Sine

Wow, this is so interesting and exciting. I would love to hear more about you practicing this. I'd never come up with that Idea myself, but it sounds super useful and like a smart permission slip. Now when I think about it, one of my girlfriends has talked to me a little bit about how she sometimes talk to herself from a masculine point of view, like what a really healthy father or partner would tell her. I also like the idea to call yourself sweet names. Ive started calling everyone beloved because my brothers began doing it for fun (they used to call each other bad names like fatty), and it sounded so fun and cute when they did it because they are like - very macho, haha

@Juan Thank you <3

Obviously, when life is easy/simple and I'm alone, doing my normal routines - it’s easy for me to be aware and make decisions that will be the most beneficial in regards of changing my life for the better. When socializing or when challenging things happens, it gets a bit more difficult. I know that. But still, I feel frustrated about what happened last night. Phoenix had slept over at my place the past two night, she is taking courses in the city and needed a place to stay. It was nice to see her, she is my best friend, but we went to bed very late which meant that I hadn’t slept enough and therefor was more vulnerable. Then changes in my plans happened so I had to meet with my brother, before going to a party/gathering one of my classmates hosted. We started early, cooking together (it was only people from my class so a small group), and because I had already been social with Phoenix and my brother, I had decided I wouldn’t stay for long. But then again, if I’m completely honest with myself, I knew also that I wouldn’t keep that, because I knew I would end up waiting for Silver, putting myself in a situation (again) where I would get rejected or humiliated. Almost as if a part of me thought it would be fun – like that part of me is very masochistic or something. Which I guess is fair enough, I just wish it could be practiced without involving the rest of me, who doesn’t like that game at all. First situation was in the morning where my brother texted me, asking if I could meet with him after his GA-meeting. I became very proud and happy that he wanted to, because I have tried to call him more often, trying to build a connection that doesn’t have to go through my mother all the time, so I said yes even though it meant I had to arrive to the party an hour later. I had to text this to the guy from my class I was supposed to cook the dinner with. Phoenix started this whole preach about how I shouldn’t ask for his permission and write the text in a more direct (harsh) tone, and the whole thing was sort of counterintuitive because she was bossing me around to become a person that wouldn’t be bossed around. I was getting nervous, and probably shameful, feeling guilty about being late, but I also knew it was the right thing to do, to go see my brother, so I made myself aware of the feelings, wrote them down and decided that if someone was mad at me or something, then that’s fine. The second situation was when I arrived at the party. We were only four because almost everyone was late. Silver hadn’t arrived yet, and I felt tired and a bit off. I wanted him to come, and I wanted to text him, but I stopped myself from it multiple times – I registered that I had a story in my head that I would feel safer and calmer if he was there, but that’s not true. It’s not like he does anything like, often he doesn’t even ask how I am, or acknowledge in any other way, that we have connected with each other more, than we both have with any of the other people in our class. And, he has done and said things many times, that most people (I imagine) would be angry about and not want to spend time with him anymore. I just don’t feel that. I felt like texting him, telling him I would feel better if he was there – and sadly I ended up doing that. Later more people (including Silver) arrived, I talked with a lot of the girls, including Alba, which was great because I have wanted to get to know her better since the study trip (she was a big part of the reason I decided to start therapy, because she opened up to me about her relationship with her mom and her own journey with therapy). I said to myself everything around Silver didn’t matter, and that I would go home early, but then one of the guys got me an energy drink (because I don’t drink alcohol) and then at one point I was talking to Silver and another guy and I don’t know I just started to feel more and more like nothing mattered and then I smoked a joint (that I brought myself – but still, I had sort of decided not to smoke, but then again I was lying to myself, because then why would I have brought it). Luckily, I didn’t get paranoid, but it felt nice and funny, and I felt better with my class than I have felt for a long time, like it was super fun to be together all of us, and I don’t think I did anything too weird or anything. But yea then, as I felt more and more numb and like – yea whatever it’s okay to party and everything shouldn’t be so serious and – then I texted Silver if he wanted to leave together when he wanted to leave, and he nodded across from the table. I feel super bad about this and just shameful writing it down. It sounds so teenage-drama-ish just not being able to ask out loud, all this stupid secret relationship-weird-shit, and it’s not what I want. Not at all. I said to myself I just didn’t want to walk to the train alone. Another lie, because part of me was hoping he would come home with me and sleep over. The worst is, that I was somewhat aware of this, I just didn’t stop up – I reacted too quickly. The third situation was in the train. I thought he would change at my station, so we would have time to – whatever – but then, he didn’t tell me he would change at another stop, I don’t know, so when I had to get off he just said goodbye like nothing, and I was very confused and felt so abandoned, which doesn’t make sense in relation to the actual situation but I still felt that. When I got home, I seriously considered to ask him to block me on the phone, but I also felt it would create drama, and I don’t want that, I want to be able to control myself – for fucks sake. I want to be able to not hurt myself (through him or other people). I feel now how vulnerable it will feel to post this for all to see. But I want to be honest in documenting this journey, and with the title I choose, I feel trust that change will happen, and I will look back at this at one point with compassion, happy that I’m able to love myself better now. There is no reason for that day not to be tomorrow already. I could choose to make this a very important turning point in the story. Like the point of no return. There is a fourth situation though. This morning Silver texted me, weird texts about if I had a deck of cards and I don’t know, joking around. Even though I was painfully aware of everything I just wrote, I had this feeling that I have every time I decide to quit him, that it’s super important to stay friends. So, I asked him to come with me to this meditation-music thing at a church I go to sometimes. He didn’t want to, which I’m happy about now. I didn’t go myself because then I realized that I actually needed super much to be alone. But I’m definitely going to meditate now, before I go to bed, even though it’s late, because I didn’t do that the days Phoenix slept over. I’m frustrated about how I see the things and the patterns and the behavior when I’m in the situations, but then I ignore it and react anyway. Today I did something I’m proud of though: at a phone call with my mom she suddenly closed down and wanted to hang up, sort of acting like I kept her in the conversation (which I really didn’t), instead of asking if I did/said anything wrong I just let her leave and I resisted the urge to text her a heart/I’m sorry/ask what was wrong. I stayed with the guilt-feeling and cried and listened to a song, and then she called me again saying she was sorry reflecting on (by herself) why she did that. That felt super good. Wow. So vulnerable to post this. I feel like I make a big deal out of many small things, but it is in these tiny interactions during my life, that I take tiny non-beneficial routes, and then it ends up creating bigger problems, so it is important to look at it.

Through a couple of different catalysts the past year, I’ve become more aware of how unhealthy and codependent my relationship with my mom actually is. I can see that the patterns I have with her is also reflected sometimes in my other relationships, and often, after interacting with her, I end up harming myself in one way or the other, falling into this dark hole of self-hatred, shame, and guilt. Through the years, many friends have suggested to me, that I should take a break from seeing her, but because of my own co-dependency, this has felt impossible, but also, when I reflect more upon it, I don’t think that it would be the most beneficial way to go about it. Instead of just looking at her as something bad in my life that needs to be removed (though acknowledging that this can sometimes be the case with relationships), I want to investigate my own behavior, and see, maybe, if I become better at setting boundaries, caring for my inner child, and trusting myself, if our relationship could improve and become healthy, or at least a more normal mother-daughter relationship. Because of this, I started therapy today. I will continue to attend for at least the next 6 months. I’ve been in the psychiatric system before, and when things got bad a few months ago I considered going back, however, I reasoned that when I have been in that system, it hasn’t been so helpful because I seem to go into a role of being mentally ill/ “less than” the people helping me. There is this energy of “being really fucked up forever, and you just need some medication” to that place (at least that’s my opinion). So, instead of going back to the psychiatry, I put a lot of effort into getting my budget together, so I could afford to choose my own therapist. I choose a psychologist that I’ve worked with a couple of years ago (actually, through the psychiatry - the only good experience I have with that system). His method was different to me, because it focused on creating actual change in your coping mechanisms and behavior patterns, instead of just talking endlessly about stories. It was that method that made me want to study psychology myself, and it helped me gain more self-respect, love, and compassion. It also helped me to stop selling sex, which (in my case) was an unhealthy behavior pattern that I wanted to quit, when I became more aware. I was super nervous about meeting with him again because it’s been maybe 5 years, and in a way, I felt shameful, that I still needed help, but also, I told myself that there was a reason for this. Things had become very much better in my life, since I stopped in therapy with him, but then Wave died, and things went a bit downhill from there – leading to the awareness on my relationship with my mom. I had some troubles finding the place, and felt messy and weird, but when he came out to get me, I started to feel more okay, and it felt good that he remembered me. He remembered more of my life/story than I would have thought, and he was also the first “official-type-of-person” to express genuine feelings in relation to Waves passing, the doctor and the people in the psychiatry had not said anything at all. I told him about how it was important to me to feel like – not mentally ill or totally fucked up, but just like another human being in the middle of doing some inner work but needing a bit of guidance – and it felt good to say that and being met in that. I was also aware about my body language, trying to look him in the eyes when I talked, sitting with my back straight, and getting to the point when I was explaining things, not going into stories I could feel wasn’t completely true. Paying for the session afterwards felt surprisingly good. I felt mature and capable of dealing with the challenging I’m facing – challenges I believe I choose before this life, so I want to approach them with a sense of honor, and I got sort of close to that feeling today. I thought this diary would be about ending codependency with my mom, and it probably will be a lot about that, but during the session today I figured out that this dynamic is more of a symptom, like self-harm, unhealthy relationships with other people than my mom, and probably also a lot of the complicated aspects of my grief for Wave. The core problem is this inner sense of shame and guilt, that is a sort of shadow from my childhood. So, with the therapy, I’m going to work on becoming better at staying with the shame and guilt, instead of fleeing from it with behavior that isn’t beneficial to who I want to be and what I want to do in this life. The thing I’m focusing on for the next week is to become aware of when I feel shame/guilt, maybe write it down here. And I’m also getting back to a regular Vipassana-meditation practice. A particular thing I took with me from this first session was when he drew on the whiteboard how when I’m 28 (my age), I’m not just 28, but also 27, 26, 25, 24, and so on down to 1 years old. This made me tear up, because I have felt a lot of shame having problems I judge as “teenage-problems or child-like-reactions” when I’m almost 30, sometimes acting like of feeling the emotions of a little girl, when I’m (supposed to be) a woman. So, it made me feel more okay with how thing is, to think about it like this: that my age is a box and within that box is all my past ages.

Actually, I made these drawings about it, him and the part of me that never left heaven, looking after my stupid human body that is stuck on earth. There is something about his eyes in the picture that came out really much like his eyes actually were, I think. Haha fuck, it makes me sad looking into them.

I decided not to take the trip to go with his family to spread the ashes. It was a difficult decision. One part of me feels like I need to do more to move on, more to say goodbye, more to heal. This part also feels very guilty and like I somehow need to prove I'm a good human even though I couldn't or didn't prevent him from killing himself. Another part of me, the part I, at last, ended up listening to, needs to be still with it, not trying to improve or fix it anymore. I feel super lost without him. I always struggled with feeling like I didn't have an anchor, center, or steady ground beneath my feet. That's also why I'm so scared of going on more trips. Reality already feels so malleable and unsteady; just the thought of tripping in a world where he is dead scares me. But of course, I'm also curious. I'm curious to smoke DMT and see the world he saw because I never did; I just watched him once or twice. But I've listened to all of his stories about it. One time I smoked the rest of what was left in the pipe, but it was barely anything; I just got the feeling of the body becoming heavy and had a little vision of him becoming something else, a sort of creature. I have thought that maybe if I could get some DMT, I could go find him in that world. But I know that's probably a dysfunctional reason. I have two 2-CB pills he gave me because I wanted to do it with some guy, but I never did. Now I feel so stupid; why would I ever want to go on a trip with anyone else than him? Maybe I could find him if I went on a trip alone and really made an effort. But I won't do that. It will just fuck me more up than I already am. I want to move on, just a little bit. It's just so difficult. I think it's the most difficult I have ever gone through, and I have gone through a lot of shit; he would sign for that. Even though he was being so ungrounded, he was my ground in many ways. It's like two people with no connection to earth holding on to each other, gaining at least a little bit of centeredness or groundedness, but now he has let go of me, and I'm alone floating around in space. It's so unfair because I think he was comfortable floating like that. That's why he dared to die and became addicted to the DMT world. From what I've heard about it, it's the idea I have of floating freely around in space. Beautiful and safe to him, super super scary to me. The feeling of having no anchor makes me fear for my other relationships. Friends, family and the new relationships I will make when school starts. I'm afraid that if I'm not being carefull, the clinginess and desperation I feel will seep out through me for everyone to see and people will never love me then. It's such a wheel of pain. I know I shouldn't need another person so much, but I can't help it. I really can't. I have tried so much for so many years to become detached from relationships, detached from my body, desires...ego. I give up. I want to accept he is dead, I want to be free, and I want to love myself so much that I don't need anyone else. But I can't ...like... The result of all of this journey is that I can't. So I give up. I can't say goodbye to him, and I can't love myself so... But is it possible to quit this game without killing yourself? Because that's another thing, I just can't. .... I forgot one thing I wanted to write about. The picture below reminded me. Someone said in a youtube video or something that a part of us never leaves heaven. I think it was Bashar. That filled me with peace. That somewhere, we have never been apart. Somewhere I'm holding him right now. I know it's probably not connected, but it feels connected to other thoughts I have had about whales, which are my favorite animals, because I like to think about how there is always a whale somewhere swimming around deep down in the darkness, just being really really big doing it's whale things in the calmness of the ocean. There is something to that feeling I get when I think about whales that feels the same when I think about how a part of us never left heaven.

What is your reasoning behind this? I would say if you feel tired, then go meditate in the hall. If you can't sleep at night, then meditate while lying down.

Yes. Thank you <3 I feel hugged too

He wrote to me on Instagram that he couldn't be better. But Wave used to talk about stuff like that - how beautiful life was, how love was everywhere and that he had never been better. Then he did it anyway, or because of it, I don't know. Fuck, it's so frustrating right now, not being able to do shit.

Can we help him? The comments on the pictures are fucked. Especially the gun picture is more obvious that something is wrong. But don't you think he has friends/family that sees his account and maybe lives close to him?

<3

Yes, I feel the same. It feels very different and very sudden. But maybe like @Vynce and @LSD-Rumi said - he wouldn't just go straight to insane/suicidal in one day, but it would have shown earlier. But I don't know, when did he post all those netflix post on the blog. usually, he doesn't post mutually posts there on the same day, right? It's just when Wave became manic before his suicide one sign was that he posted weird things all the time, every hour. So that's why I'm thinking like this. but maybe it is just projections. I would just really hate it if something is actually wrong. But we can't really do anything when we are not his friends irl, so it's so frustrating right now. I wish I could just call him.

Okay. That's a good way to look at it, if it went really bad it would be going on for longer. Okay. Yes, I'm probably projecting my insecurities, you are right. I just felt I had to express my thoughts to you. Because of what I wrote earlier, I would feel really bad if he did it and I hadn't expressed my worries. Even though you are correct, since you have had God's realizations, I don't get why you wouldn't communicate in a more loving manner to me when I clearly feel anxious? - projections or not. It's not just "wtf" people actually do commit suicide sometimes just from one day to another <3

@Nilsi now he put a picture on Instagram holding a gun. I feel really bad about it. I'm worrying if he will shoot himself? What would it be about otherwise?