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@EnlightenmentBlog I know that the you and the I is the ego. I understand what you're trying to tell me, but I reject and don't want that future state, because future is the barrier to my being enlightened. There's no such thing as enlightenment, you are already enlightened. I believe that what reincarnation really means is that you become enlightened, have an enlightenment experience, whether it's a passing moment washing dishes or an intense out of body experience, then fall back into thought again, process the experience, remember the experience, remember that you have to do the laundry and pay bills. An enlightened person can choose to think, and chooses thoughts that serve them in life and then they can choose not to think and enter presence. I have to have a "me" and have beliefs about reality in order to function and live my life. When they cause me to suffer I question them. When I want to be present and experience reality fully, I can forget them. They don't exist in that moment. The problem with many on this path is that they "wake up" out of presence and see the dirty dishes and identify with the them and the dishes being separate and they say, "oh my God, I did it again, I fell off the ox, I'm not enlightened". What that is is adding one more layer of separation and ego than was already there before! The only thing perpetuating that is the belief of future and expectation of a future state that doesn't even exist for anyone! I have no interest in permanently dying or killing myself before I die. I have an interest in playing the game when it serves me, detaching from it as much as I possibly can and enjoying the forms and things life gives me because I know the only way you can ever enjoy anything is by knowing that they can never fulfill you and aren't even real. I enjoy my perceptions. My perceptions are God too. I've already done this, I've been through it. I threw my ego in the trash and said, "we're done you and me." And then I started acting in ways that I conceptually thought a ego free person should act. I wasn't allowed to want anything, wasn't supposed to get too caught up in enjoying things. I still had plenty of negative thoughts though. I don't need to do anything or believe anything at all to evolve, my life is my path. Realizations are coming on their own everyday. I love this dream of form. it's all pretend, the other people I talk to and relate with are just a part of me, a mirror of me. But I love them and enjoy our interactions. The dream, the illusion the ego, the self the I is just this layer or veil of beauty. The mystery and not knowing what's all underneath or what may unfold is the fun in life. Life is a lot more fun when you stop creating a duality between your true self and ego. Just enjoy the moment. That's all that's here for you. That's the true meaning of dying to self. Don't you see you're seeking your self in the future?

I have never understood how people can lecture others about what happens after you die, for example, in regards to reincarnation, when they haven't died and reincarnated. Given that you lose your memory if that indeed happens. All my path ive been told by "superior" people that X happens, and they refer you to teachings, but even these teachings don't seem to have any actual proof either. A guy called Dan Ingram speaks "factually" that it is impossible for someone to reach Buddhahood and stay alive for longer than 6 days. Where does he get this information from? And why did the Buddha last longer than 6 days at Buddhahood level? The other thing that has never made sense to me is how you can "dissolve into Consciousness" when you die, then shortly after you "reincarnate" but sometimes with your old memories of "you" in previous lifetimes. Well how is it "you" if you got dissolved into Consciousness? You can't dissolve penicillin into water then go and pick out penicillin with your left fingers and pick out water without penicillin in it in your right fingers...it's dissolved!!

23rd january 2019 Recently I’ve been having some days where old fears have been started to resurface. Mainly the fear of that things would have to get worse for me; the recognition, or rather, assumption, that I would have to face some kind of death that would be really painful involving a lot of psychological suffering. I want to let go of this belief. That is to say: I want to let go of identifying myself with these thought patterns. It is not about positive thinking or thinking the opposite, it is just seeing thoughts as thoughts, and not having any mental involvement or attachment in thoughts that are aimed towards the future. To counteract this, I have found myself saying to myself over and over again: “I don’t have have to believe this, I don’t have to believe this”. This is not a denial of anything that could potentially happen, but rather a recognition of the fact that I create my own reality with my thought patterns, and that I can choose to break out of that. But know this: I wasn’t repeating that mantra to myself because it is some kind of philosophy I wanted to believe in. I didn’t feel like this mantra came from the mind, but from something deeper within. And I want to make it stay that way. I’m not interested in what it means intellectually or philosophically to say such a thing: “I don’t have to believe this”. Whatever the future may hold, is in a sense irrelevant because future exists only as a thought but not as a reality in experience. For whatever power I do have over the future, if we can speak that way, is how I create the reality in the present moment that would lead me into the future. For the rest, whatever happens in the future, happens. It could contain no more significant “(ego) deaths” or “dark night of the soul”, or it could contain a lot of them. I could get very identified with those deaths and resist them a lot, thus creating a lot of psychological tension and suffering, or I could watch them aloof being connected with a reality that is deeper then whatever kind of chaos can occur on the surface, making me stay connected with a sense of peace all the way throughout even in the midst of chaos on the surface level of my life. It can go every way. What I however absolutely refuse to keep on doing is fearing those moments already when they’re not even happening. I refuse to believe in such a story that would evoke some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I refuse that to be my self-created reality. I will own up and take responsibility for whatever power I do have, and all that I can’t control I will let go of it, certainly to the best of my ability. If I have a choice, and I really do feel deep down like I have a choice, I will not choose a reality for myself in which I will choose despair and anxiety. I refuse to believe the idea that “I have to suffer”. I refuse to enjoy such a identity on any possible level. Do you get the reality of which I’m pointing to? Do not try to make it intellectual. This is not a philosophy. I’n not interested in sounding philosophically correct here. I don’t want to speak from my mind only. Enough thoughts. Yesterday, alongside stopping the momentum of the “despairing” thought loop, I also thought about those things I actually really factually know. You see, for some time now I’ve been giving myself a hard time for not being able to eat with attention to the eating process. I tend to get rather, unconscious I’d say. But I notice that trying to be more aware actually just creates more tension here. Yesterday, I started to question whether I really do know what’s best here. There are some assumptions in my system, and even though I often say to myself “I don’t know”, the assumptions in reality stay more deeply embedded in my system. And I know that saying to myself that I don’t know, is in reality just another assumption. It’s the assuming that you don’t know, to know that you don’t know, but in reality I don’t even know that. So I wanted to address current assumptions that are in my system, even though having assumptions may not be in accordance to my philosophy. Because they go deeper. I must actually really, REALLY question my assumptions and really, REALLY be open to the fact that I could be wrong, however likely or natural it may seem to assume some things. I want to however stress that the intention should be aimed at uncovering the truth, not adopting a belief of not-knowing. May it somehow be that an assumption I already had turns out to be... assumable still (whatever that means), then I will go along with it. It should not be an inquiry against my assumptions, but in favor of the truth. Lets in fact also be aware of other assumptions I would make when questioning my original assumptions. So yesterday I just wrote down a number of assumptions I had more deeply embedded, or that I was living by. Let’s address the first one It is better to be always aware, conscious, or alert when you’re doing something? So I this one plays up particulary with eating for some reason. And also with sexual desires. Now I want to really, REALLY question this. I understand already that forcing it won’t make things any better, but there is still the assumption that it should be happening otherwise things aren’t going the right way. The thought is: “Right, maybe I can’t force it, but it should at least be something that is happening, otherwise I’m not going the right way.”. That is the general idea about it, that at least if I’m not “attempting to make it happen” or “doing it”, then that at the very least being mindful should be happening. It is wrong to not be mindful. That is the general assumption. Now let’s actually really, really doubt this one. First lets look at it factually. Do I enjoy things more if I’m mindful, is there a sense of more lightness or enjoyment, or simply (greater) lack of suffering? Sometimes yes. I can recall that sometimes I enjoyed food more, or intentionally focusing on something decreased the disturbing mental traffic. There were sometimes it happened, where I was seemingly randomly present to the moment, and there were sometimes when I was consciously controlling it, and I also have found myself in moments where it at least decreased a disturbing mental traffic. There is also a side, however, where, often after having been able to practice mindfulness/presence meditations succesfully, there comes a time when the suggestion to be mindful doesn’t really work for me anymore. It just creates resistance and more tension. I tend to remember and cling to the moments where it had been working for me, only to find out that it now just evokes a lot of resistance. And every time I do recall the suggestion that “I should be present”, it just creates guilt and tension, and instead of my mind becoming more still it becomes more disturbed and I start becoming confused, because something that worked before doesn’t work anymore now but somehow I can’t let it go and now I’m starting to wonder how I’m supposed to be dealing with it then, even though most of the time I don’t really take a significant proactive step to really reflect upon the situation or to change things around, or simply to fully accept my situation. In fact, often doubts oscillate between the suggestion whether to accept, whether to attempt, or whether to reflect. So doubts and resistance certainly prevent me rather often from being present to the moment, but the main question really is: Is it really even “better” to be more aware, mindful and present to the moment? Is it truly a virtue? First, lets evaluate where I got this idea from, that it would be “better” to be constantly mindful. I took it mostly from spiritual teachers, I suppose. For instance, “the power of now”, from Eckhart Tolle, leaves and impression behind on me that I should always attempt to be mindful and present to the moment, even though there are other and even opposing perspectives to that idea in the book as well. However, this is what I remember from it, and I happen to leave out all the rest. In fact I hear it everywhere: “Be mindful, be aware”. The suggestions come from many, many sources in spirituality. But now would it be better? What does it mean for something to be better than another thing anyway? I feel like It would mean that the better thing would in the end give more pleasure to either yourself and/or the totality of humanity. “humanity” alone however is only in thought and not in personal experience of pleasure or happiness. If we talk happiness on the personal level, can we then say it is “better” if some action or event would make us happier in the total picture, in the grand scheme of things? I suppose so. So let’s define anything to be “better” to be something that will make us happier in the grand scheme of things. This also means the long term, and the forever. Some positive event that would not have its drawback or negative counterpart whatsoever. I already know that being identified with doubt and resistance that comes up when wanting to be mindful certainly then won’t make it better. But purely theorethically, if I were to be able to now simply be mindful and never encounter any resistance or doubt anymore, if was totally zen all the time from now on, would it then be “better”? But now I feel like we can reiterate the question in a broader sense: Is it better (still going by that one definition of personal happiness) for us to be enlightened (free of all psychological suffering) forever starting the next second, as opposed to first having to struggle, suffer and search some more first and enlighten ourselves in 40 years? (know that “enlightened forever” is simply here for the theorethical argument). Seemingly so. In that case, it at least appears to be better in that sense to become enlightened sooner than later. But is that really true? Now it gets a bit strange. Mathemathically speaking, it is both a yes and a no (if we assume “forever”). It is yes in the absolute sense that it would be an additional 40 years of additional suffering. In relative sense, 40 years to infinity is still literally nothing. 40 years seems much, but not in relative sense. If we assume that existence is cyclic, which perhaps seems more appealing to the logical mind. Infinity after enlightenment would seem logically and mathematically odd. Since how to draw a boundary line between enlightenment and non-enlightenment if it is at least on one end infinite? However, I am assuming only “one” enlightenment here. Perhaps we go in big cycles where once every millions of years we come to a cycle in which we break free from human incarnation, but we go at some point back again to human incarnation later. Cyclic does seem more sensical to the limited understanding of my mind, but then we could assume cycles are infinite too and then once again 40 years are of no relative significance. This all is however again under the assumption of the reincarnation and enlightenment theory. It’s really just assumption. It is also assuming that we have a choice in how fast we progress and grow, instead of being lead but us having the illusion of choice. It also assumes even that our logical systems are actually properly formatting this and that from a higher perspective it wouldn’t be all complete nonsense. I think I need to go back to the original idea. Let’s get it a bit more practical. Something I wondered was this: Can I keep the intention, the wish to be more mindful without becoming identified with the resistance, would this be... Good, virtuous, helpful? I personally feel like the very desiring, needing, wishing at such a moment itself is blocking it. I feel like there’s a need, an attachment. I feel like the very needing of me to be able to be mindful, makes me tense and unable to be mindful, present and aware. There have been times when I did have the wish and intention, but those were usually times when I felt the urge to do so on a level that went deeper than the mind alone, and because of that fact I was able to make it a doing, so to speak. But if we would say that the mind is the only “do-er”, than it wouldn’t even have been a doing. That’s actually a bit of a revelation to me, because some time ago I was thinking about what it mean to actually “do” something, and I couldn’t get to the very core of it. Now I understand, or at least understand better. The mind is the do-er. You can have the wish or intention to do something or for something to be done, but if this wish comes from a deeper place, at the same time you’re not the one “doing” it. You are not forcing it. With the mind, you are forcing it. I have noticed that sometimes you can take the same action or the same approach to something, but sometimes it comes from the mind and then it creates stress, and other times it comes from deeper within and then it’s very effective. It gets a bit more clear to me now. What I simply have to understand is that if the center of action cannot be from the mind, then no action that comes from that “wanting” will have any positive effect. Other times, your actions are moved and motivated by something deeper, and then if you follow that intuition your actions will be effective. It then is not a thought, but you simply feel moved to do it. It is really an “allowing” of the intuition to guide you at that point. That’s how I recall it. Getting more practical: This means for such a situation as eating mindfully that I just have to be aware of the fact that if the motivation to be more mindful is coming from the mind, it is never going to work. It is the mind trying to transcend the mind. If it is coming from deeper within, then it will be effective. But my soliloquy (lecture) is not complete yet. I’ve been able to determine what works and what doesn’t, I’ve also argued for an intellectual nihilism on the larger, philosophical level. But lets get down to see if it really matters in a more practical sense with, for example, eating. Is it really such a bad thing to be not paying attention to your eating processes? (this is where i didn't feel like writing anymore and I never truly continued) Friday February 8th 2019 Today I have questions I seem to have lost my capacity to appreciate any form of suffering. I fail to feel a connection to a sense of trust in life and the shapes it takes. I don’t appreciate the fact that I have to suffer. I know there’s potential for learning, but first off I don’t even understand why I would have to learn in the first place, and secondly it almost feels like I am not learning anything truly valuable at all and I just keep running into the same shit. In different forms perhaps, but it doesn’t feel like I have gotten to a place where I feel like I can actually connect with life. Much has changed over the last 6 years, and certainly I’ve gotten a greater understanding of many things. I’ve tried many things, seen things from many perspectives, been able to do a lot of things I previously wasn’t able to... But it annoys me that I still struggle from time to time. It annoys me. I lack trust. If there is not an obvious connection between something I suffered (or experienced) and a certain breakthrough, I don’t trust that that suffering was of any value. If I for instance have certain questions, but the environment that I am in at that point does not allow me to reflect and really think deeply about a certain matter, it feels to me as if it “should not be” that way. For instance, I had to wait for 8 hours (whlst working) first before I could start reflecting upon what I’m reflecting now. Then what the hell were those 8 hours good for? I not only had to wait, but I was still somewhat bothered by the confusion that lingered somewhere in the back of my mind. Then my question is: If existence were to be a perfectly orchestrated manifestation (which would be an assumption), then what is the point in this seemingly useless waiting? How can I get around the idea that some things should not be? I want to really ponder upon what, for instance, those 8 hours of working and waiting could have been good for. I’ll problably evaluate it both hypothetically and experientially. What could it have been good for, whilst it seems to have been “a procrastination of the necessary, or the better”, something that “should not have been”. Lets first take it theorethically: Theorethically, those 8 hours of discomfort and waiting could have pushed me to the point where I am now, whilst without those 8 hours of discomfort I might not have felt stressed enough to really ask these questions now, or to go as deeply into it as I do now. It might theorethically have given me enough urgency to really start going into it deeply as to without it I wouldn’t have done that, or I wouldn’t have gone so deep. It can also theorethically teach me by necessity to give up on a certain need and shut off a certain need for the time being. To not question something and be able to be patient and wait for the right time. To know that sometimes I have to practice discipline and not always do what I most feel like. That can be a useful skll. I don’t like that argument so much anymore because there is somewhere the feeling still that I am not learning and I keep running into the same things over and over again, but lets get into that as well. There is the feeling, or the fear rather, that I’m not truly learning certain skillsets such as patience or courage until I’m perhaps fully enlightened. I somehow got the idea in my head that all the things I call “learning” and developing certain skillsets is just a distraction for the ego which will keep going on until I’m ready to give it all up and drop the ego entirely. From that viewpoint, it seems like a rather negative occurence. It is an attitude of: Simply suffer it until at one point you’re simply frustrated enough and then you give it all up. The viewpoint is not that it gives you something positive but that it simply may at most burn away a little bit of ego. Given that from that viewpoint you can’t really take your suffering as something valuable, that it would “give” you something, there is a bit the attitude that the suffering is an unavoidable nuisance. It seems like nothing but a nuisance, and yes it can potentially theorethically burn away a bit of ego, but even that is more an idea (at this point) then an experiential insight. But okay we are however starting with the theorethical before we get to the experiental. I want to see how this idea of a “nuisance” can be argued around. What could not being able to reflect and suffering discomforts because I’m working learn me? What could it be good for? Well, I do learn to act and persevere even when in the flames. I am learning this now: that I can keep on acting and making moves and doing things even when I’m not feeling well. It’s developing that discipline muscle. Is it developing though? What if I already have the capacity, and it is something that I can’t train further? If you are already able to do it, then in that sense would you even be able to learn discipline from it? If you are able to do this from the first day, and then are also able to do it 6 months later, to keep on acting when in discomfort, when “wanting to do something else (like reflecting)”, have you then learned something more 6 months later as opposed to the first day? Well you can’t stay the same way for 6 months straight and keep on resisting your discomfort all the way through, is my feeling. But let’s say you actually did. Then what would you have gained from that? Longer term persistance, is the first thing that comes to mind. The ability to keep at something, to not give up on something so easily. It would be demotivating to keep on doing something the same way with the same feelings and thoughts for 6 months straight. So if you do indeed keep at it, you will certainly learn that skillset. Is longer-term persistance useful, however? Is it virtuous? Well, the question is: Can you do without would you want to completely let go? In fact, would liberation even be possible without beforehand having exerted much effort towards it? Will you be able to let go of your suffering if you haven’t even been trying so much beforehand? Or do you first have to really, really try in order to totally let go? My experience so far would be that it is the latter, because in my experience I very often can correlate letting go of something to first having tried and struggled. It’s what Adyashanti refers to as: “burning away/letting go of the personal will” And going back to my example: It certainly seems more likely that you would be able to let go or take a next necessary step on your journey if you have felt the same frustration for 6 months as opposed to the first day. WIth the first day, there is not so much pressure and urgency for it. After 6 months, it certainly seems much more likely that now you want to seek another way or path, or you want to reflect upon what you can really do. After 6 months, there certainly seems to be a lot more urgency and need for it. Can I say that was necessarily the same thing with today. Would I have not have done the reflection as deeply as I’m doing now weren’t it for those 8 hours? I really can not confirm. Perhaps I would have. Then what would those 8 hours have been good for? I still feel like the frustration from those 8 hours pushes me a little bit harder to go somewhere, to seek new horizons, then if I hadn’t experienced those 8 hours. Perhaps I would have gone as deep in my reflection in both cases (but to be honest, would I have thought about this specific example?), but I still feel like that frustration of those 8 hours will lead to something more. Perhaps that even if I would have gone as deep in my reflection, then perhaps it will want me to find a new avenue more quickly the next time I feel suffering. We could perhaps say: If I had not experienced these 8 hours today, then perhaps another day I would have needed those 8 hours to come to a point of change, whereas with my current situation I wouldn’t have needed those 8 hours on another day. Or more simply put: that a procrastination (so to speak) of today will lead me to take action more quickly on another day, as opposed to the situation where today I would’ve not waited those 8 hours. That could all be true, but what if it weren’t though? Then what could be the positive reframe here? Then perhaps it simply gives you more depth in the total picture. More ego resistance burnt away March 9th 2019 Today I pondered upon the matter of egocentrism. I tend to be quite an egocentric person, which is something I wanted to reflect upon. I first found it important not to judge it, not to wish it awat, but to have the intention to truly understand why I’m so much concerned about me, leaving very little space to be there for other people. After reflecting upon it a little bit, I came to the realization that within me I have the belief that I first have to take care of myself before I would be able to take care of others. This was a core belief I held without me really having questioned this assumption very much. The basic idea I have is that I first have to become centered, happy and peaceful myself before I would be able to mean something for others. My idea was that of a bucket overflowing: first you have to fill yourself up with water, and eventually anything you’re so full that you automatically start overflowing and sharing with others. That is, or was, the basic idea I had about what it meant to mean something for others. The idea I had that anything that had to do with caring for others would be mostly or almost completely irrelevant until I would be very centered and peaceful and then it would happen automatically. I had tried a couple of times to DO something for other people, but I never felt like it gave me any true fulfillment, so I stopped bothering about trying to help or serve other people. However, today I questioned that assumption. The assumption that you first have to be full yourself before you would start sharing with others. I wondered if taking care of others wasn’t in reality a way of taking care of yourself as well. An important note to make about that: there is a big difference about what you DO for others, and that want to BE there for others. I refer not to an action but an attitude. There can be an action coming out of the attitude, but that is not the main thing. This I also lately realized could make an important difference, the difference between doing and being. I will now use the word “Serving” as a substitute for “being there for others”. So to continue on: I was considering the possibility that serving others may serve myself as well. Yes, it’s in the end still for a good part about myself, about what I do for others would help me, but the fact that I can give myself permission to open up to a perspective I have never truly considered that much before, may already make quite a big difference. I realized that perhaps, simply giving myself permission that it is okay to serve others and why it would be okay, may potentially already evoke feelings of compassion within me. Just by giving myself permission that it is okay to feel compassion and to serve others. Just being aware that it may help myself too, may already open myself up to it. So why would serving others help me too then? Why would sharing and giving help me? Yes, I know I am still talking about serving others for my personal sense of gain, but I just can’t to seem to go about it any other way. So why would serving help me? Because my personal feeling is that it expands this contracted “me-feeling”. I feel like it would broaden my horizon; it would allow you to forget yourself and all this self-interest and egocentric desires that seem to keep me so close to myself. When I say that it “keeps me close to myself”, I mean that I can’t see past my own perspective, past my own mind. The feeling that whatever goes on in my mind and my story is more important and vital in my life than everything around me. That is kind of the sense I have most of the time. Like whatever goes on inside my head has more reality, more realness, just even as a kind of feeling or sense, than the reality that goes on outside my mind and body. And living that way, it feels rather contracted and small. If through connecting to others and serving others I can forget about this “me-sense”, I feel it would get me in that way out of my head, and I would be able to experience, in a way, a more broader, more encompassing ego. “Ego” isn’t always necessarily a no-no word. So in other words: A sense of who I am that is bigger than just the “I”. That the “me” then has expanded beyond my own mind and body. I am talking partially from experience here, and also partially from my mind, but I do feel like it has a valuable core of truth to it. So to serve others, to connect with others and to be there for others, might be able to make me feel bigger in that sense, more whole, more connected. To not serve others and to only care for and to only be concerned about myself, may correlate more to survival and may make me feel more contracted and smaller. I don’t feel like there is anything in particular that I can DO that would me more compassionate. However, If I am simply aware of that being more compassionate and connected to others is going to help me as well, then thereby it may open myself up to invoke and bring out compassion within me that I potentially already had. Perhaps permission to be compassionate and to serve or be there for others is all that I really need, perhaps it’s not so much, or maybe not at all, about what I can DO for others. So in the end, there’s maybe just one thing to remember which would be all that I need. The best way to word it I would say is this: If I can be there for others, it heals all involved (and so including myself). Looking at someone else's journal, I got inspired that I can not only write about what has been going on, but I can also potentially share video's or links that have been of interest to me. I may not do that in this post, but I do think I will do this in the future. 16th march 2019 Today I'm fighting a battle within myself that I had not anticipated on that it could take this severity. In fact, I am still fighting this battle to some degree as I am writing this text. I have a strong conflict within myself in which my sense of responsibility and my desire to follow my feelings, are strongly opposed to each other right now. The situation is as follows: I am employed by a museum, in which I am responsible for feeding and taking care of the animals. I can really do this at any given time on the day that I am scheduled on, giving me a lot of freedom to choose the moment I want to go. I do thnk they officially want me to be there in the morning, but the park is nearabout empty during the day and nobody really bats an eye if I go there later. But now, for whatever reason I started to resent going there. However, my employers seem to be rather tolerant people and I feel like I am given a lot of freedom. I don't know exactly why I am resenting it. What I do know is that there is a part in me that strongly voices that I can take it easy, go at any time I want, and it also says that even if I weren't to feed the animals, this would be okay too. Just take it easy, don't put pressure on yourself, and whatever happens is okay. That's one part of me. Another part of me feels really guilty about the first part, because I know many employers that don't give you this kind of freedom, that put way more pressure on you, and because they put more pressure on me and keep a closer eye on me, I do tend to do a better job at that kind of work. Not that I like it that way, but in a way it does seem more effective, at least on the shorter term. So because my employers at the museum seem rather kind and tolerant, I feel even more responsible to do a good job and do what I am told to do. I don't want to be lazy, to slack, to be irresponsible, but at the same time I really don't like putting this pressure on myself that I have act. For instance, when I delay my departure to the museum on the day that I'm supposed to work, one part of me says: "It's okay to take it easy. As long as feeding the animals gets done today. You don't want to be so harsh on yourself, so why not just take it easy and go whenever you feel like going? You can do stuff you like to do first before you go, if you prefer that". But another part of me feels responsible, and feels that I am simply unneccesarily procrastinating. It feels guilty about any minute that I am delaying me going to the museum. Whereas jobs where you have to be at a specific spot at a specific time, I am much more able to handle that, because there's not this grey area whether you're supposed to go or not. I do not always like going to these places that I have to be at at a particular point in time, and often I do prefer to do something else that day, but at least the fact that you are expected at a particular time makes it very clear about what you need to do. And this very conflict about "should I go or should I not go? Should I even try it all this day or should I not?" Makes me drain of my energy and motivation to go there in the first place, additionally to the fact that one part of me is saying that "I shouldn't leave out of guilt". And in this way I found myself both yesterday and today (both days that I need to work), bedridden with inner conflict and guilt. I had the excuse that I was "processing it", and that (one part of me said that) I didn't really feel able to go there anyway whilst I was processing, but maybe it isn't even processing but just incapacitation. It just leaves me in a situation where I am torn between two parts of myself. One that feels very responsible, which says: "Just don't be lazy, don't make this thing such a big deal and just do the damn thing, you crybaby", and another one that doesn't want to be pressured, or feel forced to, to do anything at all. That doesn't want to act blindly and create unneccessary tension within myself by forcing it. That is my inner conflict right now. And in fact, I am writing this entry in my journal "as I am supposed to go", as I am still supposed to work there today. It makes the question also: should I first inquire more deeply about what is going on here, or should i just go to get it over with and get the pressure of my chest, so after I have done it I do at least have the breathing space to more properly reflect. I notice that even though I haven't gone yet, and even though there's still a bit of guilt right now, I am able to reflect well enough upon what's going on. So I feel I better continue anyways. Let's just make this agreement with myself: Don't go there until you are decisive and less conflicted about what you want to do, how you want to do it, and what your attitude about it is going to be. I know that if I go there now and this confusion has remained unresolved, it will keep eating on me and probably ultimately leave me uncapacitated to do my job there. Let's forget everything right now and just type. So, Let's continue. Yesterday I was also supposed to work there and feed the animals, and ultimately I did about 30% of what I was supposed to do there. I had the same confusions as I have today. I did however feel like yesterday there was more energetic processing that had a greater priority, as opposed to today. Yesterday I took a reflective walk and decided to go the route of detachment for that day, just saying to myself: "It's okay. Life appears to be taking you this way. There's no need to feel guilty. Just take it easy". Repeating things of those nature to myself as a mantra. For yesterday, it seemed to more or less work for the time being. However, today, as I'm supposed to work again, the same method doesn't seem to have the same effect anymore. Again the same conflict, again the same incapacitation through the confusion and inner struggle that makes me unable to go there and do my job in the first place. This time, the attitude that I brought to the table yesterday doesn't seem to work anymore for me. The inner turmoil once again became pretty big, much bigger than I had anticipated on once again. A difference with yesterday, however, is that today there's not so much energetical resistance anymore, as I feel like I have processed much of that yesterday, but mainly a lot of confusion and inner conflict. So here I am writing and reflecting, upon how I want to deal and regard with this situation. Let's make very one thing clear from the start: In a very confused state of mind, I am incapacitated to be working in the first place. In particular if the confusion is about whether I should be working in the first place or not. Now that that is clear, we can move on. I know trying to detach myself from my work, saying "oh it's not truly that important, taking in the absolute view of the universe. everything has it's place and nothing is good or bad."; that attitude doesn't work anymore right now; whether it's true or not, or both true and untrue. It's not a paradigm that's effective right now. The guilt remains. Trying to just go there and force my way through it also doesn't work right now, or at least so I reckon, because I am unable to align myself towards doing such. There's too much resistance, or too much confusion, and maybe for the right reasons. I really doubt I would be able to align at this point as I'm writing. So what's left? Reflection and introspection is left, at least at this particular moment. In fact, I feel like the confusion, the struggle, is starting to lift... It's strange. Now that the situation is suddenly very clear to me —that neither the "everything is okay" or "just do it" paradigm really work for me right now— it leaves me with a gap. What happened? All I did was just make it clear to myself that no single strategy right now would be effective. Simply by realizing that any strategy from the mind here is a losing game, I relax.

I'll give you another perspective. One that's in a way categorically different than what I see most comments be about here. But you do have to pay close attention, because it's easily misunderstood. This is a dangerous one I'm posting here if not properly understood, and I'm taking a great gamble by posting this. this is why I strongly urge you to read through the entire article before making up your mind about what my post is about. People try to frame the situation in a positive light, or they try to encourage you to live. My feeling is that this is in many cases this is simply out of fear of death. You can look at this situation from a different angle. Your title states you don't want to live anymore. Most people here want to prevent you in some way or another from having a self-destructive or suicidal attitude. I'm not that kind of person. Why would you even begin to post that you don't want to live anymore? Why even state it? If you don't want to live anymore, then simply commit suicide. Why would you start a topic about it? This is not because I want you to commit suicide, but I'm just arguing from your perspective. It's clear to me that you post this so you can see if there are any reasons you can find to keep on living. You want to find encouragement. At least be honest about that. Don't create such a post about it where you constantly give a counterargument or negative reply to anything any other person suggests here. If you are really so certain that you don't want to live anymore, then why are you still alive? You would already have taken your own life by now Start by being honest with yourself and others. Instead of pretending to be this person that doesn't want to live anymore, admit that you do want to keep on living and to have reasons for it —or certainly at least a part of you does. Reframe the topic and reframe the intention of it. Instead of taking on this life-negative approach, be honest with yourself and frame it like this: "Part of me feels like I don't want to live anymore, but another part of me definitely does want to keep on living. Can you guys help me to find reasons or reframes that would give me encouragement to keep on living?". Start with this honesty, at least. But even if you have all the reasons that have ever and will ever exist to keep on living, this wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough, because it would merely a fight against the part of you that doesn't want to keep living. It doesn't matter if you believe in reincarnation and therefore suicide would be useless, or that you would be condemned to hell if you would commit suicide, or that life has potential to be full of joy... It doesn't matter what you believe here. If those reframes and "positive thoughts" are simply repression against your desire for annihilation, the shadow of it will always keep on following you, no matter what you do or believe in. If you are really sincere about your inquiry for truth, admit that no thought has a preference over the other. This means even that the survival drive has no preference over the suicidal urge. None at all. Suicide is just as relevant as life is. To choose suicide is just as a feasible, relevant idea as the idea to keep on living is. Consider it. Ponder upon it. Inquire about it with absolute sincerity. See how everything that is considered "Negative" or "bad" can be argued in such a way that it can become something constructive or positive. Just try it, even if it doesn't feel real to you and if it only appears only theorethical. Start with "theorethically", if nothing else. Here is the interesting part about it: If you have absolutely no resentment anymore against the idea of committing suicide, it will lose its appeal. To be wanting to commit suicide, means that you want to escape life, that you want to escape suffering. If you are absolutely okay with death, you will be absolutely okay with life also. Because you are allowing yourself to step out of it at any moment, there is absolutely no problem, absolutely no struggle. Then anything that accompanies life, will simply be a fun game to you, like the way a child plays a game. Even physical discomfort and pain will be of no worry to you. Because for all you know, you could be gone tomorrow. you have become okay with it, at least. Then why bother about discomfort? Life becomes so light, so worryless. Now, life will simply be an amazing game, an amazing play in which everything appears as a sort of holy perfection. What I've described above is the realization I had about half a year ago on the topic of suicide. I struggled with the same kind of resentment I had towards the idea of suicide (which I feel like it's appropriate to assume OP must be having otherwise this topic wouldn't be here). Even though I wasn't actively depressed or suicidal, I still felt a certain fear and dread about the idea that one day it could happen that I would take my life, until I suddenly realized that it ultimately matters if I do or don't commit suicide. At that point, I suddenly felt very peaceful and life became suddenly so wonderful. It felt like such a big burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I took notes at that point to describe my realization. I still have it on my phone. I'll type it out: "Relaxed. My problems appear no longer as something serious. Primarily, there's simply worrylessness and playfulness towardws everything. Everything appears as a silly, funny game. Suffering is nothing more than a consequence of misunderstandings. Without misunderstandings, here are no worries. Without worries any form of physical and emotional pain is simply a light-hearted game to you, just like a child plays a game. Suffering is only there if you don't see the situation for what it truly is" (end quote) I'll leave it with this.

I wouldn't have said that if wasn't something that's been with me all through life. There hasn't been a major revelation but hundreds of small ones over the years. I could easily be wrong and it's not that important to me. Just something to express my openness towards reincarnation. As a kid I couldn't stand to watch movies or anything that was set in that time period. that time period (1890 -1950). Im British at heart in a way. Beatles, Pink Floyd, Led Zepplin, Elo, Clapton ,,,, great! Not so much for The Rolling Stones. Love Monty Python, Faulty Towers and others. This doesn't really say anything though. A few years ago on an elevator at a Casino on the Mississippi River for some reason, 3 women assumed I was from The U.K. for some reason. They actually said that I looked British! Anyway, that's the short story on that. Hope things are going ok with your boundary melting medicine. Sounds like it was but this is at least 3 hours later. Enjoy your trip,,,,

See what ‘me’ is, and the questions of reincarnation no longer make any sense. Do you really see that? Or do you continue attempting to utliize logic? (Thinking) What was your experience of rebirth like? Can you describe it? How do you now it’s true? How do you know it’s a fact? What do you even mean by verify? How do you know that? Do you have any experience of that happening?

@Bluebird The Buddha supposedly did escape samsara. By my intuition and experience his core teachings are very on point so I believe it is indeed possible. As long as there is any karma or ego, as long as there is any you, you are bound to the cycle of reincarnation. If you shed all karma, there's nirvana, liberation. Which is a much much taller order than the awakened states our popular teachers are in.

@Bluebird Your mental and energy body dosn't die when your physical body dies. It reincarnates. To dissolve the mental and energy body is called Mukti or ending the cycles of birth and death, or cease to exist. It is your mental and energy body which reincarnates over and over because it has enourmos amounts of karma inside of them. Karma means action. Physical action, mental action, energy action. When you die physical action stops but mental and energy body has still a lot of information/karma in them so it finds another body to finish it's karma. Unfinished buisiness you can call it. So there are methods as to how to dissolve this karma and brake all the cycles. You see. Realization means you're not your person, you're not your ego. But this ego is a bundle of memories and information. It doesn't die when the body dies. It reincarnates. So realization is good, you become aware that you're not the body, you're not the mind. But then the next step is to dissolve the ego/personality because it's still alive, only diference now is that you're aware that it's not you and it gives you a lot of freedom but it's still alive. Because of it reincarnation happens. That's why there are methods how to dissolve the ego completely. Ego is just a movement of your mind, isnt it? You stop the activity of the mind, puff ego is gone. That's one mehod. There are other methods also. Dissolving your ego means. It means when you sit, you sit here as a piece of existence, like wind or breeze. You're not sitting here as a bundle of thoughts, ideas, prejudices and emotions. just completely blank and empty for years without a single thought if they want to. There're beings like that. Sadhguru and his bramacharies are in this state and he talked about it in his book, it's absolutely amazing.. Many other sages are like this also. A being like that will not reincarnate... That's not very true.. There're very elaborate explanations of how it works and how to brake the cycles. Logically unbreakable explanations are all over the place. Go deep into some Therevada Bhuddhism or just sadhguru you'll see. A very detailed, logical, coherenct explanations are there. No beliefs, no dogma nothing.

@Joker_Theory In the moment you realize that reincarnation is a thought, you are free of ‘cycles of life & death’ - free of that thought. All that remains then, is the moment.

If reincarnation is real, than EGO is the way to go. But maybe is just a belief system as any other.

I don't know why i said we reincarnate as i know what Leo said and if a person believes in non-duality or oneness you cant believe in reincarnation as you reincarnating. I guess my ego was hoping i got it wrong Also, i get what Leo says about the ego and that is will die or cease to exist, vanish, disappear or whatever... I just don't get what exactly what is left over and what that is exactly. If this body goes with the ideas of me what is left, like no body, no mind? What happens to this consciousness i have now?

@AstralProjection there is nothing wrong about believing that the lamp will light when i turn on the switch. someday it may not, though. what i'm saying is that beliefs are helpless when we're after deeper truths. believing in reincarnation can be useful if it brings some sense of meaning to your life, but that's certainly not for me. with enlightenment, the whole puzzle of "reincarnation" and "heaven or hell" fades away. "reincarnation" is both right and wrong. it's right because True Nature experiences Itself through form eternally. it's wrong because individuality is an experience, not a "thing" that carries on. if you want to understand reincarnation, ask yourself: "what dies?" and "what is born?". contemplate those questions for a few years. "heaven or hell" is both right and wrong. it's right because actions have consequences that transcend the lifetime of a single human being. it's wrong because all karma arise and then fade away just like the waves on the sea grow and then crumble, thus both of what we call "good karma" and "bad karma" are impermanent. it will sound very messy unless you get a clear and deep understanding of what Spirit is. it had been a long time since i hadn't watched a single video from leo, but i watched his video about Teotl and i was astonished by its level of depth and integrity.

What nobody here believes in reincarnation?

No, it's true, it refers to the first period after his breakthrough. OT: Ramana: 'Reincarnation exists only so long as there is ignorance. There is really no reincarnation at all, either now or before. Nor will there be any hereafter. This is the truth.' So you are done, but you might not know it. Yet speaking of being done for external admiration, is the opposite of being done.

Near Death Experiencers have been saying for decades and longer that reincarnation is real. And this testimony just added more evidence to reincarnation being real. Expert investigates 10-year-old’s reincarnation claims https://www.today.com/video/today/57120459

You're asking me very sensitive questions which requires a very clear understanding of this and a lot of attention and studying. I may not be the best person to answer all your questions. since it's a very advanced teachings. Do you even know anything about chakras? If you didn't come to that point where chakras and prana are a living reality for you. Then what I'm gonna say will be complete out of your league. Right know you have 5bodies physical body, mental body, energy body, some non physical body which there's no appropriate name for it in english and a bliss body which is also not appropriate translation. Yes you can very much leave your body and do all those things but that's not what Mukti is. Right now you're a ghost with a body, when you die, you drop your physical body but other 4 bodies do not die. They reincarnate into another body. That's why reincarnation happens. Because other bodies, your mental, energy, and other 2 bodies are still alive and intact. The idea of ultimate liberation is to dismantle all the first 4 bodies and brake the cycles of life and death… then the bliss body, aka, pure consciousness leaves the body and merges with the rest of the universe. Okey.... This probably too much for you... I'm gonna stop there... You can watch sadhguru talk about 5 layers of body

Let me ask you, do you believe in reincarnation?

@Nahm lol... You have a lot to learn about karma yet... I understand what you say. Consciousness is always free... But that's not enough. Even if you're in nondual state where nothing can touch you and there's no suffering. You're still not free. Karma is holding you in this body like a bondage and karma will not allow you to escape. You will reincarnate endlessly untill you brake all your attachments in this world, untill you reach perfect equanimity, no cravings no aversions, no movement at all in your mind, that's the end of karma and that's the ultimate state of freedom. Not a nondual state or samadhi but to end the cycles of reincarnation. That's Mukti, mahasamadhi or ultimate liberation. This is a dangerous territory for me to speak about since I don't have crystal clear understanding in this. But it's also the most amazing, and the most advanced teaching. Which very rare enlightenment beings talk about. I know only Gautama the Bhuddha and sadhguru are the only two people who goes this deep.... I'm sure there are plenty of others but not into mainstream.

Read some of the basics from Buddhism, Zen, Jainism Hinduism and even Christianity all state that your actions do follow you. In particular meditational religions all say that there is karma. This karma is what determines your next reincarnation. Especially if one leads others astray and cause suffering to others this kind of karma is really bad.

Yes an no. Yes you do exist. You have built up unique patterns of conscious intent through ages of evolution through reincarnation. But at the same time once you reach salvation through some form of enlightenment all that stuff of you falls off. And you are just left with the will of God acting through you. So with that as of now you do exist. Don't believe this hocus pocus that you don't exist. This is a good way for people to not take any responsibly for their actions and it's effects. Karma still applies to you and all of us, so don't delude yourself.

Often times soul and spirit are used interchangeably. But there are some differences. Spirit is eternal but IMO soul may not be eternal. A soul is more of the gross external multidimensional self. Whereas a spirit has more to do with a higher multidimensional self. A soul can change over time where as a spirit is eternal. Basically a soul is a conglomeration of spirit particles. That is the way I see it at least. A soul is the consciousness of your being. The soul is the mental patterns that stay with you from this life to the next and the next through reincarnation. The soul stores ones intent. As intent is what stays with you from one incarnation to the next. The soul at death can go to the upper reals/dimensions or it can go to the lower ones at death. Meditational religions have warned that if you have a bad death with lots of suffering just before death that you increase your chances of going to a hellish dimension at death. Which is why I plan on ending my life on my own terms with a peaceful method when I am an old man, which is many years from now. The Buddha warned that bad people can go to heavenly realms and good people can go to hellish realms depending on what kind of death they have, but overall it evens out throughout many reincarnations. Given that from what I understand it's very hard to make it to a hellish dimension in general by studying NDEs near death experiences. That is unless one is duped into following negative entities into the dark lower dimensions as in the case of Howard Storm. Howard Storm talks about this in his book My Decent into Death. Also it might be that if someone is blown up into pieces by a bomb that they will be dismembered in the afterlife, IDK for sure but I am not ruling that out. Or perhaps only healing of that kind can occur in the upper dimensions.

True reincarnation is falling back into the thinking mind and then awakening again.

I noticed that I cling to the idea of reincarnation and I use it to justify my pursuit of wisdom. Buddhists believe* that only wisdom is transferred upon death because memory and personality are tied to the brain that is physical. Since they define wisdom very loosely (duh), I was skeptical of it, but it stuck with me nonetheless. What gave me peace is the realization of what is wisdom. Of course, Buddhists say it clearly - it is the realization of no self. One gets to reincarnate by being nobody - exactly like every nobody before and after him. So, that's exactly the opposite of what Ego wants - it has to leave, so that past sages get to have their seat.

Hey Everyone As always, I would to first give my thanks to @Leo Gura for Actualized.org and for the mere existence of this forum. It is appreciated and loved <3 Hopefully I can make this not too long, but recently it struck me that I feel like I am Nothing. I have finished watching Leo's 2 latest vids ("What Is God? - A No Bullshit Explanation For Smart People - Part 1" and "What Is God? - Clear Answers To 70+ Commonly Asked Questions - Part 2") and although there were AMAZING and very insightful, I am feeling quite empty yet validated at the same time for how I'm feeling, in a sense. For instance, I suffer from Depression (MDD) and I'm in Therapy (not medicated - I refuse)...and recently, I remember just laying in bed and being struck by this DEEP feeling that I am Nothing. Deeply feeling the Nothing that I am. It was powerful yet almost scary. Because, on the one hand I was absolutely moved to TEARS by how humbling it feels to be "Nothing" (even before writing this right now, I was tearful just remembering the feeling itself). On the other hand, you feel so empty...like your whole life/existence is a lie. For reference sake, I am a spiritual person. I have always believed in reincarnation, and souls ect. I'm just wondering if the sense of feeling like I am Nothing...is it me somehow "tappng" into a part of the nature of source, in a sense? because Leo mentioned that there's this duality of Nothing and Everything. I'm a tad confused and lost to be honest. And on another instance, I remember a few months ago in Therapy, I was asked what I THINK I am, and the immediate thought that I said out loud was literally - "Nothing". I will admit it was said with a lot of pain, because of my depression but that's how I sincerely felt at the heat of that moment. I have been looking into Pantheism for a long while now and it's been very insightful and awe inspiring. I was thrilled that Leo mentioned it in his latest vid and it was validating to not only tap into the feeling of Pantheism in general (feeling the essence of it in situations here and there), but hearing that that may be the case for the very nature of reality. Oh and, just one other thing - If I am Nothing, then who is it that feels the depression? the very PAIN of the depression? That thought has me sincerely confused. I have always thought we are incarnations, a part of source. So naturally, source is feeling a part of the pain (our souls)...but If I am nothing, I don't know how to look at things at all right now.. I would love and appreciate hearing any of your insights Has anyone else here felt like I do? P.S - I don't know if this is somewhat of a precursor to the feeling of "I am nothing" but a month or so before starting Therapy (1.5 years ago), I remember feeling deep inside, the thought and feeling that we are born into this world alone, and we die alone. Then funny enough, I heard those EXACT words from my Therapist and that blew my mind...that very nature of being alone. At first I resisted, I almost got angry ("How can you say that! I don't want to here that from MY Therapist!") but...as time has gone by, I cannot help but feel that more and more. Very recently, I heard the very same thing that was said from the heart, from my Professor on one of my Psychology lectures. Now, after seeing Leo's said latest vid...I wonder if this feeling of "alone-ness" and that there is no one - is this kind of also trying to send somewhat of a clue to the nature of reality?

So saying that we are everything and we are infinite is just a cruel trick to make the people happy and unafraid of death. The trick is reduce the self to nothingness, of course nothingness i absolute and infinite. But if we are nothingness we arent "infinite consciousness living a human experience", no afterlife, or reincarnation, no quantum consciousness, not even return to the source. You smashed my hopes to hang on