Naviy

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About Naviy

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    Moscow, Russia
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  1. Yeah, overcoming an addiction is painful. From my experience with videogames addiction - cravings become weaker only with time. Because I'm constantly busy with real life stuff, I have not played for more than a year now, and I'm not having cravings to play games. In fact, this activity seems to tasteless, pointless and harming to me now, that I would feel very dirty if I tried to play a game "seriously" (I can play something on my phone once in 2-3 weeks for 30 minutes). However, I still have many dear memories with games. They were my friends and I was escaping real life violence in them. I love these memories and I am grateful to some of the games that I used to play. Maybe you should not be so harsh on yourself? Try to leave the addiction step by step. For example, remove all the games, but keep watching Twitch from time to time. The less you will play, the less it will be interesting for you. Finding a substitute to addiction is very important too. Even not very high-conscious activity. Maybe try to read/listen some novels, fantasy and that kind of books. Some kind of other entertainment. Even movies. Learn chess. Walking more. Music. Some new hobby, learn business, guitar, carpentry, puzzles, bicycle, new books, new communities, offline board games. The purpose of finding another low-consciousness substitute is to drag your attention from video games. Because the more time you spend not playing, the less you will want to play. But you gotta survive this period of time somehow. At the first stages of overcoming addiction thinking something like: "Oh, I'm gonna delete all my accounts and stop even watching games and I'm gonna triple my meditation practice and I'm gonna FUCKING LOVE my meditations 100x more than games" is kind of too brutal. I believe, it's too difficult to accomplish.
  2. My father is a narcissist and I was constantly under his influence until my age of 26 when I quit my job as a lawyer in his company and moved for living from Russia to Bali. I have 100% no-contact with him for more than a year now. I have inherited some narcissistic traits from him, but also I have studied narcissism quite a lot from the perspective of a narcissistic abuse victim. I remember when I was a teenager I was pretty narcissistic. Now I see how psychologically violent I actually was with other people because of lack of empathy and because of my insecurity. By then I did not realize it at all. I would never admit that I was violent and manipulative towards other people because I felt totally justified for my manipulations. The need to control other person to escape from my insecurities was so strong, that there was no room for caring about another person. If somebody told me that I was manipulative and violent, then somehow I would have automatic reaction: "Well, I don't care, it's their fault that they made me to be manipulative with them. If they were behaving how I want, then I would not have to be manipulative with them!" The idea that I have no right to force other people to behave how I wanted somehow did not cross my mind. I simply was not aware of such a concept. I did not know any other way of communication, so I had no choice. I only wanted to escape from my insecurities, loneliness and psychological violence of the environment of that time. By any means. For example, when I was 17 years old, I fell in love with a girl. And what I needed the most, is to make sure that she constantly feels guilty and wrong by not giving me all her attention. I did not want her to have friends because I myself did not have any friends and I knew that if she will spend her time with her friends, she will see that they are actually much better than me and she will stop communicating with me and I will become miserable. So I manipulated her, for example, by trying to show her that if she spent time with her friends, she has committed a sin, did something bad to me and now I am suffering, so now she owes me and she must ask for forgiveness by giving me more sincere attention, making me very important for her. I was doing it systematically and I was creative with it. Of course, this hurt her, but she was deceived by me and it was not obvious for her that I hurt her. I was not feeling wrong for doing this because I thought that she was always wrong by not satisfying my need of attention and love. Why the hell I was thinking that she MUST give me love and attention no matter how I behave with her? I don’t know, I just did not have enough love and understanding in my life, so I was deeply insecure and I was craving for love and attention. I could not give love, I only needed to receive it (a lot). And because I could not give love, I could not sincerely care about a person, I was not capable of sacrifice and compromise. In a sense, I enjoyed her suffering from guilt because it means that I myself was secure, I could control her, I could get what I needed from her (attention, compassion, love, feeling of being important). Her suffering was in my interest. And I did not have thoughts that I hurt her, I only had thoughts that I myself must escape from my suffering. So, yeah, I guess I was not capable of feeling emotions of her suffering. Because even if I intellectually understood that I make her suffer, I would not feel bad about it, because me making her suffering was for the sake of my own salvation. So, I think that this neediness + incapability of giving leads to violent manipulative behavior. I think that all underdeveloped people are inevitably manipulative and violent with each other, but if you're "objectively, biologically" totally incapable of significantly improving in this area, even if you try, then, I guess, you could be a sociopath, psychopath, narcissist, etc. With time my social environment became better, I was working on my psychology, becoming more mindful, becoming more capable of giving love to myself and, therefore, to others. Now I see how destructive manipulative behavior is - for yourself and for others. Now I want to be giving as much love as possible. I want to heal and help other people (I'm even thinking about making my YouTube channel's main theme - recovery from narcissistic abuse with the help of high quality values, mindfulness, honesty, self love, self acceptance, meditation, developing interest in Truth, discipline, Mastery, authenticity, etc.). Now the topic of narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, abuse became interesting to me because I think that at some level I can relate to both victims and perpetrators. And I want to give them understanding and compassion that they are always lacking (which I was lacking myself). Especially to the victims, TBH.
  3. I had a surgery with total anesthesia (for 4 hours). I can only remember the first moment I started waking up - I heard voice of the doctor and became very surprised, then thoughts happened: "What is this [about sound]? Why is this needed? Everything was so perfect". I cannot remember how it feels to be during anesthesia, but I remember this brief moment less than a second before I even heard the doctor's voice. It felt like very very satisfying blackness (even though I realized there was blackness only after I started waking up). Basically, like deep sleep. Very satisfying and very complete. Not boring. It feels like a pause. Also, the voice of doctor appeared "above" this satisfying pause. And then thoughts, feelings, vision, memories of my life appeared "above" it. Itself did not go anywhere. There is it, and above it all kind of experiences. Everything appears in this satisfying "being/sleeping", I guess (if I'm not fantasizing). I find this experience useful for self inquiry. Sometimes I try to remember that moment before the voice of doctor appeared above nothingness and try to find this nothingness in present moment. Everything is appearing "above" it, how can itself disappear? I guess, this is what was there before you were born? This "containing". I'm afraid I could be fantasizing, though, so in self inquiry I do not always rely on that memory.
  4. Not so much, but. First, just remind yourself that everything will pass. Everything. Even this current phase of your life will pass in future. It WILL change in future. You will not be feeling the same as now. Second, as for now, accept that you have to be in hell. Let your body to live in agony during this phase of life. It has to be like that. You have a legitimate and valid reason to be in agony. Life happened like this. Sometimes a wild antelope is being eaten alive by an unexperienced young lion, can you imagine how much it is suffering? This LRyan has to suffer right now -- the nature said so. Try to be as kind as possible to yourself, try to treat yourself, surround yourself with people that you like (if possible), do things that you like, do not demand much from yourself. It's a major, major pain, so treat yourself accordingly. You a right and a need for it. And do not forget - it too will pass.
  5. I really doubt that a person who was randomly given such a course would actually use it. It will be used only by those who already follow Leo's content, know about LPC and want to have it, but cannot (do not want) to buy. Even not all of them will finish it and get some use of it. It's like giving a 1000 pages Encyclopedia to a 15 years old, thinking: "Oh, such a good educational gift I made. It will be so useful for the kid". The kid won't even open it.
  6. 1) You can download OneNote 2016 for free here: https://www.onenote.com/download Click "Other download options". But it cannot store files locally. 2) You can buy MS Office with OneNote 2016 or older. It can store files locally. 3) You can use my trick to use free version of OneNote and still backup files locally:
  7. Thanks. @Shin Yes, this is what I do. Before I used to force myself to stick only to one technique at least for a month. I remember when I first tried a new technique, I was doing only it for at least 2 months. It was fine for me and it was effective. Now I kind of feel what will work the most today - "freestyle" or some particular technique and do it. Recently I whether mix different techniques, switching from one to another during meditation, or do "just meditation", just how I feel it.
  8. During meditation I started to notice that often I do not want to use any particular technique. When I try to force myself to use a technique (any of those I know), it feels like it is actually holding me back, limits me. Instead, I kind of want to do "just meditation" without any technique (for myself I call it "freestyle meditation"). It feels like a mix of all techniques' goals. I am being aware, at the same time concentrated, at the same time letting go of control over attention, at the same time paying attention to objects, at the same time getting out of thought hypnosis, at the same time letting thoughts and everything be, at the same time kind of self-inquiring automatically a little bit, etc. And I'm kind of naturally finding balance between all the "things you do" during meditation. Be gentle, but not lazy. Be concentrated, but don't forget to accept and let go. Do something like become aware of an object, but also do not do anything. It's very difficult to track progress, so I do not know what is more effective - doing this "freestyle meditation" or sticking to a particular technique (like mindfulness with labeling or focus on breath or letting thoughts go or do nothing or being aware of thought without controlling them). So. Is it just ego being lazy and resists doing any techniques, or this "meditation without a technique" is legitimate? Could you give an advice?
  9. I'm actually starting a YT channel about personal development in my language, lol, except I don't take it as Life Purpose yet. I legitimately do not see anything more important and impactful than educating people about higher values and higher consciousness right now. Also, I love to do deep research, to gather insights, knowledge and wisdom and I love to see how my creativity affects other people. I want to become a person, which helps humanity to move to next stage of development - to more conscious life. It's so exciting to be like a scientist, like a discoverer, like a mage traveling across unseen worlds. To discover possibilities of reality and consciousness like astronauts in movies discover other planets. Like shamans, psychonauts and witches discover other realms. It's like to be a 1000 years old wizard. Except it's even more important and deep than being a wizard. When I was a lawyer, I hated that I always had to work with artificial conflicts, papers, contracts, courts. It makes no sense. What's the ultimate purpose of all this? What's the importance of all this? I always wanted to be doing something tangible, important and that makes sense. For example, to do some deep medical research, to discover aliens or magic or new laws of physics or travel in other realms. Diving deeper into personal development gives me a chance to become a scientist, a researcher (doing his experiments even, where the lab is his own life), a bringer of knowledge, a discoverer. It makes me feel more like a Hero on Hero's Journey. Of course, I do not have any serious knowledge or skills yet. And I do not have absolute confidence what my LP is. However, I think that this my activity with YT channel and then possibly with a blog, will lead my life closer to my true Life Purpose.
  10. Leo, what is the difference between ego and personality? @Leo Gura
  11. Not answering questions directly is a way of cutting through the bullshit that questions carry. It's similar to not following a manipulative question by not answering it directly. If a deluded person would ask you a deluded question without an intention to get rid of his delusion, it would sound like this: "People say that you raped a dog. Comment please, why did you do that?" "I did not do it". "So, you're saying that people are lying? We are all liars and you're the perfect one? I do not understand, comment please". etc. Many of questions to spiritual teachers are coming from delusion. If you will answer them directly, this will breed even more delusion. Look how Nisargadatta Maharaj was answering questions (really, look).
  12. There are: 1) OneNote Windows 10 App (newest) 2) Older OneNote versions like OneNote 2016, etc. OneNote App is free, but it cannot save files locally. All your files are stored in Microsoft cloud. OneNote 2016 and older can save your files locally. Mostly I like using OneNote App more, but I do not like that all my files can only be stored in cloud. What if I lose access to my Microsoft account - will I lose all my data then? To save files locally in OneNote 2016 you have to buy MS Office. However, here is a trick I personally use to backup my OneNote files locally for free. There is a free version of OneNote 2016. It will ask you to buy MS Office if you will try to save files locally. However, it can backup files locally for free. 1) Go to here and download free version of OneNote 2016 (little link "Other download options" in the bottom of the page) https://www.onenote.com/download 2) In downloaded free OneNote 2016 go to File - Options - Save&Backup 3) Backup your files. They will be stored locally in OneNote program format 4) If you need to recover files, go to File - Open Backups This is how you can save your OneNote files locally for free. Cons: 1) All your files will still be first saved in Microsoft cloud, so you cannot store your files ONLY locally (have to buy MS Office for this) 2) If you recover backups, you will have to manually move restored sections to your notebooks. Because program backs up not notebooks, but sections with notes in them (structure is saved). This is not a big deal, takes a couple of minutes. Because I am paranoid, I also import OneNote files to Evernote and then from Evernote export them in .html format.
  13. Guys, can you help me to figure this out. There are 2 version of OneNote: 1) Windows 10 OneNote (impossible to backup on your hard drive) 2) OneNote 2016 (you can backup on your hard drive if you buy MS Office) Windows 10 OneNote is connected with OneDrive and you cannot save notes offline on your hard drive. Basically, with Windows 10 OneNote you cannot backup your notes on your hard drive at all. OneNote 2016 will let you save notes offline on your hard drive, but only if you buy MS Office. Also, there is Evernote. If you download Evernote desktop version, it will allow you to backup your files in .html format or .enex (Evernote program format) on your hard drive, but the structure of notes is never fully kept anyway. And there is Google Keep which allows you whether download your notes in .html format or in .doc format, so you can backup offline. But Keep basically has no functions to structure your notes. I tried all 3 programs. And OneNote seems more comfortable, but it is not usable for me because you cannot backup notes on your hard drive (and I did not like 2016 version). It is difficult to make structured notes in Evernote, but you can at least backup them in .html or program format. Google Keep became too simple for me. So, how do you personally backup your notes?
  14. I use Google Keep and backup all my notes once a week by downloading them on my PC and on an external drive. For notes I use categories too.
  15. I used to be skeptical about all those energies and yoga stuff. But recently I started having a desire to add something physical to my meditation practice. It just started to feel like I need to do something with energy. Not just observing mind, but to actually start moving energy. So 4 days ago I started doing some yoga before meditation. Particularly this one - So today I was doing 1hr of Do Nothing meditation after doing these yoga exercises. And during meditation I became sleepy. Sometimes I was kind of falling asleep and then waking up (constantly sitting with erect spine). And then muscles in my back started slightly moving, kind of wave motion left-right-left-right. I was in that half asleep state. I decided to connect to this feeling, and then my shoulders started to "dance" - like if you're swimming on your back. It felt very pleasant, like it's very healthy for my spine. Then I had an urge to make even bigger moves with my back muscles like half-spinning. And I did - it felt very pleasant too. Then I did big movements with my shoulders like swimming forward. It all felt like being done automatically. I even had thought "OMG wow finally I'm having some cool meditation experience", and it did not stop during these thoughts. I want to engage in physical yoga more and learn about all these energies, Kundalini, Reiki. It feels right to me now. So, anybody had anything like this? Does it mean anything?