My Life After 150 Experiences of 5-MeO-DMT

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Is pretty much the same or I would even say worse.

Up to this day I tried about 20 psychedelic substances.

200 trips total

150 of them were 5-MeO-DMT. (120x vaped Freebase, 30x Nasal/Rectal HCL).

Out of 150 5-MeO-DMT trips, about 100 of them were I AM GOD experiences.

Recently I tried 5-MeO-MALT and it seemed to last a lot longer than 5-MeO-DMT.

Vaped 5-MeO-DMT lasts 45 min, and 5-MeO-MALT lasts about 8 hours. I have a different brain chemistry than other people, because average 1P-LSD trip lasts at least 36 hours for me (7 hours for others)

The strongest psychedelic I tried was 5-MeO-MIPT. After 100+ 5-MeO-DMT experiences, all other 5-MeO substances felt like 5-MeO-DMT. When it comes to 5-MeO-MIPT, it lasted for me 16 hours with rectal administration, and trip was TOTALLY 5-MeO-DMT like. So imagine having a 16 hours long 5-MeO-DMT experience "I AM GOD"... :)

I am into spirituality/self inquiry/meditation/psychedelics/contemplation for at least 8 years. Basically full time, all day, every day. All of my trips and spiritual practice has been properly integrated every day.

So how my life has changed?

- identification with thoughts is stronger

- my thought loops are stronger

- my depression is stronger

- my anxiety/social anxiety is stronger

- insomnia is stronger

- my dissociation is stronger

- my noise sensitivity is stronger

- my OCD is stronger

- my food allergies are the same

- my motivation is weaker

- problem with my speech is the same

- orgasm feels very weak when compared to 8 years ago

- my traumas has not been revealed/healed

- I still see others as others

- Ordinary life now feels dull compared to 5-MeO experiences. Of course "Ordinary Life" is GOD / LOVE as well. But that is just an intellectual claim/belief when being sober...

- And next problem - GOD / LOVE is addicting. And you cannot trip 24 hours a day all year. All that leaves you disappointed.

So which from above written is the most disappointing? Identification.

The problem with psychedelics is that they do not help with identification problem. They actually worsen it.

All the trips are now a part of story of ME. Making spiritual ego stronger. Thoughts are still mesmerizing - totally steal my full attention. I still believe they are MY thoughts. I still feel like a thinker. I still get entangled into the mind stories.


After 8+ years of spirituality, the mind is stronger than in the beginning. Tried just about hundred of techniques to disidentify/observe thoughts. No success. Tried doing, not doing, observing, being aware, resting as awareness, being the observer, surrender, surrendering the surrender, not doing anything, doing anything, doing nothing, strong determination sitting, observing the doing of not doing without trying, being, trying, not trying, focused techniques, unfocused techniques, energy work, contemplation, breathing techniques, tapping techniques, self inquiry, mindfulness, still and dynamic meditations, 100+ of books... And all of that, after 8 years, feels like a waste of time.

So how are you after many trips? Are you still identified with the voice in the head?

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thank you for this treasure trove of info ... how is your daily meditation practice ... i haven't done psychedelics but wish to as soon as i can ... daily meditation has brought great equanimity to me and my identification with thoughts is ever diminishing ... i use the Gurdjieff technique that divides attention between the outside and the inside

Self-observation brings man to the realization of the necessity of self-change. And in observing himself a man notices that self-observation itself brings about certain changes in his inner processes.Self-observation is an instrument of self-change,a means of awakening. ~Gurdjieff

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I ve read your post of 2019. very interesting! I understand your point, you have been in spirituality for 8 years and your ego is still intact, no matter how much you have temporarily disintegrated it. my idea is that the goal is to weaken, or disintegrate the ego, to live in this world with joy, enjoying every smell, taste, pleasure and pain. that is, the truth is a tool, not an objective. the goal is freedom. I believe that deepening in the truth the ego weakens. mine at least does. but I see that yours does not, even with the most serious combined practices. What else can you do to stop identifying with thought? It is not enough for you to know that the depth is infinite so there is nothing to know, nothing to think about, just be? It is very difficult! but it is possible i think, it is a true game. Quite exciting, a challenge, you need all your intelligence and passion...let's see

Edited by Breakingthewall

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for me and i'm aware this is not everyone, psychedelics are useful when you realize you no longer need to do them, if you have a desire and want to trip you should keep tripping until you realize that

just be here, if you can do it this moment you can do it the next moment

this is the now, now is all that is real, the truth is now, not your concept or experience, just this

is there suffering in this ? work to be done young jedi. me

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Lol, that's a sad story bro... sorry to hear this.

Perhaps doing so many trips has damaged your system is such a way that you're unable to benefit much from meditation anymore.

For me, I've done 6years of spiritual practice and meditation and I live in permenant primordial awareness or what some teachers would call it effortless present moment state. Self-realization is a normal daily phenomena for me, tho it's not mind blowing or eyes-bulging-out-of-the-skull thing but it's getting stronger and stronger everyday. My awareness deepens everyday without me doing much, mind gets purer, clarity and wisodm grows naturally, sensitivity, joy and love is increasing more and more. No issues with mental health whatsoever. Life is getting better, better and better and I see it will continue this way endlessly .

So yeah, that's my story. Having the best time of my life right now,  each day is better then the previous one, that's how normal spiritual path should look like if you're doing the right things with yourself. That's why I discourage people from using psychedelics since there's no way they will work. You can’t rise your energy by constantly draining your energy with chemicals. Same way you can't achieve happyness or high aliveness by drinking coffee or popping anti-depressants. It only appears that coffee gives you energy but in fact it drains energy and makes you weaker. It's the same trick with psychedelics. They will only make things worse and difficult in the long run. But that's almost impossible to explain to people...


Edited by Salvijus

Those you do not forgive you fear. 

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For the journey of the release of this brain, it’s seen something very similar to OP’s psychedelic path, probably close to 200 doses of NN-DMT...brain chemistry makes a HUGE impact on how this happens for sure. I’ve got no minds eye (aphantasia), which means that everything in the brain is conceptual format with no sense data backing it up. This made it simple to recognize the unreality of any conceptual beliefs such as memory and language. It’s been about 10 months on this journey and moment to moment life could be compared to how @Salvijus spoke of it. At this point, NN-DMT does not affect the body. All the insight from the trips has been integrated and it’s all just presence from here on out.

How deeply have you done contemplation on emptiness? Have you gathered direct insight on what the human body and all other bodies are made of? Are you aware of why/how you are God beyond the experiences during trips? As in, why does the substance allow this insight? What veils are being removed during the process? Meditate maybe 30 minutes before the trip and meditate out of the trip for a few hours after while doing insight?

It’s unlikely that an “I am God” experience will give you anything to take home if you don’t realize fully yet why you aren’t the thoughts.

Must be very careful doing this if you aren’t sure you’re ready yet...but try a trip eyes open staring into your eyes in a mirror. This was possibly the greatest leap I made in the path, but if you aren’t ready it can be truly detrimental (very emotional and scary). You are essentially staring into the core of the belief that you are behind the eyes...staring your “self” into submission.

I’m here for you if you would like to ask further questions, DM or in this thread. Keep the motivation alive, you can certainly get there <3 sending love

Also an important question: what do you want? It seems to almost be overlooked in this work but it’s honestly the question that reveals the most. Each moment ask what would make the moment better. Once you can begin to recognize constantly that nothing could be better, the core of desire begins to dissolve.

Contemplating emptiness = recognizing that there’s no thing separate = recognizing that there could be nothing different = recognizing that there are no things at all = the root of desire has been cut.

Edited by aetheroar

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Well, you basically said that not only do psychedelics not help you, but all spiritual techniques don't help you.

Clearly then you've explored enough of this approach and have discovered it doesn't work for you.

Time to try other approaches.

Sounds like what you need is some long, hardcore meditation retreats. Not sure if you tried that.

The problem with doing short meditation sessions is that they tend to not lead to any breakthroughs.

It's hard to suggest a solution to you because you basically said no techniques work for you. My guess is that you're not doing the techniques seriously/rigorously enough. Or maybe you're just not at a point in your life where spirituality is right for you. Maybe you got more basic material stuff that needs attention.

I suggest you focus on whatever is working for you.

You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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Have you ever done Kriya yoga?

It has been super helpful for me. Kriya, dreamboard + simply expressing by talking with someone or writing it down on paper.

Perhaps bring it all down from spiritual ideas and goals. Try Maha Mudra + Kriya Pranayama every day. Don't do it for spiritual ideals, awakening or even growth. Do it simply for feeling better in your body and mind.

Especially Maha Mudra could be helpful.

Everyone is waiting for eternity but the Shaman asks: "how about today?"

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10 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Time to try other approaches.


First, recognize that it's ego that wants to rid itself of itself.  Getting rid of the ego is the biggest ego trip going. 

But, IF the ego really wants to 'cease' to identify as thoughts, it should recognize that that's all the ego is... thoughts. 

As you stated, you still think of yourself as 'the thinker of your thoughts', when the reality is, 'you' are just thoughts. 

This partially has to do with the way organisms use and process language. The organism @DoTheWork has created an imaginary 'self' in addition to 'thinking'. 

For example, consider when we say things like, 'I am thinking about something', we tend to regard 'thinking' as something the ego is 'doing'. 'I am doing that.' 'I am authoring these thoughts.'. But notice that we don't tend to think this same way when we say things like, 'I am growing hair.'   It's easy to see that 'growing hair' is something organisms do automatically, without some separate 'grower', in addition to 'growing', that exists somewhere inside the organism. 

When an organism considers this, it might recognize that what it continually mistakes to be 'the thinker of thoughts', is just more thoughts.. and what the 'thinker of thoughts' ACTUALLY is, is the entire Universe.. the same way a wave is created by the entire ocean.  There is no 'waver of waves' in the ocean somewhere, waving waves. 

If your organism keeps reminding itself of this, eventually it may begin to see itself as the entire Universe, marveling at it's own mystery through your eyes. 



"I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."

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@DoTheWork try this:

It’s insane, I’ve never experienced so much bliss.

Jan Esmann & Gareth helped me make more progress (when it comes to Kundalini Awakening) in the past months than I‘ve done in the past years.

Will share my experience in more detail soon.

Edited by Spiral Wizard

"The journey never ends, the point of arrival is always now." 

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Hey, firstly; awesome post, its important people share there experiences both good and bad so there is no bias,

I haven't taken DMT but over past 15 years (Im 33) have taken psychedelics 300-600+ times at least, although not always with spiritual intentions

Ive had some of the most profound insights during them, but I always came to the same place I left, but perhaps with a bit more craving for the psychedelic

Then I went many months in long retreats, and actually started to work on who I am even though I don't exist [the ultimate paradox]  some people call this embodiment, and this has changed my core character so much

Psychedelics are profoundly useful, Leo's articulation of the recontextualization of materialism and consciousness is profoundly elegant concise and beautiful, all down to his work with these substances.

Its all going to boil down to at the end of the day: who are you [paradox] and what type of paradigms, intentions, behaviours, actions, do you exhibit



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I think that the issue is not to make psychedelics or not, it is the reason why you do them. I do psychedelics because I want to deactivate my ego, I want my mind to be a mirror when I'm walking down the street, just flow without interpreting. This is a divine experience, no more is needed. psychedelics have greatly helped me understand who I am, as an ego, and as infinity, and thus be able to take a step back and shut up. Another thing is that with psychedelics you look for experiences. then you are strengthening the ego. You can become god 100 times that later you will continue to be your ego, only inflated by interpreting that you are God, that you know things that others do not, etc. what matters is to flow in the present without hindrance. well, what matters to me, you can also feed a spiritual ego if you want, but you will continue to suffer

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The most important thing during meditation is how mindful you're.

You could meditate for 10 hours a day but if you weren't mindful enough it would bring subpar results.

Think of meditation as mindfulness training.

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@DoTheWorkCan you give more background Informationen about you? 

How old, what Do you Do, what Kind of trauma(more body trauma like car crash or more mental like bullying), when Did it happen, what are the consequences of having these trauma for your normal day? 

Are you asperger, autistic? 

Sorry for these Personal questions but to answer why psychedelics doesnt work for you I need really more background Informationen 


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My recommendations:

  • Be honest about what it is you want. What exactly are you seeking out of this? No bullshit stuff you’ve heard from other people. You personally. Fundamentally it sounds like you’re trying to be free of suffering. You might be well suited to enter a more Buddhist orientation to practice as it provides a contextual framework that is oriented towards that end and would be aligned with what you really want.
  • I highly recommend you find a great teacher that can really help you. I really can’t state the importance of this enough for a lot of people. Find a strong lineage, container, and teacher that can support your practice and really help you with what you are really dealing and what you really have going on. Give this a try by going to some retreats and perhaps doing some residencies at certain monasteries or ashrams. I highly would recommend starting with retreats and just getting in contact with teachers and talking with them one on one. By and large they’re very easy to get in contact with and they can hold up the mirror to many blind spots and misunderstandings you may have had and perhaps accumulated over the years. 
  • Find a solid psychoanalyst. I can’t recommend this enough. 

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14 hours ago, DoTheWork said:

So how are you after many trips?

Ineffable wakefulness. 


Are you still identified with the voice in the head?

No. It’s not a matter of identified, it’s ‘silence’. There’s no thoughts or voice happening to identify with. 

Cessation occurred many years ago, prior to any psychedelics, and now it’s clear how & why. If you’d like to talk, my website’s below. That’s maybe the third time mentioning that, and I appreciate your unique sharing here. One wouldn’t necessarily think a simple face to face conversation could bring about what it does, but you haven’t experienced it either. Just advice, but, listen to what people are saying about transmission, shaktipah, whatever you’d like to call it. Doesn’t matter. It’s actual. While it could have a certain ring to it, what might seem impossible, or big, or complicated, is the ordinary day to day work I’m doing if you will. Much love, and thanks for the great share. 



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I had the realizations, sometimes things were different. But then after a while nothing changed.

Infinity doesn't seem to be able to comprehend itself. Rupert Spira has said things which make great sense of why.

Recently I had a serious and very severe trip with a megadose of DMT out of an electronic dab rig. The dose was so big because my friend kept fucking it up so we kept adding more until he gave up and I hit it... Well I had a severe, severe, severe panic attack. Screaming. Crying. I didn't care about death as that's not an experience, I was scared of the experience. Which I cannot explain. Period. Nothing.

I think there's great expanse to this... As Leo has said, infinity also expands outwards. The "experience" of total Oneness appears easier to comprehend, as opposed to, for example, Salvia Divinorum extract.

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@Spiral Wizard :D:D:)


@DoTheWork It seems that for some people psychedelics gradually change their baseline brain chemistry, and for others it remains unaffected. 

I recommend trying transmissions. In my opinion, they are the most effective way to gradually change your baseline brain chemistry.

They have radically changed my baseline consciousness. 

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Your symptoms sound like everything I have experienced to severe degrees, before 100% detoxing my body for two months. You are very likely toxic, physically with heavy metals, acidic lifestyle, weak organs/tissues/cells, etc. 

Working more on spirituality will not improve you. I’ve tried that, too. Nothing works unless your brain is free of heavy metals and your health is fucking 100%. 

Insomnia, OCD, etc. all the stuff you listed sounds like basic toxicity and imbalance in the body. 

I was the same way, but after this two month raw fruit and vegetable cleansing with a bit of regular food to ground during difficult times, my spirituality has increased 30X fold! All the psychedelic breakthroughs and experiences are being integrated from YEARS ago that I was never able to remember or whatever. 

You may think you’ve worked on your health, but seriously, it sounds like you need cellular regeneration at a deep level. Especially the part about orgasms, this sounds like your body is degenerated, very acidic, and your lymphatic waste is not moving enough to provide a DEEP/transformative healing. 

immediately stop spiritual work and purely focus 100% on your diet for 3 months. Baby steps. 

Look into “40 Day Grape Fast”, detoxification specialists, Dr. Robert Morse, etc. 

You will feel beyond fucking horrible eating these foods, seeing how your body is barely able to keep you alive in a thriving state. The detox must be taken at a reasonable, sustainable pace. 

Start with 1 squeezed lemon juice in AM/whenever into 16oz water for 21 days, and report back results, if you wish. 

I am not you, have no clue about your health, just making assumptions on one post. However, just trying to make you aware how important diet and detoxification is with being able to achieve enlightenment. It’s more important than meditating and psychedelics IMO. 

Love Is The Answer: LSD Awakening


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