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I'm soon going to make a long and probably quite a controversial topic on the notion of suicide, or suicidality. IU've worked on it already a bit, but I'm not done yet. Right now I'm busy with other processes so it has stalled for a little bit, but it's probably going to come out in a couple of days. I have made a previous post on the topic of suicidality some two years ago, which I will link you to. However: Note that this was two years ago that I had written this, and my understanding about suicide and suicidality has deepened significantly. I had a tremendous insight into the nature of suicidality almost a year ago. But I will give you the link anyways since it may still very wel help you. Read the rest of my reply though before you click the link. https://psychcentralforums.com/depression/494523-whats-point-potent-reasons-choose-life-over.html?fbclid=IwAR3tWuDHuDFT7OOAxaMkoK8RN3xPC164po7qQ2rXEK0EjPqc43wkbonkeAM The important difference as to regard with my understanding about suicide or suicidality then and my understanding about it now, is that I've completely veered off from the idea that suicide is something that needs to be prevented, something that is evil, something that is bad and you should not do. In my realization I had almost a year ago, I realized that there is actually nothing objectively bad about the decision to commit suicide. You inherently have the freedom to do so, and God or existence will not punish you for committing it. If you commit suicide, it is my feeling that you will end up in a new incarnation in which you then get to choose the ideal conditions for your next life, also having taken into account how you have acted (including your decision to commit suicide) in your previous life. I'm not saying you will necessarily be better off in your next life —as what has not been resolved in the previous life has to be resolved in the next one, or the one after, or the one after, or the one after... It all depends whenever you decide to choose to allow spirit to guide you instead of your ego-based identity. But... suicide won't make it worse also. The unconsciousness in which you allow yourself to be possessed by that moves you to the decision to commit suicide will make it worse, but it is my feeling that the very act of suicide itself is neither good or bad. It just is. Nobody or nothing is going to punish you for the decision to commit suicide. But the ego-mind which you had decided to cling to prior to the final act of self-imposed death will make a vengeance, as suicide has not permanently resolved its identification with it. But you may get a temporary relief up until the point that the ego-mind starts re-establishing itself in the next level you are going to play in the game called life. So the whole problem with trying to prevent others or ourselves from committing suicide is that we do not understand that the ultimate purpose of life is not about survival. Whether we decide to commit suicide or not is not essential. The ego doesn't permanently evaporate when we commit suicide, but for the same coin our ego also doesn't leave us if we persist in continuing in our ego-based struggles where we insist that we must survive life at every cost, even though our life may be an almost continuous torment. In fact, to insist that we must survive life at all costs is, if we really think about it in a clear objective way, simply an absolute insanity! Because life is not about survival! It's ultimate purpose is awakening, not survival! What's the point of merely trying to survive, trying to stay positive, trying to fend off reasons and feelings that seem to support quitting the game, and trying to find and attach ourselves to reasons that seem to support our continuation of the game? (In actuality, it is the level we're quitting, but most people believe they will quit the game altogether, which I feel is impossible). Now to answer your questions: Is suicide always unconscious or possibly justified at higher stages of development at a particular context? Good question. I have heard stories about sages willfully leaving their own body because they have decided that their work is done for that particular incarnation. The stories have said however that they don't leave the body by doing something crude like hanging themselves, but that they can consciously leave their body through leaving it through the navel, as so I've heard. So I think that indeed at higher stages it can be justified. In fact, even at lower levels of consciousness if you really focus your energy and will to succeed in this one goal of taking your own life, it is in a way of looking at it more justified or at least more respectable than those who end up committing suicide in a fit of desperation. I myself had a time where I had very willfully tried to focus my energies to take my own life, trying to make it a very conscious and deliberate act. As you can tell, I had not succeeded but I really tried to devote myself to doing it. It is my feeling that if I had had succeeded in taking my own life this same spirit of devotion would have greatly benefited my next life, as opposed to doing it in a sort of eruption of repressed suicidal feelings whilst in a fit of despair. I'm not saying I would have been better off had I committed suicide, and probably not worse also. But now it has turned out to be that I get to use this same spirit of devotion in my current incarnation. True and internalized understanding of the nature of suicidality however ceases to allow any feelings of suicidal despair to ever pervade your being again. And total understanding comes only with total acceptance. In other words: if you are capable of truly and fully accepting the idea that you would or could commit suicide, that you are completely okay with it towards yourself, you would not fear it nor resist it, and thereby paradoxically the whole suicidal desire dissipates. Therefore, my devotion of me trying to commit suicide was not total; there was still judgement and resistance. Because if it was total, I would have come to total peace with my decision to do it. And if I were to come to total peace, then who wants to commit suicide when he is completely peaceful? Then the whole idea seems absurd. People at very high stages of consciousness however can decide not out of despair but out of a simple, calm understanding that this life has been outlived and that they can choose to leave their body at will to go on to the next journey. Perhaps other older people who are not as consciously developed can choose not out of despair but out of tiredness that also they have been long enough in the body and that they want leave it. But I'm not really sure about it, though. Is there a time period of going through a form of hell for the ego mind/body that commits an unconscious form of suicide that settles one's energies in order for them to be able give birth to another form of existence? If so how long does it approximately last according to human time understanding? I can't really be entirely sure but I doubt it. Not after you're already dead, I feel. Or otherwise not very long after it. However, I have heard a guru that I have a lot of respect for say that whatever your emotional state is at the time of death, it will be magnified 100x more (don't take the number too literal; I doubt it's mathematically completely accurate). So if there's bliss at that moment, bliss will be magnified 100x more, and if there's anguish, it will be magnified 100x more. Perhaps it is accurate to say that whatever egoic patterns you're holding in your body-mind structure that has been developed throughout this incarnation will have to be evaporated within a very short time span in order to release your soul from the body (which means it will be very intense for a short period of time for it to be released), and then even more deeply embedded unconscious egoic patterns that have been ingrained in the soul-level you take with you to the next incarnation —whether these egoic patterns already existed in you from previous incarnations or were created in this incarnation. That's my feeling about it, but I'm not totally sure about it. Is there a hierarchical principle of stages of life achievements and personal development at which one dies or commits suicide that determine what will one reincarnate as in samsara after some time? For example if I kill myself now at 22 having not worked a day in my life and not contributing almost nothing to society and still having pretty bad habits of being lazy will I reincarnate for example as a simpler form of life a worm or some plant and how in that context does one through the process of samsara earn to become human again? I don't think you will ever devolve this far down the line, if devolution is at all possible to begin with. That, I doubt too. My understanding in this area has yet to grow further, though. Neither not contributing to society nor being lazy nor even killing yourself I think will create negative karma. Understand the difference between the act and the quality of which you're doing it by. No act in itself creates negative karma. Any act that may seem to be valuable or honorable by standards of society but is done from a place of ego WILL create negative karma. Karma is not a punishment also; It is you allowing yourself to get more entrenched in the egoic position and thereby creating more pain in the future for yourself as there is more egoic holding patterns you have created for yourself to be detached from, which is always inevitably painful. Your quality of consciousness decides what is righteous and what is not. If you commit yourself now to the lazy life —as I had to do too— you are ought to create many valuable traits within yourself that is associated with the particular polarity in which you are devoting yourself to. Laziness can, amongst other things, be a form of guarding your own space and rediscovering your inner truth. Later down the line when the pendelum swings you towards the polarity of activity, then all the assets you have learned during your phase of laziness will then be put to use. So you are now growing the roots so that later on the tree can blossom much more vividly.

Welp, I wasnt a depressed teen, but after being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at 21 yrs old I became depressed and terrified for my future. I was depressed on/off for almost 2 decades. I'm even a suicide survivor. It wasnt until after my attempt and then finding Eckhart Tolle in 2009 that things started to turn around. However, the MS had slowed down considerably when I was in my mid thirties, enough for me to go back to work (I had been on disability) and now 40's it's like I don't even have it. Seriously, you'd never know and last MRI few yrs ago showed my lesions were shrinking. Why? Dunno. Sooo, I can say, allowing your thoughts to create misery in your mind is 99% of any battle, imo. Try to do Self-inquiry and see that the thoughts aren't you. You can see them as not yours, unloading some misery for yourself.

It doesn't work like that. Your life right now is a consequence of an infinitely long and complex chain of events. Everything and everyone is your past reincarnation, for you're not an individual in the most fundamental level... you're the Universe itself living through many forms. I'll give you an example. Suppose that the father of a small boy commits suicide and the experience is so traumatic that the boy grows mentally disturbed. What if that disturbed adult has a child? It's very likely that the child will grow under the toxic influence of his/her disturbed father. And nobody in this tragic story is a reincarnation of someone in particular. Rather, they're all the same Entity living different perspectives, thinking that they are individuals.

How does one overcome, understand and face one's suicidal thoughts and tendencies in relation: 1. to regressing heavily in personal development 2. not being fully socially adapt and contributing in some ways daily to the rest of your society and 3. not holding to one's own set values dialy that correspond with personal life goal and purpose in relation to self and others Is suicide always unconscious or possibly justified at higher stages of development at a particular context? Is there a time period of going through a form of hell for the ego mind/body that commits an unconscious form of suicide that settles one's energies in order for them to be able give birth to another form of existence? If so how long does it approximately last according to human time understanding? Is there a hierarchical principle of stages of life achievements and personal development at which one dies or commits suicide that determine what will one reincarnate as in samsara after some time? For example if I kill myself now at 22 having not worked a day in my life and not contributing almost nothing to society and still having pretty bad habits of being lazy will I reincarnate for example as a simpler form of life a worm or some plant and how in that context does one through the process of samsara earn to become human again? Does one have the one of the set goals as a newborn human being to overcome one's one inherited family problems (for example such as suicide or tendency of feud and betrayal in the family? and there is also passage in the Old testament of inherited sin, from the book of Numbers 14:18) (I am not in a suicidal mood or rut now I just had theses questions when I was but I haven't overcome the aforementioned problems in the long term yet)

I have been depressed since my early teens. I started to see light at the end of the tunnel around age 34, then I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and I fell right back down. I am 38 now. MS derailed all the progress I thought I was making and led me to actualize.org. This work has led me to the realization that to save myself as a kid, I was destroying my future happiness. I am working on uncovering my childhood vows and I am seeing how I was reinforcing my self-destruction time after time after time and it has made me so very very angry. The realization that I wasted a large chunk of my youth and 2 decades of my adulthood depressed over crap that never actually mattered infuriates me. I wish I had succeeded in my teen suicide attempts. I think part of what makes me angry is the fact that there is no one I can legitimately direct it at. I want to be angry at myself, but I didn't know any better. I want to be angry at my bullies, but I know they were just my mirror images who found a different way to cope. They didn't know any better either. I want to be angry at an adult, my mother even. "Why didn't anyone tell me I was destroying myself?" But they weren't inside my head, watching me systematically shut down all things within me that I needed to develop in order to become a relatively well-adjusted adult. So I just sit with this ball of fury In my chest, wishing I would have not been so inept at offing myself. This work is constantly reminding me of how badly I screwed myself and it's given me the ability to see some my self degradation on autopilot. It's so omnipresent, so controlling, so damaging, so demoralizing and I did it to myself. That's infuriating and this is just the beginning, i'm sure. I just don't know what to do about this anger.

Yeah, it’s very dangerous. what kid of message does the movie title: “suicide squad” give off subconsciously to those who are already full of angst and resentment...

nah.... happiness is great but its not sustainable and only leads to more suffering if that is what you are chasing. Instead, chase the peace that transcends happiness and sadness. Then it won't matter which emotional state you find yourself in. But yes, I am generally happier, and no longer want to commit suicide

Radical is not always more conscious. I could say that I believe society would be better if everyone rode on top of elephants instead of in cars to reduce carbon emission and that would certainly be radical... but definitely not more conscious. But let's be clear, though NOT everything more radical is more conscious, EVERYTHING that's more conscious IS more radical by its very nature. And if it weren't seen as radical, we'd already be doing them. It would be part of the new middle ground. We need to change the structure if we want to grow and evolve. And Centrism won't cut it. The middle ground just ensures the status quo continues and nothing gets shook up. And I also agree that we need to take all angles into account. That's precisely why I hold the views of society and politics that I do. If you actually consider the real world effect of politics and don't see politics as its own little bubble, you'll see that the "middle ground" has a lot of imbalances in it. So ironically, to be balanced, you need to change society to something more balanced... which will be seen as radical. You shouldn't define balance by "How much in the middle am I on the political spectrum compared to others in my society?" You should define balance in terms of, "What policies and worldviews should I support to help create a sense of balance and fairness in society?" And most of the most poignant balance-creating policies that would help us evolve into a less corrupt society are NOT to be found in the middle ground. Most of them are on the avant garde of mainstream society's political development (aka progressive). But furthermore, if you are a Centrist and take the "middle ground", it usually just means that you've only considered your impression of both political extremes and arbitrarily drew a mid-point in between both of those relative extremes. You haven't fundamentally done the work of venturing out into the real-world consequences of this "middle ground" thinking, and usually Centrists don't even have a clear idea of partisan groups that they've arbitrarily wedged themselves in the center of. They just go, "Hey, I think everyone should get along. So, I'm going to just support both groups because that's the nicest thing to do that creates the least amount of conflict in my life. It's more comfortable and it makes me less likely to be accused of extremism. Also, I don't need to educate myself at all, I just tout the virtues of being oh so balanced and tolerant and accepting." And that's how they decide upon their political and social views. Also, if you understand that the "middle ground" is a relative term defined by the current state of society and politics, and that so are the terms Progressive and Conservative... then you'll understand that Centrists are just as guilty of partisanship as someone who identifies as (liberal/progressive/conservative/left/right, etc.) Also, I gave two forms of what our society deems extremism in my last example... right (Nazi-ism) and left (Communism ala Stalin). I chose extreme left wing and right wing examples of societies where the "middle ground" is extreme in our view and the "extremes" are moderate in our view. But I can give plenty more... In some tribal societies, it was a "middle ground" practice to kill twins upon birth because the phenomenon was ascribed to a demon doppleganger of the original twin being birthed into society. It was extremism to even suggest there were ethical issues with this. In ancient Greece, when a woman was raped it was the "middle ground" that she was responsible for the rape as sexual impropriety on her part and she was expected to commit suicide immediately afterward to save her honor. And it was extremism for a woman to suggest she wasn't the one responsible for her rape or to stay alive. In our society, it's the "middle ground" that there is vast income inequality where the top three wealthiest people in America own more than the bottom 50% of people. In our society, it's the "middle ground" that big corporations buy favor with the government to stack the deck in favor of their interests and against the interests of the average person. In our society, (if you're American) it's the "middle ground" that public schools are funded off of property taxes, which leads to the wealthiest children having the best public schools and the poorest children having the worst public schools that struggle with funding and over-crowded classes. And it also guarantees a kind of de facto segregation where there are still poor mostly black schools and richer mostly white schools. In our society, it's the "middle ground" the people who work 40 hours per week are making poverty wages, where they can't even afford to live. And it's also the "middle ground" that the minimum wage hasn't changed in a close to a decade, despite the fact that the cost of living has increased as well as the level of productivity. In our society, (if you're American) it's the "middle ground" for people to go bankrupt due to medical debt and it's also the "middle ground" for 30k to 40k Americans die per year due to lack of insurance, under-insurance, rationing care, and not being able to afford prescriptions. So, this gives you just a little hint of the tyrannies of the "middle ground". So, if these are the "middle ground", we need to be "extreme" in order to change to a society that's more balanced and fair for ALL people. We have the capacity to do it. And if we do it, it will become the NEW middle ground eventually. And while capitulating to the center and the "middle ground", probably creates more harmony and balance in your life as a Centrist via getting along with everyone you're talking politics with in the center left and center right and not "fighting/demonizing" eachother within that 'oh so civil' conversation... you're not fundamentally considering how much imbalance these "middle ground" views are contributing to. So, actually be balanced. Actually consider things from ALL angles. Actually have a viewpoint that's based on more than just arbitrarily drawing the mid-point between the most common polarities within your particular society. Open your eyes to the actual real-world effects of your political opinions.

I feel like a woman, attracted to both trans women and women. I recently been questioning myself and discovered that I like trans women just as much as I like women, I am afraid of coming out but I know that if I don't I am going to remain depressed and alone. I keep seeming to have dreams that I am a woman.I am single and it seems like I enjoy anal which I tried using a long carrot, and I loved it quite a bit. I have had self hatred for years but due to Leo's videos I have slowly decreased my self hatred and have learned to love myself. Do you have any advice? Am I like this because I was sexually abused from like 5 -13 years old, hormone imbalance? In the past I have almost committed suicide like 4 times @Devi Shanti I even have a crush on a Shellya Wandergirlt a trans porn star.

I just watched Leo's episode on fear. I read an essay on suicide recently called "Heaven and Nature." The author said, "I felt utterly exhausted and yet quite fearless of ordinary dangers, vastly afraid of myself, but much less scared of extraneous eventualities." If all fear boils down to is fear of a total loss of self, as Leo says, then how could someone be so afraid of their own mind?

Its not really a practice for me, its a state of being. One day you just have enough so you decide to change. I had no option. It was suicide or change. When i changed, my reality changed. Just like that. Just like i said, whatever you'd like to experience in life, you must first give that energy out yourself into the world. Always goes back to the mirror analogy. Its one of my favourite quotes and people give me so much feedback for it because its absolutely true. Keep at it, get lost in it, become a completely different person, someone you'd prefer to be and soon or later you will notice something Hope this helps <3

Lol, fair enough. Okay, it's probably good you don't mention then that often the choice is suicide or spirituality!

You don't have the motivation to get better, that's understandable.. but you do have the desire it seems, and that's huge. You just don't know how it's possible. Without getting too much into it.. it's possible. Believe it. I suffered for 17 years from depression, anxiety, lots of medication, many suicide attempts and plenty of ideation. I thought it would never get better. Today this is not the case. Seek another therapist, one that you really resonate with and respect. From there you will build up the motivation to do more things that help you rather than hurt you. Also reconsider medication. If you find the right one for you, it can be a tremendous crutch to help you get through the shit while you're putting in the work. Just don't make the mistake I did and see it as a long term solution. Good luck to you and please message me if you want someone to talk to.

Hi, this is possibly a big post. I will try to put it simply. When I was in 4th grade, a guy who is elder to me showed me some porn and I felt disgusted and frightened and I run back to my home. Even before I tried to completely forget about that incident I discovered that my father has an affair with another woman when I was playing with my dad's phone. I saw nude images of this woman and from that moment I "unconsciously" developed some sort of dislike towards my father. I was like not angry on my father instead I felt sad. I kept on thinking why is he doing this. And questions like "Did someone intentionally put those pictures in my dad's phone?" A lot of other sad things happened like I heard my mother crying in the middle of the night and on one day I heard my mother talking about my father's affair with him. The thing is I did not say this to anyone. Not until my second year of engineering. In my second year of engineering, things went really bad. My behavior became worse. I always misunderstood even my few friends said. It is during this time I had mood swings and friends told me that something is really wrong with me. The worseness didn't end yet. I had committed suicide after my best friend stopped talking to me. Because I felt good in her company. I somewhat felt not good at home because of family issues. All my relation with my friends didn't go well from my second year of undergrad. My parents took me to a Psychiatrist and the doc told that I was suffering with Schizophrenia(no hallucinations) and depressional OCD. And FYI, I also have porn addiction which I developed after a long time after seeing the adult google searches made by my father when I was like in my 9th grade. I also committed suicide three more times due to depression that I was kicked out from my college course and also because my friends stopped talking to me. I only have 7 friends in during my engineering course and I surely know that my best friend thought that because of she I committed suicide. She actually tried to help me when I was having bad symptoms and she also even took me to a doc but I discontinued using the medicines. My best friend knows what happened during my childhood and actually she was the first one who know this. For sure, I know she always tried to help me but I always misunderstood. My behavior is not good at that time. I became picky about the things happening. She stopped talking to me from the moment she came to know that I committed suicide the first time(I took 17 sleeping tablets at once)....I am on medication even now and it's been more than a year I was under medication. And besides talking about all this with my doc and using medicines I still have porn addiction. Though I dont watch a porn video for more than 10-15 minutes I randomly go to a time in the video and I start masturbating and I ejaculate and I then close the incognito browser. First of all, thank you for taking time to read all my text. So I have two questions: how can I cure my addiction? I sometimes feel guilty of watching porn because I felt that I should stop watching because it's not a good thing and also that my friend would feel bad when she knows this. And my second question is after all this...I am feeling that what happened is actually good and I am also having no objection while watching Leo's videos. I am confused whether I am taking this positively or negatively. What are your views on this? And once again, THANK YOU VERY MUCH for reading my post.

I'm probably not the most qualified person to answer as I've never seriously considered suicide. It has been a few years since I felt somewhat similar. As if I was being dragged through the day by obligations that have long lost their meaning. Everything was difficult and I had to force myself to do the most simple things. Otherwise I would just stop doing anything for days. Then the anxiety, guilt and depression rose to unbearable levels and it pushed me into action again for a short while. I was scared of the future, I was on a path to even greater misery. Anyway, what turned it around for me, I spent a few weeks trying to figure out if there was anything that I actually wanted to do. The anxiety, panic, fear, guilt was so intense I was unable to think clearly. My mind was a mish mash of incoherent thoughts and anxiety. I found that when I went to hot shower it eased the anxiety and I gained a sense of clarity temporarily. I spent like 10hrs each day under the hot shower, racking up huge bills, lol. At first I couldn't find anything. Then I imagined if I was a wizard and could do literally anything I wanted, would I still sit in my apartment all day do nothing? I would totally do awesome things then, but it's just that I'm not a wizard and I can't do anything in real life. Then it dawned on me that there actually was something that I wanted to do just that I thought it was not possible. Some time later I broke out of victim thinking and realized I actually can do the things I want in real life without needing to be a wizard. This turned everything around for me and I've changed my life quite a bit since then. I had a career too that I went to university for and spent 5+ years working on which I quit and started something else which I'm still happy with. I'm not suggesting you to quit or do anything rash. Try to figure out if there is a desire in your gut to do something. Maybe the things you want have changed but you feel obligated to continue doing old things since you've already invested so much into them.

Second of week resuming journaling Monday - I got up before 7:30 am to go workout at the gym. I started working out at 8:50 am and finished at around 10:45 am. I felt good about getting it done early in the day. After I got home, I showered, ate, and then got ready for my online meeting with my Placement Academic Review counselor. The meeting was to some extent disappointing due to how it was conducted. She seemed quite rigid with the way that she asked the questions and how I had to answer them. I didn't get the chance to tell how I thought or felt about my time as a student teacher. After the meeting, I talked with my parents for about an hour about the meeting. Then, I took a long break and stressed out about how I am gonna make it anywhere in life. Then, I meditated until my girlfriend got home. Afterwards, I helped her rake the leaves on her back patio. Later on, when I told my girlfriend that I decided to agree with my parents's advice on going back up on the dosage for an anti-depressant the pill that I've been taking, she got very upset with me for the rest of the night, even as we watched the season premiere of Dancing with the Stars. Overall, I felt very stressed out about my life. Tuesday - I woke up feeling a little sick with a stuffy nose so I slept in somewhat late. I then had a talk with my parents over the phone discussing my future. I finished my job application for a seasonal position of being a Sales Associate at Party City for Halloween. I didn't really do much work or studying. I did some laundry including cleaning my clothes and our bed sheets. I have been continuing to take the increased dosage of the anti-depressant, but so far no change in mood yet. I brought in mailed packages for my girlfriend. I helped my girlfriend make dinner and we watched some TV. I felt so lost and hopeless about my life. I also felt very ashamed of how much I've accomplished. Wednesday - I went to the gym early in the morning again. However, I stayed there for at least 4 hours. I felt bad for staying that long. After getting back home, I showered, ate, and then talked with my parents on the phone for a while. Over the phone, I found out that my sister was being sent to the hospital to get induced by the medical staff for the delivery of her newborn baby. One of the things we talked about on the phone was whether or not I should come back home this weekend and if my girlfriend would be willing to drive me to my parents' home. My girlfriend said that she like she would too tired to drive with me to their place. So, I discussed with my parents about train transportation options; however, after we tried to figure out the best schedule for me to ride home on the train, we decided that it was too much trouble to figure it out and that I should just stay with my girlfriend over the weekend. I took a long break including doing some PNF stretching for my hamstrings. Holly and her friends/coworkers invited me to have dinner with them at an Asian tea restaurant right after they finished working at their job. She told me over the phone to not be late with getting ready to pick me up and go with her. However, I ended up being ready a few minutes late, and she got pissed about that. She said that she couldn't take it anymore and that maybe I should go back to my parents' place tomorrow. On our way to the dinner meetup I felt very bad about being late and the number of times I messed up with my timing. When we arrived at the restaurant, we got there only a couple minutes later than her friends/coworkers did. So, I didn't have to feel bad about making them wait for a bit. During the meetup, we enjoyed ourselves and I think that my girlfriend cooled down over me being late with getting ready for them. After we got home, we watched one of our favorite shows, Supernatural, on Netflix until we got ready for bed. I felt relieved that she was no longer upset with me, but I still felt really down and stressed about my life overall up through the middle of the night. Thursday - I woke a little late, but not as late as I did on Tuesday. My parents called me and told me that after deliberating more on what I should do, they felt that it would be best if I took a year off from school and get ready for the placement next time by having a job for a year to get enough work experience and skills for myself. I freaked out about that because I didn't want to have to take off another year from school. I didn't do much during the morning, but around Noon and up through the afternoon, I spent a lot of time vacuuming much of her bedroom floor, ceiling, and walls. It was a pain to move her clothes and shoes out of the way for vacuuming and then having to put all of it back to where they were before (as best as I could remember). However, I was proud of myself for having accomplished that both for overall neatness and our health. My girlfriend seemed a bit surprised, but appreciative of me having done it for her. Later on, when she came back home, I helped get rid of some old shoes she no longer liked or needed. Then, I did my long distance running training. After my run, I showered and got ready to go grocery shopping with my girlfriend. As we went shopping, I got a phone call from my mom and she was telling how very stressed she is about my sister's delivery of her newborn child within the hospital and about me possibility doing something regrettable for my school/career like trying to approach the teacher, staff, and school where my placement was cancelled at, even though I was told not to contact the school at all. However, I reassured her that I promise I wouldn't do anything stupid or crazy and she calmed down. I told my girlfriend about that and she felt that my mom was overreacting as usual. After we got the food, we made dinner and watched more Supernatural on Netflix. During the rest of the night, I felt somewhat nervous about my sister and her baby. I took a Benadryl to help me sleep at night, which I think helped to some extent. Overall, I felt I had a more productive day than my previous days. Friday - I woke up a bit late again. I talked to my parents on the phone again about what to do with my life. I did calisthenics training outside on my girlfriend's property. I am getting used to doing them on the pavement. I then did my PNF stretching for the front splits. I felt bad about not doing them earlier yesterday, but I was glad that I at least got one of those PNF stretching sessions for the week in. Then, I ate my breakfast and lunch late. Afterwards, I had another long talk with my parents on the phone about my career and they said that they still prefer me to find a part-time for a year. I told that I haven't gotten any acceptances for the bunch of jobs I applied to and that I am really worried about finding any kind of job at all. They told me that I have to keep applying for more jobs, including maybe ones that might fit someone like me with my qualifications. They also said that they sincerely doubt that I wouldn't find some kind of decent job given how good the job market in this country is out there. However, I still believe in the possibility of never finding any kind of fair job, or perhaps any of any kind. One reason, I feel this way due to having already been rejected from a few basic part-time positions at a hotel I applied to and still haven't received any good news from any of the businesses I applied to for jobs they seem to have available. Another reason, is that I've already heard stories of people who like me are young and able and willing to work seriously at any job, but have applied to hundreds of jobs for at least a year and still couldn't even get one job, despite being in a period of a good job economy for their county, and even with the improvements they consistently made to their resume overtime and being in a good job economy. The only thing good that really happened today was when I was told the news of my sister having finally given birth successfully to her newborn daughter. I was relieved and happy for my sister of course. Later at night, we had dinner and watched a dumb comedy movie. Overall today, I felt doomed and so incredibly frustrated with my life. Saturday - I woke up at little after 9 am today, ate breakfast, washed my face, and got ready to go to Hapkido in the morning. I went there until the afternoon. My groove with teaching the beginners class seemed to be coming back. Right before class when I had to cut my nails, I accidentally broke the nail clipper I took with me to the studio, which made me frustrated. I didn't get to cut all of my finger nails before the clipper broke and it was about that time I had to teach the beginners class, so I got worried about what people were going to think about my nails when I teach class and afterwards. Yet, I figured I had no choice and it wasn't really that big of a deal. I got through the class fine and then finished clipping the rest of my fingernails as best as I could with the broken clipper, which I successfully did with some brute force. As for the blackbelt class, it was actually relatively easy, which was nice. Before I left the studio, I told some of the people I knew well including Master Kim about my newborn niece, which they congratulated me for. That felt nice. When I got home, I worked for a few hours on catching up on all of these personal journal entries for this week and did a little work on my experimentation plan for my PAR process. I felt stressed about how much work I had to catch up on and I had trouble concentrating on doing the tasks. Afterwards, I had to help my girlfriend clean the kitchen. During that time, I felt very depressed and angry with my life. I even had some suicidal thoughts. These negative thoughts and feelings lingered for hours longer into the evening as we went to the Good Will store and then to the Whole Foods grocery store. When we got home and had dinner we watch some old Eddie Murphy comedy, which was not really great, imo. So, we turned it off and played with each other for a bit before she decided to go have her shower. As she start getting her shower ready, I called my mom and we spoke on FaceTime showing me an update on her garage issue and discussing with me about what more that needs to be done with it. I showed her a small part of my gf's apartment and her cat and my mom got curious about all of it. My girlfriend came out of the bathroom and asked me what I was doing, so we ended the phone conversation with my mom saying hi and goodnight to her and then my mom and I saying good night to each other. My girlfriend didn't like that I showed my mom any of her place. She then walked off to check her phone and decided to call her best friend up to see how things were going with her. Meanwhile, I decided to finish the rest of my daily journal entries. I believe that I am now all caught up with all of my daily journal entries, which is a significant relief for me. Sunday - I woke up late with my girlfriend and we had some physical intimacy. Then, we got up and I had breakfast, washed my face, and got ready to help her clean up the kitchen. When we were cleaning the kitchen, I felt so down and angry about my life. I thought about not being able to take anymore pain of rejection and loss of anything else in life. I contemplated suicide again. After we got done cleaning up the kitchen, we took a bit of a break and then she decided to go shopping with her best friend while I decided to stay home and work on my PAR process plan and ways to improve my student teaching experience. After searching through much of the internet, I couldn't really find any solutions or ideas that seemed helpful for my particular situation. I also looked up the student teaching placement handbook sent by one of my academic advisors, and I felt disheartened when I noticed that one part of it mentioned that being dismissed from a placement again could result in dismissal from the entire teaching program. Consequently, I got even more stressed out about it. I felt more anxious about my capabilities and scared about how ruthless life can be. After she got back home and finished my lunch meal, we continued cleaning up the place including me cleaning the bathroom sink, mirror, and toiletry placed on the sink. After, I finished all of that, I sat on the couch looking very sad which my girlfriend noticed. She asked me how I can be happier to which I said "finding a way to ensure a career for my future." We talked about it until I went to the gym.

Thanks for the thoughtful responses eveyone! There's some good information in this thread! Update: She had a suicide attempt about a week and a half ago. She seems to be doing a lot better now. She's now open to getting help, but still hesitant. I've learned that her family situation is pretty rough, and that it's contributed a lot to these issues. We've gotten a lot closer over the past month. She really is very sweet, caring and accepting despite her mental health issues. I really want to make this work but am starting to understand that it might be necessary to step away @Leo Gura Thanks for your insights on this topic! I'll keep that in mind as I move forward. At a certain point I might have to accept that there isn't gonna be a way to make things work. @remember That's important to keep in mind as well. Individual situations are distinct, so our judgement shouldn't be clouded by trying to fit a story to some abstract stereotype of "the toxic relationship".

A doctor who focuses the 10000 hours on studying medicine his enlightened colleague spent doing self-enquiry is likely to have 10000 more hours of medical knowledge , with a bigger knowledge base to draw upon. I would therefore think his chances of making a mistake would be lower. A truly enlightened doctor is one who values truth, and is probably doing less clinical practise in a system which is not fit for purpose. He would be able to do this by living his life to avoid wage slavery and have enough self-awareness to move away from an abusive system which is haemorrhaging doctors and where the suicide rate should be a cause of concern.

I don't think you should stop teaching as there are other perspectives or people who observe your teachings. You gave these two options 1) You don't really exist. You are just a figment of my imagination. The entire world is just for me. In other words, total solipsism. This is the teaching which drives people to commit suicide and helps nobody. It's totally pointless and makes people even more isolated and disconnected from each other. The strangest thing of all is how so few people point this out and appear to really enjoy the videos where you say these things. 2) God subdivided itself into separate dimensions, one of which is mine and one of which is yours. Of course since both of us are God, both of us are being both dimensions at once. So I and you are literally one consciousness but experiencing different forms. This one, although pretty unsettling, makes much more sense. God has done a pretty shit job and isn't really all that powerful if all it can do is become Shaun and live as Shaun.

Exactly what @Leo Gura said. I've been in that situation before AND the girl was willing to actually put the effort in it and research her problems and go to therapy with and without me and it was still a struggle and didn't work out. This is the recipe for an EXTREMELY co-dependent relationship. You only have a sliver of hope if she can realize that her behaviors are issues and is willing to work it out. If not, 0% chance to make it work. Not even 1%. I would personally get out now before she gets even more invested and Leo is right, you will get threats of suicide when you distance yourself then. Fix your own issues to the point that you don't attract or are immediately aware of people with severe issues before too much investment sink in. You will grow regardless but IMO, choose a more quality growing experience. I'm sure she is a quality person and all this doesn't remove her positive attributes but in having a successful, healthy relationship; positive attributes don't outweigh negative ones.

Yes, absolutely! It's magnificent and ingenious. Still, it is a crutch that can be overcome. OH, and to answer your title question: No. While your identity is dying, this is not suicide. You are not the identities you assume.

What's there to live for when someone is fully detatched? If I detatched from everything, i wouldn't mind if my family gets raped and butchered and I wouldn't care if I lived in a small box and I had to shit there and eat there at the same time. Or i wouldn't care if someone puts a knife on my throat and cuts it open. It just seems too much for me. It's either impossible to become totally detatched or it makes you a suicidal person who doesn't give a shit. And small degrees of "overcomming fear" won't fucking matter because fear of death or losing loved ones will always be there.

The user DOtheWork recently created a thread, and unfortunately it got locked as soon as I posted my reply, so I have to post it here: @DoTheWork This is NOT "total awakening". When one is always living in the present in the moment, boredom simply doesn't exist. This is a classic example of ego thinking it totally "awakened". Take a break from psychedelics and work on observing your own ego-mechanism. This is a very serious issue, because a lot of people with big "spiritual" egos who start doing powerful psychedelics, very frequently delude themselves during the trips. What happens? The ego sneaks through the backdoor and starts to overtake the narrative. People report "channeling", talking with "entities", , living in many different dimensions at the same time, etc - not recognizing the imagery that they see and experience during the trips is just part of divine imagination. Because of this, a lot of people including LEO, delude themselves very heavily and think that they have "directly" experience something, when it was just their ego operating. (example: Channeling God, keyword "channeling" ) This is coming from somebody who has done a lot of psychedelics (including 20 5-MEO DMT trips and 40+ N, N-DMT). It is a huge trap (one of many), that even LEO as you can see is not immune to. Transcript of what that user posted can be found here: ------------------------------------------------------------------------- I consider myself being twin of Leo... I have experienced all of the stuff he talks in his videos + have very similar personality. My background: 30 y/old male, Europe Many years of HARDCORE spiritual path. - Clean eating, mostly RAW (no wheat, no dairy, a little meat) - Being aware ALL DAY LONG - 16 hours a day - Contemplation and Self Inquiry 3 hours a day - Meditating in PITCH BLACK room 3 hours a day before midnight (strong determination sitting) - Concentration exercises - ejaculating max once per 2 weeks - Psychedelics (often): 15x 5-MeO-DMT HCL trips 30x 5-Meo-DMT Freebase trips 20x 4-Aco-DMT Fumarate trips 35x DMT Freebase trips 8x DPT trips 60x Weed trips 5x LSD trips 10x 2c-b trips + some near death experiences And some others. Many of my trips happened in pitch black darkness. Always WITHOUT trip sitter. I have had many "TOTAL" awakenings + experienced many paranormal, mystical phenomena and Kundalini awakening. Third eye opening etc... I have experienced many logically impossible experiences. Sober or under psychedelics. I consider myself Awakened consciousness, yet there are infinite degrees of awakening more left. DO YOU GET IT? After MANY infinite trips you will get it. YES, there are degrees to awakening. I have experienced MANY lifetimes. In fact, I have experienced ALL possible lifetimes that have existed, exist now or will exist when having many of my mystical experiences. I have had trips, where I experienced ALL POSSIBLE LIFETIMES OF ALL POSSIBLE CREATURES in 6 hours. Entire lifetimes... YES! All possible creatures. 5-legged ones, or just beings made of energy only, or creature with not 5 or 6 senses but 300 senses etc... Sounds impossible? Well... If you do HARDCORE practices, you can experience many hardcore stuff. This story about Big Bang and Planet Earth IS JUST ONE OF INFINITE MORE STORIES in infinite more dimensions. I attained THOUSANDS of "spiritual" insights. Most of them are impossible to put into words and sentences. "You are God" is just one of INFINITE MORE SPIRITUAL INSIGHTS. I can't describe this statement more, because of the limit of language. There is INFINITE deepness. In other dimensions I took psychedelics 10000s times potent than DPT. There are infinite more colors than you can see now in this current dimension. Be very open-minded reading next lines please. After many years of being "spiritual"... After my last awakening, I realised that this whole spiritual path is just ONE story of infinite other meaningless stories. Chasing this whole "who am I?" thing is just of many possible stories and is AS MEANINGLESS AS ANY OTHER STORY. I awakened to total meaninglessness. TOTAL. THERE IS NO OTHER PLACE TO BE. I can't escape THIS being. There is only being. I experienced that no matter what I do, even if I kill myself, I will be reborn infinite times more. In fact I have literally physically experienced dying and killing myself in other dimensions just to realise that I can't escape this BEING thing. After you die, you can choose to "enjoy" formlessness for infinity. BUT that infinity is so infinite, that is finite. Basically, that INFINITY will feel like blink of the eye, and you will get "bored" and will reborn "instantly", after you get bored being formless. READ THAT AGAIN. In other words: HUMAN DIES, BABY IS BORN. INSTANTLY. You can't escape... There is only Existence. No form of suicide is enough. Thanks to this insight, this exact life that I live now, is exactly good as any other life. No life is better than other life. Thanks to many mystical experiences I realised that businessman has his sufferings and joys, is the same as homeless man has his pains and joys. No difference. And here comes my question.... Question that no one of you can answer... Because I have used infinite times more potent stuff than your tiny limited human mind, YET I am still searching for answer. WHAT TO DO NOW? The thing is, I feel like there is no higher "level" to reach. I have experienced mahasamadhi in other lifetimes, I have reached TOP OF THE TOP levels of Existence... I have experienced toppest of the tops, I always ended up in some limited dimension. And Now I want to suffer again. That is the reason I have chosen not to have mahasamadhi in this life (I had many opportunities to have mahasamadhi in this life) You were God infinite lifetimes before, and now you forgot you wanted to experience being limited again. You forgot you have put yourself here just to limit yourself again. JUST CAUSE. Because you can. I WANT TO BE HUMAN AGAIN AND TO HAVE ROLLERCOASTER LIFE OF EMOTIONS AND ILLUSIONS. I want to forget I am God... But I know too much. Too much.... I am serious. After TOTAL ENLIGHTENMENT, after THE HIGHEST HIGH, there is only a way down. I just want to warn EVERYBODY: THERE ARE INSIGHTS that will destroy your life, your motivations, your everything. There are insights so shocking that will paralyze you. You will lose interest for friends, movies, music, just about everything. It feels like know everything, have been everything, been everywhere, have done everything... In every dimension I have lived, there is always this "OMG now I know too much, and there's no way back" level. After that insight, life in that dimension becomes very "meaningless"... In every dimension there are illusions similar to "Maya", just to protect you. To protect you from "knowing too much" so you can continue enjoying the show. It feels like the "secret" of Maya have its purpose here in this dimension. Knowing too much (being awakened) in whatever dimension leads to being unfulfilled. It's like cheating... Do you enjoy playing a game with "GODMODE: ON" cheat? If I could choose again, I would not choose to awaken. This world is made to be for unconscious beings. Now I have a 2 choices. Just watching everything, just observing this miraculous colorful explosion. orPut myself again into Matrix and forget who am I. And I think I want to forget. But how? How could I? How could I deceive myself again? Basically, I want to warn you... KNOWING "TOO MUCH" and being robbed of "mandatory" illusions will leave you unsatisfied... TOTAL ENLIGHTENMENT leads later to total unconsciousness. It's a strange loop. Even being infinite love will soon or later lead to infinite suffering. You are THE CHANGE. You want CHANGE. Don't ask me why... YES, I am saying very radical stuff. I have experienced many lives in other dimensions being only "LOVE". But after some time, even LOVE will seem boring. You will not enjoy your "total awakening" to the infinity... At one point, you basically get bored and want to enjoy being unconscious jerk again... Soon or later, you may be interested in being Zen Devil just for the sake of doing it.That's why you see many spiritual gurus having affairs and being zen devils.There is something deep you can get from this post, but I don't know how to communicate it better, because I am not native english speaker. Have a nice day. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I consider myself being twin of Leo... I have experienced all of the stuff he talks in his videos + have very similar personality. My background: 30 y/old male, Europe Many years of HARDCORE spiritual path. - Clean eating, mostly RAW (no wheat, no dairy, a little meat) - Being aware ALL DAY LONG - 16 hours a day - Contemplation and Self Inquiry 3 hours a day - Meditating in PITCH BLACK room 3 hours a day before midnight (strong determination sitting) - Concentration exercises - ejaculating max once per 2 weeks - Psychedelics (often): 15x 5-MeO-DMT HCL trips 30x 5-Meo-DMT Freebase trips 20x 4-Aco-DMT Fumarate trips 35x DMT Freebase trips 8x DPT trips 60x Weed trips 5x LSD trips 10x 2c-b trips + some near death experiences And some others. Many of my trips happened in pitch black darkness. Always WITHOUT trip sitter. I have had many "TOTAL" awakenings + experienced many paranormal, mystical phenomena and Kundalini awakening. Third eye opening etc... I have experienced many logically impossible experiences. Sober or under psychedelics. I consider myself Awakened consciousness, yet there are infinite degrees of awakening more left. DO YOU GET IT? After MANY infinite trips you will get it. YES, there are degrees to awakening. I have experienced MANY lifetimes. In fact, I have experienced ALL possible lifetimes that have existed, exist now or will exist when having many of my mystical experiences. I have had trips, where I experienced ALL POSSIBLE LIFETIMES OF ALL POSSIBLE CREATURES in 6 hours. Entire lifetimes... YES! All possible creatures. 5-legged ones, or just beings made of energy only, or creature with not 5 or 6 senses but 300 senses etc... Sounds impossible? Well... If you do HARDCORE practices, you can experience many hardcore stuff. This story about Big Bang and Planet Earth IS JUST ONE OF INFINITE MORE STORIES in infinite more dimensions. I attained THOUSANDS of "spiritual" insights. Most of them are impossible to put into words and sentences. "You are God" is just one of INFINITE MORE SPIRITUAL INSIGHTS. I can't describe this statement more, because of the limit of language. There is INFINITE deepness. In other dimensions I took psychedelics 10000s times potent than DPT. There are infinite more colors than you can see now in this current dimension. Be very open-minded reading next lines please. After many years of being "spiritual"... After my last awakening, I realised that this whole spiritual path is just ONE story of infinite other meaningless stories. Chasing this whole "who am I?" thing is just of many possible stories and is AS MEANINGLESS AS ANY OTHER STORY. I awakened to total meaninglessness. TOTAL. THERE IS NO OTHER PLACE TO BE. I can't escape THIS being. There is only being. I experienced that no matter what I do, even if I kill myself, I will be reborn infinite times more. In fact I have literally physically experienced dying and killing myself in other dimensions just to realise that I can't escape this BEING thing. After you die, you can choose to "enjoy" formlessness for infinity. BUT that infinity is so infinite, that is finite. Basically, that INFINITY will feel like blink of the eye, and you will get "bored" and will reborn "instantly", after you get bored being formless. READ THAT AGAIN. In other words: HUMAN DIES, BABY IS BORN. INSTANTLY. You can't escape... There is only Existence. No form of suicide is enough. Thanks to this insight, this exact life that I live now, is exactly good as any other life. No life is better than other life. Thanks to many mystical experiences I realised that businessman has his sufferings and joys, is the same as homeless man has his pains and joys. No difference. And here comes my question.... Question that no one of you can answer... Because I have used infinite times more potent stuff than your tiny limited human mind, YET I am still searching for answer. WHAT TO DO NOW? The thing is, I feel like there is no higher "level" to reach. I have experienced mahasamadhi in other lifetimes, I have reached TOP OF THE TOP levels of Existence... I have experienced toppest of the tops, I always ended up in some limited dimension. And Now I want to suffer again. That is the reason I have chosen not to have mahasamadhi in this life (I had many opportunities to have mahasamadhi in this life) You were God infinite lifetimes before, and now you forgot you wanted to experience being limited again. You forgot you have put yourself here just to limit yourself again. JUST CAUSE. Because you can. I WANT TO BE HUMAN AGAIN AND TO HAVE ROLLERCOASTER LIFE OF EMOTIONS AND ILLUSIONS. I want to forget I am God... But I know too much. Too much.... I am serious. After TOTAL ENLIGHTENMENT, after THE HIGHEST HIGH, there is only a way down. I just want to warn EVERYBODY: THERE ARE INSIGHTS that will destroy your life, your motivations, your everything. There are insights so shocking that will paralyze you. You will lose interest for friends, movies, music, just about everything. It feels like know everything, have been everything, been everywhere, have done everything... In every dimension I have lived, there is always this "OMG now I know too much, and there's no way back" level. After that insight, life in that dimension becomes very "meaningless"... In every dimension there are illusions similar to "Maya", just to protect you. To protect you from "knowing too much" so you can continue enjoying the show. It feels like the "secret" of Maya have its purpose here in this dimension. Knowing too much (being awakened) in whatever dimension leads to being unfulfilled. It's like cheating... Do you enjoy playing a game with "GODMODE: ON" cheat? If I could choose again, I would not choose to awaken. This world is made to be for unconscious beings. Now I have a 2 choices. Just watching everything, just observing this miraculous colorful explosion. or Put myself again into Matrix and forget who am I. And I think I want to forget. But how? How could I? How could I deceive myself again? Basically, I want to warn you... KNOWING "TOO MUCH" and being robbed of "mandatory" illusions will leave you unsatisfied... TOTAL ENLIGHTENMENT leads later to total unconsciousness. It's a strange loop. Even being infinite love will soon or later lead to infinite suffering. You are THE CHANGE. You want CHANGE. Don't ask me why... YES, I am saying very radical stuff. I have experienced many lives in other dimensions being only "LOVE". But after some time, even LOVE will seem boring. You will not enjoy your "total awakening" to the infinity... At one point, you basically get bored and want to enjoy being unconscious jerk again... Soon or later, you may be interested in being Zen Devil just for the sake of doing it. That's why you see many spiritual gurus having affairs and being zen devils. There is something deep you can get from this post, but I don't know how to communicate it better, because I am not native english speaker. Have a nice day.

There is none. God is not infinitely powerful. That is why he succumbs to devilry, and all he can do is devilry and if he somehow escapes the wonderful hallucinatory fireworks of devilry he will be in an existential crisis so either he will commit suicide (finding the meaningless of it all) or become an existentialist like Nietzche (looking into the abyss, finding one's own meaning (Ubermensch)) , Camus (Rebellion) , Kierkegaard (finding solace in God). That is the consequence of the void that is created. And the only thing that God can do to avoid the above fates mentioned is to awaken to this void, and realize that he himself is the void. God is but a bubble of energy in a realm of infinite Gods.