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About zenjen

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    Aspiring Baboon

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  1. This reminds me of a story Alan Watts told: “Buddha said, ‘If you suffer, you suffer because you desire, & your desires are either unattainable or always disappointed. Cut out desire.’ So his disciples went away and they stamped on desire, jumped on desire, cut the throat of desire, and threw out desire. When they came back, Buddha said, ‘But you are still desiring not to desire.’” Except replace Buddha with Leo and imagine it’s about unconciousness “but you are still unconscious to the fact that some people must be unconscious, because that is reality, because that is part of the Truth”
  2. Psychological Warfare I was doing my own tarot reading and asked myself why I'm so afraid of listening to my intuition today, and I realized that it's because I'm scared shitless of what it is telling me. I feel like my conscious and subconscious desires have split me in two and I can't ignore it anymore. I had myself a good cry, something I haven't done much of lately because my medications are suppressing my emotions. And so the question arises that I finally need to answer: What do I really want to do? Do I want to quit my job? Conscious/logic: Your job isn't bad, really not bad at all actually. You don't have to punch in and out. You can be up to 10 minutes late every day and the creative director doesn't care. You have a decent amount of creative freedom, you can design things the way you like, typically. It is extremely flexible with your schedule. The pay is fairly low but you can’t get much better right now. you can't ask for much more because graphic design jobs are hard to come by, especially for people like yourself with no formal portfolio or bachelors degree. You should at least stay until August when you'll be at 2 years. Subconscious/emotion: You should quit. You know that this work doesn't fulfill you and you don't feel a sense of belonging there. You can always move back in with your parents and you wouldn't have to pay bills. It might take awhile to sort out but you can do better than what you have now. Do I want to break up with my boyfriend? Conscious/logic: He is a great guy. He has a good personality, a stable job, and does his best to care for you. Your family adores him too. You two get along well and rarely fight. You have a home together that you've been pouring your work into for months. Why would you leave him? Subconscious/emotion: You don't want to marry him so what's the point of staying together? You don't love him romantically, and you haven't for awhile now. You still feel this gaping hole of loneliness, even when you are with him. Why are you doing this to him and yourself? Do I want to travel the world? Conscious/logic: Well, you want to keep going to school and that doesn't really work. You also have bills to pay and a job that you would need to leave behind. You have enough money saved up to make it for awhile but it just doesn’t make sense to do this right now. Maybe you should wait until you graduate and then think about it. Subconscious/emotion: Yes. You need to do this asap. I'm not going to tell you why though, you just gotta. Shit's getting real now and I can tell inevitably that my subconscious mind will win this battle. Either I will choose to do these things willingly or my subconscious will sabotage me until it wins. I'm not sure which scenario is scarier.
  3. No, girls do not have it easier, it is just difficult in different ways. Like having to gauge the intentions of men in order to not be taken advantage of, or dealing with creeps, there’s no scarcity of those. That’s why women choose to stay single until they find a guy with seemingly good intentions who they are both emotionally/physically attracted to. Guys who fit that standard are not always easy to find. My best advice would be to take a break from women for awhile and focus on yourself and building your self confidence. Having a hot girlfriend would only be a very temporary fix for your self esteem. You sound like you are in a state of desperation, and girls can definitely sense that and it turns them right off no matter what you look like, to be honest.
  4. Detroit, Michigan!
  5. You are so close to a breakthrough I can feel it! You have already come so far. Keep going, I’m excited to see where this work takes you.
  6. From my experience, addictions are like a tricky tangled up ball of thread. They all come from the same source, and once you start working to get rid of one knot, you might find there is another to get rid of first. For example, when working on your television addiction you might turn to music as an addiction and that becomes your next focus. Patience is key. Don’t expect yourself to quit an addiction cold turkey on your first shot. It is connected to others and may come back around as you work on it. I say this because I sense that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed. Have patience. If you feel inclined to tackle music addiction, then do it. Just take it slow and really make yourself aware of how you feel when you get to listen to music, and when you choose not to. Become the observer, look at yourself from a distance. Simple awareness is the first step (you probably already know that, but it doesn’t hurt to be reminded). Then start making changes when you feel ready. If quitting listening to music leads you to a different addiction, or back to another addiction you had been previously working on, be extra mindful of that. I find sometimes just putting on my headphones and never even turning on music helps me concentrate, as strange as that might seem, I think you should try it. Also, I would suggest trying to listen to rain and nature sounds in place of music. Hope this helps
  7. I think that genius can only happen when one transcends perceptions of what is “sane” and “insane”. These are very general words/labels after all and say nothing of the nature of any given individual. Each individual has qualities of the “sane” and “insane” to some degree. Also, thinking of people as either normal or abnormal is a trap. No one is who you think they are.
  8. Some of my favorites for working out
  9. A Return to Love – My Story Continued This morning I was reading Gabby Bernstein’s book May Cause Miracles. Gabby defines a miracle as a moment in which we choose love instead of fear. The premise of the book is that each day, for 40 days, there is an affirmation and a journal prompt to follow that will eventually lead to a transformation in perception. At 8:30 a.m. I was setting an hourly reminder for today’s affirmation on my phone: “I believe in miracles”. The second I was finished, my boyfriend walked into the room and handed me his phone with a grim expression on his face, “It’s your sister” he said, staring at me. It was an unusual time to call and I immediately thought this can’t be good. When I lifted the phone up to say hello, my sister blurted out that my grandma, the one who has been living with us for years, had passed away. She was crying and I could hear my mother crying hysterically in the background. After the phone call, I thought back to the time about a month ago when I was in my “manic” phase and I felt a shift in my grandmother’s energy. This was a day or two before I went to the mental hospital. I went home and visited grandma, who had just gotten back from the hospital after falling and breaking her wrist, and I could feel something was radically different about her. For example, I had just moved out with my boyfriend and she remembered that I was home alone a lot, so she said that she was going to get me a poodle as a house-warming present. This was strange because only a few weeks before she had forgotten altogether that I had a boyfriend of 5 years. Not only that, she seemed incredibly calm and peaceful, which was uncharacteristic of her. I think only by having such a radical change in my own intuition and energy could I recognize that she was going through almost the same thing, and that realization shook me to my core. She had let go of the misery she was holding onto for her entire life, and I could clearly see it. After my talk with grandma that night, I walked into the kitchen and told my mom I needed to speak with her. I hesitated, but I told her that I didn’t think grandma has much time left and that she should call relatives over to see her. She looked at me wide-eyed and asked why I thought that. I told her that I just knew, I could feel it, and I started crying. My mom told me she had a similar feeling but wasn’t sure if it was true. Since my mom believes I’m “gifted” she listened to my advice and called all of our relatives the following day. So today I was thinking about the affirmation “I believe in miracles” and how it relates to my grandmother’s death, given the uncanny timing and background of the situation. Birth is considered a miracle, your perception is radically changed then, so death must be a miracle also, right? According to Gabby’s definition, I would say so. I believe my grandma’s ego had finally died about a month before her actual death. My sister kept saying things like “she’s been so nice, it’s weird”, “I think that fall knocked some sense into her”. I think what happened to her was a miracle. She had finally given up the perception she had been holding onto for so long. She was so thoroughly reminded of her own mortality after that fall and hospital stay that it changed her perception of life, and she was finally at a somber peace. From this experience, I have new motivation for doing this work, I don’t want to wait until I’m 83 years old and ready to die before I finally make peace with the world as it is.
  10. Changing Habits Unhealthy patterns I would like to put an end to: Binge eating/eating trash foods Smoking (on and off*) Excessive drinking and/or drinking alone (on and off*) Sedentary lifestyle Social media addiction (on and off*) Caffeine addiction Internet addiction Judging myself harshly/punishing myself with guilt and blame Procrastination (specifically for homework) On and off* means that the habit isn't constant but comes and goes in phases, they are typically the ones I turn to when I try to stop a different pattern. They are sneaky ones I need to watch out for as I'm trying to improve myself. How will I stop these patterns? First, I want to research in depth the causes of these specific addictions/habits. Then, I want to work on increasing my awareness while the act of these habits and question deeply why I should put an end to them. Just making this list was a good start, I think. If anyone knows of any good resources specific to releasing these patterns, recommendations would be appreciated. Some healthy ways to start changing these patterns: I have a vape pen that I'm going to start using again to help kick smoking. I will make sure it's always in my car in case I need it. Private journaling in a real notebook (so I don't have to go on my laptop). Reading instead of going online. Taking long walks outside or on the treadmill while listening to video content/podcasts (reducing sedentary activity). Taking 5 minutes to meditate before choosing to eat something unhealthy or drink alcohol. Continue mirror affirmations for anxiety.
  11. Hiatus It’s 4 a.m. and I’m awake because I’ve been sick the past few days, congested beyond belief. I’m having trouble breathing and I’m not sure what to do about it anymore. I haven’t done my daily Pilates routine in 3 days and I feel bad about it, the same with my journaling habit. I was on a two-week streak that ended when I started getting sick. The good thing, I suppose, is that I haven’t had a cigarette in almost 4 days. I’m happy about that, but honestly, I think it’s to do with being too sick to breathe. I picked up smoking again on a particularly desperate day at work about a week and a half ago when I was falling asleep at my desk. The medications that I’m on were making me drowsy and still make it very difficult to focus. I’ve been trying to limit my caffeine to one cup of coffee per day since I've been out of the hospital. I think my mind/body is retaliating by trying to suck me into other addictions. I should probably consider meditating more often.
  12. @khalifa the documentary looks fascinating, thank you so much!
  13. Reflections My therapist Ken asked me today if I see myself as the kind of person who would be a mental hospital patient. I think he was expecting me to say no, because he doesn’t see me as such a person, but that’s not true. I was a mental hospital patient; therefore I am that type of person. Do I let it define me? No. But I’m also not going to put myself over anyone else that I saw in that hospital and pretend that I'm somehow different or better. I told Ken that I saw myself in all of the patients, even a woman who was addicted to meth and committed arson. I could sense her struggle and need for help, and I could relate. She was one of the people who hugged me tight and wept when it was time for me to go. I told Ken that I was more afraid of leaving the hospital than being in it because I actually felt connected to people while I was there. He paused for a moment and said, “Maybe you're in the wrong line of work then,” and told me that I should consider a degree in psychology and become a therapist. He said that not many people have that type of empathy and some of the best therapists have been through hard times and that’s how they can connect with their patients. He also said that would vouch for me to get into grad school, even though that’s not anytime soon for me. I think I’m going to consider it though. I’d like to write a book on my story someday when I’m older and hopefully, by then I’ll be more studied in psychology. Also here’s a video that I’ve listened to 3 times already and wanted to share. I think it’s a very beautiful psychological/philosophical view of the modern individual and society.
  14. @Gabriel Antonio @phoenix666 the empathetic side of my experience definately felt profound. The day before the hospital I told my mother some of what I was feeling, I told her that I experienced God and that everything felt new again to me (which it did). She didn't really question it too much because she is spiritual herself (she had a dream where she was told by spirit guides that I was a 'seer' and is convinced that I'm special). I was absorbing almost more than my mind could handle that day. I asked her to take me to a department store, so that I could experience what it felt like for the first time, even though I've been there hundreds of times. I shed a tear looking at the inspirational messages in the home decor section and while carefully inspecting the Christmas ornaments. God has a sense of humor for sure. I was thinking, "everything here is made of so much love and suffering, it's all so beautiful". I thought of the kids in the factories working to make everything in the store and the happy shoppers smiling at me as they passed. I could feel absolutely everything that day, I was able to absorb feelings as well as apply whatever meaning to whatever I wanted.