jjer94

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About jjer94

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  1. yin and yang. Nonduality: There is absolutely nothing I need, ever. The Dream: As a video game character in a simulation-less simulation, I have many needs. A good idea is to fulfill them. Gives me something fun to do while I'm waiting to die. Nonduality: There is absolutely nothing to seek. I am that I am. Tat tvam asi. The Dream: I can spend my entire life seeking and still not find everything. How cool is that? Nonduality: I am Nothingness/God/Brahman/Consciousness/Awareness/Einsof/Abyss/Allah/White Whale/Flying Spaghetti Monster, and I just sit there, being myself. The Dream: I am a unique video game avatar, with quirks, strengths, weaknesses, and apparent free will. I can spend my entire life in the dream discovering myself. That involves lots of suffering, but also lots of peaks. The cool part: I can learn to make suffering just as meaningful as the peaks. As mah neighbah Nietzsche once said, "He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how." Nonduality: In order to discover myself, I have to die. The Dream: In order to discover myself, I have to live.
  2. You have no idea... Thank you for the encouragement Shin <3
  3. actually not a camel. Ahh, finally back in the den. Much to talk about, but I don't know where to start... I just spent the past week in a professional music studio, where I recorded my own EP. I'll share it when it's ready! Surely you've been wondering whether this random forum member is actually not a camel...? The process was intensely satisfying. My creative juices were funneled into the project, leaving me little inkling to write here. I am a bit conflicted, however. Is this still a hobby, or is this something worth pursuing deeper? I know I'm nowhere near as dedicated as some of the other admirable musicians on this forum. I don't practice much, at all. I don't care much for technique or mastery of any particular instrument. Instead, I work with music intuitively. I like how different combinations of sounds work together. I like the feel. I like how the absence of sound or instrumentation can be just as powerful. Also, as an INFJ, what I care about is the meaning. The messages oozing from the music. How the music works holistically to deliver those messages. How music connects people. How it can create cultural revolutions. How it connects dots. Still, parts of my life feel missing, and I don't think music will be able to fill every hole. Life-purpose-wise, it's up in the air.
  4. @Natasha Loooooooove avocadoes and walnuts I hope you're doing well! <3
  5. @Slade I watched this last night. You may be interested: A.V. was afraid of eating raw meat for over a decade, even though it healed his body. And even if it is bullshit, his story is entertaining nonetheless. The thing is, most people on this forum are vegetarian/vegan. Don't expect encouragement on this topic. The best way to find out if the diet works is to test it out yourself. You can start by going keto. I've had tons of success with a cyclical ketogenic diet. Mental clarity, satiation, alleviated depression, sustained energy, easy to fast.
  6. i don't know what to eat anymore. Face bloat, acne, brain fog, irritability, inability to focus, loss of muscle mass, back pain, anxiety, and the grand winner...depression. Within a month of being a grain-based vegetarian, I have all of these symptoms. I wanted to be vegetarian so badly. I thought it would be the perfect balanced diet for me. I still think it's the most ethically sound, longevity-enhancing, and most sustainable way of eating. After watching all the documentaries and reading all the books, I understand that there's not enough non-factory-farmed animals to feed every human. I understand that we're overfishing and may run some species extinct in another fifty years. I understand that with meat comes the lack of fiber, the hormones, etc. But I can't deny how I feel. I'm currently out of town. For dinner last night, I ate a can of sardines. You know that terrible "knee-jerk demon spawn" depression I was writing about before? GONE. WITHIN MINUTES of eating the fish. I'm not exaggerating. WTF!? I woke up this morning with a spring in my step, and my mind is racing with creativity. I wish it were placebo, but this is night and day. Of course, not all symptoms are due to diet; I take an integral approach to PD and know that other things like yoga, journaling, talk therapy, etc work synergistically. But seriously, WTF. I feel like a different person. I don't hate myself! At the same time, I feel so damn conflicted. I don't know what to eat anymore! Everything is bad, everything causes cancer and heart disease. Every food has tradeoffs - except for vegetables. What I do know, is that my body knows better than any of the mind's moralizations. So I'm going to follow the body. Sorry, vegetarians and vegans; I've failed you. (Also, sorry Mom. I love you!)
  7. welcome back! Welp, here he comes again. Hey there, Depression! I had a feeling you'd be back. Come, sit, have a cup of tea with me. Let me give you the mic. D: I'M SUCH A FUCKUP! Depression, anxiety, sensitivity, neuroticism, chronic health issues, victim mentality - all inherited from my mom's side. The same karmic cycles repeated through three generations: my grandma to my mom, and my mom to me. And worst of all, I'M A MAN! At least I'd be more socially accepted as a female. FUCK! Birth trauma, being smothered as a kid, having decisions made for me, being called a wimp and a crybaby, being encouraged to "man up". Expected to stay at the same job for forty years, get married, have kids, lead a "keep up with the Joneses" kind of life, just like my dad and brother, who are polar opposites to me. CONGRATULATIONS, MOM! YOU CREATED FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER! Wow-wee. Where do we start? Hmm... So why does Mom infuriate you? D: Because she fucking made me. Now I have to go through years of therapy to just be at the same psychological stability as your average joe. How many years wasted, chasing my tail. Who knows... thanks, Mom! You believe Mom shouldn't have made you. Is that true? D: Yes. I just want to be normal. I just want to fit in for once in my stupid fucking life. I have no more anesthesia, and it's driving me nuts. I'm so lonely, none of my family understands what I'm going through, and even if I started being honest like this, they'd lash back out at me because they themselves are so psychologically underdeveloped. My birth wasn't a mistake, but I am a mistake. Dayum, a lot more assumptions there. But what's the reality of the situation? D: The reality is: she made me, I am the way I am, and I'm doing all that I can to cope. How do you react when you believe these thoughts? D: How do you think? I get fucking depressed! I get hopeless! I get INFURIATED at everyone and everything! I fucking HATE myself! I hate how emotionally unstable I am! I hate how life just LAID all this shit on me, and now I'm expected to deal with it, while everyone else my age is moving on with their lives like it's a fucking cake walk. I feel like I shouldn't have been born! Who would you be without these thoughts? D: I'd be...present. I'd be able to meditate without going crazy. I'd savor the moment. I'd stay devoted to the pathless path, über disciplined, with the hope that it will transform me over the years. I'd accept myself, warts and all. I'd accept that I'm different from most guys my age, and there's nothing fundamentally wrong about that - it is what it is. I'd learn to cultivate my strengths to the utmost degree. I'd be willing to laugh at myself. I'd see my shortcomings as my strengths. I'd be willing to show my face to others without shame, and maybe have a chance at making friends again. Ahh, there. We have much more to discuss, Señor Depression.
  8. mind, inc. I'm still glowing from that on-the-fly zazenkai. I feel happy for a change! Genuinely happy. My depression is gone, my anxiety much less. Though I suspect these things will come back in waves as ego continues to buck like a bronco. I learned, on a visceral level, that what we call "reality" is all in the mind. Society, humanity, the future, work, pay, self survival. It's all thoughts. My depression only appears when I blow these stories out of proportion. Here's another way to put it: Right now, I'm in my bedroom, typing these words. I have food, water, shelter, and a place to sleep. No immediate threats. No one else in the room. For all I know, I could be the only person in existence right now. But then the mind goes, "But what about my safety in the future? All of the jobs I've done in the past have been royally unfulfilling, and I can't do 9-to-5. That restricts most of my job options. So what now? How will I make ends meet? How will I be able to carry out a purpose? How do I even know what purpose is right for me? It's gotta help others in some way. Fuck. I shouldn't even bother trying, because I've failed so much in the past. I'm done. No way I'll be able to support myself. Society's fucked. It's not made for people like me. There's no hope. May as well kill myself now." That's how insane the mind is. It can manufacture its own world "out there": job, society, others, purpose, et cetera. It can use any evidence to rationalize anything it wants. Then it believes itself, and the body reacts as if its life is being threatened. Hence, anxiety and depression. (Side note: In the context of MBTI, this is expected. The INFJ's inferior cognitive function is extraverted sensing, i.e. being in the here and now.) Yet, all that's happening right now is me typing these words. Some planning is important, but for people like me who live a year into the future and imagine a thousand possibilities every waking moment, meditation and yoga are crucial. There's no stopping me on this journey to nowhere. It's my lifeblood! I've committed to it like a marriage. And a bonus video:
  9. Another side note. I went vegan/raw vegan for half a year and had major issues as well, so I switched back to keto/paleo. In the meantime, I began working on the subtle body through daily yoga and psychedelic therapy, releasing tons of emotions and bodily tensions. Now, after cultivating more body awareness, I'm gravitating back to a plant-based diet. The point is, your issues may not all stem from diet. There are many other factors to consider: psychosomatic tensions, lack of body awareness, daily exercise, PD or spiritual practices, supplements, heredity, anxiety, depression, the list goes on.
  10. Can confirm, I've been squatting on the toilet rim since last year. Though it's hard to get stuff done during the day because I haven't left the bathroom yet and my legs hurt.
  11. Have you ever tried a pressure cooker like the Instant Pot? It cooks grains and legumes much better than stovetop. Also, try these.
  12. on-the-fly zazenkai. @Danielle's recent post inspired me to do my own little retreat! Due to my current living situation, however, I could only do it for a half day. Even so, I learned SO MUCH more than I thought I would. I shall name this type of retreat...the On-the-fly Zazenkai! The Stats: Began at 7:30 AM, ended at 5:00 PM (or 17:00 for you more sensible folk) 3 hrs meditation Contemplation in between activities 45 minutes contemplative snowshoeing 1 hr yoga 30 min yoga nidra 1 totally heinous trip to the grocery store 5 involuntary yodels Only 1 cry 6 verbal "Fuck!"s 53 green stars collected 2 dragons slain The Equipment: My trusty zafu (that has a hole in it and spills beads everywhere) Insight timer Acupressure mat Snowshoes My dignity The Insights: Distraction = "Since sitting in silence literally equates to my death...hey! Look at this!" Anger = "X wronged me in the past, so I need to reinforce my sense of separateness by breaking shit!" My mind effectively distracted me from meditation by generating these insights to share. I am addicted to the half-baked social sustenance from this forum. I use it to distract myself from face-to-face interaction. I have a mother-and-child relationship with myself. The human psyche is literally insane. It has to be, in order to create something from nothing. The tension deep in my navel: "I'm not safe. I am dependent. Resources are scarce. I need to armor myself against rejection in order to prevent abandonment." The mind wants to do anything BUT look inward. I'm not mindful enough during the day. Most of the time, I'm a scheming bastard. I felt remorseful for the way I treated my mom this morning (which wasn't even that bad). Then I realized that my need to apologize was a knee-jerk reaction stemming from the fear of abandonment. And here I thought that saying sorry was just being courteous...nope. Another ego defense mechanism. We create time in order to avoid being God. Suffering and the need to control are fraternal twins. Upon disintegrating: "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISAAAA!!!!" I am nowhere near ready for a 10-day vipassana retreat. My back is nearly destroyed after three hours of meditation. Physical pain is inherently painless. I officially have a crush on everything. Holyshitholyshitholyshit...nothing to do. This insight goes deeper and deeper. I could die right now and it wouldn't even matter. In a sense, I'm half-dead already. That's...amazing! Life is like icing on the formless cake! I discovered a huge reason why I feel so depressed all the time. More on that in a future post. I can see myself doing something like this every week, or at least an Internet sabbath. I feel amazing, happy, grateful, and in awe. At the same time, I feel terrified about where this will lead. That's all, folks. Tune in next week for another episode of "JJ Goes Crazy," where you can witness my unraveling first-hand!
  13. Just a theory: Artists are usually not grounded in a spiritual practice, making them psychologically volatile. They have no tools to cope with negative thinking, so it tends to snowball until they have to numb it with recreational drugs or alcohol. Spiritual people, on the other hand, are grounded in a spiritual practice, which transforms their psyche and prevents mental instability. Another observation: Artists tend to feel more deeply than most people. On an MBTI, most artists comprise the _NF_ category. Hence the psychological volatility. Source: An artist that would have killed himself a while back if not for daily spiritual practice.
  14. radical leftist shadow-boxing. This interview is legendary: In particular, I'm fascinated with the underlying psychological dynamics. I can sympathize with radical leftists like Cathy. I myself have felt like a victim most of my life. Unresolved victim mentality naturally results in projection - "The other person is evil and should change for me." You can wait forever before they change, or you can adopt a narrative that validates said victim mentality. Enter radical leftism, a group of people who have not taken responsibility for their inner space. It's shadow-boxing on the macrocosmic level. In order to hide the underlying egoic hatred for the oppressor and to make themselves feel good, radical leftists present their arguments under the guise of compassion and inclusivity. But they are far from it: "Your right to free speech should not be above your right to offend ____." They want to design a world where they can avoid all of their own triggers. They want to design a world where they can avoid looking inward. Ken Wilber calls this phenomenon "Boomeritis." Boomeritis is stage green infected with stage red in Spiral Dynamics. An outward hippy, but inward mob boss. I don't deny the patriarchy. I don't deny that feminism and the left's consideration of oppressed groups throughout history has been crucial for the world's psychological advancement. But I think it ought to come from a place of love, not of vindication. That's real liberalism. Coming from a place of love requires lots of inner work though, which is why I think people like Leo are so crucial for the future. Fascinating how our psychological development (or lack thereof) can dictate our political views.