jjer94

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About jjer94

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  1. unconsciousness still sucks. Happy thanksgiving, unconscious bitch. I see you're still bothered by unconsciousness. Of course I am. I mean, I see what @zenjen is pointing to. I see how this is all my own projection, that reality is what it is. But there's still so much resentment in me. Is it resentment? Feel into it. Go deeper. Hurt. It's hurt. I feel undermined. Like I'm not heard. Good. Anything deeper than that? VINDICTIVENESS! FUCK! I've been bullied all my life by those unconscious fucks and I want to show them who's boss! I'm going to be the most enlightened motherfucker they've ever come to know! And when their life goes down the drain because of their own unconsciousness, they'll come back to me, and I'll get the supreme satisfaction in saying, "I told you so." I'm going to work my ass off to be the most perfect example of a human being, just to rub it in their faces. Interesting. Anything even deeper than that? A sense of not being good enough. It's fairly obvious. The only reason I'd be vindictive is because I feel deficient inside and I want to one-up in order to rise above. But this game will get me nowhere. I can get all the revenge I want, but I will never fix the gaping psychological hole that I'm not good enough. The whole idea of personal worth needs to be transcended completely. Wow. Look at you! Yeah... a prison of my own making... Now it's just a matter of feeling through all of this.
  2. unconsciousness sucks. I notice my need to be right all the time, going all the way back to the school days. Now that I know there's no way my family could understand the work I'm doing, I have imaginary dialogues in my head with them, where they object me and I put them in their place with an air of superiority. The result is resentment towards them and their unconscious ways. Why do you resent them? Because they're unconscious and they don't realize it. They're not living up to their full potential, and it bothers me. Perhaps I'm a little angry at myself too for not living up to my full potential in the past and present. Why should humans strive to live up to their full potential? Because that's what life is all about! It's the hero's journey! The journey to integrate and transcend yourself! And nobody fucking realizes it! Everyone lives a fucking mediocre unconscious life because they avoid themselves and their emotions! All of our problems have to do with this one issue! I want to fucking slap everyone on the back of the head and tell them to WAKE THE FUCK UP! Lordy lord, aren't you feisty. So you believe that unconsciousness is bad. Where did you get this idea from? None other than Leo himself. Well, not really. He never said that explicitly, but I extrapolated it. But after a few years of this work, I see so clearly that it's true. Unconsciousness is a huge root cause of all of our problems. That's baaaaaad. I should cram my megaphone in unconscious people's ears. Can you absolutely know this is true? No, not really. Bad relative to what? And what does it mean to be unconscious? It just means, unaware of what you're doing. When you're unaware of what you're doing, you're unable to see how you sabotage yourself and get stuck. If you're trying to get unstuck, unconsciousness is bad. But in the existential sense, there's no inherent badness to being unaware. You're just fucking unaware.... How do you react when you believe that unconsciousness is bad? ....and you cause all of the world's problems! By sitting on your damn plastic couch eating your damn plastic cheetoes fogging your fucking brain and wasting your life, you're not only doing yourself a disservice, but you're doing the world at large a disservice by catering to your emotional weasel, you fucking twat!!! I get all oo-ra-ra and pissed off. Almost like a religious fanatic. Who would you be without that belief? I'd be...well, definitely more compassionate, that's for sure. Probably kind of lost too, because self-actualization seems to be my anchor. The thing that keeps me waking up in the morning and moving in a clear direction. It's invigorating and worthwhile to live for. Without that, I don't know what I'd do. Probably fall back into old unconscious ways. I'm kind of afraid of unconsciousness. Seems like I fear unconsciousness just as much as I want to self-actualize. What if unconsciousness is good? Fuck, unconsciousness is good? No way! Well, actually... If you want to live an easy, safe, comfortable existence If you want to have at least some happiness, sometimes If "ignorance is bliss" is your motto If you want to be in the herd Then I suppose unconsciousness would be good. But I can give a million-and-one different reasons why unconsciousness would be bad. I shall continue to hold my belief like a religious fanatic. Sigh...We'll have to work with this some more.
  3. I'm glad you did, because my body had an emotional reaction, as though I was being attacked. From what you said as well as my reaction, I realized on a deeper level how much I really avoid conflict and try to be the "good boy." This goes back to my school days, when I tried really hard to get good grades and suck up to the teachers. Because deep down, I believed I wasn't good enough, I compensated through maintaining the "good boy" image. I was also contemplating last night my strong urge to always be right, and I think it ties in with this as well. Anyway, that deserves its own entry. What I mean to say is, thank you for your perspective.
  4. I don't. I wasn't trying to spark a debate, rather to share my experience and leave a warning about taking diet too seriously. That's a good point. I wasn't. I did cronometer to make sure I got most of my macros and micros. DHA seemed to be fulfilled by the fruit, but probably not enough. Perhaps because of soil quality, as you mentioned before. Yes, they are projections. Thanks for pointing that out! Honestly, I still don't know what to make of it.
  5. Headstrong, by Dave Asprey. Like you, I was reluctant to do it, until I learned about the 30-second-cold-at-the-end shower technique
  6. I also was a John Rose/Doctor Morse fanatic for awhile, doing the whole raw vegan fruitarian thing. Five and a half months later, I was emaciated. I could barely lift my body, form sentences, let alone interact with others. I also did fasting and herbs, including a 9-day Master Fast. Feet and feet of that mucoid plaque stuff came out. I had orthorexia. Was constantly plagued by the fear of eating the wrong foods in the wrong combinations, to the point where I couldn't go to any social events because they usually involved eating. After lots of surrender and paradigm shattering, I switched to cyclical keto. Three months later: regained more than 25 pounds, energy and focus through the roof. Usually, the issue is not diet. It's dogma and human psychology. When you attach yourself to any particular diet plan and say that it's the one and only "SPECIES SPECIFIC" diet, you've turned it into a religion. You've mechanically closed your mind down to any other possibilities. You can end up, quite literally, moralizing yourself to death. Your mind limits you by saying, "You can't eat _____", and when your body craves that food, you repress that tendency to the shadow realm. Hence, yo-yo dieting. I binged like crazy after giving up on raw vegan. Raw vegan works great for some people, just as keto works great for others. Dietary preferences change throughout the years. New discoveries are also made every day in the field of diet. @ppfeiff, ever hear of the term "glycation"? Or AGEs? How too much sugar can gray the hair and cause accelerated aging? How modern fruits have 30x the amount of sugar of their predecessors? Does that change your perspective at all on John Rose, who at 63 years old is totally gray and senile? I just say all these things as a warning. The moment you set your dietary beliefs in stone is the moment you trap yourself. If I were you, I'd adopt the more open mindset that @Richard Alpert has.
  7. I second this. I've been doing the same exact thing for about a month now too, also incorporating deep breathing while I'm under the cold water. You already said it, but the most peculiar thing I've found about cold showers, is that after a couple weeks of doing them consistently, I actually WANT to do them. My cold tolerance has gone through the roof, so much that the cold is not really painful to me anymore. Something else I've noticed is the cathartic effect. Sometimes, I just start laughing or crying after the cold shower. I think the cold forces blood to areas of tension in the body and breaks open the "character armor," as Alexander Lowen puts it. For anyone doing bioenergetic exercises, cold showers are an excellent supplement.
  8. wrong. I had a breakthrough insight last night. I finally realized the true essence of mindfulness... I used to think of mindfulness as just "observation." You witness your senses and thoughts in the present moment, and that's it. Right?... RIGHT!? I've been doing this so-called "observation" with the hidden agenda to dissolve my unwanted emotions, as if observing the uncomfortable sensations will make them magically melt away. In other words, I subtly reject aspects of my experience and pretend as though I'm doing mindfulness. But not last night. Last night, my mind was racing with negative emotions in bed. At first, I pushed them away; I used my acupressure mat and breathing exercises to try to fall asleep. But mind refused to shut up. So instead of fighting it, I gave into it. Instead of observing it with the subtle intention to get rid of it, I allowed it with no intention to get rid of it. I thought, "Okay, fine. If I feel restless, then so be it! I'll stay up. I'll think myself to death if I have to! I admit it. I feel xyz." Fifteen minutes later, I fell asleep. The essence of mindfulness is not just observation; it's allowing! It's allowing this moment to be exactly as it is, not in the observe-it-till-it-goes-away sense but in the I-don't-care-if-this-emotion-kills-me sense. It's allowing emotions to do their thing, regardless of how uncomfortable they are. No hope of more comfortable emotions, no expectation of getting better. This moment is the best moment there could possibly be, because it's the only moment happening. To say "no" to any aspect of this moment is to fragment reality and create suffering.
  9. A thousand years I am life I've come a long way...
  10. @HII I posted Sigur Ros because the feeling of that song matched what I was feeling this morning. Has nothing to do with what I wrote. But thank you for the advice, and thank you for unveiling an emotional reaction within me.
  11. toxic shame. I had a few insights this morning during meditation because I was so agitated. I dug into that agitation, and a whole slew of shit came up. The agitation turned to anger directed inwards, which turned to shame. "I suck at music." "There's no possible way to make money from it, so what's the point of throwing all my eggs in that basket?" "I'm incapable of doing anything. Every time I go up on stage I will be humiliated because my toxic shame leaks through to the audience." "Every song I write is too cryptic. Nobody gets it." I think back to the songwriting workshop in Ireland. How I was told that my songs were cryptic. How they pushed me to write story songs about made-up characters instead. How I cried in the countryside because I thought that the way I was writing songs was somehow "wrong" and that I wasn't fit to do it. I think back to the radio contest I enrolled in. How I was the first contestant to get booted. How my nail broke the day before my performance, so I couldn't really fingerpick. How I said to the show host, "I kind of saw it coming," because deep down, I was so ashamed of myself and my music. I think back to my Dad's 50th birthday, when I was 12 years old, and he forced me to play a song in my brother's band in front of hundreds of people, and I was screaming and crying because I didn't want to do it. How he forced me anyways. How I messed up on my solo, and people still applauded me. How humiliated I felt. How I quit playing guitar for eight years after that event. It's the same thing, rehashed over and over and over again. The cycles of shame. The self-fulfilling prophecy. It's almost like I WANT to humiliate myself, so I can confirm these beliefs and continue living in psychological homeostasis. No wonder why I haven't played much guitar lately. The inner critic keeps flinging this shit at me. And the sad part is, I believe most of it.
  12. I've been using Simplenote for the past two years and hadn't heard of OneNote until Sunday. Now I'm transferring all of my entries into OneNote. I second @Zega 's excitement. Thanks for the plug, Leo!
  13. hey! listen! I realized today just how little I listen to my family members. I sometimes ask them how their day was out of courtesy, but I don't actually care what they have to say. My mind just tunes out and goes elsewhere. It predicts what they're going to say and responds with "Yeah," "Sure," "Mhm," "Cool." This phenomenon is an example of the psychological term called adaptation. Adaptation is your psyche's tendency to get desensitized to something if you're exposed to it regularly. The best example would be a gift. When you receive a shiny laptop as a gift, that sucker is amazing. You want to spend as much time as you can on it. But how about one month later? The excitement of having the laptop wears off completely. I don't know how to combat adaptation. Am I doing them a disservice if I pretend to care? Wait, this goes deeper than I thought. Much deeper than adaptation. Maybe I...oh fuck, the truth?... Here goes... I don't value what they have to say. I've made my own value judgment towards them. I've deemed them as "psychologically underdeveloped." I've shut out all possibilities that they could say something noteworthy to me, and because of that, I half-listen to their words. What does this say about me? That I'm manipulative? A scornful bastard? A self-righteous close-minded prick? Nah, just honest. And perhaps somewhat aware and somewhat willing to change. In some ways, they're worse in this regard. They not only tune me out sometimes, but they also have rigid belief systems. They won't actually listen to new ideas. Instead, they just wait their turn to preach their ideas at me. Law of attraction, much?
  14. the remains. I empty myself of the names of others. I empty my pockets. I empty my shoes and leave them beside the road. At night I turn back the clocks; I open the family album and look at myself as a boy. What good does it do? The hours have done their job. I say my own name. I say goodbye. The words follow each other downwind. I love my wife but send her away. My parents rise out of their thrones into the milky rooms of clouds. How can I sing? Time tells me what I am. I change and I am the same. I empty myself of my life and my life remains. --Mark Strand