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About Igor82

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  • Birthday 07/09/2002

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  1. The time has come for me to put this journal on the backburner. I created this journal with the intentions of being an accountability journal for a 180 day long NoNut challenge with the expectation that I would be able to carry through this challenge without failure (due to my firm belief that this journal would solve my PMO problem). I wanted to make a journal that would put some of my skin in the game as I tried to write every single day with total honesty on how the challenge was going, and this was supposed to push me through the threshold guardian I felt were holding me back. This journal, the solution to all my problems, coming as a neat package of accountability, journaling, learning about myself, loads of insights, and inspiration for other people - well... Because of this journal, I have disproved for myself the need for accountability to succeed in this challenge, and I have disproven success without failure. Trough this journal, I have come to realize the real solution for pushing through the threshold guardian, which is an entirely different solution than this journal was meant to be: Trough this journal I have come realize that my vision and my life purpose is what should be pursued to solve my NoFap issues indirectly, firstly because directly solving my "issues" is not gonna lead me to a higher place, and secondly because my life purpose is dependent on my capacity to transcend these limiting addictions in general, which makes my actions towards my life purpose contain the intent of transcending these addictions. I previously wrote in this journal how I could only choose one between my life purpose and my addictions, and I choose my life purpose. As the fundamental motivations of this journal got disarmed, I have stopped enjoying posting here as much as I initially did. And now I can only motivate myself to write in this journal to keep this journal from dying - to validate some part of my self-image - and to keep my readers satisfied. When I sit down to write in this journal, I have nothing more about the NoFap journey to write about because I already know what to do and what's limiting me. In the beginning, I would write to solve a particular issue - to feel certain. But now as I have come to the solution and I feel certain about it, I would stop focusing on writing about NoFap to instead write about some important event that I could learn from by it writing down, but that also would be valuable for the reader. My intent with closing this journal is for me to look towards my life purpose and document my journey towards that rather than focusing on some issue that im directly trying to solve; and by the law of attraction that is even counterproductive! And when it comes to providing value and inspiring people, I feel like I can offer you guys with much more value by starting a new journal that focuses on the theme of Life purpose rather than beating this dead horse by another forced update. Keeping this journal as my only journal here limits my journaling and value providing potential on this forum so I have decided that I will soon be starting a new primary journal that I will be posting in with all the integrated lessons I've learned from this journal. I will still keep posting here if something new happens with my NeverNut journey; my only motivation left. It's very insightful to see how this "chapter" has unfolded, at first I was inexperienced, and so I went through this process of self-discovery through journaling about my NoFap journey. I started to realize what actually had to be done to transcend PMO, and so that negated the purpose of this journal while it opens up this whole new field I can explore. You enter a journey with a purpose and as you learn more about yourself and the journey, that adds up to reshape the purpose you started with! You take a walk with your cat only because you know he has shit, and as you walk your cat, you go past a pet store that sells cat toilets and to you go in there and realize that this cat toilet is the solution to your problem of having to walk the cat all the time. And now when you're home with the cat off your mind, do you ever want to walk that cat again?
  2. @flowboy Oh yes!! Thanks for clearing that up, oh boy, thats gamechanging. Paradigm shift! For this to work I have to let go of the need for approval = life purpose = abundance mindset = masculinity = attraction.
  3. @SFRL Great reply, thanks. Will keep all of this in mind @flowboy Another great reply, thank you for the perspectives! Got it, thanks. But in a certain sense I will have to let go of constantly thinking about touching her for my intuition to come up. What if my head goes: hey, you see her coming towards you, dont just say hello and shake her hand or hug, go for the kiss right away. I wouldnt go for the kiss in that scenario because some emotion would come up and hinder me from doing that, dismissing the kiss thought as a mere joke, then overwhelming me with excuses. Now, how does the compelling force of intuition feel and play into this? Leo says: I will adopt the mindset to go do it as you say, but does that mean im pushing trough the flinch in combination with a sense of intuition -a sense of it being natural- or just acting upon my thoughts soley without that sense of it being natural? Or is it just as you say that no thoughts will come up unless intuition is already there, but then, what about that kissing thought I just mentioned?
  4. I can imagine. Thanks! Will do. This has to do with the scarcity mindset, if I have the abundance mindset then my intuition tells me it will go all natural. Ill go to work on that. I am currently working hard on finding the LP and I see how it can be attractive, I see how the path carries my persona to behave in a more attractive way. I was thinking alot about the girl mentioned, but I just know that I cant get her trough thinking and obsessing about her, that is me being needy. I have to let go of girls in order to attract them. Im aware that LP takes priority here. I have recently found out that one of my core strengths is to relate to people and encourage relationships. I want to make good use of that and be able to learn along the way, while satiating the need for socialization. @Leo Gura Very good and satisfying answer, I cant add anything to that. Im going to work right away with the research, but I invest effort into balancing out the theory with the practice. I will ask the girl out this week as I noticed she was attracted to me and we will see how it goes from there. Pretty excited, will update soon.
  5. @kag101 Thanks for the gold, im reading what you sent! Please elaborate on what natural means Thank you!!
  6. Im legit the age you see on my profile although im a tall person with a deep voice so people generally think im older than what I am. Okay! Show me lvl1. I have never gone physical with a girl before but I do enjoy being social on weekends which means I will most likely go physical with some girl soon enough. In conversation I like to stay grounded in having at least something to talk about, Im confident in being able to talk. If the conversation goes well then there is no problem looking into her eyes. But whats beyond just talking? Im trying to find a topic to talk about with my body language so to speak
  7. I was at an outside party where there was alot of people. This party is traditionally held by a nearby high school which I attended. Usually on these parties I try to talk to as many people as possible, to be social and to push myself, to always be talking with someone. Otherwise I would just prefer to observe all the poeple from a corner and that makes me feel weak in my abilities. I sometimes drink a little because that enhances my desire to talk with people enthusiastically. Approaching girls in such conditions is not a problem, maintaining a conversation is not a problem. Today I met a quality girl, 8.5, she was into mediation and visualization and we would quickly go on to have deeper conversations, although she was a little drunk. In the conversations I desired to go deeper than just talk but I felt limited in my unexperienced abilities of getting more physical with the girl, as I felt like that would be the next step towards sealing the deal (correct me if im wrong). What are some ways to get more physical with a girl, any practises? What’s that psychology behind it? Does it matter if she’s drunk or not? Important topic. Thanks in advance.
  8. Unedited journaling Today I tasted how irresponsible I am. I went for a bike ride into the city after having taken low doses of weed and modafinil. I had food with me and I was excited to ride to the nearest lake on my new bike. My mother and sister were going to drive to another city to retrieve a fridge for some buisness we are attending on the weekend. I got the fun idea to try to ride after them on my bike on the city streets while they were driving. I was fast, they were fast! It was fun and I felt confident. I had no helmet. I never have a helmet because I feel very confident in how im able to handle the bike and forsee danger, but I have my limits. I went to ride downhill with moms car already out of sight, and I was riding on a bike sidewalk when suddenly a car wanted to make a quick turn into the alley from the street, crossing the road where I was riding down in high speeds. I was in its dead angle. I thought I could make a turn around the front of the car as it was driving slightly slowly into the alley - as there were no time to break. I crashed, flying uncontrollably while clinging to my bike at 25% of the initial speed. I landed on my elbow (with a slightly thick jacket on). The bike took some damage and I didnt initially feel too shooken up, nothing broken! I solved the situation with the driver and went to head home. But what if I would just wear a t-shirt? What If I would have landed on my head? These thoughts were very uncomfortable, but I knew that a loving integration was nessecary so I tried loving the scary thought that came up, displaying me falling on that elbow -skin to asphalt- and scraping in all up into a bloody mess, or me cracking my skull open. I tried noticing that these thoughts were just fears, and I could actually just die any time! Then constant paranoia wouldnt be helpful. How fragile we are. I came in touch with the fear of the ego today. I went into a hot shower to console myself and treat my wounds after that, I masturbated in the shower, and amazingly, all thoughts that needed consolation or that was emotionally challenging or displayed my current state - just disappeared! As soon as I touched my dick, my dick was all that mattered, all the wounds didnt count. I guess thats how it is, if we have a rewarding fulfilling goal in mind, we can easily break through our fears! I will invest in a helmet, but as long as I dont have one (and even when I get one) I will be much more carefull when on the bike, always knowing that something out of my power can come and kill me.
  9. Leading up to this: Woke up late, procrastinated on my Kriya yoga. Smoked some weed instead with the intent of reaching higher states of consciousness to potentially find some happiness. I ended up distracting myself. Smoked some more (more than intended) and went out for a run, ended up running 3km at 10 pm with low stamina due to the weed. Made myself comfortable at a bench waiting for a bus home, put on some binaural beats, meditated on the third eye for 20 minutes with pleasant results, then went on to listen to Leo's guided meditation with even more pleasant results. The bus arrived, meditated on the bus. When I arrived at the home station I went on to sit on the nearest bench immersed in a contemplative mood sitting silently in the lukewarm dark, observing the road in front of me. The contemplation (Paraphrased biased to writing down the juice): Because I got more aware due to the meditation, I could clearly see the content of every thought, this initiated a metaphysical contemplation about my belief that thoughts are the obstacles to truth. What am I? It feels as though all experience is separate from "me". I must be the observer! But what is the observer? The observer is just observing a bunch of thoughts, The thoughts represented me as an observer by describing trough the content of these thoughts a comprehensive picture with the purpose of identifying the observer with the thoughts represented! But then I was able to go meta on all of that and be able to observe the thoughts coming up. So, what am I? The observer kept observing the thoughts coming up, and no matter how hard the thoughts seemed to try to deceive, "I" could clearly distinguish them as being thoughts, "but if the observer isn't a thought, then what is it?" This question was another thought that was seen as a thought; the thoughts thought wouldn't take me to where they were pointing to! This process started to reveal more and more of a web of thoughts, almost like an expansion, a formless expansion, it was as though the observer "zoomed out" on the web of beliefs, but in this case, the observer was "(?)" so there were just more thoughts appearing. Then it hit me: Could it be that I AM the boundary between "me" and the world? This felt groundbreaking. Could it be that my sense of self is (me) is the very incarnation of the separation of truth? Im not separate from the ultimate duality, I AM the duality! If I were to eliminate this duality, I would literally die and become my hand! This possibility stood without validation, I didn't woke, but this felt so true, it shook my soul! A good analogy describing this: Think of an actor in a movie, but this movie is all-encompassing for the actor, like the matrix or the Truman show. The actor in the movie would never be able to know that he is inside a movie because all he got is the movie; he has built his web of beliefs on the unquestioned assumption that what he believes about reality is reality, and of course not a movie. He has based his paradigm on what he has seen, and all he has seen is actually the contents of the movie, but he assumes that the movie is actual reality, even worse, he assumes that his assumption about the movie is the actual reality. The actor is built on his fundamental assumption that what he thinks about reality is what reality actually is. If somebody would come up to this guy and say that he is in a movie, you'd have to kill him to make him admit otherwise. For it to be a movie, it must be based on a fundamental duality that the movie is not reality, otherwise, it wouldn't be a movie, it would be a reality show. For me to stay separate from reality (which I think I am), I have to be built on the assumption that I am not reality! And Im achieving this feat by being in constant identification & agreement with certain thoughts that constantly run in the back of my mind. Im actively, masterfully mistaking thoughts (which I have used reality to create) for being reality itself, and so im in this way constantly drawing a boundary between thoughts and reality and voila, thoughts have now completely disidentified with reality. I am the boundary, I am an identification with thoughts, that's all I am, a lie. Eventually, I gave in to the urge to wander home. Key takeaways: This has cleared up a lot of bullshit regarding my enlightenment goals. I will die! I will die, and I won't acquire anything. But the thought of merging with the other side of the bubble is something that will keep me cutting through all the bullshit unless I just forget about that thought or dilute myself. But this contemplation session has definitely refined the expectation & goals. Thoughts = the complete opposite of consciousness. This is a good clue. Every thought is built upon the intent of suppressing consciousness of the true self, and the thoughts do so in masterful ways. I can much more clearly see how consciousness leads to enlightenment. Don't believe that by thinking about truth in a more comprehensive manner such as this post, that you are now closer to the truth, no, you're just closer to feeling certain, which is not the truth. Truth is actually in the opposite direction, to access the truth you need to eliminate all thought! Stop thinking goddammit! Its gonna be a long journey.
  10. I have almost figured out my top 5 strengths, just gotta prioritize the last couple of them! Im quite excited to be finally moving on to the "finding your life purpose" part in the life-purpose course! Its what I initially set out to achieve with all of this. I do lack the positive motivation to keep me meditating, exercising, visualizing, taking cold showers, reading books, etc, and for me to do these things I had to whip myself and impose guilt and suffering on myself if I failed. Now I have let loose with the reason of eliminating that neuroticism. But this has made me complacent and lazy, so im forced to find positive motivation before my laziness backfires: Im essentially climbing down the stairs to make some fortification work on the foundations, and then I gotta climb back up again, with greater power than before. My biggest battle right now is maintaining the Kriya Yoga routine. The mind plays so many tricks to keep me away from doing the Kriya. In truth, most times the routine is heavenly, it feels good and I get positive thoughts, and the resistance just fades away 5 minutes into the practice. But I will go through endless ways of distracting myself just to avoid doing the routine, and the tragedy lies in that Im not currently able to ground my routine in something tangible, not in the force of habit (im waking up late), not in my vision (im not actively visualizing, no life purpose yet), and definitely not in my survival drive. On average this month, I have done the Kriya every other day. Im not gonna quit! Hell no, consciousness is my top value, but I just gotta go through this episode of growth to muster the sufficient strength. Right now there is a tug of war between consciousness work and life purpose for me - I only have the strength for one at a time at the moment (every other day). All you need is a goal and some time, and any mountain becomes an effortless climb. For me, it just matters that I have a mission in mind, then every step I take -whatever the step- is a step closer to actualization. My mission is too sweet to give up. I have only truly given up when I have given up on my mission, anything else is just sacrifice and acclimatization. NoFap: Day 0. The NeverNut has taken the most damage so far during this faze. It has started to become a bad habit of mine, a day for me could quite possibly look like this at the moment: Waking up at 2 pm, no motivation wanna go back to sleep. Aint tired enough, just laying in bed staring at my window and thinking. 2:30, Doing my hygiene routine 3:00: "Aww man, let's not meditate right now, go eat a pineapple, its 3 pm, you're hungry" 3:45: With the pineapple in the belly I can't do the Kriya, so I might as well work on the life purpose course for an hour 4:30: Starting to work on the course after checking youtube & forum 5:30: Dinner time! 7:00: Cant meditate with food in my belly, ah well, ill do it before sleep, let's do something on the computer instead 12:00: I really gotta meditate. *Clicks on the next video* 2:00: Aww man, it's super late and I don't wanna meditate... *Searches up porn on google* 3:00: Fuck, im too tired to meditate, ill just go to sleep. THE END My best days are the days where I don't touch the computer at all.
  11. Since my last post, I have been quite productive! Loosening up has paid off as now I can -with increasing clarity-see how my suffering works. If I know how im causing my suffering, a huge chunk of the unconscious suffering gets outsourced into certain choices... I know that I will feel bad by eating junk food, so should I eat that or should I eat something healthy? While loosening up, I consider my improvement to reside in how many good choices I can make every day. I still have a vision for the future which I am just following now less rigidly. One day I became so burdened by all the cravings for porn and video games in combination with missing out some days of Kriya yoga that I just couldn't take it anymore, a force from within overpowered the lower self to get my shit back together, and so I deleted all the games down to the root, cleaning up my computer and then sorting out my goals. I craved to take a direct path towards what im after with all of this, and that boiled down to simply to finish the life purpose! For the last few days, I have been thinking a lot about my strengths daily, recognizing how they play out in my daily life and directly thinking about what strengths fits my list (im taking the paid strength test from the life purpose course, It's far better than the free one). These strengths go down to the core of my ego, they cannot be replicated by doing external things, for example, in the free strength test you would have a strength called "appreciation of beauty & excellence" which I really relate with! Although if I think about it, I only have that strength because I eat really healthily and do my morning meditation/visualization routines, otherwise I would not have that ability, which entails that it's not my core strength. I had a conversation with a guy today which really proved how strong of a "Relator" I am, this means that I can put myself in other's shoes with a desire to deepen the relationship, to know the other person and to build the relationship on authenticity for the benefit of the both of us. I can easily deepen a relationship by talking about deeper parts of myself and encourage that in the other person as well. This combines with my communication skills and my other strengths to be a really smooth and valuable process. I tried building the start of our relationship on radical honesty, really letting the guy know what I want out of our relationship and what I think about it right now. I actively tried to not build the relationship on lies that comes with not saying the right things, for example, if I really don't think the guy is a good fit for me, I will tell him what im actually searching for in a guy-guy:friend relationship and then honestly tell him that we might not see each other that often based on our split interests - of course, we must relate to each other enough for this to work; If he hears my words then we can adapt to spend higher quality time together, but if he does not want that, we can split up. This either saves a lot of suffering or improves the relationship. Many people just hide their true feelings and intentions with their relationships, which will end up in boring mundane conversations with shallow relationships that never goes deep. Our conversations ended up going pretty deep and being really satisfying considering how different we are. With honesty, we have adapted to each other quite a bit to know our collective interests more easily, which results in a more satisfying relationship. I know that the NeverNut will resolve as soon as I can make my schedules work. At the moment, im waking up at noon and going to sleep late. I can only make my plans work if I wake up early, and having them there in the background really puts some spice into it by promoting a certain pattern which in turn will deconstruct the old patterns of PMO-Self-Sabotage. Since I last posted I have relapsed every other day, always at night. Im suffering for it, but this is good. Try try again.
  12. Time for an update. Honestly, I have not felt the need to update this journal. I have been loosening up: What do I mean by loosening up? Well, Im essentially letting go of all my self-imposed negative motivation while still being goal oriented. Instead of hinging my progress on how hard I beat myself up, im rather hinging my progress on my actual progress, on how good I will feel if I follow my positive motivations. It has given results. My desire to live the good life has increased, which boils down to me having more motivation to do my schedules. I have loosend up alot of neurotisicm within my routines which now makes them more manageable, for example not overdoing Kriya Pranayama, not overdoing my excersize, loosening up my schedule to make it look more like a to-do list which does not make my motivation being neurotically dependent upon my schedule being perfect, etc. I can easily dilute myself here and go play video games and binge porn, but the catch is that I will suffer for it! And the more I get drawn towards my positive motivations, the more I experience how all these distractions are limiting me. Its an intimate process, im learning what should be done trough direct experiance, as opposed to what Leo says in his videos about what should be done. If I skip my Kriya yoga, I will suffer alot. If I eat aomething unhealthy, I directly experience suffering. I feel like I will have to go trough this process of intimately and more authentically getting in touch with my positive and negative drives while exploring trough subjective experience why they work. Im actually very productive this way. I simply suffer so much by distracting myself that I just do the work instead. NoFap: Day 2: I had a 6 day streak that got busted 2 days ago, I have not fapped since. Now im more than ever in touch with the suffering that comes with PMO. I can see how it makes me objectify women, it makes me restless, hungry, tired, etc. All of these reminders washes over me instantly whenever I crave for PMO nowadays, and that surely summons some results! I want to depend my PMO motivation on authenticity + my values - on what I have experienced and what I want to experience. I have found that this slowly but surely gets the job done. Ill try to post here more regularely, supported by the progress of my routines. This is an update of what I have been going the last 2 weeks which has hindered me from posting. I have actually never felt more free.
  13. I have listened to all songs posted here, downloaded a few, but I feel like we have not struck the core of this issue; the ego has to die, but it will cling like a beast: