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The truth of the matter is, we have an inefficient system. It works really well for small percentage, moderately well for a big chunk and really not well for the rest. And the work involved in shifting to a better place in the spectrum and maintaining it is arbitrary in the sense that people are different and you can't create what you aren't meant for. It's really not unfair in the real sense, it's mostly inefficient. It's not run by mechanical truths or mathematical rules, it's all very much arbitrary. Biases are how we navigate the world. Feeling good for being at the top is a response the system wants you to have, and so is the opposite response. You're programmed to feel bad when you're not playing the game well. It's not something you can really change. You can try all sorts of things; no amount of mystical experience can really fix it. Especially if you have certain biases against living an ascetic life. And the culture around mostly doesn't tolerate monkhood. Every retreat into the personal space of philosophies like misanthropy, efilism, anti-natalism will consequently make the game more meaningless and harder while giving you small hit of dopamine trashing the system. Spirituality is a scam. We live in a material world. You need food and shelter, you're not gonna transcend your body and stop pooping. Same goes for the mind, your psyche keeps you alive, you feel what you feel thanks to the psyche. It's not like you're in the position to influence how it functions. Nobody can. We are the body and mind. And it's seriously demented to push people into "feeling the spirit, meditation"/"you're not your mind or body" even as a concept. As for suicide. I agree with the anti-natalist philosophy. But what people get wrong is, if you accept that bringing children in the world is immoral and bad, you basically saying your own existence is a mistake and you'd rather die. That's quite flawed as a logic, but our psyche is likely to interpret it as such no matter how logical we are. Once you're alive, you have an interest to keep living and in turn propagating life. Logic isn't how humans and society functions. This is why almost all frameworks to understand humans through logic fails. Spiral Dynamics is a good example. The philosophy is dangerous in the sense that if taken seriously you can turn really anti life and worse you become some vegan and stop nourishing yourself. We're cannibalistic carnivores, instead of flesh, we feed on others' energy, while keeping them alive. It's how we've come to survive in the last few centuries. Life and it's way of functioning is messy and inefficient, there's no real fix, other than having a good experiential reality. If you feel good eating meat, that's a win. Stop trying to function logically.

@Yeah Yeah Well damn man I can see why you're like this after having lived through all that. But I still believe you can make it. Even if this all happend to you. You basically gave up on life and now you have negative momentum building up because of your smoking and porn addiction (and maybe some other bad habits). And your 'I've tried it all' could also mean you've tried everything YOU COULD at those times. Doesn't mean you've literally done everything possible to succeed (because this world is endless, the possibilities are endless too). And yeah from the looks of it you got pretty unlucky up till now but you can't give up like that just yet yk? I think you could actually improve your life if you tried focussing on healing and when you finally have a good foundation you could actually succeed in life (and with healing I mean your pathologies and neurosis). That being said I don't really know how old you are as of now and how long this 'healing' would take (the more trauma you have and the more deeply ingrained it is the longer it'll take, but you'll be free from those burdensome mental shackles if you actually do the work). But from the looks of things you have a lot of trauma to work through. I'm also trying to better myself by healing as of now and I'm looking into things like shadow work and Jungian psychology so I can slightly emphatise with you even if it's only a little bit (but that being said I have grown a lot in the last few years, and just these little changes in mindset have already made me much much happier than I used to be). I haven't suffered your pain of course and I don't truly know the life you've lived or what kind of experiences you've gone through. But at the end of the day it's up to you to keep being a 'loser' or to try and change.This way you'll at least know you tried your best at trying to fix your life even if you do die, at least you won't have regrets this way. Because there just has to be a way right? It took me quite a few years to realise this, and now i'm at the point where I actually need to be doing the 'healing' work in question. And somehow I think it'll be the same for you. Just... don't give up just yet, life is just too beautiful to die early for. That's what I think at least. I hope this comment helped you in some way. Because somewhere deep down inside you you must also want to change for the better right? PS: Here are some realisations I had to see how beautiful life can be. The beauty of nature for example, just realising the fact that you're here on a planet that billions of years old, and that you're even alive at all is a miracle. Just by looking at a tree there are infinite complexities in that alone. Like the patterns of it's root bark, how some trees can be a thousand years old, and then realising that a thousand years means that that tree started growing before America was even discovered by Columbus, before there was electricity, before there were cars, planes, bycicles, etc! Even if you just look at a leaf, the amount of complex little details in just that leaf alone will take you years to even understand fully. And that's why it's so beautiful. I tried my best trying to explain why I find nature so beautiful in words because in reality I just 'feel' the beauty radiating from everything that lives. And now i'm trying to learn to appreciate the beauty of all things, but that will take me some more work. I wrote this hoping you could see a bit of what I could see, and with just this alone it should be enough to keep on living for. Suicide is when you've given up hope on doing anything at all. But usually that's just your mind/ego tricking you into thinking it'll always be like this, but it won't, and you can improve your situation. We all can, so don't give up! Did you watch the video I sent last time by the way?

It rings hollow because most people don't agree with the idea the idea that procreating is unethical. And everyone has variations to their ethical compass. I see having children as ethically neutral and in the realm of personal sovereignty. And some people see not having children as unethical. And even if someone does theoretically agree that having children is unethical, the desire to have children is so meaningful to people that they'd absolutely be willing to break from that abstract idea that "procreation is unethical" in order to have kids. Like, if you really wanted to have kids, you would drop antinatalism like a hot potato. Not to mention the fact that having children comes from having sex... and people like to have sex. And there are tons of "oops!" babies that come into existence even though they weren't explicitly planned on. So, even if everyone got on board with the antinatalist ideology and was in agreement that having kids is unethical and defied their own deep desire to have children to be "ethical" in that way... there would still be "Oops!" babies. The only way to actually enact an antinatalist ideology would be to forcibly sterilize everyone against their will... which would bring us into eugenics territory But here are my counter-arguments... 1. Every decision you make... including the decision to donate to charity... is one that you make because it feels right to you or makes you feel good. There is no such thing as a selfless decision. And having children is no different. But that doesn't mean that you see your children as a mere tool of your happiness. Good parenting is a one-way street where you give care and they receive it to grow into themselves as people. The benefit that I get is that my children are really cool people to be around and it's amazing to watch them grow... and I'm glad to know them as people and to have them as my family. They are very much wanted by me... but their existence doesn't belong to me. 2. You don't know that the person you bring into this world won't value their life tremendously either. And you rob so many of them a chance to live and exist and experience if (hypothetically) society adopts an anti-natalist ideology. I am glad that my parents procreated and had me. I'm quite sure that my kids are also glad that I procreated and had them... as they don't wish not to exist. Most people prefer to live and want to continue existing... even if they encounter suffering in their lives. Most people do not attempt suicide or commit suicide. So, you are setting up a situation where people who would want to exist are disallowed from existence for the sake of an ideology. 3. A non-existent person cannot consent to existence (if we look from an Earthly perspective). So, that is a moot point. You have to exist to consent. Consenting only happens in the domain of existence. So, you cannot consent to existence. Therefore, you are simply acting as the ultimate authority and assume that everyone who exists is non-consenting... and you project your own ideas onto them and rescind consent for them. You assume their no... when perhaps they wanted to give an enthusiastic yes to life. Instead, you project an unpopular ideology onto them that assumes that they are forced to exist against their will. It's like stealing something precious from a sentient being by assuming that that sentient being doesn't want to exist. Now, of course, there are plenty of potential people who don't get born into existence. And I see that as being the sovereign prerogative of a given person as to whether or not they want to bring life into the world. But because you are saying, "Let's not bring people into this world because they might not want to exist.", my rebuttal is "What about the majority of people who do want to exist? Maybe 5% of people who are brought into existence, don't want to exist. But why deny the 95% of people who do want to exist for the sake of the 5%?" But ultimately, antinatalism rings hollow because the only people who agree with it are people who are looking for a post hoc justification for not having kids. The people who believe it's unethical to not have children tend to lord their perceived moral superiority over those who choose not to have kids... and badger them about "being selfish" and hounding them to have kids. So, as a rebuttal, those who don't want to have children use the antinatalist ideology to be like, "Actually, I'm the morally superior one... and you're being selfish for having kids." Almost no one else agrees with antinatalism. And even if they do, if having kids is meaningful to them, they will still have kids.

The highest suicide rates are in poor and/or non-Western countries.

Dude she cut her hair and has short hair right now . Had me contemplating suicide 😂.

TL;DR 33M gay/homoflexible engineer (probably AuDHD) trying to figure out what freedom and purpose look like after years of depression, burnout, and a toxic relationship. Therapist asked: "If you had financial freedom for life, what would you do?" Still working on that one. --- Forgive me if this has been posted before — this is my first post and the search bar doesn’t seem to work. So, quick background. 33M, gay/homoflexible (with some pent-up 50-shades-level fantasies... Catholic guilt hits hard). I don’t love labels, but I guess I’d fall somewhere on the “AuDHD” spectrum. Like Leo, I’ve found pretty much every career I’ve tried miserable. Unlike Leo, I haven’t found my calling yet. Being an engineer, whether software or electrical, just isn’t it for me. It sucks. No offense to those who enjoy it. My therapist (straight, no feelings) posed this question as homework: “Suppose you had financial freedom — just enough to be comfortable, think universal basic income, guaranteed for life. What would you do with your time?” To be honest; I'm stumped. One of my biggest issues with traditional jobs has always been the lack of autonomy. I’ve always had a little oppositional defiance in me. Probably still do; it's just transmuted into something else. When I was in second grade, I punched my teacher for not playing by the rules of a game she made up. I also refused to wear my kindergarten graduation gown because I thought it looked stupid (mortifying my parents, I’m sure). So yeah, I was a weird kid. Throughout my 20s I came to grips with my sexuality, and maybe over-corrected a bit. I didn’t get into hard drugs or poppers like many in the gay community; shout-out to D.A.R.E. for working on at least one of us lol. I can't say the same for Scared Straight . Joking aside, I definitely got hooked on “electronic drugs” — Grindr, hookups, porn, the usual. So while Dr. Jekyll was supposed to be building a career, Mr. Hyde (pun intended) was coming out of the closet. By my late 20s, things started to shift. I stopped caring what people thought. I realized I didn’t have acne anymore, I looked good, I was confident. Then, at 31, I dated a narcissist with BPD. After cutting ties I'd sought therapy and my therapist told me exactly what was going on; my ex totally blind-sighted me. That relationship wrecked me. Constant blame, manipulation, and guilt. On one side, I was juggling a toxic partner. On the other, another miserable job. When both finally collapsed, it was like a reset button had been hit and I had zero shits left to give; I was oddly at peace with losing both. Then when I had a falling out with some "friends" turned business partners a few months thereafter; again I was at relative peace (granted; as my therapist would explain to me; one of those partners had a similar personality to my ex, if not worse. But because I'd already processed my ex and the fact that I wasn't sleeping with my business partner, it was a much easier break. Now, for the first time in 11 years, I’m not even remotely depressed (no drugs either unless you want to count Lamictal; which I take for epilepsy) I used to cry daily watching Leo’s videos, basically doing self-help masturbation, while thinking about suicide. I actually attempted twice, both times tied to career despair and identity chaos. Now the only time I bring it up is when I tell people how I survived it. I reconnected with an old friend a week ago (after six years). I think I said "I know I'm not a 10/10... maybe a 7/10, but I know I'm good enough and when I'm ready to date again that person is going to have an excellent partner" and he responded, “No, you look the same... but different. You’re easily a 9.5/10 and you had some sort of glow-up. For once look happy." So tying this all together... so what do I actually do with this hypothetical freedom? Part of me wants to go a little feral. To let loose all the repressed sexual energy and just live without guilt or rules. My ex killed off any real desire for a relationship (for now). More often than not I'd always do solo travel as a means of escaping sexual repression. In fact, the first time I came out was on a tour of Australia after my tour guide found me on Grindr (a dry-run before the real deal). Don't get me wrong, I love nature and that's why I chose Australia for my first solo adventure (perfect blend of nature and hot guys). While I'd love to do more nature travel, I can’t travel to most of Asia or Africa due to medication restrictions. For me, while I'm not super interested in European history (sorry in advance... I guess castles are cool and the food is always great at least) Europe is attractive to me because the guys are hot lmao. Most recently though I did go away to Costa Rica and I brought a friend (actually, my other ex... whom I now consider one of my best friends) and I didn't go for sex for a change and I did genuinely feel grounded and at peace there. I had several bucket-list destinations I'd wanted to visit and Costa Rica was the last one on the list (and possibly my favorite... neck and neck with Australia). Anyway, I know sexual indulgence, while fun, isn’t the real answer. It’s temporary. It’s not a calling. It’s just blowing off steam after years of repression. After eleven years of depression, losing myself in work and relationships, it’s like I’ve been dropped into an empty white room with a blank canvas. I’ve picked up some hobbies, joined a sports league, made new friends, got back in the gym after an injury. But those are just activities. That's not a life calling. I know y'all probably drank that out of a fire hose, but I'd love your take.

@Inliytened1 I think its a problem, but men cannot see it because society taught them to be hyper independent and we know the current situation of mens mental health as a result of that. Statistically speaking married or long-term partnered men live aprox 10 years longer than single men, they tend to commit less suicide, they are more successful, they are healthier, they have lower cortisol levels. Talking about humans in general, people with strong social and romantic connections have a 50% higher likelihood of survival when compared to those who were isolated or single. The worst thing you can do to a human is to put him/her in solitary confinement, it's funny how little effort men put into relationships given the data. Maybe Im a hopeless romantic but I think there is so much value in having a sacred union, a supportive partner, to help each other grow through life, there is a lot os goodness that was discarded with religion, we threw the baby with the bath water and now wee qre ll suffering in silence and dont even know why.

@Yeah Yeah Hm but why are you so adamant about suicide? I mean not like i'd stop you or anything but WHY do you feel like life is BS? Why do you think existence is just suffering? From my point of view it looks like your perspective is twisted in some way. Wouldn't you need to know how it feels to suffer to know how it feels to be content with your life? To me it feels like your statement about wanting to commit 100% guaranteed suffering free suicide is hiding something else. And i'm just assuming a lot of things here but maybe THERE IS something wrong here? But who knows, maybe you're not normal either and you genuinely get no joy out of life or something. I think you're just trying to cover something by being so adamant about the suicide thing. I don't know what you're trying to cover but it definitely feels like you're not telling the full story here. AGAIN i'm assuming a whole lot here (I'm assuming you're a pretty normal human with an average body composition and an average bio-chemistry, I'm assuming that you might have some sort of mental illness that you're trying to hide with the things you said about the government assisted suicide stuff and i'm also assuming that you actually want an answer that might be able to help you. I don't know you or how your mind works so I unfortunately have to do at least this many assumptions). I would like to know your thoughts on this video from actualized.org tho: curious as to what your answer might be. I also think Leo brought up some interesting points in this video.

The Argument for the Rightful Exit If reason grants us the ability to reflect on existence, it must also grant us the right to end it. The Stoics—Seneca, Epictetus, and later Marcus Aurelius—saw life as a loan, not a possession; returning it, when its purpose or dignity fades, is not sin but wisdom. David Hume, writing in the 18th century, argued that suicide violates no divine or moral law: it harms neither God nor society if one’s existence has ceased to benefit either. From that lineage comes the claim that civilization itself is incomplete until it acknowledges this right. Just as we developed medicine to prolong life, reason demands medicine to end it peacefully. A synthesized, humane compound—a painless, deliberate “exit”—should be as accessible as anesthetic, under the same reverence we give to birth, surgery, or sleep. Such an invention would not glorify death; it would dignify choice. It would recognize that the will to die, when born of lucidity, is not madness but metaphysical agency—the highest form of ownership over the self.

You refer to ethics as an objective criterion; if it's objective, then it must exist somewhere. So either it's a theological bias—it's written in a sacred book/one you believe in—or it actually just comes from your imagination and is probably just a reflex to generalize your superego, given that it's partly unconscious. Hence the fact that "atheists" who claim to be ethical will say something like, "It's something obvious deep down in each of us", well no, it's not universally obvious; it's just the projection of your own superego and, by extension, the ideas of your collective unconscious. Hence the fact that some cultures (Northern European and Anglo-Saxon countries, Hindus, etc.) have a higher prevalence of veganism regardless of social conditions. Even if you're not religious, if you don't go to church, etc., you have mental structures influenced by religion, and you generalize from that. Besides, Jung said that Europeans/white people are essentially Christian whether they like it or not, because it's ingrained in the collective unconscious. I don't have a moral compass; I don't think in those terms, at least not as much as you and others. It seems so. You are dismissing the solution of aligning the conscious with the unconscious. That is to say, the possibility that your moral compass is faulty. No, your moral compass is both conscious and unconscious (the unconscious part is precisely what motivates globalization under idealistic or even religious language such as "ethics" or "morality"), and your instinctual desires are fundamentally unconscious. Your conflict, on the contrary, is a confrontation between what you have learned, the legacy of your upbringing and the collective unconscious, as I said earlier, which are more or less conscious, and your atavistic desires. I mentioned neurosis somewhere because, without going into the psychoanalytic genesis of the phenomenon—that's not the point—the more neurotic a person is (we all are to some extent), the more they tend to go against their id as if it were good, a right thing, something worthwhile. Everyone exploits everyone else, even when you think you're in love with your boyfriend it's low-key energy business. As I've said elsewhere, even adopting your idealistic paradigm, yes, there are particularly unethical production chains, but they're a minority. Where I live, there's a lot of free-range cattle and chicken farming; many people also keep chickens because it's easy. These animals shouldn't live because they're "exploited"? That's delusional. Most vegans are indeed urban white people who constantly exploit others through their lifestyle; most of your gadgets were produced through exploitation, and not good exploitation at that. When you buy a smartphone, you're buying something from a company (Foxconn) that have suicide nets in their gigantic factories. Why is living a relatively peaceful life outdoors, safe from predators and hunger, before being quickly killed with a bullet to the head to feed people directly or indirectly (through manure), considered wrong? Like, why would that be "wrong"? Especially if, without getting into any of that nonsense, you don't particularly care about other humans. It's a strange delirium; the whole of life is exploitation and power dynamics. It's not ugly, it's just nature; what's ugly is hurting yourself and becoming hostile to others because you're living in a delirium.

Look up pictures of suicide cases a few days before they committed it. People look happy even tho they aren’t. It’s almost expected that you fake happiness in society. And happiness is transient anyways. Those people were both happy & miserable just like you and I. Trading half a dollar for 50 cents.

This is one of the things that bothered me for a long time after being sexually abused on multiple occasions. This included sex trafficking with my father and his gang, sexual assault, nightmares of being molested by my Uncle, and ultimate my mother teaching me that I am irredeemable bastard who is unworthy of existence. For example, my father seemed proud of the fact that he was offered 600 dollars to have me molested by his drug lord. It was as if he felt special as part of his badass gangster identity for being involved in a gang full of child molesters. I have seen this creepy ass smile multiple times with predators smiling in your face as they violate you. It is like they are trying to minimize what is happening while pretending it is about sexual gratification when really they just like degrading people to make them feel beneath them. These sorts of experiences tend to cause me a lot of cognitive dissonance. It makes me feel even more conflicted about my sexuality while I struggle to comprehend and process these sorts of things. I seem to typically respond to this by withdrawing and isolating myself and not talking to anybody. On top of that these kinds of incidents seem to compound the original trauma in which I became suicidal due to my mother treating me as if I were a sexual predator. It is almost like in some twisted way I deserve this kind of treatment because I repeated the behaviors I was exposed to with my sister when I was six and she was four. I now feel tainted and unclean. It is like I now become hypervigilant about anything about myself which might seem immoral and thus contribute to the sense of dirtiness again. At least I logically understand that sexual abuse is never justice and it never makes anything better, so in that sense nobody deserves this kind of treatment even if I feel like an irredeemable bastard unworthy of life. I do recall that this creepy smile that sexual predators often have are not limited to them, but also narcissistic family systems. My mother and sister are narcissists who often take sadistic pleasure in degrading me and weaponizing my trauma against me. Sometimes they will yell enough at me with their rage attacks to make me cry, and then they will start to give me these apologies while they are still smiling. They will even laugh when I try to take responsibility and use my admissions as tools to degrade me further while keeping approval permanently out of reach. For example, when I was young my mother came to me and told me that I was a bastard. She acted like it was a matter of fact statement because my parents were not married, but really she is a transgression seeker and she likes looking for ways to degrade others under the guise of honesty. The proof of this is that she is also the kind of person who likes to trigger people with the n word as if she is just being honest when really she is looking for ways to transgress and violate others because she finds pleasure in causing harm to others. This kind of behavior reveals her motives when she told me things like I was a bastard and as she weaponized morality against me to make me feel irredeemable and permanently unworthy of love. She likes to use morality to degrade others as well such as when she tries to guilt trip her children, shows disproportionate anger responses, and threatens suicide only to call such things little tiffs. Despite all of these things I constantly made excuses for my mother and father. Instead I believed the things they said about me even though these are the kinds of people who don't value truth and they really should not be trusted. I knew this as a child when I witnessed their criminal activities, but I still internalized what they said about me anyway. If they do not value truth and they prioritize causing harm to others, then this should apply to their judgement of me as well because they are completely wrong about who I am anyway. It seems the common factor between sexual predators and narcissists is that they take a sadistic pleasure in degrading others. It is just that one is through psychological means and the other is through sexual means. I have been working with a trauma therapist. It seems to be causing more insights to emerge around this trauma while I discover that my defense mechanism was intellectual distance. With these defenses falling away I am left with the raw emotional impact of these things. Of course this is accompanied by suicidal thoughts because I have been feeling this way for a long time. It is likely the case that I still do not grasp the full significance of the things that happened to me the weight of these kinds of feelings that have become normalized. I also notice that as I understand and grasp the significance of the things that happened to me, I seem to become more hesitant to approach these kinds of thoughts due to the feelings revealed without the intellectual distance and logic that I typically use to cope with these things by disassociating with my experience. At the same time, I cannot afford to go to the hospital. I have been misdiagnosed with depression when really I likely have bipolar disorder. The pills they game me made my internal state even more chaotic, leading to repeated hospitalizations and medical debt for ineffective treatment that ultimately caused me to lose my job while making me unable to attend college, leaving me with even more debt for no reward. The pills have caused me too much damage and I don't know why I should ever trust doctors when they start throwing pills at me again. What are your thoughts on this?

But the knowledge that is the biggest illusion is still a real illusion. That’s the whole point of the illusion, is to appear real. Why go to the cinema to watch a movie already knowing the characters on the screen are not real? Sorry James but you enjoy the movie you are in that’s why you continue to watch it, rather than try to escape it via suicide. Escaping the movie is also God escaping the movie. It’s all God. God already knows the movie isn’t real, that suicide isn’t real. God already knows the movie because God created it.

No man, it is only a metaphor. Suicide is escape. Surrendering is burning while alive.

Spiritually or ethically — whatever you want to call it — am I actually allowed to end this? We cannot possibly answer that for you. Is suicide an actual escape from this nightmare, or is it just more pain somewhere else? No there's no escape, you will only have to go through the same lessons in the next life until you evolve past that point. So think of it this way, you could be repeating the same pattern for thousands of lifetimes unknowingly. Let nature take its course, if the world becomes too much, you can always wander into the forest or live off-grid and never look back. There are many better options out there. There are billionaires who have done this (let all their material go) and are living much happier lives. I've been through hell and back several times in my life, it ultimately comes down to peace of mind. I realized since i was young that our human spirit was never designed for the world we live in today, especially the modern (artificial world), so to speak, rather its a distortion or disease within consciousness, that's how i've always seen it at least. Your role is to decide what works best for you and follow / live that way. Because man-made laws and rules are there, but they are not universal truths or laws, so there are always ways around that system (without violating its laws / rules) but you'll have to live and train yourself to live quite a different life than you've been brought up with. Its hard but pays off eventually. Give it another 5 - 10 years, the whole modernized world will likely crumble under its own core-rupted-ness.

@ted73104 I'll sign up for government assisted suicide today if possible test me I'll drink their concoction I'm out

@ted73104 My answer to Camus question is yes to suicide as the fundamental question before anything else, I'm ready. Yet he won the nobel prize and there is no talk beyond a yes only the no to rebel against life but I'm not going to rebel against an indifferent void that leaves me for interchangeable dust in the end. I personally disagree with life it's BS the whole set up is schitzophrenic madness or as Camus casually calls it "Absurdism". And no the options for a painless death don't seem readily available but I should have the right to exit.

This is a good question! Oh wait this is my own post ... I'm still ready for government assisted suicide I really have no idea why systems are in place to force people to remain alive like I can't talk to literally no one who respects my decision I want to die, literally people revert to forcing me to remain surviving even if it means hospitalization, forced medications and being labelled mentally deranged. I literally answer Camus number one question before all other philosophical inquiries as to whether or not to commit suicide and my answer is yes suicide is the answer for me personally but after that nothing else with actual assisted methods or respect for such choices - Like what am I supposed to do risk a do it yourself setup and risk botching it like how are you supposed to be born with no fucking exit - fuck that - There are lives out there easily visible that shouldn't be happening like slavery in ancient Rome for example, some cosmic force should have interviewed and prevented that shit, hopefully I don't die and spawn into worse of circumstances - To be born is essentially schitzophrenia madness like god is sadistic and doesn't know itself and a glitching shitty A.I. - To even be alive is madness, seriously, so in other words Camus calls it "Absurdism" which in other words is essentially schitzophrenia madness

Bro I think the life purpose course is gonna change your life You didn't elaborate much on this part but it leaves me very concerned for your mindset : Cognitively, I feel like I have a very clear plan and a path forward right now. I'm planning to work in my current job for a few year, save up some money, start a family. On the side, I would like to explore and start working towards my life purpose, and then eventually make the switch full-time after I've saved up some money and am sure about my life purpose. So really you have no plan and just hope it works out? That's what it reads to me. I don't know what industry you're in but surely you know that there is a huge wave of automation layoffs coming to all industries in the next 5 years? And I don't know how well versed you are in macroeconomics, finance and cryptocurrency but tl;dr the value of most fiat currencies is has been going to shit and is predicted to keep massively doing so over the next 10 years meaning the average job will pay less yearly? I'm very glad you lost motivation for your random job by just hearing about the possibility of a life purpose type orientation for your career. Obviously don't quit your job right away but not starting a business or at least a specialized career in this day and age is financial suicide.

I'm copying a lot of this text from my personal trip reports, which is why it's framed as me talking to myself. Yesterday I was feeling really awful, in a lot of pain, and I was really suicidal. I made the decision that I’ve had enough. I can’t live this life anymore. This has gone too far and gotten absolutely ridiculous. I cannot keep putting myself through this hell of a life. It’s cruel, it’s awful, it doesn’t end - I’m done. I’m going to give up on this life, and do whatever I can to make myself kill myself. If the universe wants me to stay alive and do something with my life, then it can make that happen. It’s had plenty of opportunities to do that, but it still won’t. So I am going to kill myself, get rid of this life, and if the universe doesn’t stop me and change something about my life, then it’s not my fault. I’ve done everything I can. I decided to take MDMA. I usually only use it with other psychedelics for healing purposes, and I wouldn't let myself use it for any other reason because it can be addictive, but I didn't care at this point, I was planning on killing myself later that day, so I took it just for my own enjoyment. Noticing my fear of killing myself I plugged the MDMA, it came on gradually and reached its peak after about an hour. During this time I felt SO good. I was journalling on my laptop, listening to music, and I felt amazing. It made me think again that it’s so stupid that I have to live this life and suffer so much for so long, when I could just be in a state like this, feel so good and not be in any pain. I started to think about what I was going to do after this trip. I knew this good feeling wouldn’t last and eventually I was going to go back to being in a lot of pain, and I needed to kill myself. I was really afraid to do that though. I really wanted to kill myself, but the thought of actually doing it is so scary. I don’t know if leaving this life is the right decision, I don’t know how I’ll feel after I die and where I will go, I was so afraid of it all. Eventually I realized that all of this fear I have only hurts me. I really don’t need to be so afraid, not just of killing myself but of life in general. I could see that this fear is an illusion and it’s something I could let go of. You need to have the courage to lose your life. I am so afraid of suicide, of dying, of losing control, moving into the unknown, etc. You need to see that there is really nothing to fear, you will be okay. Giving up my control I realized that I needed to get to the edge of suicide and seriously consider killing myself, right then and there, to really confront my fear of death. I saw that if I had the courage to let go and let myself die, that the universe would take control. If I totally surrender and give up all control of my life, the universe/my higher self will be able to come through me and live my life for me, and Tristan won’t be here anymore to suffer from this life, so I won’t have to physically kill myself to get the relief that I want. See that you can totally give up control to the universe, totally surrender, totally let go, and you no longer need to think about what you need to do to heal and move forwards in your life. That’s not your problem anymore. By totally giving up control over my life, you let the universe come through you and take over. This is exactly what I want, because I am absolutely exhausted from trying to make things work in my life. Just give up and relax. Your only objective at this point is to fully let go of control, and do whatever feels good to you. The thought of healing, moving forwards with my life, starting to work and make money, all of these problems in my life, they don’t matter to me anymore. Forget about all of them. If you get into a position where your back is against the wall and you are forced to do something you don’t like (such as running out of money and being forced to work when I don’t want to) then you kill yourself, no questions asked. You’ve been through enough pain in your life, you’ve suffered enough, it’s not your responsibility to try to make things work anymore. You need to trust that if you fully let go, the universe will take care of you. I’ve been so deeply suicidal for so long, and tried so hard to kill myself, yet I am still here. I am not going to get into a situation where I actually end up killing myself, even if I totally give up control and don’t care about doing anything to make my life any better. What I need to do moving forwards At this point, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, because it is no longer your responsibility to move your life forwards and make things work for yourself. Do whatever makes you feel good and whatever you feel like doing at all times. If you get into a situation where your back is against the wall, then you can kill yourself. Don’t force yourself to keep going through pain and living this life if you don’t want to. If the universe wants things to work out for you, then it will make that happen. Stop worrying about the problems in your life, stop trying to make things work for yourself, because that is not my problem anymore, and it only causes me more suffering to keep stressing about my problems and trying to figure them out. Give up on your life as if you were going to kill yourself, focus on making yourself feel good, and let that help you surrender control more and more, until Tristan is gone and the universe/my higher self has fully taken over me. There is nothing else you have to do. How it feels surrendering to my higher self As I surrender more, the universe will be able to enter my being more. I noticed that as my higher self starts to enter me, it cannot co-exist in my being with all of the emotional issues I have. I can feel a lot of emotional pain coming to the surface to be released as my higher self enters me. I’m sure as I surrender more and more, this will give me the opportunity to heal, and maybe this was the way I was always meant to heal, and this is why healing has never worked for me in the past. I can feel that once all of my emotional pain gets released, I will naturally start to feel like working and moving forwards with my life, but I won’t be forcing myself to do that, and Tristan won’t be the one doing it at all. I can feel that as my higher self really starts to take control, and Tristan falls away, my entire life will be directed by it. Tristan won’t be the one teaching about emotional healing and helping people. The universe will be living through me, helping people directly, and Tristan will be gone. When I surrender and allow my higher self to take control, I can feel myself entering an altered state of consciousness. Life doesn’t feel like a physical reality anymore, it feels like I am walking around in a dream, in an imagination, a mind. I also feel like I am more intelligent and insightful than I was before. Insight comes to me much more easily. I can feel myself being pushed to stop thinking so much and start to feel a lot more. Feeling is how I access my higher self and get direction from it. I can feel a lot of my neurosis and dysfunctional behaviours falling away. My higher self is not weak or afraid, it will not let people push it around, and I can feel a lot of my neurosis being corrected just as a result of my higher self entering me. I really feel like my healing will come from establishing my connection to my higher self, and as I surrender to it, I will receive the love I need to help me heal. . . . My objective now after that trip is to keep working on getting to a point where I can fully surrender and let my higher self take over. I have a lot of fear and resistance within me that prevents me from surrendering, so it will take work to get to the point where I can fully let go. This morning, I went to take a shower, and I was thinking about everything that happened yesterday, thinking about how crazy it is that my higher self is starting to take over me, along with how connected I've felt to existential love lately, such as the episodes of craziness I've had recently after touching existential love. Thinking about all of this together made me really see how obvious that I am awakening and moving towards existential love. As I was thinking about this, I starting crying, and I started acting crazy again and getting into an altered state of consciousness. It was deeper than usual. It felt similar to a state I would get into on a psychedelic, even though I was fully sober. It was a lot more clear, stable and lucid than psychedelics, and it didn't have the blurry headspace they often have. I felt dis-identified with myself, and everything felt so beautiful and amazing. I kept crying and acting crazy, and later I played music and it was absolutely mesmerizing. I was was also looking at pictures of beautiful girls, and was in absolute awe of their beauty - it was just radiating off of them. After I got out of the shower, I plugged 5-MeO-DMT. I was already planning to do it earlier that day. It was a low dose as usual, but I got into quite a high consciousness state from it. My intention was to surrender as much as possible, because that's what I need to be working on, and I left human life quite a lot by doing that. Here's what I got from the trip: You keep thinking that when you take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken, that this is just some state you get into, but your normal human life is what’s real. That’s not the case at all. The awakened state is what’s real, and you’re fooling yourself if you think that it’s not. You think that you can take 5-MeO-DMT and awaken to God, Leo can do that, other people on this forum can do that, and that is just some state you get into, and then you come back to this normal human life and that is what’s real. You’re fooling yourself. There is nobody else to awaken to God but you. This is your dream, you are only imagining that other people exist. Because of this you need to stop giving other people so much authority. You’re giving away your power to an illusion. The only thing that matters is that I awaken and realize the truth of what I am. You think that Leo has this life purpose where he teaches people how to awaken on YouTube, and he has this forum where you can go and talk to other people about awakening, and get advice, but all of this is a massive bullshit story you are creating. There is no Leo, there is no “Leo’s life’s life purpose”, there is no forum, there is no other people to talk to about awakening. All of this is something you’re creating yourself to lead you to awakening. It’s all me. See how foolish it is to give all of it so much authority, when it’s not real, and I’m the one creating it. It’s fine if you want to go back to the forum and live your human life like normal, but you need to stop giving Leo/the forum/people on the forum so much authority. You’re being an idiot by doing this. My relationship with God/the universe/my higher self is the only thing that matters, it’s the only thing that is real, so I need to follow that and obey that no matter what anyone else says. Otherwise, you are giving your power away to an illusion, and you won’t awaken by doing that. (This really helps me to trust what I experienced on MDMA yesterday, that totally surrendering myself and letting my higher self take over is absolutely the right thing to do) I started to surrender deeper, and I could feel myself connecting deeper with this higher consciousness state. I started to cry really hard, and I realized that God is what I have always wanted. Like Leo said: “when you want x, what you really want is God”. However you will only experience God once you completely, 100% surrender, which is something I am still working towards. . . . I'm currently doing better and not feeling suicidal. What I experienced yesterday with MDMA really made me feel a lot better. It's clear that I am headed to some sort of awakening, that my human self is going to fall away and my higher self will take over. I have developed such a deep hatred towards human life because of how much pain I've gone through, and I want to leave this life so badly, but it seems like if I just surrender myself and let go, my higher self will take over, and Tristan won't have to be here living this life anymore. It's also nice to know that it's no longer my responsibility to solve my problems or direct my life in any way. I am so exhausted from doing that, because I try so hard to change my life and it never works, and it causes so much frustration and suffering. Knowing that I don't have to do anything anymore, that I can just let go and let my human self die without physically killing myself, this is a huge relief. This both gives me a reason to stay alive, and it shows me that I will likely undergo a huge transformation over the next few months, and it will result in my higher self living through me, living my life, and Tristan will no longer be here. I'm sure that's what all of this pain I've been going through for years has been leading me to. I'm sharing this post only because all of this makes me really happy, and I love sharing it with other people who are into spiritual work

Well it depends on what you call bullshit. I've seen enough videos of people getting killed (murder and suicide) and I have to spend some hours afterwards in shock processing their dumbness. But at the end you laugh at the stupidity. You can hurt others, it is your own choice.

The history of Europe is the history of total war. Until not too long ago, it was assumed that the natural state of nations was war. Periods of peace were merely intervals between wars. Everyone enjoyed themselves with their colorful uniforms, drums, and trumpets, their bows, victories, and defeats, until the First World War arrived. Then the game shifted from a “savage sport of gentlemen” to “absolute horror.” From that cauldron of horror emerged dreadful figures who could only think of the next satanic orgy, while in Asia the Japanese descended into a state of collective madness, their repressed and ceremonial nature erupting into a wave of total aggression. With those ingredients came the Second World War, when the gates of hell opened. Let’s not deceive ourselves: the Americans and the British were simply a better business than the Nazis and the Japanese. And the gray empire that Russia imposed for decades over much of Europe was a sentence to suicidal depression. Thanks to the gods, who gifted us those works of art of destruction called nukes, the satanic orgy did not repeat itself again and again. Now humanity is condemned to understand each other, since the only alternative is annihilation. The law of life, which would have forced us to keep fighting forever for the sake of evolution, has met an absolute limit: the apocalypse. So, only the era of peace remains, one that will inevitably come sooner or later. Perhaps then we will all commit suicide together, out of sheer lack of meaning.

Resolve the core issue rather cause more issues by becoming a pariah state the world hates and getting hated on wherever you go as a tourist, sadly. Their not threatened from all sides. Their existence isn't at stake - its not a survival issue but a security issue caused by occupation. In other words - a security dilemma they have created by their own actions and continue to perpetuate rather than resolving the core issue. If a man takes my brother hostage with his gun to his head and arm around his neck - I don't just bomb the both of them. I also don't ask the criminal to step to the side to make space between him and my brother so I can bomb him anyway. If he wants something in exchange - it depends on what he's asking for. If the demand is nonsense and maximalist (such as I commit suicide in exchange for my brothers life ie Israel doesn't exist in exchange for a Palestinian state) then things get complicated and messy. If its a balanced demand (ie they want to exist in a Palestinian state with sovereignty along side Israel) then it should be entertained. If the demand is for a inalienable right the world already has consensus on and that I have little ground in standing in the way of - unless I want to be hated by the world for doing so and gaslight everyone for being anti-Semitic - then it makes sense to let the right manifest. It's called diplomacy and win-win cooperation - something Western hegemony is too arrogant for.

There’s something deeply twisted in the social expectation that men should surrender themselves in relationships — to yield their sovereignty, to cater, to open themselves up to a stranger and call it love. I’m not talking about partnership built on mutual power. I’m talking about the modern conditioning that frames male fulfillment as the act of giving up the very core of what makes him independent — his throne, his command post, his edge. Look closely. The word surrender is often wrapped in romance — “sweet surrender,” from man and who is to receive the special treatments and privileges as "serenade"? Women are on the receiving end of that a man surrender of resources, time, status, and sovereignty to be approved by a woman sexually. Who gets the luxury of receiving the surrendered masculine? It’s not him. It’s often someone who hasn’t earned that place — a stranger who isn’t stronger, wiser, or more spiritually advanced than him. Why should a man surrender to someone than himself — just because society has baked it into the script of dating and intimacy? It’s not noble. It’s not divine. It’s survival suicide. You’re literally training your nervous system to prioritize the survival of another over your own — and that’s not romantic, it’s pathological. Sovereignty isn’t coldness. It’s clarity. It’s the refusal to give your energy to a system that benefits from your collapse. If you’re not building your kingdom — spiritual, mental, physical — you’re being asked to decorate someone else’s. For me, the deeper I go into sovereignty, the more allergic I become to emotional contracts disguised as spiritual growth. If a woman expects me to give up my edge to make her feel safe, I’m out. That doesn’t mean I’m incapable of love. It means I value self-respect over validation, clarity over codependence, and spiritual autonomy over social conformity

Things in this world can get pretty heavy. Recently a top chess grandmaster and personality i liked to watch to learn about chess died [unconfirmed but most likely due to suicide] based on cheating accusations from Vladimir Kramnik and a whole series of cyber bullying. Be kind to one another and forgive yourself and others.