jjer94

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About jjer94

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  1. I stopped pretending. I stopped pretending to be an enlightened person. I stopped pretending to be the fool on the hill, looking down at the "unenlightened peasants" with their petty human ways. In reality, I am the unenlightened peasant. I stopped pretending that I know everything and everyone else is clueless. In reality, I'm the clueless twenty-something. I get most of my information from books and furiously masturbate my mind. I can't even turn off the monkey mind after a year of meditating 35 minutes per day. I think that I can somehow live on this hermit tower and get paid for parroting information instead of getting real-world experience among the "clueless chimps." I stopped pretending to dislike humanity. In reality, I dislike myself. I'm not particularly dislikable, but my programming can't help it. In reality, I'm afraid of people because of what they've done to me in the past. I don't want to be hurt for the thousandth time, so naturally, I avoid them like the plague and prefer to die slowly from lack of connection. The Internet is my Wilson. I stopped pretending that enlightenment should be my top priority right now. In reality, it's just a cop out to avoid my more pressing problems. I stopped pretending that I don't have problems because "problems are just thoughts." In reality, I'm lonely, lost, impotent, and a little depressed. I'm starved for connection, haven't picked up my guitar since Ireland, and have been struggling to getting out of bed. I've forgotten how to make friends and what it means to be a friend. I'm scared because I have no sex drive, not even to masturbate. I have no idea where I'm going or what the hell I'm doing once the lease runs out at the end of August. I beat myself up for not finding my "Life Purpose." God forbid I never do, then my life won't be extraordinary as Leo says it will be. Another reason to beat myself up. I stopped pretending that I'm being productive by endlessly watching educational Youtube videos. I'm just being busy. I'm filling my days with the illusion of getting somewhere to avoid the fact that I'm sitting on my ass getting nowhere. I'm barely surviving on the limited social nutrition of the Internet, instead of living on the sustenance of real human connection. I stopped pretending that I'm content. I'm not. I hate this dinky studio apartment. I hate the noise pollution. The train that honks its horn at 2 in the morning right outside my window every night. The fucking fridge that turns on its roaring cooler every 20 minutes. The lack of light, the toxic carpet, the toxic yellow water, the crippling desolation and dissatisfaction in knowing that I could respect myself enough to make friends and actually do something, but instead I choose this because I don't respect myself enough. My thoughts reflect my circumstances. But no matter what, there's this innate kernel of faith in me. I see it in others too. The amazing, utterly human faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. That even in the darkest of nights, we know the dawn is coming. I stopped pretending that I'm an adult. In reality, I'm just a kid with some growing up to do.
  2. https://www.amazon.com/Tao-Health-Sex-Longevity-Practical/dp/067164811X https://www.amazon.com/Detox-Miracle-Sourcebook-Complete-Regeneration/dp/1935826190/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1499545648&sr=1-1&keywords=detox+miracle+sourcebook
  3. pond jumping, part whoops; OR, the fast track. I thought I would need a part 2 to talk about Peru, but now I don't feel like talking about Peru. It was fun, challenging, and frustrating just like Ireland. The Inca Trail was the best part: 27 miles of hiking in 14000ft elevation for 4 days straight. Woohoo! What I feel like writing about is this past week. It was a doozy. A big, frothy, emotional doozy served with a side of fifteen pounds of shit. Literally. This forum, and Actualized.org in general, is heavily focused on psychological and spiritual development. It's easy to overlook the physical. But there's something I've learned over this week: Your body, psyche, spirit, and emotions are intimately connected. They all must detox together. Trying to spiritually develop yourself without cleaning up your diet is like trying to get clean in a sewer. Not likely. Along with the transition to raw veganism, which has been incredible, I've been experimenting with fasting. If you don't know anything about fasting, I suggest doing some research on it. Fasting has been used for thousands of years as a method of physical and spiritual purification. Last week, I did a special juice fast. A super secret one. One that flies in the face of convention. Now that I've survived nine days, I figure now I feel confident enough to advertise it. It's called the master fast. They also have a facebook group. A warning though: If you want to do it, make sure you follow every step. Yes, that means getting their herbal tinctures. They're expensive, but they last 60-90 days, and they're super potent. Overall, the expenses for the fast match food expenses. If your body is a theatre, digestion is the stage performance, and fasting is the janitorial staff. For most people, the show is always happening. The problem is that the stage gets pretty messy after awhile. When you fast, the show stops, and janitors start cleaning up the stage. When this happens, you experience a bunch of physical cleansing reactions all classified as "detoxification." Not only do old physical ailments reveal themselves again, but old emotions as well. Like I mentioned before, physical and emotional are intimately connected. Prolonged fasting has a psychedelic effect, as it is a "fast track" to your deepest darkest inner demons. Demons you thought you got rid of a long time ago. Demons that claw and gnaw at you. If you eat cooked food, you can guarantee that you have a food addiction. Don't believe me? Try fasting for yourself. The first couple days were brutal for me. Cravings galore! I wanted cheeseburgers, pizza, and mac and cheese. A barbeque smell outside reminded me of the days when I'd fry hotdogs over the fire with my grandfather in our house's backyard, and I started to cry. That's when I realized how most of the foods we eat cover up the memories and identities that we cling to. I realized that gnawing feeling in the lower navel area that we call "hunger" is really a withdrawal effect from not eating cooked food. Real hunger is a salivation of the throat/mouth. After day 2, the gnawing feeling diminished greatly, and I experienced a comfortable emptiness. Enemas and colonics are a part of the protocol. I could not BELIEVE what came out of my bum. Pounds and pounds and pounds of this dark rubbery stuff they call "mucoid plaque." Stuff that cakes to the intestines due to years and years of eating acidic, mucus-forming foods. Which is pretty much everything besides fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds. Overall, I lost 15 pounds of colon weight, and that's only the beginning. I suspect there's at least 20 more pounds of that stuff to go. Which is scary, considering how thin I already am. But man oh man. After this week, I feel so much more at ease. Meditation is easier, journaling is easier, life is more colorful. The suicidal thoughts are not as heavy as they used to be. I don't look like I have a pregnant belly anymore. Everything feels a little less like Sisyphus and that fucking boulder.
  4. @eskwire Yes! Thanks for reminding me. My friend's farm also has a ton of strawberries ripe for the picking @Peace and Love Whoa! Thank you for the very detailed response. You reminded me of something I learned recently: buy in bulk! I plan to ask my local co-op if I can do that...once I finish this juice fast...but that's another story for another day... Amazing what a diet change can do to your health, right? Fasting too! Fasting feels almost as effective as psychedelics when it comes to emotional healing.
  5. pond jumping, part 1. I'm finally back to some semblance of sanity after three weeks of insanity. Ten days in Ireland, ten days in Peru. Seriously, I was beginning to go insane. It wasn't because I was away from home, nor was it because of the layovers and long travel times. It was due mainly to lack of alone time and dietary options. No offense to the Irish, but your food totally sucks, especially for vegetarians/vegans. Hardly any fresh produce; all deep fried processed potato-ey constipating foods. The group that I was with also provided too much food. My constipation was so bad that I looked pregnant; I'm surprised nobody asked me if I was. Being incredibly constipated reminded me of my hellishly miserable school years. I have no doubts now: an unhappy body is an unhappy psyche. Then there was the group I was with. The three other millenials I roomed with were so shallow that even the Irish puddles were saying, "Dayum son!" Is this really what it's come to? Snapchatting every single fucking moment of your life? Filling every waking moment with noise? Gossiping about the Kardashians and the people sitting next to you? I know I sound condescending. But my God, I'm concerned. More and more, I feel like a stranger in a strange land, and Leo's recent episode on loneliness really resonates. I also think of this scene from Wall-E. I went to Ireland for a songwriting workshop, hoping that it could give me some clarity on my relationship with music. It did, but not in the way I hoped. The workshop felt like a break-up. I've spent the past three years seriously building my music and songwriting skills, but now I realize that it's not what I want to do full-time. I hate traditional songwriting. I feel like a charlatan whenever I do it. This workshop reminded me of my social studies classes in primary school, which I always hated. I was a math/science guy in school. The insight I gleaned is this: I'm primarily a musician, not a songwriter. I'm an emotional engineer, not a storyteller. I listen to music less for the lyrics and more for the musicality. For the past three years, the universe has been beating me down, telling me not to be a performing artist. I don't feel built for it. I'm extremely introverted, don't resonate with most people, and most people don't resonate with me. I went into music for music's sake, not for a sense of impact on others. Now I'm craving that sense of impact, and music's not giving it to me. The next insight: music probably won't be my full-time job. I can see myself having an online following and doing busking/local gigs, but no more than that. The blog's also been an interesting experiment, but I feel it burning out as well. I figure I'll keep writing here and ditch the blog. Along with "Follow your bliss," I received some solid advice from one of the songwriters who led the group. "If it ain't 'Hell yeah!' then it's 'No'", she said. Well, songwriting and the blog are not a "hell yeah" anymore, and no amount of listening to music/reading has reignited the fire. I purposely paused on the Life Purpose Course because of how volatile I've been lately. To be expected as a clueless twenty-something...
  6. Phew! What a relief. Meditation, healthy eating, exercise, contemplation, self-enquiry, and all that PD bullshit is too difficult anyways. Welp, back to watching netflix while eating a bag of cheetos in one hand and doing... something else... with the other. I mean, it's all just pointless anyways, right?
  7. @Annetta If you're using a b12 supplement, make sure it's methyl b12, not cyanocobalamin. The latter is not readily absorbed in the body. Also, nutritional yeast ("vegan cheese flavor") provides some b12, if you like that stuff. Cheers!
  8. Sounds to me like you're trying to excuse yourself from social interaction. I'm sure you've read all there is to know about social games, but the map is not the territory. Practice begins in socializing itself, not in reading books. So just keep doing it, and you'll get better.
  9. This is your problem, not the other points. I suggest avoiding bars. Based on what I've read from you, you're probably going to relate to very few people. Cold approaches are a great way to build confidence. But don't expect to make any lasting friendships or deep meaningful conversation. Instead, I suggest joining a group or meetup that shares the same interests. By meeting people with a common interest, They will be interested in what you have to say. You won't struggle to find something interesting to say, because you have a built-in topic of conversation. They will trust you right away. As opposed to you being a stranger that randomly approaches. You will feel connected right away because you're all doing the same activity together. Websites like meetup.com are good for finding groups. Also, for people like you, improv comedy is a fantastic way to connect with others and get out of your comfort zone, minus the awkwardness of cold approach. If you're still in college, tons of student organizations are available to join. As for your being afraid of what to say, contemplate this: What do you want from these people? Obviously, you want something from them, otherwise you wouldn't be afraid of saying anything. Cheers.
  10. international shenanigans. I'm leaving in two days for a trip to Ireland, and then ten days later, a family trip to Peru. I look forward to seeing what new perspectives will come from travel. I'm not looking forward to the eight-hour time difference and 14,000-feet elevation difference between Ireland and Peru. Jet lag AND altitude sickness? Oh boy... I'm starting to implement breathing exercises alongside meditation, based on the information in this book, which I highly recommend for anyone interested in self-actualization. So many gold nuggets in that book. Upon returning from this trip, I'm going to start a super secret detox program...
  11. @electroBeam What's your diet?
  12. You're quick to change your mind... Hearsay can only take you so far. Try out fasting for yourself, and see what happens. Here's a resource for ya. And another.
  13. fake change versus real change. Fake change is spraying a stuffed garbage can with perfume. You temporarily solve the stink problem. But eventually, the perfume wears off, and the smell gets worse. You don't consider taking out the trash, because that's too unpleasant and labor-intensive. So you buy more perfume and continue spraying... until you run out again. The cycle continues until you can no longer afford any more perfume. Real change is when you take out the trash. It's unpleasant; it's labor intensive; it's what you've been avoiding. But once it's done, it's done. The smell is gone for good. You don't need to waste time and money buying any more perfume. Real change occurs when the pain of settling for less than what you're capable exceeds the pain of taking action. You may spray perfume for a long time before reaching this point. You may not even realize that you're spraying. But one day, you'll run out of perfume, and the following ultimatum remains: take out the trash or suffocate.
  14. @Huz It does seem radical to those who are not familiar with the raw movement. Only a couple months ago I was eating strictly Paleo! If you've been eating close to the Standard American Diet, it may be a good idea to transition into this. Jumping right into it can cause a relapse. Start by going vegetarian for a couple weeks, then eliminate all animal products after a month, then eliminate cooked breakfasts and lunches, etc. As for exercise, yes. My day job involves several hours of low-intensity walking, and yesterday I did a high-intensity weightlifting workout. If you'd like to learn more about veganism and raw foods, I wrote a post on the previous page listing a bunch of resources. Cheers!