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I'm also planning to change my name. This kind of journaling helps me because it's like tweeting. This helps me in keeping it together and not letting myself get lost in thoughts or other work. I know exactly what I'm doing.. I am going to use this journal for mini updates. Little things and reminders. Things will get better, I promise to myself. Focus on yourself and fuck that shit. Whatever the universe does it does it for good The only thing I hate is that I can't keep editing. I wish I could just sink into nothingness. But then there is always this needy me, the need for getting love and acceptance in any community is pretty strong for me, especially since the constant feeling of abandonment and neglect I experienced as a child. But whatever. I will think that the mountains are accepting me. Done deal. Nature can give more where humanity fails. And I'm such a strong soul. Do I ever give up? If I ever became a mother, my child will never feel unloved or abandoned, not the way I was raised, nope, I will shower my child with utmost care and love unconditionally, be the mama bear mother, my spirit will stay with by loved ones even if my body doesn't.. There is an innate quality to the spirit that nobody can rob.. I have come so far out of so much negativity thrown at me as a child, I conquered everything, whenever my mother thought that I was a nobody, I showed I was somebody. No child has to feel abandoned, lonely and unloved or undeserving by the mother. That's the worst way to raise a child.. My mother had already decided that I was the unwanted child. But I wasn't gonna give up. I have been fiercely loyal to all those I care about, to all those I love. Often times to my own detriment, because they would betray me. Later it would hurt like a stab. Imagine helping a person so much only for that person to call you a bitch and walk away completely abandoning you. Realizing that you did so much to help someone and they turn out to be grateful. And leave you when you need them. You get reminded of how shitty humanity is. I AM A LONEWOLF... I HAVE always known this. I was always a LONEWOLF. I used to sit alone on a bench.. I fucking did everything on my own. Not one help. Every little thing on my own. I fought for myself like a lion when everyone went against me. I proved them wrong when they decided things for me. My entire life was up until now a fight... A fight to live in a cutthroat world.... A fight against my own family. A fight to prove that I'm worth it. Nothing was ever served to me. I earned every single feather. Sometimes I feel like the only person who stood for me was me. I used to write a diary even as a child. I remember when I was 16, my diary entry was somewhat like "Who will be there for me across that bridge?" who will be there for me all along? I think I could sense betrayal even as a 16 year old. I knew at the back of my mind that my life was always going to be lonely, even if I had people around me, they would only be a facade, they will love me but it will be fake, that the person who will truly be around me when I need someone will only be me. I used to get creepy vibes knowing this but I also knew that this was the truth.

The Egg By: Andy Weir You were on your way home when you died. It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me. And that’s when you met me. “What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?” “You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words. “There was a… a truck and it was skidding…” “Yup,” I said. “I… I died?” “Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said. You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?” “More or less,” I said. “Are you god?” You asked. “Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.” “My kids… my wife,” you said. “What about them?” “Will they be all right?” “That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.” You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty. “Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.” “Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?” “Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.” “Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,” “All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.” You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?” “Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.” “So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.” “Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.” I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had. “You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.” “How many times have I been reincarnated, then?” “Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.” “Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?” “Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.” “Where you come from?” You said. “Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.” “Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.” “Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.” “So what’s the point of it all?” “Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?” “Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted. I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.” “You mean mankind? You want us to mature?” “No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.” “Just me? What about everyone else?” “There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.” You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…” “All you. Different incarnations of you.” “Wait. I’m everyone!?” “Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back. “I’m every human being who ever lived?” “Or who will ever live, yes.” “I’m Abraham Lincoln?” “And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added. “I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled. “And you’re the millions he killed.” “I’m Jesus?” “And you’re everyone who followed him.” You fell silent. “Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.” You thought for a long time. “Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?” “Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.” “Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?” “No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.” “So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…” “An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.” And I sent you on your way.

I finished it and what I thought was, usually I try to imagine showing the episode to a hardcore Dawkins type, as preaching to the choir is redundant I think? I think I would have gone deeper into the yarn thing. I don't think people will be convinced from hearing "X is a figment of consciousness". I think there are probably ways to expand on that... Usually if I talk to people like that, you can show their idea has the same infinite regress issue of "where did God come from?" seen in Christianity etc... I.e. they dig down and down thinking that eventually they will find the most basest of substance....... And when they can't dig any deeper and the substance is irreducible, there will always still be "where did that come from?" or "what is that made from?"... The equality of consciousness and total nothingness was mentioned. I think that could be expanded further also... The fact of reality is that everything is like how a ghost passes through walls but forever in every direction. Never anything solid ever, no solid substance is ever reached... Emptiness is quite easy to showcase I think, if people imagine losing all their senses, what is left. And if they say ofc like "just black", black is a color, it's sight, still a thing. You have to remove that... Anyway... Lastly the telepathy talk. Not for me, I do think that is delusional. Not because it can't happen, but because it isn't going to happen here. As soon as you are a human figure on Earth you are a character in the dream and the dream's constraints apply. One of those being that as a human figure in this universe you can't suddenly fly around or read minds. These feats will never be demonstrated by any human in this universe... You can imagine it happening and in many ways that is the same, if you're schizo and totally believe you are flying around the sky when you're actually in a straitjacket in a padded cell... That is real too. But it isn't real in these confines that we are in as what is considered to be sane humans

Nihilism then, for it to be true in its ultimate and only meaningful form requires plurality to be equally ultimately divided, which is a funny way to conclude with how materialism leads to nihilism. If consciousness is believed to be emergent out of mere parts then reason will from there necessarily lead to nihilism, that nothingness as the disappearance of emergence is its necessary conclusion, to say that something in accordance to it must remain when itself disappears. The problem is that the parts out of which consciousness is allegedly emergent of are undivided magnitudes in consciousness, consciousness in 'being at all' or 'being in the first place' proves its eternity/infinity, for any negation of the proposition that consciousness emerges predicates it.

Shark update #3: I’m screaming my lungs out I feel like tornados that pulled me into the deep blue are being set free into the chaos of civilisations emotional black hole of nothingness “Where all emotional debris go to die and live as ghosts to get the next person” How do I protect the next person from having to go through what I went through and that I’m now finally breaking myself free from? This inception of infinity bound by insane blindness of truthful certainty How can I collide with anything but the grace of a storm, a storm that thunders raindrops of truth on the shadows that crept over my insides and turned me over body ten ft already in the ground while my ghost lived my life observing myself live out my experiences? This feels like destiny, a fete of intersecting paths to align shadows of chaos with the chaos that frees while separating me from the trees of halloween and having me fall finally from the tree of life and land in the hand of the being of creativity This has been my magnum opus for some years now, too mental though, like a stray dog paranoid about new owners trying to make the world on his own, god finally listens while releasing him from his tormentors and unites him with the truth of his expression, just as life wants to do it My lungs… have fallen out and now my heart no longer needs them shadows of Grey Hairs, mum… dad… goodbye and hello… life… this is my emotional life now knocking on your door.. Entering the kingdom of heaven called life… through wisdom of love and a love of wisdom…

The universe is knowable. Completely. Theories and concepts are smaller than the universe. There will never be a theory encompassing the whole Existence, except if you would call the whole Existence a "theory." Best toe I know: Reality is One Infinite Singularity that is fundamenally identical to nothingness. Nothingness has no limits and is therefore infinite. This nothingness / infinity is one unified thing and can only create the illusion of separation but never be actually seperated. It creates this illusion because through this illusion many beautiful experiences become possible, like sharing love with an "other."

What do you think a soul is? If you try to find a thing inside of you anywhere, that you can call your soul, you never will. You can only be it, never find it. Because what you are is essentially literally nothing at all, and it's kinda easy to show... And if you think a soul is "your" consciousness then it's topsy turvy, because you have never had consciousness, nothing and nobody has. It's the literal nothingness you are inside. You are in it. There is nothing in you.

Hallucinations, probably. You can't actually be an eternal being if you have a beginning. So if you are born at a certain point in time, and only from then live eternally in one direction, you're always measurably finite even as the number of years becomes uncountable. Which is what all the heaven BS is all about with all these loved one's spirits. You were never born. Your life didn't begin and doesn't end, meaning, your life didn't begin when you were born. This entire character and life is inside literally nothing, and that nothing, as you would expect of nothingness, doesn't have any start point or end point. I think all these NDEs, astral projection etc, I think it's just hallucinations.

I had a particular type of dream that is in a similar fashion to yours, when I was a kid. I believe it was a recurring dream or that I had glimpses of it or something like that. The dream consisted of a big steamroller wheel made of some sort of stone.And this wheel was floating in a white endless space. This wheel turned so slow, that it almost didn't move, but I knew it was moving because the slowness of this wheel was what I felt as dreadfuly slow for me to even watch. And infront of this wheel, was generations and generations of human civilization, that was eventually going to get crushed in a painfully slow, and inevitable way by this wheel. This wheel as I understood it as a kid, represented eternity. All that was and ever will remain, was this slow turning wheel in infinite white space and nothing more. It was the begining, the end, and beyond time itself. I woke up in existential terror from this dream, and I could not shake off the feeling of it being just a dream because the message felt like a deep realization rather than a silly fantasy, and this dream wasn't like any other dream I have had prior to this one either despite other dreams being more vivid and all. I think I also feared this wheel, beacause when it appeared, there was no possible interaction with it. It was a slow grinding wheel in empty white space. Any concept or thought or even time itself, was part of what was going to be grinded slowly into nothingness and remain like this forever. It's impossible to describe the absence of time, but that eternal emptiness was what I was felt in that dream.

@MrTouchdown read the first link I posted in your other thread, non-existence and nothingness are the same thing. It's up to you to decide or figure out what you think "exist" means. It's a primary word or thing of which there is no other likeness to compare it to since existence is seemingly all there is. I could maybe say "exist" means "to be" but that's just more descriptions. It could mean "X is so" or "X is true" People can equate "truth" with "what exists". "A is true" also means "A is so", "A exists". It's in the domain of common sense to most people, what exist means. So you're questioning that common sense? If you're questioning that common sense, you must have more thoughts to say on the matter or some confusion/not-knowing which can be more precisely articulated

@MrTouchdown I've thought a bit about non-existence recently. I basically equate nothingness and non-existence, in what I was doing here. I basically feel myself to be in some boundary between existence and non-existence, and tortured for it -- There's also this interesting quote I came across saying that evil is neither a being nor a good (relation to "non-existence") "evil doesn't exist, but it's precisely its nonexistence that makes it evil" A very interesting idea for evil, I can tell something's there (,as it fuses with my lucid dream thoughts and unconscious thoughts about black holes) But on personal level, I just think this world is evil in nature intrinsically (and I made the mistake of internalising that evil) https://nobulart.com/the-ai-vampire/ https://nobulart.com/the-parasitic-infection/ -- One thing you might intuitively consider then maybe is "actual things" vs "virtual/non-existent things", if say you wanted to navigate the world and found some things to be more real and truthful than other things. Virtual entities being phantoms and illusions which are empty.

Yesterday I had a LSD trip, roughly 150ug. I've done around 15 trips in the past and this one has been by far the most profound experience I have had. The come up was quite nice, relaxing and I felt my consciousness level rising. I slowly became more and more aware with each hour, I felt present and I felt free. Yet, there was this lingering thought: there's something I can't quite grasp. What is it? Who Am I? I had this thought in my head like some puzzle, trying to figure out, like one simple question: WHO AM I? Would solve all my problems. And then I sat down, crossed my legs, and began meditating. In an instant, I felt absorbed in the nothingness, "I" was there, but "I" was also everywhere. I could feel my body, but I could also feel like I am the whole room. The sounds around me became extremely clear and I could hear every single voice or movement around me. And then this sudden feeling of pure freedom arose. I was completely empty, I was no one. My mind was completely free, I felt purified. I felt like I have finally awoken. For the next time period (very hard to grasp time on LSD) I was just laying there, crying and laughing. It was all so simple. It was all so pure. Pure beauty everywhere. I also felt energy pulsating through my whole body, shaking in random body parts of mine. The remainder of my trip was quite nice, I went outside, and It was hard for me to grasp this "new" reality I am in. Everything was just so vibrant, so alive, in completely different colors. I was sure I had my first enlightement experience, but I am afraid to put some sort of label on it and then "fool myself". I read that once you have your enlightenment experience, there's no way to mistake it for something else. Yet my ego is now backlashing hard and telling me, that it's all just fake and I am simply coming down. So which one is it?

Tier 2 transcends and includes all of the Tier 1 stages. Survival is a prerequisite for existing in a finite human form. When you cease surviving, you no longer have a spiral dynamics stage, you simply merge into Nothingness/Infinity

After 500-1000 ketamine experiences, in light of Leos last blog, here are some messages over the years I had written down after my trips, maybe they resonate with you: Ethereal fabric substance of nothingness creating somethingness, thisness, as this out of an infinite number of infinite choices is the only thing worth creating, every moment is infinitely precious Pulling away reality piece by piece: as you pulled away the last piece, you will realize reality was telling you the same message every single time you pulled away the piece, but it took until there were no more pieces left, for you to finally confront the message God is the only possible author that wrote the only script that could be possibly written, by the only protagonist that could only ever had been cast, expressed infinitesimally precise in the only way it could have been told; by you As you come to understand, youll begin to understand theres only you that could possibly understand it Reality is so complex, no matter how much you understand, you are always infinitely far from understand its complexity, until you do understand, and in that moment there was never anything to understand

the suffering is not that bad. it is a small price to bring together the work of art, the perfect tapestry. the wonder of the matter, its intricate genius, goes far beyond what a human mind can grasp. out of empty nothingness arises a dance that starts out simple and blends into this explosion of unimaginable beauty and genius that it is right now. God himself marvels at the wonder of his genius. each of your thoughts is sublime art. every breath, every blade of grass, every exhaust pipe spewing shit, every industrial pig slaughterhouse. hallelujah to the glory of existence. Perfect, bright , glorious, overflowing with pure love

@Galyna Well it is not, the means by which we represent them are constructs, but they are definitely not constructs themselves. I have argued this extensively in a post titled "most things are imagined". There are things that may come and go when other things remains, and are also a combination of various things taken into one identity, only such things I call constructs. Not only is both Time and Space there always when something else in particular, say a sound, touch or a thought is had but there latter things are contingent on the former. Time and Space is of the mind, and ever present given the presence of something particular in mind, these are often called appearances. We who are conscious are not seeing how we are created, necessarily, for then nothing could take in its output. I am sure this will not be accepted easily, but it is obvious. If we could see that we were created then we would be whatever created us, or whatever of which we are composed, if we are at all created and if we are at all composed. Nothingness is a construct however, and this construct is definitely important for anything to make sense. It has a better term, "negation". It is not actually nothing, instead it is the imagination of a thing and the unimaginative of the same thing, which is what negation means. You may also argue retrospectively that nothing is the absence of an appearance or a magnitude in consciousness, but this is what I call emptiness and actually not at all nothing.

Everything doesn't arise from nothing. Everything IS Nothing. Now, you can awaken to different facets at a different times. You can realize Nothingness but then realize Nothing and Everything are identical in different awakenings. But this is still enlightenment and it is not a process. Awakening/enlightenment is a state of Infinite Consciousness which is not limited to a logical system or process - it is direct.

@Inliytened1 What? Ofc not. I am nothing, Literally. I do not get phenomenon how from this nothingness arises everything. Awakening is a process when you can find that "space" a "silent observer", yes. I found it many years ago. Is it enlightenment, ofc not.

I would say that time and space is a mental construct, yes, quality of consciousness to reflect upon itself. Who are you calling "we"? Isn't nothingness serves as a "ground" for everything?

@Galyna We think that it created us because we can impose our pure empty awareness into memories of our past, this is the reason we identify with who we were in our representation of the past in memory. The idea that we were created prior to our presence (now) is not made merely out of the parts which comprises this idea at presence, if that composition of elements were enough then we could push ourself back to some initial condition out of which we were created, to return at will at any moment. That these elements are not enough to create us does not mean they were not essential for us to be created, we are retrospectively analyzing the idea of our house, our family, our friends, (the empirical condition for these things, touch, smell, sight) our sensibility of shape, space etc. In doing this we see subsistent and essential elements of our existence, without these we would not be at this place we are now with these extremely peculiar characteristics, it feels like we are precisely were we are supposed to be because its disjunction or alternative to being where we are is synthetic or additive by means of it. This creation does not imply time, instead time is essential to the idea of the creation, the implication goes the other way around. Time is necessarily implicated in consciousness, as is space. I am not saying that we are in any way seeing how we were created, but we are analyzing its ingredients. We are capable of saying what our creation must necessarily have, without saying how it is done. I do not think it makes sense to conclude regarding how we are created for the same reason we do not know what it is like (or what it means) to be independent of us, such as materialists considers a stone to be independent of us or theists considers god to be independent of us. I do not think there has been an absolute creation if you were asking that, for I consider nothingness to be impossible (this I actually know) and emptiness to be a mutual contingency to whatever fills it.

A meta-contrast theory of reality Once you die, you'll be in a state of non-existence where there is no time, and neither is there the experience of a black screen. Since being a black-screen is still a conscious experience. In the total absence of experience "what would happen next?". I would suppose that in that total stasis, the only contrast to that nothingness would be experience again, maybe as another fleeting blip or as another type of existence . When in non-existence, we could say there are two possibilities. Either non-existence just "remains", or a contrast from non-existence will happen. If we suppose that there exists a situation where the contrast "doesn't happen" (I.e. death is final), that's not a situation at all or experience at all. Therefore the only thing that can happen is a contrast, and something will happen. Which would imply that after your death, you would end up dreaming something else as a contrast. We can reduce the question of what happens "after" your death to the question of whether a contrast will happen or not. But since the situation of non-contrast isn't a situation at all, I'm suggesting that the only thing which can happen is contrast. -- "The Big Bang" can similarly be thought of as a contrast to nothingness that happened (as "contrast" is the only possible situation) We could make a meta-contrast theory of reality. By this theory, there exist an arbitrarily infinite number of (contrasts to nothingness)/universes. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Notes: No distinction or postulation is made about the nature of the contrasts, that they are following some law or sense, or that they are contained in any way. In a sense, this is absolute infinity. The most mathematically unconstrained infinity you can think of is represented by "arbitrariness". Arbitrariness is the key feature here. Whether the "The Big Bang", as a physical event that physicists are postulating as the start of our universe, is true or not, is besides the point. The Big Bang is merely a cosmological story of creation we have, and this theory of contrasts includes that. Another thing to note is that the question of "how is there something rather than nothing" is answered by an argument which is saying "it's the only thing which is possible". By saying a contrast is the only thing which can happen, since non-contrast isn't a thing which can happen, etc etc -- Despite the argument given, I still have no reason to think non-existence or nothingness isn't possible. Even if there is a something going on here right now, it is completely valid to say there is a nothing going on in the background here. If you say there isn't a nothing going on the background here, you'd have to posit some quality about nothingness which isn't present. But nothingness is the exact thing and term for a thing which has no quality which can be negated

Hello everyone, <3 I’m writing this post because for the last month, I have been slipping in and out of full-on panic and crisis mode. This is the most challenging and disorienting time of my entire life. And I have come closer to wanting to just end all my suffering at once than I ever thought would be possible. My hopes are that some of you might give me some pointers, some understanding, some advice, some help, that might help me with a gentle transition out of this phase, into the light again. Because I’m trying my best to choose faith, and to see all of this as a birthing process, rather than the path’s dire end. Even though it feels like that most of the time. There is a bushfire raging in my psyche and burning down my sense of reality and identity, and my guess is that this has been sparked by a very disturbing LSD-Trip three months ago. There, I literally felt that I had to die, that I had to go, that there was no other way, for hours and hours, even long after I should have been sobered again. The symptoms that I’m now experiencing didn’t start right after that trip, because in the two months after it life (and reality) resumed more or less as always. However, I think that it must have something to do with that, but more details on this trip later. I’ll jump right in with describing what I’ve been experiencing over the last month, with the attempt to give you a raw description, without already putting any labels or interpretations on it. I'm not exactly very steeped in the whole non-duality thing, just watched a few videos here and there, and I don't want to throw around with any dangerous half-knowledge Here are some situations that I’ve experienced, clustered into, well, ahem, “problems”: I don’t exist - I’m randomly looking at a photo of mine. I think: “Hmm, so that’s me.” --> “Aaah no, that’s not me, that’s just the surface of my body! But then nobody can actually see ME! Noone can ever really make contact with me! I am forever completely alone!” --> panic - I’m feeling anxious and I’m trying to make contact with my inner child to calm it down, something that I’ve worked with for a few years. In my imagination, I as my adult self say: “I’m there. I’m there. And I won’t go away.”, and try to take it into my arms. à My Inner child screams angrily: “But you don’t exist!! You don’t exist!!” --> I don’t know what to answer to that, because I’ve realized that the image of my adult self is actually just a thought --> panic - I’m playing the guitar, and I enter into a flow state. At some point I realize with happiness: “Wow, everything’s flowing and moving on its own!” --> “Aaaargh, everything is happening on it’s own! I’m not there! I don’t exist! I can’t do anything!” --> panic - I realize that all my thoughts, all the images, everything in my mind is just arising on its own, and that I actually have NO influence whatsoever over it --> “But then I myself cannot speak! I am mute! I can’t do anything!! I’m not there!” --> panic Everything is an Illusion - I’m sitting at the kitchen table, head in my hands. A friend of mine gently rests his arm on my shoulder to console me. --> I realize the image in my mind of him sitting there, my internal representation of him, as being just a thought, and not reality. I realize that the sensation of his arm on my shoulders is just sensory data that is arising in consciousness. I realize that the feeling of comfort and connection that I feel is just fabricated out of these inputs. --> I am getting the feeling of being absolutely, terribly alone, that my friend isn’t actually there, that he exists only in my mind --> panic. - Even when I turn around to look at him, I start to question whether he’s really THERE, or whether I’m just receiving an image, sitting behind a screen, where I’m actually terribly alone. - I sometimes feel like I’m not INSIDE reality, or in contact with it, but that I’m looking out from a place behind the screen of my eyes, like I’m not in real contact with anything that’s happening, that nothing can really reach ME, that I’m trapped in a dark and utterly lonely place forever, looking out at a screen. - I sometimes question whether anything / anyone besides the things I’m directly experiencing right now actually exist. If I remind myself of my friends, if I remind myself of my flat mate being in the room next to me, then those are just thoughts, and images, and the feelings of safety and connection that arise are also just fabrications of my mind that follows the images. --> I feel like no one but me exists, I’m terribly alone Noone can truly love ME - Someone says to me lovingly something like: “Oh Jonas, I love you, man! It’s so nice to spend time with you, you’re so (…)” --> I remember that I haven’t done anything for my good qualities, my humor, my intelligence, my looks, my way of being, that I don’t have free will, that I didn’t contribute anything to that. That nothing of the things that people love me for is really ME. Neither my body, nor my thoughts, nor my actions --> “Aah, but then no one really, truly loves ME, everyone is just loving these surface traits that are not really me, Noone can really see ME, no one can really love ME!” --> “I can never be truly seen, I can never be truly loved”--> Panic Nothing has any meaning - I try to console myself in all my panic and pain, by reminding myself: “Everything here is nothing but thoughts and feelings that are arising, that’s all. I can just watch all of that.” --> a moment of relief --> “Aaah, but if everything is nothing but thoughts and feelings, then where is the problem with people suffering? Then it doesn’t really matter if I help people or not! Then it doesn’t matter to try and increase the good in the world! --> Then nothing matters!! I have to go, I have to die - I spend time talking to a friend, I don’t really feel seen, I don’t really feel connected with him, I feel like I’m constantly projecting an inauthentic persona, I don’t really feel “here” --> a feeling of inescapable doom, of resignation, of hopelessness fills my body, It feels like “It is of no use. There is no other way. I have to go. I have to say goodbye. I have to die.” --> (this is the same feeling that I had at the end of my LSD-Trip) As mentioned above, one important event that might have contributed to this situation was a solo trip on 100mg LSD that I had three months ago. To make a long story rather short: At some point, a few hours into the trip (which started off with me accidentally falling asleep on my couch and being really disoriented and disturbed when waking up), I experienced the voice in my head, or “myself”, as being trapped telling a story to the outside world. When I walked around my room, feeling panic rising in my body, my inner voice would say: “And I was walking around my room, trying not to panic, and I didn’t know what to do.” Once I then noticed that the voice in my head was acting like a podcast guest, it went: “And somehow, all I could do was to act like someone telling a story on a podcast”. When I then noticed that, and was pretty confused, it went: “And it was really confusing, because it just didn’t stop! That voice kept going on and on.” Et cetera et cetera. This went on for hours and hours, during which I desperately tried to “find myself”, to “turn around”, to “make contact with myself” again, but it all was of no use, like a hand trying to grasp itself. Eventually, I ended up in a state of deep resignation. I sat down with my head in my hands, feeling like I was completely utterly alone, like there was nothing I could do. (And all the while my narrator goes: “And I was sitting there, head in my hands, and I really didn’t know what to do.” Aaaahhhh!!). I sunk deeper and deeper into this feeling of hopelessness, of absolute futility, and it felt like there was a part in me that was really upset, saying things like: “Well I’m sorry Jonas, but I really have to say goodbye.” “Something HAS to change.” “This CAN NOT go on like this!” “I have to go!”. When, 8 hours after ingestion, I felt like I was finally coming down a little, I tried to just “walk it out”, I walked up and down my room, counting my breaths, trying to stay afloat. There was no strength left in me to surrender to anything anymore. Eventually, 10 hours after ingestion, I called a friend to just let him keep talking to me, and I felt a little more relaxed. We talked for three hours, but, dear god, this visceral feeling of “I have to go”, “I have to say goodbye”, “there is no other way”, kept coming back up, and was even getting stronger and stronger. It felt like there was a wise, loving, smiling, higher part of me that was gently taking my hand, wanting to lead me away into nowhere, into nothingness, saying “It is time. Come, my dear. We have to go.” My entire body was filled with the feeling that I, or that something in me, HAD to die, HAD to go, and that there was absolutely way around it. It felt like nothing could possibly keep me here in this reality, not even my friend on the phone. Eventually, I hung up with the words “Thank you, but the rest I will have to do alone”. When an hour later, 4 hours after I should have been sobered again, this feeling still persisted, I texted “I love you” to my mother, father, and sister. I wrote a goodbye letter. I looked at my own picture and said goodbye. I was so tired, but I didn’t want to go to bed and fall asleep, because It felt like I would be carried away by the strong, deep, dark current of a river, like I would either wake up the next day permanently crazy, or not wake up at all. Eventually, about 6 hours after I should have been sobered, the feeling subsided a little. I realized “Okay. I think I do not have to die. Let’s just go to bed, and hope that it will all be over tomorrow.” Well then, surprise, and praise the Lord, I did wake up the next morning, and I was not permanently crazy. (At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself). There were still remains of the “I have to go”-feeling, and of panic inside my body, but over the course of the next two days it slowly went away. Now. uring the last two weeks, on two evenings, that feeling returned. I experienced a very similar feeling of inescapable hopelessness, of having to say goodbye to the world, of there being no other possible way than me dying. My body is filled with the feeling of an approaching end, everything feels like “there’s no escape, I have to go, it is of no use”. I have been able to distance myself a little more from the part of me that feels like that, so last time it happened I could kind of just watch it, let it be there, and then just get up and make myself pasta anyway. But still, every moment now is filled with a subtle feeling of despair, and meaninglessness, something like: “I’m drifting away, I’m lost in a bad dream and I can’t wake up, I don’t understand anything, there is nothing to cling to, everything has always been just a bad joke.” Perhaps someone of you can give me a few helpful comments on what I’m experiencing. Maybe a few pointers in the right direction, what I could do, or not do, in order to go through this as peacefully and gently as possible, and avoid any further major breakdowns. (I’ve really had enough of these, thank you Mr. Universe, I’m full!) Like, should I just wait and try to resume with life “as usual? Should I retreat into a mountain cave and meditate? Should I try to "allow" that part of me to die when the feeling comes back again? Is there something else that can help me? I love you, even though I’m not quite sure anymore what that means, Jonas (whoever that is)

Notice, it has been the case all your life, you have not noticed this, what has changed, really? You came to a realization. That is a hard core, some people said they needed to learn again how to walk after non-dual experience. Yep, I do realize this quite often too. When I feel this way, next realization is : "no worries, there is no "I" either. You are no more real as he is. Pure imagination of the mind.. Yup, been there too, but if you remove "I", can void/nothingness be really alone this is the bitter pill to swallow for me too, ego hates it because it has been dreaming about soul mate and here we go: there is no other.... Love does! Mind talks....who has to die, nothingness? How? It seems like you still believe in the control if you resist to what is in the moment. But yeah, good luck....it will soak in eventually. Just keep watching the movie on the screen, the flow will take your body where it should be. You are not a hero, as you have discovered, keep watching....

You somehow realize that beliefs are always though in various ways empty, that they are a minimal effort of survival. That pretty much nothing is the way it seems, and ultimately in no particular way at all, therefore. That equations are equivocations, and that substance/attribute theory is the closest you get to a consistent meta-model of mind, that instead of adding things together you subtract things from necessary unity, such that instead of saying 0.5+0.5=1 you end up only saying that without a whole there are no halves, and that everything of consciousness (say a duck) is thereby a fraction of it, and that without the duck there would non the less be something whole. To say that the duck is an accident of what it inheres in, or to which it is subsistent. You also realize that thoughts subsist, even though they are synthetic and pure imagination. Synthetic subsistence implies consciousness as an absolute, and so to what you are asking I answer that the ultimate goal of mind is to find the essential subsistent attributes of the substance consciousness, if you can. Time, Space, Causality, Empirical intuition, Will and Pure analytic mathematics/logic seems all to be THE essence of consciousness, none of which are mere representations of it but actually it. The best theory on how these essential ingredients are combined will also be the best way trough which to think, though it must always be understood that we retrospectively combine them imperfectly, and are therefore building a philosophical architecture instead of speaking absolute truth. This combination is a representation of something mystical, this architecture is a representation of something beyond ourself, I think. I also think that this rationalism is a cosmological and absolute necessity, an essence of existence itself. This which is beyond ourself are typically recognized by various people and doctrines from Purple to Turquoise as God, Synthetic A Priori, Subconscious, Nothingness, Oblivion, Death, Unconscious, Materiality, Truth, Heaven, The thing in itself, "contents" of intuition, Noumena, absolute will or "something from nothing". Edit: And by the skeptics in general this which is beyond ourself are recognized as a manifold of imagined material possibility, how they go about projecting themselves into the world they are supposedly skeptical of as a foundation for its possibilities is the biggest hoax and I would argue the most extreme case of mental gymnastics recorded in history. Don't be a skeptic, though learn everything you can from them.

Given that something takes the form it needs to since nothing more than necessary takes form. And that every form takes a certain direction and that direction is defined by the form. How then can necessary forms be accidents to the ultimate direction, if not by a will that is dual to them both? And so without no will neither comes intention, to which then we would be a necessary accident, so then we are an extreme kind of absolute being. So then our lives are an end in itself and this actually all there will be to us. So then there is an emptiness lacking in the cosmological scale we are every day ruining by at all being, and so my existential question then is regarding this to which we are an opposite and seemingly emergent of: what is it in itself and what is the absolute variation of things that can become its opposite, and so regarding these how alone are we in our universe? It really should not be possible that we are at all, given this I take it that there will always be something and that what seems like nothingness is actually a positive notion, a negation on top of a thing. Well then the will is emergent and imposed in its power by that which it is emergent of so to be by some plain love radically reduced in its power to do harm, and so then of what else than perfection are we? Extreme diversity, minimal effort.