Nadosa

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About Nadosa

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  1. Sure chicks love it when you imitate porn moves and acts🤦‍♂️ Alright. Fortunately that's bullshit.
  2. My therapist often tries finding ways through finding the right job or a girlfriend etc.. I dont know if it is distorted. It just is as it is. Maybe it is just a worthwile break from suffering? I actually try to face the pain whenever I have the time. As soon as I take suffering and pain personally, it is quite overwhelming . As soon as I take it impersonally, it vanishes.
  3. Hm, I dont really feel numb though. Oftentimes it is really kind of letting go of the suffering for a moment, but you have the underlying feeling that it isn't resolved. So what to do? I dont really see any help in therapy which is based on desires etc. So I use spirituality. I dont feel numb, but enjoy the presence.
  4. Yeah, I was just troubled by the term "losing" your mind. You can't lose your mind
  5. Lose my mind? How can I lose my mind? Thanks for your words :-)
  6. Last days, I have been experiencing, especially in social interactions, this "I dont care" mindset, meaning my conversations were just flowing like water, no thoughts, just being, people noticed (thought I was drunk or high), because actually Ive been very depressed and known to be an introvert, but awakening causes me to depersonalize from struggle and just be. It is like I can transform from one moment to another into a self-confident person and it attracts LOTS of people, especially girls. Sometimes I feel so strange, because I realized this very strong impermanence of my form. Thinking and judging about it makes me kind of depressed. On the other hand, struggles are still real, I dont really know how to integrate awakening into my life as "form", relationships as "I" dont make sense when I think about it and there are times where I suddenly feel very hopeless. Especially when I leave out a meditation session and triggers go off unconsciously.
  7. I want to feel Love and trust for my body again. I feel like I cant trust anything (probably due to first awakening experiences). Focusing in the body and on the breath makes the mind active as soon as I start. Now that I know how little control I have, I have to know how regain a sense of control over my body back. It feels like I am not even this body at times. It is an estranger I pretend to be connected to, no connection, awful body mind flow. The cause is the story which has plagued me forever now and disrupted the trust and connection to my body, whenever I focus on the body, questions and assumptions come up how it is still here (again maybe due to awakening, people confirm having felt the same), that it is nothing to trust, and I just cant somehow let those mind stories go and refocus - it feels uncomortable to have this questions in the first place. No one should have them and those thoughts clearly show that there is energy stuck imo. I just dont have this secure anchor which makes it very difficult at times.
  8. Well, not just mind loops, but an false-story based identity made up by the mind aka the Ego.
  9. Ive just had another moment of awareness, putting things into perspective. It feels like in daily life I am caught up in an pseudo-awakened alter ego and totally clouded, totally filled with concepts and beliefs, so clouded that it makes me depressed. An ego with stories around awakening, feelings and experiences that are clearly mind filtered. That is the default state of my mind. I begin doubting, feeling like I just pretend things happened a certain way when they actually were just mind-distorted so I could put them into words. I look at this self and it is so far away from reality. It makes me absurdly sad, very very sad looking how deep I fell. And yet I am still unconsciously always caught up in it. Pls take me out of it, this realization is very heartbreaking somehow. I have already had such realization where I cried because I realized how unconsciously deep I fell without even noticing it driving me to the point of thinking about suicide. This poor soul just didnt know it better because it got dragged away in the mind's stream of stories. That is probably the reason I have no clear sense of self - it is so clouded and manipulated by the mind.
  10. So today I started the fight (meaning surrendering) against my full-ass-grown Ego. It was so damn difficult to even jog 1km as my Ego started being irritated. Soon after I experienced a fear of losing specific depressing/suicidal identity patterns. Once I identified with occuring patterns, I didnt want to continue, but deep inside I think I do. But how do I overcome this? I just cant have a clear sense of "yes I want to get better", it is either that I dont have a perspective that I can grow out of these patterns or just a feeling that I dont want to get better or it is impossible to let these stories behind.
  11. Thanks. It is gonna be a hard journey. This all is even a proof that I am not my brain. I am just presence. So it seems like a part is awakened another part is still in denial.
  12. Of course, the ego is still there! You just somehow know it is not you. So I disagree...
  13. I know I have huge potential, I am good looking, not stupid, but I feel like I am stuck in a state between living and dying, except that I feel like I have already died.
  14. I am pretty sure 11 months ago my mind's default mode changed. When I dont suffer, I decribe feelings and states of an awakened being. It is strange because I was not interested in awakening it all - it just happened and I clearly know that there is no way back. After my awakening, I was kinda clueless what to do about the suffering associated with it - the Ego fought back with creating an identity around the subject "life was pointless". Taking things personal does not make sense to me anymore. That is probably the reason that everything I tried in order to control the process, like exercising, meditation felt useless. It made no sense to "get better". Anyways, for 11 months now, I have been feeling like I hit the lowest points of mental suffering a human being can ever experience. Everytime I got up and felt better, I felt like I was reborn. What suffers because of those "death and rebirths" is my person(a). My mind comes up with questions why I am still here, why this body is here and didn't die, who is talking at the moment, I just can't make sense out of how I am still here - that's especially the case when it is about my past, like talking in a job interview, doc, therapist - I struggle to have a healthy persona. I post this because...I admit...it is self-soothing. Is this due to lack of mindful practise?
  15. I do not know if I experienced ego death. But taking things personal does not make sense to me anymore, still I take them seriously. Today I went to my doc and was confronted with a huge pile of triggers. The first triggering was seeing my reflection walking from the glass - while inside my mind, the ego, identity I was able to be taken away to another dimension by thoughts and rising and lowering of consciousness, feeling like I experienced a thousand deaths and rebirths (seriously feels like that, I cant make sense out of that I am still being here) - I still dont get how the body is there, like nothing happens, I feel like since my Ego and feelings come from the body, the body is Ego too. Then my doc asked me how I felt the last months - I was triggered instantly and felt like I seriously dont know "who" and "what" is sitting right in front of my doc talking to her. I seriously slowly start to lose hope if I will ever be able to have a healthy persona. My persona is very badly influenced by all that. It is a serious stepback after my first success with meditation.