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About WaterfallMachine

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    Lesser Chimp
  • Birthday 04/10/2001

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  1. For some reason, my senses can be really sensitive. Especially to noise. I can handle crowded environments but if I stay too long — I actually start crying. Loud noise seems to increase other sensitivities — like getting too sensitive to bright light and the cold. I'm usually allowed to leave the room when I want to since other people are aware of this. I start worrying about this — if it'd get worse — and then later on because of my anxiety, it actually does get worse. Anyway I can relax that anxious tendency? At least the worrying part? The easily getting overstimulated part I'm looking for therapy in.
  2. For a long time, I've had this longing feeling when I thought of other people — whether they're strangers I see around or people I know well. My mind would keep returning to these people a day — especially the people I open up to the most. But I never get close enough in a way that's satisfying. Before, I thought I wanted my ego to be stroked for praise. Long story, but I fixed that need. Later I thought I needed a sense of community. I fixed that too. But now my mind still keeps returning to people over and over that I realized that I just wanted to get close to someone in particular. It's why I feel an envy when I see other people having closer relationships in real life and online. Not that I'm a loner and a social outcast. No. I'm more of that person everyone likes but no one ever gets close to. The easiest candidate to start with would be a long time tutor after school I had for years since I was a toddler. He's mostly that chill uncle figure I have — and even more of a father and mentor figure than my actual dad. He complains about how secretive I tend to be so he'll be open to this happening. I tried showing something I wrote on paper that was private. He told me he'll read and won't respond which convinced me to show it to him. I was clearly getting embarrassed and uncomfortable that he laughed and said, "It's okay. You don't need to be shy." I said, "I hate you," but the rest of my time spent with him showed otherwise. I kept avoiding eye contact but as he walked out he said bye in the happiest voice. And then I died from embarrassment. I don't know why — maybe I fear rejection or conflict. I don't show a lot of deeper sides to me and showing that is well . . . awkward. What I already show is real sides to myself but I don't show the entire side of myself. And how vastly different that change of perspective would be? I'm scared of that. It's . . . How do I do this? I don't know how to do this.
  3. Sometimes I wondered why I got depressed when I was younger. This determination sitting has given me a lead on that. I observed why I kept fidgeting all day. And it led me to something that could change my life. My parents didn't seem all that bad. They weren't perfect saintlike parents but they showed they tried their best to show that they loved me. Many other students bullied me as a kid. They'd steal my things and run around with them. They'd call me names and some people would turn away when I approached them. While the others liked me because of my optimistic looking persona and sense of humor — the bullies still frustrated me terribly. But eventually my teachers came around to stop them. It could also have to do with the fidgeting. I thought to stop my movement I had to see how it begins as an intention inside my mind. I looked for my impatience to keep my legs jumping. I watched for the restlessness to rock back and forth. I zeroed in rubbing my fingers off each other. My faster breathing and blinking at certain times. I thought it was just a habit. People fidget when they're nervous but I just happen to fidget just because, right? But no — sometimes I was actually nervous. It just happened so often I thought it was normal. I fidget a bit faster when something too cold passes my way. I fidget even faster in a crowd. I fidget more when my eyes are exposed to something too bright. I fidget more when I can't walk around. It was shocking at first but being aware of my body made all this nervous energy become more calming. Like how athletes talk of feeling joy in the most grueling parts of their workout. But the feeling wouldn't always last. I've known for a long time that my senses were sensitive. But not like this — I didn't know it was this often. Maybe it was less recognizable because it was more being subtly uncomfortable than outright stressful. Though, at times, it could be so stressful that I'd break down in tears — which is why the teachers don't stop me when I walk out of the classroom when I want to. But as I passed my day — I noticed that my other more deeper stresses were deeply impacted by my sensitivities. I grew more anxious, insecure and self criticizing in overstimulating environments. Especially when what's background noise for other students in a classroom is to me like the roar of an army. All this time — was I sensitive as a kid to now — because of my senses? Why I easily cried as a kid? That the bullies didn't only cause my sensitivities. Did my sensitivity attract the bullies too? That could be why even at my level determination sitting is hard and I'm barely making progress — the fidgeting was vital to keep me coping with my nervous energy all day. That's why I start panicking if I stop moving when doing determination sitting during or just after somewhere loud. I found something called Sensory Processing Disorder. I tried answering the symptoms checklist and got a huge amount of them. I always thought my sensory sensitivies were because of my fears — but could it be the other way around too? So many of my fears are gone now — but busy environments clearly affect me still. How many days have I walked pass the door at my home tired from the noise? How many classes have I skipped from the noise? How much tension has been in my body for this? I looked the treatment up. Occupational therapy. Maybe it didn't affect my entire life. Maybe I can deal with it alone I thought. But now I can't deny that it affects much of my life outside my nice quiet home. I asked my guidance counselor. She said it was already discussed over a year ago. Even recently she said. But it was decided not to due to my refusal to try any therapy at the time. Well, goddamn. Now I know what to do.
  4. Yeah, I experienced something similar. I felt like I could pass out and threw up my dinner. I experienced panic, misery, anger, terror and so on. But after that, my experiences while not perfect become richer than ever before. I 100% don't regret it. Maybe you could benefit from what others posted when I asked for help before. I was so depressed I got suicidal there. Yep. Not very fun.
  5. It's true that enlightenment would better solve your issues in the long term and that's why you're better of seeking it. But there are many short term stresses to enlightenment also. People can get very depressed or scared with these experiences since it questions much of everything they believe. Ayla gave a pretty good post on what to do during events like this if you want to see it.
  6. The deeper I go into my practice, I've never really experienced enlightenment experiences as 100% peaceful and happy. But it's different somehow. Better in a different way. I explained once in my journal that it was like two people listening to the same music. Even if it's the same, one can think it's good and the other would think it's bad. The deeper I go into this, the more negative emotions like fear, anger or sadness would be something I call good or bad. And even the idea of certain emotions being intristically good or bad is as subjective as listening to music. At my best, it seems just as neutral as any other bodily sensation — like a slight itch, pressure or tingling. Sadness for example isn't really "Damn it! I want it to go away! Why are I being so stupid?" It's more like "A feeling of lower energy, of unmotivation, of lost and of tiredness." Anxiety isn't "Stop! Stop! What the hell! Why can't I do this right?". It's more of "A rapid movement in thoughts and feelings, a nervous energy in my legs jumping, a faster movement in my breathing and more blinking." It's a hell lot more manageable even if it's still there if you ask me. Even if isn't perfect, life has generally become a lot more peaceful. Much of my own insecurities and anxieties are gone. It's awesome really. Years ago, I wouldn't believe in being able to get a taste of this deep satisfaction and peacefulness at all, much less that it lasts for much of the day. Maybe it's less that enlightenment experiences directly allowed this — than it allowed a better awareness of my emotional state. And you can't solve a problem without awareness of it. Another thing is to simply know the truth. I explained before in my journal that it was like a newborn baby. A newborn baby wouldn't see a teddy bear as a teddy bear or hear a nursery rhyme as a nursery rhyme. While he still has an ability to distinguish sensations like hunger to cry himself out — lots of other sensory experiences are just blended together — because he has no language to divide these experiences. That's why it's explained that "Everything is one." I'm not enlightened but by the enlightenment experiences I had — I get to understand things without assumptions. Without cultural assumptions, spiritual assumptions, reality assumptions, past assumptions, political assumptions, moral assumptions and so on. And when I see those experiences, it tells me if what I believe in is really founded on something legitimate. And these allow to make better decisions in life thanks to better beliefs. And really, I just wanted to understand for the sake of understanding.
  7. I used to be someone who never really felt close to anyone. Barely ever felt warmth to anyone. And barely any connection to even my family, a long time friend or a group. And I thought — why should I? Each time I've make friends, they'd fail to interest me as much as my own solitary intellectual hobbies. I didn't know love. . . so what I did was follow my own curiosities. That was until my mental health problems grew so bad — I had no where to turn to than ask for help. I had volunteer listeners come to take care of me — I thought all this was all an illogical distraction from finding some way to solve my issues. But it drew me in — maybe somewhere in there I wanted to know why people thought so highly of love and friendship. And even if it took months for much of anything relevant to arise — I kept going. I distrusted them. I distrusted everyone after all — I rarely ever shared secrets with anyone before. And I talked with the assumption that they were all going to turn on me and they were all going to hate me. But for some reason — they listened, and listened with patience, and listened with acceptance. And if only for a few moments — I'd experience a new feeling — a warm feeling when I talked to them. "What's that?" I asked. "Oh, that's connection." Then I got embarassed. Ever since then, I've been gradually getting better at this thing. Until I found that I simply liked almost everyone and those I disliked were only for a short period of time. I freak out from time to time — mostly because as it increases, it's ridiculously unfamiliar. For example, I've been missing people lately including this forum. And what the hell I don't miss people. I guess I just wanted someone to experience the happiness I felt from all those damn nice ass volunteers. Eh. Oh well. Let's see what happens next.
  8. It's not trying to teach you anything by wording ideas. it's teaching you with the practice for focus. To focus on something is to be able to be aware of your thoughts, feelings and intentions to be able to direct your attention in the first place. Like the pencil in a dark room analogy earlier. And this skill can transfer to the rest of your life allowing you to be more aware of questions such as, "Why am I feeling this way? Why am I thinking this way? What do I want to do? Why do I want to do that? Should I do that?"
  9. Are you making your decisions based on what others and society thinks or because of what you think? You can never please everyone. Not even the most charismatic people could please some people's high standards. And even so, people have conflicting ideas on what the ideal is so that stretches even more how impossible this goal is. What's hard and at least possible? It's controlling yourself. When you become aware of what you really think and value, then you're on the way to gain some real control in your life. See this for more. https://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-stop-caring-what-people-think-of-you Also I recommend journaling to reflect well. Here are some prompts. https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/09/27/30-journaling-prompts-for-self-reflection-and-self-discovery/
  10. It's natural to be frustrated. All these things must have been very hard on you. Barely anyone starting with these practices start up perfect enough to be fully aware. When I first started with practices like these, I kept getting distracted by silly YouTube videos, daydreaming, guilt and frustration with myself. I've gotten stressed enough that I'd get distracted from the smallest things several minutes at a time. Sometimes I lost awareness and focus enough that I'd lose the ability to read. But now my awareness is powerful. Barely anything worthwhile doesn't take a hell lot of time, effort and resources. When you were a little kid, it took time for you to learn how to read, right? But now you could do it easily. I find it strange how many people who first get into practices like this says it's not for them if they're having a hard time. Would you stop a little kid from learning how to read if they didn't get it right the first few times? Same thing. I recommend checking this out for this problem. http://www.opencolleges.edu.au/informed/features/develop-a-growth-mindset/ People seem to be on the wrong angle of trying to advise you. The main problem isn't just how to get out of your stresses. You seem to getting advice for it from all directions. It's also your lack of confidence. People are better off realizing that the goal isn't just to answer the title question, it's advising your problem. Well, look at it this way. I bet you can do one of these exercises for 5 minutes, right? What if you tried one daily just for 5 minutes? It seems small but starting too big makes people lose confidence easily that they give up doing it entirely. When you look at how it might add up when you're doing this for a month or even a year — it adds up to something big. Then maybe you can gradually increase the minutes with baby steps. Maybe that's why the only person you thanked here was @Max_V because it was the only thing simple enough you thought you could do. This is not one big method. It's different small exercises done in a large length of time. You don't have to do everything at once and you can take each step as it comes. Much of lasting happiness comes from changing the inside rather than the external environment. We can never fully control our environment but it's possible for much deeper control into our minds. The first step is awareness — to understand what is going on. And without awareness, we can't solve this problem. Like trying to look for a pencil on the crowded floor somewhere in a pitch black room. Check out these sites for several exercises for awareness. https://palousemindfulness.com/index.html https://scottjeffrey.com/self-awareness-activities-exercises/ Feel free to ask more questions. There's a @User button when you want to specifically notify me or others of your question.
  11. I wouldn't call myself much of a good source of advice for this. I had trouble getting my credit card to work once on Amazon and gave up for years trying to buy anything there. In this country, about the only spiritual books around are about Christianity. I could occasionally get books from my local bookstore but it would take a long long long time until it got here. It's only in the recent months when I tried fixing things up with Amazon again could I get access to all the books worldwide with Kindle. I did manage to get some really useful apps for it though. Headspace and Buddhify allowed the most growth for me. As I'm starting to get into the books more, it really struck me how much I've learned in those two apps that were in these books. Not that these offered everything — but still a wonder to look at. In my early meditation days, I was really interested in those books that set up specific meditations for each week with explanations each. Ones that allowed a lot of practical exercises in it. Stuff like Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, Finding Peace in a Frantic World and The Mindful Way (for depression). From my more recent choices I found The Mind Illuminated to allow better insight in practical exercises for each level of meditation — I could only imagine how far I could've gotten if that book was given to me earlier. Because of Leo and this forum I've been looking into the theory side of this more. Though note — I've literally just been on this stage since April. I was especially new to the idea of a self not existing — I got better introduced in that with Peter Ralston's The Book of Not Knowing and Daniel Ingram's Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha as recommended by Leo. Though upon some reflection, some of the meditations that had to do with no self were in Headspace and Buddhify apps had meditations on this without directly talking about that the point was to get to an experience of no self. And here I was wondering how the hell I got a Non Dual experience within the first 1-2 weeks of self inquiry. In my earlier days, I learned a lot from the author Jon Zabatt Kin though — especially his Wherever You Go, There You Are. From what I remember, I found the most insightful were the particular attitudes for mindfulness. Another thing I've realized is how mindfulness is not just about the meditation practices but the idea of self awareness in general. Whatever self awareness of myself in knowing my thoughts, feelings, desires, goals, personality and cravings — it made me much more able to concentrate more in meditation and day to day life. Maybe the most important thing I've ever learned here was that to direct your attention, you had to be aware. And so I looked for all kinds of different things to be aware of in every area of my life. (I recommend this article for a start : https://scottjeffrey.com/self-awareness-activities-exercises/) Well, good luck.
  12. It seems that you're seeing this all as just one sudden thing as if the benefits would come only at the end of it. The truth is that even the benefits along the way are worth it. I first tried meditation deep in depression and saw worthwhile benefits in a few months. I saw myself getting gradually less easily frustrated. I saw myself slowly becoming more aware of my emotions. I saw myself inch by inch taking more time to be mindful of what I had to do. When unmotivated, look for the little wins. Often a good practice is to ask how you feel before and after meditation. It won't always be perfect — but whatever change there is, it could allow to continue along the way. Then after some time, you could review how you feel in previous meditations and see how it differs. Often unless you look far back enough, you won't realize how much progress there would be. People say to move on from the past. But to realize how far you've come — whether it's big or small could be a gift. The more progress comes — know that the farther you've looked back, the farther you could envision what potential there is for the future. Take care.
  13. I'm looking for new people to learn from. Any recommendations? And why? What do they have that other teachers don't? Is there any cons to learning from them?
  14. When you're criticizing a person's interest, beliefs, creations, words etc. You're not just criticizing that. You can be also criticizing their identity. Not just what they think or do but who they are as a person. Unconsciously, what people think or do is something they can change. But to them. them as a person can't change. So it takes a harder hit to their ego.
  15. Other than what @PetarKa said, these are other possiblities. Desire for fame. They want to look like heroes and gather people to praise them. Desire for admiration. They want some people or somebody to admire them. Different from fame in that it doesn't have to be that many people. It could be a certain small group or person like their parents. Desire for love. They want to be genuinely loved and appreciated in return. Think of how someone would help someone more if they fell in love with that person. Desire for influence. If you're nice, people would more likely trust and listen to you more. People can turn away someone with intelligent ideas that are too rude and distant. But there are people out there who are incompetent that can win people's hearts with their charm.