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It’s just so discouraging to keep up when I don’t feel any persistant transformation. But maybe you’re right, I’ve might have done it in the wrong way. Is it really so that you’ve become immune to other peoples judgements? It sounds amazing and hopeful.

Enlightenment is not a transformation... it's the end of the individual that believes transformation needs to occur. It's a falling away of the unreal rather than a gaining or transformation. But of course It can be called anything. ?

You know you can only bring suffering in yourself, it's never someone elses making, duh. Also suffering is just because your don't live your life the way you wabt to and that is yours problem and no one elses. Why thfk would one accept anything in this world, just look at everything and make a call. Infinite love seems like a dream, like laughing and having fun and sex and girls and kisses and joy and peace and kids. That's most often, almost always an escape and you will figure it out soon enough I hope. Just do the things you want to do, say the things you want to do. I dont know why we should care so much about this. We all have made ourselves so so so important that transformation of the mind is difficult. Hey that's even more potent in children, have you seen how difficult it is to take away their brainwsshed beliefs, the ego is so insanely large and some might like to say that children are more exuberant and happy then us though they are no better off. Still living within the same framework where you can't live your life the best way sadly.

If I may add my two cents; Please try to see the bigger picture here. The things that are happening with and to Actualized.org and especially within the community are the result of the development of Actualized.org as such. Don't regard what has been happening (Connor, SoonHei, cult accusations, etc.) as incidents that simply pose a problem to an otherwise stable and indifferent structure, no: these things are the first steps of the (more or less involuntary) transformation process of Actualized.org which will have to occur. Yesterday, I wrote: This I think is the major obstacle, the integration and (partial) overcoming of which will result in (some) transformation of Actualized.org. You can't teach higher mathematics to a 5th grader, yet that's what 's been happening in Actualized.org. And of course, the fifth grader tries to understand, thinks he understands, but doesn't understand and then creates problems for himself and others when he tries to apply the teachings. The reason for why people misunderstand so much of what Leo says, is mostly because they simply aren't at a point in their development where they even can have any proper understanding. But the problem is, that they don't know it. When you watch Actualized.org on YouTube, you will find videos ranging from "How to make a woman squirt" to "God Realization". Can you see the problem here? The same people who want to make women squirt are suddenly listen to Leo talking about life being a dream, other people not being real and what not. You can't expect them to understand any of this. They will become solipsistic, nihilistic and in extreme cases suicidal or end up in a psychiatric institution because instead of carefully deconstructing their mind, they shatter it. Please keep these things in mind when you engage in discussion here. This isn't about who's right or wrong, this is about solving a tricky problem which needs to be solved, because people have been harming themselves and others. Try to remember this and don't attack anyone personally.

I think this chart is somewhat messed up. For example integration is definitely masculine while disintegration is definitely feminine. It is integration which turns emptiness into form and disintegration which turns form into emptiness. Also I am not sure if the feminine should be on the right. If you take the yin yang symbol for example the transformation of masculine to feminine occurs on the left in an upward motion and clockwise fashion (when it is depicted correctly). You could argue that the symbol rotates and therefore the feminine will rotate on the right as well however by the time it approaches the right side it's already passed its culmination and beginning to transform into yang so not sure if the right side would be appropriate for Yin. Anything that has to do with focus is also Yang for Yin is centrifugal not centripetal. From that chart I only agree that the feminine corresponds to 'open', 'being', 'heart' and possibly 'intuition'. Anything conceptual/cerebro-centric I would also attribute to yang while anything intuitive/heart-centric I would attribute to yin. As for consciousness, I don't think consciousness belongs to the magic show of yin and yang and I think it is beyond both yin and yang and is therefore neither empty nor form. This is my understanding of who's who in duality: yang………………………yin. centripetal………………..centrifugal. integrating………………..disintegrating. spiral in…………………spiral out. implosive…………………explosive. converge…………………..diverge. in…………………………..out generative…………………radiative. gravity………………..levity inhalation…………………exhalation. sphere…………………torus. solid………………………..vaporous rotation decrease……………rotation increase. heating……………………cooling. charging…………………..discharging. contraction………………..expansion. Father Earth…..………………. Mother Sky particle………………………..wave. descension………..……ascension. I am wondering if that is 'wounded feminine' vs 'masculine' or 'wounded feminine' vs 'wounded masculine' because both of those descriptions seem quite dysfunctional.

I practice devotion to many things at various times. The Holy Spirit has never been an object of devotion, but it is rather what comes to me when devotion appears to be most effective. The whole point of Bhakti practice is to open up the heart and use that as a force for spiritual transformation. I’m closest to Hinduism and Christianity as well. If you want to start with Christian Mysticism, try reading John chapter 14. It’s a great place to start. Aaron Abke has some good videos on YT about Christian mysticism too. Devotion doesn’t work well if something doesn’t speak to your heart though. There’s no use in trying to force devotion. It should be effortless almost imo.

I have personally been struggling with the world needing saving. I get very sad. Then I realised that I was just doing the 'life's not fair' thing. Actually, it's exactly how it is meant to be. Horribly perfect. It's just perspective; it all is. If my vibe is low it looks like chaotic shit, if it is high it looks like organised chaos. I struggle more with acknowledging that I am COMPLETELY in control of whether my reality appears as friend or foe. I create it, so if I decide it needs saving, it does, if I decide it is perfect, it is. I'm trying to see it as perfect transformation school and remove the limited perspective of time. Or just stop thinking!

The deity is a tool for transformation. Use it to connect via Bhakti, but always remember that it was created by you and is you.

There is lot going on in my life this week. The emotional rollercoaster hit my mind again and again. I think it will stop after I break up with my Gf.. but sadly no. There is other external stuff that need to be change because I see myself changing.. being really different person. Now Im.. More independent, can think for oneself (the die of conformity blue culture), more grounded, find inner guidance, increased intuition, I sense higher emotional intellegence too in myself, more control to my own mind (I see and own my mind in creating the matrix, when I take full responsibility and ownership in my mind I have more control naturally. The effect is HUGE btw), becoming INTP as I'm INTJ before, more openminded, reaching yellow thinking more often without psychedelic, have more courage, have more worth, finding true value, ability to sense if there is something wrong (expect to the inner error, still learn it though), healing lot of painful neurotic trauma, more detached in dating, and maybe there is more but overall is like transformation going on me. Still there is a lot of homework.. Internal work and external work. Im seriously tired. Man.. This week lot of things surface up and its really hard to deal with because I have lot of loss too.. I loss my 4 years GF... the only one that hear me with intellegence and non judging manner. The one who grounded me. The one who teach me and heal me. I think its OK before.. but times come by and I really need someone to talk deeply. I need someone to rely on my emotion. Sometimes I just need to rest with someone who understand me.. but, right now.. there is no one. Just me and my ego mind. I try to put my words on twitter but it didnt really work. I need bigger tree to rest in the shade. I know this is sound really needy as fuck. But I dont care. This is my emotion and my confused mind that say it. Its valid. I try Tinder but I just found bunch of unconscious girl that just make my head tired. In my country, spiral dynamic stage green is still very rare to find. I couldn't find a safe space for my emotional sensitivity. Most people in my area cannot listen. They judge harshly. At least at this forum I can share my thought.. and this forum is the only safe space for me right now. Im so grateful for that. Now I have decide to be happy with my ownself without rely to anyone else. This is really though way to live but. I think there is no other alternative right now. I want to become independet self.

excellent, yes the journey of ascension is realizing the multidimensional nature of our beingness to embody all and resonate at the higher aspects of self, transforming reality and experience as we know it. This is where humanity and consciousness is heading, releasing the old patterns of the 3rd dimension to allow for higher levels of freedom, empowerment, love, connection, and efficiency as energy beings. This also means exploring the dynamics of health/vitality as it correlates to the multidimensional nature, nipping discordant energy in the butt before it becomes a phsyical ailment, and realizing the potential transformation of the physical being as old energy is released, dna (whatever this actually is) evolves and everything begins to run more efficiently aiding in soul growth. I've put a lot of work into myself and the journey, discovering a lot of truth relating to self healing, prana, and energy cultivation. I am starting ascension/life coaching to guide and facilitate people on their healing journeys to break free from the collective fear based frequencies as these drastically impact thought patterns and limitation, perpetuating the dichotomy many are trapped in on this forum (unable and unwilling to break down the relativity of experience)

I understand everything you're saying. Another way to explain this whole apparent debacle: The human is not much different than the animal. The main difference with the human is that it appears its brain evolved faster and or differently for reasons unknown. This evolved brain of the human now has the ability to become an entity unto itself (the ME). It has essentially evolved past basic survival strategy like that of the animal.(its not good or bad) This illusion of separation creates an illusory problem. That problem being: I feel separate from existence, like something is missing and needs to be found. But this problem is founded within a misunderstanding.... or like Jim Newman says, "a psychosomatic misunderstanding". So the human spends its life running around in a misunderstanding or dream story of sorts, trying to find something that was never missing. It tries to find something to fix the unreal problem of feeling separate ie: Materialism: money; possessions; hot hubby/wiffey. Spiritual Materialism: Religion; spirituality; Adviata(non-duality). Here is an essay from Tony Parsons: The Story of Me "All there is is wholeness . . . boundless energy appearing as everything . . . the sky, trees, feelings, thoughts, whatever. It is the mystery of no thing simultaneously being everything. There is nothing apart from the boundless everything and yet, because it is free, it can appear to be separate from itself . . . it can appear to be the story of me. There is nothing right or wrong in that appearance which is wholeness apparently happening. Contracted energy seems to arise in the human being and create a sense of separation out of which arises a unique sense of identity . . . a self consciousness. The me is born and the story of me seems to begin. Me is the story and the story is me and one cannot exist without the other. They both only appear and function in a dualistic subject object reality. Everything seems to be personally experienced as a series of events in real time happening to a real me. Within that story time, journey, purpose and free will and choice seem to be real. This sense of separation is not just an idea, a thought or a belief. It is a contracted energy embodied in the whole organism which influences every experience. As a consequence the me experiences a tree, the sky, another person, a thought or a feeling through a veil of separation. It is as though me is a something and everything else is lots of other separate somethings happening to me. What arises from this once removed sense is a subtle feeling of dissatisfaction. A feeling that something is lost or hidden. For most people this sense of dissatisfaction is not that apparent, and because they believe they are individuals with free will and choice they seem motivated to try and create a successful story . . . good relationships, good health, wealth, personal power or whatever else. However, for some there is a greater sensitivity about something else that seems to be missing. This feeling generates a longing for a deeper sense of fulfilment. There can be an investigation into religion, therapy or the meaning of enlightenment. Because the me has become convinced that it has the means to influence its story, it also assumes that it can find deeper fulfilment through its own choice, determination and action. The me may, for instance, go to a priest or a therapist or a teacher of enlightenment in order to find what it thinks it needs. Often because the me feels it has lost something, there can be a sense of inadequacy and so what is pursued is a teaching that satisfies the need to do something which will bring about a personal transformation and make the me worthy of fulfilment. All of this activity is apparently happening within the story of me which is functioning in an artificially dualistic reality. So me is searching in the finite for that which is infinite. It is a something looking for another something, and what it really longs for remains unobtainable by already being everything. It is rather like trying to catch air with a butterfly net. It isn’t difficult, it is wonderfully impossible. The essential futility of that searching inevitably fuels the sense of a me who feels even more unworthy and separate. However, in the seeking activity there can be experiences along the way that encourage the me to search further and try harder. Personal therapy can bring a transient sense of personal balance in the story. Practices like meditation can bring a state of peace or silence. Self enquiry can bring an apparently progressive experience of understanding and strengthened awareness. But for awareness to function it needs something apart for it to be aware of. Awareness simply feeds separation, and a state of detachment can arise and be mistaken for enlightenment. All of these states come and go within the story of me. The basis of all teaching of becoming enlightened is the idea that a change of belief or experience can lead to a personal knowing of oneness, self realisation or of discovering your own true nature. The whole investment in a progressive path goes on feeding the story of me attaining something. Even the suggestion of personal surrender or acceptance can be initially attractive and bring a satisfying state . . . for a while. There are many so-called non-dual 'teachings' which feed the story of me becoming liberated. However, the oneness that is longed for is boundless and free. It cannot be grasped or even approached. Nor is there anything that would need to be done or changed or made better than that which is already everything. The me experience can be very convincing because “the world” it lives in seems to be dominated by lots of me’s in lots of stories. But the me construct is inconstant and has no foundation. All of the me story is only a dance of wholeness which is without significance or purpose. A deep and uncompromising exposure of the artificial construct of separation and the story of me can loosen the constraints that keep it locked in place and reveal the way in which seeking can only reinforce the dilemma. The apparent sense of separation, however, is at its essence an energetically contracted energy which no amount of conceptual clarity will ever undo. When there is an openness to the possibility of that which is beyond self-seeking, then it seems that the contracted energy can evaporate into the boundless freedom which it already is. And still this is only another story which attempts to point to and describe a total paradox . . . the apparent end of something that was never real . . . the story of me. All there is, is boundless freedom"

Yes, but don't forget that flow state should not be looked at as something outside of yourself that needs to be achieved or gotten to. Flow, letting go & surrender should be integrated as parts of your being and should always be the case. It's should not be something outside of yourself now. Of course people use state-pumping to get into that state, but that is not real transformation and growth. State pumping is the same as taking MDMA. Have you ever taken MDMA in social setting? You literally feel like the king. You are the life of the party and everyone is attracted to your presence. Everyone is on the edge of their seat listening to what you have to say because you are so embodied & full of self love and acceptance. The whole dynamic changes. but then, when it wears down, you feel less 'flow' and more self absorbed again. It's all self protection again. That's not ideal. You always want to be able to do what you are inspired to do without filters. What you often see are these guys doing daygame or nightgame and say 'I really felt in flow just 10 minutes ago, but now I'm not anymore. I feel a bit anxious again'. See, they rely on external validation & statepumping to get into flow. Their internal state depends on external variables, while real transformation does not. So you saying 'I reached flow state some time ago' still comes from the duality that seperates you from full self acceptance & permanent letting go. Releasing & emotional embodiment are key to permanently integrate these attributes.

I agree that on some level, on the cognitive side, JP doesn't want to deconstruct his world view, even his religiosity is materialistic, blue as you call it. On another level I sense that he longs for a breakthrough, for an existentially juicy experience. I know because I was like him before psychedelics, in a way his answer about how not to turn nihilistic (in the video I linked) is the worst he could have given, that's precisely because of those materialistic reasons that one is turning nihilistic. If he experienced his soul his shell would crack. Someone called him bitter in this forum, he's so bitter. But he's too invested in the world, he's a family man, he has his reputation, his following, liberating him is going to be so hard, psychedelics could do it if anything. Instead of seeking transformation after his benzo crisis he did everything he could to retain his psychology and he seemingly succeeded (which may have been the better move but he's still trapped).

@Forestluv He has a wider lens. Yes he is a psychologist so he is very interested in what it does to the human psyche. Not only trauma, fear of death in cancer patients, changes of personality, trancedance, a sort of transformation of mortality itself. He is pointing that there is something beyond the death in psychedelics that is very significant. "I am been studying this for twenty years the psychedelic literature. Its of crucial and central significance. There seems to be no end on how deeply you can investigate it" "You have te let old concepts die, they don't like to die its panfulull, but there is a benevolent death. Its true of being itself , death has a restorative rol, enough cells need to die to stay healthy. I belief in these mystical experiences death is building into something. And want to participate in and tortured to not participate. A glimpse of that, at least shows there's is more than you think." Gets a bit emotional in tone of voice. "What sort of being is there without consciousness. You cant even describe it , only in terms of consciousness. Things arent if they are not experienced. There is some relationship between consciousness and being. It just makes matter more mysterious." He is helping you guys popularize psychedelics and pointing to breakthrough. Also I don't think he is very of narrative control but concerned that the research goes well so it can continue for a long time.

Most forums will have a guide in the comment box so the guide is seen every time someone comments. Its a basic and very effective user experience hack. Here is the full guide line for the integral life forum. Condense this to a few words of wisdom and place it in the comment box. It would also be good training. Was thinking of making a chrome extension that adds words of commenting wisdom to every comment box on all sites. Would be nice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Community Road Rules Integral Life strives to provide a community space that is integral—comprehensive, open, inclusive, and transparent. The quality of this integral space depends on the quality of your participation. Therefore, like all communities we have guidelines, and ours are integral. The following guidelines are designed to help make everyone’s experience in this “we-space” a fulfilling one: Let your very next communication in this space come from your Highest Self. If you understand what “integral” means, then let the next words out of your mouth be from your own integral mind or integral awareness. If you don’t know exactly what integral means, then use “Highest or Higher Self,” “True Self that is no-self,” “Spirit Mind,” “Big Mind,” or whatever you are comfortable with that evokes the highest or deepest or brightest You. Feel the thinker. Feel your self, feel your ego, feel the self-contraction. That which feels the thinker is beyond the thinker, that which feels the self is beyond the self, that which feels the ego is beyond the ego, that which feels the self-contraction is free of the self-contraction. When you feel the thinker (or ego, etc.), you engage your Higher Self. You take the stance of the Witness, the I that is aware of I, the I-I in you that is beyond you. And the Witness, although itself empty, takes on and speaks integral at any level. Therefore, feel your ego, or feel your self-contraction, and then speak and act from the awareness that’s doing the feeling; that sees the ego as an object like any other; that impartial Mirror Mind reflecting and embracing the universe in its brightness and luminous equanimity, the higher perspective that is no special perspective but open to all. Make the subject object whenever you can, and this will help you come from your Highest Self. But don’t make a big deal out of this. Simply try to feel the thinker or feel the self-contraction every now and then, and sooner or later it will make sense and feel natural to act from a higher level that is not the ego but is aware of the ego. (Those rules help with your Higher Self, however you understand and intuit it. And now, a few rules to help with your lower self (aka, your unconscious, your shadow, the disowned self, or the self that will sabotage your every move, given a chance). Discern your “emotional buttons,” or the things to which you overreact. In many cases, whether or not your judgment is true, a hyper-emotional recoil often means that shadow elements have been triggered, or as everyday parlance has it, somebody “pushed your buttons.” Simply notice this happening; try to make the subject an object (which, as we know, is the fundamental rule of development). In other words, try to make the reactive self (the lower self) an object of awareness. Just see and feel your emotional reaction; you don’t have to do anything else. It’s that simple. Don’t worry whether something spectacular happens or not; that very act has already caused a small transformation and disidentification, and repetitions of that simple act will have a profoundly cumulative effect. Of course, you can do more work on it if you choose, but most essentially, they are ways to just further that process. You can investigate this more if you want. 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Jesus’ Most Important Message (John 14:12) - Stage Turquoise Christianity The video, especially in the beginning/first half, uses Christian terms and concepts as to still be of interest to those in that belief system. I’m not arguing for anything taught in Christianity; this is merely a lens which could allow the belief system to manifest in a closer form to what Jesus appears to have intended. This is a synthesis of stage turquoise spiritual concepts and the Christian framework. It’s not a claim that this is all Absolute Truth. There are certainly limits to operating in this framework as with any other framework or belief system. The Bible verse which is the central theme for the video is John 14:12 which reads, “Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” This is a useful verse for bridging the gap between modern forms of Christianity and awakening. Modern Christianity is typically a source of self hatred and degradation, whether it is subtle or gross, in the context sin is commonly discussed. Modern Christianity loves to tell people that they are nothing compared to Jesus and could never be. The man himself gave a message of divine empowerment the likes of which I have seen in no other religious or spiritual text. Jesus was so radical in this regard, but it gets overlooked. The message is quite clear. Believe in me and you can do anything I have done and greater things. This is quite a different tone than Yahweh had in the Bible. That was one of intense subjugation. Jesus seems to offer himself as a catalyst to be used for one to facilitate their own divine transformation. This is a summary of the video put in terms more popular on the forum: -Being in incredibly high states of God Consciousness or Liberation seems to be a prerequisite to be a believer according to what Jesus is discussing. These are just the kindergarten lessons to be learned in the framework he is speaking of. Many have achieved those steps, but how many have been capable of the works? -No human being currently believes to the degree Jesus claims here. Could anyone alive today truly call themselves a believer? -Jesus was not seeing his human incarnation above the capability of yours. -Jesus going to Godhead may be part of why these greater works are possible for you. -Hinduism, for example, has produced many stories of people closer to the capabilities and levels of development Jesus is describing here compared to Christianity. It could be said that these people, if the stories are true, are more true believers in Jesus than a stage blue Christian.

What really initiated (but by no means completed) this transition to viewing life from the lens of music was something Alan Watts said here: An important caveat though, I would caution you against believing Alan's idea that there's no necessity for the universe or existence and would like to instead suggest to only focus on his music analogy rather than his premature conclusions about the whole of existence. Personally I think Alan Watts didn't really understand how fundamental this insight was and kind of left it underdeveloped. He thought it was just an analogy and never considered the possibility that life isn't like music, but that music is like life and that playing the piano is to music what living is to life. To answer your questions, I would suggest to you that you actually take a look at musical theory as if you are studying physics (i.e. as something fundamental to the understanding of life itself, not something arcane or tangential to life like most musicians think of it). Pay particular attention to what harmony actually is and why it is different than non-harmony, then contemplate what harmony outside of the context of music is and how it could guide you in a profoundly honest and direct way that no teaching or "ism" ever could. Also pay attention to what octaves are and compare them with spiral dynamics theory. Pay attention to what frequencies are and contemplate wave functions. Contemplate the differences between static and dynamic. A word of caution though, if you go this route you might uncover that almost all of modern education is incorrect, you might also discover Taoism naturally on your own. Realizing certain truths may make you incompatible with the current version of the social software. This could lead to profound loneliness. Buyer beware. Any book on musical theory should provide some interesting insights even something like "Musical Theory for Dummies", if you resonate with it take it as far as you want, and then you should really consider "A course in miracles". Finally Walter Russell's "A new concept of the universe." should provide you with a fundamental understanding of the workings of the universe and may open the gates for your transformation to Homo Universalis. Good luck.

Thanks guys you opened my eyes, It's transformation. In the past we didn't know better but now it's different. There are societies that are vegans and well. Hunting animals for the kick of it doesn't sound too good. But the main problem is meat industry. Imagine being a cow forced into one of those narrow pathway were she can't turn around, knowing she's going to die, the stench of death, she panicks tries to turn around but can't so she refuses to walk so she's tazed and beaten and forced to advance to her death. If you only could realize what it means to go through such experience you would understand why I'm talking about hell on earth. It's utter madness that we created in this universe.

So last night I had sex with this girl...and it was pretty bad. Empty, boring and kinda awkward. There was no real connection. It was just flesh rubbing against flesh. Now I'm left feeling unsatisfied and kinda dirty. I'm disappointed in myself for getting involved with this girl that I didn't even like really - just for the purpose of busting a nut. (Which I didn't. Could not cum. Was struggling to remain hard, even) I've been contemplating a bit and came to a conclusion that I'm unable to just have casual sex with random girls. It might've worked in the past; but now I'm looking for something deeper. I don't want to have meaningless sex. I want to make love. I want to feel that connection. To merge with another's soul. However; finding a partner for that is a bit more challenging than just picking up random girls. I ended a pretty serious relationship not that long ago. And I had this idea that I'd be single now and fool around with girls for a while. In my mind the idea seemed cool. But when it came down to actually doing it; it didn't feel right. I don't feel ready for a new, full-blown relationship now. And I also cannot just have random sex. So I'm guessing the only right thing to do is...to just drop it all for some time. Focus on other areas of life. It will most likely be challenging. I'd say I'm very sexual by nature. But I know it's the right thing to do. No sex until I fall in love with someone again. Curious if anyone here went through something similar? Speaking mainly to men... but maybe even some women went through a similar transformation. Do share your experience, please. Thanks!

Thanks, WonderSeeker I was very committed. She has been struggling with depression, on and off ssris, not reaching out for professional help, isolating herself completely from the world, both physically and emotionally. In the last 3 months of the relationship, although I tried what I could (including silent patience), her feelings for me got killed off. I saw her once this year for 2 hours. She is in a spiritual transformation. Basically said that I am not mature enough for her, due to the 10 years age difference (she in her 40s, me in my 30s). Obviously neither she, nor me were ready or healthy for a relationship. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t fallen in love with full power and that it doesn’t hurt like hell. I just want to use this pain for growth. ...... It’s so hard to detach from the thought/hope/wish that she would return later.

Definitely some truth to this, yup. I was horny but I also rushed things. As I said; I do love sex, very much. lol. It was always a source of good feelings for me. And I wanted to feel that again. But it quickly became obvious that things have changed since the last time I was single. I've changed. My values, boundaries and priorities got stronger and more defined. So since @WaveInTheOcean brought the thread back to life (thanks btw!) here's a little update; Saying 'no' to sex was harder than I thought it would be haha. I really had a pattern. An addiction even - one could say. So I ended up 'relapsing' pretty damn fast. I got into a 'FWB' situation. And it was as good as such a situation can be - I guess. Everything went pretty smoothly and it was some pretty damn good sex. But again; no love. Pure physicality. I did smoke some weed before we'd hook up. So that contributed to me relaxing a bit and getting more into it. Weed can make me pretty horny lol. But anyways; even though the sex itself was good... I ended things pretty fast. It just didn't feel right - on a soul level. I really felt like I should focus completely on myself and go through this transformation with as little distraction as possible. So that's where I am at now. No sex ? Do I dream of pussy nearly everyday? You bet I do. But I know the work I'm doing now is much more important. And it's going to allow me to meet a much better match in the future.

This year has been doing lot of stuff : 1. I realized so much more how I am as an ego. Numerology is the big guy in this realization. My attitude with reality now is really different. I aligned all my doing in my real self. Some backstory, I have lot of personality in my life. I use that to avoid lot of emotional wound. In some situation I can become really different person. 2. I walk out from my 4 years relationship. My relationship was really feels wrong for me. My intuition keeps telling me go out, go out, its enough, you forced it. But my mind is always not accept it. I always try to make it better. But eventually its all the same cycle, its all painful every single day like drop water purring my head every single second. I repressed my inner self and depressed. Now I knew I can't be mold so much in relationship. The good thing from that pain I found Leo, I found my inner deep value and have lot of healing from my girlfriend (ironically). Even my ex give lot of suffering in 4 years. I learned a lot. I heal a lot. I have thicker skin. In my eyes my ex is a hero healer of my journey. 3. I speak up to my father and mother. For all of the inequality that happened to me. How they treat me so ignorantly. Show they how they make me have my bad trauma. My mother cry at that time because I use really high tone voice. I surpressed all that feeling resentment for 22 years. The situation is really gloomy for a weeks. But now it goes lot better than I exepcted. Our relationship be much deeper. And now I feel heared than ever before! The lesson is speak own truth, be in relationship with people with your own deep truth. 4. The fall of the blue value. Now I just get enough of blue. I dont know. I just feel really bad even from people with blue smell. My country is pretty dang blue. I indoctrinated with blue value since birth. I have a hard time to understanding how world works because lot of conformity trauma. I dont have any independent thinking. In my subconscious I just need to obey because it feels really save. Obey obey obey. Be kind of lot of people even they doing stupid stuff for you. Your voice doesnt matter if it can ruin the commumal dynamic. And lot lot lot of bullshit value that I absorbed. I just get enough now. I just want to be my authentic self. I dont care if it hurts your conformity and dogma. I want to say anything that I wanted to say. I hate you blue. Fuck blue authority. 5. The rise of Anima, finding my shadow masculinity. I never aware how my masculinity is so toxic. I always assume that I never be toxic in my masculinity aspect. But all of my assumption is burned out after I watched video from The Diamond Net channel down below. (Try to watch it, can be life transforming to you!) I track all of what she said in my awareness. Then I have a healing sensation in my body. I sucessfully talk to my Anima. And wow its really beautiful! The ramification of unawareness Anima is the big obstacle in my development of consciousness. I place my anima in my shadow before and its becoming really dark devillish. Right now I still doing Anima integration. My attitude is changing from seeing that one video from the channel. Its feel more than little change, its like big transformation. People now act differently when I try talk to them. Before this, people just try avoiding conversation after we spent some time talking and I dont know why lol. I know I have some flaw but I never find it. I constantly changing my content when talking to people give hope it will help. Sure it help in some small extend. But this.. this structural change in my psyche. That video is really good I wonder why Leo didn't put Anima and Animus to the channel.

^^ Even if no sought-out deep enlightenment and transformation, developing the insight into radical, unfathomable unknowability/emptiness -- practically just extreme open-mindedness + highly-trained very still mind -- can liberate and open one up to unknowing and continuous insight that "I AM" is an assumption that has never never actually been investigated or looked at directly. The instant it is looked at directly, it wasn't ever there. Seeing x one way and later seeing x to not be that way at all... this can lead to the intuition that nothing can be real, or at least nothing is known, and what can then happen, is that things are no longer taken to be real. If the I AM isn't even a verifiably-existent entity, what then could possibly be? "The snake and the rope" truly is one of (if not the) most valuable pointers. To you, the mind is everything.

I’ve shared this in the past in High Consciousness Resources. It’s a great sampler for the whole set. Listening to this complete set repeatedly to a ridiculous extent, years ago, probably grew me more than any other single work. Description of the whole set from Sounds True. Link is below. One of our greatest possibilities, teaches Wilber, is "to balance and harmonize our experiences at whatever stage of growth we are in—and to deepen our capacity for compassion, consciousness, and care." For Ken Wilber's many avid readers, and anyone who has been waiting for a highly accessible invitation to his work, here is one of the most significant thinkers of our time—spontaneous, passionate, irreverent—sharing a feast of ideas to inspire you on your evolution toward Kosmic Consciousness. Kosmic Consciousness Highlights: The "one taste" of the Kosmos Quadrants, lines, states, types, and stages—a complete introduction to the Integral Map Assessing your constellation of "multiple intelligences" The Good, the True, and the Beautiful—three realms of experience explored How meditation works, and why it is the most reliable tool for personal development Feminine and masculine drives—how our biology influences our spiritual evolution The chakra system, a paradigm for the unfolding self Integral insights for artists, businesspeople, and athletes Altered states of consciousness—how they can catalyze (or hinder) transformation Sexuality and lovemaking in the gross, subtle, and causal bodies The"pre-trans fallacy," an essential insight for evaluating spiritual tools, traditions, and teachers How fearlessness grows as your sense of self expands Four definitions of spirituality The ego—is it a vehicle or an obstacle to awakening? Lucid dreaming, astrology, brain machines, and the Enneagram—integral perspectives Mystical experiences in nature—a window into spirit How love "re-wires" the self Could your dog be an enlightened master? Basic moral intuition—a compass for our actions in the world Cultural "centers of gravity" and how they influence us Reincarnation—myth or provable phenomenon? What does an enlightened teacher "transmit"? Ascending, descending, and "nondual" spiritual paths Tantra and the "embrace of heaven and earth" More than 12 hours of insights in a rare series of meetings with Ken Wilber https://www.soundstrue.com/products/kosmic-consciousness

All of this conceptualization about your self or ego going through some kind of transformation process is essentially a distraction from the amazingness and beauty of the present moment which is enlightenment. There is no process for enlightenment, you already are it.