Igor82

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About Igor82

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  • Birthday 07/09/2002

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  1. @Sharp Id suggest attempting to overdose on your 5-MeO, that would give you the whole shebang but also a chance to come back! You don't wanna risk reincarnation, do you?
  2. @Leo Gura Welcome back!! I feel so lucky to have you here, missed you a lot. There is something about what you say that puts everything in the right direction, it takes all problems and doubts out of the way while still keeping the ego in check. Love it!!!
  3. Leo Gura Doing my morning routine at night Some 5-MeO collecting dust in my closet Winter My piano teacher
  4. @Wisebaxter Back in the days I used to go to the school toilet and try to find that "perfect fantasy" that would get me off. I would usually sit there for an hour or so during the breaks. I don't do much intentional masturbation to fantasizing, sometimes I do the visualization itself but I have never really tried both at the same time, I highly doubt it will benefit me. But what did benefit me back when I did my last 6-month streak (ending about a year ago) was "spiritual masturbation" which is masturbation without thinking but rather to feel into it as much as possible, doing it slowly. After I have not watched porn for 6 months, the only faps I did was these "spiritual faps" which then just made me realize that it was not worth it! Maybe I should incorporate this method again. Nowadays I never give myself leeway to fap intentionally, I usually relapse only if my willpower to resist it runs out... @Marinus Contemplation: It's like fear of mine, and even if I'm streaking, even if my schedule goes all well, there is this nagging fear in the back of my mind, a fear of relapse, the fear of waking up in a rut. It seems like I'm treating a relapse like the end of the world, maybe because I'm treating a streak like the only thing that will bring me to my dreams. Why? It seems like I'm so out of touch with my authentic purpose that I have assigned the source of my strength to NoFap rather than the positive motivation of my purpose. If I would truly be living my life purpose I would be streaking but even if I would relapse to porn one day, that would not hinder my motivation to work! But right now, it does. If I relapse nowadays its because my work is so damn difficult that I sometimes need to escape it, but doesn't that mean that the fault lies in the difficulty of my work rather than the actual relapse itself? Maybe. If I apply a strong sense of purpose into my work then I can see myself working more without thinking about PMO all the time because I can trust that my purpose is always more preferable! I can trust that ultimately the good will prevail. Why do I fear a relapse? Because I know that im capable of diluting myself into one, but why is that not okay? If I relapse, I feel back at square one, maybe it is that I'm banging my head against the wall but not seeing any progress in what I'm doing, and so the only way I see the progress is in how many days I have not fapped, because that means that my purpose is "finally prevailing!" I'm trying to do everything all at once, its either a perfect schedule or a bad day, I'm still working on getting that morning routine to work and that has hindered me to do the crucial work that comes after the morning routine is done, and its precisely in that work which I am measuring my results, and I have not done that work for like a month now. Im doing the Kriya every single day which in turn backlashes me back into oblivion. But im progressing, this needs to be done, there is no way around it. This is much harder than I thought it would be, but its just a matter of time. Action steps: Prioritizing my life purpose work, prioritizing visualization, attempting to implement leeway for spiritual masturbation rather than a porn relapse, keep trying really hard. Regarding your question though, maybe it would be helpful if I would keep my posts shorter as I also have some emotional labor attached to writing these posts, and that makes me think about them more. If I would just write about the most valuable insights that I get rather than trying to update the journal for the sake of the audience then that would be much easier, I'm gonna try to do this right now actually: Day 0 I relapsed 3 times the last 3 days. one of them was really insightful, the other ones were me distracting myself. I did spiritual masturbation where I completely surrendered my genitals, my body was really relaxed and it felt like my penis didn't even exist, I completely surrendered all that tension. This made me last much longer, but I can also see the potential of this! What resulted from this was just the regular old pleasure, but as I was grounded at the moment without using the pleasure to escape something, I could see how useless the pleasure was! The real potential of the erection lies in how much love you can fill your partner with, in that bed full of electricity and passion. But even that scenario is not that useful... for a man, he would always prefer his purpose, and at that moment I could see how that made sense. For the last few days, my awareness has increased by a lot. The Kriya yoga is paying off, and now I can see how the ego tries to suppress that awareness! I can see how I'm trying to backlash myself every day. My problem is definitely distraction, but that comes from my work being so grueling and life-changing. But I can't half-ass the work! I need to keep doing just like this until it gets easier or something. Just gotta keep going, I'm not giving up, I'm just weak at the moment. Stronger on Monday though, I promise.
  5. @Wisebaxter The issue is porn, yes, but nutting would make me crave porn! The issue with porn is that it locks me into the addiction, it makes my mind geared towards pursuing porn and preferably nothing else, and that creates a lot of friction. Porn makes me crave PMO much more. But if I nut in of itself (considering that I nut and nothing else) then that would not have too much of an impact, (nutting every week or so). The issue with nutting (for me) is that its a gateway for porn, but it also keeps me away from enjoying the benefits of nonut. I have tried just nutting as a way to solve my addiction, and that actually lead me to streak! But at the moment, I feel like solving my lifestyle problems will hit 2 birds with one stone. I feel like it will make me streak but also get me on track with my purpose at the same time, so Im going for NoNut rather than NoPorn. Day 1: 4/10 Today was one of those days again. I woke up late with no motivation at all to do anything (I went to sleep later than anticipated the night before with food in my belly), but I didn't relapse! Even though it was just as tempting as the day before. I have learned my lesson and so I was a little more productive than the day before. I had some more of those special cravings I mentioned yesterday, but I got out of them. This feels much like an ego-backlash, but ill keep trying. This time I will go to sleep without food in my belly, waking up to a good schedule for tomorrow. I have observed that one of my core strengths is that I can not do something the same way over and over again if it does not work, but even if it does work, im always focused on improving what im doing in one way or another. I always need to find a new and better way of doing things if I see that what im doing is not working. I am essentially going out of my way to not do the same mistake over again without gaining any benefit from doing so, im in this constant need for growth, wanting to learn how to do things properly. "Learning" is one of my core strengths.
  6. Day 11: 6/10 - Relapse Leading up to day 11 has was easy, 1/10, but this was "one of those days". It's quite funny, because those days are usually the lowest point of consciousness Ill reach on my journey nowadays. Leading up to today though, I revisited the video games, I wanted to have some fun on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I like to play Minecraft as I have some decent skills and knowledge about the game, but also as it is multiplayer-based and in certain servers you can enjoy great success if you are good enough. For example, some servers are made to soothe your ego, they value fame, economy and material growth, and as there are other players there with you, it feels real. I ended up doing really great within the server (and if you do good enough they will pay you money), and I worked on it for 15 hours across 2 days. It sapped my strength and after the sessions, I experienced a lot of suffering, because I essentially over-used the video games in order to distract myself, but I had to face reality at some point. I deleted the game soon enough and left with a couple of insights: The in-game success (even though I got on 2 hours as much as a normal player would get in 1 month) is not fulfilling. The best moment of the game was actually when I gave all of my stuff away to the other players as I had enough of the game. It felt good being praised in game and such, but as I observed myself in the heat of that moment, I was not really fulfilled, I actually suffered. Being a success machine was grueling work! It was not fun, it was pretty boring, to say the least. Pursuing maximum success ain't fun. My real life success (within my schedules) is magnitudes more fulfilling than playing the game. Of course! I'm just staring at a screen escaping reality, the success I had there only felt neurotic. So, I woke up late today without the motivation to do anything at all, and I noticed a hidden craving taking place. I wanted to fantasize. This craving was like an ordinary urge, but then it got kind of embedded into my subconscious as a mission, as a path I'm committing to. It felt as though I would have to do something else quickly or else It would lead myself into a relapse. But I was not conscious enough in that moment and so went on to fantasize, then on to touch my dick, and then I relapsed. But it all began with that single urge, coming forth in my weakest moment. I can see myself being able to resist the urge, only if I had enough motivation to do something else. Then I cleaned myself up, but I had to do the Kriya yoga, and it was 3 pm, which made me feel that I would not achieve anything else that day, it made me feel that the Kriya would not be worth it, so I decided to escape it, and once again that urge came, that subconscious craving came forth for me to go watch youtube on my laptop in order for me to eventually watch porn. And so I went along the same old patterns and wasted 1-hour watching porn and eventually relapsing into it. The relapse there was so that I could just take myself out of the loop and go for a run because I knew that I would not be able to stop otherwise. What have I learned? Well, I now intimately know that if I'm weak enough to give in to the urge, then I have lost, then I'm not gonna be able to summon the strength to get out of the loop, by the same reasons I got into the loop in the first place, so, I need to commit to my schedule even more, at least wake up early as this has been a persisting problem the last few days that has severely crippled me. I have also implemented much stronger distraction limitations that will buy me more time if I even find myself in the claws of a subconscious urge again. I know that I will commit to this and solve the problem, and thus I know that "one of those days" will actively be prevented. As "one of those days" is the only thing that will make me relapse (sub 10 days), I know that I will be streaking pretty soon. Then I will meet the next threshold barrier which will be the deficiency need of sex, but I will deal with that soon as well (sexual transmutation; I will sill NeverNut).
  7. Day 6 & 7: 1/10, 2/10 Life: Yesterday I woke up late and went to sleep really late, but not due to distracting myself too much, I actually worked that night. Before that, I ate at this restaurant called Koizen, its a high-end omekase sushi restaurant here in Sweden, and I paid 100$ for the whole thing. The experience was life changing, worth every penny. When you are present and aware in that kind of an atmosphere, you are in for a playful and living adventure. That experience has opened doors of new potential for me in regards to cooking, but also my capacity to enjoy the beauty of food! I have this bad habit of mindlessly eating my meals, turning a blind eye to the potential of enjoying the incredible feminine energy the food experience has to offer!! This is also probably what makes me so frustrated, unconscoisly and constantly turning a blind eye to the embracement of the infinite potential of feminine energy that reality holds around me. NoFap: Has been going smoothly. I had a couple of cravings today that actually was not related to distraction. I didnt get swayed by this and instead started to focused completly on the task at hand (My weekly cleaning job), and without the distracting thoughts, I was able to connect into a quite fulfilling and playful and insightful flow! This experience motivates me even more to double down on doing complete and successful schedules, because I know that the schedules are constructed perfectly by me, for me to induce flow and playfulness!
  8. @Wisebaxter Plugging is easy when you know what you are doing, it's quite quick to prepare as well. You only need needle-less syringes and then only some kitchen tools to make it work. If you can't do that then you can always snort the 5-MeO which is efficient by itself, but plugging is far superior compared to it. Here are my other 5-MeO reports if you feel engaged:
  9. I can't really say that this is "sub-breakthrough" as I yet have no clue how deep the hole goes, but this was definitely more powerful than my previous Medium doses. The night before: I had a critical insight after snorting 15mg's of 5-MeO (due to a calling from the higher self) the night before and it was that I am much more ready for 5-MeO than I would initially think. How prepared you are for a psychedelic is always something you feel in the now, whether it is a concept or a physical/emotional sensation. But realize that your readiness for the substance does not reside within a concept! Its a feeling, it's a calling, but not an idea like: (oh, im ready for 5-MeO now because I have been tripping on mushrooms 3 times now and have meditated for 3 months until now). You must have the calling at the moment, and that comes from your heart, its an emotional thing, and that is the best preparation you can have at any moment. ROA, Plugging: Let me elaborate a bit on how I administered the substance. I have done some research and I stumbled upon this article which presented a new way of plugging, and after I bought some lube and practiced ways to make the administration more efficient, I felt ready again to plug: I ground up the oxalate salt, weighted out 30mg, poured that into a spoon, added .6 ml of water, heated the spoon with a lighter, mixed well, added water-based lube and sucked up the solution into a needle-less 1ml syringe with tape wrapped around the half of its length. Then I stood up, dipped the syringe in the lube and plugged the syringe, I squirted in the substance over a span of 7 seconds with my anus completely relaxed and after that, I went on to sit on the couch. I had no expectations for this dose, and I didn't know what was going to happen. The administration method was new, but the dose was far less than what I have taken before to achieve a medium dose. The trip: After 5-10 minutes of waiting with my eyes closed and with an open relaxed posture in symmetry on my couch, I noticed the familiar dark thoughts appearing, shortly thereafter as I surrendered I felt my awareness rising, and with that came an odd sensation of my sense of self getting distorted; imagine sitting in your asana and suddenly the physical sensations of your body starts wobbling, like the way you conceive the shape of your body at that moment, rapidly changes. For me, the sensations of my body started changing its location, my body became much smaller or much wider, it started morphing and shifting in size and shape. Along with this came certain thoughts, depicting how the body looked like at that moment, and these thoughts showed how my body was morphing and how my sense of self was shrinking, like the thought of "me" (my self-image) being morphed just like the sensation of my body, getting smaller and smaller, its hard to describe how the thoughts were depicting this. The body started becoming more insignificant, almost like it shrunk from the size of the original body into the size of a pea, and then this aura of awareness started permeating where the body before taking place, like how my body shrinks to 1% of its size and then awareness comes along and permeates the other 99% of the space that was previously occupied by the sense of self. As this started to happen my heart started racing vigorously. I started breathing heavily and I tried my best to surrender. In that moment I could see how one could cling on to their sense of self while it was shrinking like this, by projecting the observer into the shrinking little body, trying to expand it again and resist the death of it, resisting the experience, at that moment I especially chose to surrender completely into the experience instead of trying to cling. Fear started arising, fear of death, fear of losing control, fear of the unknown, but also along with some excitement; if I just could keep surrendering I would know the truth! I was also able to successfully summon love in that moment of fear, which helped me to surrender the clinging. But the experience, unfortunately, didn't get deeper than this. After a short while, the normal sense of the body was regained and the fear and breathing stopped. I was just left with this marvelous awareness, this calmness that spawned a large amount of love and playfulness, and with that, I got out of the couch to play some piano and I immediately went into the flow falling in love with it. The love I felt for that selfless playing was unlike anything before. Then I also spend 20 minutes adoring myself in the mirror, making out with the mirror, enjoying being aware of how beautiful the body is. That moment felt completely authentic as if I would not think twice about licking the mirror. The awareness subsided about an hour after the fear subsided, and I was back at normal about 1h and 15 minutes after administration. Insight: Awareness is the most worthwhile "thing" to pursue. It's paramount to become aware of yourself! Of the body, of your neuroticism, of your purpose, of your needs and wants, of your economy, of your self-deceptions and lies, of the beauty of reality, of the true Self, etc. Awareness is the essence of all these things! And you can't really be happy without awareness. In a moment during the trip, I could clearly see the importance of raising consciousness. Next time I have the calling I will administer 36mg's the same way as I did now. I can see where this is going, the sense of self will get blasted into a million pieces or something like that. As a wise man once said: "You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow."
  10. @Wisebaxter I have not really had the opportunity to take modafinil effectively since I last wrote about it. I need to take it early morning for it to wear off in the evening or else I just can't stop engaging myself in things that will keep me up, hence preventing me from waking up early the next day. IM working on this, I will soon enough produce some reports. Im though interested in microdosing my LSD in order to take playful breaks, to make my break days more high quality. I find that microdosing LSD is not too efficient for the work im doing at the moment. My opinion: I suggest to not delay having 5-MeO available, the journey begins when you receive it in your mailbox! Because then you open the door for your higher self to call for it. You can keep it in your closet for 6 months without your higher self calling for you to start experimenting with it, but I suggest having it available in case you one day feel like you can really benefit from it. Im gonna go and write a trip report on my recent 5-MeO trip which was initiated (after a long break) by a sudden call for it combined with the availability, and im very grateful that I had that opportunity and availability. Of course, follow your heart. If you're scared that the 5-MeO baggie will open the closet and crawl up your butt to murder you in the middle of the night then follow your heart and go for the lesser psychedelics which don't possess to divine powers to haunt your dreams late at night.
  11. Day 2, 3, 4, 5: 1/10 Life: is harder then I thought it would be, trying to revive my schedules that would be. I have developed this habit of entertaining myself up until late at night, where I would then cause myself to wake up late to a predictable grueling day of trying to pack all my tasks into 9 hours before needing to optimally go sleep again, but through experience I know that those days are not enjoyable as I don't wake up with that much motivation necessary to push through and so I distract myself instead, goes to sleep late again and its a dark spiral. I have not made any schedules this week, and I have particularly distracted myself from posting in this journal which I have attempted many times without success, succumbing to youtube instead. I have tried to break out of this cycle and it's very emotionally difficult. I will keep trying though, the solution is near. I am glimpsing some moments where I release these limiting thoughts and actually enjoy the moment as it is, regardless of the fact that im doing my morning routine at starting 4pm. 5-MeO Is calling for me... but I have to build up my strength. I won't choose to die if I cant chose to take a cold shower. NoFap: Luckily, as Im more aware of the main problem of distraction, I can easily prevent relapses from happening as I stop the initiation of the relapse mechanism dead in its tracks, for example, if I distract myself long enough I will develop a subconscious craving to watch porn or masturbate, that I cannot release, because that craving is aligned with the purpose of me distracting myself! I would have to do the thing im procrastinating on rather than perpetuating my distracions, but that is hard, but as im more aware of this cycle now, it's easier for me to stop procrastination as I know that I just don't want the end result of it! For the last 5 days I have not given into any craving or fantasy and it feels very good. The grip of the addiction has loosened, and I can now focus some more on what needs to be truly resolved. If I would try to solve my issues with a constant nagging porn craving in my head, that would not be efficient, to say the least. But actually now, as im finally writing this post after staying up late procrastinating, I can feel the cravings nagging me, because im basically repeating the same patterns that would lead to disaster; sitting on my couch, having to do my kriya before going to sleep, late at night, alone, porn is a couple of clicks away, etc. Im aware of this and so I consciously chose the easy route of doing the hard stuff rather than the hard route of doing the easy stuff. This is a matter of time and I need to stay strong.
  12. The newbies benefits from this very much, but if you have listened to all of Leos videos then you either are mindful of this or your not listening properly. For those who does understand that Leos old videos comes from his old perspective can still learn from the older videos! If you watched one of his videos 2 years ago then please rewatch it now! Because I think every one of Leos videos are worth several replays as they are still full of integratable gold. Although, I listen to his videos (mp3) while im doing other stuff, so its much more practical for me to listen to mp3 rather than actually sitting and rewarching them, spending hours doing that, I dont think that would be worth it.
  13. Day 1: 1/10 I relapsed yesterday (MO) for the same reasons as the previous post highlighted. Today I wanted to take a break as I have recently implemented weekends. I wanted to experiment with substances as I had no obligations today. I even wanted to go for that breaktrough dose of 5-MeO, but I decided that it should wait for at least next week for when Im a bit stronger. I took 50mg’s of Modafinil and 20mcg’s of 1P-LSD, then I did my Kriya Yoga when the lsd was peaking, and I broke trough some fear there, and then I smoked a little bit of weed, ate oranges, planning to go out and walk around the city. But then my mom invited me to take it to the next level, why not take a run in the beauty of nature, the sun and a lake nearby?! I was so aware that I didnt really care about thinking, I didnt need to think much as my words spontainiously flew out of my mouth. When we arrived at the lake, I just wanted to run, I craved to run around it, the nature was so satiating and I ate the sunrays, it was amazing, and with music in my ears, I pushed trough the pain and felt in touch with nature. I ran and ran, it was the most amazing run I have ever had in my life. My mother conveniently mentioned to me the other day that my half brother told her that when he got his new girlfriend, he became aware of how trapped he was with his ex, that he never new how much better it could get! Its almost like that for me. I needed this break that I took today, it had replenished my creativity, strength and motivation. I will do this every single week, microdosing and running in nature, the most high quality break there is. Next week will be amazing, I can feel it. Im ready to tackle my life, this is it.
  14. Day 0 (Emergency Update) I wrote the previous post -that I just posted- on the morning in my journal, intending to post it right when the internet in the house got back on as some electrician had to get a certain job done. But as soon as I was about to navigate myself to this journal to post it, I instead went and watched youtube, trying to project myself into the world of the internet in an attempt to escape the real world. I just didn't want to do the Kriya yoga, I convinced myself that I didn't enjoy doing my routines and I used that as an excuse to watch youtube. I had this nagging feeling that I would eventually watch porn. At that moment I could not summon sufficient strength to refuse. I started watching porn, more and more until I became horny. In my head, the higher voice said: "Stop, you will relapse". There came the point where I could see that no matter how much the higher voice would try to convince me that porn is bad and that I will relapse, I would not stop watching it, and so I eventually relapsed to the porn, powerless to change the situation in the eye of the storm. There was a deeper problem going on, as I have said before; if you give in to the craving, you have already lost. I had the insight as I was sitting there, edging (but observing) that I was fapping just to escape my obligations. I rarely just give in to a random craving to watch porn during the day, they always come as I distract myself from my work! They always come as a way to further project my mind into the screen to forget the painful stuff that I have to be doing, if only for a little while, or if only until I get tired enough to not be able to do those things for the rest of the day. Here are the notes from the strategic thinking session I had afterward: (Summary on the bottom of this section) Im using porn as an escape, projecting my mind into the screen so that I forget about my obligations. Why do I need to escape my obligations? One phenomenon is that I constantly feel crushed by all my tasks and what I need to get done I am addicted, that's for sure, but I know that if I would have the option to easily go into productive mode, then I would always do that, in case I find myself distracting myself. But I don’t feel productive by my Kriya yoga or visualisation. I don’t feel productive because im not doing enough in terms of how my "optimal schedule" looks like. But I felt fulfilled when knowing im on track with this work (fulfilled enough to keep doing it), but today I didn’t wake up with this feeling of motivation, why? I don’t really feel on track with my purpose if I distract myself from it, but in my “distractions” lies play! There lies the break I need, that's why the work gets too hard. I guess I have to be more rigid with my distractions to actually feel that my entertainment that is not “distractions” is actually serving my purpose! And it has to be fun. I Must eliminate all distractions completely, including browsing the forum. Because when im “distracting myself” im usually doing it to escape work. I need to leave all of that entertainment for the evening when it actually serves me and not sabotages me. I must give paramount priority to going to sleep early, for that is what makes the work actually pleasant and consistent! If I can wake up 8 am every single day hence going to sleep early, im golden If the schedules are followed correctly, I can be able to do them starting tomorrow with no ego backlash threatening me too much. The athletics are needed, the piano is needed and the breaks are there. I need to take social breaks for Saturday and Sunday (but then I have to wake up early to get the meditation out of the way, and that should be enough to get me excited for the next week, which starts off slow with the fun athletics on the morning (which compensates for the weekend starting Saturday afternoon rather than Friday afternoon). (Summary): The problem is distraction, and it most commonly happens trough habit but also as a way to escape the emotionally difficult work that Im setting myself up for every day. If I can take the proper high-quality breaks and leave room for entertainment and weekends, then I would be able to sustain my schedules without problems as they are now refined enough to account for that. I just have to take the leap of faith and commit, and so I also have to block my distractions as they are partially driven by the force of habit. Top quality entertainment on evenings (Just a few examples): Podcast and snacks Fiction book Movie Browse the forum Lower quality entertainment: Youtube Video games Action steps: Remove all distractions, find some software Download movies to watch and prepare resources to be used for entertainment, could also be books. Go to sleep early and sleep enough!