Nadosa

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  1. When I was a small kid, my brother used to rule over me and kind of acted and used me out of maybe envy or jealousy. For example, he created an imaginary "club", which was kind of a club for the "cool" kids, but in reality it didn't even exist. He used to tell, if I didn't do this or that for him, I get fired from this club and feel bad. I dont know, this story got me feeling so intimidated and made me feel obligated to react and do the things he wanted, otherwise I would feel bad and he actually used it to force me to do certain things I didn't want to. It kind of switched into OCD, to the point where I feared that something bad could have happened if I didn't follow him. Until this day, I have a big flaw, namely feeling guilty and overthinking little things that could have been "wrong". Especially in relationships. Nowadays, the relation between me and my brother is ok. But I can't show him the love he wants me to show him. He already apologized etc..But he kind of uses his "manipulative" behaviours to supress my voice in some situations and I feel kind of intimidated. Because he has this deep sense of "knowing" how to manipulate me. I mean I can sense it somehow (unconsciously putting him on a pedestal) and it makes me wanna not meet him. He doesnt understand. He loves me and tells me I am his favourite person. I can sense a deep regret too. But I can't shake off my bias here. I can't let go easily. He expects me to let it go now and that I make a big thing out of it. He's demonstrated very often in the past months that he still tends to manipulate me, making me feel bad for things...And I wish I could meet him with the same love. But I just...can't. And it annoys me too. But I just prefer being without him. Is it okay or am I acting irresponsible going away from him?
  2. Yes I am happy and people feel my vibe too. But 4 months ago I let my life happen and be directed by other people's opinions rather than mine. So that was when it started to change. Listening to me instead of others. Still, I tend to look for other opinions about things I am insecure about (e.g. my Relationship) and treat them as if they were 100% true even though they dont know the situation as good as I do..I still take them too seriously. And they trigger old feelings in me. Feelings I projected onto my gf for example before I started changing habits. I am still very conditioned to let my life lead by other people's opinions. I want to have my own personal opinion and freedom. I dont want to invest happiness in objects anymore. Nor in persons (maybe that is kind of an protect-mechanism to not get hurt?). Yes, I still have times where I feel insecure and confused. Because I feel like growing up means to build your own game as you wish whilst having the choice and responsibility for the structure and design of it.
  3. Hm, surely my gf has her flaws due to her age and insecurities. But it is surely not (always) her, but my reaction to her and other people's opinions about her (related to my rumination and self-esteem). No I am not where I want to be yet. I know that and I am totally aware that I have yet a way ahead of me. Psychologically, as well as related to my physics. But I work hard for that at the moment. Well, the relationship started sloppy (it is my first one) and I put on a mask, hence there were many fights and I felt like I was faking everything. Then we had a turning point. It began when I started to be very honest about everything and when I first started to act FROM my happiness and not searching it through the relationship. The dynamic changed from a co-dependency to a more free, lighter, and loving one. Yet, old patterns still come up and tend to trigger also old habits in HER. After all, we are young, and I am also aware that she wants to study elsewhere and I might be going away too. And I dont know what happens after that. There are a few things for sure, but that is my cup of tea how to deal with them.
  4. Sometimes just when somebody says little things, I tend to judge myself about judging myself. Meaning for example, if I do something wrong (in my opinion) or just recently when someone said "how come that you have such a beautiful girlfriend", I tend to judge myself "why does he or she say that?" but in the same time judging myself for even asking myself such questions and then I also tend to compare myself, which I can let go of but it feels very painful in the first place having such feelings. And I am totally aware of it and it is my biggest flaw at the moment (apart from these existential nature etc. beliefs etc). Letting go of such issues just empowers me so much and I feel like the most confident and loving guy ever, though, when they arise, they can really really bother me and keeping me contemplating, recalling memories, ruminating about why they would say that etc..like an endless spiral.
  5. For example general existential anxiety about "myself", who I am, what I am made of, basically creates a steady spiral in my mind which tends to build up emotions of anxiety in me. As well as self-esteem and self-confidence issues. I try to contemplate and set them free. But sometimes, when I feel like my mind slows down, I tend to look up for these patterns and anxiety again just to ensure myself that this part of my identity isn't gone. When I rest in my true nature, I feel like it is ok but not like my full body-mind is integrated in that. Maybe it is a survival thing?
  6. Sometimes, when I realize some bad patterns and stop resisting them, I set them free - but then at night, I lay in bed, I feel like "mh it is pretty quite up there" and then a feeling of anxiety rushes through my body and simultaneously my mind says "it shouldn't be that way". It is very hard to observe this because it is what made up my person for so long. Noise was my all-day-comapgnon. I still don't know what to do with these backlashes of patterns that are deep buried in my unconscious and feel like they "make up" my "person". I feel way more attached to them, hence dealing with them is way harder.
  7. It felt like I couldnt really distinguish between reality and dream. I did not know if I was actually dreaming or really doing stuff. It felt like I wasnt really asleep either but rather detached. Sometimes it happens when I fall asleep with a bad mindset and my mind cant find any rest. Then my body somehow falls asleep but my mind is still running which is kinda scary. Well it kinda freaked me out after I woke up because I didn't know if I was actually doing something or just dreaming. Sometimes I tend to wake up and instinctly do something. It is hard to explain.
  8. So what teachers are actually able to help one to heal in your opinion? Any suggestions?
  9. Hm well, it kind of resonates in a sense of being already this open, allowing space, just not realizing it and layers of objective experience obscuring it and as he always states, "that you don't exist". I think Fred is a good teacher to get started with but he completely bypasses the Integration and dealing with all the repressed stuff. You can't simply say or realize "I dont exist" and expect your baggage to be resolved, cleaned and healed.
  10. So I found this and I kinda resonate with it. What do you guys think?
  11. Isnt it strange. It just feels like a trauma. Because I cant say whether these thoughts and feelings are true or not. But it isn't particularly thoughts either. It is just an explanation about my feelings. It actually makes me feel as if my feelings tell me to hold on to habits and not to let go. Letting go of a strong Ego always leads to sudden insanity for me.
  12. I would not say thoughts. It is a deep buried habit accompanied with massive anxiety and delusion that I entertained lots of years, based on my person. I switched between habits like 10 times a day. Basically take the thought "I". 3 years ago I dwelled about "I", it just popped up randomly from the back of my mind (shorty after recovering from DPDR) and it felt as if there was no other way but to let "I" go. It felt like "a no return state". A no return to "normal". It felt like if I let go of that "habit", this person, I'd let go of "myself" and "die", thus I keep reidentifying with this habit, keep checking in. And it gives me the same feeling and story: "There is no I". Further story goes on in my head: "WHO is it then sitting here, if I am not here?" "This all makes no sense that I am here". The letting go of "dwelling" about "I" and my "person" ITSELF feels like "death". This is basically what I feel.
  13. Uff, Nahm, I just meditated, and thoughts got triggered. Thoughts about my "identity-loss" and seeing-through about 3 years ago and I instantly felt like if I identify with them I might go crazy. But I did and my body instanty started zapping and shaking, as if it made no sense that I am here. Then of course I asked myself why do I have such delusions which brought on more anxiety. I mean I CANNOT DENY NOT HAVING THESE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. I can recall them exactly as they were three years ago. How are they not part of me? Why shouldn't they be true? If they weren't true why do they still come and when I identify with them, they make me feel so "dead" about "my person"? Something happened 3 years ago and I am broken inside because I cant make internal peace with it. Something still lives on but it doesn't make sense for some part of my mind. It feels like I can only live without mind. I cannot logically pinpoint what I am or what is here. I AM DEAD. I DONT FEEL LIKE A PERSON. It is terrifying. All I know is, that it is irreversible. Two minutes of this story and my body feels sick to the bone. That's insane. And I cant stop but checking in about this because it all feels so "valid", "true". Maybe I have to suffer this life. Maybe that is my fate. Because I dont know how to deal. I live, but these mind attacks bring me to my knees, so bitterly the deeper I dive into them. I cant pinpoint why. But they feel like they are PART of my identity. The Truth is, I've been carrying this story with me for the last couple of years. I cant let it go. But it keeps me from forming a new "personality", because it leaves me caged and with a low-self esteem. Because there is no self. Even if I write it on a piece of paper "I am here and did not die 3 years ago", it is hard to believe that phrase without feeling strange.
  14. Currently I am going through a pretty harsh awakening accompanied by lots of resistance.
  15. I am currently about to become a male nurse (still in apprenticeship and I've got the opportunity to explore many different clinical areas) and currently work in the throat, nose and ear surgery. Due to Corona, surgeries have been reduced drastically, so the work. As a student, I am not a full time worker and I really appreciate not working during the weekend at the moment. But today the chef came up to me "sooo as you seem to be very bored and my friends at the infect infirmary are really busy right now, I offer you the following" and let me choose: either helping those out who really need help or staying and chilling. I am torn. Really. Because I might get infected very easily, all my current social contacts will be shut down even more. My girlfriend cried as we havent seen us at all the last months/weeks and now as the wave passes through Germany, she is even more afraid. On the other hand, I cant stand chilling if there is work to be done. Uff. Maybe a little advice here would be helpful