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About Igor82

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  1. Leading up to this: Woke up late, procrastinated on my Kriya yoga. Smoked some weed instead with the intent of reaching higher states of consciousness to potentially find some happiness. I ended up distracting myself. Smoked some more (more than intended) and went out for a run, ended up running 3km at 10 pm with low stamina due to the weed. Made myself comfortable at a bench waiting for a bus home, put on some binaural beats, meditated on the third eye for 20 minutes with pleasant results, then went on to listen to Leo's guided meditation with even more pleasant results. The bus arrived, meditated on the bus. When I arrived at the home station I went on to sit on the nearest bench immersed in a contemplative mood sitting silently in the lukewarm dark, observing the road in front of me. The contemplation (Paraphrased biased to writing down the juice): Because I got more aware due to the meditation, I could clearly see the content of every thought, this initiated a metaphysical contemplation about my belief that thoughts are the obstacles to truth. What am I? It feels as though all experience is separate from "me". I must be the observer! But what is the observer? The observer is just observing a bunch of thoughts, The thoughts represented me as an observer by describing trough the content of these thoughts a comprehensive picture with the purpose of identifying the observer with the thoughts represented! But then I was able to go meta on all of that and be able to observe the thoughts coming up. So, what am I? The observer kept observing the thoughts coming up, and no matter how hard the thoughts seemed to try to deceive, "I" could clearly distinguish them as being thoughts, "but if the observer isn't a thought, then what is it?" This question was another thought that was seen as a thought; the thoughts thought wouldn't take me to where they were pointing to! This process started to reveal more and more of a web of thoughts, almost like an expansion, a formless expansion, it was as though the observer "zoomed out" on the web of beliefs, but in this case, the observer was "(?)" so there were just more thoughts appearing. Then it hit me: Could it be that I AM the boundary between "me" and the world? This felt groundbreaking. Could it be that my sense of self is (me) is the very incarnation of the separation of truth? Im not separate from the ultimate duality, I AM the duality! If I were to eliminate this duality, I would literally die and become my hand! This possibility stood without validation, I didn't woke, but this felt so true, it shook my soul! A good analogy describing this: Think of an actor in a movie, but this movie is all-encompassing for the actor, like the matrix or the Truman show. The actor in the movie would never be able to know that he is inside a movie because all he got is the movie; he has built his web of beliefs on the unquestioned assumption that what he believes about reality is reality, and of course not a movie. He has based his paradigm on what he has seen, and all he has seen is actually the contents of the movie, but he assumes that the movie is actual reality, even worse, he assumes that his assumption about the movie is the actual reality. The actor is built on his fundamental assumption that what he thinks about reality is what reality actually is. If somebody would come up to this guy and say that he is in a movie, you'd have to kill him to make him admit otherwise. For it to be a movie, it must be based on a fundamental duality that the movie is not reality, otherwise, it wouldn't be a movie, it would be a reality show. For me to stay separate from reality (which I think I am), I have to be built on the assumption that I am not reality! And Im achieving this feat by being in constant identification & agreement with certain thoughts that constantly run in the back of my mind. Im actively, masterfully mistaking thoughts (which I have used reality to create) for being reality itself, and so im in this way constantly drawing a boundary between thoughts and reality and voila, thoughts have now completely disidentified with reality. I am the boundary, I am an identification with thoughts, that's all I am, a lie. Eventually, I gave in to the urge to wander home. Key takeaways: This has cleared up a lot of bullshit regarding my enlightenment goals. I will die! I will die, and I won't acquire anything. But the thought of merging with the other side of the bubble is something that will keep me cutting through all the bullshit unless I just forget about that thought or dilute myself. But this contemplation session has definitely refined the expectation & goals. Thoughts = the complete opposite of consciousness. This is a good clue. Every thought is built upon the intent of suppressing consciousness of the true self, and the thoughts do so in masterful ways. I can much more clearly see how consciousness leads to enlightenment. Don't believe that by thinking about truth in a more comprehensive manner such as this post, that you are now closer to the truth, no, you're just closer to feeling certain, which is not the truth. Truth is actually in the opposite direction, to access the truth you need to eliminate all thought! Stop thinking goddammit! Its gonna be a long journey.
  2. I have almost figured out my top 5 strengths, just gotta prioritize the last couple of them! Im quite excited to be finally moving on to the "finding your life purpose" part in the life-purpose course! Its what I initially set out to achieve with all of this. I do lack the positive motivation to keep me meditating, exercising, visualizing, taking cold showers, reading books, etc, and for me to do these things I had to whip myself and impose guilt and suffering on myself if I failed. Now I have let loose with the reason of eliminating that neuroticism. But this has made me complacent and lazy, so im forced to find positive motivation before my laziness backfires: Im essentially climbing down the stairs to make some fortification work on the foundations, and then I gotta climb back up again, with greater power than before. My biggest battle right now is maintaining the Kriya Yoga routine. The mind plays so many tricks to keep me away from doing the Kriya. In truth, most times the routine is heavenly, it feels good and I get positive thoughts, and the resistance just fades away 5 minutes into the practice. But I will go through endless ways of distracting myself just to avoid doing the routine, and the tragedy lies in that Im not currently able to ground my routine in something tangible, not in the force of habit (im waking up late), not in my vision (im not actively visualizing, no life purpose yet), and definitely not in my survival drive. On average this month, I have done the Kriya every other day. Im not gonna quit! Hell no, consciousness is my top value, but I just gotta go through this episode of growth to muster the sufficient strength. Right now there is a tug of war between consciousness work and life purpose for me - I only have the strength for one at a time at the moment (every other day). All you need is a goal and some time, and any mountain becomes an effortless climb. For me, it just matters that I have a mission in mind, then every step I take -whatever the step- is a step closer to actualization. My mission is too sweet to give up. I have only truly given up when I have given up on my mission, anything else is just sacrifice and acclimatization. NoFap: Day 0. The NeverNut has taken the most damage so far during this faze. It has started to become a bad habit of mine, a day for me could quite possibly look like this at the moment: Waking up at 2 pm, no motivation wanna go back to sleep. Aint tired enough, just laying in bed staring at my window and thinking. 2:30, Doing my hygiene routine 3:00: "Aww man, let's not meditate right now, go eat a pineapple, its 3 pm, you're hungry" 3:45: With the pineapple in the belly I can't do the Kriya, so I might as well work on the life purpose course for an hour 4:30: Starting to work on the course after checking youtube & forum 5:30: Dinner time! 7:00: Cant meditate with food in my belly, ah well, ill do it before sleep, let's do something on the computer instead 12:00: I really gotta meditate. *Clicks on the next video* 2:00: Aww man, it's super late and I don't wanna meditate... *Searches up porn on google* 3:00: Fuck, im too tired to meditate, ill just go to sleep. THE END My best days are the days where I don't touch the computer at all.
  3. Since my last post, I have been quite productive! Loosening up has paid off as now I can -with increasing clarity-see how my suffering works. If I know how im causing my suffering, a huge chunk of the unconscious suffering gets outsourced into certain choices... I know that I will feel bad by eating junk food, so should I eat that or should I eat something healthy? While loosening up, I consider my improvement to reside in how many good choices I can make every day. I still have a vision for the future which I am just following now less rigidly. One day I became so burdened by all the cravings for porn and video games in combination with missing out some days of Kriya yoga that I just couldn't take it anymore, a force from within overpowered the lower self to get my shit back together, and so I deleted all the games down to the root, cleaning up my computer and then sorting out my goals. I craved to take a direct path towards what im after with all of this, and that boiled down to simply to finish the life purpose! For the last few days, I have been thinking a lot about my strengths daily, recognizing how they play out in my daily life and directly thinking about what strengths fits my list (im taking the paid strength test from the life purpose course, It's far better than the free one). These strengths go down to the core of my ego, they cannot be replicated by doing external things, for example, in the free strength test you would have a strength called "appreciation of beauty & excellence" which I really relate with! Although if I think about it, I only have that strength because I eat really healthily and do my morning meditation/visualization routines, otherwise I would not have that ability, which entails that it's not my core strength. I had a conversation with a guy today which really proved how strong of a "Relator" I am, this means that I can put myself in other's shoes with a desire to deepen the relationship, to know the other person and to build the relationship on authenticity for the benefit of the both of us. I can easily deepen a relationship by talking about deeper parts of myself and encourage that in the other person as well. This combines with my communication skills and my other strengths to be a really smooth and valuable process. I tried building the start of our relationship on radical honesty, really letting the guy know what I want out of our relationship and what I think about it right now. I actively tried to not build the relationship on lies that comes with not saying the right things, for example, if I really don't think the guy is a good fit for me, I will tell him what im actually searching for in a guy-guy:friend relationship and then honestly tell him that we might not see each other that often based on our split interests - of course, we must relate to each other enough for this to work; If he hears my words then we can adapt to spend higher quality time together, but if he does not want that, we can split up. This either saves a lot of suffering or improves the relationship. Many people just hide their true feelings and intentions with their relationships, which will end up in boring mundane conversations with shallow relationships that never goes deep. Our conversations ended up going pretty deep and being really satisfying considering how different we are. With honesty, we have adapted to each other quite a bit to know our collective interests more easily, which results in a more satisfying relationship. I know that the NeverNut will resolve as soon as I can make my schedules work. At the moment, im waking up at noon and going to sleep late. I can only make my plans work if I wake up early, and having them there in the background really puts some spice into it by promoting a certain pattern which in turn will deconstruct the old patterns of PMO-Self-Sabotage. Since I last posted I have relapsed every other day, always at night. Im suffering for it, but this is good. Try try again.
  4. Time for an update. Honestly, I have not felt the need to update this journal. I have been loosening up: What do I mean by loosening up? Well, Im essentially letting go of all my self-imposed negative motivation while still being goal oriented. Instead of hinging my progress on how hard I beat myself up, im rather hinging my progress on my actual progress, on how good I will feel if I follow my positive motivations. It has given results. My desire to live the good life has increased, which boils down to me having more motivation to do my schedules. I have loosend up alot of neurotisicm within my routines which now makes them more manageable, for example not overdoing Kriya Pranayama, not overdoing my excersize, loosening up my schedule to make it look more like a to-do list which does not make my motivation being neurotically dependent upon my schedule being perfect, etc. I can easily dilute myself here and go play video games and binge porn, but the catch is that I will suffer for it! And the more I get drawn towards my positive motivations, the more I experience how all these distractions are limiting me. Its an intimate process, im learning what should be done trough direct experiance, as opposed to what Leo says in his videos about what should be done. If I skip my Kriya yoga, I will suffer alot. If I eat aomething unhealthy, I directly experience suffering. I feel like I will have to go trough this process of intimately and more authentically getting in touch with my positive and negative drives while exploring trough subjective experience why they work. Im actually very productive this way. I simply suffer so much by distracting myself that I just do the work instead. NoFap: Day 2: I had a 6 day streak that got busted 2 days ago, I have not fapped since. Now im more than ever in touch with the suffering that comes with PMO. I can see how it makes me objectify women, it makes me restless, hungry, tired, etc. All of these reminders washes over me instantly whenever I crave for PMO nowadays, and that surely summons some results! I want to depend my PMO motivation on authenticity + my values - on what I have experienced and what I want to experience. I have found that this slowly but surely gets the job done. Ill try to post here more regularely, supported by the progress of my routines. This is an update of what I have been going the last 2 weeks which has hindered me from posting. I have actually never felt more free.
  5. I have listened to all songs posted here, downloaded a few, but I feel like we have not struck the core of this issue; the ego has to die, but it will cling like a beast:
  6. What do you mean by "A decent into trip?" I mean, you have told me that on like every trip report I have made so far... Does this mean I have not even begun yet?
  7. All my prior reports of 5-MeO have descended a step down in my intensity scale in comparison to this one. Dose: 36mg's 5-MeO-DMT Oxalate (Some leaks during administration). ROA: Plugged. Duration: 1.10h Set&Setting: Sufficient, could have been better. I ate a couple of light meals before doing the trip and I took 50mg's of Modafinil when I woke up (noon). I administered at 8 pm two hours after eating a pineapple after a day full of egoic distractions. My sister was home, my mother came home in the middle of the trip. Report: I had a calling for 5-MeO, and immediately I was showered with excuses on why I shouldn't do this today; I didn't have a good day, I was not strong enough, etc. But after my last trip, I came to realize that a calling was sufficient to initiate a trip. The calling would not come if I would not be authentically ready. I weighed out the 5-MeO, did my Kriya, took a shit, went to visualize love and surrender, then I prepared the syringe and administered. I went down to sit on my couch with my iPad filming from the right side of the couch (this didn't bother me). I lightheartedly set an intention to experience infinite love during this trip as I assumed that this would be a breakthrough dose based on previous trips. As I sat down, the casual monkey mind started playing and I quickly forgot about my intention. I sat comfortably on my couch and I felt ready to surrender into death. I started sensing that familiar butt sting and soon after that -while having a smile on my face, amused by some thought that came around- the smile quickly turned serious and I noticed that the trip has begun. I started to sense the body load and the fear coming up, the thoughts getting a bit more serious, but no awareness as of yet! Almost like my body was reacting against the awareness, successfully blocking it for now. I kept my eyes open and my heart started beating faster and faster, I started breathing faster and faster but then it quite suddenly calmed down and I was left with a familiar sense of frustration and disappointment as I thought that this was the extent of the trip (I based the strength of the trip on how fast my heart was beating lol), I noticed this and decided to ride it out and see how much deeper this would go. I started getting more aware, the monkey mind disappeared and the body load got heavier. Slowly, these effects got more magnified until my heart started racing again, and I was breathing heavily once more, but I was not feeling the rush as clearly as before under the strong body load I was experiencing now. At this point, I noticed that my sense of self started shrinking, but this was not as clear as in my previous trip as this time I had my eyes open, with my focus on the outside and not the inside. I started getting uncomfortable, some light fear started coming up, I felt as though I was almost constantly residing in the "flinch" (a term describing the emotional state you experience in the decisive moment of going to do something emotionally difficult). I surrendered into this by trying to shower whatever came into my experience with love, and so that would eventually break through into love, which made the discomfort disappear and left me in this beautiful super calm state until another reason to be afraid popped up in the mind. I surrendered into the discomfort by kind of going "meta" on the discomfort (disindentifying with it, observing it) and then trying to shower it with love. At the peak, the body lead was quite heavy, I would have about 10% of my sober strength available and that felt quite imprisoning. I was constantly surrendering into fears that regarded the body load but mostly regarding how absent the ego was at that moment. I could clearly see whatever thoughts were arising, and objects in front of me started losing their meaning. I was in such mental peace that my body reacted to it in a magnificent way, the jaw moving around "in awe" and my face occasionally making certain expressions. This was definitely a state of no-self, as "I" was completely absent but the world was still there. Some questions of "who am I" popped into my mind without any sort of answer. The mind was subtly bringing up Leo's teachings of nonduality and all of that, especially concepts coming from the latest episode (Understanding Duality). I just sat there, in awe, mostly looking at one point in my room (my salt lamp in the gaze in front of me), but I would occasionally shift my gaze to my legs, hands, the floor, etc. There were some very subtle visuals, almost like reality was permeated with a layer of "blinding spots", like the colors you would see after looking at the sun, but this layer was originated as if though I would have looked on a really bright version of the room I was looking at! Comparable to the subtle visuals you get when holding your breath... At one point, I was amazed to discover that the difference between my body sensations and the color of the sky I was looking at was melting away. The color blue became my body sensations because the thought that would commonly immediately separate them apart didn't appear at that moment! But I was having some trouble with melting the duality between green and blue. I then relaxed my gaze into my pants and my neck became a little uncomfortable from that, and from that arose some thoughts worrying about the body, but I surrendered that, reminding myself that I might actually die but that's okay and that was somehow comforting. As I looked into my pants -without intention- for like 3 minutes I suddenly noticed that I have no idea of what the patterns in my pants are representing! And then some thoughts came up regarding the patterns like "oh, that's a flower", "these pants much have been intentionally made!" and I found those facts to be quite amazing at that moment as I was also observing the thoughts as they arose right out of nowhere. Towards the end of the trip, the body load was so bad that it became quite frightening (if I would not surrender into the fear I would have panicked), I was not experiencing any nausea, but I was worried about my body temperature being out of wack, especially as the window was open. I eventually gave in to the urge of closing my window and covering myself with a blanket, and as I did that I felt safe! And any thought that came after that was met with love and gratitude. I turned towards the camera and spoke calmly a summarization, but I loved admiring the elevation of authenticity I was experiencing. My mother was worried because I had locked my door and not answered the phone and as I hear her walking around in the corridor, It was very easy for me to put myself in her situation, into her first-person experience and feel what she was experiencing, and that makes me really compassionate. It made me also cringe on how selfish I used to be around her, virtually never putting myself in her shoes. Eventually, the body load subsided as I got distracted by the iPad. Insights: I need a stronger base of knowledge! As I was looking down at the patterns in my pants I realized that the magnificence of the pants resided in how I thought about them! And as I sat covered in the blanket, I was having a lot of happy thoughts, which enhanced the experience. What if I would contemplate reality daily, what if I would do self-inquiry? What if I would read 100 books, how satisfying would reality be then? And how would that affect the trip, would it make it deeper? Yes. Just like that guy that got enlightened when he was 4, he never realized that because of his lack of knowledge. I need to give more love and be less selfish. I went on to watch my first vlog ever recorded (which I spent some minutes laughing and cringing to the day before) and now as I watched it during the comedown, I didn't cringe, I just put myself in my own shoes to understand how I felt back then, and I got amazed by how calm I used to be back then! If im laughing an cringing, I ain't aware. I need to be more compassionate, putting myself in other's shoes in order to relate to them and to love them. Duality resides in the mind! If al thought seizes to exist, I believe that you would quickly realize that awareness permeates everything you see (taking the form of everything you see) and it can take on the form of anything, and so it happens to also takes the form of deceiving thoughts (duality) and tada! I need to make more art. What if I could give myself to an art, and forget all this struggle, totally committing myself to my art and living it selflessly? Just like Jiro, the sushi master, doing his thing in ecstasy. The peak was quite uncomfortable physically, but it helps if I enter with strength! If I can take a cold shower and surrender into that with love, living my life closer to my full potential, then I can say with confidence that the capacity to surrender into upcoming trips would be enhanced. If you immerse yourself in thoughts, you quickly become unaware by design. This is why it's impossible to imagine the truth! Thoughts can never grasp (describe) consciousness because consciousness comes prior to thought. Thoughts can never describe the color red because the color red comes prior to thoughts! Thoughts can never describe the observer because the observer comes prior to thought. This trip was not a breakthrough but it contains some valuable lessons for me moving forward. Next time administer 40mg's, trying to avoid leakage. Next trip will be planned beforehand so that it's done on the morning in a more comfortable set&setting. Thank you for reading, my love!!
  8. @thesmileyone My opinion is based on the knowledge I have acquired. I admit that I bias my research towards what I already believe, what I believe is what makes the most sense to me in the big picture, I could be wrong. If we all research what diet is best for our health then we automatically think that those things that "seem best for us based on research" bust also represent the optimal diet, but we do the mistake of not looking at the bigger picture. Why is it that sugar is best to be avoided? How does this tie into the bigger picture? What I believe is that we humans evolved and adapted to certain conditions that made us survive. If you erase my memory and drop me somewhere in the world 50 thousand years ago, where would I have the best chances to survive (and thrive) and why? We humans can survive in Alaska if we want, we can adapt to winder pretty quickly, we have large brains, but would we thrive there tho? We are born to run, we have a long digestive tract, we need sunlight, out circadian rhythm is a certain way, we have pretty good eyesight, we are fucking devils, human babies grow up with only 4% of their calories from protein in breastmilk. If we take all these factors, I would say that we would thrive in a rainforest, where we would have to run a lot, eat fruit from trees, build shelter from storms and shit, outsmart a snake... in order for us to be a global species, we would have to move out of the rainforest and adapt to other climates, hence the keto, etc. Nowadays, it all boils down to what makes you feel good. What makes me feel the best is fruit and vegetables. If I would eat fish I would feel good at first, but later into the digestive process, I would suffer for it more than if I would have eaten a lot of bananas. I base my research on this and I chose this diet to feel good! Can you please share your bigger picture? You are now just criticizing details and I cant clearly see your big picture as of yet.
  9. @thesmileyone Gorillas and hippos have very large canines but they are herbivores. If we look at lions, they need a very short digestive tract to thrive on meat so that it wont rot in their bellies as meat wont move trough the gut very quickly because it does not contain any fiber. Our digestive tract is much longer than that. If we look at how humans are built and then remove 50k years of technology (to benefit the evolution argument) then where would humans thrive? They would be able to live in scandinavia, but not close to thriving.
  10. Refined sugar as an additive is represented by all the comments here previously, but we need to understand the root problem here. We, humans, thrive on carbs and sugar, our cells need either ketones or sugar to function, and the body naturally prioritizes carbs to be used as fuel! If we go back 100 thousand years on our evolutionary scale we would look pretty much the same as we do now, but without the technology, so how did we survive? Our best conditions would be in the tropics where it would not we as cold, and our best food to eat would be plants and fruits! I believe that these are the most optimal foods for human consumption. This year my staple diet has been plant-based with -rated by volume- 45% fresh fruit & berries, 10% legumes (Swedish young green peas for protein) 15% roots and tubers, 15% salad vegetables, 10% oatmeal, 5% other (fish, grains, sauces, added oil, nuts, honey, etc) Its pretty much 85/10/5 on calories. I live and thrive on sugar! But only sugar that is contained in water, nutrients, and fiber. The key for sugar not to be deadly is to contain it in fiber, so that the sugar won't get secreted into the blood rapidly, causing that insulin response which causes inflammation, low blood sugar, fatigue, obesity, etc. Take a Mango, it has like all the nutrients we need, perfect omega 3/6 ratio, fibers, sugar, and a lot of water! It's like the perfect food for humans. When you look at sugar without all the other stuff that the mango has, then the sugar seems deadly, but not when contained in the mango. People misunderstand this and conclude that sugar is bad without looking at the big picture. Connect the dots to understand what foods are optimal for us, why they are, how they are, how evolution plays into this etc. Check various sources. Check out "Sw3den" on youtube, then check out "Sweet natural living" for 2 radically different perspectives. Tips: Your body will crave sugar naturally, it needs sugar. Feed it fruits, not refined sugar, and your cravings will go away. Don't feed it starches because your body won't register it as sugar. A good replacement for all "quick snacks that kills those sugar cravings" are Medjool dates, and dried fruits such as dried mango, dried pineapple, dried figs, etc (watch out for added sugar!) If you feed your body refined sugar when you have a sugar craving, then the craving won't go away, because of the blood sugar being messed up. Don't get discouraged by the sheer volume of eating a fruitarian diet! Your belly will acclimate to it and it will be kind of a good thing, then you won't be able to feel full on calorie dense foods as easily and so you will learn stick to the fruits as you don't wanna eat 4000calories of junk food in one sitting. Make sure to eat a lot of fruits! As a growing active young man, I can eat 20 bananas in one sitting (blended) Make sure to find the cheapest and best fruits in your local area, you can buy bulk from the wholesale for cheap. Here in Sweden, I buy 18kg of bananas for 20$ and 10kg of mangoes for 20$
  11. Day 0 Yesterday I broke my 9-day streak after watching porn and today I gave into the caving of watching porn and playing with my genitals to pass time; a recipe for weaksauce. These relapses really felt unavoidable, yesterday I didn't do anything else than distract myself with an iPad, relaxing in a couch the rest of the day where I woke up at noon. Today I relapsed once for pretty much the same reasons. And so I have arrived at the crucial insight that I have to create momentum in my schedule, to get my habits going so that the distractions won't get to me, and I know that my motivation lies in me seeing how capable I am of doing this and succeeding this battle. I just need to get some momentum, get the actions flowing! I can as clearly as ever see how NoNut will become effortless with the support of my schedules. Im gonna walk my talk, just you wait. I am becoming more conscious, very slowly but steadily. Im at least getting more and more aware of how im deluding myself and of the lies that I spin. I attended a party the recent weekend which caused me to derail the momentum of 3 awesome days of work (topped off with an excellent piano performance within an orchestra, a life-changing experience within my music career.) Authenticity: At the party I tried to be more authentic because I started getting aware (intentionally) of the different masks I start wearing in different social situations, for example, if I talk my native language (Swedish) with my mother, that would represent one certain social mask that I can wear, and a different one would be the mask I wear when I talk to my sister, and another one is for my father, and another one is for when I talk English with friends at the party and some more masks appear when I change the dialect to Russian or Swedish or American (while still talking English). Now, which one of these is my authentic self? At one instance at the party I caucht myself being so "not myself" that I revolted. So, to get myself closer to my authentic self, I tried replicating my "neutral self", I put on the mask that I would wear when I would be talking to my mother, as I figured it would be more authentic based on how spontaneous that mask made me act... but how do I know that even that is "more authentic"? I guess my authentic personality lies prior to the masks I wear. Instead of representing myself through the mask, I represent the mask trough myself, in a more spontaneous way. I notice that I automatically wear my social masks when I feel a certain way, e.g I change dialect depending on my mood, depending on how I feel in that moment. I don't know the Truth, so I can not tap into true authenticity, but I intuit that I get closer to my true personality the more I stop lying. If I intentionally wear a mask, then im not authentic! Because then I put on a mask over my true personality. But if I take away all the masks, wont I just be silent? No! Because then I reveal my true face! What is a mask? Its actually a thought process that intends to spawn certain behaviors for a certain reason. If I let go of the mask (the thoughts) then Im more authentic! Why am I not the mask itself? Because im the observer of it. How does this translate into behavior? The fewer thoughts spawned while "behaving", the more authentic that behavior is. I found that the observing the thoughts that come up when I behave a certain way (rather than engaging within the thought stream), draws a line between my authentic self and the mask, and so by observing the mask, acknowledging it as a mask, dissolves it. "Being yourself" does not equal selfishness, these are actually the opposite!! If you are selfish, you will spawn and follow through on plans in your mind of how to serve yourself, and that makes you intentionally (unconsciously) engage in a certain behavior that serves that purpose, and that is just a mask you put on, the selfish mask. Being yourself = Being spontanious, not thinking, thoughtless behavior. The kinds of thoughts you can obey and engage in goes very deep. You can obey urges, you can obey intentions, you can obey deception and lies and not being authentic. True authenticity requires prenetrating the deepest lie into truth. Conscoiusness and antuehenticity goes hand in hand. I have loosened up, its almost as though im seeing trough my rigidness. I see that the rigidness is causing me suffering and so I just can't help but letting go of it. If I would wake up at noon 6 months ago, I would suffer immensely due to my self-imposed rigidness, but now if I would wake up at noon I would still probably achieve the same results that day as I would 6 months ago just without the suffering and rather with acceptance. Im not saying that im letting go of my habits and quitting, I still have my purpose in mind, im generally trying my best! Im just letting go of my self imposed negative motivation which causes me alot of suffering.
  12. Day 2: It is time for an update! Life: Being less rigid with this journal definitely helps! I realize that I don't need to post in this journal every single day if I don't feel like it, for this to be healthy I must prioritize practicality over self-imposed obligations. Previously I would feel guilty if I didn't post here because my initial commitment was to post here every day as I thought that posting in this accountability every day was what my success with NoNut hinged upon. I am growing out of that mindset, I am letting loose: If I start from the bottom up, doing my day without the guilt of "not doing enough" I see that I am actually savoring the moment much more and I feel much better doing every task! I must enter my schedule with a mindset that allows me to do the schedule on point, but also without having my daily success hinging on the schedule, not having to guilt myself into doing the schedule because -just as with this journal- I assumed that the schedule is the only thing that will motivate me to do these hard things. A schedule is actually just a certain structure I can impose on a day to make it as efficient as possible, but my motivation to do Kriya Yoga should not hinge upon the success of a schedule, because then the Kriya itself will become boring and soulless as my motivation lies in doing a schedule correctly, rather than what Kriya will directly benefit me with. Im still trying my best to do the schedules as that's the most efficient way, but what this period of failure has shown me is to appreciate my daily tasks for what they directly do for me because I have gotten more in touch with the suffering that arrives if I distract myself from doing my daily tasks. It's actually much easier for me to do a schedule rather than distracting myself the whole day long. It's just some fear to push through. NoFap: I have fapped to porn several times since the last update, but now im more in touch with the actuality of it rather than having a veil of guilt covering me from actually seeing for myself why PMO is bad! Writing less in this journal has definitely helped to remove the guilt to reveal the actuality of this addiction; If I fap, I tend to get more tired and drained, weaker and with less "Oumph!", doing my daily thing essentially becomes more difficult for me to do and while cravings come now and then but also a lot more thoughts of PMO permeating my consciousness, subconsciously driving me to perpetuate the addiction. As I see more of where this cycle leads me, I more naturally choose to let go of cravings and thoughts as I can more strongly anticipate the good life that lies beyond them. Im gonna work hard on my schedules, Im gonna wake up early tomorrow. A guy has moved into our apartment so out financial issues are resolved but also puts another atmosphere for me to work in. Summer is on its way! The breakthrough is slowly approaching as Im solving the roots of my problems.
  13. I just watched the movie "Leon" and I think it's my new favorite movie, I almost cried at the end, the movie is such a work of art. In a sense, I am just like Leon, sometimes I live my life without love, without enthusiasm, sometimes I do things, searching for something, searching for the taste of life. Mathilda in that movie showed Leon the taste of life and the force of love and she indirectly forced Leon to open himself up to that rather than keep being closed off by the rigid lifestyle he lived before. She gave him a taste of purpose, she showed him how to love and he developed a new taste for life! At this moment in my life, im so out of touch with that muse, out of touch with letting loose and opening myself up to love! I create these rigid rules that bound me, but in a sense, that is necessary for me to cultivate love in the first place, but in another sense, it makes me focus too much on the rules without considering the love, and that makes it all fall apart. I tend to cut many things out, I keep trying to avoid girls, porn, my family, my addictions, video games, even my work, just to keep my life in check. As im all alone on this journey, I am driven by the fear of letting loose, and as following certain rules with discipline is the ultimate freedom, sometime in the attempt of doing that I can't manage to set my love free. I sometimes see myself being strong and stoic, neutral and faceless, but I don't have the strength to be vulnerable and to love freely. Maybe I have misunderstood what my life is really about. Im just like Leon, confused, putting myself through these rigid rules trying to find my heart, dealing cards as a meditation... I want to love you, I want to love my family, my sister, myself, my fears, my addictions, I want to love death, I want to love what im doing! I want to be free, boundless to love everything. I guess this desire leads me all along, entrusting me into these rigid rules and schedules for the sake of love. I want to do exactly what I do now, but I want to love it! I want to live it, I want to see the beauty of it, I wanna cry, I want to express my love, I see how I have built everything to be on track to fulfill that, but the only one standing in the way is myself. I might have to die, making this come true. Killing myself for the sake of love... ahh, Leon <3