Emerald

My experience has been that having a relationship is helpful because it provides connection needs, which gives me energy and meaning and support. And I find that my productivity suffers if I feel like I'm disconnected. Mind you, my experiences have been with relationship partners that I've co-habitated with. So, it's not like I have to go out of my way to see them. It's more like the relationship partner just becomes the soil.

I didn't say a single thing about what women are attracted to or not. But thank you for volunteering that information. The other guy said you were cringe for saying that you're hot women's catnip. You told him "You're just jealous." And then I said... nope... that's definitely factually cringe.

Definitely not. Sex and the City can give you a sense of what kind of tv shows a lot of women tend to like to watch. But generally, female characters in movies and shows are typically written by men because it is a male-dominated industry. And they also tend to be very underwritten... though I can't speak to the dimensionality of the characters in Sex an the City because I haven't more than one or two episodes. But what you're seeing is a fantasy that's meant to appeal to women but that's usually crafted by male writers. So, it won't depict much in the way of accurate female behavior. It's similar to how you can't watch a James Bond film and understand very much about male psychology from the actual behavior that James Bond displays and the choices that he makes. It's a fantasy fulfillment character. And to a somewhat lesser extent, so are the women from Sex in the City. If you want a movie that's really good for understanding female psychology and experiences, the most relatable that I've found is the Disney movie "Turning Red" which is about the female adolescent experience. I watched it and I was like "hmmm... that is SOOO on the money." And that's because it was created by a woman who build the story around her actual experiences as an adolescent... with some extra magic flourishes added.

Let's just be really real here... The phrase "Hot women are cats, and I am catnip" is definitionally cringe. There's just no other way to slice it.

Nice!

What I have experienced is that the life-purpose is more innate. In one of my Ayahuasca experiences, it showed me that my life's purpose was "mercy". And it showed me how mercy had been a CONSTANT driving force in my life all the way throughout even back to my earliest memories. Think of this as like a North Star where it is a constant guiding light... or like the natural flow of the current of the truest deepest will. But it is deliberately left very open-ended so that you can choose any scale or form to express it in. I could scale it down and just give myself mercy. Or I can scale it up and find ways to give mercy to the whole world. And I can choose many different jobs and careers that intertwine with mercy. Or I can choose to not incorporate this life's purpose into my work if that were my choice. So, there is also a high degree of choice within it. But if you want to find the life's purpose, look for your most honest and most persistent motivation that shows up in your life CONSTANTLY. It is subtle but pervasive... and you can spot it if you know how to look for it.

It's connected to Trump because, if he gets into office, he would most certainly take as much liberty as the law gives him to fire any dissenting voices and appoint Trump loyalists. Really it would allow any politician to do that. But he already has a strong proclivity for that type of behavior. But you are correct that Project 2025 is more the work of right wing think tanks. But if Trump or any Republican gets elected, it gives these think tanks a lot of leverage to implement this plan because these think tanks are the ones that fund their campaigns.

I used to have a lot of these fears when I was in my 20s. And it's hell to think about it this way because it genuinely can feel like you're going to age out of lovability. And it creates this pressure to get all the love you can while you're still in your youthful years. And my identity was so wrapped up in this, that it was difficult to untangle. I started worrying about aging when I was 16 years old... and the fears peaked in my late 20s. Now I'm 35, and my perspective has shifted so much that I'm genuinely out of the woods with it... which I never thought I would be. I feel above it in most ways. It's like being able to see that the emperor has no clothes in a way. I had similar feelings of anxiety as a kid. When I was like 8-10 years old, I used to worry that I wouldn't grow out of childish things like playing with toys. But once I got to be a tween/teenager, I wasn't even interested in toys anymore. There are a few things that helped shift my paradigm most of all. The first thing was to realize that I was projecting my dynamic with my mom onto men as a whole group. And one of my traumas was aging out of my connection with my mom... as we were very close until I was 8 and then the relationship became strained. And so, I transferred a lot of feelings about my mom onto boys and eventually onto men where I was trying to get the love where it felt impossible to get the love and that any love and admiration that I got from men would be lost with age. The second thing was to see the vulnerability in men as they age. Young men are often not as conscious of this as young women are. But men want to love and be loved too. And they are really capable of loving a woman, even if you seem to see evidence online that they're not on all these alpha male podcasts. And that love extends far beyond looks... even if they are consciously fixated upon more lustful things and looks. Eventually, (usually by the mid-30s to early 40s at the latest) men start wanting to settle down and create families. But they have to first get past the fantasies of being the playboy first, if they have those. Otherwise, they will feel they're missing out. And men who end up leaving their wife in search of a very young woman are often trying to live out a fantasy that they feel will make their life somehow more fulfilling... usually to find that it doesn't scratch the itch. The third thing was to find secure connections and be able to define my identity outside of being desirable to the male gaze. Honestly, the male gaze is not very meaningful if you know what really drives men to focus on women so much. So, a lot of the attention and adoration that women get from men comes from insecurity and wanting to be the masculine guy with the hot young women who are interested in him. So, it doesn't come from a very deep place when a man looks for a hot young woman. But men are capable of loving very deeply if they can get past this phase. Shame will tend to hang them up in this phase though... looking for the archetypal woman to validate him. But most of all, getting to know mature men as friends is helpful in dispelling feelings like men aren't capable of loving and being attracted to a woman beyond youthful appearance.

I have a framework for Shadow Work that has similarities to IFS work, though I'm not super familiar with all the ins and outs of IFS.

Women's collective wound is powerlessness.

If you're in a position to buy a home, definitely buy one! A monthly mortgage is usually cheaper than monthly rent. And you're investing in something that could appreciate in value and that you could resell later on. It's way better than throwing your money away on rent every month.

This feels like a coping mechanism for feelings of disconnection and a sense of powerlessness to solve that disconnection.

I saw some statistics on this a year or two ago. The average age gap in the U.S. is 2 years where the man is 2 years older than the woman. In poorer countries, that age gap increases with the biggest average age gap being 6 years (if memory serves).

When I was 20, I experienced a huge shift where I suddenly got unattracted to men in their 20s and was only attracted to guys in their 30s up to early 40s. I can look back now, that this was a desire for what I perceived as a symbol of stability and maturity. And I was dealing with a lot of chaos and disconnection at the time. I really didn't have a support system. I would say beware someone in that 30-40 age range that would date a 20 year old as they are often lacking in maturity. And I would look to see if there are any reasons why these attractions might be arising as it may indicate things like feeling unsupported and/or a lack of a support system... and a desire to find a maternal figure to provide what is lacking. I understand however, that that heart wants what it wants. When I was 20, I was so deeply entrenched in these feelings about older men that I was literally incapable of being attracted to anyone under the age of 28. I would just say that it would be wise to seek to understand this on an emotional/psychological level and to be careful who you allow into your life as you would likely find immature women of that age who are looking for a totally different dynamic than what you're likely looking for.

I think I've heard Jordan Peterson talk about the "tame the animal" idea before. He talks about how a man shouldn't seek to be harmless... but dangerous and in control of his dangerousness. There are angles with which that is true, and I have worked with men who repress their more animalistic side and their aggression. I actually have a close friend of mine who grew up in a very patriarchal Mormon town. And he had lots of issues with his dad. So, he had/has this whole dynamic around wanting to avoid being "like the other guys" who he sees as too aggressive. I talk often with him (and mostly male) clients of mine about a dynamic that I refer to as the 'lion and lion-tamer' dynamic. And this has to do with integrating both aggressiveness and self-control. This is an issue that afflicts men who try to declaw themselves because of shame they have in their aggressive side as they don't want to be "like those other guys". But this lion/lion tamer dynamic is very subtle when it's done correctly. When a man integrates his lion, the spark of his instinctual aggressive vibes show through his otherwise warm-hearted and interesting personality like a glittering light. And it makes a man very magnetic. And that's part of what I find attractive about the men that I mentioned, because I can see the lion and lion tamer in them dancing together. Men who are too much lion tamer and no lion aren't interesting. But men who are too much lion are also not interesting. When those two elements are integrated, you get a brilliant and unique expression of the Masculine. And it's a personal tendency to be attracted more to men who are a bit more reserved with their lion as it creates mystery and intrigue where I feel like I can unveil the hidden lion in him. Kind of like the male equivalent of "lady in the streets and freak in the sheets." For example, young Mr. Rogers is on my list. And what I find appealing attraction-wise about him is that he was such a caring and warm-hearted person and he gave this speech back in the 70s or thereabouts that shows this very fatherly energy where he cares deeply about children's well being. And he doesn't wear his sexuality or aggression on his sleeve at all. He is so fundamentally wholesome and high vibrational. But I also know that he's still a human man with male instincts. And the thought of rousing the lion in that sort of a man (who has tamed his lion) is intriguing to me in ways a heterosexual male might not understand or appreciate. But some women may also have the opposite preference where she wants a guy who is a bit more ostentatious with his lion. That's also a preference that many women have. But there is no dichotomy here of "fake men" vs "real men". All men are real men. They are just different.