Nadosa

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  1. Hi, I have been struggling with mind, identity and ego problems for some time now. At the moment I am in a critical place again. It is that the ego cant live anymore and I identify with that. Dont question why there are these patterns, I dont know. They arose first when I suffered from Depression after Depersonalization. These patterns make me believe that there is no way I can live anymore and when they are there it is really hard to push through as there is not really a healthy picture of myself in my mind anymore. I describe what it looks like: I get the thoughts or feeling with that intepretation above, it freezes me, I feel like a huge wave of energy runs through my body, shattering the answer to the question "Who am I?". Then I project myself in the future seeing "myself" and then the cycle goes on, and it goes deeper and deeper. It feels like I am not supposed to live because my mind doesnt want me to live. Then sometimes, I can label this part of my mind as 'evil' and leave it with the words "i dont want to die'. But it never goes away completely. I am 19 and it feels like...god damn, Ive lost "myself" these last months, how did I survive that? My mind argues with "I couldnt survive it", but I am somehow still alive and that is an issue in my mind and that destroys me. These patterns make me feel like I am not supposed to be alive although deep inside I do want to live, but how the fuck with this broken self-image? I CANT IMAGINE MYSELF EVEN HAVE KIDS OR WORK because I believe my mind is broken, myself, everything of my person, I am not this body, I am nothing, I am not depersonalized, but somehow brainwashed as fuck. Am I psychotic? What the hell. Pls help me. How will I ever be able to leave this part alone? It feels like it wont go away, ever, because it is kept alive by my mind and I cant destroy my mind or stop it. I am a thinking human being. So I cant heal it as long as I am thinking.
  2. Hey, I'd like to vent a bit. I am 19, probably a bit bipolar, mood swings, depressed, graduated last year. Since November 2017 Ive been struggling to find my way of life and purpose, Ive lived my life in mind, which was terrible. My mind took overhand and still does. Now the current situtation is very very hard for me and causes me suffering. My mum pressures me to find asap a job, the right way for my life etc. Shes taken intense pressure on me and herself, because my brother has already failed pretty much in his life and my mum doesnt want me to end like him. So I can understand her! But things got out of hand (on a mum-son relationship level), she told me: What have I born? And that she is ashamed of her sons because they havent achieved anything yet (19 and 21), shes embarrassed to talk about us in front of her friends, and she is suffering mentally so badly because of it that she told my family what terrible, horrible sons we are. So yesterday I received a massage by my grandma telling me: take your shitty things and piss off and dont destroy the life of my daughter! God have mercy on our daughter who will be terribly ill because of you! And then I listened to a phone call between my mum and grandma, where my mum said: I cant deal with this, living like there are no responsibilites (describing us two), if it hadnt been for my husband, I would have already killed myself. Uff. That was is it. I didnt notice that Ive been such a bad son. I mean, I am suffering mental illness, my friends dont have a job either. But my mum is so totally focused on this career thing and that her sons should go the traditional life path, that shes suffering like hell. Then I told her, Id like to move out with my brother that she could heal from whatever shes suffering from atm. But she doesnt allow to live with him. Because he is apparently such a bad influence. I told her, that it is probably not our fault that she is suffering. She felt hurt and blamed. Turned into a fight. All I know is that she developped unbelivably toxic mind patterns because of the apparent failure of my brother and projects it on me. I really need a secure home at the moment, with support etc. because of my mental problems. But it is all falling apart. I have a job interview soon, work occasionally, but it is not enough. PLEASE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. YOU CANT TALK WITH HER. ITS IMPOSSIBLE. SHES ALREADY SUFFERING PHYSICALLY BECAUSE OF IT. THIS FAMILY SITUATION CAUSED ME TO DEPERSONALIZE LAST YEAR.
  3. If it was that easy. Maybe it is. But my brain just does not function like this.
  4. I probably went through several ego deaths in the last few months, yet the ego came back with vengeance. I dont hate myself, I dont hate my body, I wouldnt do anything to it, but the stories in my mind just wont stop, and they have been going on like this for 6 months now and I wish I would not have the urge to identify with the thoughts. I keep thinking that many people would have already commited suicide if they were in my shoes, although I dont feel so aware of myself. The ego really has a big fear of realizing the truth, I think it is called upper (not so good) and lower (ego realizes it is an illusion) death drive. So, when I first meditated earlier last year and observed my thoughts as the observer, a deep peace settled in, wasnt that ego death? So why doesnt observing work anymore? The last months, I literally went into levels in my mind I thought never exist because it made me feel so damn surreal and I wonder what a normal person feels like without knowing what a (devilish) tool they are lead by. It makes me go crazy having these stories leading my life, but they go so deep and touch my whole existence. Damn maybe I even had an enlightening moment, but I rather feel like there are some broken neurons in my brain. I sometimes wonder if I even have a brain because I feel so crazy.
  5. Ok...I was watching Leos enlightening video...then he said...you dont control your arms and stuff and you dont have free will. And my mind which is still very fragile went into full delusion mode and I again felt like I am destined to commit suicide and that nothing will change that. I tried to explain it with my mind, I tried searching in my mind for who I am and that brought me in this state again. I know I shouldnt have done it, stick to my methods of finally getting on a healthy path, and Ive been I guess, but now I feel traumatized just by my stupid mind and my reaction to the thoughts. I instantly lost all of my connection to my loved ones again. Dont we have free will in a sense of reacting to events and thoughts? I am shaking so bad at the moment. I have an identity issue, I cant identify with a self anymore, for example, I cant imagine the observer oberserving the thoughts anymore, it just doesnt work anymore, and I dont know who I am, why am I a body if I am not it and just awareness observing it? I feel very suicidal at the moment...wait I cant die anyway, can I? All I feel is the person I think I am wants to die. Maybe I went a bit too far this time. I feel like even if I recovered I would never be functioning delusional-free after this experience. Ok I really really need to know how to have a healthily working ego again, it is mentally destroying me.
  6. Wait, CBD oil makes you high? Sure it wasn't placebo? I know how you feel, I didn't want to take pills after my wisdom teeth surgery and after taking them I thought it caused me a panic attack or made my Derealization worse whereas it was the thoughts causing anxiety. Panic attacks are always caused by thoughts.
  7. Sorry for my misinterpretation. I only talked about running.
  8. Why do I feel so utterly crappy and why is my mind soo worn out after just 20 mins of running? The difference between depression and anxiety is, that exercising (running) can completely heal anxiety but I dont really know how to tackle my current issues with exercising (running). Do you think lifting weights could be another option?
  9. I feel like I cant ground myself, it is just an up and down from day to day.
  10. This is year was bad. I looked forward to my life and my goals but then Depersonalisation hit me out of the blue, but I worked hard to get rid of it, but now I cant think myself out of this mess anymore, my face looks tired and my eyes look like I smoke weed 24/7, and I feel not good playing the victim here. I know that there is something called cotard syndrome, which in my case fits very well to my symptoms.
  11. No atm it is liquid drum n bass! Check it out, yearmix 2017 by maduk.
  12. I feel like Meditation doesnt work in my case... Ive tried it for like 3 weeks. But, compared to my anxiety times, no progress at all.
  13. So, I tried to reengage with life, joined a band, went out etc., but I noticed when those feelings are gone, I feel somehow uncertain. Let me explain: My main concern which already transformed into one huge belief is that I think I should've died a few months ago. It is incredibly hard to shake these feelings off. They became a part of me. But whenever I am distracted and away from my triggers and not focusing on this belief, I am relatively fine. But as the time goes on, I notice that I CONSCIOUSLY go in this bad neighbourhood in my head and search for the bad thinking patterns again, because I think they define me in some strange way. The feelings feel like they are part of my personality and like connected to my existence, that is the reason I have so many difficulties letting these damn thoughts go. So it is not like anxiety that you are 100% sure that you want to get over these thoughts, this time they are much more powerful, darker and it feels like I CANT AND DONT WANT TO GET OVER THEM. Everytime these feelings hit, I feel like I shouldnt be experience this very moment anymore. I have an appointment with a therapist on 15th of January. The thought that "what if I had already acted on these thoughts and maybe that would have been the right decision" is a really big concern for me... Anyways, just needed to vent...
  14. So...I did but, now my mom and grandma are raging as hell, telling me to do something productively instead of running from therapist to therapist, why I didnt choose the right place for studying (because I cancelled), and that I am a shame for the family, not giving anything back to my mother, as well as my brother. Well, it started with my brother who pursues his happiness totally differently than what my family has imagained: He occasionally works and travels. Something that doesnt match with the imaginations of my grandma. And now she obviously fears that I will end like him, but if I was healthy, I surely would continue studying. But she's pretty selfish in this way, not believing in mental suffering. Or am I?