Igor82

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  1. Day 1&2: 1/10 & 3/10 As I edged with awareness on Saturday (My latest relapse), I really felt into it like never before. Usually, when we have a large amount of sexual energy, we always tend to be stuck in our heads thinking forwards, never actually feeling into the sensations. I feel like when I edged with awareness, I could clearly see the limitations of the sensations I felt, and this eliminated the mystery out of every craving or thought about PMO from that point on. I dont want to fap because I can see the limitations of it. Today I was productive, and I want to be as productive as possible tomorrow (I gotta go to sleep very soon so I cant put a lot of effort into this report), but this evening I wanted porn as I gave in to a sudden craving. My thought patterns said that I would not really experience too many aftereffects from just watching porn, "you won't fap anyways, so let's watch porn with awareness, just a little bit"... 5 minutes became 10 which became 30. I ended up browsing porn for about an hour, carefully observing my body and thoughts. Observations: The sensation of the sexual energy building up in my genitals was a feeling of pressure wanting to be released. The sexual energy in my head was directed towards perpetuating watching porn. The voice of my higher self that usually throws me the urge to just stop what im doing got suppressed as soon as it came. The images themselves were just mere colors, but the thoughts, the huge baggage of thoughts projected onto them made the whole thing seem tempting, like how I always seemed to project myself into the scene in an attempt to somehow make it seem more erotic. All of this in order to jerk off. What kept me looking, what kept me browsing? A lot of thoughts to keep browsing to be rewarded by the pleasure of the next image I lost track of time in this flow mode of browsing Any force that resisted this perpetuation of pleasure was overwhelmed and suppressed by thoughts, promises, and emotions. I had this "purpose" in the back of my mind that I was supposed to find "a certain image". I actually stopped watching the most erotic pictures in order for me to maybe find a better picture, or spend time doing that until I would return to the initial images. The goal was to get me to jerk off, but I wasn't gonna do it. Eventually, this sexual energy subsided. As I built up more tolerance to the images they became less and less appealing and suddenly I realized I have wasted an hour, so I stopped. I have been slacking off with my iron determination to kill off cravings with my breath and awareness, now its more like wooden-determination, but im always trying my best to quit this addiction, and im trying to stay as aware as possible while doing so. If it finally happens that I give in to a craving, at least my awareness will not betray me. Tomorrow my routine will grant me the strength to demolish any cravings (especially tomorrow), just you wait. Edit: To you Fapstronauts reading this, please don't find my relapses to be an excuse for you to find any motivation to relapse just because I did, that won't grow you. Im working very hard on this journey and for me, it's a lifelong commitment. My approach to this is completely dependent on my personal variables thus cannot be hinged on and defined by black & white relapses or a do-or-die accountability aid. Im outgrowing this addiction day by day, relapse by relapse, and you need to do it aswell. Don't narrow your commitment to just 90 days or to an accountability journal... make this your lifestyle! Make a lifelong commitment with a strong positive purpose behind it, and trust that awareness and time will then eventually summon your breakthrough.
  2. @Richard Alpert Wonderful! Im thrilled for you! Here is a poem for ya, keep this one close to heart: All you need is a dream and some time, And any mountain becomes and effortless climb As you’ll never know what’s ahead of you, you know a summit is waiting for you With billion steps taken without regrets, sometimes dirty, wounded and mean, the strongest journey abhors the largest dreams; the future is already foreseen.
  3. Day 1: 5/10 - Relapse Relapse Report: After writing yesterdays update here, I went and dismantled every negative thought that came up in my awareness. I was either neutral or delighted. I went out and had an awesome piano lesson and an awesome athletics session, then I even asked the authority there about the piano, and I got the phone number for the right person to talk to. When I came home, I didn't want to work. I just wanted to take a break, and so I didn't really do anything. I couldn't muster the motivation to be productive, so I smoked some weed to just relax and go to sleep early. I started to crave pleasure and I ended up sitting around eating some healthy snacks until midnight. In the bed I got overwhelmed by fantasies, and I didn't find a compelling reason to resist them so I went along and fantasized, and I started edging, after a while of doing that, I suddenly asked myself the question "I can either cum now, or I can let go of all thoughts and all actions and just go to sleep and see what happens", and so I went to sleep, and it felt like I have conquered a good experience When I woke up, the same thing happened, no motivation. I edged with awareness, and the only thing that kept me away from orgasm was that if I orgasmed, I would have to write this pathetic report on in my accountability journal. I stopped what I was doing, got out of bed and started with my day. I went on to clean my room, and while doing so I had this genius idea of penetrating the vacuum cleaner hose, and so I did. That idea seemed to be more compelling than my plans to go on and make my day successful without any interruptions and so I ended up relapsing, completely out of touch with my motivations at that moment. Epilogue: At least I relapsed with as much awareness as possible. Compared to older relapses, this one, even though I was completely out of touch with my motivations, felt much more unattractive than usual. Usually, any way to relapse would be attractive and mysterious, but today my mind went through all possibilities such as watching porn, all ways of orgasming etc, and they all seemed to be unattractive ... "But they are still pleasurable!!" Yes, but if I get aware enough of how my mind behaves just after relapsing, I feel like I will have an easier time justifying not to reach down and touch dick. Today's problem was that I just didn't want to work, that id rather experiment with my dick for a while rather than starting my day, and even though I would make up my mind to go and work, I felt like I could fit in a little experiment just before doing it! "Oh, it doesn't matter, you can work afterward anyway! And you can always relapse with awareness, and try to be aware of how this affects you afterward, lets jerk off!" It's really tricky stuff. I think a part of the reason was that I woke up late today as I went to sleep late, and so I couldn't have the structure of a schedule to pull me out of stagnation, but most importantly, I didn't really desire to work, thus the desire to fap became stronger. Now as im writing this, I did have a good day, I took a cold shower right after the relapse, I did my morning routine and now im ready to go to my cleaning job, come home early and finally wake up early tomorrow! Im still in touch with eliminating my negative thoughts just like yesterday, but now im suffering from impatience and boredom because of the relapse, it sucks. FeelsBadMan Action steps Wake up early tomorrow Strategizing session: Set up short-term goals If only I can work harder and get to see some results again, get my schedule back on track and get in touch with my short-term goals, then I feel like I will get back in touch with the initial motivations that I had when starting this journal. Im working on it, day by day. Its hard, but its alright, the breakthrough will come, there is no question about it, I just gotta do the work.
  4. @TheAvatarState Thank you for this insight! It has become very very useful<3; Day 2 - 2/10: Relapse (Read the trip report, the juicy NoFap insight written at the "Insights" section) This was definitely the most worthwhile relapse I have ever had. The 3 keys for killing off the addiction: Constantly being aligned with a purpose thus only thinking about how to live the best life Letting go of thoughts of the addiction by always looking forward in the direction of your purpose, never beating yourself up after a relapse aka not thinking about the addiction. Transmuting sexual energy to overcome hornyness.
  5. Forewords: I have found that plugging 5-MeO-DMT oxalate required alot more substance for me to feel any effects from it. I plugged 35mg's. My set and setting was really good, I did my morning routine and I wanted to keep on with my day until I found myself in the perfect setting to trip on 5-MeO, so I took the opportunity and I dont regret doing that. Even though I felt like I was supposed to do stuff, and I felt like "My ego was active and big", it didnt turn out to be a hindrance. I fasted for 36 hours prior to the experience (initially for health reasons). I got okay with the fact that I was gonna die, and I felt excited for my death. I was full of energy, while I grounded up the 5-MeO and dissolved into the water. After administration, I went and laid down comfortably on my bed with my limbs extended, opening myself up for any experience. I felt fear during the comeup, and it really stung in my butt, I surrendered into the sensations. My heart started to pump faster Suddenly, my awareness just shifted, and went up 10x to a peak meditative state, and this made me much more aware of my body and the body load. That made me start breathing more heavily and I felt just a little terror and fear coming up. I surrendered. I did also have some thoughts of like "this is it his is what I wanted" I felt satisfied with the level of awareness I experienced, but now after the trip I can definitely assure that this awareness could have gone much higher in terms of satisfaction. I suddenly calmed down, and 15 minutes into it, the pain the my butt was subsided, all fear was gone, along with the heavy breathing and pumping heart. I was left with this surge of awareness, where I was constantly aware of all that was happening, I got aware of all the thoughts that came up. I felt a little more connected to everything, but there were no non-duality or ego death. The ego was definitely there, and it throwed me a very very compelling urge to jerk off, and so I did, while being very aware of it. The orgasm was so laughably different than what the craving displayed that I got this sense of liberation, which caused me to have amazing surge of masculine energy, I felt like I could do anything; I could plug another 60mg's, I could go run a marathon, lift a mountain etc. This masculine energy probably came from an inner liberation that I sensed as I got this feeling of certainty that this craving will never be able to seduce me ever again! I felt very liberated that even though im struggling with nofap, and this relapse would make me feel guilty, I actually felt good, like "This was worth the experience, and why thehell should I cry over spilled milk? Lets move on with life!!" I felt alive like never before, but this energy was not satisfying by any means, it was more like "I could do anything on order to get something, so by definition, the energy would not satisfy me. I tried surrendering, I attempted meditation and self-inqury during the peak (I was fully able to move around, dont get me wrong), and I would have gone pretty deep unless I had this impatience to go do something, to release my energy, I ended up satisfying my hunger for food by eating a couple of pineapples. Insights: Taking care of the body is paramount, paramount in how you will feel in the body and what kinds of thoughts will be thrown at you. If the body is not properly taken care of, then doing personal development would be like trying to stop a flood with a towell. If the body is in its peak state, trancendence of the body will be much easier (This is counter-intuitive) The key to release an addiction is to not think about it! If you think, crave it or fantasize about it, then you will attract it. When a thought of the addiction arises, sit with the thought, permeate it with your awareness until it disappears, but also make sure that you have your mind and thoughts directed at something elise! If you will have 10k thoughts arise during your day and you're a heroin addict, it would be much more beneficial for you to direct your resources at something thats worth working for, rather than just sitting on a couch and having all those thoughts be unavoidably focused on your addiction, as your not doing anything anyways. Its much easier to get rid of an addiction if what you are thinking about is actually not the addiction, rather how to live the best life possible. Permeate your thoughts with your purpose (by taking action on it!) while also letting go of thinking about your addiction until you wont have a single thought about the addiction anymore, and only then, it is transcended. Yes, you can sit on the couch and let go of every single thought until there is no thought left = the addiction is gone, or; You can permeate whatever thoughts you have with the purpose of authentic eudaemonia rather than hedonism, so that you stop thinking about your addiction = the addiction is gone. Summary: This experience was very beneficial, and I feel like I know the proper set and setting, the proper mindset and the proper way to surrender. Plugging was indeed very very smooth, I have now a new sense of how alive I can feel if I just think differently about life, and next time I will administer 45mg's the same way, expecting terror torture and death.
  6. @TheAvatarState Thanks for reminding me and thank you for the tips! Its really funny how I chose to not open myself up for the love you are gave me there, I kind of took the prior comment you wrote as an offence, like "I know this better than him, its my journey, who thefuck is this guy?" Now this little shift happened as I actually noticed the impact of your words, and I greatly appreciate the time you have taken to give me your perspective on things and the love you have put into those words! Why cant I receive your gifts with love, whatever those gifts are? Why do I sit here being negative? Lets say that my mother comes into my room and tells me to go to sleep, then I can either say "Fuckoff, im watching anime, stop bothering me" or I can say "Hey, thanks mom, I should actually go to sleep. Thanks for being so kind and reminding me of that, I love you, goodnight" Really tricky stuff how you look at things. Thank you man, I love you forever <3 I have really digested the love within your words (and the tips themselves ofc), and im grateful for your concern. I just wanted to let you know
  7. @TheAvatarState I actually like that I have a 180day goal, it does not discourage me because I know I can reach it. What is required is that I shape my life and my mindset so that I can focus on other stuff with enough vigor for me to completely forget about PMO, and I know that breakthrough is coming. I have previously done this before about a year ago with a6 month streak and I know I can do it again. This is not anymore the hardcore do-or-die challenge that I initially signed up for, this is more like a journey and I gotta be strategic in order to succeed. Day 1: 4/10 Today was one of those days. I woke up late, slept enough and felt good in my body. I had no schedule, so after I cleaned my room, I was supposed to do my Kriya yoga and then go fulfill and awesome day, but I got distracted by my laptop. Watching youtube got pretty boring after a while, but I still just wanted to escape the fact that I gotta do the difficult Kriya. I couldn't muster my strength sit down and actually do it and I would rather watch another video, then another video... And so I started to get cravings for porn. I did sit with a couple of cravings, but I sat there on the couch ready to watch another video, so sitting with cravings didn't do much to change my situation, so they kept coming. Eventually I chose to go and watch some porn images, and after briefly watching 5 of them, I had enough, I felt like I have satisfied the urge, no need to watch anymore porn, so I went back to watching youtube videos. And so, more cravings came, there were no logical reason for me to give into the craving as I knew all too well of what was gonna happen as I remembered my last experience with porn and how it crushed my masculinity, but as I was in a cycle of distraction anyways, what more harm would it do to watch some more porn? So I gave in to the cravings again, and eventually I watched porn for about and hour although really mindfully. The porn really didn't resonate with me, I kept asking myself "what the hell am I doing?". As my lust to do any other activity was diminished by the constant urge to distract myself, I kind of felt sad about what was happening. I waited for my strength to return, for a strong calling to get back on track overwhelm me, but I really didn't want to do the Kriya! Eventually I stopped watching the porn out of being disgusted, and I instead went to the kitchen and had some conversations with my mother. I do not consider this as a relapse as I didn't touch my dick, and watching the porn was a very eye-opening experience for me. Strategy: My feeling of being productive really hinges on my schedule. I cant feel productive if I know I gotta meditate. Either im being productive or im distracting myself from being so. The meditation is key here because if I would have done this super-mandatory and quite difficult task of the day, then I would feel liberated and free to really be productive. Transmuting my sexual energy in that situation wouldn't really matter as I would just keep sitting around watching youtube anyways. The transmutation of sexual energy wouldn't do any difference as it would be directed towards distracting myself. My sense of being on track with life is not very present, and my passion is not strong enough. Im working on this, but unless im getting more passionate about life, days like these are unavoidable. This is why I sense a breakthrough coming, because im getting closer and closer to finding my true path in life. If I can completely focus on my lifestyle, I know that I can win this challenge, but how can I avoid situations like these, where the day has gone so bad that im prone to self sabotage? If a day goes bad and I feel like distracting myself rather than meditating, then I will push the meditation up my schedule (maybe to the evening), so I can feel liberated to do something more productive instead. I have to avoid sleep-deprivation. I suspect that I felt good in my body and ready to be productive today because I had slept enough the night prior. I will learn the sexual energy transmutation so that I can combo the killing of my addiction with my life purpose even more. Action steps: - Implement these, and im unstoppable. Being more flexible with my meditation session in days of feeling unmotivated. Focus on going to sleep earlier Prioritise reading the sexual energy transmutation book
  8. Day 10: 3/10 & Relapse This one was unavoidable, @TheAvatarState probably predicted this. Plugged 17mg's of 5-MeO (not that intense), and on the peak I touched my dick by mistake and it felt good, so I kept doing that, eventually I relapsed. I was very aware of what happened, I have never masturbated while being this aware: My motivations to stop fapping in that moment were not present. There was no "higher-self voice" that told me to stop, or no thought or emotion that told me to stop either. But, what was my motivation to fap at that moment? I kind of wanted to transmute the sexual energy from my dick into my heart, so I started breathing into the sensations. Eventually thoughts of reaching an orgasm started to overwhelm me, so I tried doing so while not breathing, and it was... intense. In that moment, I had a reason to fap. It was like that in the back of my mind I deeply knew that just fapping and orgasming would leave me unfulfilled and that its not worth it, so my mind wanted to find a reason for me to actually make the orgasm beneficial in some way. Often, the motivation is to relapse in a different way than before (experiment mindset), and this time I had the good reason to actually transmute the sexual energy into my heart as I was much more aware of what was going in my present moment. In that moment after the orgasm, I felt good, I felt calm and no worries, but I would very soon become aware of how weak and sapped I have become after the relapse, the mind then went and put me in a more negative state, and I got more thoughts about watching porn during the day, but I didnt give into them. I feel like now after that relapse I have gotten more aware of the process that is going on, and the negative side-effects of a relapse, but this brute force awareness approach takes a very long time to be integrated, so lets be a strategic motherlover: I need to eliminate the reasons for why im fapping in the first place, so that I wont find a reason to continue fapping when I for example touch my dick while being unaware of my motivations, even better is to eliminate the reasons I give into cravings in the first place. One of the ways to do this is to constantly focus on my LP, so that my compelling reason is to not distract myself from my work + create suffering. Another way is that I can start to actually study the real techniques of transmuting sexual energy so that one of my big reasons to "experiment with my dick" will be eliminated, and so that I can keep my sexual energy in check so that it does not accumulate in the head or genitals and make me horny and prone to relapse. I shall stop thinking about NoNut, thinking about it makes me attract it, and I normally worry about relapse. Like I did recently, I will automatically think about my purpose when a thought about NoNut appears, so that I dont attract a relapse. This is maybe why many of my days on the last streak were really easy ones. Ahh man, life is hard, I should stop fooling around and go ham on life.
  9. @outlandish Thank you. I will try grounding it up. I researched the saturation of salt, and its like 35 parts to 100 parts. I was very mindful of the saturation as I tried mixing the substance, as I added more water (drop by drop), I started to suspect that the actual slowness of the substance dissolving is making me think that the solution is saturated! I thought of heating it up, thanks for the conventional method (which I didn't think of). If someone walk in to the room and sees me holding a spoon and a lighter under it, sitting there on my bed, staring very seriously at the spoon like it was life and death, with a syringe on the floor along with a rubber band and a baggie of powder, and im sitting there on my bed shaking and sweating, man... they would never ever understand
  10. @Arthur Thank you very much for this reply! I can actually ground up the powder to make it more soluble, I didn't think of that... I actually became really happy after the trip, I have not had a single suicidal thought for a very long time, but this started to really creep up on me. As you say, the irritability of my situation got enhanced, and as I kind of was in a sloppy situation before the trip, the trip made it all worse. Before the second trip, I contemplated if I really wanted to know myself, if I really wanted to do this, and this sense of passion and came forth, this strong desire like "fuck yeah!!" I really really want to know who I am. Even if this intent is kind of contradicting the purpose of this mission (killing myself), I feel like this intent will bring me the proper action that will ultimately lead me trough the terror. The next trip will be 35mg's of ground up salt and I expect torture... well, why not get tortured on a sunny day, in a clean room full of energy after a good mornin' kriya yoga eh? A very good help for me to overcome this "enlightenment contradicting my purpose" is to actually live life like I would live to become 80 years old. If ill die tomorrow, ill die on track on my purpose, I dont mind, its out of my control. If the 5-MeO leaves a corpse, well shit, "I" got what I wanted, my purpose demanded me that, and I stayed on track to the very last moment.
  11. I plugged 17mg's with proper administration. The tip made me more aware, but not as strongly as the 10mg's, but I got into a meditative state. My ass hurt a lot and the body load was noticeable, almost like my body faded away like when going into sleep paralysis. I surrendered completely, but this was not as significant as I expected it to be, so I wanted to take another dose and get higher. Afterwards I researched a bit about tolerance, optional ways of plugging, I rewatched Leo's plugging guide, then I went on and weighted out 26 mg's and started dissolving that into water. Dissolving the substance I got (supposed to be 97% purity oxalate) into water was very hard. I sat there mixing for 40 minutes with a total of 0.7ml of water needed to dissolve 90% of it. The substance is very evenly shaped, much like tiny pellets, like processed table salt. I went and got the solution up my syringe and plugged it flawlessly, I let the syringe rest there for a couple of minutes and I took it out and proceeded to lay down comfortably on a prone position. I felt myself getting excited, and during the come-up, the bed I laid on felt like it was morphing under by body, like it was fluid and moving around. I surrendered as much as I could... My heart was pounding quite fast and I started getting just a little uncomfortable in my body, like when you dont find the right spot in the bed, but then this subsided and I was left with this meditative state that I have described before. I did feel myself merging a tiny bit with my surroundings, like how Leo gets you to do in his guided meditation, but nothing more. I took the 26 mg dose out of a position of need, like I was escaping the fact that the 17mg's failed, and during the "peak" of the 26mg's I started feeling depressed, and briefly suicidal, I actually had some suicidal thoughts. I felt like the meaning of my life was gone, I felt disappointed about the trips and my commitments, I felt sad, I started to doubt and get depressed. I tried to do a love visualisation, where I would imagine coming forth and console myself like a loving mother, but it was very very hard for me to summon love. I knew that this was likely to be from the trip, but I was not motivated to fully surrender into it as I assumed that the trip was not going to get any deeper. My reality became negative. As I felt drained, the pain in the butt became much worse. It felt like I was constantly being fucked without lube. It was very bearable, dont get me wrong, but it was hard tolerating that for an hour, and I guess I could handle this much better if I took the 26mg's right away without waiting and taking it when already feeling drained. I quickly pulled myself out of this state by drinking some water, cleaning up and finally eating some food. I have now learn that unless a second trip is the breakthrough dose, I will feel very drained and disappointed afterwards, due to that I have to wait for the tolerance to subside, hence I cant eat and drink during the wait, etc. Next time, im either gonna plug 35mg's or snort 17mg's. As @Azrael has much experience with snorting and @Arthur has experience with plugging large quantities of 5-MeO, I would also like to hear some thoughts from you guys specifically! Thank you for reading! A response is received by much love!
  12. Quantum mechanics debunks materialism part 1 What is perception What is consciousness
  13. Ground yourself, close your eyes and connect to love, it does not have to be much, but try to connect to it, feel it in your heart. Become aware of the room, and visualize yourself sitting there. Now observe yourself sitting there, now from another place in the room. Come forth as yourself in the vision and hug yourself, come forth with your love, and feel yourself sparking with love for yourself. Come forth like a soothing mother to yourself sitting there and give yourself the biggest hug, the most fierce, passionate, loving and vulnerable hug ever. Feel your heartbeat, and feel it synchronize with yourself, feel it permeate your existence and feel it fill it up with love. Love yourself for who you are, for whatever you are feeling. Love yourself unconditionally. Get back and ground yourself in your body, and visualize yourself feeling sad (a scenario might show up), and apply your love to that, the same love that you gave yourself when sitting there. Accept yourself for who you really are, apply understanding, acceptance, and love. Summon love to all aspects of yourself. Visualize yourself crying alone, on a dark night. Come forth and give yourself everything you got. If you feel uncomfortable while visualizing this, love the discomfort to death! Its alright, you are safe, it's alright, it's alright. I wish I could show up and give you an unconditional hug, feel your heartbeat, look into your eyes... im here, it's alright, don't worry, please don't worry. @phoenix666
  14. @phoenix666 Thank you for writing this, it gets me very, very inspired. I (try to) visualize infinite love every morning, and some love comes from that, and so I go on and think that infinite love is "like this and like that, along these lines..." but then I read your report and realize that if its so huge that words, not even imagination matters at all... then its a mystery that gets makes me deeply inspired!! It's funny when I read such experiences my heart always wrenches and the ego revolts, I get very inspired when trying to resonate with the words, as it shatters my certainty and presents a huge (I intuit very, very, very important) mystery, which presents new expectations. I was actually afraid to revisit this post and read it as it just shatters the thoughts I cling to of what the results of the work will be. It shatters a little part of my ego every time, and it leaves a huge question mark to be pursued, a question mark I deeply desire to know as I have no clue of what I am! A big, fat question mark sparks me much more curiosity than a (certain) thought of what the truth might be like. I will still cling to thoughts but having the expectation that they're all way off the mark is very powerful and inspiring for me. Thanks for helping me seek more ferociously, im very grateful for your attempt to articulate this.