Nadosa

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  1. So today I started the fight (meaning surrendering) against my full-ass-grown Ego. It was so damn difficult to even jog 1km as my Ego started being irritated. Soon after I experienced a fear of losing specific depressing/suicidal identity patterns. Once I identified with occuring patterns, I didnt want to continue, but deep inside I think I do. But how do I overcome this? I just cant have a clear sense of "yes I want to get better", it is either that I dont have a perspective that I can grow out of these patterns or just a feeling that I dont want to get better or it is impossible to let these stories behind.
  2. Thanks. It is gonna be a hard journey. This all is even a proof that I am not my brain. I am just presence. So it seems like a part is awakened another part is still in denial.
  3. Of course, the ego is still there! You just somehow know it is not you. So I disagree...
  4. I know I have huge potential, I am good looking, not stupid, but I feel like I am stuck in a state between living and dying, except that I feel like I have already died.
  5. I am pretty sure 11 months ago my mind's default mode changed. When I dont suffer, I decribe feelings and states of an awakened being. It is strange because I was not interested in awakening it all - it just happened and I clearly know that there is no way back. After my awakening, I was kinda clueless what to do about the suffering associated with it - the Ego fought back with creating an identity around the subject "life was pointless". Taking things personal does not make sense to me anymore. That is probably the reason that everything I tried in order to control the process, like exercising, meditation felt useless. It made no sense to "get better". Anyways, for 11 months now, I have been feeling like I hit the lowest points of mental suffering a human being can ever experience. Everytime I got up and felt better, I felt like I was reborn. What suffers because of those "death and rebirths" is my person(a). My mind comes up with questions why I am still here, why this body is here and didn't die, who is talking at the moment, I just can't make sense out of how I am still here - that's especially the case when it is about my past, like talking in a job interview, doc, therapist - I struggle to have a healthy persona. I post this because...I admit...it is self-soothing. Is this due to lack of mindful practise?
  6. I do not know if I experienced ego death. But taking things personal does not make sense to me anymore, still I take them seriously. Today I went to my doc and was confronted with a huge pile of triggers. The first triggering was seeing my reflection walking from the glass - while inside my mind, the ego, identity I was able to be taken away to another dimension by thoughts and rising and lowering of consciousness, feeling like I experienced a thousand deaths and rebirths (seriously feels like that, I cant make sense out of that I am still being here) - I still dont get how the body is there, like nothing happens, I feel like since my Ego and feelings come from the body, the body is Ego too. Then my doc asked me how I felt the last months - I was triggered instantly and felt like I seriously dont know "who" and "what" is sitting right in front of my doc talking to her. I seriously slowly start to lose hope if I will ever be able to have a healthy persona. My persona is very badly influenced by all that. It is a serious stepback after my first success with meditation.
  7. Typical sign of awakening - time is an illusion, so it doesnt make sense to you anymore.
  8. I am my body but I am also not it, the awareness in which my body appears, how is this delusional?
  9. What happened to your answers? @Nahm
  10. Submind is a word/definition I learned from my buddhist teacher. "Your mind is really lots of little parts, call them subminds, each of which has its own goals and agendas. Your conscious experience is those parts of your mind bringing their various goals and agendas to your attention, where a decision-making process happens. Everyone's mind is like this—the idea of the mind being unified is an aspect of the illusion of self. Whatever coalition of subminds is active at any moment is as strong as you are, because it is arising as "you" in that moment. It's really not just two subminds—it's more like two intersecting societies of mind that share different views." Last part is talking about me. Yes, it is really that my Ego doesn't want to do some persistent meditation practise, it has fear to dissolve.
  11. But, literally, in every situation I try to heal myself, such as running myself tired, this submind with those tremendously irritable thoughts about my person, always gets in the way, totally blocks out my healing energies while exercising and thus makes me a lazy person. This is why I feel like I have to go straight down the way of internal death - there is no healthy "me" left to heal, it always conquers with the reason that I cant and dont want to live anymore, that I literally must take "my person" to an end. It is not just thoughts - but a whole differently worldviewing submind that takes over and I am heavily "in love" with. I wish I could tell you and express it better...it is a horrible mental experience...and it feels like if I want to heal that I have to sacrifice "me" for it. It is just that and it was the only logical outcome since that issue started. Look at my first thread if you are interested...
  12. Controlling, hoping, seeing ways out of psychological suffering, looking in the future...all that is literally gone since I have experienced a sudden Ego-death, or let's call it "psychological death". I dont even know what I am if I dont have control over my mental states. I am in a terrible state of mind because of that somehow.
  13. I can really understand this "addiction-like" feeling for these thoughts. But well, I haven't find any solution for this yet, so I am sorry. No matter how hard I try to refocus, this feeling, this urge of going back into these thought-stories is equally strong as the peace felt in awareness for me. What I mean is that I am torn. Unfortunately.
  14. I dont know why I am here. Everything connected to a purpose is attached to a form of identity. It is impossible for me at the moment.