dboyle

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About dboyle

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  1. I'm dropping out at the end of the year, and have $3000 saved up. But I'm not sure what my next step should be, and feel a little anxious at this prospect. Up until now, everything was laid out. Go to high school, go to university, get a grad job, blah blah. Now my boat is being flipped, and I don't know what the future holds. It's a little scary. Any advice?
  2. Need to get this off my chest and would really welcome some advice. I'm going to be all over the place here. Apologies in advance. This is probably gonna be a long story, so sit tight. When I was 10 years old, my entire family went to our home country to attend a wedding. It was awesome at the start. I loved going with my family to another country. All of us together. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I belonged with my family and it was great. That happiness was short-lived. The night before the wedding, a lot of the beds were taken up at the home we were staying at, and so we shared beds. It was me, my mom and the groom. My mom was in the middle of me and the groom. I woke up in the middle of the night. I did not move. I heard some noises. I opened my right eye. And saw my mom on top of the groom. She was fucking the groom. And she was fucking the groom, while I was in the same motherfucking bed. I mean, what the actual fuck? What sort of bitch would do that? Holy shit. I managed to get back to sleep. I woke up in the morning. The groom was leaving to get ready for his wedding. I heard him say "you're a home wrecker" to my mom. Later that morning, I saw my dad. He asked me where I slept that night. I thought it was really weird that he didn't know where I slept. I told him I slept with my mom and the groom in the same bed. He asked who was in the middle. For some reason, I knew this question to be important. So I answered "I was in the middle". I lied to my dad. And I knew I lied to him. And I lied to him to protect my family. Even now, in my twenties, I have a huge amount of respect for my 10 year old self for doing that. Top kid. I knew that had I said my mom was in the middle, he would know something was going on sexually. I was scared my family was going to break up. I didn't want that to happen. Later in the day. I plucked up my 10 year old courage and confronted my mom. The balls on that kid! I asked her about what happened last night. She lied to my face and said that the groom and her were "just talking" and gave me a hug. Fucking whore. She made a cuckold out of me and my dad. My mom is a rather volatile person. My dad is bigger and stronger than her, but she beats him and slaps him. Last year, after she slapped him a few times, he came to me in tears saying he was ready to "kill her" and rip her head off. I had to calm him down and tell him that isn't the right thing to do. And just to get a divorce. He's still with her. He's a big wimp. A big pussy. Always has been. He's a broken man. My mom slapped him up a few months ago, and he came up to my room and told me about it. What the hell am I gonna do about it, if he's not willing to do anything about it? I've been living with this secret my entire life. Only now am I telling it, on actualized.org, because I need another perspective on this. Ive blocked this memorry out of my mind for most of my life, but I've remembered it as I've started meditating and working on personal development. I'm unsure on my course of action here. I can't tell the truth of this to my family. It will rip and tear the family apart. It might even drag my dad to suicide. Like I said, he's broken. I'd rather keep this secret than tell them of it. For sure my mom never told my dad. Worse is that the groom and my dad are best friends. I saw the groom a few months ago at my grandma's funeral. We played cards. Ugh. One of the worst things is that, everyone thinks we're a normal family. But I've seen shit that tells me that we're fucked up. Everyone thinks we're the perfect family. But man, we've got some skeletons in the closet for sure. Everyone sees her as a holy religious person. But deep down she's a psycho. I regularly think about just disconnecting from my family. I think it will be healthier for me. Too much baggage. Way too many shitty memories. Not enough good memories to stay. Do I need to give them a reason for leaving them if I choose to? Or should I just do it? My heads all over the place atm. She's so nice to us now. She was horrible before. Used to lock me up the basement. Used to beat me. I was scared of these Halloween masks when I was a kid, and she knew that, so whenever I did something she never liked, she put on the mask, held me down, and made me stare at the mask. Fuck man. That was scary as hell. Then this? Putting me through that? I guess seeing her fucking the groom was my first ever sexual experience. Ugh. What would you do? Would you just carry on with life with these people as if nothing had happened? Thing is she's so nice now. Of course she is. I'm now 6 ft 2. She can't pin me back anymore. Plus, I think she's realised that she'll need people to look after her when she's old. She's super nice now. But the real side of her comes out when she's with my dad. Abuses him and everything. My dads a broken, broken man. I will not talk about this with my family. I won't reveal all this to them. I won't do that to my dad. I don't like family get togethers. Because I know I'm the only person in the room to know that this is all a lie. That this family is broken. And only I know this. Christmas with them is bullshit. My extended family look at me like "what's wrong". If only they knew the truth. But I gotta hold it in. I can see that this whole family dynamic is a complete sham! A mirage! Holding it in and staying connected to the family is harsh on me. Holding it in and leaving the family will be more just and merciful on my soul, I feel. More likely to forget about it that way as well. So should I just forgive and keep living on with them as if everything is cool. Or forgive, and then leave and go on my own? Don't wanna go to no therapist or shit. Need a course of action. Stay, or leave? They are family, though. What would you do? (If you've made it all the way here. Thanks. I realise this post was just everywhere and jittery. My apologies) Thanks in advance
  3. I made a thread not too long ago saying that I was thinking about dropping out. Well, I'm definitely leaving. I'm terrified though. I don't know what my next move is. University was always the aim, and then get a Graduate job. Now I have no clue I'm in debt, and have no business ideas, and am not really in love with anything in particular (yet). I'll probably go back to my parents for the summer, and then probably try to leave the nest for good because being back at home will be poison for me mentally. How do I progress in life with getting a job and such, with no degree? I know this phase in my life is going to be pretty lonely and isolating. I already don't have many friends, and I have zero truly close friends, but you know, struggle can breed strength. It'll be even more isolating when I leave for a new city (country?) Any advice/tips?
  4. Thanks for the replies everybody. Man, I may have to make a really tough decision. This is terrifying... Maybe this is one of those bold life changing decisions that Leo talked about in one of his vids early last year. The thing, I worked so hard to get here. So, so, so hard. Years of effort and intensity to get here. Perhaps I'll be throwing all that hardwork out of the window if I decide to leave and do something else. Just going through the work now in front of me is a little disheartening.
  5. I'm a first year Math student at university. I'm just hating my degree. I'm so bored of it. I used to enjoy math a few years ago, but right now I don't have that same spark that lead me to studying it at university level. I feel a little that that part of my life is over and done with, and that I need to move on to something new and fresh. Something like actually having real world experience and just earning some money for once. I think my intuition is telling me to leave. Emphasis on 'think' because I don't know when it's speaking to me or not. I'm not connected with my course. I don't care about the material at all. It's very abstract, and I can't see how this connects with my real life. And the thing is, the content itself is so difficult to understand, that me not being engaged is just making it a million times more difficult to get the work done. I'm not a materialistic person. I don't care much for having a big house, or a cool car, or whatever. I just wish to be happy and fulfilled. So money is not a big motivator for me in life. I think about leaving quite frequently, and cannot currently motivate myself to care about my studies. But I'm scared of the consequences of leaving. I mean, what will I do if I leave? I'm currently in my 20's, and have had no work experience as of yet. And then there's the fear of what my parents and friends will think. This will be a huge decision if I leave. And a big thing for me is that I don't want to move back home as it's very bad in my household and very abusive. Moving back would be a killer for my psyche, which is what would happen if I do dropout. I don't know what I want to do in the future, and can't see how slogging through algebra for another 2.5 years will help me realise what I wish to do. Employers value a math degree quite highly, so I guess I could be throwing away a great opportunity. But still, staying and doing this for another 2 and a half years is daunting. Advice?
  6. Could you do more than one affirmation? Even further than that, should you? Would doing one affirmation for 10 mins be more effective than doing two affirmations for 5 mins each?
  7. The title is not even an overstatement. It's actual fact. I've lost touch with every single one of my friends from childhood and high school during the journey of self-actualisation. I didn't consciously know it was even happening, as I was working so much. Until I looked up around me one day, and noticed nobody was there. I know that my life is MUCH better because of this journey. I am sometimes scared of what would have happened had I not tried to better myself. And in order to better myself, I did need to let some people go, because they were holding me back. A lot of them were not good for me, in truth. They put me down a lot. Dismissed my ambitions a lot. But so does everyone, I think. Having said that, and having knowledge that my life is better now, I can't help but think of how much I regret having some of those friendships fizzle out. I'm sure people on here may have similar experiences, and would like to hear you out and what you think, and whether you regret letting some people go, but knowing it was necessary. I'm starting College soon, so I'll be making a whole lot of new and deep friendships. But still, I wonder if these new friends can replace the old ones.
  8. UGH! So some of you may remember me from the thread talking about a 21 year male virgin who was thinking about hiring an escort. I'm back with something new! And when I mean pickup, I mean it in the sense where you're going out to nightclubs everyday and constantly opening sets until you hook a girl. In my current mind, all I want to do is to get a girlfriend (which is hard enough for me as I'm not physically attractive). But here's the thing: If I do get a girlfriend, I'll still have this nagging thing at the back of my mind, and that is I should be trying to sleep with as many girls as I possibly can. I also have this insecurity where I think every girl I am attracted to is supremely experienced with sex already (and have some evidence from my life that 's true), and that I am severely lacking and am lagging behind my general age range with regards to sex. Which further adds to the nagging belief that I should sleep around and get my 'lay-count' up. I know I know I know that what I'm saying is deep in to lower consciousness territory, but it still doesn't stop the feelings go away. So I'm pondering whether I should immerse myself in pickup. I mean, I don't want to do it. I REALLY don't want to do it. But how else is a guy like me meant to get good with girls and to have sex? Btw, one reason I don't want to do it is that the whole thing genuinely is not authentically me. The thought of me going out and trying it is depressing me. Like, going up to groups women, getting rejected, doing it again and again, until I get lucky? What's the point? [I've already seen Leo's vid btw] Another is that pickup will disrupt my life for a while. I wake up very early every single day; something that I've started doing as a way to set up my day and the start of a great morning routine. Pickup will have to make me a nightowl. I feel like I'm at the age where I should be focusing on my values and life purpose (via Life Purpose Course ), as that is what makes me happy. But should I brave through some unhappiness so I can get good with girls? I'm in limbo at the moment, and would love and appreciate some advice. X
  9. So I'm thinking of things about what I value in life, and am questioning myself over whether 'Mastery' is a real value for me or not. Do you think Mastery can be a value?
  10. Ever since I was young (like 6 years old or something), I have always been immensely drawn towards great leaders/fighters that I either read about or watch about. These people don't even have to be real; I have been emotionally drawn towards certain characters that I see on TV programs or movies, that they inspire me so much when I watch them or listen to what they have to say, that I am sometimes forced to tears because of it. This first started when I was around 6, and was watching Dragonball Z, and was sometimes drawn to tears because of the way some of the characters were like in the heat of battle. As I've gotten older I'm more drawn towards people like Gandhi, Mandela, or even Hitler from the sheer passion he showed, as well as some characters like Jon Snow & Bruce Wayne. I see the passion that they have and the noble way some of them live their lives, a life bigger than their own, and wish so bad that I could cultivate a life with the same amount of passion, if not more. Also, I have never ever felt that others around me feel the same. Whenever I talk about some of the inspiring leaders that have come and gone, nobody around me really cares what they did, who they were, how they lived their lives, what they taught us etc. How are your emotions when you see/read some of this sort of stuff? Am I just a sap for falling too easily in terms of my emotions (since others around me don't), or is this something deeper? Like, is it part of what I need in my life, or part of how I should live my life? [Btw, I don't EVER cry at other things. This is probably the only aspect of my life where I am bought to tears. Not proper crying my eyes out, but just a little tear falling down my cheek] So, what do you think?
  11. Hey everyone So I'm spending a lot of the summer just reading, reading and reading, before I start College in September, and was wondering how often you guys and girls here take notes when reading a self-help book, or just a normal non-fictional book? Do you think taking notes while reading impacts you better in terms of actually remembering the material? How often do you look back on those notes when you've finished the book? Reason for this topic was because I was reading Meditations earlier on, and was thinking that I just wanted to remember it all! And then looked at the stack of books next to me and thinking to myself that I'll never finish all the books I want to read if I'm going to stop and take notes for all my books. So, what do you think?
  12. Hey everyone So I'm 21 and have never taken drugs before (though I have been drunk before, but only once, and generally choose not to drink alcohol as I don't like the taste). Have never taken things like weed, cocaine, heroin etc. My friends have done all this, and have always asked me if I wanted to do them, but I never ever once thought that I should, mainly because I think they're just a waste of time and money, and there honestly isn't any real intrinsic motivation for me to take them. Am I being boring and close-minded by choosing not to take any drugs like these? Should I just take them just to experience them once in my life and not miss out on the experience? (I currently don't feel like I'm missing out, but these feelings might occur at a later stage in my life?) I'll also be going to College in September so I guess this sort of lifestyle will be the norm.
  13. Hey everyone Have been researching the positives of having a really cool morning routine, and am in the process of creating one for myself now, since all my life my morning routine has always been rather uninspiring and lacklustre, which is in direct contrast to the life I want to live. So, what's yours like, and how does it benefit you?
  14. But I think I would be fine with them just doing it for my money, as I feel there would be no judgment on whatever performance i show up with. If I were to go to college as a virgin at 21, there'll be a ton of judgement, plus a reputation as being bad in bed, then I'll be even more in a messed up situation for the duration of my stay there. Then there's the possibility of me meeting a girl I realllyyy like and likes me back. Then when we eventually go to have sex, she'll likely be disappointed and then leave and tell all her girlfriends how bad I was. Again, I'll be in a messed up situation.