean. I am in a romantic relationship with my girlfriend for a little over a year. I am 27, she is 25. I had never the chance in my life to actually learn how to communicate about my needs and my emotions properly. And this is causing problems in my relationship now. I have a really hard time to verbalize what is wrong when I am angry. Due to my childhood I still have a lot of unresolved anger within me that gets triggered in my relationship. Before my girlfriend, it was my mom. She never really cared about my needs and didn't listen properly when I told her that she is overstepping her boundaries as a mother. I want to give as much details as necessary, but keep the whole thing short, so I am not going into detail here. Let's just say my childhood growing up with my mother put a really strong anger in me. Also with my father and stepmother I couldn't be authentic because I was afraid of getting judged by them due to reasons, so I always lied to them or took a lot of time to answer questions because I felt I need to say the right thing so they are not angry or judgy with me. With my parents I couldn't really learn to talk about what is really going inside of me. I never learned that. I was a very, very quiet child, also in school. Aside from that I had to deal with a ~10 year long severe porn addiction and sexual confusement on my own because I didn't really open up to anyone and didn't really told anyone what was going on and how I felt when I felt absolutely down low. By now I solved all issues with porn and sexuality, but throughout my life I just never learned to talk about myself. So the points I want to make saying all this are - I never truly learned to share myself and the causes of my feelings with anyone and talking it through. - I get angry very, very fast when my someone oversteps my boundaries or doesn't acknowledge my needs. - But the problem is: I can't verbalize my needs or boundaries. I'm not clear on them. How does it looks like now in my relationship: I get angry because of a thing my girlfriend is doing. For example today we met at my place relatively spontaneously. We haven't planned to meeting today at all. But some plants on my balcony that we have bought together just recently showed signs of not being well and she wanted to save and foster them so they don't die. So she needed to come around. But I saved the day to go all in on my study and learn. And I like to do this focused and without interruptions, definitely alone in my room. I knew that when my gf is coming, I can't do that. So there I already felt anger building up inside of me, while my rational mind says, yeah okay, she's coming over to do this and it has to be today, probably also no big deal for other people, so relax. I did, but then some other things happened, where I felt my needs aren't met, no big things, but some tiny things and that built up the anger inside of me. To the point where she is asking me why I am feeling bad, what is up with me because I am sitting near her saying nothing and being angry. I go into some kind of passive aggressive mode and don't answer and loop into my angry mode. I can't formulate what is going on. I have so much emotion inside of me. I am angry about her, I am angry about me because deep down I know I am reacting in an emotional immature way, I am passive aggressive again, I feel bad about myself. But I also somehow can't pull myself together and honestly talk about what is up with me, also because I am not entirely clear myself and because I am overwhelmed by a really strong anger, you could even say hate or scorn because it is so strong, that is coming up. Currently we have such situations very often, where I just burst out in anger, but haven't communicated my needs/boundaries to her in a clear way before. And I definitely want to change that, but I am a bit clueless how. I am so overwhelmed by my emotions in these situations. It is not that I want to actively be passive aggressive and hurt her, but I just do because I can't help myself. I need to learn how to catch myself in the emotion, becoming a little more aware and then trying to verbalize to her what is going on, so we can talk about it and solve it. I know that it is very unhealthy behavior in a relationship and usually I am known for a guy that is being very self-reflected, but in my relationship that triggers so much in me, it is really hard for me to keep a cool head and don't react like a three-year old that is petulant. My gf said maybe something like non-violent communication practice would help me. I am already meditating everyday, cutting out sweets and eating a relatively to very healthy diet, so the basics are covered. But I need some kind of exercise or training for these specific situations. I am open for any suggestions, ideas or recommendations you guys have. Also other experiences with the same problem I like to hear. I am thankful for any constructive comment of you! I wish you a good day!
  3. @MW711 In specific perspectives and situations you are definitely right, but getting an accountability partner can be an event that initiate a short-term higher motivation that you have the possibility to transform into momentum reaching your goals, realizing that your acc partner actually didn't do much to your success because at some point you do it if you have accountability or not. So you realized: But you paradoxically needed an accountability partner first to realize this. Other things that could happen: You find a good friend / accountability partner for years creating success together / getting annoyed by not finding the right acc partner so this anger/annoyance pushes you to say "fuck it I do it alone" / etc. etc. Just writing this to tell you: There is no black and white. Never or probably in most cases, whatever the topic is. It is always both perspectives (including the 1000s other perspectives that are available, just taking "both" symbolically). You'll never have the truth when stating just one perspective. The only thing you can have is the truth for your specific situation (and even then your mind tries to decept you with seemingly good, but out-of-balance perspectives. Don't know, just had the need to write that down haha, the message length really doesn't represent the importance of this topic to me, but the whole perspective game is one of the messages I want to send out to the world in general. I love this game.
  4. Yes, I can entirely understand this perspective and probably you are right for 70-80% of people trying to do accountability. If you are lucky however you find an AP that is equally self-motivated as yourself and doesn't rely on you succeeding.
  5. Hey guys, hope everyone reading this is fine! I'm looking for an accountability partner to grow together in specific areas we want to work on (e.g. developing specific habits, letting go of bad habits, classic personal development). Maybe someone here is looking for such a partner, too. I'll give some context to my situation: 26 years old, from Germany (if you are from Germany, too, that would be a plus for me, but I can communicate in english, too) Currently studying Psychology, aiming to become a psychotherapist/coach specialized in helping a specific target group Currently building an online sidebusiness Being in a happy, lovely relationship since ~ 1 year Overcame a years-long severe porn addiction, confusedness regarding sexual identity and a lot of fear of intimacy (but still working on it!) I love to read (currently classic literature like Tolstoi & Dostojewski) My three biggest goals I currently want to work on Switching from still using porn occasionally (it doesn't have a lot of power or influence over me anymore compared to the years of real addiction though) to being completely free of porn consumption Establishing the habit of working on my sidebusiness everyday Time and energy management for balancing study, business, relationship and alone time) What I wish to do with an accountability partner Both choosing one clear, specific, measurable, highly realistic, but challenging goal or habit (e.g. being completely porn-free for 30 days / working one hour everyday on my sidebusiness) Starting a challenge together where we give each other our word that we are going to do this Mandatory daily check-ins at defined time(s) where we have to report to each other if we are on track If anyone is interested, please DM me with more details on your goals / situation. I'd like to have an accountability partner that is clear where he/she wants to go and takes it serious, while having fun challenging oneself.
  6. Hey guys, I am in the process of doing the Life Purpose Course of Leo, which is my #1 priority currently to do in depth and get the most value out of it. I went already through the theory, the exercises are next. I am looking for an accountability partner to create a strong connection in order to help, support and hold each other accountable, not just necessarily with our Life Purpose, but also our other goals in life, but especially our Life Purpose. Ideally you are in a similiar position to me and resonate with what I describe about myself. So, some words to me as a list for better overview 25 years old, from Germany Deeply passionate about becoming a coach for guys struggling with porn / online sex addiction and fear of intimacy (at least for now, but I think something around coaching will come out of the Life Purpose Course, too, of course I go as open as I can into it) Area that I want to work on the most aside from clarifying my life purpose: Dating & Sexuality, working through my own fears in this area, becoming good in dating Interested in coaching, business, spirituality, healthy nutrition, ketogene diet, nature, meditation, socializing, semen retention, law of attraction and basically everything in personal development (obviously :D) Testing out a new job in sales as a setter next week, which would crush my comfort zone if I'll take it and it suits me right now I would like to have an accountability partner to help me establish necessary habits that Leo recommends in his course like meditation, visualization, journaling etc., to get accountability and inspiration to go beyond my comfort zone and to share and celebrate successes together. I could imagine contact via whatsapp and weekly or monthly video calls, but I am open for any other suggestions. So, if that resonates with you shoot me a message! I would be glad to hear from you. Best greetings from Germany! Tobias