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How do you know that he wasn't talking about his state of being drunk? If someone is so drunk that he is falling to the floor and almost passing out he could be referring to his state when saying "why don't you let me die?" and not suicide later on.

@Toby COMPLETELY disagree with this advice. Any time anyone says anything about suicide it should be taken 100% serious, no matter the conditions. The conditions don't matter. Plenty of times throughout history I imagine that people have said suicidal stuff when drunk and then committed suicide later.

http://ruckasworld.com/ He attempted to suicide but he got help from a contact, people that help with these kind of cases (Listed on his website.) and now he makes amazing video parodies, he's happy and does what he loves to do. I think you father needs to change his aspect of life, he needs to spend his time with his family and gather peace in mind. You should definitely call your mother and sister, don't deal with this alone because you just might regret not calling them. He needs his family right now.

Sigh. Not a good day today. Anyone here I can PM? Or even just talk on this thread? Sorry, but I'm getting more depressed as the minutes pass. Being down is turning into sadness. Sadness is turning to depression. And from where it's heading, it seems like it's going to turn to despair. I'm even growing some thoughts of suicide but don't worry, I'm not taking that seriously. And I won't in the future. Probably. I would go talk to my usual listeners. But no one I know would really get the context of this situation. I explained it in my journal that I've recently made.

To be honest, I have always been an outcast. I have never think like everybody, I was always with myself because others rejected me or because I was tired of their type of discussion, their interests and their mentality. But I forced myself to be like them for a long time. I repressed my creativity and my interests into others futile things. It is only since a few years that I realized that. But I think it is too late. How can a 27 years old boy with no diploma can do if he wants to solve a difficult logical math problem? I am not ready, and I never will. I should have started doing it a long time ago, when I was young, when my mind was more plastic, more efficient, less polluted my drugs, porn and society. I wanted to end my life 3 times: one time when I was 5 or 6, one when I was 9 or 10 and one when I was 18 or 19. I'm sorry I did not act, i'm sorry I did not cut those veins or tied this rope. I should have done that before. If I had know what was waiting for me then I should have committed suicide long time ago. Next time I will not miss the target, I will not fail, not this time. The only thing that must not be failed is this.

I had trouble in meditation for the past weeks. I am struggling to complete the full hour of meditation. I am so agitated, I feel so much pain. But I can't observe it, I can't embrace it. I am less and less able to embrace my pain. Less and less able to be in mindfulness in my every day life. I feel that the darkness is slowly enveloping me. My demons of the past doesn't want to let me go. I am condemned to do the same error again and again. It has been 4 years since I wanted to change radically my life and being able to study and innovate in mathematical logic. The only changes that I see at the moment are that I failed and failed at college, and I have simply multiply "good" habits that doesn't give me any progress and any reliefs. In contrary, I feel like on edge constantly. On the edge of suicide, on the edge of total failure, on the edge of giving up once and for all. And I waste my time doing that shit of personal development because I'm not able to do logical maths. I want to change but my mind and body doesn't allow it. And the porn relapses weakens me each time a little more. How many time will I keep going like that? Few years, maybe 3 or 4 but not more. Life is meant to thrive, not to survive. And I am sick to survive. If people tell me that life is surviving then I will respond to them by suicide.

There has always been a nagging question in the back of my mind when listening to Leo talk about enlightenment. If it is the death of the self/ ego, then would suicide bring about enlightenment/ experiencing absolute infinity?

Currently I am in the trenches of life and I am forced to give effort in things I am not good at in order to learn and evolve. Who is suffering that? You would, and I would say no-one, but the reality of the situation is that I am here getting punched left and right, required to make decisions and choices between accepting and escaping my reality if I have to be honest. I'm talking about the human being that is typing those words, not awareness. Turns out I am not really awareness! It has been a sham. I am actually a human being that has to deal with issues, but I'm so far the rabbit hole that I can't, so the only thing on the horizon is death. There is no way out. I better be awareness, because suicide looks like a better option day by day. It's a struggle, this life requires endless struggle and effort, unless you have the faculties needed to survive ( good DNA). There's nothing else. A damned lottery. Who is required to give an effort? The answer of that question leads nowhere. I accept my inability to give effort, furthermore my inability to find the one that is supposed to give effort. However at the same time as I accept effort can't be made at this time, at the same time I can see that this is just an attempt to escape from responsibility and effort. Why is escaping from a prison that tortures you worse than accepting a prison that tortures you in your opinion? This post may look like a bunch of ramblings, but that's because of my current state of consciousness, which is probably what Leo describes as severe Ego backlash.

of course there is nothing bad about death..there's only infinite love and light beyond the illusion of the ego. but there's value in reaching enlightenment while still being focused in this physical reality. so in that sense suicide would not bring the experience of being enlightened while being incarnated on earth

Hey Leo! I noticed you mentioned shamanism in a recent episode, as something you should "maybe do an episode on." You referenced Carlos Castaneda. Before you go down that path, I have a couple of suggestions. Apologies in advance if any of this sounds patronizing. It's not intended. Shamanism, as you know, is a huge topic. Seeing as you're turning this website into a kind of Sage University, I suggest you consider that shamanism is something you're going to come back to again and again. It's intertwined with spirituality, though in someways distinct. Terence McKenna was ultimately more drawn to a shamanic style of interpretation with entheogens than a spiritual path with meditation and gurus. Myself, I'm studying both and have written a forthcoming book from Apocryphile Press (San Francisco) on my experiences with Amazonian plant shamanism (particularly ayahuasca) although I've more recently embraced meditation and Kriya yoga, while continuing to work with entheogens such as toad sacrament, huachuma (San Pedro cactus) etc. (I recommend the latter to you.) Anyway, my point is that I support your idea of covering shamanism on Actualized.org but suggest you think of it as an ongoing major theme and not something to cover in one or two episodes (although an "Introduction to Shamanism" episode would be a great idea). In that regard, please invest in further learning about and sharing the work of real shamans and real students of shamanism, and not Carlos Castaneda. Of course you can refer to Castaneda, who wrote beautiful fiction and whose work contains wonderful moral and other teachings. But I suggest there are better sources. You can find a BBC documentary on YouTube that examines Castaneda "the man" as opposed to the myth. His books were based on his own imagination and not any real scholarship or understanding of the indigenous people whose culture he claimed to represent. The BBC program presents him as a fraud and leader of a cult that included somewhat zombified blonde interchangeable acolytes some of whom committed suicide in the desert after his death. You can draw your own conclusions about Castaneda of course. Maybe the BBC documentary is itself a piece of agitprop although it didn't strike me as such. In any case, i commend to you the writings of a real American shaman -- Bradford Keeney -- and especially his books about the bushmen of the Kalahari (e.g., Way of the Bushman) into whose secret and sacred methods of ecstatic dance, healing and N/om energy he was initiated years ago. That is only one of many authentic and existent shamanic or medicine holding traditions, of course, including the First Nations modalities, and the aforementioned Amazonian plant shamanism. There are many other wonderful writers and experts on shamanism. I have immensely enjoyed your shift in direction over the past year or so, and am myself walking a parallel path to yours, of the sage. I have worked with some of the same entheogens as yourself, and plan to try AL-LAD because of your video on that. One more thing, and sorry for being picky, but I shudder every time you use the word "trip" in regard to your experiments with different entheogens. In the psychedelic/shamanic culture some of us are making a deliberate effort to cultivate new language around these profound (and in some cases ancient) tools. Words like "trip" and "drug" are holdovers from the 1960s culture and bring to mind the excesses with LSD and so on. While it's a bit of a stretch to refer to substances such as AL-LAD as "medicines" my preferred word is "sacrament" and I refer to my experiences as "journeys" rather than "trips." (You can file this point under analism of editors.) I invite you to help us re-tool the language of altered states with similar innovations. You're doing great work Leo! I'm not one to be easily impressed, yet I'm devouring your recent videos and sharing them widely. Your interview with Martin Ball was superb, by the way, and I suggest you do more of those. Brad Keeney would be a good guest in that regard, for shamanism. (Note that he doesn't use entheogens.) I will recommend a few books and sources in another post. I've stumbled on some real gems in the past three or four years that you'd enjoy. I'll just mention one here, which is The Psychedelic Gospels,co-authored by Dr. Jerry B. Brown (not the California governor!) who was interviewed about his book by my friend Dan Cleland on an excellent episode of the Dan Cleland Experience Podcast (DCEP). That book makes a slam dunk argument that Christianity and Paganism co-existed more or less harmoniously up until the time of the Inquisition, and that therefore the use of Amanita Muscaria and Psilocybin mushrooms was widespread among church elders. Because Brown is a mycologist (among other things) he was able to detect overlooked depictions of both mushroom strains throughout the paintings and stained glass art and iconography of the church throughout Europe. Brown has kicked open the door on what could be a whole new field of understanding Judeo-Christian mysticism. And I won't even get into the acacia species whose DMT-rich bark is found throughout the Middle East, with one example being the Acacia Nilotica that, interestingly, was depicted by the Egyptians as the Tree of Life in wall paintings.

I have been getting similar feelings about suicide lately too. It isn't entirely new to me however; I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for years. Sometimes I think I'll drive myself to insanity with my spiritual practice and the only way out is suicide. Luckily, that thought is baloney The more I inquire the more I realize that there isn't even a me that needs to die. I'm already dead! Just because there is content and sensory perceptions doesn't mean that there is a self at the center of it. They are simply just there. I can't know for sure, but if "I" were to die, then I would still be who I am, minus somethingness. So basically, you're already dead, so what's the point in suicide?

@Dan Arnautu Many depressive drunks, at times, talk in a depressive way. I used to be one. My motto at the time was "poor me, poor me, pour me a drink". I used it as justification for getting drunk. After all he did admit to this by saying " I would at least mention to him that he is still okay (a loving and supporting father when he is off the drink), well I don't know him, but from what you say it points to that. If you get a chance to talk with him in a non threatening way, find out if he actually has a 'plan' for committing suicide. If so, I would be very concerned. In Australia, and in my ex-profession as a counsellor, if a client had a definite plan, it would be my duty to tell the client that I have to call the mental health team and get them to have a chat with that person. Surprisingly, nearly every one of my clients, probably for the first time, realized that what they were planning to do was very serious. They became willing to be consulted by the team. The team are specialists in helping people to circumvent their suicidal tendencies. Also, if your father has already attempted suicide in the past, then that is also a major concern, because he will have less fear of dying. If you are having difficulty dealing with this, I would advise talking with a mental health team, or those trained for attempted suicide, to get help for both you and your father.

Hello Journal! Things have been chaotic lately! Awareness has been a bit fuzzy, I am not sure if that is because I have a lot going on or if has something to do with the solar flare that hit earth 3 days ago. I have a side hobby that involves studying the solar wind, earths magnetoshpere, and when earth goes into geomagnetic storm the effects on people around me. I have been focusing a lot since the geomagnetic storm which has caused me to neglect my awareness a bit. As far as the effects of the geomagnetic storm. Things I noticed I will put below for tracking: Linclon Park band member committed suicide right after geomagnetic storm started- Emotional disturbance is heightened during magnetic storms. Anxiety and depression in particular are heightened. My whole works network shut down for about 2 hours- Computer software issues are common during geomagnetic storms. Thunder storms have become extremely electric since the solar flare hit. I live in the lightning capital of the country USA, and the lightning has been insane. People seem very emotional- I talk to people all day long while working and every day I have had people crying and claiming mental illness since the flare hit. People I know have advised they feel excessively emotional and irritated the last few days. As far as my awareness goes I feel It has been a little fuzzy. I have been extremely focused on other things at this time. I am going to regroup and start fresh this weekend. This weekend I will be trying to keep my awareness constantly. I will also be meditating more to recenter myself since things have been hazy.

The trip I will write about is my first and only Magic Mushroom (Psilocybe Cubensis) experience so far. It happened more than 10 months ago and I slowly feel like I'm done processing what I experienced. What I did was utterly arrogant and stupid and I hope other people can learn from it as well. I took a 4,5-5g(dried) dose without having ever experienced psychedelics of any kind previously and I was alone. I was under the silly impression that because I have an easy time accessing the mindfulness state and had some spiritual insights that therefore dealing with these mushrooms would be easy. Boy was I wrong... It all already started 5 min after I ingested the mushrooms (eating the dry flesh) with me getting stomach ache and my breath feeling "weird". Those feelings continued to become more intense for me and about 10minutes in my body began to feel heavy. In restropect- I have practised to watch my breath without manipulating it way too little until this trip and the come-up made me very self-conscious about all my usually automatic body activities. At this point in time I was not able to focus on my breath without manipulating it and because of that I progressively felt more uncomfortable in my body, especially with the shrooms' body load. About 20 minutes in things started to get weird and it dawned on my that I took way too much because it would obviously become a lot stronger. My thoughts felt very agonizing to me. In retrospect I realized that I just experienced my usual thought patterns and "algorithms" but it felt so artificial and I felt disconnected from it. Also just sitting in front of my Computer felt very uncomfortable so I went back and forth between my bed and Computer without being able to find rest. About 40 minutes in I felt alive for the first time. Every sense felt clear and sharp and things smelled as though I smelled them for the first time ( the smell of fresh bread was orgasmic). Then suddenly it all made sense (in an intellectual way). I concluded in different ways (of which I non remember) that all of me and what I think of me and other people is just a story. This realization made me laugh hysterically. At that moment my laughing sounded to my spectator self like a shouting monkey and I started to completly emerge in the role of a monkey. I rolled on the floor and laughed hysterically while ripping apart a paper towel roll. After an unknown amount of time I realized that I could not be a monkey forever because I was exhausted as fuck. As I laid on the floor and catched my breath I looked into the wall and got sucked into one point deeper and deeper(I stopped breathing while I was sucked into it). I had this amazing insight that even if this body dies, there is still something.. the kind of awarness that there is when I am mindful. And It felt like I had a direct experience of exactly this. After an unknown amount of time it felt like I was just at the moment at which I would lose consciousness if I didn't breath again so I gasped for air. For a moment it felt like "I am here" again but before I could realize it I was sucked into another point and the same thing repeated. This happened some more times but after the second time I got to my bed. While I was sucked into the point I had a very hard to describe moving Kaleidoscope effect with many colors. At some time I got into a loop of me standing up from my bed, going a circle in my room and laying down again. I did this multiple times and it felt to me like I can't stop this. The fear that I would continue this for the remainder of the trip let me to the realization that time is absolute fiction. But out of delusion I thought time stopped and I am stuck in time forever. This made me think my only way to escape was suicide but I could quickly disregard this idea again. When I calmed down I stood up from my bed and when I stood there I became "one with my entire room". Though this sensation is way more complex than this cliché statement makes it sound. My sense of awarness was no longer bound to this body, it was free to whatever was inside my field of awarness. I was as much the body as I was everything in my room. I also had an amazing insight on how I project my inner world onto others. All in all I can now say that I look back very positive on this experience but for the first 1 or 2 months after the trip I got breathing problems and anxiety whenever I thought about it. It was a very difficult and intense experience that required a lot of processing but It gave me many precious insights.

This all sounds very enlightening and is a great way of seeing things to accept reality for what it is. However, the reason we're all here, I hope, is to improve the quality of our lives, and when you present this view, many people might interpret it as acceptance for their laziness and complacency which will lead do much suffering, emptiness and even suicide, because well like you mentioned - it's all good and part of universe. This is why I'd be careful posting replies like this for the question of life purpose where it can be easily misinterpreted.

@Gabriel Antonio My Ego has been suicidal for some part of my life. What I mean is whenever things go against what I like in a hardcore way, I always say. Enough! Take me! Why am I eve alive!! Do you think this kind of Ego structure would be easier or harder to bring dissolutionment to? I feel like when you say existential terror, I wanna go like : I have non-existential terror : Fear of existing I mean I want to die, I just don't want the pain cause im obvs pussy. Also I have proven to myself even without direct experience that I cannot not be, so I feel like if i suicide, im entering a russian roulette with rules I dont yet understand. (My next life could be better or worse) Thats why I want enlightenment and no next life. I just wanna chill around in space as space or something like that :-D

I feel this urge to shoot myself, to destroy myself, to eliminate myself from the surface of the earth. I don't see the ending of this. It's been this an early age that I wanted to die. I think it is a pattern in life. Suicide has always be a part of my being, of my thinking. My parents doesn't want to deal with it and ignore it most of the time. I am so tired of this world, so tired of people, so tired of this cosmos and of humanity. Keeping doing the same mistakes over and over again. And I think I'm doing the same things over and over again, it is contagious. This society contaminates me. Contaminates my purposes, my goals, my aspirations, all...

I remember, when I was like 6 or 7 I wanted to suicide myself. I still have until today this scene in my mind: when my professor humiliated me in front of the class when I was like 5 or less. I always was at the corner of the class, in my head, dreaming about a lot of things, about machines and snowflakes (i liked their symetry). I liked to draw them and to draw symmetrical patterns. But my professor wasn't pleased of my drawings. And every time I said a wrong answer, everytime I behaved not like she wanted she forced me be in front of all the class and shout to the class: LOOK WHO IS STUPID AND DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER: F.!!!!!!!! AGAIN!!! And everyone laugh at me. It didn't happened one time, but 3, 4, 5, 6, every time I did something wrong. When I was full of this horrible show, I puked into the toilets and my mother picked me up from school and transfered me to another class. But the evil was done.

It is also about loving yourself. From a oneness perspective there is no distinction between people, so there is no longer a reason to be a dick and to put yourself ahead of others. On the other hand, there is also no reason to put yourself behind other people. If you can see objectively in life situations, what has to happen, you can make it happen without swinging to one or the other extreme. IF something is right, you can fight for it. If it is just a neurotic tendency to always be right, you can let it go. When you are right about something, or deserve something, you can make people listen to you one way or another. However, you are right in a way. Sociopaths do often have more success. This is because they work to destroy people's reputation, resort to backstabbing, and lie or oversell their own value. They come across very certain, arrogant to us who can see, and can always bullshit their way out of difficult situations. Sadly, many people are blind to this, or misunderstand such sociopaths, and because of this they do climb the corporate ladder faster. They also have zero fear or doubt about their imagined value, and this gives them great confidence in everything they say. Confidence is attractive to people, even if it is not earned. You could say people can not easily sense if confidence is earned, and tend to trust the skills of confident people often. (If he is that sure, he must be good at it) One thing i noticed, is such people will often get people to follow them even. And because they are so pushy and aggressive, passive people tend to do their best to be on the aggressive people's good side. They do this unconsciously, but looking at it objectively, it does remove you from the persons cross-hairs (less backstabbing is a plus, if it's your back). Perhaps this is the easiest way to deal with it. In a situation where a lot of passive people are surrounding a sociopath, going against him might even prove to be career-suicide. Since the only person who will dare to disagree, will be you, and people will side with him, since you cannot give them anything(safety) in return. Reality sometimes sucks, and life is not always fair. If you have no morals, walk over people, destroy people's sanity even, then yes, you can make more worldly gains in many corporate situations. This level of sociopath cannot be gotten on will, and i wouldn't even know how to act like this. Sociopaths are not really happy, they are not really sad either. It seems to me, they don't really think like this, in a way they are more like machines than man, in that they seem to do no self-reflection on their actions, and have zero guilt. Once in a while, there will be a leader who notices this in higher positions, and then they are often pushed back. Corporate culture can help with this. Good leaders in a company is important for this, and they are not always available. When the sociopath is the leader, become his friend, or leave.

@Noname First of all,I am not a psychologist or something like that,I have my own emotional problems and unmet needs but..I guess I can help.Please note that the following things I'm going to write are just my deductions and what I think can help him. Have you tried introducing him to self-development?He's got a ton of addictions,meditation could really help him or other videos from his channel.If you decide to convince him to meditate,tell him to do the "Do nothing" technique.It's really good for depressed people,I know from my own experience. Masturbation eh?Even though I don't fully agree with what I'm about to say,I highly believe that this could help your friend alot.Tell him to research NoFap.It's a community that encourages dissolving the masturbation habit.I've read alot of stories about depressed and anxious people like him getting their lives back by simply abstaining from masturbation and especially porn.I'm pretty sure he's watching porn,and porn completely fucks up your brain.So yeah,I guess this could be a step in the right direction.Why I don't fully agree you might ask yourself..well,I don't think that normal people should do NoFap(normal meaning non-porn addicted)..I think they should masturbate only when they feel like they want to(side note:masturbating to escape problems is good in the short run,but harmful in the long run).Nevertheless,he's a porn and masturbation addict,he's got to stop that.When you masturbate and watch porn dopamine stops being produced by your brain and therefore,you experience low motivation,low sex drive and that could lead to depression and anxiety.Oh yeah,and the anxiety of talking to girls is 100% because of porn. Sounds like he had got problems even growing up..From what you have wrote above it seems like he didn't had any confidence even when he was a little kid,did he?Maybe his problems did not start now..they might have started when he was just a child.I mean that he might have experienced a lot of traumas growing up and felt a lack of love/support/acceptance.Sounds like he doesn't even understands his own problems.I highly suggest watching Teal Swan.She's got many good videos that will help him understand his root causes of his illness,his unmet needs,his suffering etc. He's in a major depression now..the number one thing that he needs(and also any depressed person needs) is constant support and love..I say again..support and love.This is the first thing he needs before moving on to resolving his problems.If he just gets the advice first,sure he'll try to do these techniques..but he'll fail a lot,which is normal.But depressed people will get more depressed and frustrated because of that..I even got so frustrated that I wanted to commit suicide.Support from other people will prevent that.What people?Anybody..as much people as possible.Also..ask him when was the last time he cried..If he can't remember or the last time he cried was a long time ago(years) there is a problem..And..tell him not to drop his counselors.Yeah,they might not be such good counselors but he needs to talk about his emotions,problems and traumas as much as he can whether is a counselor or a friend/parent. I understand your friend because I was depressed too for a long time and had difficult times..I am healing from it slowly..and I can assure you that these things above helped me.The only thing I need now is love and support which I am afraid to death to seek,but that's another story.Hopefully this helped.

Ego - The False Center The first thing to be understood is what ego is. A child is born. A child is born without any knowledge, any consciousness of his own self. And when a child is born the first thing he becomes aware of is not himself; the first thing he becomes aware of is the other. It is natural, because the eyes open outwards, the hands touch others, the ears listen to others, the tongue tastes food and the nose smells the outside. All these senses open outwards. That is what birth means. Birth means coming into this world, the world of the outside. So when a child is born, he is born into this world. He opens his eyes, sees others. 'Other' means the thou. He becomes aware of the mother first. Then, by and by, he becomes aware of his own body. That too is the other, that too belongs to the world. He is hungry and he feels the body; his need is satisfied, he forgets the body. This is how a child grows. First he becomes aware of you, thou, other, and then by and by, in contrast to you, thou, he becomes aware of himself. This awareness is a reflected awareness. He is not aware of who he is. He is simply aware of the mother and what she thinks about him. If she smiles, if she appreciates the child, if she says, "You are beautiful," if she hugs and kisses him, the child feels good about himself. Now an ego is born. Through appreciation, love, care, he feels he is good, he feels he is valuable, he feels he has some significance. A center is born. But this center is a reflected center. It is not his real being. He does not know who he is; he simply knows what others think about him. And this is the ego: the reflection, what others think. If nobody thinks that he is of any use, nobody appreciates him, nobody smiles, then too an ego is born: an ill ego; sad, rejected, like a wound; feeling inferior, worthless. This too is the ego. This too is a reflection. First the mother - and mother means the world in the beginning. Then others will join the mother, and the world goes on growing. And the more the world grows, the more complex the ego becomes, because many others' opinions are reflected. The ego is an accumulated phenomenon, a by-product of living with others. If a child lives totally alone, he will never come to grow an ego. But that is not going to help. He will remain like an animal. That doesn't mean that he will come to know the real self, no. The real can be known only through the false, so the ego is a must. One has to pass through it. It is a discipline. The real can be known only through the illusion. You cannot know the truth directly. First you have to know that which is not true. First you have to encounter the untrue. Through that encounter you become capable of knowing the truth. If you know the false as the false, truth will dawn upon you. Ego is a need; it is a social need, it is a social by-product. The society means all that is around you - not you, but all that is around you. All, minus you, is the society. And everybody reflects. You will go to school and the teacher will reflect who you are. You will be in friendship with other children and they will reflect who you are. By and by, everybody is adding to your ego, and everybody is trying to modify it in such a way that you don't become a problem to the society. They are not concerned with you. They are concerned with the society. Society is concerned with itself, and that's how it should be. They are not concerned that you should become a self-knower. They are concerned that you should become an efficient part in the mechanism of the society. You should fit into the pattern. So they are trying to give you an ego that fits with the society. They teach you morality. Morality means giving you an ego which will fit with the society. If you are immoral, you will always be a misfit somewhere or other. That's why we put criminals in the prisons - not that they have done something wrong, not that by putting them in the prisons we are going to improve them, no. They simply don't fit. They are troublemakers. They have certain types of egos of which the society doesn't approve. If the society approves, everything is good. One man kills somebody - he is a murderer. And the same man in wartime kills thousands - he becomes a great hero. The society is not bothered by a murder, but the murder should be commited for the society - then it is okay. The society doesn't bother about morality. Morality means only that you should fit with the society. If the society is at war, then the morality changes. If the society is at peace, then there is a different morality. Morality is a social politics. It is diplomacy. And each child has to be brought up in such a way that he fits into the society, that's all. Because society is interested in efficient members. Society is not interested that you should attain to self-knowledge. The society creates an ego because the ego can be controlled and manipulated. The self can never be controlled or manipulated. Nobody has ever heard of the society controlling a self - not possible. And the child needs a center; the child is completely unaware of his own center. The society gives him a center and the child is by and by convinced that this is his center, the ego that society gives. A child comes back to his home - if he has come first in his class, the whole family is happy. You hug and kiss him, and you take the child on your shoulders and dance and you say, "What a beautiful child! You are a pride to us." You are giving him an ego, a subtle ego. And if the child comes home dejected, unsuccessful, a failure - he couldn't pass, or he has just been on the back bench - then nobody appreciates him and the child feels rejected. He will try harder next time, because the center feels shaken. Ego is always shaken, always in search of food, that somebody should appreciate it. That's why you continuously ask for attention. You get the idea of who you are from others. It is not a direct experience. It is from others that you get the idea of who you are. They shape your center. This center is false, because you carry your real center. That is nobody's business. Nobody shapes it. You come with it. You are born with it. So you have two centers. One center you come with, which is given by existence itself. That is the self. And the other center, which is created by the society, is the ego. It is a false thing - and it is a very great trick. Through the ego the society is controlling you. You have to behave in a certain way, because only then does the society appreciate you. You have to walk in a certain way; you have to laugh in a certain way; you have to follow certain manners, a morality, a code. Only then will the society appreciate you, and if it doesn't, you ego will be shaken. And when the ego is shaken, you don't know where you are, who you are. The others have given you the idea. That idea is the ego. Try to understand it as deeply as possible, because this has to be thrown. And unless you throw it you will never be able to attain to the self. Because you are addicted to the center, you cannot move, and you cannot look at the self. And remember, there is going to be an interim period, an interval, when the ego will be shattered, when you will not know who you are, when you will not know where you are going, when all boundaries will melt. You will simply be confused, a chaos. Because of this chaos, you are afraid to lose the ego. But it has to be so. One has to pass through the chaos before one attains to the real center. And if you are daring, the period will be small. If you are afraid, and you again fall back to the ego, and you again start arranging it, then it can be very, very long; many lives can be wasted. I have heard: One small child was visiting his grandparents. He was just four years old. In the night when the grandmother was putting him to sleep, he suddenly started crying and weeping and said, "I want to go home. I am afraid of darkness." But the grandmother said, "I know well that at home also you sleep in the dark; I have never seen a light on. So why are you afraid here?" The boy said, "Yes, that's right - but that is MY darkness." This darkness is completely unknown. Even with darkness you feel, "This is MINE." Outside - an unknown darkness. With the ego you feel, "This is MY darkness." It may be troublesome, maybe it creates many miseries, but still mine. Something to hold to, something to cling to, something underneath the feet; you are not in a vacuum, not in an emptiness. You may be miserable, but at least you ARE. Even being miserable gives you a feeling of 'I am'. Moving from it, fear takes over; you start feeling afraid of the unknown darkness and chaos - because society has managed to clear a small part of your being. It is just like going to a forest. You make a little clearing, you clear a little ground; you make fencing, you make a small hut; you make a small garden, a lawn, and you are okay. Beyond your fence - the forest, the wild. Here everything is okay; you have planned everything. This is how it has happened. Society has made a little clearing in your consciousness. It has cleaned just a little part completely, fenced it. Everything is okay there. That's what all your universities are doing. The whole culture and conditioning is just to clear a part so that you can feel at home there. And then you become afraid. Beyond the fence there is danger. Beyond the fence you are, as within the fence you are - and your conscious mind is just one part, one-tenth of your whole being. Nine-tenths is waiting in the darkness. And in that nine-tenths, somewhere your real center is hidden. One has to be daring, courageous. One has to take a step into the unknown. For a while all boundaries will be lost. For a while you will feel dizzy. For a while, you will feel very afraid and shaken, as if an earthquake has happened. But if you are courageous and you don't go backwards, if you don't fall back to the ego and you go on and on, there is a hidden center within you that you have been carrying for many lives. That is your soul, the self. Once you come near it, everything changes, everything settles again. But now this settling is not done by the society. Now everything becomes a cosmos, not a chaos; a new order arises. But this is no longer the order of the society - it is the very order of existence itself. It is what Buddha calls Dhamma, Lao Tzu calls Tao, Heraclitus calls Logos. It is not man-made. It is the VERY order of existence itself. Then everything is suddenly beautiful again, and for the first time really beautiful, because man-made things cannot be beautiful. At the most you can hide the ugliness of them, that's all. You can decorate them, but they can never be beautiful. The difference is just like the difference between a real flower and a plastic or paper flower. The ego is a plastic flower - dead. It just looks like a flower, it is not a flower. You cannot really call it a flower. Even linguistically to call it a flower is wrong, because a flower is something which flowers. And this plastic thing is just a thing, not a flowering. It is dead. There is no life in it. You have a flowering center within. That's why Hindus call it a lotus - it is a flowering. They call it the one-thousand-petaled-lotus. One thousand means infinite petals. And it goes on flowering, it never stops, it never dies. But you are satisfied with a plastic ego. There are some reasons why you are satisfied. With a dead thing, there are many conveniences. One is that a dead thing never dies. It cannot - it was never alive. So you can have plastic flowers, they are good in a way. They are permanent; they are not eternal, but they are permanent. The real flower outside in the garden is eternal, but not permanent. And the eternal has its own way of being eternal. The way of the eternal is to be born again and again and to die. Through death it refreshes itself, rejuvenates itself. To us it appears that the flower has died - it never dies. It simply changes bodies, so it is ever fresh. It leaves the old body, it enters a new body. It flowers somewhere else; it goes on flowering. But we cannot see the continuity because the continuity is invisible. We see only one flower, another flower; we never see the continuity. It is the same flower which flowered yesterday. It is the same sun, but in a different garb. The ego has a certain quality - it is dead. It is a plastic thing. And it is very easy to get it, because others give it. You need not seek it, there is no search involved. That's why unless you become a seeker after the unknown, you have not yet become an individual. You are just a part of the crowd. You are just a mob. When you don't have a real center, how can you be an individual? The ego is not individual. Ego is a social phenomenon - it is society, its not you. But it gives you a function in the society, a hierarchy in the society. And if you remain satisfied with it, you will miss the whole opportunity of finding the self. And that's why you are so miserable. With a plastic life, how can you be happy? With a false life, how can you be ecstatic and blissful? And then this ego creates many miseries, millions of them. You cannot see, because it is your own darkness. You are attuned to it. Have you ever noticed that all types of miseries enter through the ego? It cannot make you blissful; it can only make you miserable. Ego is hell. Whenever you suffer, just try to watch and analyze, and you will find, somewhere the ego is the cause of it. And the ego goes on finding causes to suffer. You are an egoist, as everyone is. Some are very gross, just on the surface, and they are not so difficult. Some are very subtle, deep down, and they are the real problems. This ego comes continuously in conflict with others because every ego is so unconfident about itself. Is has to be - it is a false thing. When you don't have anything in your hand and you just think that something is there, then there will be a problem. If somebody says, "There is nothing," immediately the fight will start, because you also feel that there is nothing. The other makes you aware of the fact. Ego is false, it is nothing. That you also know. How can you miss knowing it? It is impossible! A conscious being - how can he miss knowing that this ego is just false? And then others say that there is nothing - and whenever the others say that there is nothing they hit a wound, they say a truth - and nothing hits like the truth. You have to defend, because if you don't defend, if you don't become defensive, then where will you be? You will be lost. The identity will be broken. So you have to defend and fight - that is the clash. A man who attains to the self is never in any clash. Others may come and clash with him, but he is never in clash with anybody. It happened that one Zen master was passing through a street. A man came running and hit him hard. The master fell down. Then he got up and started to walk in the same direction in which he was going before, not even looking back. A disciple was with the master. He was simply shocked. He said, "Who is this man? What is this? If one lives in such a way, then anybody can come and kill you. And you have not even looked at that person, who he is, and why he did it." The master said, "That is his problem, not mine." You can clash with an enlightened man, but that is your problem, not his. And if you are hurt in that clash, that too is your own problem. He cannot hurt you. And it is like knocking against a wall - you will be hurt, but the wall has not hurt you. The ego is always looking for some trouble. Why? Because if nobody pays attention to you, the ego feels hungry. It lives on attention. So even if somebody is fighting and angry with you, that too is good because at least the attention is paid. If somebody loves, it is okay. If somebody is not loving you, then even anger will be good. At least the attention will come to you. But if nobody is paying any attention to you, nobody thinks that you are somebody important, significant, then how will you feed your ego? Other's attention is needed. In millions of ways you attract the attention of others; you dress in a certain way, you try to look beautiful, you behave, you become very polite, you change. When you feel what type of situation is there, you immediately change so that people pay attention to you. This is a deep begging. A real beggar is one who asks for and demands attention. And a real emperor is one who lives in himself; he has a center of his own, he doesn't depend on anybody else. Buddha sitting under his bodhi tree...if the whole world suddenly disappears, will it make any difference to Buddha? -none. It will not make any difference at all. If the whole world disappears, it will not make any difference because he has attained to the center. But you, if the wife escapes, divorces you, goes to somebody else, you are completely shattered - because she had been paying attention to you, caring, loving, moving around you, helping you to feel that you were somebody. Your whole empire is lost, you are simply shattered. You start thinking about suicide. Why? Why, if a wife leaves you, should you commit suicide? Why, if a husband leaves you, should you commit suicide? Because you don't have any center of your own. The wife was giving you the center; the husband was giving you the center. This is how people exist. This is how people become dependent on others. It is a deep slavery. Ego HAS to be a slave. It depends on others. And only a person who has no ego is for the first time a master; he is no longer a slave. Try to understand this. And start looking for the ego - not in others, that is not your business, but in yourself. Whenever you feel miserable, immediately close you eyes and try to find out from where the misery is coming and you will always find it is the false center which has clashed with someone. You expected something, and it didn't happen. You expected something, and just the contrary happened - your ego is shaken, you are in misery. Just look, whenever you are miserable, try to find out why. Causes are not outside you. The basic cause is within you - but you always look outside, you always ask: Who is making me miserable? Who is the cause of my anger? Who is the cause of my anguish? And if you look outside you will miss. Just close the eyes and always look within. The source of all misery, anger, anguish, is hidden in you, your ego. And if you find the source, it will be easy to move beyond it. If you can see that it is your own ego that gives you trouble, you will prefer to drop it - because nobody can carry the source of misery if he understands it. And remember, there is no need to drop the ego. You cannot drop it. If you try to drop it, you will attain to a certain subtle ego again which says, "I have become humble." Don't try to be humble. That's again ego in hiding - but it's not dead. Don't try to be humble. Nobody can try humility, and nobody can create humility through any effort of his own - no. When the ego is no more, a humbleness comes to you. It is not a creation. It is a shadow of the real center. And a really humble man is neither humble nor egoistic. He is simply simple. He's not even aware that he is humble. If you are aware that you are humble, the ego is there. Look at humble persons.... There are millions who think that they are very humble. They bow down very low, but watch them - they are the subtlest egoists. Now humility is their source of food. They say, "I am humble," and then they look at you and they wait for you to appreciate them. "You are really humble," they would like you to say. "In fact, you are the most humble man in the world; nobody is as humble as you are." Then see the smile that comes on their faces. What is ego? Ego is a hierarchy that says, "No one is like me." It can feed on humbleness - "Nobody is like me, I am the most humble man." It happened once: A fakir, a beggar, was praying in a mosque, just early in the morning when it was still dark. It was a certain religious day for Mohammedians, and he was praying, and he was saying, "I am nobody. I am the poorest of the poor, the greatest sinner of sinners." Suddenly there was one more person who was praying. He was the emperor of that country, and he was not aware that there was somebody else there who was praying - it was dark, and the emperor was also saying: "I am nobody. I am nothing. I am just empty, a beggar at our door." When he heard that somebody else was saying the same thing, he said, "Stop! Who is trying to overtake me? Who are you? How dare you say before the emperor that you are nobody when he is saying that he is nobody?" This is how the ego goes. It is so subtle. Its ways are so subtle and cunning; you have to be very, very alert, only then will you see it. Don't try to be humble. Just try to see that all misery, all anguish comes through it. Just watch! No need to drop it. You cannot drop it. Who will drop it? Then the DROPPER will become the ego. It always comes back. Whatsoever you do, stand out of it, and look and watch. Whatsoever you do - humbleness, humility, simplicity - nothing will help. Only one thing is possible, and that is just to watch and see that it is the source of all misery. Don't say it. Don't repeat it - WATCH. Because if I say it is the source of all misery and you repeat it, then it is useless. YOU have to come to that understanding. Whenever you are miserable, just close the eyes and don't try to find some cause outside. Try to see from where this misery is coming. It is your own ego. If you continuously feel and understand, and the understanding that the ego is the cause becomes so deep-rooted, one day you will suddenly see that it has disappeared. Nobody drops it - nobody can drop it. You simply see; it has simply disappeared, because the very understanding that ego causes all misery becomes the dropping. THE VERY UNDERSTANDING IS THE DISAPPEARANCE OF THE EGO. And you are so clever in seeing the ego in others. Anybody can see someone else's ego. When it comes to your own, then the problem arises - because you don't know the territory, you have never traveled on it. The whole path towards the divine, the ultimate, has to pass through this territory of the ego. The false has to be understood as false. The source of misery has to be understood as the source of misery - then it simply drops. When you know it is poison, it drops. When you know it is fire, it drops. When you know this is the hell, it drops. And then you never say, "I have dropped the ego." Then you simply laugh at the whole thing, the joke that you were the creator of all misery. I was just looking at a few cartoons of Charlie Brown. In one cartoon he is playing with blocks, making a house out of children's blocks. He is sitting in the middle of the blocks building the walls. Then a moment comes when he is enclosed; all around he has made a wall. Then he cries, "Help, help!" He has done the whole thing! Now he is enclosed, imprisoned. This is childish, but this is all that you have done also. You have made a house all around yourself, and now you are crying, "Help, help!" And the misery becomes a millionfold - because there are helpers who are also in the same boat. It happened that one very beautiful woman went to see her psychiatrist for the first time. The psychiatrist said, "Come closer please." When she came closer, he simply jumped and hugged and kissed the woman. She was shocked. Then he said, "Now sit down. This takes care of my problem, now what is your problem?" The problem becomes multifold, because there are helpers who are in the same boat. And they would like to help, because when you help somebody the ego feels very good, very, very good - because you are a great helper, a great guru, a master; you are helping so many people. The greater the crowd of your followers, the better you feel. But you are in the same boat - you cannot help. Rather, you will harm. People who still have their own problems cannot be of much help. Only someone who has no problems of his own can help you. Only then is there the clarity to see, to see through you. A mind that has no problems of its own can see you, you become transparent. A mind that has no problems of its own can see through itself; that's why it becomes capable of seeing through others. In the West, there are many schools of psychoanalysis, many schools, and no help is reaching people, but rather, harm. Because the people who are helping others, or trying to help, or posing as helpers, are in the same boat. ...It is difficult to see one's own ego. It is very easy to see other's egos. But that is not the point, you cannot help them. Try to see your own ego. Just watch it. Don't be in a hurry to drop it, just watch it. The more you watch, the more capable you will become. Suddenly one day, you simply see that it has dropped. And when it drops by itself, only then does it drop. There is no other way. Prematurely you cannot drop it. It drops just like a dead leaf. The tree is not doing anything - just a breeze, a situation, and the dead leaf simply drops. The tree is not even aware that the dead leaf has dropped. It makes no noise, it makes no claim - nothing. The dead leaf simply drops and shatters on the ground, just like that. When you are mature through understanding, awareness, and you have felt totally that ego is the cause of all your misery, simply one day you see the dead leaf dropping. It settles into the ground, dies of its own accord. You have not done anything so you cannot claim that you have dropped it. You see that it has simply disappeared, and then the real center arises. And that real center is the soul, the self, the god, the truth, or whatsoever you want to call it. It is nameless, so all names are good. You can give it any name of your own liking. From Beyond the Frontier of the Mind by Osho

So I looked at the actual study itself as opposed to the analysis of the article by the Telegraph. My main interpretation is as follows: Mindfulness gives you the tools to spot issues with your emotions and thoughts. Women have a better way of then handling these emotional issues in real time and in real life because of the way they were raised. Men, on the other hand, do not. So, as opposed to showing why mindfulness fails, Peterson's study just shows why men need to both take mindfulness classes to spot their issues and then take emotional-focused therapy classes to address issues in a healthy manners. Here's my reasoning: As noted by the authors of the study, the issue here does not lie with meditation itself but with gendered forms of emotional expression. In the beginning of the paper, the authors of the study write: Importantly, research also suggests differences in response mechanisms to psychological distress. When coping with psychological distress, men tend to “externalize” their distress by directing action outward (e.g., playing sports or video games, watching TV, etc), whereas women tend to internalize their distress by directing action inward (e.g., ruminating or writing about a negative event) . The other thing women do is that they talk to each other about their emotional baggage. Women are much better at talking to others about their emotions than men are because of the way they are cultured. In a society that much become less about doing and more about allowing yourself to Be, it's important to let go of this externalized "doing" that characterizes masculinity. As a result of men's externalization of emotions and need to "do" stuff, men: Suffer from greater amounts of attentional issues ("what should I do to solve my problems!? There are too many options of what to do! ") Take on greater job risks ("I have to do something to get noticed, so I won't feel so worthless and I can finally be happy!") Refuse aid more often from mental health professionals ("Because all they do is talk talk talk instead of actually finding solutions!") And thus, commit suicide more often ("At least it's technically a form of doing something") The difference is so great, some sociologists argue that the #1 factor for determining a straight male's lifetime longevity is whether he's married during middle age. Why? Again, women are simply much better to talk about emotions with. Another study, the Harvard Longevity study, demonstrated that: "close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes. That finding proved true across the board among both the Harvard men and the inner-city participants." And what is the secret to keeping and maintaining strong relationships? Respectful discussion of emotional issues, the ability to discuss solutions to those issues with one another, and being there celebrating each other's wins. Women do a much better job of this then men, who are off trying to live out some grand purpose on their own. Going back to the study itself, I do not see any issue with these findings. I can easily interpret the studies results as follows: men and women both learned to recognize their emotions in real time without identifying with them, as they should have with mindfulness practice the women in the study proceeded to talk with their friends about the new emotional flavors that came up in regular every-day life the men, when faced with new emotional flavors, either tried to "do" stuff to fix it or did not talk to friends about it nearly as much as the women So, the women gained a benefit but the men didn't. Mediation is just practice. What matters is Game Time. What matters is ordinary, every day life. I still think that the mindfulness practices are important for showing men their emotional flavors in the first place. What must happen is that the men become well trained at talking about that shit with other men and women. Overall, the study may be evidence that for men, Mindfulness alone is not enough in its early stages, but that doesn't mean it should be thrown out. Instead mindfulness would be better off intertwined with some form of emotion-focused therapy for men. Women, by nature of how they were raised in culture, may not need such therapy as much, although it might be beneficial for some people, regardless of gender.

The woman was dependant on the anti-anxiety meds. I'm surprised the article didn't report the effect those kinds of drugs have on one's brain and the side-affects of stopping taking them. According to the article Megan had battled mental illness long before the retreat. At the retreat the meds were not allowed, after day 7 she started to get disoriented, but chose to continue for 3 more days. She left the place suicidal while other meditators empowered and restored. The drugs/stimulants warped and altered her mind to the degree that prolonged quiet peaceful state of being became deadly to her. The giant psych drug business is behind her suicide, not a meditation retreat, IMO.

Unraveling the self is serious business. Then again, not unraveling the self is even more dangerous. How many people committed suicide this year because they DIDN'T go to a meditation retreat? All such things need to be understood in proper context.

I can't give you logical reply to subjective truths. Successful people are happier than unsuccessful people, but their happiness is not everlasting. Some of them even suicide, some of them are treated for depression. Unless you yourself become successful , you can't know what they miss in their life. If you can't grow into a meditator , it is better to be a successful person rather than a unsuccessful person but blessed are those who find inner richness.