Paul92

Interesting quote. The free will debate is something that terrifies me. Logically, I'd say that free will is an illusion. But I can't be certain. How do I know? However, I do think we are quite obvious a product of our brains, that basically create the illusion of us being in control. If that is true, I find it very upsetting.

So I said I was going away. I didn't think I could feel any worse, but I do. I've spent a lot of time investigating DMT experiences etc over the last couple of days. It's clear that many thousands of people think that the world isn't what it seems. Does Paul exist? In spirit form? I don't think so. I don't know for sure, but it's unlikely. This whole nonduality thing has totally destroyed my life. I've not had an experience of it, but i don't know if I want it either. The thing is, when I read about DMT trips, people come back and still refer to themselves and others. Doesn't this go against everything said here? Leo is quite clear: you do not exist. So why do anything? Why shouldn't I kill myself? Believe me, I want to end it so bad. I'm not scared of dying anymore, and I'm not scared of hurting others. In truth, they probably don't exist anyway. Each day I wake up it gets harder and harder. I don't see any point in carrying on. I've googled all the possible ways of suicide. I don't want to jump off a bridge. I've set up a makeshift noose hanging from a beam in my loft, but that doesn't feel right. I tried to cut my wrists, then I fell asleep, but I woke up and the bleeding.had stopped. I can't get my hands on pills to take. Truth is, killing yourself ain't easy, even when you've no desire to be here anymore. It's the strangest thing. I tried meditating today using Leo's do nothing method. I just let go and ended up falling to sleep. I had an horrific dream and woke up drenched in sweat. No appetite. No energy. Fuzzy head. Lost all hope. Reality isn't reality. And for whatever people will say here, "get help, see a professional" - it's not going to fix anything. In truth, if you're all adhering to nonduality, it makes no difference if I jack it in or not. So what are we doing here? I just read a post about sympathy on the other section. Why would we give sympathy to others if they don't exist? Everything you say here is probably right. But it makes everything pointless. Utterly pointless. If anyone has any ingenious tips on suicide or anything, please PM me. Anything that can help. Either dying or getting out of this. Shit I'd try dmt or something, but in the UK I've no idea how to source it.

When you feel like you love someone more than life itself? I feel like I am falling for a friend, stronger than I've ever felt for anyone ever. I don't know how it even came about. But I know what love feels like, and this is another level.

Having a really rough few days. Starting to feel like I did a few months ago. Where do thoughts come from? You can't think a thoughyt before you have thought it.. Perhaps I and others don't exist (the hardest thing to accept). Are my loved ones just products of random brain activity? Are they pulling the strings. Sadhguru says we are in control. Everyone here says we are not. What to believe, what not to believe. Just feel like I want to roll over and sleep again. Not felt like this for a long time.

I want to just understand whether we have control over our own destinies. Whether people are real, in sense of that they unique autonomous beings. I really don't want anything else from life. Life is wonderful otherwise. Like this afternoon, laying snoozing watching the football scores come in. Cup of tea and a sandwich. I'm simple enough haha.

@Nahm What should my question be? You say I chose to make this post? Did I, really? For one, apparently I don't exist. In the sense of there is no Paul pulling his own strings. Did I really have a choice?

@Nahm Thank you for your post. You know I always value your contributions. Unfortunately, I'm struggling a little to understand what you mean. Please forgive me. I hope I am the choser of what I have chose and what I have chosen.

@winterknight Nobody is born with a natural instinct to find the 'truth'. The 'truth' is a human construct. The path is supposed to reduce inner conflict. Look at this forum. It's ludicrous. Thousands upon thousands of posts. Thousands upon thousands of questions. Thousands upon thousands of different answers. People here are tied up inner conflict. What also annoys me is how people manipulate a few words of Jesus to fit their own narrative. You might be able to use a few passages of the bible to fit with nondualism, but what about the rest of it that doesn't teach that at all.

@Leo Gura You believe it's an Absolute. Can it be proven beyond all doubt?

@winterknight Why shouldn't an ordinary life be pleasurable? My life is lovely when my mind isn't caught up in trying to figure out what is real. I can go for a walk in the sun and spend hours just sitting watching dogs jump in and out of a lake. Seems to that striving for anything greater will just lead to delusions of granduer. The spiritual ego, perhaps. What's wrong with being a humble human, worts n'all? It seems to that 'the path' is just a construct to try and avoid realities of life. Why do humans feel the need to feel like they are the ones with answers to everything and the universe is all about us. See our guru, Leo, doesn't care about people. I was led to believe that spirituality was always about learning to be more compassionate. To be able to swallow your own silliness and pride and care for others. Not to become aloof to everything and simply not care.

@Leo Gura And you have adopted the belief of oneness.

@assx95 It's an interesting one. How often do you see her these days? How often is rarely? I'll be absolutely honest with you with what I think. It sounds to me that she really just doesn't see you as anything more than friends. I've had numerous similar experiences. You could give it up. Depends how much you like this girl. Follow your heart, not your head. If you gave up, sure it will hurt at first. But it will get better. You'll probably meet someone else, as absurd as that might seem at this moment. But when you do, you'll probably be left thinking, "did I have to go through all that to get to this?". Or you could change tactic, because this clearly isn't working. Go back to being her friend. Make it so she feels comfortable being around you and actually wants to hang out with you. Tell her you like her as a friend. Just make her feel comfortable and at ease. But pretend you aren't interested in anything more. See what happens then. Wish you all the best. Nothing worse than loving someone more than the earth itself and the feeling not being reciprocated. But just carry on loving regardless.

Not if it going to fry her head emotionally. Try not to just pick up and drop people for your own pleasure. If she's game for a bit of fun, nothing more, then why not. Who cares.

A video I feel I really needed to watch today. I came home from work feeling pretty terrible. My best friend is away on holiday at the moment, and I miss her dearly. Then I started wondering, is she real? Or the product of random brain activity? My friend, my wonderful friend, does she exist? I hope so. I hope more than anything that what he says is true. That we all make our own lives, should we act more consciously. I don't want to be God. I don't want to be anyone special, I never have. I'm just me, and that was always enough. Everyone I ever came across was enough, just as they are.

@Beginner Mind In my opinion, yes, it really would. Sure, for a lot of beings, things would work out fine. And that is wonderful. Even today, there are thousands - millions even - that have wonderful lives. Rich and poor. And that is wonderful. Equally, there are millions that suffer greatly. And I would feel much better about my own existence if I felt that I could contribute a little to their wellbeing. I'd feeling much better knowing I'd played my part. I want to help people. I don't want anyone to suffer. I'm just a bit of an old romantic, I think. Not just in terms of relationships, either. It's not an egoic thing. I don't care if people recognise me for what I achieve or do. I am happy being nobody. Life can throw whatever it wants at me, that is fine. Just know that I will remain happy so long as everything that in response to everything that gets put to me, my response is in my hands. We make our lives whatever we want it to be. I love an underdog. Battling against the odds. Anyone can achieve anything. Anyone can find love, no matter your race or background etc. The world is everyone's oyster. That is the world I want to live in. I'm from a poor family. I live in one of the poorest villages in the UK, an old mining community. Every single month I am in my overdraft, just buying food! And I work long hours. But all I need is my nearest and dearest. They keep me going. My family, my friends. Other people. Making this reality, whatever it is, their own. I couldn't care less about anything else. I don't take anything too seriously. But without individuality and uniqueness, everything loses its colour.

I think I'm here. I hope everyone else is too. It freaks me out too buddy.

Robots that don't exist, of course. I - whoever or whatever this is that I perceive as myself - just cannot understand how anyone can find it liberating and joyous to believe that they and others do not exist in any shape or form. Your family, your partners, your friends, your heroes.. They don't exist, right? All I know is that this experience was so much better before I started exploring 'enlightenment'. Whatever that is, there's clearly zero consensus here. I had an awesome few months identifying with my mind and thoughts as me. Seeing people as real people. Loving, helping, caring. Not being a selfish spiritual prick who thinks he's unlocked the mysteries of the universe. I never took life too seriously. I loved life. I liked being 'me'. I loved helping others. I never wanted to conquer the world. I knew my limitations and accepted them. Seems to me that God (the one you all go on about) is a bit of a dick, in truth. For one, God is selfish. God says "its only me, everything is me, me me me!". For a second, why feel the need to mess with itself. If God is complete and so loving, why bother with all this? I could accept everything that life throws at me. Loneliness, poverty, lack of opportunities, hardship. That's fine. But I just can't accept that nobody else exists. I don't wanna be God. It's ridiculous. I wish I could wake up from this hell and we are all autonomous individuals. Our lives in our own hands, not dictated to by this giant stupid mind. I don't want to live forever. I want to be able to meet my closest friends and family and hug them and tell them that I love them for who they are. I don't want to tell them I love them as a robot. It is out of order. And nobody can have a go at me for this thread as its clearly not me who is saying this, it is you/God yadda yadda. Peace out.

@Truth Addict I'm not motivated by money and objects in the slightest. If you came to see how I lived, that'd be pretty obvious. I have a good education and could earn a lot more than I do, but I like my job, helping young people get through college. And I'm surrounded by some wonderful, kind people. That's worth a lot more to me. I live very modestly and help others financially more than I probably should. In fact, the town in which I live is probably in the top 5 most deprived in the UK. Its rough. But it's home and I don't get 'upset' about where I live. It just is what it is. I'm motivated by trying to make the world a better place even if it only on a small scale. And motivated to just try and enjoy life. I just struggle with that when I consider its a possibility that people are not autonomous individuals pulling their own strings. Whether they choose to pull positively or negatively makes no difference, it takes all kinds of people to make a world.

@Truth Addict @Truth Addict @Truth Addict Don't know why it's tagging you 3 times. I'm on my phone and it won't let me delete. Then who is pulling the strings? And why?

@Truth Addict @Truth Addict Sort of get what you're saying. But if we are all God, as in parts of God, individual parts, surely we must have control over our own parts?

@Truth Addict It's a possibility. What part of us is us? It's hard to pin point. But that scares me. My main motivator in life and the thing I find most fascinating is our individual uniqueness. Our qualities, skills, talents. I think its wonderful. Without that, I'm a bit lost.

@Truth Addict I'm absolutely open to further discussion. Don't want much out of life to be honest. You know I had about 3 months where I was so happy just being me and believing I was in control and other people were real. These anxieties come back though. Its the only thing I want to make peace with.

@Nahm hmmm. Don't wanna hijack this thread, but sure would be good to have a chat with you again some time. ?

@Nahm Well, surely it is his experience as an understander. I don't understand nuclear fission. Maybe you do. We are both understanders. I don't understand, but you do. Edit: for the record I do kinda get nuclear fission ??

@kieranperez I hear you. Especially about subconscious psychological issues. There are so many contradictions flying around, too. @Nahm How do you mean that it isn't his direct experience to be the understander? Surely it is...