Paul92
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Posts posted by Paul92
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@DrewNows I see what you are saying. For sure, it makes no obvious sense to take someone else's word as gospel. But it is obvious to me that it is hard to locate 'Paul' as a tangible 'thing' or being.
The only Paul that I know is what is in my head. Or you might say ego.
I could turn this on it's head pretty sharpish if the ego was something real, tangible and absolute. Not negative. Something that is 'us'. Perhaps not an ego, but a soul, if you like.
I could give myself some self love. I know what I like and what I love. How do I give myself to be permission to be me if there is no me?
It's tough. How anyone can find spirituality as something liberating is beyond me.
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@bejapuskas I enjoyed life more as Paul. I was carefree, really. I loved the world, whatever it is. But clearly, it's probably not what it seems. I keep watching different 'gurus': Sadhguru, Tolle, Mooji, Spira... all I seem to get is word salad and contradictions. And you might say the next stage is to cease thinking to realise the truth. But come on...
If, whatever I am, as an experience or whatever, I can't be Paul, then I don't think I want to be anything at all. Life was so much brighter when i was Paul, and you was you. My friends were my friends. Real people, with souls. Entities that are born and live a life. I'm not sure that is the case anymore.
What I don't get is, everyone here preaches detachment and being egoless. But yet, many people are married and have children. Can they honestly say they are not attached to their children any more so than anything else? If their child died, would they not feel more heartbroken than the death of a stranger? Because we are the same thing? I don't want to live in a world of nothingness.
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@Shaun @bejapuskas I wouldn't say I am looking for anyone to be particularly compassionate to me. I'm just being honest about my views. Often all we get is, do the work! You do not exist! I guess it's my own problem really. Still, doesn't make it any less tough.
@OBEler I'm still talking with her on and off. She's 1000% committed to Jesus and God. I live in the UK, by the way. She's a Romanian who lives here, and Christianity is still huge over there. She's currently hanging around with a few missionaries from the U.S. who are over here for a while. She wants me to go and meet them with her for a chat. The thing is, I am skeptical about Christianity, even though I am officially a Protestant Christian within the Church of England. But, perhaps this is my ego speaking, I feel as though I could be prepared to do work into believing in Jesus and God much rather than nonduality.
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@Jed Vassallo Who/what created source/God?
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@Shaun I'll take a look. I've tried meditating. And I find it really weird and only creeps me out even more. Sure, occasionally I find it relaxing in some moments. But still, it doesn't answer anything for me.
Yes, they might look happy. But they all say different things. A lot of it is word salad. I like Sadhguru. When I first started watching him, he seemed to be more human and less about woo. And then in other videos, he goes against what he said in another. You just don't know what to believe. Everyone's trying to find something that can't be found, oh and we have no free will, but we must do the practices.. which infers free will etc.
Yeah, it is driving me crazy. If I could fall asleep peacefully and not wake up that'd be ideal. Seriously man. It's tough. I enjoyed being Paul! He was a good guy!
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@Shiva I'm not going down this rabbit hole. Interesting video though. According to some of our buddies here, the Earth doesn't exist at all!
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@Eric Tarpall That's fair enough. Don't take everything Leo says as gospel though.
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@Eric Tarpall Anything a flat earther says should be taken with a pinch of salt to be fair..
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How can you be sure of this though? That everything is automated? Why do we sit about encouraging people to do the practices if everything is already preordained? Do we not make a choice to come on this forum?
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@Shaun glad you managed to get out of it and get back on track. That does give me some hope, but feeling really hopeless. I don't know if I buy the whole nonduality narrative, but I can't discount it, that's the issue. I know that the Self is an illusion though. Either that or we have a soul and our mind is our soul in some way. I just don't know. All I know is, I am fed up of all this.
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@Nahm Maybe I could later today. I don't have Skype but could set it up I'm sure.
@Musica I see what you're saying. I hit that point the other night. But I don't see it as that liberating. If I don't care about anything, then I don't care about the good things either. Might as well be dead. The thing that stopped me from doing anything before was the thought of hurting my parents. But now I just think, well, that's just how it goes sometimes.
Again, I'll say again. I liked being Paul. And I liked everyone else being everyone else. Without that, there's no joy to be had. I could go around thinking yeh I don't give a fuck. But, seriously, how long can you keep that up for? Constantly trying to just be neutral on everything. To completely detach from everything.
I still believe that we are supposed to have a sense of self. Animals have it. Every sentient being has it.
God I'd love it for us all to be our souls in monkey suits. I really would. I don't hold any ill will over anyone really. I'd grant us all eternal life if I had the power to do so. Spending eternity, in whatever form, with your loved ones... wow.
Who knows what happens when we die. Who knows.
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Okay, so, suicide went well. Took a shit load of sleeping pills, got really drunk and put a bag over my head and went to sleep. Woke up a few hours later and threw up.
Brilliant.
Today I spoke with a friend who is a Christian and she's doing missionary work. She asked me to go to church a few weeks ago and I politely declined. She told me today that she prayed for me to be protected by God and to allow me to see the path to him. She said she prays for me often.
Now, I'm skeptical. But who knows. Maybe God is real. Maybe we are our souls.
She says she's going to pray for me and wants me to meet her to discuss God.
What do you think?
It's late here in the UK. I always feel better late at night when the day is done and there's no pressures. But the thought of trying to end it again persists.
I just don't understand how we can abandon that sense of self. That voice in my head is my voice. I know it better than anything. Are we not real?
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@Good-boy No. But I've eaten broccoli and I didn't attain any higher levels of consciousness. Have you?
@Serotoninluv Physical. There's nothing they can do. Forget it.
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@Good-boy I used to think it was hard. But I'm not sure it is anymore. It makes no difference. Well in my mind it doesn't anymore. I'd rather have nothing than this hell. Life was wonderful with other people in it. God is a shithouse. The God of Leo's world, that is. Its a sick joke that makes zero sense no matter how much people try and cover it up with a word salad.
That said, if people like @Serotoninluv have found peace then who am I to critisise or mock. I am genuinely pleased. I mean nobody any ill will. Never have done really.
I liked being Paul but I can't unsee that perhaps I'm not. Why let me create Paul? Why let me create my loved ones? My friends? The people I love. What make my life worth living.
I've written out a letter that I will leave. It is addressing the individuals in my life. I'll go out with my ego. I'll go out being Paul, loving his friends, imaginary or not. We all gotta go sometime, why not the NOW.
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I have a 1 hour drive home.
I'm past trying to put off killing myself. Millions have died before me and millions will die after I have gone. I'm going to die one day anyway, so why not get it over and done with.
The only thing that would stop me is if people were real on any level. I wish we all had a soul. I wish I believed in Christianity. Life would be worthwhile.
If we don't exist, I don't see the point.
You can say what you like about the whole thing, but it absolutely is nihilism. 1000%.
I could be saying this about myself, but screw God. The ego is a sick joke. The world isn't all love and light. It's violent and harsh.
Why bother with the monkey suit. Why bother. Why create consciousness if it's happy with itself.
Why does every near death experience talk about people remaining themselves as they pass over? Not returning to nothingness.
It's all fucked up.
And basically, if we don't exist, it makes no difference if I slice my arm in 6 pieces tonight. So fuck it.
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@Aakash He does have a point. Once you get into this shit, I think it's going to be difficult to leave it behind. Maybe it isn't, who knows. Half of me thinks this is for real, the other half thinks it is the biggest load of tosh the world has ever seen.
Either you sit meditating all day every day for the next 40 years trying to get a glimpse of something you can't experience or you start ramming mushrooms up your arse for the same effect.
Or, you accept materialism. But even with materialism, where is the 'you'.
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@Aakash Permission to be human, granted.
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@noselfnofun Apparently not. But then again, I know plenty of old people who are happy and would say they've had a good life.
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@Mu_ Seems to me that everyone here is obsessed with ridding themselves of their self. Not being provocative. Just how I see it.
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Maybe it's all nonsense and naturally we are sociable animals? Who knows. What you resist, persists and all that...
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Why do we have a sense of self if we are not meant to have one... shouldn't infinite intelligence be able to bypass this?
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Perhaps Leo has never had a major depressive episode. He'd know it's real then.
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@Serotoninluv Thanks for that. I enjoyed reading that. It seems like it is really working for you, so I can't knock that at all. I'd love to get into a similar place, considering where I am right now. I just don't really know where to start, and I'm not sure what progress would even look like. I have pretty much the same environment, too. So that should be helpful. Just feel lost at the moment though and it's hard to see a way out. I feel/think/believe I have seen through an illusion that I can't unsee. The only issue is, I loved that world beyond words. It's hard to give it up.
Anyway, hijacked the thread. My apologies.
in Mental Health, Serious Emotional Issues
Posted
@Nahm I've spent a good portion of the day trying to concentrate on my breathing in doing everything, like some people have suggested on here. But it isn't easy. And still, I don't understand what will happen with this.
if this is about emptying my head to the extent whereby I simply have no thoughts about anything then I can't be bothered with that. It's not arrogance, either. Just don't call it existing, or living.
It's not that I am not willing to do the practices. I just don't see what evidence there is to suggest that it achieves anything. Look at this forum for a start. People have been meditating, taking psychedelics, rubbing crystals etc for years, and they're still depressed or none the wiser as to what on earth is going on.
Look at 'normal' people. They just crack on.