Search the Community

I am unsure on what I have experience or if I can even communicate it in words. I was doing the neti neti method using Leo's video as a guide just before bed. As the video played my body was experiencing a lot of things it was overwhelming. I tried to locate who is experiencing these sensation... as I try to look and identify with the I....it felt hopelessly absolute...this nothing. Then sudden loneliness rush all over me my body convulsed then tears poured. It wasn't out of sadness but acknowledgement. Then I woke up...it was 4am. As I write this at work...I went through my morning routine and I can't help but feel happy...it is the way it should be. Nothing more nothingless.

In my humble opinion this is most potent self inquiry gudie on yt for beginners i got my first awakening after doing this for 2 weeks. It breaks all traps of self inquiry such as menttal mastrubation, monkey mind.... So radical, this is masterpiece

Go here , (excellent PDF by Sri Sadhu Om), and read what self inquiry is really meant to be in accordance with Ramana's teaching. It does away with many mis-conceptions regarding self inquiry and it's practice. Real self inquiry is Self-Attention,which means keeping the attention on the already inherent,unlearned,natural knowledge/knowing "I AM". It's to Be aware of Being i.e.,Be aware of your own primordial existence (amness). Minus objective thoughts (i.e.,mind), body,breath and the 5 senses(tasting,feeling,smelling,hearing,seeing). The already abiding knowledge "I AM" ,that is prior to any words,thoughts or feeling.The silent,empty background of awareness. This silent, thoughtless "I Am", is pure consciousness,Pure Being,devoid of objectness or self- individual identification. Attending to this "awareness of pure existence" is what Nisargdatta Maharaj referred to as "abiding in the knowledge/knowing (i.e.,the awareness) "I Am" , to the exclusion of all else. This is proper self inquiry or Self-attention. Who or What am I?,is a question to bring one directly to the 'emptiness" of "self" or the "small I-ego" also known as the "I-thought". Abiding in that "emptiness" of "no individual self" or "I"-thought, is an effortless relaxing of attention,and a resting (i.e.,abiding),in Pure Being. "Emptiness" or "empty" means,free of the conditioned attachment to a conflicting, dualistic and presupposed concept of a non-existent, personal identity (ego). The link above should clear up a lot of questions regarding Ramana's self inquiry. The guide also clears up the differences in his more direct teaching vs. Vedantic self inquiry. Both approaches are valid,but Raman's is more direct in avoiding a lot of the "neti,neti(not this,not this)" process involved in traditional Vedantic inquiry. Note that for self inquiry, or any contemplative technique or exercise,a quiet-silent mind is conducive and the majority opinion of those experienced with such. An agitated,busy mind is highly counterproductive to self inquiry. This is where meditation and/or pranayama as a means to quiet the inner workings/activity of the mind are invaluable. The gate-less gate to God, is in our own inner silence and stillness.

Equating attention with narcissism? I am very sorry for your ego, man . You are an ego. The story you live out is important, and you are important too. The meta-narrative you're providing is no more valid than living out the story of being a loving person from the point of view of the absolute. Your aunt that is dying of cancer gave you the dog you've been playing with as a child. That dog has been severely mistreated and can't function properly among humans. You don't need that dog for anything because it so happens that you are a functioning, but lonely individual. Don't talk about other people. It's your dog. You are not talking about anything. You are playing neti-neti with me. Talk, for once. Woof!

Here's a list for the things I know about you: You're male. You're married. You're Polish. You have multiple journals on this forum. You took LSD last month or so, and realised some things. Assuming that I know more than that requires me giving you a lot of attention. It's kind of narcissistic to think so, don't you think? You're obviously not the most important person in my life. Because if I want to be completely honest, I can't. It's not possible. I'm simply using the neti-neti with you. Not denying your stories, and not hiding behind smoke screens. No sir. ? That's a funny example. You already mentioned one way of how power is used in that hierarchy. But I will tell you exactly how power is the basis of that dynamic: First of all, like you said, a dog isn't conscious that it can kill me because it has been raised in captivity. But what is raising dogs in captivity but forcing power? That's the core of the dynamic, and it's completely based on power. Second, no. I don't teach the dog out of concern for his safety. That's just a story that people like to tell themselves and others, a nice cover they put on a 'zombies' magazine, to remain asleep. Thus, tricking the dog, themselves, and other people. But not me, haha ? I can easily see through their bullshit. The real motives behind having a dog and teaching him, etc... basically converge at preserving a 'status quo' among other people (stage Orange), or at living in the story of being a caring and a loving person (Blue or Green). Both of which, boil down to gaining more power in order to climb up the hierarchy. That's how the ego works, and that's how sneaky it is. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's also the ego at stage Yellow and beyond, but it's more tricky and slippery. Believe it or not. You don't need to worry about what paradigm you operate from, as long as you are aware of it. What I'm talking about goes beyond disidentification from negative emotions, way way beyond. It transcends the duality of passive vs. active effort.

Garbage answer. Thanks anyways. I woke up and remembered Neti Neti. First thought upon waking. Thanks Leo!

@Peo Ask Who is the one who is frustrated mind will say "me" then see that you are aware of that answer so you cant be that Ask again who is that is aware and look. Or you can try to do neti neti - not this not that step by step go through all body parts, emotions feelings, thoughts images and see that they are not constant you are but then who are you.... if you get to the peace or no mind stayin that place or focus on awarness omnipresent I hope that helps

How can I possibly not be this body. I get that Neti Neti shows that I am not located in the feet. But I still feel my feet, and I don't feel yours.

Self Inquiry and Loving Heart (for lack of a better term) are the practices. One is the neti-neti, the other the yeti-yeti. One excludes all, the other welcomes all. One is totally empty, the other totally full. One is totally alone, the other is totally together. They are really similar.

Nature & unnatural are perspectives. Being 100% down with nature...just spent days ‘in it’...not bashing nature at all, or pointing to “unnatural”...I’m just saying consider a neti neti approach too... Like sit in nature and say, “how am I not at all like that tree”...”in what ways am I not like that rabbit”...etc. What about “my” or this experience is different? There is a worthwhile revelation in it. Another pointer through analogy might be...I am dream, I love being surrounded by this dream, it’s alive and wonderful. And also saying...in what ways am I not like this dream? A noteworthy contemplation might be something like ....How come I’m not reacting at all to what I think that squirrel is thinking about me? He’s lookin right at me, he must be perceiving me, he must be thinking about me. Must he though? Does the squirrel think he was born, too? Does the tree? It’s being, so it must be thinking about being, right? This would have to be pretty elaborate if the tree is being, yet not perceiving me, - is not thinking about me. Why are all the trees thinking there are all the trees? Maybe intelligence has nothing to do with trees. Maybe it has everything to do with them. Ever occurred to you to ask one, and actually listen to the answer? *Again - in addition to, not opposite of.

@Salvijus @winterknight Dear winterknight my understanding so for is Self Enquiry is getting rid of sense of I am.Focussing on I am till it vanishes. Self Enquiry is getting rid of the identity. Neti Neti is the basic fundamental principle that the what ever perceived cannot be the perceiver. Self enquiry technique is based on this principle of Neti Neti or the perceived cannot be the perceiver. So what is this i am feeling ? Thats self enquiry - Now why self enquiry need to be done and why the I am sense must be annihilated ? (The body mind i thought i am) all are appearing in conciousness. So why it is important to get rid of I am feeling ? Or the yogis or meditators made it so complex ???? Like vedantins say there is no need of meditation no need of samadhi ? ??? -------------------------------------------------------

Neti neti is just a concept. Self-inquiry properly done is a focus on something which seems to be literally in your experience every second -- the sense that "I am." No method is effective unless it gets you to look closely at this "I am"... all the other rivers just lead to that in the end. It's not really comprehensible until your ignorance (which doesn't exist) is gone. Basically ignorance is a concept... all concepts are false. That's what enlightenment reveals.

What's the difference between atma-vichara, self-inquiry form like Ramana Maharshi or Mooji is teaching and neti neti? I sometimes feel like there're many ways to do self-inquiry. But they all seem to produce somewhat different results. Like they have a differerent taste when you do them. Yet it also feels like the basis is the same. Sometimes I observe the effort, sometimes I observe the movement of my mind, sometimes I observe my identity or self-image, sometimes I question who sees the self-image, sometimes I do neti neti, not this, not this while also observing the identity, person. So many ways to do it. Is it all the same or It's actually different?

Kryia yoga 25/30 mins Neti neti 30 mins I'm very disorganized in my style though, I'm missing a few days here and there. However I think there is an element of health to this, but I also feel as though it's very very powerful to do it EVERY SINGLE DAY. Get enlightened, and realise that I am not one of many humans who is also becoming enlightened...but that I am infact the only one who will ever be enlightened.

Belief is a big big problem. It's just another trap. A week old baby has veryyyy little knowledge/belief about anything and thus is closer to enlightenment than most of the people here. If you cannot understand this, then your not gonna get far before you set up camp in the realm of blind faith. You might as well go join Islam or Christianity. The thing that leo is trying to point you to is in your direct experience RIGHT FUCKING NOW, and nowhere else. Leo has never experienced "you", but you have! Notice...Leo is not an expert about you, nobody is...the only one who truly knows you, is you. See this. See how everyone else can never experience you, like you do. Do not believe, do not disbelieve, find the one who created both. The ONLY thing that increases consciousness are kryia, vepaasana, neti neti, phycs, retreats. Everything else is a complete illusion. Remember, the only one in the entirety of existence who has ever experienced "you" IS YOU. Not leo. Leo is within your imagination. As am I.

@tsuki AHAHA please man! you finally made me understand existence is nothing! it doesn't even matter about consciousness, its prior to consciousness, therefore prior to everything lol. Its the neti-neti of everything and nothing.

@Ibn Sina Osho says it is not an experience and so says winterknight so says the scriptures. The practice of Neti Neti and Self Enquiry is based on this. If it is an experience they would have said it is an experience. No matter one try to understand with mind one cannot. All books read heard elaborate writings are just pointers and need to discarded. Dont cling to the pointers. So discard them and start your practice. There is nothing to read,hear or understand anymore from anybody except the doubts difficulties in the path one may have. Leo too emphasizes the same dont try to understand what Self or awareness is with your mind.Leo too is emphasizing the practice.Nothing more. What ever practice one may do finally one will have to come to self enquiry - The direct path.

This is some of the best Neti Neti guidance I came across. Stephen Wolinsky is a student of Advaita Vedanta and especially Nisargadata Maharaj. He presents 'a map', which is aiming to help you get out of your rut into the Absolute. Watch this, pay attention, allow this to hit you hard!

By which video did you discover Actualized.org? What made you stick around? Here's what happened to me ~ First I found Leo’s pick up criticism because it was posted on a popular pick up forum and I was into pick up. I was shocked at how blindly I was following the group-think of PUA and agreed with Leo that it can be highly manipulative. The people in the forum we’re bashing him like crazy so I immediately felt disenchanted with their ability to hear the criticisms. Then I watched the episodes on how to stop moralising, 40 signs that you are neurotic and 30 ways society f***s you. These videos really started to challenge my world views and I would often think about the ideas which stuck out to me like moral relativism and why society functions the way it does. Watching Leo’s older videos on Spiral Dynamics (and obviously the newer ones) began to make me really see how profound the personal development content was of Actualized.org and I kept watching the earlier videos but never once clicked on a spiritual enlightenment video. I never clicked on the spiritual enlightenment videos because even though I learned techniques like meditation in order to become more present and be more mindful, the PUA culture never once fully explained the full teaching of the teachers they follow like Eckhart Tolle. I had even heard off hand comments from the PUA community calling people who pursued spiritual paths as beta or passive etc. So it’s not like I wasn’t interested in Spirituality it’s just that I was stuck in a frame of it not being important as I wanted to pursue success. I was already moving into stage green at this time as I stopped eating meat and started finding success not as fulfilling as I thought it would be. Then my stoner friend helped me smoke weed and get high for the first time in my life and it was truly the first time I had experienced a radically different state of consciousness. It opened my heart like crazy as I felt like I truly forgave the wrong doings of people in the past who I’d criticised, I could see the ugliness of the right wing commentators hating on the LGBT/sjws and most of all it was the first time I truly empathised with the starving people of the world. I began smoking weed for over a year just because I enjoyed it so much and it honestly helped expand my consciousness, which even though I don’t smoke it anymore has stayed permanently. My friend that introduced me to weed was a bit eccentric in the fact that he’d tell me things like he has had experiences of realising his parents are imaginary and that he himself doesn’t exist, he told me that it just seemed so true to him that no matter what he did in life he will always know that truth. I obviously thought what he was describing to me was intense as well as interesting which lead me to being interested in checking Leo’s video - Spiritual Enlightenment, the most shocking TRUTH you’ll ever hear. The first time I watched that video it didn’t really hit me, but I watched it several times, then I watched all of the sequels to the original video. Then I followed along to Leo’s Neti Neti method, and this is where I started understanding that everything I believed had to be deconstructed. A big insight to me is that all I ever had experienced was sight, sound, taste, smell, inner feelings, outer feelings and that this is what constructed reality. Let's just say after I got a taste of the true radical nature of spirituality I realised this is the most profound thing I have ever discovered and it is the missing piece of life that everybody is looking for. Over the last year I've watched almost all of Leo's videos from the past two years, I've kept meditation a priority in my life, I've contemplated like crazy and I've done self inquiry. I've had glimpses of enlightenment experiences during my self inquiry but I just need to keep doing it. On a whole I'd say my consciousness has deepened slowly from contemplation + self inquiry rather than achieving a full blown enlightenment experience. My desire for truth has grown to the point where I can no longer say success in my career is my highest goal which would terrify the shit out of me a couple of years ago as my whole egoic structure was based on my career success. I'm currently in the process of doing the Life Purpose course and i'm lucky enough to say I only need to work about 20 hours a week to support myself and I'm making steps to fill my time with awakening techniques as much as a I can. I moved to Japan 8 months ago and drugs are a no-go here so i'm planning that within the next year or 18 months I can travel to another country for some kind of psychedelic retreat to try them for the first time. I know that was a bit long but I’d love to hear your story as well.

I love paradoxes and enjoy trying to hold two seemingly opposing ideas as both simultaneously true. However I would appreciate anyone else's considered view on this. The 'So Hum' mantra (I am that) seems to point towards the Samadhi experience of seeing everything as one. If I am one with the chair that I am staring at, then I am equally one with this hand. The 'Neti Neti' self inquiry (not this, not this) seems to point towards the true self being not my car, not my thoughts, not my hand. Are these two thoughts opposite of each other? Is it a technical subtlety (ie I am that, but I am not this)? If so can some please illuminate. Is it as simple as both are true? Is it a mistake to take anything spoken or written as true? Is it that I am not this (neti neti), nothing, no-thing, no separation, everything, I am that (so hum)? Thanks.

And to elaborate more. And this is just a hypothesis in the works. But this statement is one that makes sense and holds truth to someone at a certain place in understanding and awakening but not in the same way as one who’s moved past that consciousness of seeing. But for one whose more in concreteness of things potentially can pull said individual into a more clearer seeing of reality as it is and is ising ( ya I just made that word up). Because interestingly enough the implications of what this statement is pointing towards, the word symbol can be replaced with ‘experience or ones experience’ and it leads to a similar awakening. Again until all that’s left is god understanding. Both sound like the Neti Neti route honestly as I’m writing this and are as you may know powerful awakeners to this strange world of not it’s and yet IT/You/I as the leftover or remainder.

@InfinitePotential this is the problem with trying to grasp it with a dualistic mind, you need it to be one or the other, but the truth is you have to experience it yourself without using your mind, to find out what it was if it was neither. otherwise what you said it wasn't becomes another duality defined by what it is. then you will go full circle and realise it is all those things and so you arrive at is is both something and nothing but right now you have an understanding of something, but not what is nothing, only a concept of "it is not this, it is not that (neti-neti)"

Hey guys, finally felt like sharing this after close to 365 days of procrastination (: I genuinely like to write, and even more about these topics. I enjoy the comunity aspect that this forum provides even though we all are at diferent levels of developement, we have shared interests, and I belive it helps us to stay grounded in our " personal-development " reallity frame rather than the reallity of those who are around us and culture itself. I'll mostly write when inspiration strikes me (: Note to whoever bothers to read: This here Is a "short" personal story about my steep but (probably) worth journey of following Actualized.org : Life Purpose, Meaning of life, Mystical experiences, Happiness, Motivation , Apathy and Nihilism. I feel that some of you will resonate. Enjoy! Concise background rant : 21 years old male born in Poland who moved to Spain at 5. Videogames were my life since as long as I can remember. They really sucked me in throughout my life as I really enjoyed them, I developed mastery in some of them, and they also were my way of escaping my upbringing ( bullied in school, feeling shame for being poor ( living in caravans/ in a shack up till 18), alcoholic / mentally unstable / emotionally abussive mother since birth, etc. All I did was school - videogames ( and very often skipping school to play some more ) . I literally barely have memories up till 17 since everything was very routine-like and other stuff I prefered to repress. I used to be deep in victim mentallity and merely reactive towards the world since I felt that the circumstances were stronger than me and also my father used to over-protect me and my brothers by providing everything he could and making my existance as comfortable as possible, which made me even " weaker " Got into personal development at 17 by accident while googling stuff about how to improove social skills to get a social life and ultimately get better with grils sice I had a crush on a chick in my class (actually I was amazed that there was a whole comunity about improoving themselves). Okay. January 2018 I bought the LP course after getting my first real job that I used to save up for my future studies ( having money is cool) . Three videos in, and next thing I know while meditating I get a flash of " go study psychology in university rather than translation". So I freeze the LP course and for couple of months do what's needed to make the switch in my studies since I didn't want to waste any more time. Resistance kicks in because of boring/challenging subjects and I go through a mini crisis. I didn't know if I was just rationalizing my laziness. But I could intuit that it didin't feel right. Shortly after, I had the insight that I wanted to study psychology because it's what's most similar to Personal-development, and I was like " why not study personal develpment directly? " ( also was actually somewhat motivated by a random Tai Lopez video where he was preaching "taking your eduaction in your own hands". Also shortly before that, as I was Journaling, I became aware ( thanks to Leo's theory and his BS detector ) of how little developed Universities actually are, and that the safety ( both the time spent studying and the job they provide later on ) are a complete ilusion. I knew there was no University Major on Personal-development, and that I would have to wing it. I would have to be both the teacher and the student. May 2018 my confident ass accompanied by faith in my half baked LP decide to take my university savings move to Barcelona (opposite extreme of Spain, 1000km away from my family or anyone I knew) to live on my own and get involved in the RSD pick up comunity ( that was the subfield of Personal developent that I chose to focus on after binging for a year or two on pick up theory). Spent around 3k euro on digital programs as I felt it was an investement. It probably was an investment, but . . . As I felt that my horniness/ flawed self-esteem /poor skills with whamen wouldn't let me advance the LP course, and given that pick up provided a clear path for self-actualization with tangible results, it would be the perfect decision. Right? Well, bear with me. As I meditated more and more ( staring at the same wall since 2016, for 20, 30 min daily, up to 60 min for half a year at my peak ) I became more and "numb". The " wins " just felt okay , and the " loses " just felt okay. I was becoming deatached from life. I could feel it was It was building up towards something. Around June 2018 Leo bursted my bubble. The "Understanding Meaning, Value and Purpose" video cracked my reallity ( Highly recommended video, THANKS LEO) I became conscious of how our Meaning-Making Apparatus works, and that my whole life was a house of cards. Everything I belived in was BS from the beggining ! Long story short : We pull meaning out of our Individual / collective asses and hold on to it as if our life depended on it ( Because it does ! So there is nothing to do and nothing to archive. Your problems aren't real. Seriousness doesn't exist. There is no reason to develop yourself. There is no reason to have sex. There is no reason to talk with your family. There is no reason to eat healthy, there is no reason to stay alive rather than killing yourself. There is no good or bad. Whatever you do, is " Okay" ( with capital "O" ) Also, there is no reason WHY NOT to do any of these things. You are left completely groundless with overwhelming and terrific Freedom. It's all up to you. You either create meaning consciously or soak it up unconsciously. Meaninglessness isn't good or bad, it's meaningless. All of this doesn't come across remotely as powerfull by writing it in a sentence as by becoming directly aware of it with your own real-life examples and actually feeling how the whole conceptual framework of your life crumbles down (: Alright. That ah-ha nihilist moment combined with the decision of quitting my old life , confusion about what do I actually want to do with my life, struggle with understanding what I am, existential dread and tons of questioning of my beliefs, escalated into not only a mid-life crisis, but a full blown Dark night of the soul. For months I was consumed by Nihilism and Anomie. Learning how to date lost its meaning and became very shallow. I flunked my expensive RSD program and I didn't care because money lost meaning for me. I had lost my virginity with a hooker because the stigma was gone, and I half assed some psilocybin mushroom trip where I had no major insights. Finding my Life purpose also lost its meaning for me and although I could Intuit that some anwsers were there, I was already chained by resistance and distractions. I felt enormous emotional pain. Loneliness that wouln't go away even around people; a feeling of not being understood & being amazed at how unconsciously others held onto their beliefs, and more extreme levels of confusion by each belief or asumption that I dared to question. I Indulged in addictions, Porn, masturbation, junk food, trash entretainment. . . Sometimes I laid 24 hours in bed for weeks doing barely nothing, besides standing up to pee and grabbing some unhealthy food to eat. (if there is something that I regret from all of this, it's not documenting my thoughts and the shifts in my worldview enough as everything was happening ) Then, after binging on some more Actualized and Byron Katie content something clicked. I learned how to let go. Of everything, any shoulds, regrets, expectations. . . I learned how to Sit and bliss out. Complete acceptance and surrender to the pressent moment without wishing to be anywhere else. I finally became aware of where the main source of happiness comes from. September 2018 I decided to swallow my pride and fly back to my dads home to be become a Squatter ( quite extended practice here in Spain ) so I wouldn't have to pay rent. I seriously considered to just do full time meditation somehow. Interestingly enough I had a chance to join an Ashram in Barcelona since a monk in an orange toga approached me literally at the entry to my house , offering me a free short copy of the Bhagavad Gita, but I after a brief chat I could see that he was clearly lost in dogma, and my desire to join would be corrupted by the desire of grounding myself in some structure/ authority that would tell me what to do rather than having to embrace the paralyzing freedom. First month back was alright. Blessing out doing nothing feels good but it doesn't manifest in cash ( at least directly ). Since im not into Breatharianism or Freeganism, I got a weekend job to get some income, where I'm working till today. After binging on some more of Leo's content, I stumbled across the " You aren't Happy because you don't want to be " video. After that one I really made myself into a lazy slug couch potato. Summarizing : Swallow unconditional happiness ( which screws up your entire motivational system). You don't guilt yourself for anything. You don't reward yourself. I had learned to be Okay with anything, and also, all the rules to live by were gone. No "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts" I was still half-assing meditation, yoga, journaling if I was doing any of these at all, and I was resisting the LP course that had caused me so much struggle. I had some mystical experiences in the past like becoming directly conscious that thoughts come LITERALLY from NOWHERE and had some short lucid dreams here and there, but now after letting go of SO much suddenly for couple of days I started being conscious inside of my dreams sometimes even few times per night; two times I started Astral Proyecting and levitated horizontally out of my body for a short time and flew around my room; that one time I woke up half asleep and had a short no-self experience where I literally lost my sense of self and finally around november I had a two minute samadhi experience where I discovered non symbolic understanding and realized what direct awareness actually means. I became aware of what the fabric of reallity was ( you can call it consciousness, but if you categorize it in any way it dissapears, exactly the same way as if you want to think about silence, any word that you come up with is not it.). I remember looking at the wall for around 20 min doing some neti neti / focusing on Actuallity meditation , and I realized the wall, my body, my perceptions and my thoughts were made exactly out of the same thing! Finally that " all is one " cliche made sense. Cool, but I'm still here, and life is still going on. Yeah, this happened around 7 months ago. Thought it would be a good idea to not " push" myself and just digest the insights. I didn't resist anything, and as you can guess, before I knew I was already caught in distractions / addictions. Since then, even though It's hard for me to suffer unless I go full unconscious mode, I've been stuck in the same rut as from last year since the reallity breakdown of discractions, porn, masturbation, sugar, wheat, junk food and and now also videogames. Resistance has the cuffs on me and the LP course feels like a threat to my ego so I keep sweeping it under the rug after slowly chipping away at it. I rationalize my behaviours because ultimately everything is " Okay ". Right? This is a new challenge. I never had to face addiction . I never had to create Meaning to live by from scratch. (Fun fact , I used to have somewhat arrogant thoughts along the lines of " how can these people be addicted to smoking? Boii, make me addicted to crack-cocaine and I'mma break that sh*t in NO TIME. Lol.) At the beginning when I had quit videogames after 15 years, I did it cold turkey since I had so much motivation to develop my social skills for a reason ( the idea of getting in a relationship was so meaningful ! ) But during the " crisis " I saw that actually, it was meaningful to me because I craved aprooval, both from the girl and from other people for getting such girl. It was ME who created that meaning. Admiting that ALL of my motivation to develop myself was grounded in the desire for girls and aprooval was a tough pill to swallow. So once I realized this, and that family, money, working out for looks , fame, archiving any kind of social status or any other "Social Success" , are no longer sources of motivation and meaning, I'm just left with "doing whatever I want , only for myself". And it's freaking hard and lonely. Developing myself just for myself . I never had to do this before. I was used to allways suck on other peoples meaning and value structures. But now I saw behind the curtains and there is no going back even if I wanted to. Definately subestimated what it takes to be an Autodidact and what it takes to be in charge of your own life . Pretty funny how reallity humbled down my arrogant ass that expected smooth exponential growht lol. Even though I have quite a few ideas about how to break free I'm struggling to pull myself out of the rut even after couple of attempts, and i'm too arrogant in my skill of taking care of myself to ask for help. Any rules I set for myself are weak since I can see they are groundless. Commitments are also shallow since I see how they are groundless. ( I see how I create meaning out of thin air ). Blurry visions that I come up with for my life haven't yet created enough leverage. But yeah, I'll have to humble down again and go for Tony Robbins basic self help, consciously create a structure to live by, and keep chipping away at the LP course. Shoutout to all my fams who are stuck in a rut, and if you aren't , don't worry, you will be ! (:

Hey guys, finally felt like sharing this after close to 365 days of procrastination (: Note to whoever bothers to read: It's a "short" personal story about my steep but (probably) worth journey of following Actualized.org : Life Purpose, Meaning of life, Mystical experiences, Happiness, Motivation , Apathy and Nihilism. I feel that some of you will resonate. Enjoy! Concise background rant : 21 years old male born in Poland who moved to Spain at 5. Videogames were my life since as long as I can remember. They really sucked me in throughout my life as I really enjoyed them, I developed mastery in some of them, and they also were my way of escaping my upbringing ( bullied in school, feeling shame for being poor ( living in caravans/ in a shack up till 18), alcoholic / mentally unstable / emotionally abussive mother since birth, etc. All I did was school - videogames ( and very often skipping school to play some more ) . I literally barely have memories up till 17 since everything was very routine-like and other stuff I prefered to repress. I used to be deep in victim mentallity and merely reactive towards the world since I felt that the circumstances were stronger than me and also my father used to over-protect me and my brothers by providing everything he could and making my existance as comfortable as possible, which made me even " weaker " Got into personal development at 17 by accident while googling stuff about how to improove social skills to get a social life and ultimately get better with grils sice I had a crush on a chick in my class (actually I was amazed that there was a whole comunity about improoving themselves). Okay. January 2018 I bought the LP course after getting my first real job that I used to save up for my future studies ( having money is cool) . Three videos in, and next thing I know while meditating I get a flash of " go study psychology in university rather than translation". So I freeze the LP course and for couple of months do what's needed to make the switch in my studies since I didn't want to waste any more time. Resistance kicks in because of boring/challenging subjects and I go through a mini crisis. I didn't know if I was just rationalizing my laziness. But I could intuit that it didin't feel right. Shortly after, I had the insight that I wanted to study psychology because it's what's most similar to Personal-development, and I was like " why not study personal develpment directly? " ( also was actually somewhat motivated by a random Tai Lopez video where he was preaching "taking your eduaction in your own hands". Also shortly before that, as I was Journaling, I became aware ( thanks to Leo's theory and his BS detector ) of how little developed Universities actually are, and that the safety ( both the time spent studying and the job they provide later on ) are a complete ilusion. I knew there was no University Major on Personal-development, and that I would have to wing it. I would have to be both the teacher and the student. May 2018 my confident ass accompanied by faith in my half baked LP decide to take my university savings move to Barcelona (opposite extreme of Spain, 1000km away from my family or anyone I knew) to live on my own and get involved in the RSD pick up comunity ( that was the subfield of Personal developent that I chose to focus on after binging for a year or two on pick up theory). Spent around 3k euro on digital programs as I felt it was an investement. It probably was an investment, but . . . As I felt that my horniness/ flawed self-esteem /poor skills with whamen wouldn't let me advance the LP course, and given that pick up provided a clear path for self-actualization with tangible results, it would be the perfect decision. Right? Well, bear with me. As I meditated more and more ( staring at the same wall since 2016, for 20, 30 min daily, up to 60 min for half a year at my peak ) I became more and "numb". The " wins " just felt okay , and the " loses " just felt okay. I was becoming deatached from life. I could feel it was It was building up towards something. Around June 2018 Leo bursted my bubble. The "Understanding Meaning, Value and Purpose" video cracked my reallity ( Highly recommended video, THANKS LEO) I became conscious of how our Meaning-Making Apparatus works, and that my whole life was a house of cards. Everything I belived in was BS from the beggining ! Long story short : We pull meaning out of our Individual / collective asses and hold on to it as if our life depended on it ( Because it does ! So there is nothing to do and nothing to archive. Your problems aren't real. Seriousness doesn't exist. There is no reason to develop yourself. There is no reason to have sex. There is no reason to talk with your family. There is no reason to eat healthy, there is no reason to stay alive rather than killing yourself. There is no good or bad. Whatever you do, is " Okay" ( with capital "O" ) Also, there is no reason WHY NOT to do any of these things. You are left completely groundless with overwhelming and terrific Freedom. It's all up to you. You either create meaning consciously or soak it up unconsciously. Meaninglessness isn't good or bad, it's meaningless. All of this doesn't come across remotely as powerfull by writing it in a sentence as by becoming directly aware of it with your own real-life examples and actually feeling how the whole conceptual framework of your life crumbles down (: Alright. That ah-ha nihilist moment combined with the decision of quitting my old life , confusion about what do I actually want to do with my life, struggle with understanding what I am, existential dread and tons of questioning of my beliefs, escalated into not only a mid-life crisis, but a full blown Dark night of the soul. For months I was consumed by Nihilism and Anomie. Learning how to date lost its meaning and became very shallow. I flunked my expensive RSD program and I didn't care because money lost meaning for me. I had lost my virginity with a hooker because the stigma was gone, and I half assed some psilocybin mushroom trip where I had no major insights. Finding my Life purpose also lost its meaning for me and although I could Intuit that some anwsers were there, I was already chained by resistance and distractions. I felt enormous emotional pain. Loneliness that wouln't go away even around people; a feeling of not being understood & being amazed at how unconsciously others held onto their beliefs, and more extreme levels of confusion by each belief or asumption that I dared to question. I Indulged in addictions, Porn, masturbation, junk food, trash entretainment. . . Sometimes I laid 24 hours in bed for weeks doing barely nothing, besides standing up to pee and grabbing some unhealthy food to eat. (if there is something that I regret from all of this, it's not documenting my thoughts and the shifts in my worldview enough as everything was happening ) Then, after binging on some more Actualized and Byron Katie content something clicked. I learned how to let go. Of everything, any shoulds, regrets, expectations. . . I learned how to Sit and bliss out. Complete acceptance and surrender to the pressent moment without wishing to be anywhere else. I finally became aware of where the main source of happiness comes from. September 2018 I decided to swallow my pride and fly back to my dads home to be become a Squatter ( quite extended practice here in Spain ) so I wouldn't have to pay rent. I seriously considered to just do full time meditation somehow. Interestingly enough I had a chance to join an Ashram in Barcelona since a monk in an orange toga approached me literally at the entry to my house , offering me a free short copy of the Bhagavad Gita, but I after a brief chat I could see that he was clearly lost in dogma, and my desire to join would be corrupted by the desire of grounding myself in some structure/ authority that would tell me what to do rather than having to embrace the paralyzing freedom. First month back was alright. Blessing out doing nothing feels good but it doesn't manifest in cash ( at least directly ). Since im not into Breatharianism or Freeganism, I got a weekend job to get some income, where I'm working till today. After binging on some more of Leo's content, I stumbled across the " You aren't Happy because you don't want to be " video. After that one I really made myself into a lazy slug couch potato. Summarizing : Swallow unconditional happiness ( which screws up your entire motivational system). You don't guilt yourself for anything. You don't reward yourself. I had learned to be Okay with anything, and also, all the rules to live by were gone. No "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts" I was still half-assing meditation, yoga, journaling if I was doing any of these at all, and I was resisting the LP course that had caused me so much struggle. I had some mystical experiences in the past like becoming directly conscious that thoughts come LITERALLY from NOWHERE and had some short lucid dreams here and there, but now after letting go of SO much suddenly for couple of days I started being conscious inside of my dreams sometimes even few times per night; two times I started Astral Proyecting and levitated horizontally out of my body for a short time and flew around my room; that one time I woke up half asleep and had a short no-self experience where I literally lost my sense of self and finally around november I had a two minute samadhi experience where I discovered non symbolic understanding and realized what direct awareness actually means. I became aware of what the fabric of reallity was ( you can call it consciousness, but if you categorize it in any way it dissapears, exactly the same way as if you want to think about silence, any word that you come up with is not it.). I remember looking at the wall for around 20 min doing some neti neti / focusing on Actuallity meditation , and I realized the wall, my body, my perceptions and my thoughts were made exactly out of the same thing! Finally that " all is one " cliche made sense. Cool, but I'm still here, and life is still going on. Yeah, this happened around 7 months ago. Thought it would be a good idea to not " push" myself and just digest the insights. I didn't resist anything, and as you can guess, before I knew I was already caught in distractions / addictions. Since then, even though It's hard for me to suffer unless I go full unconscious mode, I've been stuck in the same rut as from last year since the reallity breakdown of discractions, porn, masturbation, sugar, wheat, junk food and and now also videogames. Resistance has the cuffs on me and the LP course feels like a threat to my ego so I keep sweeping it under the rug after slowly chipping away at it. I rationalize my behaviours because ultimately everything is " Okay ". Right? This is a new challenge. I never had to face addiction . I never had to create Meaning to live by from scratch. (Fun fact , I used to have somewhat arrogant thoughts along the lines of " how can these people be addicted to smoking? Boii, make me addicted to crack-cocaine and I'mma break that sh*t in NO TIME. Lol.) At the beginning when I had quit videogames after 15 years, I did it cold turkey since I had so much motivation to develop my social skills for a reason ( the idea of getting in a relationship was so meaningful ! ) But during the " crisis " I saw that actually, it was meaningful to me because I craved aprooval, both from the girl and from other people for getting such girl. It was ME who created that meaning. Admiting that ALL of my motivation to develop myself was grounded in the desire for girls and aprooval was a tough pill to swallow. So once I realized this, and that family, money, working out for looks , fame, archiving any kind of social status or any other "Social Success" , are no longer sources of motivation and meaning, I'm just left with "doing whatever I want , only for myself". And it's freaking hard and lonely. Developing myself just for myself . I never had to do this before. I was used to allways suck on other peoples meaning and value structures. But now I saw behind the curtains and there is no going back even if I wanted to. Definately subestimated what it takes to be an Autodidact and what it takes to be in charge of your own life . Pretty funny how reallity humbled down my arrogant ass that expected smooth exponential growht lol. Even though I have quite a few ideas about how to break free I'm struggling to pull myself out of the rut even after couple of attempts, and i'm too arrogant in my skill of taking care of myself to ask for help. Any rules I set for myself are weak since I can see they are groundless. Commitments are also shallow since I see how they are groundless. ( I see how I create meaning out of thin air ). Blurry visions that I come up with for my life haven't yet created enough leverage. But yeah, I'll have to humble down again and go for Tony Robbins basic self help, consciously create a structure to live by, and keep chipping away at the LP course. Shoutout to all my fams who are stuck in a rut, and if you aren't , don't worry, you will be ! (:

That which is permanent is real. Only awareness is real. I think that we use those "non real" stuff to find what is real. As you said, we can reach it by negation (neti neti) or by quieting the mind to transcend everything that is impermanent. But I am not sure about anything right now.