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I believe it could be the success of an deeply rooted unhappy ego. Here's some words I've written down some time ago, for purpose of potential use at music composition. No name: "It's either you or me There will be one death Or two Which will it be. Kill yourself. Or kill the thought of killing yourself. Either way is fine Either way is fine You will cease to exist." Mental Suicide: "Commit suicide In order to survive Kill your --- self If you want to live The suicidal person you are Needs to be killed Or it will take you with it"

Hello there fellow self actualizer, I know what you're talking about, cause i've felt the same before. That's kind of a byproduct of self actualizing, from what i understand about it up to now. What you're doing with self actualization and enlightenment work etc. is basically fighting against the grain of your comfortable ego. As leo explaines in his ´homeostasis´-video, your psyche is just as well a homeostatic system as basically any other system. And shaking up this static state can sometimes be very horrifying. In his book ´Spiritual Enlightenment - The most damdest thing´Jed mckenna calls this the 'autolysis' of the ego. You're burning your ´self´to the ground, basically comitting suicide. And thats f***ing hard. What I found helpful is changing your perspective a bit, in how you look at life and your ego all together. When were saying ego, were talking about this thing that doesn't exist. So that means that anything that is coming from something that doesn't exist, basically doesn't mean anything, so CAN not have any effect on our reality... if you are commited to apply this Idea. When it comes to life itself, when I think about life, it's usually in a very simple way. Life is meaningless. And life being meaningless is also meaningless, which kind of gives the whole thing an eary but cool touch. Like Leo sais 'life is meaningless and saying life is meaningless is also meaningless, so you can basically do anything you want'... I know im beating around the bush. What im trying to say is take it easy, what is of the future is of the future. So you don't know. I imaginge being happy/fullfilled must be pretty f***ing awesome. Don't get yourself caught up with worry about what may be or what may not be. what you know, you know and what you don't know, you don't know!

My Story: I was in a relationship for 3 years that I settled on a bit too early on in my dating adventures. I ended up cheating on her about 3 or 4 times because she was not everything I wanted in a partner. We began fighting like crazy and it eventually got physical (she threw a phone at me.) I never touched her but at that point everything began to break down. We had an odd relationship. Booze often lead to us in some crazy situations. I feel I am a man who is made for two women or multiple relationships intertwined. There were time where my girlfriend and I would f*ck with one of my friends (she'd only suck d*ck) turned me on though. Maybe this was my way of making my cheating "ok" because I gave her permission to play with others. I decided to join the Navy as a means of getting out of the relationship and also a much more stable financial future. I got out of bootcamp into A school (Navy Tech School) and thought maybe I could make it work. Even though I wanted out of the relationship I still loved her and proposed like an idiot. Literally two weeks later I run into a Navy girl who also had a fiancé and we both kind of clicked. Over the course of a night we ended up skinning dipping at a beach and f*cked all through the morning. I didn’t tell my Fiance for about a week. I canceled the wedding after the invitations were out. I was an idiot. I fell hard for the new girl and she ended up cheating on me almost having a threesome with two other guys. Only ended up f*cking one of them. I was completely destroyed. I had left my fiancé to be with this girl and karma turned around hit me with a brick. I left and went to go see my ex-fiance who was f*cking destroyed and we ended up hooking up again… she didn’t look good physically or emotionally. I remember at one time I had my father in Pensacola. I picked up a random girl from a bar and brought he back to my hotel room and we had sex. Then I proceeded to drunk drive back to my A school and pick up my other partner and brought her back to the hotel. Proceeded to have sex with her. For the next 6 months I hopped between both girls destroying them both emotionally as I destroyed myself and drank heavily. I was officially scum of the earth. I ended up getting the new girl pregnant and she had an abortion. I begged to be back with my ex-fiance in a drunk phone call that I later decided was a terrible idea the following morning. I ended up getting stationed in Norfolk, VA. The “new girl” tried to commit suicide after I left A school. My cell phone died as I talked to her sobbing in my car in Virginia as she swallowed a bottle of pills. She finally got out of the Navy. My ex-fiance coasted with me a little longer us hooking up here and there but has since moved on. I still keep light contact with the other girl but she is now married. My Thoughts: What did I learn… I think I learned nothing and everything honestly. The abortion. The Suicide. The Tears. The Drama. The Uncertainty. I still feel like scum. At the same time I enjoyed the drama of it all. I have 0 intention of doing anything like that to anyone ever again. I want true profound love with a woman or women. No more surface level or extremely toxic relationships. At the same time even though my life was a living hell it was the most profound roller coaster ride of my life. Just so much pain, love, sex, drugs, and profound longing. I have never felt so important to someone’s existence as I did in those relationships. I felt powerful… I felt bad… I felt good. I felt like a psycho honestly. I have since evolved. Albeit a little. I still love the attention of women… my drinking is no longer a problem. I can choose to drink rather than have to. I think I thrive on drama. My mind goes in 10,000 directions. It is best I stay in the present moment and radiate love in all it’s forms. Moral of the story leave people better than you found them. Karma is a b*tch.

I think self love plays a huge role in forgiveness. Without self love you may not find it worthwhile to forgive. Self love is so foundational to so many things. I remember watching an interview with Brene Brown and Oprah and they were discussing how rape victims can get over a one time event , but the thing that cripples them is that they believe that they are unworthy of love. Which is Brene Brown's definition of shame, The belief that you are unworthy of love. She also contends that shame is one of the major causes of violence, suicide, drug addiction, and more. So how do we love ourselves? How do we affirm that we are worthy of love just as we are? One way that has been working for me is a Kamal Ravikant style of affirmation. Where you just affirm over and over again "I love myself" for as long as you possibly can. It helps to put your hands on your chest when you do this. And I have to say that it actually works. I'm still a beginner to this practice, but the love flows and if feels really really good. But trust me when I say that I have much work to do in the area of forgiveness and self love All the best, - Colin

"These tiny enclosures, these boundaries and fences, have troubled man too much. In three thousand years, five thousand wars have been fought. In the past when they fought wars with bows and arrows it was okay, there was not much harm done; if a few people died there was no problem. But now war is total war. Now, it is the suicide of all of mankind. Now, the whole place can become a Hiroshima - any day, at any moment.. Consider the horror of such a war and think of how much energy is going into it. This same energy could fill the entire earth with greenery, could fill it with prosperity. For the first time man could dance absorbed in bliss, could sing songs of ecstasy, could follow the quest of meditation. But this will not happen. Your so-called patriots, these nationalists.." ~OSHO I don't think people's nationality matters to me more than their haircut. What does matter is if they're dogmatic in regard to any subject: religion, race, philosophy to the point of manifesting it to me by agression, placing judgement and trying to make me act against my will. Like some meme says: Belief is like penis - It's perfectly fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around. Waving might be not that harmful, but if I make a drawing and say it's a Mahomet or let's say the flag of my country - I may suffer physically, because in some person's perception I profaned sacred/national symbol of the virtue he/she sees in it. All these symbols are protected against criticism and making fun of one is judged by big part of the society as immoral, etc. That is double standard.

I believe actual suicide does kind of co relate. in terms of Eckhart tolle. The ego couldn't take it so it killed the mind form by himself. Where other most people who actually do suicide..... wants to protect their mind form.... so they kill the real body instead in order to protect the mind form (thoughts). the most scariest thing is... thoughts are left. Suicide is actually, I think, is the success of the ego.

While I completely see the validity of your sharing Leo, my new point of view in life is a bit different. I have practically lived in a Psy Hospital (Godmother was a Psychiatrist and took me with her all the time). I have seen people with depression all my life, starting with my ex husband who committed suicide, and with me actually ending up with a deeply traumatic depression that put me in (sometimes under) my bed for 8 moths... What scared the S*@T out of me is that I saw, both in my own practice and in my godmothers - people coming to us for years and years and years... I did not want to live my life like that! I think that at any level one is, if they had someone helping them to interrogate. to probe, to inquire, to really dig deep into 1. who is this "I" having the depression (is meant to alleviate the pressure of this happening to ME me me me me me.. who is this me? ) 2. what it actually feels like in their body as opposed to what they are thinking... (get the person in touch with their own trauma stored in their physical body and help them live it with no judgement ( words, labels, concepts, etc) Anyway... this is how I got myself out of it

WARNING: If you are sensitive to serious subjects, such as self harm, please consider discontinuing your participation in this thread. I had this kind of outrageous thought of enlightenment in relation to actual suicide. I am aware this might be a sensitive subject, however, I think challenging the fear of reasoning about serious things could lead to the apex of enrichment in one's personal development. So, if you've successfully managed to become enlightened, it seems as this is pretty close to actual suicide. I can only imagine that there is someone who went one step further in this quest. Anyone that have any reasonings concerning identity suicide in relation to physical suicide, and want to discuss, go ahead.

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