jjer94

existentialist crisis. So, how am I after leaving Medical Medium? In some ways, great. My body has adapted fairly well to a new way of eating (maybe I'll share about it in time). I feel freer than ever to make my own life decisions. I am no longer wedded to any belief system, and I am no longer 100 percent certain about anything, which has freed my mind. In most other ways, I've been really struggling. I feel very alone. I left the one system I believed more than anything else so far in this lifetime. I disrupted the connections I had with people within that system. I lost Elizabeth. I've lost touch with several friends and haven't had much of a desire to even maintain local friendships. The solitude I cherish has become a prison as much as a sanctuary. And every time I try to connect with people locally, it feels hollow — like two masks interacting with each other, with no avenue for genuine psychological penetration. I am stranded on an island of existentialism, screaming into the void without screaming. I don't know what I want beyond what I already have. I've accomplished the things I wanted to accomplish in this life, and I don't have any strong incentives to change. The most obvious change would be to enter a new relationship, but I've found that the price of being with a woman is too steep for me. Too much maintenance, aimless conversation, spending on frivolity, dealing with triggers, and surrendering my autonomy for too little meaning in return, especially if I'm not planning to have kids. I just haven't met anyone yet that felt worthwhile enough to pay the costs. Well, actually, I did, but she died. I am in an existentialist crisis akin to what I was experiencing over a decade ago in my early 20s, after my best friend killed himself and I started doing spiritual inner work. Recognizing the pure meaninglessness of existence and staring it straight in the face is one of the most difficult tasks any human can undertake. And as someone who has undertaken it multiple times now, I honestly don't know if I'd recommend it to anyone. Simply adopting a belief system like Christianity that gives you a prefabricated overarching sense of purpose to this life, a community of people who believe the same thing, and a culture seems way more sane. Even if it's all bullshit, at least you have purpose and meaning by believing in it. I'm going to say the thing that most people won't admit: This place kinda sucks. It's resplendent, meaningful, and profound at times and I feel grateful for what I have, but it's also chaotic and ugly, full of death, destruction, cope, and lies.

@TheBG Thanks for sharing your thoughts! There are many people out there who are as religious as I was with Medical Medium. The information in the books is unlike anything you'll ever read, which makes it that much more compelling. Most of it is totally original, and it has no references. The fact that he has been pumping out a book every year is a feat in itself. For a long time I've had the same beliefs and sentiments around meat-eating. A big reason for my starting MM protocols in 2018 was that I was in search of a sustainable way to eat plant-based. I reasoned that if I were to eat meat, I should be able to kill the animal myself, so I tried hunting, and I just couldn't do it. I had tried previous iterations of vegan diets, but I could never feel satiated. MM protocols were the only way of eating totally plant-based that I actually felt satiated. On top of that, MM fixed many life-long physical and mental symptoms. I can't deny that I did feel something the first six months of drinking the heavy metal detox smoothie, and I continued to enjoy it every morning for more than eight years. At around year seven, too many new issues and red flags arose, and I couldn't ignore them anymore. But reintroducing animal foods has challenged my ethics once again. I plan to slaughter one of my friend's chickens this fall to revisit those ethical qualms and see if meat-eating is right for me. And in the meantime, you bet your butt I am sourcing only the best stuff locally. MM might be mostly right, mostly wrong, beneficial to some, or detrimental to others. I no longer trust it fully myself. On the plus side, I now feel free to question everything, make my own choices, and trust my body's innate intelligence. Maybe the protocols would be worthwhile for you? Wouldn't hurt to try and see. Just mind your step, because it's a rabbit hole.

epistemologically naked. Welp, I don't know what to believe anymore. Long story short — for eight years, I followed Medical Medium protocols and found many benefits. I treated it like a religion and believed in the information wholeheartedly. It was the first time I ever truly believed in something, ever. With MM came a dietary belief system, a spiritual framework, a sense of purpose, and a community of like-minded people who also followed the protocols and believed in the same things. Then, a month or so ago, I reintroduced animal products in my diet after eight years and felt. A lot. Better. Many of the symptoms I thought were "detox" on the MM protocols resolved themselves within days, just by simply eating some animal foods. This conflicted with the MM information that asserts meat is a filler food that has virtually no nutritional benefits, and eggs and dairy feed pathogens in the body. My confusion led to curiosity, so I finally examined the other perspectives that I had swept under the rug for so long, asking deeper questions about the man. I couldn't unsee what I saw. Too many unanswered questions, hypocrisies, and blatant lies. If he's lied on multiple occasions, then...how true is the information itself? How legitimate are the protocols? What else could he be lying about? I could no longer trust the information or the man, and I unraveled. I fought the voice in my head that told me I'd get sick if I left, that I am a bad person, that I'd be out of the loop, that I would no longer be working for the Light...and I left. I didn't just leave MM, though. I left behind my dietary belief system, my spiritual framework, my ethical code, my sense of purpose, and the community of people doing the protocols. I am now epistemologically naked, totally lost and confused, trying to pick up the pieces. I used to think that it wasn't a cult, because you could leave. But leaving has felt like walking through a pile of needles, every little unconsciously inherited sententious thought-form poking at my psyche, telling me that what I am doing is wrong, that I will enter my own Hell if I take one step further. I could leave... but could I really?

Yes, very different from "conventional alternative" health. Everyone is so terrified of sugar these days that they've thrown the baby out with the bath water and demonized fruit. But things are slowly changing. You're seeing carnivore guys like Paul Saladino advocating for fruit and raw honey because their pure carnivore diet failed them. It's like everyone's forgotten that our mitochondria's default method of energy production is the Krebs Cycle, which uses ATP from glucose, aka sugar. Everyone is so focused on the buzz words like gut health, microbiome, parasites, healthy fats, and omega-3's while forgetting about the tried and true approach of focusing on fruits, vegetables, herbs, wild plant foods, and leafy greens.

He doesn't say you can't add things to celery juice. He says it'll just have different biochemical effects when you do. He's said that a great way to get the most "juice" out of a particular herb is to juice it exclusively with celery. He also says that, kind of like tea, celery juice should be treated as a medicinal herbal extraction, not necessarily as a drink for taste pleasure. And while organic celery is recommended, you can actually use conventional celery; you just need to wash it well. Conventional celery is currently under a dollar per bunch where I'm at, so that's what I use. That's fair. To each their own! Not everyone is going to connect with CJ. Plain watermelon juice is actually used in one of the MM cleanses (the 3:6:9), as well as pure orange and apple/cucumber juice (1:1 cucumber to apple juice is a complete electrolyte and very rejuvenating). The only juices he doesn't recommend are carrot and beet. In fact, he doesn't recommend beets at all in any of his protocols.

If you watch his livestreams, he clearly states that he welcomes dabblers, and that the protocols are customizable. If you read Cleanse to Heal, you'll notice that all of the cleanses are tiered. He also clearly states in his livestreams that you can still get results even if you're not following the protocols to a tee. Interestingly enough, there's a broad spectrum of people in the MM community. Some Muslims, some Jews, some New Agers, a few who are into Yogananda's teachings, some Christians, vegans, meat eaters, dabblers, and hardcore fans. While there is definitely a Christian leaning in the non-food info, a lot of what he talks about conflicts with the Bible and traditional Christianity. Through my direct experience, I've found a lot of benefit from the protocols while also leaving room for skepticism. I do notice some people, though, are zealous and treat it like a religion. Seems you can't escape conformity in any group. Even this forum, no? Anthony William sounds like a used car salesman and his mannerisms are quirky, but his information is quite profound and original if you look into it. I've read things in his books that to this day I have yet to find in any other health book. I've been following his protocols for more than seven years now and haven't looked back. Before MM, I tried everything from paleo to vegan to Dr. Morse-style raw to primal diet (raw meat, raw eggs, raw milk, etc.) to urine therapy to intuitive eating. The protocols that actually moved the needle on my chronic symptoms were Medical Medium. I used to have lifelong constipation. Within a few weeks of doing the Morning Cleanse back in 2018, it was gone. I had brain fog that would get worse when I ate certain foods. Gone on MM. Now I can eat some of those foods with no brain fog. i used to have pretty bad depersonalization, the sensation of not having a solid sense of self — which is funny to say in this forum, but it's an actual thing. It came along with a nervous-system-level depression, anxiety, and emotional sensitivity. Within six months of doing the heavy metal detox smoothie along with some of the other protocols, all of that subsided, and has went away further with each year of doing it. Something very subtle is this nagging hunger I used to have. Eating a normal meal, I would feel full but always want a little something after. On MM protocols, I am always satiated and never crave desert or even anything outside of the protocols. MM information has made me view diet, animal agriculture, human history, human origins, extraterrestrials, Christian concepts, nonduality, psychedelics, conspiracy theories like chemtrails and the illuminati, and the afterlife in a whole new light. I have a totally different worldview from when I started back in early 2018. Being a hardcore fan is not for the faint of heart. Prepare to be alienated from pretty much everyone on a certain level. I bring my own food everywhere and get strange looks all of the time. I have friends and family who don't do MM and poke fun at me for doing it. But in some ways, I owe my life to these protocols. That's part of the reason why some people accuse MM of being a cult. They also cite Anthony William as being a strong, charismatic leader. But if you really look into his information — watch multiple livestreams, read the books, look into his history — you'll see it's quite the contrary. In Leo's video on cult psychology, he says that the defining characteristic of a cult is the inability to leave once you've joined. But people come and go from MM all of the time. The protocols are tiered and are not based on any traditional diet belief systems, meaning that there are meat eaters as well as plant-based people who do MM. Anthony William used to own a natural foods store way back in the day, and while he doesn't recommend dairy in his protocols, he would sell high-quality raw dairy at his store for those who still wanted it. Same goes for dabblers — there's no judgment on the people who only do bits and pieces of the protocols. I've met some pretty zealous people in the MM community, but I've also met some truly smart, down-to-earth people in the community who are not just sheep, who ask important questions and make important criticisms. If you feel called to go deeper with the info, I highly recommend it. Medical Medium is not a medium. "Medical Medium" is just the name Anthony's grandfather gave him. Mediums talk with the dead. Anthony William has a voice that talks to him outside of his right ear and gives him all sorts of information. He can muffle the sound of the voice by putting in ear plugs. He compares his ability to that of Edgar Cayce and Padre Pio.

lifestreaming. The next step on my de-enshittification journey? Total ownership. It's my New Year's Resolution as well: To own things again. Books, music, experiences, friends, and everything else. Too much of my life has become streaming, or the abundance of everything and ownership of nothing: Music streaming: Spotify, the business that pays artists fractions of pennies and is slowly phasing out human art for AI slop. No motivation to get into new music because it's all there anyways. Why not just plug into the Soft Piano playlist and have the algorithms decide for you what song comes next? Audiobook streaming: Words that float on nothing and go in one ear and out the other. No need to take notes; just screen record the relevant sections and never rewatch them ever again! Entertainment streaming: Watch generic Youtube Channel A that talks about the same shit you've already heard elsewhere for the upteenth time, or opt for the hyper-stimulating half-second-cut reels that turn off a record number of brain cells per second. Friendship streaming: Don't want to go through the effort of owning a friend, i.e. making the time and effort to be a friend and build a connection with someone in real life? Instead, watch a bunch of influencers shoot the shit and leave the page whenever you want! They will never know you, but at least you have a sample platter of puddle-deep parasocial connections. And so on... I want to own things again because my life has felt less meaningful since I've started lifestreaming. When I have everything I ever want at my fingertips, nothing feels personal. Like a river, no one experience sticks out above the rest, and they all briefly touch my consciousness only to float downstream. Everything is amazing and exceptional, so much so that nothing is amazing and exceptional. I have many more reasons for moving in this direction, but I'll mention them another time. For now, I've started with music. I am currently building a Swinsian library of my favorite lossless albums: For Emma, ( ), some kind of peace, Carrie & Lowell, and too many others to list. I ordered an mp3 player that can play FLAC. I'm borrowing my dad's vintage CD and vinyl players tomorrow. And I'm canceling my Spotify subscription once the mp3 player gets delivered. I miss when I used to get excited for new albums, and listen to the ones I liked multiple times all the way through, and not get distracted by some shiny new object that algorithms present to me. I hope that by making music listening into more of an experience than just purely in-and-out consumption, I can get back in touch with the parts of myself that I've lost. And hopefully this will create a ripple effect into the other areas of my life. When I started my minimalism journey back in 2017, I mistook digitizing everything as making space in my life. By owning things that matter to me even if they take up physical space, I am saying: These things are important to me. They won't go away. I will return to them again and again and build a deep connection with them. In my experience, streaming content is anti-minimalist and building a connection with it is much more difficult. How peculiar that the abundance of everything can sap the meaning from everything.

de-enshittification. A couple of days ago, I was disgusted by the fact that I was on my hands and knees, sucking cocaine-laced horse manure through a straw. Yesterday and today, I've decided to do something about it. I started by deleting X and Youtube on my phone. If I'm going to watch Youtube, it'll be on my laptop. And X is cancer, so I'm not even going to bother partaking anymore. With both apps off of my phone, I have no more incentive to bring my phone into my room at bedtime, forcing me to read books. I need to be careful to choose books I will find enjoyable, or else it'll feel too much like a chore. I'm currently reading a book on the history of Jesus that my friend lent me, but I also feel called to read Isaac Asimov's Foundation series. Last night was the first night in awhile that I didn't go on X right before falling asleep, and I woke up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat. My night shirt was soaked to the point that I could almost wring it out. I think that's my body beginning to release all of the excess adrenaline and cortisol in my system. We'll see how I sleep tonight with my phone out of the bedroom altogether. I watched a video this morning that reminded me of Cory Doctorow's brilliant term "enshittification," which describes how massive online-centered corporations like Meta and Amazon have made their platforms increasingly unpalatable. They start with seemingly good intentions and provide a valuable service, and then they slowly abuse the consumer with increasing ads, fees, and detrimental algorithmic changes that ruin their service. What if by living in this system, we all enshittify ourselves to a certain degree? In my 20s, I started with a pure, authentic vision for how I wanted my life to unfold. I took the Life Purpose Course and thought big. Then, in taking action on said vision, I rubbed up against the systems in place that make actualizing it more difficult than anticipated. Then, I became more inclined to take shortcuts, or whore myself out in subtle ways just to pay the bills. Those ventures have grown and demanded more of my time and energy, so I've directed time and energy away from my authentic self and original vision. Before I know it, I've enshittified my own lifestyle to cater to outside demands, making it increasingly unpalatable. This journey I'm on, then... this Journey back to that Someone I knew... I could call it de-enshittification.

digital circle jerking, or, my last innuendo post title, or, give me back my soul. Over the past three years especially, I feel as though my attention, my time, and my very body have been siphoned. Maybe some of you can relate. I began with "vedging" after a long day of work, checking for updates on all of my higher consciousness places on the Internet. I still read books in the morning and in the evening before bedtime. Since I started living alone in mid-2022, I began leaning more on podcasts, audiobooks, and Youtube/IG for my social needs. But gradually, platforms like Youtube became muddled with algorithmic slop. The kind of "content" that doesn't actually engage any higher faculties but just fills up brain space and mildly entertains. Instagram's feed was no longer exclusively posts from the people you follow; it became random force-fed 30-second dumb fucking clips from strangers. And gradually, the higher stimulation of these videos reeled me in (no pun intended) more and more. I joined X, which is basically digital brain cancer, replete with the most disgusting content imaginable, a step behind gore porn and actual porn. I eventually stopped doing yoga. I stopped traditional meditation. I stopped reading books. I stopped journaling. And I became a studio goblin who, after ten-hour-plus sessions, retreats into his digital slop slot machine to turn off his brain. Real social interaction, or the thought of it, has become a chore (more on that in another post). In laying all of this out, I recognize that my increasing pessimism towards life and humanity is probably not just from personal tragedies, but in large part from exposing myself to all of the corporate-endorsed, Better-Help-sponsored, human-exploitative, AI-influenced, semi-plagiarized, psychologically rapacious horse shit that we call "social media content" and its algorithmic recommendations. It's like I started with eating vegetables at the dinner table, and within the span of a few years, I'm down on my hands and knees in the horse barn, sucking up cocaine-laced manure in a straw, too drugged up to even notice that it's shit. Or if I do notice, I'm too drugged up to even care. Fuck this. I've had enough. Enough!!! If I don't take a stand now, I will lose myself completely like one of the fatties in the floating chairs in WALL-E. I want my fucking soul back.

balls deep. Tonight is one of those nights where the temperature outside dips into the subzero fahrenheit and the quiet consumes me until I'm balls deep in heavy thoughts about life — both my life, and life in general. If I were to be honest with myself, I would admit that I have progressively become a worse version of myself since "the love of my life" passed away in November 2023. Before Elizabeth's passing, I had this wide-eyed wonder, this idealism that seeped into everything I did. I had hope, high visions for the future, and the gumption to follow through on said visions. All of that died along with her. What's left is a wiser, more skilled, but ultimately dumber, weaker, and more pessimistic version of myself. Sure, I've accomplished things that deeply satisfy me. I've built a music production business, I've actually reached a level of proficiency with it that is nearing the caliber of my inspirations, I've completely stabilized my mental health (contrary to how this post seems) thanks to diet and other approaches, and I've conquered some of my decades-long fears. But I've burned myself out from overworking, and now my impulse control and attention span are completely shot to the point where I can barely read a book these days. I still struggle with certain vices. I've become a shut-in who doesn't reach out to people anymore except for business purposes. I'm becoming accustomed to the idea that I will be single for the rest of my life. Living on this planet has never been easy; every generation has its opportunities and its setbacks. But no matter how much the self-help people will insist that there's a silver lining for everyone, there just isn't. You can try to make the best of any situation; that's a great habit to have. But sometimes, shit just happens, and life is brutally unfair. People you love, really great well-meaning people, can die. Some people can work their asses off as much as a CEO and only make 0.0001% of what the CEO makes. Some people don't have the temperament or disposition to "work smart" or grind. Some people are born ugly and get completely overlooked, while some people who are dumbasses but born beautiful get tons of opportunities. So many destructive things in the world — our broken fractional reserve banking system, environmental degradation, factory farming, murder, genocide — so many of these things are simply due to the free will choices of particular people, and the cultures and systems in which these people inhabit. So much destruction from free will that it makes me wonder, why would God even grant the illusion of it? Free will might be the cause of all of this destruction, but it's also an essential component of love. Sure, I'm writing in a forum where the general consensus is that on a fundamental level, love is everything and nothing, love is God, love is surrender to life and all of the so-called "bad" things like rape and genocide. But I'm not a moral relativist. If it's all love, then there's no grounds for preference of one thing over another. I do believe in free will, even if it's just an illusion on a fundamental level. And that free will is the choice between that which is towards love, and that which is away from it. That which encourages unity, and that which encourages separation. A choice between good and evil, on both macrocosmic and microcosmic levels. If we couldn't choose, we couldn't understand love, because to love is to choose unity. I just wish more of us made that choice every day — not only for others, but for ourselves.

Holy shite! Careful, there. And keep on truckin'! Funny coincidence...I was looking up Joker scenes on Youtube a couple of weeks ago. The LOTR/HP pic...is that suggesting LOTR has more depth than the HP series?

Damn straight Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. They remind me of this LOTR quote I saw the other day: It's worthwhile to try if you haven't! From my view, the problem is that when the pendulum swings too far into purity culture territory, NoFap can turn into a form of spiritual bypassing. Guys will also focus on the numbers rather than the fruits that come from abstention. I'm also one of those low sex drive men, so I know where you're coming from here. Most definitely. I suspect musicians do this without even realizing. Ever since I was a kid, I've always listened to music primarily through the inner brain. For instance, my first favorite band was Sigur Rós, whose lead singer sings in complete jibberish. Only recently have I begun to pay more attention to lyrics and song structure. That video you shared was fascinating. I never thought of listening to music in that way, and how music penetrates every layer of the brain. Also, frisson being fear... so when you listen to music that gives you the chills, your body thinks on a primal level that its life is threatened What a trip. NoFap or something else? Post away, friend.

post-nut sunbathing. On day ninety-two of celibacy, I chose to relapse. Curiosity got the best of me. I promised myself I'd go for ninety days, and that's it. I wanted to see what would happen to my body, mind, and spirit after nutting. Immediately afterwards, I felt a deep emptiness. Not the spiritual kind of emptiness that's full, but an unsettling kind of emptiness that's haunted me long after the deed was done. I suppose I could call it biological emptiness, since my balls were drained of their juice. I think of Austin Powers, when he loses his mojo, or Spiderman 2, when Tobey Maguire's Peter Parker loses his powers for a while. I can still function, but that extra boost of biological motivation is almost completely gone. The lust, those fantasies in my head... I thought maybe they would subside a bit, but they remain at the same volume as they were before. The discomfort of full balls is gone, but that discomfort was well worth the price of admission for the celibate experience. I much prefer how I feel when I keep my balls filled. It's not as magical as the NoFappers describe, but it is a more powerful way to be in my opinion. I remember looking at the cum shots on my toilet after the fact, noticing their shine as if they were alive — in the same way that a freshly picked apple is alive. And with the subsequent feeling of emptiness, I thought of a drained battery. I just voluntarily drained juice from my own battery for the sake of momentary pleasure. I succumbed to the biological trick that is my reproductive impulse — the bait-and-switch activity that promises to give but only takes. Every guy has had post-nut clarity. But it's a whole 'nother kind of clarity when you nut after several months of abstaining. The contrast is like walking into bright sunlight after spending months in a cave. I have a feeling this kind of clarity will last me much longer than the nut. In my experience, when enough contrast is had, good habits no longer need discipline to maintain, because you fully understand how worse you feel when you don't do the good habits. I feel way more inclined to stay on the celibate path, because I feel worse after nutting. Not just on a biological level, but on a spiritual level as well, as it feels out of integrity for me to look at porn and even masturbate to a certain degree. I suspect I will relapse in the future, but as it stands now, my path is mostly celibate.

ripping the band-aid. Around eight hours ago, on day seventy-eight of my celibacy journey, I broke things off with my long-distance girlfriend. Last night, she shared with me that she wants to be a mom someday, and she's not open to physical intimacy until she's physically well enough to do so, and she's married and knows for sure that her partner will support her if she accidentally gets pregnant. A perfectly reasonable perspective. Unfortunately, the way things are looking with my line of work, I won't ever be able to financially support a family, let alone another person. On top of that, I don't really believe in marriage as an institution, for reasons I might address in another post. And on top of that, while things could change, I don't want kids, also for reasons I might address in another post. Her sharing what she shared was very helpful in my decision. It had nothing to do with her as a person, as I adore her for who she is. It had everything to do with incompatibility. Ever since losing Elizabeth back in November 2023, I've felt numb in the relationship department. This breakup is no exception. I feel a stirring in my stomach and notice I'm more aloof today, but that's about it. No grief. No anger. No guilt for breaking up with her while she's in a flare-up. (It was either rip the band-aid now or hold off on saying anything for who knows how long, frying her nervous system in the process.) I've had stirrings to relapse, but I made a promise to myself to go ninety days celibate, and I am going to keep it.

the testicle from the tree of penis. Over sixty-five days of no earthworm jim. I wish I could say this journey has been a smooth ride, but I've had more than a few bumps along the way. I almost ran over a crocodile with boobs, a massive snake hissed in my face a couple of times, and I've had to navigate around a number of bad drivers. For the first forty days or so, the temptation came and went in waves, which was manageable. Now, it's there more than it's gone, and it lingers like a three-bean chili fart. Sometimes it screams in my face, like last night. I've had some close calls: peeking at images and videos without touching myself, touching myself without peeking at images and videos (does that count as relapse?). But no orgasms except for in my sleep. This journey has been both pleasurably and painfully revelatory. I've learned about the power of free will — that I have a lot more self-control than I thought I did. And I've learned that sexual desire is inescapable, especially when it's still uncharted territory — which brings up questions around my mostly non-sexual long distance relationship. I've been struggling more and more with the reality of distance, and how difficult relationship satisfaction is in this scenario, especially when there's no reassurance of when exactly we will bridge the gap (she has chronic illness and we're unsure about when she'll be able to travel). Even with the strongest of soul connections between a couple, geographical distance or timing can still be straws that break the camel's back. I also recognize my own childhood patterns playing into it — how because my mom was not entirely "there" for me when I was little, perhaps that's partly why I am drawn to women who are not entirely "there" for me. But who knows. Either way, my celibacy journey has revealed some uncomfortable truths that have been worthwhile to confront. Onward to ninety days!!!