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About Nadosa

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    Aspiring Baboon

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  1. Everyone needs to listen to this masterpiece. This band is such a gift during my spiritual journey.
  2. Hey, well, I've been very depressed lately, started studying two weeks after the beginning of the first year, but it all goes in a terrible direction. Primarily, it is because my lazy, fucking depressed brain cant absorb stuff anymore or I just stay in bed and don't go because I keep ruminating everywhere I go, it is literally chasing me. Secondly, the Depression makes studying pointless, I see no point in putting effort in it, I just can't worry normally anymore. Last but not least, I keep telling myself it is too late to keep my head at bay and better drop out, or I just feel like I am not interested at all in what I am doing. The main subjects (maths, informatics) really don't interest me that much, but I was pushed by my parents to find something directly after school. I don't know, I wish I had motivation, maybe I am just not meant to become an industrial engineer? I am way more interested in psychology or languages. I know I have to find something to keep my head off this terrible Depression. But of course, I feel guilty and my parents make me feel guilty. I know I just fuck up my future, but why forcing anything I don't like? The guilt I feel because of this is really intense because my parents expect me to be the best and don't want me to end like my brother (who hasn't got any work). It is a miserable feeling when everybody in my familiy has hope in me and I turn out to be the biggest failure.
  3. Thanks. I guess I experienced a partial ego death. I am not quite there yet, it is painful. I haven't realized yet that I am already complete, I cling very hard to the mind / ego.
  4. Thank you my friend. That seems to be the cure. You're a blessing + Jjer. I have been very terribly addicted to destructive thought patterns and believed they were true. It is unbelievably hard to climb out of the quicksand once you stuck entirely in it.
  5. Thank you so much! First thing I must change, is the whole perspective of this thing. My mind tricked me by telling me that I am not able to ground myself anymore, that leads me to 24/7 uncertainty, feelings of walking on thin ice, like the threshold of feeling safe was transcended. Since that day, I have a strange time perception and everything regarding "time", what currently happens (news for example), triggers my mind and it tells me: "well, you had suicidal thoughts, why are you still here?" After that I get a feeling of what I am doing here anymore and feel like I cant be present, especially that I cant let these thought patterns go. I have a strange belief, that suicidal thoughts HAVE to end in suicide. Can I trick my mind out of it, simply by seeing this whole state differently? Primarily, I accepted that I might be suicidal, so I said I will do everything to get out of this state instead of fearing it.
  6. Not answering your question, I would like to add that I just dont know what happened, I wish I had a rational answer, maybe bad food reaction? I really felt like there was no way not to react to the thoughts, like inescapable, and I even had a long journey with intrusive anxious thoughts before. So this one was from another sort. I literally felt like going into a dark tunnel with no turning back and there was nothing I could do about it.
  7. I will do that, though the weather outside resembles the fight in my mind, it is just ridiculous how much power the mind has over my body. When I tried to meditate the last two weeks I felt so incredibly tired after 5 mins then I didnt even notice that I was dreaming, not meditating. Same with exercising, running, it feels like my mind has the complete control over my body. After 10 mins running my mind just shut down and I felt like I better go to bed now. Any suggestions to be more aware without getting sleepy? I dont want to make it a habit.
  8. I wish I wouldnt have OCD. But I also considered it the one and only cure, dropping it completely. But it is so damn hard because it has to happen as fast as possible.
  9. I can indeed resonate. I was severely dissociated from February to June/July (depersonalized), but I NEVER had suicidal thoughts. That's the reason I am so overwhelmed, because there is actually no reason to be suicidal, it is mostly just a lack of purpose and my mind who suddenly switched. I really dont know what my mind wants to tell me?
  10. Just a question, especially when there are several mind attacks. I always notice myself being confused after such attacks and ask myself if I truly am suicidal, I generally take the minds words for true, like compulsions. I have never dealt with suicidal thoughts before and they hit me out of the blue. I just am confused what I can rely on when the mind says 'no'. These thoughts actually dont make sense at all but I cant stop analyzing what may have caused them to occur. However, I never had specific plans and I know that I actually am not suicidal (or am I?), so for what reason does my mind spit those distressing thoughts at me? When someone is suicidal, is he/she also confused? I never said: Ok now it is time to die and I WANT to die. It was always like I couldnt imagine living with those thoughts but when they werent there I was completely different, yet I have a stronger bound to the thoughts (because thoughts were normal to me), and I regularly have to check them... First I had this crippling fear of the thoughts, now this barrier somehow disappeared and I am lost.
  11. Asked myself the same tbh. Because I am in that exact situation.
  12. Maybe you should try meds to create a basis and a stable ground. When your meds kick in, you can start establishing new healthy habits. I am in the same hopeless place, meds would be my last-way choice out of this hopelessness, but I've already considered it. Just am seriously afraid of the side effects.
  13. You are addicted to suffering (so am I) because you haven't experienced the peaceful bliss of present awareness. Once you practise that, all your suffering will gradually vanish. I myself had one moment of awareness (long time ago) where I could clearly see the illusionary nature of suffering. It is so scary what our minds do to us when being unconscious.
  14. I find it scary that so many people at my age suffer too. Hang in there.
  15. Exactly. Same for me...