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the all-seeing eye. All of this emotional purgation over the past week has created a clearing in me. I feel less like Squidward and more like the all-seeing eye of Sauron, minus the evilness. (Well, I'll always be a little evil.) I see so much more: How I've used spirituality and PD for the past few years to avoid socializing and being a part of the societal framework. How I've created and maintained environments that emulate the environment I had during childhood (inside most of the day, spending time with pets, staring at a screen playing video games [Replaced by learning and watching YT videos] in a state of constant bodily tension, decisions made for me by mommy and daddy [Guess who's back home? Guess who's having difficulty deciding what to do with his life?]). How I've used distractions to dissociate from painful bodily tensions and numb body awareness. How I've used suicidal ideation to campaign against living life. Suicide: A paradoxical survival mechanism in which the psyche plans to kill itself not because it wants to, but because it's avoiding its own death in life. Live life enough, and aspects of the psyche will die. Through suicide, the psyche can bypass that ensnaring, sometimes unbearable, emotionally laborious process. (Honestly, going through those nearly unbearable moments myself, I can see why some people would choose suicide.) How when I spend too much time alone, I get paradigm-locked in my head and feel depressed. Again, now I see the importance of human interaction - with anyone. Even interacting with my unrelatable (and lovable) parents last night massively uplifted my mood. In the context of evolution, it's easy to forget that we humans are tribal animals. How brisk physical exercise can also uplift mood, help me lose my mind and come to my senses. How I unconsciously hold tension in my body, especially in the lower abdomen. How I "try" to meditate and "try" to do yoga, expecting to get something out of these practices, rather than savoring the practice itself. On a similar vein, noticing the difference between efforting and effortlessness. How effortlessness comes from consciously "letting go." How there's nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to be, and how I've ironically used PD and spirituality to avoid these bitter truths. How I blindly believe Leo sometimes without thinking things through myself. How I distract myself from doing real inner work - sometimes through sneaky ways like reading PD books. How even after reading The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, going through different exercises, reading through old journal entries, practicing self-love and forgiveness, I still have low self-esteem. How I use MBTI and other tests to promote victim mentality (e.g. I'm an INFJ, I'm just wired this way, I have ADD, I'm so fucked up beyond repair, society's not made for people like me, nobody understands me, etc.), which likely stems from getting loving attention from mommy when I played the victim card back in the day. How I wonder if anyone reading this actually got this far. How I have a lot of repressed anger from playing the Good Boy role all these years. How I genuinely enjoy writing these entries because they're amusing to me and help collect my thoughts. How I used to fish for reputation points when they were still around, and how I still sometimes check the forum expecting a notification. I've been effectively Pavlov'ed. How I still try to hold my life together in the subtlest of ways. And oh so much more. Now for the Leo clichés: I've only scratched the surface. I could write for HOURS on each individual bullet point. There's lots of nuance here, so be careful. Most people don't understand how deep this goes. Do you want to be enlightened and work at 7-11? All right, that's it. Please click the "like" button... oh wait, shit!

The bad thing is that I am lost. I dont know what to do. i dont have directions. Here also I get contradicting responses, some say dont think, some say think. I am lost to the point that I dont know if I should strive to get better or just leave it and not have attachment to life. To the point I say why to run away from pain and death, why not to let have a miserable life or commit suicide. There is no meaning in anything anyway. What is the point to live happy or unhappy if eventually I will die and it will not matter what a life I had. But my instincts say: live, avoid pain, live happy life. Enjoy every moment. Love. Marry. Have kids. Get old. Years ago I found the facebook profile of the 20 years old guy who jumped off a building writing a status that, he cannot bear it anymore. I investigated his profile and I saw that he was once a believer, muslim, who then started to rationalize life and became an atheist (just like me) and questioned the meaning of the life and was debating with his friends about the life, existence, about its meaninglessness. His parents took him to psychotherapists, but his state did not improve and he committed suicide. I was so scared that it would happen to me as well. When I say I should not believe in my mind, who says it? Not my mind? Can anything else in me can understand, speak, decide, contemplate besides mind? I try to quit thinking. But when I give instructions myself how to cope with my current state or figure out something related to my state, dont I use my mind? I read Echart Tolle's story how he got enlightened in midnight. He says: "I cannot live with myself any longer." This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a peculiar thought it was. `Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the `I' and the `self' that `I' cannot live with." "Maybe," I thought, "only one of them is real." I was so stunned by this strange realization that my mind stopped. So did he use his mind to get enlightened or what? Is not no-mind impossible? If I dont believe my thoughts what can I believe? Should I have hope for happiness or be without expectations? I have endless questions. Endless. And I worry if I dont find answers to them I will not have a direction to recover. By the way Mighty Mouse and Natasha recommend think and resolve my questions. I got confused. If I catch myself in flow I will try to sustain it and spoil everything. Sometimes when I meditate I notice that I have not thinking for seconds and meditate very well, instantly I spoil it and start to think. Or for example yesterday suddenly I noticed that I feel ok and there is no fear and tried to sustain it and pain and fear came back.

You'd be surprised how many people like him you'd find in jails or mental institutions or just homeless, they were called the crazy ones because no one had any idea what they were on about. Even Nikola Tesla was considered crazy and only 100+ years later people finally starting to see him as one of the smartest people to ever live because now many are catching up to his level of consciousness/understanding. Most people like Charles just knew too much and didn't know how to maintain this understanding because especially those times there were hardly any guides for self realization. Picture Leo trying to make videos and explain all this 50 years ago. I can't imagine how many out there committed suicide in the past because everyone misunderstood them and that they realized it was pointless or actually convinced themselves they were crazy since they were the only ones they knew with a different perspective.

I probably went through several ego deaths in the last few months, yet the ego came back with vengeance. I dont hate myself, I dont hate my body, I wouldnt do anything to it, but the stories in my mind just wont stop, and they have been going on like this for 6 months now and I wish I would not have the urge to identify with the thoughts. I keep thinking that many people would have already commited suicide if they were in my shoes, although I dont feel so aware of myself. The ego really has a big fear of realizing the truth, I think it is called upper (not so good) and lower (ego realizes it is an illusion) death drive. So, when I first meditated earlier last year and observed my thoughts as the observer, a deep peace settled in, wasnt that ego death? So why doesnt observing work anymore? The last months, I literally went into levels in my mind I thought never exist because it made me feel so damn surreal and I wonder what a normal person feels like without knowing what a (devilish) tool they are lead by. It makes me go crazy having these stories leading my life, but they go so deep and touch my whole existence. Damn maybe I even had an enlightening moment, but I rather feel like there are some broken neurons in my brain. I sometimes wonder if I even have a brain because I feel so crazy.

pure aloneness. I am unraveling. I see my life slowly crumbling before my eyes. My dream is turning into a nightmare. Ego is using everything up its arsenal to prevent the unraveling, especially thoughts of suicide. Suicidal ideation - the ultimate defense mechanism against dying - the ultimate irony. My body, my mind, everything is contracting. Too afraid to die, but too afraid to live. The self-loathing demon spawns in my head prevent me from moving further. They are voices from the past, telling me how much of a worthless piece of shit I am, how I don't deserve anything at all, how I should believe them because they're true. But that's not the hardest part. The hardest part is realizing that there's nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to be. Total self-annihilation. The achievement-oriented life was a sham all along. There is nothing that is lacking, but I want something to lack. I want a reason to go on. I want a god-given purpose, live a god-given life, be a paragon to behold. I want to be remembered. I want a lasting legacy. I want to survive as an ego! I never asked for this, damnit! But I just had to tug at the curtain, didn't I. After my friend's suicide, I had no choice. I just had to be the fuck-up that slinks in the corner to find the big gaping void behind the back door. Most of all, I don't want to be alone. But this is where true spirituality leads - pure aloneness as a direct experience. Always alone, no sense of any "others." Having a glimpse of this last night made me scream and cry in horror. I know I know, dramatic as hell. But not to the ego - my life is on the line. Me.

Do you mean I should keep thinking to wake up? When somebody says this I get defensive of not thinking, because my first problem arose because of long thinking when I was 13 (In 2000). I remember clearly, how I thought about life, existence, Allah (I was muslim), soul and etc several consequent days and jumped to a conlusion that there is no Allah, or any other extraordinary omnipotent power, there is no soul, nothing is sacred, we are just biologic creatures with mind. I was shocked. As if something very valuable disappeared inside me. I fell into emptiness. The fear took the whole me. I tried to kick those thoughts away, but could not. The following days I thought more and I could not understand why we are here, who am I, can I trust myself, what if everything is an illusion. Very freak thoughts came to my mind which I cant articulate well. When there is a period that I am very busy with something (material things), these thoughts dont come or come rarely. But since 2013 I feel terrible and on antidepressants. When I contemplate existential stuff, I get worse. Do you think, I should think no matter how I feel? I have been meditating since June and since December it seems I have decreased the amount of thinking and daydreaming. But have not seen any improvement in my mental state. Horrible. Constant pain. And I desperately want relief. When fear is overwhelming I panic, cry, beg. When fear is not that strong I embrace it. I embrace pain. Especially during meditation. My heart seems it will stop, but I go on. However neither pain nor fear disappear. Today I told myself I would not involve my mind until 1st March. So after that date I may start to think and seek answers. I was somehow successful in it. Although pain went up, I tried to stay in present moment and neglect mind, no matter how insecure I felt. But as soon as fear came, I tumbled down to my mind again in order to find immediate relief with the help of thinking. The worst is when I am outside, because even in such a situation I dont want to show my weakness to strangers (I care other people's opinion so much) and therefore fear doubles outside. I know why I need to answer my questions. I want to find absoluteness. So I wont get lost. I want to see the meaningfulness. I dont see meaning. But I guess I would not see meaning even if there was a God. I would still say why and feel discontent. I remember when I was 13 I imagined eternal life in heaven and got scared. I thought dying and not having a soul is better than eternal life. But actually when I feel terrible everything sounds scary to me. I am on treatment since 2013. I have seen two different psychotherapists. I want to neglect the pain and live my daily life outside of my mind, but it consumes my energy. Can anybody with a strong headache dance? Nor me with strong mental pain. What to do then? Meditation? Can I get better without enlightenment, or will I suffer until I get rid of ego (which I doubt will happen to me) ? Is it better to neglect mind completely until I am doing something related to my job? The more I neglect the mind, the worse I feel, sometimes a huge pain, which I think I wont handle. But it seems the only way to recover. Should I decrease mind day by day or stop it abruptly? I have quitted cigarette, cannabis, alcohol. Is quitting mind also like them? I have a huge emptiness inside me, which seems to produce fear. Yes I try to avoid pain and bad feelings. I try to focus on something else, because I am afraid I will not be able to handle those feelings. Are not all thoughts different and independent of each other? Should I believe in fairy tails, happy ends or live without expectations? Do you think existential thoughts are easily defined concepts? Actually sometimes I dont get those thoughts, but get those feelings that everything is alien, stranger. Everything is dark. I want to live so much. I think this is also a problem. I should face the possibility that I may suffer forever or may commit suicide. Eternal pain is sometimes inevitable.

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through. Just a few suggestions: 1) If you are meditating (but also while not meditating) Be mindful of when those compulsive thoughts arise, and when they do, ask yourself, "what is the feeling that these thoughts are interpreting." I think a lot of times, certain thoughts arise as a mechanism to dissociate from an underlying feeling that is misunderstood. It can be fear, sadness, or any other feeling that the mind has deemed too intense to actively feel. If there is a feeling lying outside of the thoughts, it needs to confronted. This may or may not make it go away, but just allowing the feeling to enter into awareness might show you that it isn't unbearable. It seems that right now you are focused only on the thoughts, and are trying to derive an answer as a means to prevent the apparently bad feeling to go away. What the mind will do is deaden feelings of intense experience to try and avoid them. Then we relate and identify with these feelings, which breathes life into the thought processes. After a while, we feel that we are deadened or incomplete, because we unconsciously avoid a portion of the natural expression of life that we are. Think of the feelings as aliveness. 2) I would really read Already Free by Bruce Tift. It's not going to provide any definitive answers, but it might resonate with your experience. 3) Don't be ashamed to seek out help. It can be from a therapist, or a Buddhist monk, or anyone that you choose. Suicide isn't the solution, because there isn't a problem. You are aliveness. You are existence. Without you there is nothing. I'm sending love your way. I hope you find some peace.

I just thought that enlightenment is also the realisation that there is no intellectual answer for this question but only existential one manifested in form of good feeling, in particular feeling certain or feeling that you know. Seeking starts from lack of good feeling in right brain, question formed in left, and answered in right brain again when 'good feeling' is reached and established. Meaning of life is to feel good, and thus reason for creation is simply because its good ('god created world for his pleasure’ = existence is there coz it 'feels good'). For realised human being this understanding is manifested in feeling absolutely good or happy and thus seeking has ended. Its ended because of this emotional relief (in a sense). Coz imagine realising absolute oneness and still feel suffering? You will start seeking answers again. Enlightenment assumes feeling good. And you wouldn't pursue truth if in the end it makes you suffer until the end of your life, right? Irrational feeling is what pushes us to wake up, while intellect is there just to know how to wake up. So if we think about first cause, the answer to why is because its 'good'. The answer to how its created is that you can think of different kind of theories. There are many ways to tie your shoes, but what pushes you to do so? Coz you wanna feel good. Every action is about feeling good. And there's nothing else that push us to do anything. Even suicide is about getting rid of negative feeling, and negative is simply lack of positive. So as anger, fear or sadness are all tools for now to feel good later (you are afraid of something so you can survive and feel good later). Even self-destruction is about doing something that you think can make you feel good, even if you think that you are mistaken in the end. Haha even masochists harm themselves and sadists harm others because it feels good for them. So I thought since enlightened ppl finally feel good then they no longer think about reason for existence because good is the answer. Its also kind of universal answer: not all living organisms are asking why verbally, but all trying to feel good in one way or another. I think this very simple answer is often overlooked among enlightened people of West who are regardless of their enlightenment try to explain answers for 'why there is creation' in rationalising and come up with some ambiguous thing like 'there is no why, there is no question' or 'god wants to know himself' or 'its a huge laboratory and we are experiments'. For every question there is an answer, but its not always found in thinking. It can be just as easy as 'because its good', but its so often not enough for intellectual west. @cetus56 to say nothing exist is to say that everything exist

Dude these are so relatable to myself, I had same situation over 2017, and still having it although its less intense now because I see hope in spirituality. I'm idealist, so whenever I have some picture of reality in my mind I assume my life should be similar to this picture. Whenever my life loses its romantic hope I just want to end everything, I became depressed and suicidal. Last year my life lost its romantic flavour like never before, so I broke badly, was few centimetres away from ending it all. So your situation is relatable to me, especially about parents, and about getting old, and about not having matching spouse, and about making mistakes of the past that I only recognized now. Especially these past mistakes that affect my hopelessness now bother me a lot. I also think that if I only was more conscious before and think about my future 10 years ago or at least 1 year ago, I would be in different situation now and that because of these mistakes I cannot have same passionate and romantic flavour in life anymore and cannot have my desirable career anymore because I got older although I'm 23. So these are true for me too, and probably the biggest concern for me as well. Well for my self-image. By now, I'm trying to get rid of identification with self-image through spiritual work. I'm trying to die existentially instead of physically. Thats what everyone here is trying to do. I'm afraid that physical suicide will only add suffering to you in after-life if we assume that it exists (since reality is a causal stream). Suicide is desirable because we are lacking wholeness, complete order, our true state of being. How old are you? What type of career do you want to have? And what mistakes of past bother you most of all?

@Max_V pretty intense. very emotional, touching. it made me think of suicide as well.

@Max_V It was pretty interesting, I liked how they had the all seeing eye looking over everything. I had to kind of shift perspective a little to enjoy this type of music, but once it kind of settled into a character and life of it's own I appreciated it more. How did the kid die? Sounds like suicide.

I think that the true beauty of life is all that is. Accepting everything that is. Making a change in your life if you really want to. But there is no right or wrong. This includes me not saying "Suicide is wrong". Because when someone out there makes the decision, who am I to judge? He or she was so selfish commiting suicide? There are a lot of selfish people out there, I guess here in this forum as well. I think I am selfish too. But who am I to control someone elses decision to commit suicide or not? Obviously it is not an easy thing to talk about when someone has a lot of compassion and tries to help someone with suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately my compassion is not the best. I am not here to help others. I try to bring certain change into my own life. And when people in real life see me as a role model, why not. But I will never force my help on others even when its about more serious topics. Statistics say that every 30 seconds or so someone commits suicide. Thats a freakin lot. I had some thoughts as a teenager but I was too patient and now too mature to consider such nonsense. We will die anyway, why speed up this process. The value of life is now. My goal is not that when I am old I will be thinking that I have lived a good life. Because when I will be old the value of life will be that moment somewhere in the future.

You see, this thought where you think like " yea, its time. I cannot take this anymore" type of suicidal thought. This "this" what you cannot take anymore. Suicide is not going to make a difference. "this" remains even after your suicide.

@Thanatos13 "the beauty of life" is something you gain. Yes, what is miserable exists, what is "ugly" exists. Consequences exists. You're miserable right now, you're giving yourself answers, explanations, you are delusional, you want to kill yourself, but you want answers from people, you're unsure. There is no purpose indeed. The unconsciousness hides it. Unconscious people are "lucky". But as you grow your consciousness, as you start to see these things, you'll also start to "know" things intuitively. It starts not to be a matter of what is true or not, what has purpose or not, if I should kill myself or not. Explanations, superficial answers becomes things of past. The new kind of knowledge starts to make itself known. You start to know a new kind of knowledge, to acquire a new kind of knowledge. The knowledge that you feel, that is simply "true". Suicide, death, you start to see them for what they are, and also start to feel that your existence has a purpose after all, but another kind of purpose than known by "ordinary" people. Yes the life is suffering when you are not conscious of what you are. It is all about suffering and deception until you start to see. That's why you meditate, try to be aware every moment, because something is neglected. "Something" that you intuitively know you have to discover.

I'm not gonna joke here, I had several attempts when I felt stuck in life but only two things have stopped me: biological fear and fear of being punished after-life (karma) fear is what will stop us from doing it. and just think about it, what if karma and reincarnation exist and we actually will be unsettled ghosts or in hell or in bad abusive life-situation in next reincarnation if we actually commit suicide! really contemplate that. that's no woowoo staff to prevent people from harming themselves, that can be real deal of how reality works. reality is causal in the end of the day. so think about future. don't try to run from suffering now to have full bowl of suffering afterwards. instead work to change situation now. think about why ancient spiritual traditions considered suicide as the greatest sin? is it just made-up? or is there some knowledge and understanding of the world behind that? truth is you can't claim its bullshit, and you can't claim its not. because we don't know. while if its actually true you will end up in worse place if you do it. you want to suicide because you want to get rid of wounds of your self-image/ego. so instead of suicide, just 'get rid' of ego. there won't be desire for suicide any longer.

@Thanatos13 I'm going to provide my perspective...like food for thought....but I'm not interested in a debate, sorry....I write this simply as a gift of compassion...ok....so, if we can't assume there is something greater...then we could safely call death "the unknown"....with that, we could agree that in sudden death we MAY not have all of the *choices* we have access to in life...............it's as if you hold in your hand (the hand that votes for living) a "choose your own adventure" book with almost infinite possibilities, opportunities, and potential.... and in the other (suicide hand) you hold a novel with only a single journey.... yes, we don't know which adventure is "best" or "most beautiful"... but we do know, that if you choose to live, you can actually have *both books*! From every rational lens I look through... experiencing the infinite adventures of life first is the best course of action...and likely why we usually LIVE and experience all we can while we can! I hope to talk to you about this again in a decade or so... If you can get to happiness, you likely would no longer question the validity of life.... you wouldn't want to miss a single amazing present moment of it! Sending love and wishes for your ultimate happiness!

Because contrary to any logic I have for it, suicide is very difficult to perform. The brains and body have survival mechanisms that prevent us from offing ourselves. If i see it that way it’s because I haven’t discovered sufficient evidence to believe otherwise. Or I haven’t heard an argument to counter mine. Science teaches that pure certainty is a myth, so no I’m not certain. But I am fairly confident in the likelihood of it. I just wanted to address the holes in the videos.

Again, none of this addresses my statement. Life isnt “about anything”, it simply is. Anything assigned to it is human bias or “ego” in your speak. How can I trust insights into life in a certain state? What makes that state more valid than others? How do I know such a state isn’t deception? For people who criticize everything else you know you seem to leave certain things untouched. I dont even think the suicide is about depression anymore, it’s more like logic. I’m not bound by any contract to live, it’s optional. I won’t remember anything I did, so why bother doing it? Whatever I decide in life I will forget when I die. Doesn’t seem to be much reason to live to be honest. Seems easier to die, not having to deal with existing anymore.

You are here for a reason, for a greater purpose. You may not know what it is yet but that's the whole mystery of life. Suicide will most probably leave you in the same loop lifetimes over lifetimes until you learn your lesson and free yourself from the loop.

Letting go of the ego feels really good and like anything it takes practice. You have the option to kill yourself for sure and there isn't really any meaning to anything. If you have the time, could you try something for me, I would like to see if it might help with your depression. Ok, here goes: Put aside all thoughts of depression and suicide for this exercise. Also, put aside thoughts of the past and future. Now be completely in the moment. Breath deeply and feel the air enter and exit your nostrils. Focus on the feeling in your spine, it will kind of have a tickling sensation to it. Now as you are doing this, go deeper and deeper into that feeling. Now at this point, breath in deeply and move the feeling of calm and ease into your chest/heart area. Feel the spine, your breathing, your chest. It should feel pretty good. Now listen to this song, focus on the instruments, the richness of the sound. Then, still in this state, go to the fridge and get something fresh and light. Chew it slowly and really taste the flavours, feel the texture. Don't worry about 'why am I doing this' or anything like that. All this is just a test run. This is what life is about, God lives through your experience. If you practice this with other things throughout the day, life will become more enjoyable and depression will loosen it's hold. Insights about life are clearer in this state as well.

because you are a taking the easy way out like a selfish little pussy if you commit suicide while the ego is still intact, the ego wins, deception wins, you win why not kill yourself by becoming enlightened? then you can enjoy the rest of life and help others you should go on living to help others

Sorry but that isn’t a correct evaluation. The body and the mind (which is all there is) do so, especially in the face of the logic where one doesn’t HAVE to do anything really. We don’t need a purpose, we don’t need to live, the more you ponder it the more death seems logical. Awareness of that reality is hard to ignore. But I doubt others grapple with such concepts. Everyone seems to believe that life is “worth it”. I believe Thomas Ligotti already address the “no self” objection to suicide, stating that it only reinforces the case for it.

I have been asking that question of "Why not just commit suicide?" a lot the last few weeks. The logic here is this: I am suffering a lot and it seems to be getting more worse as my life goes on, and there isn't sufficient amounts of evidence around me that the contrary to suffering is possible. Therefore, if I commit suicide, then that suffering ceases to exist. Seems like a good idea and an idea that makes a lot of sense, but I'm not brave enough to do it. Why do people bother? Fear of whatever happens when you die is perhaps the biggest reason? I don't actually think that, if a person is thinking of committing suicide, then thoughts of their family or whatever even enter their thinking. Perhaps it mainly is just the fear of dying and not knowing what happens after, coupled with perhaps the faint hope of maybe it'll be a little better someday.

Have thoughts of buying a few portable bbqs and burning charcoal in my car to gas myself. I feel like just sucking it up and doing it. Felt this way too many times before I've had bad ocd for quite a few months and been isolating myself a lot. Been binge drinking 2-3x a week for the last few months. I'm now over that, I don't want to drink anymore, it's no longer doing any positive whatsoever. I've still maintained a really healthy diet for many years now. My health has issues, I've got a problem with my breathing, it's very controlled, it takes much more effort than it should and is on mind 100% of the day. I've sat down and spent 100s and 100s of hours trying to work it out. My body feels very ill and does not function in anyway as it should. I can't feel any pleasure in my body. I have tried a few different hard drugs, which i don't condone for myself, i cant get a single ounce of good feeling. It's been 4 years since my body has been capable of producing a nice feeling. Long term health condition diagnosed as m.e, in other words, i have no idea what's going on, it's caused immense suffering for me. I believe if i could let go of this ocd and feelings of guilt, and looked after myself and got my emotional health in order, then my body should heal itself somewhat after many months. The doctors have provided no help, after shit loads of visits and tests. I haven't been able to sort my emotions out and the ocd and it's just been dragging on for ages. It's just suffering at the moment and nothing else. I'm 26, living with my mum. Don't want to burden anyone else whilst im feeling this way. No job atm, except for the stuff i was doing part time with a mate and when my band gigs. I feel like a pretty incomplete, kind of stupid, well behind in life for my age, and socially awkward in ways. I managed to build some decent guitar skills over years and I know people think highly of me in this. I don't have much else. Potential for doing other stuff? Sure I have family coming up for christmas, an old friend coming through also wants to see me, i have a gig on new years, i have a friends wedding in january. I don't want to do any of it, and i don't want to see anyone. I'm actually feeling temporarily less morbid after writing this, I don't expect it to last. Are there consequences to suicide? -In regards to this thing that I perceive as the self. What are beliefs on this around here? Am I gone like I want to be? Or is something in 'me' likely to continue on and pay for it. I know I'm incredibly selfish, I just don't care atm

When you are accepting your death, what you are really accepting is some belief of what death is. I have seen a person die and I still have no idea what it is because I have no conscious information about it so there's nothing to accept or reject about it. If you are trying to reject it there's a problem of resistance, if you are trying to accept it there's a problem with beliefs. Thus neither reject it, nor accept it. As for suicide - it's really born out of belief. In India people don't like to commit suicide because they believe in reincarnation and feel that it will solve nothing. In the western world we believe that suicide will solve it all so we like to commit suicide when things get really tough. What if suicide makes it even worse? Get stuck is some hell dimension? LOL! I have considered suicide many times in the past so I can relate. Sometimes life can feel so dark and desperate or maybe you might have a tough mental or physical illness that turns you into a fucking vegetable and you just want to end it. As you realize that you will never reach all of your dreams and hopes the ego starts to suffer immensely, but don't run away from this feeling. Jed McKenna said "Your moments of blackest despair are really your most honest moments, your most lucid moments...". Why do you think that is? Because then you realize that your dreams and hopes are actually irrelevant. In fact they were always irrelevant - stuff born out of your beliefs. Tilopa said: "Investment in samsara is futile; it is the cause of every anxiety. Since worldly involvement is pointless, seek the heart of reality!" The real suicide is waking up, not killing your physical body. The price of waking up is everything. Let it all go - life, death, certainty, uncertainty, beliefs, knowledge, religion, hopes, dreams, fears, doubts, opinions, memories, esteem, aspirations, motivations, expectations, goals, enlightenment, non-enlightenment, meaning, meaninglessness, luck, fate, faith, destiny, identity, normalcy, craziness, fairness, unfairness, confusion, clarity, frustration, strategy, time, space, tactic, plot, cause, effect etc. (fill in the rest with whatever you identify with). See... All of the dream is nothing, it's empty. It doesn't mean anything. Let your beliefs go and with your beliefs you will go as well. Completely surrender. Even the process of surrendering you should surrender. It's not to go somewhere or to become a god. It's to disappear. If you can disappear then why not try it? That's probably the most interesting thing to try period. "Without the past, there would be nothing to think about, let alone someone to think it." - From the TV show Sens8 Tilopa said: "A tree spreads its branches and puts forth leaves, But when its root is cut its foliage withers; So too, when the root of the mind is severed, The branches of the tree of samsara die"