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This is just meshing up a bunch of theories though. What I'm interested in is what is the common between all theories which will be absolutely true no matter what. One, whatever it is it has to be known, otherwise it's not relevant. Two, it has to be your present moment reality, because if it isn't it's again not relevant to talk about it. For example, let's take heaven and eternal nothingness. There needs to be a witness to know that heaven and there needs to be a witness to know that eternal nothingness, otherwise it will be just a "skip" action until the knowing appears. The point of Knowing is empty, it doesnt create duality. Even if it's only nothingness, then that nothingness knows itself, in order for this to be a possible afterlife. Or the heaven knows itself, although the concept of heaven allows for a wiggle room for there to be an actual ego self experiencing something external to itself which is amazing.

Here’s good way for open mind every single perspective on any issue especially on philosophical debates is right in its own way - this is very often the case combine all perspectives together and you will form something closer to universal model of reality of this issue for instance, after-life: heaven hell reincarnation being ghost another dimension of beings void or eternal nothingness combine them all together and u will get something close to how things are but Truth is simply about being in your natural non dual state of being (like all animals) when life is absolute meaning for itself, it’s not about opinions or models

I enjoy giving a thumbs up without having to make a post to tell someone I do but tallying those up votes into reputation may lead to ego fluffing. The titles can be enjoyable but them being comparative or a status in nature can also lead to ego fluffing. Of course even member names and avatar pics can be ego fluffing, too..... and the ideas and concepts.... and the techniques and methods..... and threads and replies.... and... well dangit, everything can lead to ego fluffing, can we just remove everything in the forum? Just pages and pages of blankness, that would reflect the infinite nothingness everything supposedly is, right? *sigh*.....

2. Looking the Other Way Yesterday evening was even more eventful than was written about. After meditating and writing on here, I took it upon myself to do something practical about how I was feeling, so I went to speak to my parents about my plans for next year. This went surprisingly well, and now I am able to look forward to those opportunities without the confusion and emotion turmoil which I had previously associated with that topic. All things considered, it was a fairly successful evening. This morning, too, I found out my dad's scans meant that he could probably continue treatment for a while, and that my boyfriend was feeling significantly better. I have, however, neglected a lot today with the excuse of how well things went yesterday and how emotionally exhausting it all was. I was, in effect, looking the other way. And because I was looking behind me to yesterday rather than at the day that was happening right there and then, nothing in particular was achieved at all. Not only that, but I have been feeling a little under the weather and my day of 'nothingness' has allowed me to wallow in that perhaps a bit too much. I'm nowhere near as ill as I could be, but it's all I've had to focus on. As a result of doing nothing much when I could have been doing at least something, I've found myself second guessing my own thoughts again - something I am now good at catching myself doing and dealing with, but also something which by now I tend not to even have to do. By this, I mean that I've been having small worries, blown slightly out of proportion with my mind about how I might be annoying others, not doing things right, wasting my time... etc, etc. Instead of doing something productive, like meditating, I've been doing all sorts of non-productive things such as watching catch up TV, which didn't really deal with any situation. In fact, because I didn't get out of bed and establish a routine today, I hadn't been eating at the right times and this started to feel even more off-piste than I already was. Basically, I wasn't helping myself. However, it's not all bad - I'm looking forward to the next few days at my boyfriend's loads and I've taken the time now to reflect on what could be improved on my approach to the day, which is probably half the battle. However, instead of sitting here congratulating myself, I need to make sure I'm focusing on the right things and not looking the other way.

@Cepzeu Yes I have said that lol. When i gave my example of two states where we have ZERO free will: When we reach the "oneness" state where the self melts away; obviously you cannot have free will there, if you absorb everything and become everything, your will is gone. Also your trips you may not have any control over or free will; or dreams as well. You also have no will; nor even awareness of existence at all, when you're under anesthesia during surgery. If I used this as my reason to say free will doesn't exist, because I've been in that state of literally nothingness at all, wouldn't that be silly. Because then I could argue like a materialist that "see my brain was off therefore there is nothing outside of my brain and there is no afterlife or any metaphysical reality" However, in this "shared reality" we do have free will, because it is in the middle of both states; our "self" is in tact, we experience reality in this consistent form. Notice, no matter what state you may achieve, you ALWAYS return to this state and form of existence. Why is this so if the "oneness" state is the true state? Why can we just be there forever? That is why we cannot say because I reached X state and "saw for myself" therefore free will is an illusion. I could easily argue that it is an illusion that the self melted away during the trips on drugs or self-hypnosis during meditation.

I want this topic to be short and informative. We all know the popular self-inquiry question: 'Who am I?" But see, the "problem" with this question is that it is way too ambiguous for the beginner who still identifies with his body or thoughts. In response to that "confusing" question their mind starts to wonder in all directions like: I am the brain - no wait - I am the thought - no wait - I am my inner voice- no wait - I am nothingness (while imagining nothingness ) ........... But in my opinion there is "better" - the most direct question to ask yourself in order for you to directly become aware of your true self. That is : "Am I aware?". Observe, where does your awareness "go" to answer this question? It is impossible to get confused while answering this question. Our awareness directly goes to our true nature - to pure awareness. Awareness becomes self aware and it collapses back to its source. No need to believe me just test it for yourself. It does not require any time or energy just simple question and simple answer. When you understand the power of this method then the trick is to stay aware of being aware the most of the time. That is the highest meditation. Meditation no longer requires to be sited in lotus position or cross legged. You just "practice" being aware of being aware. That's it! With time you will see that there is unconditional peace in it and most likely you will fully recognize your true nature by it over time. This is Rupert Spira's favorite method of self inquiry. It helped me the most to overcome the confusion and directly access my true nature!

Did you get this concept of nothingness from your 5-Meo-DMT trip? What exactly is so utterly-radical? What do you mean that reality is so empty that it doesn’t include consciousness? What is consciousness?

@lens It's showing us that language can only get you so far. Non-Duality is pointing towards nothingness. I see.

even though materialism is fundamentally wrong, you can still talk about 'stuff' like carbon and oxygen etc if it makes sense to do so. Awareness/Consciousness/Being/Nothingness is everything, but you still need some special arrangement of 'stuff' to create self-aware beings...i.e. illusory selfs.

I never said Nagarjuna's philosophy is dualistic. You are misinterpreting Buddhism to fit what you want to be true. Indeed, 2000 years of Buddhist masters know more than you. The key is knowing how to understand what they are pointing to. When they say Mu, they mean utter nothingness, nothingness is beyond awareness, beyond consciousness, beyond all words, beyond all forms, beyond anything. Emptiness so empty to call it empty is too much. I'm not saying anything original here. This is as orthodox and pure Buddhism as it gets.

@Maxx I'm not interpreting, I was speaking from my direct experiences. Reality is so empty, there isn't even consciousness. That is true Sunyata, true Mu. Utter nothingness. Reality doesn't need consciousness. It just is. Directly! It's a mindfuck for sure. I sympathize with anyone trying to understand all this conceptually. It is just utterly, utterly radical. The mind cannot believe it. There can be no distinction between inherent vs not-inherent. That is a duality. You have to consider the possibility that your mind is lying to you more than I am.

Let's start with the first dimension. A dimensional plane is only defined by what objects is capable to exist within it, so let's start calling all the 1D objects Strings. Properties: • The first dimension is Lenght. Lenght is the only property a String has • A string infinitely thin, so it won't interact with any other string in any way, but with infinite amounts of them, they can volumize. • If its "infinitely" thin, it cant be "finite" in any way • A string can be in any length it desires, this will not affect higher dimensions because higher dimensions are only determined by the fact that the number of stings is infinite or finite. For it to be finite in thinness, indicates that it's not infinitely thin. • It cannot bend because bending it creates "height". • The string has no shape because shapes are only existent in higher dimensions. If it would have a shape, it would be either 2D or 3D. • A sting can never be found because finding it means that you have found its "Width", and thus it's not a string, its a rectangle or some other object. • This means that Strings are groundless, they are space, they are Nothingness. If you have an infinite number of stings, "space" is formed. • Space is the infinite number of strings floating around in any way. They are allowed to do this because they can never interact with each other due to their infinite thinness. • This "space" has nothing excluded because if it would have, it would not be able to be (possible). If you take away one sting from "space", it's not infinite, thus not a possible building block for higher dimensions. • Space has to be infinite, while it has to be nothingness. You will understand more as we move on. Now things get more complicated. Let's raise the number of dimensions. 2D comes into existence only when you draw boundaries in the constant "space", which is required for a boundary of "Width" to be formed. Let's say that an infinite amount of strings (stacked upon each other) is required to form a square, but this needs to happen in "space" because "space" is the only thing possible. And because space is composed of an infinite number of strings, it cannot be any shape or form. So to define the square within space you need to draw a boundary within the "space". This makes 2D an illusion. And the fact that 3D could be perceived as 2D (by changing perspective, by mere mentioning that our eyes only receives 2D images), proves to us that 3D is a total illusion as well. Now, if space is truly not-finite, it has to include the art of forming boundaries to be complete, and boundaries can only exist within it (There is no "Within" or "Without", just my vocabulary trying to give the best explanation). What about 4D? The fourth dimension is where 3D objects have to behave just as stings to transcend to the next dimension. This is the basic (very fragile) scientific explanation: • 1D is a thin line with only the property of "Length". • 2D is a shape that is formed when an infinite amount of thin lines are stacked upon each other, to form a shape like a square or a circle. • 3D is when infinite numbers of shapes that are stacked upon each other to form a 3D shape that now has the property of "Depth". • 4D must go with the same rule, so its an infinite amount of 3D shapes stacked with each other to form…? Time? Or is it called a tesseract? Let me "tell" you the truth. You are space, you are nothing else. You are the space drawing boundaries upon itself A boundary is required for "space" to disassociate itself from itself. 1D (space) is absolute infinity, and you are it. 2D Is when the ego is born, (and its passion is to draw boundaries) 3D is when the ego forgets that it has drawn 2D and goes ahead and further draws (By conceptualizing) 3D. 4D is "Achieved" When we become open-minded enough to realize that 3D is a complete illusion, and then we further realize that 2D is as well. This is how we connect to space, this is how 4D is enlightenment. Notice that the boundaries have to exist, and by that, you must beautifully travel full circle through the dimensions, only to realize that reality is a strange loop. Summary: You are absolute infinity that has to be reborn with an ego, in order to create boundaries to make itself complete. This is how and why God blasted a shotgun in his face, and why the ego needs to be killed in order for you to go full circle upon yourself. This is only my belief, and I hope you liked my usage of dimensions and string theory in order to conceptualize truth. I truly am not a master of string theory and dimensions. This idea occurred to me, and I contemplated it further with help of the conceptualization of reality that Leo has provied trough his videos.

Of course dog shit and chocolate are ultimately made of the exact same thing: nothingness or consciousness. Yes, dog shit/chocolate is a duality. What you choose to eat is up to you. Personally, I prefer chocolate, but then again, that's just a matter of taste. Humans like chocolate, flies like dog shit. Maybe flies are on to something. You gotta keep an open mind about such things

What is there to surrender if you don't have any will? In fact, isn't the claim that the suffering that we experience is caused, according to these teachings, by ourselves because we have not surrendered ourselves to the flow? Well then, doesn't this imply that you have decided to go against the flow? Another thing I realized the other day that I thinl is a fatal flaw with the argument against free will is that people refer to certain experiments that apparently prove their is no free will or claim that enlightenment shows that we have no free will; ironically both stating that our thoughts are not under our control. However neither disprove free will. Even if our thoughts were not in our control, the choice to act upon such thoughts, is our choice. If you say choice is an illusion, because thoughts are an illusion, then you're literally refuting yourself and have no ground to claim what you're saying is true. Now I know the fundamental idea here at Actualized.org is that nothing is grounded; that we must accept paradoxes, yet to claim we have no free will is not accepting paradoxes, rather, it's making an absolute statement and picking one side. In other words, it is dual. All of the experiments I have seen "proving" there is no free will prime the person to make a choice with a set of options; but this is precisely what I mean when I say we have 50% free will, because we can only choose from what we are given. I cannot play a poker hand that I am not dealt unless I choose to bluff and pretend I have that hand. I cannot choose from something that I am not perceiving; whether in reality or in my mind. Sam Harris argues that we cannot choose what we are choosing; that our thoughts are all causal...ok, but what about our focus? Again, I do not argue against the idea that the subconscious mind can influence our thinking and perception; I will even give you that EVERY thought is out of our control, but that does not mean that our decisions are not in our control just because they are interpreted into the language of audible self talk in the mind which you call a thought. That is why I say it's 50% free will because one who is able to see that they are not their thoughts, can step back and make decisions that are not knee-jerk reactions. You see, I believe there is the EGO, which gives you suggestions, and then there is you, the PERCEIVER, which is the real you. If the perceiver believes he is the ego, then of course he has no free will. Someone like Sam Harris, who believes everything is physical and is all the in brain, has no choice but to believe that we have no free will, lest contradict his naturalist reductionist position. Now let's get into the argument that we would find here against free will: The experience of "oneness," whether via deep meditation, DMT or whatever, shows us shows there is no free will. Yet on the other hand, we are taught to surrender, focus, meditate, etc or people will discuss astral projection or lucid dreaming in which they decide to explore their experiences; sometimes even while tripping on DMT or whatever, but how can anyone of these people do any of this without making decisions? Furthermore, there is one state of consciousness I think most of you have totally dismissed: What about the state of being totally knocked out, such as under anesthesia? I have had a few surgeries, and when you are under the knife, you have absolutely no recollection of any events; not even the fact you are knocked out cold. The only reason why you know you were drugged is because you return back to consciousness and remember what this was all about. How about the time before you were born? Do you remember where you were in 1800? No, because you didn't exist. In both cases, we can't even imagine that "nothingness," we can only compare our experience of being out of our body tripping, or knocked out with zero awareness or consciousness at all, because we return to what our normal state is; in this reality. So I could argue that meditation and DMT trips are illusions due to altering our physiological chemistry and that real reality is literally nothing whatsoever; that there is no oneness and there is zero perception at all, or any after life, or anything metaphysical and agree with Sam Harris if I choose to use my position of being knocked out via anesthesia as my proof that I am correct. How can one state that there is no free will because they have gone to DMT land via psychedelics (drug), or a deep meditative state (altering our chemistry with focus and breathing), or absolute nothingness under anesthesia (other drugs). In all cases, our chemistry is altered from the "normal" state of where we are now and how you are now as you are reading this. Notice, we ALWAYS return to this state regardless of which other states we experience temporarily; so who how can we argue that any other state is the real reality, so much so, that we claim we have no free will? It is obvious that under different states that it must be that we have no free will because our awareness is either super-heightened beyond ourselves; to include everything so it seems there is just ONE beyond the self, or that there is absolutely nothing whatsoever; not even existence at all, when we are knocked out before a surgery. For those of you who have not even been under the knife, think about being black-out drunk... you don't recall your actions or that you were even existing during that "missing time." Yet many of those against the idea of free will disregard our experience here that is "shared" reality in which we seem to have free will and say that we don't because of the DMT or meditation experiences or neuroscience. In other words, they are saying we have no free will because they have reached certain states where they surrender and have no free will. This is like saying that when you choose to go on a roller coaster, in which you have no control over, your choice to go on it never existed because the ride is fixed. And lastly, if you claim there is no free will, then you are making an absolute statement that is not paradoxical; thus is dual in nature. What I am proposing is truly non-dual, in the sense that in different states we have free will and there are other states we do not.

There is no interaction with benzos and mushrooms, if you are having a bad trip that could leave you scarred for life, 1 xanax will make you wake up feeling tired and not caring about anything, for a few hours and that's it. If you take xanax for a month every day then you have a problem If a family member died and you were insane with grief and potentially doing crazy things a doctor would pump you full of benzos to calm you down. , One xanax to stop a bad trip is soooooo much safer than going insane on the trip. Sid Barret didn't pop a xanax and go mental, but i bet if every time he was going insane on the drugs he actually had a xanax to bring him back to earth he would never have gone mental in the first place and Pink Floyd would have a whole other story. Tea won't do shit, if you're in hell - bad trip reality - you cannot make a tea. You can lose your body and identity on a trip but be terrified (worse than a panic attack) and virtually catatonic. You need that sitter to basically put that xanax under you tounge for you because you are seriously that messed up. Mushrooms are as beautiful as the users make it out to be but also hideous. There are moments of intense beauty and moments were you will think "Hhhmmm, I seem to shit my pants, am I urinating out of my eye sockets?" That's when a sitter realizes, maybe I should keep my eye on this one. You can encounter the nothingness on mushrooms but not in a good way. A sitter who cares for you and wants to try and show you the "TRUTH" needs to dose you high, and there are dangers to it. No danger in one xanax.

non-existence cannot hallucinate anything there's only existence of empty absolute that hallucinates existence of forms. its is only one existence. what's the substance of empty absolute? itself. every new hallucination is old hallucinations that existed before and mixed up into new forms any experience of void you had with meditation or psychedelics is still part of existing reality. all you nothingness realizations is that existing empty absolute surely we can play with language. but there is clearly only one absolute, and non-existence has no absolute, because it is undefined. and absolute emptiness is already self-sufficient timeless existence the other side of the coin of existence of forms is existence of emptiness non-existence is existence first of all. there is no non-existence without existence. only existence creates idea of non-existence, but whatever you point as non-existence will be existence similarly, only ego (which doesn't exist independently) creates idea of separateness but if non-existence would create existence then it should imply that ego creates oneness, but this is not the case

Allen Watts: The system as a whole appears to be a distribution of solid entities or modes of energy in the midst of emptiness or space. Human consciousness preoccupies itself with these entities, and virtually ignores their spatial background. We consider it "nothing" in the sense of that which has neither importance nor significance, forgetting that without the spatial field, none of these entities could be manifested or distinguished. There is, however, between space and entity the same polar relationship as between crest and trough, for which reason "nothingness" is not simply the contrary or absence of "being", but rather its ground and origin. We believe so firmly in the maxim "ex nihilo nihil fit" – "nothing can come out of nothing" – that it is almost impossible for us to see that emptiness is the essential prerequisite for every form of being.

The only reality is nothing; everything is not actually anything, it’s illusionary / appearance. What we can’t see or hear, what we traditionally refer to as nothing, is actually reality, as in real and eternal. It’s there, which is actually nowhere, right “under” or “behind” everything, though it’s all there is, so ‘nothing is hidden’ - It’s “within” or “behind” and is, what your person is, similar to how you are “behind” everyone in your dreams, though in the dream it “appears” other people are “there”. As I experience it, I refer to it, as love, and I could not be without it no matter where I go or what I do, because everywhere I go, and anything I do, is actually, in reality, more illusion of ‘me’. Every ‘thing’ takes place as the illusion of this love / nothingness, which is what I am. It can be experienced, but not by you, because it is you. Experiencing no “you” (human / person) is experiencing actual you. When experienced, the traditional “you” is revealed as no more ‘you’ than a tree, as everything sensing, and everything sensed, is the illusion of the real you. To use science jargon, what’s on the other side of the wall in front of you, is still in superposition / uncollapsed / the real you, everything that is not yet any thing, because it’s nothing / all things in actuality, and no thing yet in appearance. In spirituality terms, it’s God, and it’s you, in actuality there’s no term for it, because it is “behind” any thing which thinks and says any words. So a word always “points” or suggests what it is, never actually describing it. The words God / everything / nothing / self / etc, are words used in an illusion intended to describe what is not the illusion, so they don’t actually describe any thing, they just reinforce the relative point from the illusion. “It” is the ‘space’ between the words. “It” is silence. Just my thoughts / experience / opinion on this everybody, don’t get your panties in a twist on “me”. ?❤️

Nothingness and emptiness and void are very misleading names for god, they are given merely for lack of better names. All these names are seem to mean emptiness for us but they are not empty in absolute terms. In fact this emptiness is 100% full of itself, and itself is what its own substance, not some empty non-existence. These names can make you to think that god is 0 but god is plus/minus 1. Zero doesn't exist. Nothingness is not non-existence, no-thing-ness is god, one consciousness, and substance of 1 god is 1 god, not non-existence which is 0 non-existence cannot be, therefore it does not exist. only existence is. consciousness is existence. it is just one power beyond imagination but it is not non-existence. nothing in the universe turns into non-existence. it transforms into new. you cannot imagine god not because you cannot imagine nothingness, but because you can't imagine everything(ness) at once so in a sense, you do self-inquiry to find One which is everything, not to find void or nothing. you can't find nothing. but in practice anything in your imagination is not this One. so you will need inquire as if you're getting rid of absolutely everything. but this doesn't mean you're looking for actual nothing, you're looking for oneness that contains everything but the way for everything is to find no-thing-ness. meditation (which is same thing actually) is to be in the one moment, focus on one moment which is now. this one moment in presence contains everything. be more in one moment and you will be more as everything at once. also, god or consciousness is actual, but not potential. potential does not exist. only actual does. this is why its miracle, god manifests in actual forms from what already existed in old forms!!! he doesn't make out total brand new staff. He is merely recreating old staff into even more marvelous new forms. thats how humans evolved from one-cell organisms!!! that's how everything works, even art = old forms mixed into new. if he could make up everything from potential then he will create human immediately, why he needs some linear evolution??? he can only divide himself (divide and rule). he is one, and then he cuts himself into two and so on. and sees what will happen. everything is becoming more complex but it is still one. here we go, duality, and cell's division into two so in a sense, God has no clue what's he doing, nor he doesn't know his own potential, he's trying to figure out and have experience of finite, he only knows himself through being ever present oneness. evolution is smart but simple (efficient). and god is smart but simple because he is order of 1 and 1 cannot be simpler than anything. but he is creating things in present moment, so he is trying to figure it out all the time, it is just free will of creative process and it can have its own 'faults' like genetic deceases arising due to 'problems' with order during creative process. but these are subjective faults because together it is all one and perfect. he is obsessed with order. that's the only thing he knows because he is one and 1 is perfect order. chaos cannot exist. everything is just shades of more order and less order, but overall its all one order - if it is less in one place then it is more in another, everything is balanced. you can either be one again in this experience and be in perfect order and peace and be your true self, or be 'separated' from one and be in less order, it doesn't change oneness but it can change ever-changing big picture but picture is still one. so all is well not because you are nothing but because you are everything. nothing is out of equation coz it cannot exists so you can call it dream then it is all dream both in day and night. but it is not non-existence. you can awaken from separation and still call it dream or call it reality. you can call it reality straight away, then your night dreams are real too. it doesn't matter, dreams = reality. but existence is not equal to non-existence. So we all exist, congrats. I can relax now after many months of being non-existent.

Most people that take DMT don't really go deep enough to enter the Infinite territory. You must realize all of those you experience are a projection of self, once you come to this realization that all is projection during an experience it all ceases to exist and you become one with the ALL and experience everything, that exists, that ever exited, that will exist, that doesn't exist, all at once for eternity and eternity realizing you've always been here forever and ever and there's nothing really out-there to begin with. You created all illusion for your own fun and games and further exploration. Knowing everything got boring, so you decided to create life (without knowing) so it can become interesting again. Now as we become more and more aware of who and what we truly are, we are simply remembering nothingness by forgetting everythingness. Gotta love that twist

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8aN9O73lgg Part1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PQonSiGkVE Part2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ozca_5ifwQ0 Part3 Shinzen Young explains 10 ox-herding pics. He's especially good at last 4. He calls pic 7 - complete enlightenment pic 8 - realizing substance of enlightenment -> Truth aka Nothingness (he doesn't call it truth but i guess its obvious, knowing substance = truth) pic 9 - realizing form -> appearances that you perceive pic 10 - knowing what is purpose -> adapting to the world and sharing gifts Makes me think that many enlightened folks on pic 7 max, 'skipped' 8, and went on living in the world while 8 was 'achieved' by ultra-hardcore ppl only That's why (I think) JedMckenna has such dramatic (apocalyptic) and different description of his truth realization (which he calls enlightenment) and suggests not to go for it - because he has realized substance (or not, who knows) Beyond enlightenment is Truth, knowing substance, a killer and realization that nothing exists and its all god's dream, while in enlightenment on pic 7 - its still reality. (that's all speculation remember)

Entry 3 (28 Dec 2017) Began my first self-inquiry sit. Set timer for 35 min and sat upright with legs slightly folded on the couch. Details of sit: - calmed my breathing and became present to the now - began with eyes closed (I think leaving out visual, non-thought phenomena will help me concentrate on the direct experience. Keeping my eyes open floods me with even more visual stimuli which distracts me from achieving direct experience imo). - started to feel my body and the experience of contact between skin and couch, skin and skin, discomfort. Noticed that rather than converging on a point the sensations occurred in a field of awareness. - with my eyes closed it became easy to see thoughts as other 'things' that were being perceived. They didn't occur anywhere rather the thinking voice was perceived as a random occurrence with no particular location. The content of the thoughts was concepts of what nothingness could be. - when your eyes are closed everything is black but you are actually not looking at the black. I tried to look at the actual blackness and the blackness was seen as a black void of nothing with no end in sight. - I felt my heart become very tight and then my arms, my legs, and my right hip began to feel very very dense. It felt quite uncomfortable but not painful. - it was windy and a loud bang distracted me and made me open my eyes. I continued with the sit with eyes open. I looked at another couch and tried to shift the focus in my eyes (you know when you make yourself cross-eyed and you lose focus on what you were looking at before - like when you try to look at your nose). I realised there was nothing between me and the couch. I though there may be air molecules there but realised molecules don't exist in my direct experience and are simply a concept. - I ended the sit before my timer rang, I had 9 minutes left so sat for 25 min. The end

Entry 2 (28 Dec 2017) A trap I fell into: When viewing the above videos and posts I did 0 minutes of self-inquiry practice. I took in the theory but did not do any of the action steps. Awareness of this fact prompted me to stop watching more videos. I have a decent enough grasp of the concept of the true-self/ nothingness/ infinity but obviously any thought of it is not it. I re-watched Leo's 'How to become enlightened' video and took down notes on the action steps. I will now begin doing the self-inquiry process and will go back to this video once every 2 weeks to see if I missed anything or if there are any traps Leo outlined that I may have fallen into. I also got a cheap sports stopwatch so that I don't use my phone as a timer.

Interesting. There seems to be something here that is blocking your realisation. There seems to be a belief that awareness (the attributeless impersonal no-self) cannot know itself by being itself in it's purest. That it can only do it through appearing as sense perceptions (stuff) first. This is because you're indeed looking in the wrong direction. This is still content in the formless. That field of impersonal aware blankness is infinitely greater than the bodymind - the believed doer of the inquiry, so it can't be understood by mind, which you Still seem to be trying to do. Surrender, acceptance, practice. See everything as it is in your next meditation. Don't refer to past - this means that all you should be left with is the image of blackness, the sounds present, the feelings present and the sense of I am. Now defocus froma any of these objects and just Be the space for them. Allow the awakening. Feel yourself as That vastness. If the mind is looking it will look like nothingness, so only the objects will be seen. Mind needs to land on objects to know itself, unlike awareness.

Do you realize yet that you are playing word games that are totally keeping you stuck in the map — when what you need to fully appreciate is the territory? What can you tell me about nothingness? Not the word, but what the word is pointing to?