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1) How long are you into spiritual path? 7-8 years, but the path didn’t really start until the last ~2 — that’s an important distinction. In my estimation, once the path to truth-at-all-costs begins, it ain’t taking more than a few years at the most... ? it would be unbearable... unless detouring massively. Once the path starts, a hallmark I can illuminate is: embarrassment of your own naivety 3 days ago, on a constant running basis — it’s that swift — i.e. it ain’t taking 20 fucking years. 2) How many trips on psychedelics have you experienced? And what psychedelics? Hundreds. Lots of psychedelics (practically all of them aside from obscure research chems, though I’ve tried some of those too) and some dissociatives. Favorites include: LSD-25, 5-MeO-DMT, RS-ketamine, N,N-DMT. 3) How often do you meditate? Automatically (without any intention or effort) nearly all the time, but an occasional 10 minute sit every now and then. Used to sit up to 5 hours a day — Jhana access, witnessing, noting, etc. Learned primarily from Culadasa’s TMI, and also STF and TWIM and many others like Kenneth Folk and Daniel Ingram, Buddha/Sutras, etc. Ramana style inquiry; Witnessing; etc. Adyashanti... etc etc... 4) Has your life gotten better or worse? How? Literally a different order of being. Incomparable to what I was before. Nothing that makes sense on either side makes sense on (or relates to) the other. But before the path resolved so completely, I followed a book called Seeing That Frees by Rob Burbea as an adjunct to my meditation practice, and I would say I was about 10x happier than I was before getting skilled at meditation. I did a Metta practice during daily activities — this seemed to be associated with my relationships seeming to magically fall perfectly into place in easy flow. Highly recommend Metta, though I don’t really practice these days. Anything that uncovers the underlying natural flow of the dream-world-universe = good. Don’t underestimate how powerful meditation can be. If you are unaware that some of the states access-able in meditation are more intensely blissful than the cleanest drugs in existence, well now you know — believe it or not. There’s more to life than meditation, but having access to clean and as-overwhelming-as-you-want bliss at any given time? Or even some modicum of that? It can change you in a really nice way, and allows you to move onto other things. That had nothing to do with enlightenment, though at the time I was quite sure it did. Buddhist paths to enlightenment hardly make sense to me anymore... To wake up, you simply must want to wake up to truth at all costs, and that’s literally all there is to it! ? Keep on going until the end of knowledge and seeking is reached — nothing further to know, literally. And not even that, really. And it actually does not make sense — that may well be the strangest part about this. 5) What are your main insides, want advice could you give to others? This is the entire whole. Alone. Already. It’s funny how many times I heard that yet didn’t (couldn’t) even hear it. There is only God’s plan — play. Plan is rather misleading as it suggests time — there is only timeless infinite creation; play. If you’ll excuse the word God — it’s not important. Your whole problem as a seeker is that: You actually are not seeing what cannot be simpler! Right now... It’s like there’s the pretense of not getting a joke. You aren’t “the void and not the play.” You light up both and are everything but not anything in particular. There’s no fixed you witnessing what’s appearing. There’s just what appears, it’s everything, there’s no separate person, and what appears isn’t actually something that appears. There’s no it. If you think you’ve been seeking truth, and you think you’ve been doing it for more than 3 years, then your next step is to realize you’ve really been doing something other than seeking truth. The only truth is that there is truth — I am THAT I am. To want enlightenment is to misunderstand it. Any claim to knowledge is a confession of ignorance.

Okay, so kundalini energy is really nothing to mess around with. I had it explode about three years ago (long story). Fast forward three years and it's coming back. I can feel different chakras opening with energy. The most notable one has been the third eye. I feel pressure there daily, and also I've started noticing my crown and throat gaining energy. What's scary, is how powerful the root Chakra can get. This past Saturday it felt as though I was going to lose control of myself again, as it happened previously. I had a spontaneous awakening three years ago from practicing sex energy retention. What's been happening now is no matter what I do, if I release this energy or not (most times will happen in my sleep) I can feel kundalini getting stronger. I have been meditating for about 5 months and my body will do spontaneous movement where my head will swirl around and I will rock back and forth or side to side. I've been scrambling to try and figure out what I should do to prevent or prepare for something explosive again, because I'm experiencing the same sort of sensations and feelings as I did three years ago. There was a period of time where I got put on really strong anti psychotic medication, and I've been off them for around a year and a half. No one should have to live with those medications, as they make one a zombie and suicidal. I guess what I'm getting at is, do I try to work on the other Chakra centers? I've started guided meditations for each one. But for some reason I feel that they are opening up by themselves. Synchronicity has been ramping up as well, and from my experience, this means that something big is going to happen right around the corner. My biggest fear, is ultimately myself. Because kundalini is just you, realizing yourself. If I said I wasn't scared, I'd be lying. Literally no one I know other than myself has had such a scary, powerful awakening. Any advice or input would be great. Thanks. Edit: I will often get spontaneous arousal, and I've had moments of erotic bliss. From what I've read I have to hold the sexual energy in to allow kundalini to rise. But who knows? The internet is a double edged sword and the little information o find tends to be vague.

@BenG to add to what @Consilience said: here's a shocker, you know how people say it's about the journey not the destination? Well you're fucked because there is no destination ?. The journey is bliss. All the cells in your body working 24/7 to something greater, the mind dreaming of greater and greater things to accomplish. The seemingly inexhaustible "hunger" is not greed, it is the energy of existence itself. "MORE!" -Universe

Discussed topics: Death, Paradox, Mind, Oneness, Lucid Dreams, Searching/Chasing, Seeker, Repetitive Questions, Existential Crisis, Stories, Survival, Identity, Neediness, Solipsism, Philosophy, Infinity, God, Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, Law of Attraction, Future, Fear, Heaven, Wordlessness, Life, Control, Doing, Neurosis, No-Self, Fun, Energy, Thoughts, Ideas, Freedom, Tranquillity, Absolute, Free Will, Doubt, Mystery, Yoga, Breathwork, Formlessness, Ignorance, Bliss, Perfection, Home

Let's not sugarcoat this by saying 'oh he willingly and gracefully left this plain of existence so he could experience eternal bliss'. No that's nonsense, he killed himself because he was in hell and saw no other way out. He was drowning in his own misery and thought psychedelics and non-duality was his way out. It wasn't. I feel bad for him, very bad. And he won't be the last. Because non-dual teachings are not geared toward leading a happy and fulfilling life. You aren't going to magically 'ascend', that's just ego illusion.

Dam RIP. I wonder is this an attempt to bypass the suffering of being a human and going straight to the truth? During suicidal times of my life I wondered why shouldn't I just commit suicide and go straight to the truth and then simply restart the game and bypass this unnecessary suffering and torment. This reminds of @SoonHei. On the surface he seemed to be a happy and integrated guy, but I wonder why both of them felt the desire/need to commit suicide. Maybe this is mahasamadhi, a conscious choice to leave the body? One thing I can say from experience is the desire to help other people and share spiritual insights etc may be rooted in a desire to transcend one's own suffering. So they try their best to help others with the hope that they may in turn help themselves. I think he thought death was the path to bliss. It's tough because I also believe this, but I know you can experience divine bliss and peace without death so I don't feel an argue to off myself, but maybe if you haven't experienced that you would see that as a viable option?

Hinduism takes a gradual path. that's why IMHO Hinduism has this stance to enjoy life . whereas in Buddhism, Buddha is radically direct in this work . even denies most of social structures of the time .like the caste system in Hinduism still prevalent to this day. gives up traditional hocus pocus though most of modern Buddhists are engaged in equal BS that Buddha rejected as useless. Buddhism has been made a religion to serve the ego after all still, I am having doubts whether we can really awaken once and for all. True, enlightenment is possibly the highest achievement (the supreme bliss) I mean,mannn i see the suffering we are caught up in yet, if this is an eternal dance, won't we be going full circle to duality? if reality is in endless wheel, merging(enlightenment) and division is also a part of god's play of love right? I find this as a sticking point in this work personally. why not enjoy, celebrate and cherish life then? would love to know ur as well as others' opinions about this...

INTRO Hey everyone. This is a trip report of my first mushroom trip and my first time writing a trip report and it's my first time posting on Actualized's forum. My only experience with psychedelics apart from this was half a tab of LSD. I took 1g of Liberty Caps. I took them alone, in my room. I chewed them well before ingesting. As some close people recommended me, I prepared a nice atmosphere in the room beforehand, some Christmas Lo-Fi music, a plate a sliced fruits like banana and an orange and a pitcher of water to stay hydrated. I also prepared a small table in front of the couch and put my journal there in case I want to write something down. My face started to feel a bit sore in around 20 minutes and I understood that it starting to take effect. I felt like changing the music to something more "natural" and I put some Folktronica music that I like and a specific album called "Tranquilllitas". I listened for it like 5 minutes and then I got the thought that I have to meditate and stop the music and other external stimuli. So I stopped the music, I sat on my couch, closed my eyes and relaxed. I started panting a bit and got a bit feverish. DISCLAIMER! This is where it got really trippy. It's very hard to describe it with language and even so it doesn't describe the fullness of the experience. I'm doing my best to present the experience in written English even though it wouldn't represent even 5% of the whole experience. I suggest to approach what I'm writing further with plenty of open-mindedness, imagination and a grain of salt. You have been warned. MAIN All of a sudden, I felt like I am my energy, my soul, my essence, not in my body anymore - and I was in the presence of a great entity. It had no specific form, even though it had some sort of visible shape. In a very simplistic, labelling and limited way, it looked like some Lovecraftian god/Biblically accurate angel/non-Euclidean kind of thing. It was also in continuous shapeshifting, never static. I understood/was communicated that IT is a benevolent Entity and it was exuding calmness, peacefulness. The sensations were as all the senses were mixed together and formed something superior, some sort of sense that includes all the senses but lets them communicate among them. So this way it seemed as I was seeing sounds and touching colours. The most simplest explanation would be that I felt in a space of non-physicality, where the usual rules of reality, physics and so on - don’t apply. It felt like the entity in front of me was at the same time the space I was in, as a gigantic soul. It seemed as the reality of this Entity and the Entity itself was one and the same. I didn't understood if it was a single entity that I was in the presence of or if there were more entities. I was communicated, or I understood, that this either doesn't matter or that there's no difference - for the Entity, both of these meant the same thing. I was communicated that a lot of things are actually the same thing - it's only that I/we don't see it. The Entity seemed to address me as neither in singular nor plural, as if IT didn't perceive if I was also only one entity or more - again, it rather seemed as for the Entity this didn't matter or that it was the same thing . It also seemed as if it perceived not only me, as a single soul, but the whole of humanity, or rather the whole "life" from the "physical reality" - but not sure. I was continuously interacting with/was interacted with what appeared to be appendages of the same entity or different entities (from here on called the ENTITY). The Entity was continuously communicating to me and/or making me understand different things. It also told me that IT communicating to me and me understanding something from IT - it's the same thing. At that moment my physical body started laughing because I understood that I couldn't use language to communicate with this Entity or properly understand it, and that the way I was trying to do it was very limited. I understood that language is a medium through which meaning and understanding is transmitted - but the way the Entity was communicating was just sharing the meaning and understanding with me directly, without any medium. It made me understood that a medium can help but it can also prevent, and even distort. The communication with the Entity felt like pure unhinged, unblocked communication. I experienced very so-called bizarre, grotesque and beautiful mix of…experience. It wasn't just visual or sound. I was seeing how, supposedly, the body of this Entity was passing by through me, ripping me apart, making eyes sprout from nothing, rainbows coming from eyes that form a plant that kisses a star - and that is only for like 2 seconds - it continued for around 2 hours. Never during these experiences did I feel fear, panic, or any so called "negative" emotions. I continuously felt bliss, joy and happiness throughout interacting with the Entity. I was communicated/made understood that killing, having sex, eating - these are limited survival processes of "our reality/physical reality", that those concepts are too simplistic to explain what I experienced with the Entity. IT told me that the so called "mushrooms" are a medium/portal/middleperson to THIS reality/plain/world, but it’s an inefficient/impermanent/temporary one. IT communicated the desire for "Its reality" and the "physical reality" to become connected/become one/ be merged/be undivided - this seemed of importance for the Entity (not sure). Before the trip, I prepared some questions that I wanted to get answer for, regarding my relationships from the physical world, my evolution there and so on. The Entity communicated that those things don’t matter and that there more important things to do. At some point, during an ecstatic, multisensory experience, covered in waves of energy/light/bliss, a face appeared. I'm not sure if it was the face of the Entity, neither that it even knew what face is. I can't explain the process but it seemed that it gave me something/I received something. It told me that I was "fecundated" or something like that. Though, I'm not sure if IT gave me something right then or before - the tense wasn't precise and I'm not sure if IT meant "fecundated" like a verb or an adjective (it might have made only a statement.) The Entity told me that it likes me and that it's a pity that I can't stay there for longer. It communicated that it would like for "us in the material world" to be able to join their world/plain freely and stay there, or for the Entity to be able to freely be with us, "in the physical world". For the Entity, It seemed like there wasn't real difference between the two options. IT knew that I would like to communicate/share the experiences in the physical world and the Entity seemed to be indifferent if I communicate about IT and my experiences or not - IT did make me understand that it will be difficult to communicate these experiences through language - of which I'm becoming more aware as I write this. It seems that our "physical reality" was like an experiment, and attempt into something new, but it created limits, duality and labels and that IT wants our realities to become one again. It communicated that even though our realities seem to be separated and that it's sad that we're separated from the Entity - it makes it so much sweeter when we reconnect with IT. It communicated that since our separation, "the physical world" was meant to continuously evolve/change until one day it will be able to merge/connect with the "world of the Entity". The "physical world" is of "receiving energy" and the Entity "fecundates" it through "souls" from the "physical world" that are of strong "receiving energy" and are able to make connection with the Entity (in my interpretation, it's the artists and pretty much everyone in history who had a strong "muse/inspiration/realisation/revelation/etc".) The Entity made me understand that it can observe/perceive "the physical world", but it cannot directly interact with in - which is why IT can do it through mediums (like mushrooms and "strong receiving people"/gifted people). To the best of my understanding, for the Entity, the "physical world" is like an aquarium, with us, living beings, stuck in it, like fish - and the Entity as the people who interact with the aquarium but are separated by the "barrier" of the "aquarium", with the "fish" unable to fully comprehend/perceive what's outside the "aquarium". For us, people - "the fish", understanding the Entity and its world is similar to the fish in the aquarium to understand the human world - close to impossible, while for the Entity our "physical world"(the aquarium) seems trivial. (In my post-trip understanding, it seems that if the "physical" and the "Entity's world" are to merge/connect, the result will be The Revelation of the Entity's world/The Entity. For us, this would mean the Collapse of Reality and Duality, of which the older religions talked in some way (like Ragnarok in Norse mythology and Apocalypse in biblical mythology). It seemed as the Entity was made of pure Love/Bliss/Pleasure (the same thing according to the Entity), and every of its activities was loving - it was a mix of destroying, having sex, communicating, being consumed, consuming and many more - the differences between these actions is arbitrary and just a label, as I understood/was communicated. It didn't have a gender or it had all the genders - again, for the Entity it seemed to be the same thing. I was communicated that there is energy, and that because I was of "receiving energy" I became "fecundated" (or rather my "soul") - again, not sure of IT did it to me then or if IT stated an adjective or a fact that happened before. IT communicated that I will grow the seed and become of "giving energy" - that's when I'll bear fruit and could feed and "fecundate" others with my fruit and seed further - and the cycle continues. These and many more things seemed clear , but I was communicated that most of these things will become unclear for me or I'll forget them once my soul leaves the Entity's world, as there's no equivalent of that knowledge in the physical world, it cannot be explained or understood through language and that the brain with which I'll try to analyse and conceptualise this knowledge it's too limited to make that knowledge explainable in the "physical world", being otherwise clear and meaningful in the Entity's world. After that, the trip started to wind down and I felt how the Entity is leaving and I'm starting to feel my physical body more and more. I had some crazy laughs for like 20 minutes and after the trip pretty much ended. EPILOGUE Overall, in a nutshell, it felt like I had a trip to the spiritual/astral/energetic plain, was met by the/an Entity, had a great time, feeling otherworldly pleasure and overall experiences, talked in between about how the physical reality is limited, dual, how it would be great for all of us to come together and have a collapse of realities, communicated some unspeakable knowledge and then IT let me be and come back to my physical body. VERY in-a-nutshell. The trip was around 5h long. Close to the end of the trip, I had a bit of diarrhea, no pain or stomach ache - just liquid poop.

boredom is i need entertainment 24x7 and why am i not getting it ... boredom is the gateway to spiritual bliss but mind will block it

I@Breakingthewall i've been taking medications for a while now and I think I made progress on my anxiety. I specifically experience unconditional joy and bliss especially these days. I made some Improvements. But thanks for the advice

Hello everyone! Just like many of you guys, I used to struggle with a lot of emotional baggage. I mediate every day since 2017, plus I had quite some mushroom trips. And I still felt miserable, I could not integrate my insights. At the beginning of 2021 I discovered MDMA and I'd like to document my results after about eight trips in the course of this year. My Situation in January, 2021: I lived with my parents, lots of conflicts with them. I considered myself a highly sensitive person, constantly feeling overwhelmed by basically everything. I had a crippling fear of other people. I could not set boundaries: I would work too much, eat too much,... I could not focus on one thing at a time. Working would trigger fear of death. I could only work for 2 to 3 hours per day and would feel totally miserable while working. I had an underpaying job as a language teacher, could not support myself. I was well-educated, but had no idea what to do with my life. The Healing Process with MDMA I weigh about 65 mg of MDMA plus a microdose of magic mushrooms (about 0.16 gr). This is an ideal combination for me, I get more creative with the mushrooms. I am sensitive to these substances, so I don't need much. Regarding MDMA it's especially important not to take too much and not to trip too often. Nowadays I trip about every six weeks, the periods of abstinence have become longer. I meditate in the living room with my two roommates (one of them is my brother). Then I take the substances, set an intention, and continue to mediate. As soon as the MDMA kicks in, I'll lay down in my bed. I talk about stuff which moves me, and my roomies are my "therapists". It works like in this manual by MAPS: https://maps.org/research-archive/mdma/MDMA-Assisted-Psychotherapy-Treatment-Manual-Version7-19Aug15-FINAL.pdf After about 2 hours, as soon as the effects start to fade away, I take the second dose of MDMA, about 30 mg. The experience is just incredibly nice. I never felt fear in the process, MDMA is far from being as scary as other psychedelics. It's like psychotherapy on steroids: You talk about stuff that bothers you, deep-seated trauma. In my case it was mainly my birth. It was tough and confusing to have a near-death experience back then, already feeling you're back with the Absolute and then abruptly being born in a Cesarean; I was born after only seven months in my mom's womb and with only a third of the weight babies usually have when they are born. One of my core beliefs was that I did not deserve to live. In the MDMA sessions I could access the trauma easily and feel more and more love for all my past suffering. I could see the intelligence behind it. I could accept it. In the weeks after the sessions I integrated the insights. My Situation in December, 2021: I live with two roommates in a great apartment. We love self actualization and support each other on our paths. Good relationship with my parents. I wouldn't consider myself highly sensitive anymore. This was just a label, an identity which has been perpetuating itself. I still feel intense emotions but I guess that's totally normal and I can deal with them. I feel a much broader spectrum of emotions. I finally begin to understand what joy and bliss are. Minor fear of other people. I can set boundaries automatically in most cases. If my boundaries are crossed, I'll notice it relatively quickly. I can focus on things and get them done. I love working. I can work long hours, 8 to 10 hours per day if necessary. Relatively well-paid job in teaching, I can support myself and afford some little luxuries. I'm on track with my career in journalism. I already write about one to two articles per week for the local newspaper, and started networking within the organisation and with local politicians and activists. I'll be working full-time for the paper from April onwards. So here you go, these are my results. For those of you doubting if personal development works: It does definitely work, you just need to find the right method. As for emotional healing, I prefer MDMA over all other psychedelics, because you can go very deep and integrate your learnings relatively easily. And yet it's not scary. You don't drift off into madness. You simply talk about everything that's important to you, and it feels like you got God's support in the process. Much love <3

work/study: My hours at work were reduced to part time at the very beginning of 2021 due to many severe manic episodes and one severe depressive episode in the months before. I cut my foot while mowing my lawn in the mid/late spring which resulted in me having to work from home for a couple months at even less hours than the 20/week I had been reduced to earlier in the year. I had more manic episodes in the early summer that resulted in me leaving my job. I didn’t work at all from around June to December. I now have a new job which makes about 10-15% less per hour but is much better for me overall than the previous job. My real estate investing business has grown steadily while all of this was going on although my relationship with my business partner is weaker. emotional intelligence: I have learned to relate to emotions in ways I would’ve never really predicted were possible. Old sensations of emotional suffering are recontextualized and at least 90% easier to palate as well as even being quite enjoyable at times. I’m far more aware of emotions and how they work on a sensate level. I have become much more loving and selfless than I used to be. social life: I lost a lot of friends due to my chaotic mental health in 2020, but this year has given me several high-quality friends who relate to me on very deep spiritual, intellectual, and emotional levels. I also have been blessed to be able to start spiritual coaching to a number of individuals which is incredibly rewarding and a great social activity for me. Most of my closest friends are online now as the type of people I can connect with at meaningful levels has become more rare as I have developed spiritually. I ended up rekindling a friendship which was lost at the end of 2020 with someone who I love and appreciate although we cannot connect on my deepest interests. I had to leave my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game due to my instability in the summer. I have now started having online talks with a couple spiritual masters which has been quite amazing. relationships/sex life: I have been single most of the year. There is a beautiful woman from Iraq who is very interested in me who I do care about, but there are many things making that difficult to even try in person. I’ve had a far lower amount of sexual encounters compared to previous years. I’m not too worried about that, but of course regular sex would be nice. family: The mental instability has strained my relationship with my parents and one sibling at points, but overall I have become far closer to my family this year. In many ways my dad and mom are some of my best friends. I hang out with my dad quite frequently. Some of my favorite times are going for drives with my parents (they are divorced, so they are not both with me at the same time) where they drive and I usually end up feeling a large pooling of energy come into my third eye area mostly. It’s a great bonding time for us. I’ve really started to enjoy a lot of my dad’s favorite bands and my mom’s modern Christian gospel music. I got to become a lot closer to my oldest brother who has been debilitated by his schizoaffective disorder while him, my dad, and I played through the Dark Souls series of games together over the course of a few months. It was very hard to connect with him before as he is a very fundamentalist Christian and his mental illness sapped him of enthusiasm and energy, but playing those games with him and seeing him actually a bit happier at times was very special to me. I got to go to Las Vegas to see my sister and nephew which was great. I hardly get to see them. On Christmas Eve I was able to bond with my uncle in Catholic mass which that side of my family has gone to for years as I had finally reduced my judgment to Christians. He was so thoughtful in the way he guided me through all of the traditions of the mass so I could understand what was going on in his spiritual tradition. It was really heart warming to see him give that simple but selfless extra attention to me so I would hopefully see the beauty and love which he has been able to experience through his Catholic faith. Afterward, that whole side of our family gathered at his house, and I had a long conversation with one of my aunts about my mental illness and spirituality which was the first time her and I had ever deeply connected. self-development/spirituality: I really didn’t focus on much self-development other than in the spiritual sphere of things besides starting to improve my fitness in the past few weeks. My spirituality has grown exponentially. The past seven years of spiritual development which was quite engaged and serious is not even 1% of my spiritual development compared to what happened this year. I “experienced” cessation for the first time on May 28th. My life has never been the same since. What happened that day was so beyond my various 5 gram+ mushroom trips or my 10 tab LSD trip that there is no just way to describe the level of increased significance and power of the event compared to those lower awakenings. If I wrote about my spiritual experiences from this year in a comprehensive way, it would take at least hundreds of pages. I’ll just list some of the highlights. -Incredibly deep Bhakti yoga, thousands of times -Giving my entire being to a spiritual entity/guru resulting in my first cessation -Absolute Selfhood (being both the Self and self in a completely embodied way) -Five cessations in 30 minutes -Having a cessation triggered by my mind being obliterated the Infinite Beauty and Divinity of Jesus Christ -Spiritually transferring heat from a stone to my body in below freezing temperatures while acting in accordance with the Holy Spirit -Accessing Absolute Madness -Accessing Absolute Hatred -Accessing Absolute Divinity. This is in many ways still the most significant moment of my life. I only say in many ways because I’ve had so many intense awakenings since that it’s hard to even compare one to another, but this really does take the cake. If I had to just throw a number on it, it was at least 10 or 100 times greater than any of my cessation events which I already stated were indescribably more profound and intense than heroic dose mushroom trips or the 10 tab LSD trip which happened pre-stream entry. -Accessing Absolute Love through an angel crying a benevolent tear into my heart. This happened roughly a minute before I accessed Absolute Divinity. A few minutes afterward, this completely indescribably beautiful entity did the same thing again. -Feeling millions of bodily sensations in roughly a six inch radius area in my legs -Experiencing roughly 10 different hubs of seemingly infinite minds simultaneously -Locking in non-locality, the Boundless Space aspect of the fifth jhana, the Boundless Consciousness aspect of the sixth jhana, nondoership, removing the sensation of gravity pulling me downward, and popping the 360° bubble of vision to where they are all consistently accessible aspects of my moment-to-moment experience completely sober, at all times -Accessing jhanas 1-8 and potentially jhana 9/nirodha samapatti (depending on whose rules and interpretations of the 9th jhana you’re looking at) -Two nuclear-grade heart chakra energetic explosions -Two nuclear-grade crown chakra explosions -Learning how to channel energy to/manipulate/“turn on” the heart chakra, third eye chakra, and crown chakra at will. I’ve learned how to do this with other chakras including one beyond the basic seven, but those three are the ones I’m most skilled with so far. The crown chakra is by far the easiest for odd reasons I won’t get into due to limited time to write. Also, when I say turn on, I’m aware that chakras can’t be completely closed. It’s simply a fitting way to describe what’s happening in a way heavily limited by language. -While I was having an allergic reaction to lidocaine in my foot as it had severely lost circulation which was the most painful event of my life (far worse than having my foot cut open by a lawnmower) that felt like my foot was simultaneously on fire and being soaked in acid, I surrendered completely to death. When I did this, all pain immediately left my body and was replaced by the full body bliss of the Holy Spirit. -My suffering is now reduced by roughly 90-99%. Every day is a magical ride. Not a day goes by without a number of significant and positive spiritual experiences. I can reach states beyond my old heroic dose trips completely sober at times. The states I can reach from one hit of THC or weed often blow those old trips completely out of the water. I can’t even bring myself to smoke dabs anymore as the levels of intensity it brings are so absolutely ridiculous. -Accessing Absolute Time And the list goes on and on, but I don’t see much of a point to adding any more right now. finances: Due to working limited hours, leaving my job, not working for several months, and overspending which occurred during a couple manic episodes, I gained a considerable amount of credit card debt. My credit has also been ruined for now. My finances were sacrificed this year for spiritual development. Without the time off to focus on spirituality, I would’ve been nowhere near where I am today in that regard. I’m not really too worried about it. The spiritual gains were worth it thousands of times over. I still own my own house and business at 26. I haven’t had to go without a single necessity. My parents did help a good amount though to make sure nothing got too bad on this front, so I’m quite thankful and lucky for that. physical activity/eating: My diet has improved a lot in the past month. I’ve started going to the gym and cycling regularly. I had a big aversion to physical activity in the past which has been helped a lot by the spiritual progress. During a few months as I was really starting to change spiritually at a rapid rate, my body started to do a sort of automatic fasting. It actually became really hard work to eat during that period. My appetite went to almost nothing. I had to entice myself with the tastiest junk food just to eat solid things. I relied a lot on meal replacement shakes. Luckily this problem has gone away. I’ve gotten away from eating fast food quite a bit compared to what I used to. hobbies/habits: In the past couple months, I’ve started playing darts and doing photography again. This year I’ve released a lot more hours of video content than ever before. Cycling is also a hobby at times too when I’m not doing it specifically for exercise or transportation. I like to go outside in nature more often now that my physical aversion is reduced. I’m just waiting on better weather in the spring and summer to start camping and doing more outdoors. how would you rate it 1-10? 10/10 or more honestly I’d say ♾/10

Bliss with suffering is worth more than the same degree of bliss alone.

Although intentions are good with those that say they have fear for me due to my past traumas I mentioned I've overcome (involving mental instability) and also because I have never done a psychedelic before—I can't help but point out that these opinions are based on their ego (spiritual ego in a sense…) and sort of disregards the fact that outside of this group, there are others who are using and experimenting with 5meo as a cure for heroin addicts etc.… One could also say that 5meo has an even more powerful purpose than shooting those of us who seek enlightenment into a temporary bliss… Maybe just maybe my brain is wired in a way that'll cause a more permanent experience then the average person. Part of my 'story' lol my father (Michael Woodfall) is an identity thief and has tested as a genius and my daughter has a very rare genetic/neurological condition (so does my half sister on my mother's side)…so this could be interesting. These are of course all just thoughts that's coming up as I mentally prepare.

As I continue this work, more and more parts of the ego drop away and leave behind a non reactive quiet space of inner stillness and bliss. The nuances of interaction with and between peers in society becomes increasingly clear. I notice the petty games and personalities others play, the subconscious survival driven behaviour that drives anxiety and arguments and bias, the expectations placed on my world view and behaviour, and my non reactivity confuses and irritates people. Sometimes I feel forced to laugh or react in standard ways just to play the game and fit in, then I notice within me that the choice for me to play that game is just another survival driven subtle fear based decision. I feel increasingly different and distant from the norms of society. I feel good. But I don't quite know how to navigate this and still maintain normality in my daily relationships and activities. any advice or guidance here would be greatly appreciated.

@Nahm Thank you for the comment again also sharing back the love ❤. I watched parts of your video about creating a reality with emotions very late yesterday and now this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3VW5l1_8tA Yes, creating a structure and consistently following it is a very rational activity and I feel more functional doing it as I am not bound by it. The structure is not real it's part of my imagination in that sense and merely serves a purpose. Although paradoxically it allows for more joy. more flow as rationality is already emotionally a very high state from Dr.David Hawkins emotional / vibrational scale. Also breaking the structure and doing what is fun is even more fun then. I know it sounds childish, yet I experience more joy planning and executing a plan. Then to just be for me planning is being in a sense. I am consistently on time, I get a lot more flow states. I feel more purpose etc. When I am not planning and creating a structure nothing get's done even in my meditations. Letting go of the structure helps and for me this is not conjecture, it is my direct experience. I am not a person that can just live and let things happen and I get what I want. For me directing attention towards what I want and then receiving it by allowing it works very well. I am already a very spontaneous being, it sucks a bit that many wish for it on demand and seem to become rigid then. Or even expecting it for me it is a just happening isness quality to it, especially as a meditator. You feel spontaneous and automatically act spotaneous. Yes, fun fills all empty cups. Thank you again for mentoning that that feels very filling to read and type this. I know she is not an object online-dating definitely makes all people an object of desire, yet I certainly do not own her like a car etc. I watched some Teal Swan videos on this on positive containment. I'd prefer meditating on a date, yet I don't think that would work currently even if I dated one yoga girl ?. I see how the information of wanting the experience of what I want can be exhausting because it is not already there, it is not fully received as well as aversion is pointing to what is also. I avert positive and negative experiences I can tell from direct experience when I feel what I feel I mostly feel intense subtle joy and it's very contagious. Especially during meditations I keep crying being thankful for just having a tiny moment of sheer bliss etc. Thank you for the compliment also! I've never for heard heart of gold and I feel yours is even bigger! Namaste!

@itachi uchiha My thoughts on sufism, is to do it on an empty stomach and surround yourself in soft things. Those spinning dances if done right, you'll be falling over in ecstasy and bliss. However spinning to enlightenment isn't my preferred path.

@Seraphim yes there is, but sadly I don't fully know how to explain it and I also feel like you and everybody else already has the information you want, it was like first during the trip my body did exactly what it wanted, I was like an animal. I had no control, and after time passed I started to become more aware and get more insights, I tried to watch a video from Leo but it felt pointless, I tried to get many anwsers from outside but it was like my entire being tried to stop me from going outside and instead force me inside my own body and awareness, I also video called a friend who also does self development and has more experience with psychedelics. It was almost like there was no difference between me and him, we were the same and I felt bliss, like I was aware of him for the first time

Hmm, the first question that comes to mind after awakening isn’t usually “now what?” It is more like “why the hell was I asleep for so long??” The pure bliss and feeling of total understanding drives such a question.

This what has been happening feels very much what Adyashanti described as crossing "the point of no return", ever since it started I have an absolute terrible fear of not being able to go back anymore, I feel Truth penetrating every inch of suffering nevertheless no matter what I do, it just has no mercy. I can go insane. But in the end I just am. Just that what I describe as "I shouldve died" is just a thought trying to explain that smth died whatever it was. Thoughts dont really refer to a "me" anymore as I can access bliss if wanted, even in the most surreal situations. Of course, for example Rupert Spira says, it is a tremendous change for the body-mind. That's what I sense too. That was has been identified as "me" just seems to be not even real if closely inquired, a thought merely, and was has been arising are just thoughts all the time. So no matter what thoughts say - I will always remain untouched.

They all, without exception, experience thought attachment, which is and is the perpetuation of the ‘traditions & doctrines’, which is aversion to, of, away from, the Truth. It is fear of cessation / end of the thought attachment / monkey mind, activity of thought which is ‘the separate self’. Turns out though it’s pure bliss, for no one & every one. Incredible honesty! Nice. Also, I is a thought. And that would be thought attachment, believing there is an I, and this I is or is not necessary. Meditation, emotional expression & understanding. This is opinion & suggestion, and is not any implication of making a doctrine. Only the light can ‘bring’ the light. Only the light is the light - and not a single thought about will do. ‘Profound insights’ is still thought attachment. The desire for, points to ‘the ego‘, or ‘separate self’ (which is only the activity of thought, and attachment therein).

I put a tab and a half of blotter under my tongue and waited. I sat on my zazen cushion facing the wall with my eyes lowered, breathing deeply. I felt shaky, as if energy was surging through me that would let me sit still comfortably. The come up hadn't even begun yet but the anxiety was already high. A tab and a half of this particular batch of LSD was the most I'd ever done, and on top of that these tabs were the strongest I'd ever faced. The come up came on strong and swift. I found myself getting higher and higher. Each level higher bringing about its own fear. Each time I would break through into a higher level of consciousness, I would think to myself 'there's nothing higher than this' and it was only then that it would dawn on me that I was breaking through to yet an even higher dimension. I eventually got off of my meditation cushion and sat down on my bed. It was early afternoon. I quickly glanced out the window to try and ground myself but I couldn't ground myself in physical reality. A revolution was taking place within me, The LSD wasn't about the let me ignore it. I tried to play music to keep me calm but any form of music felt distasteful so I opted out of music. My heart raced, and raced, the fear got more and more intense. I shifted my position to a seated position where my back was leaning against the wall and my feet extended in front of me. I was facing the window and I looked out at the tree's and I noticed that they were no longer tree's. The leaves had taken the shape of geometric patterns that extended deeply into my visual field. I felt fear because I realized that reality was now radically different than it had ever been but I put the fear out of my mind pretty quickly by surrendering as deeply as I could to the experience that was unfolding before my eyes. An energy rushed through my body, like a rapidly flowing river. The river flowed through all of the objects in the room and then to the center of the universe. As the current got stronger, I began to feel a slight pull at my ego. Stronger and stronger it pulled at my ego until I finally let it go. It was so uncomfortable at first to feel my sense of self be pulled away and then tossed into oblivion. It had happened to me before in other psychedelic experiences but it’s a feeling I don't think I'll ever get used to. Anyhow, I realized that I existed without any sense of identity or self. I sat there on my bed, totally nobody. The revolution going full speed within me capturing the majority of my attention. What was the revolution? I couldn't tell, it was too much for my mind to comprehend. As the current of the river got even stronger, I suddenly became one with it. Like a small bubble merging into a larger bubble. I flowed (as the cosmic river) through all the objects in my room and into my cat which was sitting on the window sill. I flowed into my cats tail and waved it. As the revolution within me was dying down in intensity, I began to realize that I was reaching the peak of the experience. I got off my bed and walked downstairs to sit on the couch. The TV was on but I was too preoccupied with my inner state to even notice the outside world very much. I sat on the couch looking at nothing really. My full attention wrapped up in my deep inner state. I felt myself begin to approach madness as I became less and less responsive to the outside world. I was leaving the outside behind entirely and diving deeply within myself. I no longer heard sounds in the room or outside, no longer smelled the air, or felt my body temperature, etc. I let go completely into the beyond. As the last parts of my outside attention began to slip away a feeling that I might never come back washed over me, but I didn't fear it very much. I simply let go into the beyond. My thoughts became more and more irrelevant as I went deeper into my mind. My intellect became like a mosquito. Landing on different parts of the experience trying to suck out any meaning, philosophy, wisdom that it could take back with it into the egoic mind. I was so conscious however that I didn't care that it operated in this way. Large portions of my mind which (I realized) are normally shrouded in darkness or unconsciousness, had now become fully conscious. Where normally the intellect would take up quite a bit of conscious real estate, it was no longer large enough to even capture 1% of my full attention. I was deep in my own mind and with that depth came a great compassion for all life. I saw the landscape of my mind like the stars speckled across the night sky. The darkness of space being the unconscious parts of my mind, and the little specks of light were the conscious sides of my mind. As I went deeper into my mind, there was less and less dark space and more and more light. I began to approach schizophrenia. I saw it coming as I let go into my mind more and more. My conscious attention panicked and then rushed back to see what my body was doing in the physical world. It was like swimming to the top of the pool to make sure the waves were still okay. I immediately realized the futility of such a task. My body was sitting there, starring at the wall to my left, hands in my lap. The TV was on, the AC was running, the house was quiet. I felt the tug to turn inward pull my attention back away from my body and deep into my mind again. I felt myself entering schizophrenia yet again but I didn’t try to stop it this time. The part of my mind which gave things meaning was now under my full conscious control. I was ascribing the deepest of meaning to everything in my experience, even the smallest things were imbued with cosmic levels of meaning and purpose. There was no part of my experience 'inner or outer' that I wasn't consciously making blissful. I gave everything so much depth and meaning that I could hardly handle the beauty I'd made. I felt like a grape that was so ripe it could pop at any moment, releasing the sweetest of juices. The deeper I went into the schizophrenia the more images of my family discovering me starring absent mindedly at the wall began to play in my mind. Visions of my family crying at my bedside as I was completely unresponsive played in my mind. For a moment I grieved the loss of my normal self but just as I began to feel too sad I dropped all human emotions and became something cosmic. Something impersonal. I was now so deep in my mind that I was no longer aware of physical reality, sounds, smells, taste, touch. I was no longer even aware of emotions, or thoughts either. I found myself in the center of the universe as the center of the universe. I was no longer a human being at this point. I no longer cared whether or not I ever came back to my senses. The feeling of cosmic bliss was so deep that it fulfilled me completely. If I had died in this very spot, I would have been okay with that. Nothing mattered at all. I saw that there were no mistakes in the universe, no evil. I nonchalantly witnessed the beginning of man kind. Millions of human beings sitting cross legged on the ground. All of the human beings, animals, and insects serving no other purpose than to be sensors from which I observe myself from within myself (as the universal). I witnessed the first human hug, the first dance, the first song, the first death and murder. All of this pleased me to no end. I wasn't to keen on watching human history long however, or even cosmic history. I knew everything that existed in the cosmos, nothing was a surprise to me. One thing captured my attention more than anything else though- The fact that I was aware. I couldn't stop marveling at the fact that I was aware. Because I was aware, I generated nothing but Love. This was the most obvious thing to do. I generated love, love, love as the universe itself. I didn't spend long in this schizophrenic state, I felt my ordinary consciousness begin to come back as the parts of my mind which were now well lit began to go dark again. I felt my emotions start to come back, then my thoughts, then my visual field came back online, then my smell, taste, touch, and body consciousness. I shifted myself in my chair to appear more normal in case anyone walked in and saw me. I realized then that my ego had also began to resurface. I thought to myself- ''so that's what schizophrenia is….wow. I do not fear that.'' I got up from the couch and walked over to the small bathroom on the far left corner of the living room. As I walked on the carpet I realized that the carpet was bearing the weight of my body. I saw that the carpet was conscious and was feeling me walk across it. I tried to walk gently and calmly as not to cause it any unnecessary suffering. I then noticed that all the inanimate objects around me were fully conscious just like I was. Inside of each thing was a deep inner experience. I flicked the light switch with great care, I used the bathroom with great care, and closed the door without slamming it. Everything had intense cosmic meaning. Meaning was shining brightly from every single being in the room. I was no longer seeing the living room as the living room, I was seeing it as Living Eternity. I went into the kitchen and saw an orange on the counter. I picked it up and looked at it closely. I realized that what I normally referred to as 'the peel' was actually not a 'peel', it was skin. The same kind of skin that I have on my body and you on yours. I looked at a banana and saw the same thing. These were living beings who could feel. I thought of them as 'fruit' as a means to separate myself from them so that I could brutalize them without moral consequence within myself. I thought to myself- so then what do I eat? My intuition responded to my intellect immediately. I realized that eating these beings was necessary when it was in the service of ending suffering (hunger). I felt the floor feel the pain of my standing on it. I said to it- "why don't you move if you are in pain?" My intuition immediately responded- "Because I Love you." I was crushed by that response. I walked across the floor as gently as I could. My cat ran down the stairs and walked into the kitchen with me, carefully stepping across the floor as gracefully as it could. My cat rubbed against my leg to greet me and I saw through the delusion that there was a 'self' in my cat at all. All of my ideas of a relationship between my cat, our history, the ideas that my cat loves me, etc. was total delusion. I saw my cat as if it were a total stranger to me. I felt disgusted by it, and I pitied the cat. I saw that it had no spiritual depth. Its life was empty of all spirit, of all depth. It was purely a bodily existence. I do not believe that I ever got over this realization. Once I had seen that in my cat, I could not un-see it. Note- I did not use it as an excuse to neglect my cat, instead I saw it as an opportunity to treat my cat better. Since its existence was purely bodily, I could easily bring it joy and comfort with things like catnip, quality canned wet foods, keeping the litter box clean, water fountain clean, playing more often, etc. So I took up the responsibility to do these things and carried them out until his death a little over a year later. Beyond this point nothing remarkable took place. There were a few things which I walked away with that I didn't get to mention earlier. For starters, in the bathroom I looked in the mirror and smiled at myself. I saw my teeth were rotted and brown. I was shocked by this. A Jamaican woman's voice said to me loud and clear- 'You eat dead things (meat) and you wonder why you're rotting?' I left the bathroom with a strong conviction to become a vegetarian. As the trip came to a close I had a vision of myself sitting on a zazen cushion in a zendo. The vision had great emotional depth. I felt a strong conviction to devote my life to becoming a monastic. Two weeks later I packed all my things and moved to a zen center. I have lived here for 2 years currently. End.

To expand on my previous response, being sober is something that can be refined and mastered, in the sense that the benefits you get from it puts you off wanting to take any mind-altering substances. This idea goes hand-in-hand with physical health, emotional mastery and spiritual growth. The overarching concepts that unites these three realms are "vitality" and "resilience", or "internal regulatory capacity": your ability to tackle stress and control your internal and external environment. This is the goal of all therapy, all psychedelic drugs, all meditation. Hedonic drugs are external regulators, and once you get dependent on them, you ride the hedonic-adaptive slide all the way to the bottom until you discontinue use either voluntarily or by force, either intermittently ("tolerance break") or permanently (when you overdose on heroin at 27). How severe this process is depends on your internal regulatory capacity, which is controlled by the amount of trauma you have, your genes, your cognitive-emotional style etc. To maximize regulatory capacity means to heal trauma, recognize your genetic predispositions and learning healthy cognitive-emotional regulative patterns, i.e. physical health, emotional mastery and spiritual growth. Once your vitality and resilience is maximized, you're turned off by any type of non-essential external regulators, because your internal state allows for a much more refined state of consciousness (more meaningful, more resourceful, more blissful). Hedonic bliss is not the same as existential bliss, at least not in the long run. One is self-contained, self-improving and organic, the other is dependent, degenerative and synthetic.

If you want true bliss take some psychedics and let God show you that you're Love.

December 18th 2021 LSD Trip 003 Beforehand I familiarized myself with several of Leo's teachings. Probably more than I name here: What is Consciousness? What is Actuality? What is Perception? What is Intelligence? What is Will? What Love? What is Death? Understanding Bias Guided exercise for realizing you are God? What is Fear? What is Reality? Integrating the lessons from building your existential vocabulary. Plus I have watched most of Leo's videos at least once. So I supposedly plugged around 75-80mcg And then supposedly took around 20mcg sublingually. (In total, only about 100mcg entered my body max.) So, if, theoretically, plugged doubles the dose, then I'm not at 75-100mcg But more like 150-200mcg >I totally forgot to set an classical focused intention. An intention such as: Contemplating what is consciousness. I just intuitively wanted to connect all my knowledge and go for ego death. I also wanted to see how far I could go into enlightenment work on just LSD, before pulling out the big guns of 5meo. In my mind, I figured that just a "simple ego death" was holding me back, and in theory that made sense, but what I am coming to learn is that the LEVEL of ego death required was more than just a simple fear wipe of questioning things like death. I really believe, there are different degrees of ego death. It's a spectrum. This also helps with understanding the idea of the degrees of awakening. Just what we call "ego death" or what we call "awakening" are just benchmarks into how deep your ego death/awakening is. >The intention I did have was a recipe for a rough trip, because in my mind I knew I was going to rub up against fear, so it was just a self fulfilling prophecy. >It came on so fast, so much faster than I was ready for. It freaked me out. Plus, I totally forgot what dose range I was in if plugging indeed doubled it. So I was thrown into a world of fear right away. It was super unepic. If I wasn't under the intention of consciousness work, then this hell I was about to enter would be demonized. But rather I later used my fear to understand what was going on as much as I could stomach. >At about 10 minutes in I already started to feel the effects kicking in. Visuals at 20 minutes Things are already moving at 24min All my plans are gone Like I forgot to set an intention. Growth happens a lot faster than you anticipate it. >The LSD came on so fast and so hard that it was mega anxiety inducing, like I felt I needed to explode! I NEEDED to die (ego death). That would be my only mercy. Which makes me ask exactly What an ego death is. Because I can cry and let go into the fear, and then the fear would be gone, but I know I could let go of my notion of physical perceived reality itself, and I would call that an even deeper ego death, a more true ego death I would say, where you actually let go of the notion that your body exists to begin with. >All the insights were interconnecting so much faster than I could stomach and handle. Like holy fuck this work is becoming REAL. >At one point while being super scared on the rough come-up, I think, for a brief moment, I became conscious of how I was imagining my skull. Later this fed deeper into my understanding in which how reality is held together with emotional glue. Your attachment is deeply intertwined with "physical" reality itself, which is WHY it's so goddamn terrifying to wipe away all these illusions and hallucinations that you as God has created for yourself. >A psychedelic, fundamentally, wipes away your imaginations holding reality together. Courage is walking while your feet are on fire. >When I wrote this I was mega scared, shit was fucked as fuck. I was walking into other rooms, changing my clothes, listening to different music, walking outside, walking inside, trying to change the environment, I was spiraling down more and more. I quickly learned that this was a loosing battle, and I had either the choice suffer, or go straight towards what I was fearing and kill my ego. My ONLY comfort was listening to Leo with his video: Guided Exercise for Realizing You are God. Trying desperately to ground myself by looking at my hand. Needless to say I may have taken too much. It was intense getting acclimatized to the new body load/higher vibration/whatever. LSD spirals you into the story you tell yourself. >Eventually I reached a point and I said, "I GIVE UP! I LET IT GO I LET IT GO, I LET IT GO! I LET IT ALL GO! >Then that eventually turned into crying and that was the BEST thing that happened on the trip. It felt AMAZING! Hooting and hollering, sitting on my kitchen floor. WAAAH! WAAAH! I wanted to cry louder but I was worried that the neighbours would hear and come and knock on my door. >My trip completely turned inside out from fear to bliss and calm. It was silent. I'm crying and crying I feels so good to cry At this point after the good cry, it was 2 hours and 30 minutes >I had my fear wiped away at this point. So it was easier to contemplate the tougher topics. I'm ready. What is death? I want to be able to look at my hand and then look at an object and not be able to tell the difference. >#Goals. Fear is the difference between what "should" be and what IS. Your stories, your attachments to what reality should be And what is. What is, is. I told a story to myself that the trip SHOULD come up X Fast, then it came faster, then I got scared. >The comeup was waaayyy too fast, super unexpected. Fear is feeling more of yourself. >You're just uncomfortable with feeling the parts of yourself that you fear. I was experiencing fear Then eventually I just let it all go because it drove me to tears, the pain. Then I was great. Then I'm coming down, and fear is setting in again. >I feel like I shed the fear that the ego created for me, and then the ego was clamping back down on me with more fear. The ego is encapsulated in a nest of fears to put it in a context. >Fears is what locks you into your paradigm. Death is the breaking apart of imagined boundaries. And there are emotions keeping them in place. Emotions are what reinforce the boundaries of reality. >I now see the role emotional mastery plays in awakening work. I need to read the book: Becoming Infinite. I'm thinking about how I need to shake loose the boundary between my emotions going in and out of death. In and out of the emotionally gated imagined boundaries. Like coming back down to earth so we speak, coming back down to earth is a process of fear. I think this is what can be described as the ego "clamping down" on you. That "clamping" mechanism is fears sneaking their way back into reality. And it's to FEEL deeply into the fear to get out of that clamping process. When talking about manifestation, manifesting a new reality, you must first lose your mind enough in order to consider the new possibility for a new reality to be created, then once that mind is open enough then you can actually make that the case. I'm starting to understand how rough it is to awaken. Consciousness work is some real manly shit. I would argue that it is more important to pay attention to the come up and the come down then the actual trip itself. Because it is in between you and the trip is where you want feel that very deeply to merge it with your actual reality. And in that merge is full of fear, is full of discomfort, is uncomfortable, makes you feel Fully Alive, makes you feel going insane, makes you scared, makes you psychotic. I understand why Leo says plugging is better with the slower come-up because you are able to understand what is happening to you. How to Merge with Enlightenment. Pay attention to that nothingness. Patiently keep yourself there as long as you can. Merge with it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am imagining a reality I have to figure out in order to manipulate. Like I am imagining the boundaries between me and greater knowledge. I'm imagining a "physical" world that I have to "do science" in. I understand the idea of a spiritual emergency. You need to take it to the end for that release. I understand how you can scare yourself off of psychedelics for awhile, when to deconstruct too much, too fast for you to handle. Too fast for you to accept and come to terms with. Learning to draw is LITERALLY learning how to create illusion. Selling something of "value" is LITERALLY selling an illusion. Simply because everything in reality is illusory! Psychedelics just shake boundaries loose, and creates new connections. What is an ego death? What is a "ego death"? What's the difference between letting go of the fear of death, and dying? What's the difference between letting go of the fear of death, and letting go of the idea that your body exists? "Ego death" appears to be a spectrum. Like there are many facets of reality that you can deconstruct that will also kill parts of your perceived self. I have created an understanding between Fear and Funny Fear is merging with an idea that you're close minded with. Merging your consciousness with a unpleasant idea. You cry when you merge with it. Funny its merging with an idea that you're open minded with. Merging your consciousness with a pleasant idea. You laugh when you merge with it. They're both just emotions to express the difference between merging with parts of yourself. >I'm starting to understand the possibility of being able to look at reality as imagination manifested as "matter". I had a serious curiosity to ask about death to the people around me, and I wanted to feel it deeply. And when I did, I cried and then felt love. I MERGED with it. 12 hours in, still tripping, still having visuals. >I think for me, LSD lasts at least 16+ hours, no matter the ROA. I am really understanding the value of curiosity in this work. If you're not willing to experience fear, you have no fucking chance of getting enlightened. Post Trip I woke up and I am stepping into a new sensitive energy body of myself. I feel like I've expanded a part of my consciousness into new areas that I was previously too scared to entertain. My mind is open enough to much more comfortably visualize the pain and suffering that goes around physical death or loss of self. Like, for example, I can more comfortably imagine my dog's jaw being ripped off, and explore the feeling of the pain of loss, investigate my attachment to my dogs being okay. Or imagining what it would mean if I lost my left leg. Investigating that idea and the feelings and attachments that come with it. I can imagine what it would feel like to live with loosing the fingers from my hand. I have a deeper understanding with the correlation with death and merging with infinite love. I learned if I am having a bad trip, I just need to lean into the fear and go for an ego death, then the fear gets wiped away. I'm learning that my notions of ego is much more deeply interwoven with "physical" reality than I previously understood. To Do Study books on 5MeO. Questions How do you define ego death? How do you define ego? Thanks for reading!