soos_mite_ah

"I have no time for my actual life because I'm consumed by the negative space of survival" is not a flex lol. This video mainly talks about how the Romans viewed leisure activities, like engaging with hobbies, socializing with friends, relaxing, being mindful, contemplating are the main quests and that jobs should just be the side quest. This video talks about how saddness was viewed throughout history and how it can be seen as a source of genius, a by product of contemplation and depth, as well as a way to enhance the human experience. But then, after industrialization, people started demonizing saddness more because it can come at the cost of productivity. Here are a quote I liked: "They believed that melancholy gave life texture. Happiness, the argued, is smooth. It's pleasant but it slides off you. You can't hold on to it. But melancholy sticks. It has weight. It makes you appreciate the contours of existance. It forces you to confront the fact that everything beautiful is also temporary. And that awareness, that bitter sweet ache, is what makes you feel the most alive." "Melancholy is the happiness of being sad" - Victor Hugo "By the early 20th century, something more sophisticated was happening. Industrial psychologists, newly credentialed experts in human efficiency were being hired by factory workers to find ways to make workers more productive. One of the most influencial was Mugo Munsterberg, a German psychologist who worked with Henry Ford. Munsterberg's job was to figure out how to optimize not only the assembly line but the workers on it. He developed tests to screen out people who were temporarily unsuited for factory work. He studied fatigue, attention, motivation. He wrote books titled "Psychology and Industrial Efficiency." The same methods used to optimize work flows were now being turned inwards to the workers themselves. Your mind wasn't your own anymore, it was part of the machine. And if your mind wandered into melancholy, you weren't just wasting your time, you were sabotaguing the entire operation. " "We have lost the social script for sitting with bad news, for allowing someone to be sad without immediately trying to fix them. Every emotion has to be justified, explained, and ideally resolved in a single conversation. The Internet has excellerated all of this. You can't just be sad online, you have to contexualize it, perform it correctly, make it relatable, funny, or inspirational. Raw melancholy, the kind that has no clear cause, no narrative arc, no resolution, doesn't fit anywhere. It just people makes people uncomfortable."

Rage Quitting I feel like I'm depressed with work but in a high functioning way. I'm still able to keep up my responsibilities and seem like a normal person socially but I feel this persistent heaviness. I think it's a combination of the state of the world, my current work environment, and my social life (or lack there of). I feel like I'm harboring more animosity towards my job than usual. I remember when the snowstorm came in through Texas, part of me wished that we were snowed in with no electricity so that I won't have to work for a few days. And I remember clocking myself and mentally thinking *it's kind of fucked up that you hate your job / want a break so bad that you would want to deal with a natural disaster.* Around the same time, I remember also REALLY beating myself up for being exhausted with work and life in general. And while I was in a bad place mentally and I felt consumed in that, I also had a voice in the back of my mind saying *Hey, this isn't how you normally react and it isn't a reflection of your actual values. This is a conditioned response you have been getting from your job in an environment that keeps demanding more and more in terms of productivity.* The other day, I was in the dentist office and it was taking longer than expected. I took time off from my regular work day for this. And lowkey, while I was in that dentist chair, I was kind of hoping that there was something fucked up that happened to my teeth to justify taking the whole day off. I also have been having recurring fantasies to rage quit with no back up plan because the thought of hopping to another job also feels enraging. The fantasy involves me being unemployed for 3-4 months, travelling, prioritizing other areas of my life, reconnecting back to myself, and then coming back to the work force. Or better yet, start grad school and stay in school for a couple of years (debt free of course), then go back to work. Basically, I want a summer vacation lol. I want a few months where my daily schedule doesn't revolve around increasing shareholder value and then time to decompress from increasing shareholder value. I want to use these few months travelling, educating myself, working on personal habits, bed rotting a couple days without feeling a scarcity around my free time, introspecting, enjoying my hobbies, spending time with loved ones, and just in general slowing tf down. But here are my problems: I don't want to quit my job because I don't want to lose out on the tenure I do have in this economy (which can protect me financially) or my opportunities for relocation. I have a stable job that I'm performing well at in a stable company which if shit hits the fan in this country, I can easily jump ship. That's not to be treated flippantly in today's world especially considering that my job is mostly just mildly toxic and kinda annoying as opposed to straight up abusive. I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to take leave. I know a lot of people take leave because of physical health issues, to take care of loved ones, maternity reasons, dire mental health situations etc. And I'm just here with high functioning depression and an existential crisis. I also don't want a permanent exit. Like I don't fantasize about being a stay at home wife nor do I want a life where I don't have a job at all. Then I came across this video and I thought I'd go through each section here: "Suddenly, the corner office looks less like an achievement and more like a slow motion suicide." The video above talks about it in the context of a health scare or a parent dying. But for me, I'm seeing in the way that my thoughts have been slowly rewired over the last couple of years and how I feel a sense of dread at the thought of a promotion or doing better work. "According to research from the Journal of Positive Psychology published in 2020, the people who successfully exit the race often share a specific cognitive trait. They score higher on what psychologists call 'temporal discounting flexibility.' Basically, their brains are better at valuing future well being over immediate status gains. Most human brains heavily discount the future. A reward today is worth way more than the same reward tomorrow. It's why we eat the cookie, skip the gym, take the promotion that'll wreck our health in five years. But some brains, either through genetics, experience, or conscious rewiring, can actually feel future you as vividly as present you. When they imagine themselves at 65, exhausted and wealthy, it feels real enough to compete with the dopamine hit of today's achievement. That's not weakness, that's a different kind of intelligence. Let's talk about what goes into the decision to exit. Becuase it's not simple. It's not just work less, stress less. There is a complex psychological equation happening." Like, I feel my brain constantly scream at me to take a break even though I'm functioning okay on a day to day basis. I think this is why. Then the video goes into the following concepts: Identity Dissolution: You stop defining yourself according to your job. I never defined myself according to my job. Social Pressure of what the tribe thinks: People will ask if you're okay, having a crisis, got fired etc. You're making an unconventional life choice. I think what I said about feeling like I don't have a good enough reason to take a break is a symptom of the social pressure of what situations are acceptable to take a break from and what you're expected to power through. Financial Fear: earning / saving less / retirement issues. You can have higher anxiety around money even if you do this responsibly and you are financially secure when you remove the upward trajectory. I relate to this. I feel like I have a good amount of money saved up to where if end up unemployed, I'm not going to be freaking out about bills rather I'm going to be freaking out about a gap in my resume. I also feel like this fear comes up when I think about changing careers or moving to a place that has a higher cost of living. Loss of the game itself: Some people miss stress, the clear metrics, the competition, the adrenaline of high stakes performance. They get addicted to the rewards and the challenge itself. Yup... I cannot relate to this. Then the video goes to explain that the "quiet exiters aren't escaping to a blissful, stress free paradise. They are trading one set of problems for a completely different set." Yes, studies show that people are happier because of less stress, more time, more autonomy because people who prioritize time over money report higher satisfaction. At the same time, other studes show that people have more existential anxiety reagarding how they had to figure out what actually mattered to them outside of external structure of achievement. Many people don't ask these questions because they use career achievement to distract themselves from deeper questions about meaning and purpose. They don't know what they want from life so as a result, when they exit, they don't find peace, they find themselves face to face from questions they've been running from. Other people notice that once they aren't chasing the dopamine hits of achievement, they have to learn to be okay with less. This is difficult because it's hedonic adaptation in reverse. I think for me, prior to my corporate job, I already went through the phase of figuring out what matters to me in life and my own personal definition of success. So I don't feel like I have been using my job to distract myself from deeper questions. As a result, I don't think I have an issue with the highs of dopamine hits of achievements or other life style factors since I generally have a pretty modest life. I think what this job has done is that it has caused me to "lose the plot" on some level due to the day ins and day outs. On a mental and emotional level, I do care about travel, self development, my relationships, and my well being waaay more than my job. But in action, I dedicate a very large portion of my day to my job. And I don't think it's a bad thing, my job can be a source of self development and structure that also helps fund the other important things I have listed above. However, I think the way that my life has been structured has been feeling like it's causing me to stray from what's important rather than to fuel it. And I have been observing this attitude shift in the way that I feel like my free time is scarce, how I beat myself up for needing rest even though I didn't do that before, and how I have been putting more and more pressure on myself to be functioning on an individual level better than the system I'm functioning in. Basically, I expect myself to have my shit together on an individual level despite the world crumbling around me on a collective level. And I don't think that's a very realistic set of standards to hold myself to. I think in addition to wanting to pour my energy into different areas of life, more than anything, I crave slowing down and being present. "But here's what people who successfully exit the race often discover, a completely different kind of freedom. They're no longer making decisions based on what looks impressive to other people. They're making decisions based on what actually feels good to them. And that shift, according to research on self determination theory from the University of Rochester, is associated with higher intrinsic motivation and sustained well being." I think in general I have a pretty high degree of instrinsic motivation but I still do care about what other people think in order to maintain my employment and basic sense of security. I think I can improve upon the sustained well being bit. "Research from the Journal of Happiness Studies shows that people who work fewer hours report experiencing time as moving more slowly. Not in a boring way, in a present way. They notice seasons changing. They remember their weeks. They feel less like they're skimming across the surface of their own lives." I think this pretty much summarizes how I want to feel after my break and further emphasized the bolded part above. Finally, the last five minutes of the video was talking about how people can train themselves to think this way by deliberate practice, exposure to different values, through enough pain so that the old equations stopped making sense. With sustained effort, people can reshape their reward pathways, and as a result, change what they are motivated, what they are inspired by, as well as what they crave/ find pleasure in. "You can literally rewire what feels rewarding. But it's not easy. It's not a decision you make once. It's a decision you make everyday, every time you chose time over money, every time you disappoint someone's expectations, every time you resist the urge to compare yourself to the people still racing. You're fighting against 300,000 years of evolution that says 'climb higher' and that takes a very specific kind of courage." Basically, my takeaway is that you can rewire your brain for more fulfillment. And I'm pretty sure that can be the same for less fulfillment as well. I think my job has been rewiring my brain apart from how it was when I first started this job and I want to get back to my own sense of authenticity. I think if I were to take a break, it's not going to be as existential crisis inducing as this video suggests since I have already ldone like 80% of the work prior to being in my corporate job. Wiring your brain for fulfillment is like working a muscle. For me. it's more like getting back into the gym after not going for a while, having to struggle for 2 weeks, and then your muscle memory kicks in and you're back to your previous performance levels. That is waaay different than someone who never worked out who is trying to establish the habit of working out for the first time.

How Badly Do I Want To Be A Parent I want to have a pet raccoon. But if I think about it just a little bit, I know it's not the best decision for me. For example, I might like raccoons and think they are adorable but having one would mean that I will have to be a homeowner because no apartment complex or rental house will accept a raccoon. I have a lot of thoughts on homeownership and how it isn't for me. I will have to get extra vaccines and liscences that I won't have to with other pets. And it will probably rearrange how I can spend my days because I cannot leave it alone for too long. And honestly, I don't want to go through all that for the sake of having a raccoon. So yes, I want a raccoon, but I don't want it badly enough to justify getting a pet raccoon. I'm using a similar thought experiment when it comes to me having a child. Here are a few questions I'm asking myself: Do I want to go through the body horror that is preganancy, labor, and post partum? Do I want to go through my life being a living hell for 3-4 years with the baby and toddler phase with poor sleep, diaper changes, potty training etc.? Am I willing to deal with a screamer? What if the kid has special needs? Am I willing to rearrange my financial priorities and have a significant money saved up for birth, the baby years, college tuition etc ? Am I willing to be fully committed to this child's education and sit with them for homework every night, read to them every night, and push back against the craziness of the American education system? Do I want to raise a kid in an environment with AI dependence and feral kids who don't touch grass? Am I willing to have difficult conversations with them about drugs, sex, difficult family structures, things they see on the media, poverty, as well as other horrors of the world in an age appropriate way instead of just lying to them? What if your teenager has totally different values to you religiously, politically, etc. ? What if your child doesn't excel in school? What if your child grows into someone you didn't expect at all? What if you don't like your child and clash with them on a personality level? What if your child is a serial killer? What if your child sexually assaults someone? What if your child is sexually assaulted? Are you willing to deal with the manosphere and how that can influence your son? How are you planning on addressing the typical ways that boys are raised? What if your child gets into an abusive relationship? What if your child is gay or trans? How are you planning on dealing with gender roles in your household and relationship? How are you planning on disciplining them? What kind of environment would you like to raise your kid and are you willing to make the necessary lifestyle changes? How are you planning on handling extracurricular activities? How are you going to approach extended family? Am I willing to show up and be a parent when my world crashes down (death, divorce, mental health struggles, financial struggles, etc.)? Am I willing to be a parent even with climate change, political and economic instability, school shootings, the american health care system being a mess etc? Are you willing to sacrifice your current relationship? Are you willing to sacrifice travel for a few years? Are you willing to sacrifice your current standard of living financially speaking? Are you willing to sacrifice your free time? Are you willing to sacrifice sitting in silence?

I'm miserable with my life I went to New York 2 weeks ago and coming back just shed a light on how unhappy I am with my life. I hate that I'm still living in Dallas in my big age. I'm sad about the state of my social life and how it feels like I'm no longer living along side my friends. I'm sad about growing apart from people. I feel lonely. Being in a walkable city surrounded by so many different kinds of people who regularly touch grass felt amazing. Like, it felt so much more human. And I know this is so cliche but I feel like there are so many more opportunities in New York and it also triggers a lot of things inside of me regarding unmet potential given my personal history with the place. I'm sad about work because I feel like upper management is taking my role and is stripping every little thing I liked about working here. I hate the office politics. I hate the sense of dread I feel with my projects. I'm also dealing with an existential crisis in my romantic relationship. I realized after this trip and after living with him for the past 4 ish months that this man is perfect in pretty much everyway and I'm falling deeper in love with him. We are intertwined in our habits and we are making each other better people as a result. My dad is starting to really like him. I traveled with him on multiple occasions and I love being around him long term. We are starting to align when it comes to the whole *move to walkable cities* bit. He made me realize that family doesn't have to be a scary and complicated thing. He is someone I can see standing by my side during the most difficult life events, loss of parents, health emergencies, financial struggles, day to day emotional issues etc. And I can see us not only coming out stronger in the end but also us being able to laugh and find some semblance of joy in the process. All of this sounds great, very marriage material right? But the existential crisis inducing problem is that I don't know if I want to be a parent and he is dead set against it. I can imagine a very happy marriage with this person but all of that will go up in flames if I decide that I want to be a parent. I know the choice to have kids isn't exactly a small thing that couples can compromise about but given that he is an amazing partner, I am scared to throw this relationship away for the sake of a hypothetical. Sometimes I feel like my answer is to panic blow up my life by rage quitting, breaking up with my boyfriend, move to New York, get a new job and not tell any of my friends.

Navigating Adult Friendships I feel like I have just been going through it when it comes to this area of my life after graduating college and I want to use this post to review the different parts of it. 1. The Changing Landscape of Maintaining Adult Friendships: A lot of people's lives are much more integrated when they were in school. You go to school 8 hours a day and during that time, you are spending time educating yourself, developing personally, interacting/ socializing with your peers, building / maintaining friendships, and you have some physical activity built in there (recess if you are younger, or even just having a gym period, a sport , or walking from class to class). After school, then you go home to your parents, you do some homework to reinforce learning, you spend time with family, and you get some rest in. However, once you move into working full time, you have 8 hours of work just like you do at school. Except now, the socialization / friendship maintenance isn't built in becuase your coworkers aren't your friends and office politics is a thing (you can have some coworkers as your friends but it's probably not wise to have your social circle and social validation revolve around your workplace). So now you have to schedule hang outs with your friends of a google calendar. Physical activity isn't built in (in a corporate job), so now after work, you need to set an hour aside to do something physical. Family time isn't built in if you choose to move out of your parents' house and it's a whole thing you need to navigate if you move farther across the country so now your parents and siblings are people you need to schedule out in your PTO to see. And self development and learning isn't built in to your job in most cases because companies value shareholder value instead of building a competence workforce in most cases. So unless you are setting apart time to educate yourself and work on yourself through therapy, hobbies, and trying new things, it's very easy to stagnate, especially after age 25 since a lot of people settle into their lives and many developmental milestones are reached by then. I don't think people's order of priorities have changed rather it's harder to water all of those priorities logistically. I feel like back in school, for most people the priorities were the following: Your Wellbeing/ Self Care Family School Friends. But now it's like: Your Wellbeing/ Self Care Work/School Family Friends? (if you can get to it) The order is the same but because of the lack of integration, it kind of feels like friendship is more of an after thought when you try to balance the other 3. And this doesn't even go into detail of the real life struggles people can have regarding things like mental health, job loss, shifting life circumstances, moving, having kids etc. Each of these things can totally rearrange the extent in which people show up or are actively in your life and depending on ther preson, how they communicate, how they deal with problems, what they need emotionally to feel connected and supported, the way you and the other person navigate the situation can be very different. As an only child who prioritized friendships growing up, I have never expected my friends to put me above their siblings for example. I still don't expect that now. But now as an adult, I'm feeling the gap more because friendship is often harder for some people to prioritize and it does fall in the back burner. I think this is why I found it important to be able to differentiate between friends who are actively in my life versus my catch-up/ party friends. The later isn't less quality or less deep, but it is to say that the level of engagement is different. The former has more insight as to where I'm at with my life now, knows who I am more, and is more logistically reliable to show up. The later is usually people who have at one point been more actively in my life but have since stopped being active due to logistical changes (moving, health issues, career changes etc.) but they still put in effort to maintain the relationship we built before by showing up either by catching up every now and then or by showing up for big events like weddings, birthdays, and other celebrations. I was always told growing up that relationships change as you get older. As a teenager, that felt like common sense because I never expected people and dynamics to indefinitly stay the same. But what I wasn't prepared for is how many close relationships can get shallower as a result of the changing level of engagement and the lack of logistical integration, I miss doing life with people and that is still something that I'm still figuring out on navigating. 2. The Grief Around Relationships: With change often comes grief. Over the last 3.5 years since graduating, I lost a couple of friendships. I've had relationships where I know there is a lot of love become shallower. And I have had a lot of relationships where the dynamics were all over the place or kind of took a not so healthy turn, not because we fundamentally changed as people and turned toxic, but because of... well..... life. I feel like I have been dealing with the cycles of grief from the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression, and the acceptance. Denial: I think much of the denial stems from me not fully realizing the extent of which the changing landscape of maintaining adult friendships can influence the dynamics of relationships. It isn't so much me covering my eyes and ears to the changing nature of relationships but it's more of me not fully realizing or articulating to myself the changing reality of what it means to be a good friend once you graduate from school. At this point in my life, I consider a lot of people friends but not necessary good friends. Not because they are bad people but because some people aren't in a place in their life where they can show up and be a good, reliable friend. It's in the same way where someone might be a good person and be smart but because of life circumstances, they aren't a good student at this time. Anger: I've had moments where I have felt frustrated or resentful of the ways people show up in my relationships, especially in regards to how I find myself being the main person reaching out. I am not writing people off in terms of them not valuing me. I know I have genuine people in my life and part of the reason why I show up more is because I have the priviledge of having a more stable life in terms of employment, stable hours, and good physical health / semi decent mental health. I have had to take a step back from some people so that they can have the space to navigate what they're going through without feeling like I'm putting another to-do list item in the form of a catch up meeting. And that also gives me the space to not let the resentment build up (plus I think it's kind of a consent thing if you find yourself being the main person reaching out, like maybe the other person isn't in the space to prioritize this relationship and you cannot keep forcing them to do so.) I also think there is a difference between valuing something vs prioritizing it. For example, I think a person can value friendship but might not be able to prioritize it if they got laid off and are financially struggling. So instead, all their efforts go towards their career even if they aren't a super career oriented person deep down. And I think a lot of people in my life do value me but because of the dumpster fire of a world we're in right now, they cannot always prioritize our relationship. Bargaining: Sometimes I wonder if the reason why I'm struggling in my friendships is because there is something wrong with me. Maybe if I showed up for people in a way that is more aligned with their emotional needs that then I will be more incorporated to their day to day lives as they are going through something. Maybe if I was smarter, funnier, more charismatic, people would want to be around me more and my friends wouldn't be dropping like flies. Maybe if I just did a couple things differently and had a proper conversation, maybe that one friend who abruptly cut me out of their life would still be there with me. Maybe if COVID didn't happen and maybe if my grandmother didn't die in highschool, I would have more friends and wouldn't be as stunted socially. COVID and the mental health issues that came with it basically rearranged my entire college experience and my social life during a time when people often establish life long friendships. And while it was inevitable that my 98 year old grandmother was eventually going to pass away, I had no support system in terms of how to navigate that grief of losing someone in my small family who I saw on an every day baiss. And that eventually led to a situation where I lost all my friends from school. There wasn't a huge conflict, but it's more along the lines I changed a lot as a person after that event and my friends at the time started growing in a different direction (plus they were also 16/17 and it's kind of unrealistic to expect them to know how to handle things like grief in their friend group.) Depression: I think there is a lot of overlap with the bargaining and the depression. I think the intersection of these two things is a sense of self-deprecation. I often feel like I'm not a good friend, that I'm not really a likable person and that a lot of people probably just tolerate me out of politeness. I feel like there is something wrong with me since I'm not particularly successful in this area of my life and I wish I could fix it so that I can be worthy of connection. I feel like I'm not hardworking or resiliant enough and as a result not interesting enough either. I think all of these coincide with the "maybes" in the previous section and I know that a symptom of depression is having low self worth. I feel like these days I do feel a sense of heaviness of the sadness. I had to get off social media because I kept seeing updates about what my friends are doing and it feels sad because I'm watching their lives while not really being in their life or really knowing what's going on with them. It also just feels weird for me to have access to people's lives when I'm not part of it. Like why do I know about some girl who I had a group project with in 2018 that she got married this year? Social media feels oddly parasocial and I think part of it is my own relationship to social media. I don't post on my social media because for me, social media is mainly a place for memes and pop culture. But I do know that for a lot of people, social media is a way to keep in touch and an outlet for self-expression. As a result, I'm not judging social media specifically and I don't think it's the whole problem. Rather, I'm reflecting on the way that I use it and relate to it. The parasociality comes from how it feels one sided with me knowing about my friends but them not knowing me. It also comes from seeing images of various milestones but having very little to no context of what's actually happening. There is only so much you can know from someone's social media and as a result, I never felt it was a legit way to feel connected to people and keep in touch. I don't want to like a few pictures about your trip to Baltimore. I want to at the very least have a conversation on the phone of what that was like for you. I sometimes feel that social media creates a false sense of intimacy in the way that it makes connection seem so frictionless and convenient. Because intimacy is created through intentionality and through the friction of everyday life, whether that is coordinating with people, engaging in healthy conflict resolution, and the process of incorporating people into your life however messy it may be. It isn't the convenience of liking someone's story while you're sitting on the toilet. And sometimes I think this false sense of intimacy is one of the things that is stopping me from moving into a place of acceptance in my grief around my friendships. It makes me feel like I'm part of something that no longer exists and it also gives me a sense of missing out when I do see people out and about with their friends. Acceptance: I think I'm still mainly in the depression phase but I also feel like every new realization I have around friendships in adulthood and as I'm learning to navigate this, that I am moving into acceptance. I've always been the type of person who gets a sense of peace from understanding things after picking it apart and analyzing them. In a way, this entry is part of my process of making sense of my experience and fully accepting it. I also find it helpful to find gratitude in my own grief. The grief is difficult because I have a history of good friends. And I'm so grateful to have experienced something so good that it's absence feels like a void. 3. Friendship is not highly valued and not valuing friendship is the path of least resistance: I am in a romantic relationship and it feels really weird that so much of my social diet comes from my significant other despite us being together for about 4 years now. I was in the chronically single category before meeting this man. That doesn't mean I had an absence of love growing up. For most of my life, my social diet was comprised of my friendships. I credit my success in my romantic life to the friends I have had over the years. I have learned to love, learned to communicate and work through things, have patience and understanding, and so many other relationship skills through my friendships. Because in the end of the day, human relationships are human relationships whether they be platonic or romantic. So someone who is a good friends, has a pretty high liklihood of also being a good partner because the skills are mostly the same. Because of how pivotal my friendships were into shaping who I am today, it feels so disheartening that after school, friendship is often an afterthought. We have so many ways of celebrating romance and families from weddings to baby showers but we don't have the same energy for friends that we put a similar amount of cultural weight to. It isn't weird to date someone new and expect the other person to meet with you once a week but it's clingy and crazy to expect hanging out with a friend once a week. It's normalized to carefully work through things with a romantic partner and have some rough patches but to cut friends off without the same degree of conflict resolution. We have so many ways to conceptualizing a romantic break ups. You cry to Adele and hype yourself up with Beyonce and maybe reinvent and love yourself in the process. But we rarely talk about friendship break ups which can also be immensely painful, sometimes more than a romantic break up. Hell, when you say break up, it's assumed that it is romantic unless specified otherwise. This overemphasis on romantic love segways into the emphasis of the nuclear family as people start getting married and having kids. We have bought into the model of a nuclear family over having a community which can be seen anywhere from how suburban hellscapes are built to who we are allowed to take time off of bereavement and who we can list as an emergency contact. I wrote about this more in a previous post where I talk about how a lot of people once they graduate college, their lives become mostly focused on their jobs and romantic relationships/ later immediate family. Also, I keep losing the baddies to toxic men and toxic workplaces that overwork them and I'm tired. 4. That one specific friendship break up: I'm pretty much over it at this point but it did do a number on me mentally. I still have the following thought loops that come up for me every now and then: I'm also incredibly socially anxious these days. I'm overthinking social situations because I don't want to accidentally come off as weird/ malicious. I think social media has been particularly bad regarding this in the way that it pathologizes normal behavior. Like a few weeks ago, I came across a bunch of posts that said "you're being a bad friend when you say 'let me know if you need anything.'" And I say that quite often as a way to opening the door to giving help so that people can communicate their needs and how I can help. But the internet was like "no, you should be able to know what to do for your friend without them bearing the mental load of telling you what to do during such a difficult time." And then I fell down this rabbit hole where I was like *have I unintentionally been an asshole this entire time??* I have other examples and I think the main solution to this is me touching grass. I think my desire to seek out life advice from the internet is because navigating friendships in adulthood is still something I feel unsure of in my life. And it's not always that the advice is bad, rather, sometimes the advice can be misapplied. For example, I fell down a rabbit hole of people justifying cutting off your friends with no explanation because odds are the other person is not capable of conflict resolution. And yes, there are situations where you have to cut people off with no explanation but there are also situations where that is an inappropriate way of handling things (i.e. when the other person is capable of conflict resolution and genuinely had no idea that you were harboring resentment this whole time). 5. Life Issues: I think there is a variety of things that can fall into this category but I'll list out a few things off the top of my head: Physical health issues Mental health issues Moving across the country or outside the country Job instability (moving around / risk of getting laid off) Financial issues Unemployment Weird, often unsustainable employment hours Toxic Family Members Toxic Significant Others Taking care of aging parents Taking care of siblings Balancing any other family responsibilities Grief (especially of close relatives like parents) Dealing with current events directly impacting friends and family (deporation, wars in the Middle East, issues with the economy and job opportunities, abortions/ lack there of etc. ) Alt-right radicalization Differences in values when it comes to the role of friendship in people's lives (i.e. some people are male centered, career centered, has a niche hobby that take up all their interest etc. and as a result don't really prioritize friendship. Or they are dealing with a different life situation where they cannot nurture their relationships for whatever reason) Getting Married and how that can shift (or in some cases reveal) people's priorities / values Having Kids and how new parents adapt to that Starting school again Travel commitments Each one of these things can totally shake up a relationship and the solutions/ way you navigate them in order to show up for each other will vary from person to person. I think each of these things are a different beast entirely to navigate and it can be tricky, especially when you're in your mid-twenties and people are bouncing around trying to figure out their lives. Like I felt like the entireity of 2024 and 2025 was me getting an update on some kind of major life decision and then I had to figure out what that could mean for my relationships. It has been a lot and I don't think there is much of a guide on how to tackle these types of things on top of the whole changing landscape of how to make / maintain friends. Honestly, I feel like I have more friendship drama at 25/26 than I did at 15/16.

A list of things contributing to the heaviness (AKA Things contributing to the vibes being atrocious societally in no particular order) The events in Minnesota ICE in general ICE protests (I support the ICE protests but it's the fact that we have to protest like this and that things have gotten this bad) The national guard being deployed The Epstein Files The war with Iran Everyone I know being laid off / underpaid and overworked Everything getting more expensive AND getting shittier The education system and people being functionally illiterate AI replacing the workforce and making people stupider Kalshi and other gambling apps Doordash and people going into debt over the stupidest shit Consumerism being shoved down our throats by being constantly advertised to by influencers The feral ipad babies The cost of living crisis The housing crisis The lonliness and the dating crisis The genocide in Gaza The war in Ukraine China trying to invade Taiwan Inflation being in a silent recession of sorts The social impacts of COVID and why people are socialized weird The worsening of wealth inequality Therapy speak and hyper individualism The way that gay and trans people are being treated in terms of laws being passed Trump's shenanigans in Venezuela The manosphere and the way that young boys are being groomed online Trad wife and tradwife adjacent content Climate change The fact that the U.S. is the wealthiest country in history and we can't give regular people a basic standard of living with health care, access to higher education. a livable wage etc. because our money goes to the MIC and we don't tax the wealthiest people enough. Car centric infrastructure The cost of health care The complacency of the Democrats The insanity of the Republicans Religious extemism and nationalism (Christian nationalism, the Evengelicals wishing for the rapture, Islamofacism and terrorist groups, Zionists, Hindu nationalism, etc.) Faux spiritualism (prosperity gospel, toxic positivity, manifestation used incorrectly to reinforce regressive ideologies, anti vaxx, chat gpt psychosis etc. ) The surveillance state I know most of what I have detailed above aren't new issues, they're all just getting worse and it's impossible to ignore. In a way, I feel like the 2020s have just been a remix of all the societal issues in the past 100 years. Like I know we think of the 60s as the Civil Rights era, the 20s and 70s as being the waves of feminism, the 40s being the world wars, the 30s being the depression etc, the 80s being the Aids crisis, but I feel like the 2020s is all of them combined in a way.

A General Feeling of Heaviness I feel a general feeling of heaviness towards three things in my life: work, grief in my friendships, and the current state of the world. I feel like out of these three, work has been stressful but I can manage for the most part, I have come to term with the grief about 90%, but the current state of the world feels the heaviest right now. I remember detailing out the different feelings that I parsed out from the general "I feel like the world is falling apart" sentiment. I wrote about this about a year ago. In this post, I went into detail of the following feelings: dread, apathy, disassociation, complacency, powerlessness, disallusionment, repressed anger, guilt, shame, resentment, worry, instability, grief, and numbness. I wouldn't say that I ever felt any one of these completely. I would more so describe each of these emotions as shades in a broader tapestry that paints a pictures and weaves together. I feel like now, I'm at a point where I have processed most of these emotions. I'm not feeling a sense of dread, the chaos is already here. I managed to pull myself out of my apathy, numbness, powerlessness, and disallusionment by embracing my sensitivity and by combatting the broader sense of cultural nihilism. I have rid myself of the guilt and shame by embracing action in whatever small way I can. I don't feel unheard and resentful anymore as I'm seeing more and more people seeing what I'm seeing and as there are more progressives in politics on a local level. I don't feel worried and I'm not feeling the instability because I feel like I'm too locked in and grounded to the present moment. And I feel like I have processed much of the grief associated with what's going on in this country. Rather, now, I just feel a persistant psychological heaviness. I'm not always focussed on it, but I am always aware of it. I guess if I were to go off of the tapestry example, it's like I have dismantled each of the threads, took a moment to understand and observes all the shades, but while I don't have the tapestry of *the world falling apart* I'm still left with the weight of all the strings. It's like I have this emotional residue from all the stuff that I processed. In addition to that, I would also say that it's like I have changed and processed what's happening, but that doesn't change the fact that the storm is still raging on. It's like being in a toxic household when you have started getting therapy. Like sure, you are now in a place where you understand yourself and your situation better, as well as you have much better coping strategies and ability to navigate difficult situations. But you're still in the toxic household and you're still getting weighed down by it. And every now and then, I do see some good news (I'm looking at you Mamdani lol) and it feels like breath of fresh air, like that weight is temporarily lifted off. But then, the weight comes back down again and in a way it feels heavier because you have something to contrast it to. I'm not trying to change this heavy feeling. I think it has a right to be here and it's a rational response to what's happening in the world. Part of me also celebrates this because it's better than being numb or lobotomized to the realities around us in my opinion. I'm also not trying to cope / fix this experience because I don't think this is something to get over rather it's something to get through. I certainly don't want to make it harder than it needs to be by beating myself up for feeling this way or by using some kind of distraction to temporarily disassociate from this feeling. I don't want to pile on more shit and more problems in an effort to cope with this. But I am tired ot carrying this. I'm tired of this heaviness attaching to me. I don't know how long I'm going to feel like this. I can carry it and I'm strong enough given that I am doing things to lighten the load (healthy coping mechanisms, deconstructing and processing my emotions) as well as strengthen myself in the process (focus on resliance, grounding myself, emotional regulation), but I still don't like carrying this. I genuinely feel like I'm going to carry this heaviness until multiple things fundamentally change within this country. I'm talking livable wages and stable jobs across the board, a wealth tax, way more regulations for coporations, addressing climate change, codifying Roe v. Wade, not causing chaos in the international field, gun control, massive funding and reformation to the education system and so much more. And I know this is foolish on my part, to depend on the external factors I cannot control for my peace and happiness. But I'm trying as much as I can from my internal abilities to cultivate happiness within myself but I still find myself hitting a ceiling that keeps getting lower and lower with each year. It also feels daunting that I will have to deal with this foolery for another 3 years at least and that everyone in my life is being affected by the actions of this administration.

Bump

I'm rewatching this video in tandem with the Epistemic Responsibility video. I'm going to summarize this video in my own words so let me know how well I have understood this video. I think that the video provides a plethora of examples of conformity without going into why these things are conformity. These are the common themes I have found from the examples in the video: Conformity is the by product of group think and cultural conditioning and is a form of survival to navigate in various social systems/ bubbles. Conformity comes from not deconstructing these mechanisms of culture and group think. It's doing things without properly thinking through things and checking in with yourself to see if something feels authentic. Whether or not something is coming from a conformist place can come from how you have come to your conclusions and the level of thinking you have utilized to get to your conclusions. This is where I feel like I see intersection between the Conformity video as well as the Epistemic Responsibility video. Some forms of conformity is denser than others as you go down the sprial. Stage blue conformity (around religion, patriarchy, racism etc.) can be more tangible than say stage yellow conformity (the conformity in higher education and the biases that can come from it). I guess I'm wondering is that where does the divide between choosing something authentically and rationalizing it as a response to fall back into conformity lie? For example, say I decide to buy a house for my own reasons. Is that me rationalizing and falling in line with the conformity of the American dream or is it me genuinely thinking through things and making an authentic decision? I guess to answer that question you need to ask yourself to what extent did you deconstruct your desires to buy a house and still choose to do so anyway. Because deconstuction isn't just taking things apart, it's taking things apart to understand it better and see what parts you want to keep and alter. For example, if you were to deconstruct a sandwhich, you would take it apart and see what the ingrediants are. Maybe you'll see that you don't like the meat as much so you may get rid of it. Or maybe you like the meat and you decide that you want to have turkey instead of ham. Maybe you pick and choose which vegetables you want and then make your own sandwich out of scratch. Maybe you realize dairy hurts your stomach so you decide to leave cheese out of it. Or maybe, you decide a sandwich isn't for you and you get something else entirely for lunch. Just because you deconstruct the sandwich doesn't mean you can't have a sandwich or enjoy one. It's about being mindful of what goes into it, what you like and don't like, and getting a better understanding so you can make a better decision about it. The same form of thinking around deconstruction can be applied to culture, life decisions, or social groups. Conformity would be just eating the sandwich without stopping to think about what goes into it, whether you like it, where your tastes are coming from etc. My other question is what consitutes as following a source in a conformist way versus using sources to fine tune your own understanding? I know when you're researching something, the quality of your sources matters a lot in terms of credibility and the extent of which it's been tested and accurate (then again, you can also deconstruct what is deemed credible and what consitutes accurate testing or else that can also fall into the conformity trap). I guess you could say direct experience but I also think that direct experience can come with it's own biases due to things like sample size and not having enough of a breadth of perspective to accurately summarize a concept or phenomenon. And what's to say that taking in more perspectives doesn't add to the illusions or biases getting piled on top of each other? Or perhaps is taking in more perceptions kind of like a sophisticated camera that uses multiple slightly distorted lenses to create a high resolution picture? I guess maybe it's the extent of which you're consciously taking in information?

1 Year After Plastic Surgery It's officially been 1 year since the surgery and I feel great. I think this was a really good decision on my part and 100% worth the $10k I spent on this. My body image is more stable. I have a better relationship with food and I'm more in tune with my body's queues since I'm focus on the looks less. I have a lot more mental space now that I'm not nearly as physically self conscious. Shopping doesn't feel like torture any more. I feel good on a day to day basis. I will say that I feel 7/10 in my body. I can't say that my body image is perfect. I still have days where I don't feel my best and I think much of it has to do with the return of the early 2000s skinny standards which is very unrealistic given my build. I also think that I'm more insecure about my chest. I wouldn't say that the insecurities I had around my stomach went towards my chest because I don't feel like I returned back to the same place emotionally that I was in pre-surgery. It's more of the fact that my boobs were already big and now they feel even more so because of my proportions. Shopping, while it doesn't feel like torture, is still a chore and a struggle because of my chest. I don't think my boobs are that crazy when I'm naked but whenever I try to put clothes on, that's when I'm reminded that most people are smaller than me and that my chest is disproportionately big. I feel like I can lose a smidge of weight in the body fat percentage sense, not because I'm insecure about my size but because I like the look of defined muscles and I like the thought of having back mucles specifically. I also have the faintest hint of abs after the surgery which is something that has me excited. I'm still a little numb towards my waist but I think I'm like 95% recovered. It's to the point where I don't really think about the surgery all that much anymore. Emotionally, I feel like I'm still working through some self-esteem issues that this process has uncovered. I wrote about this in a previous post: I feel like I have worked through 70% of this. My confidence around my looks is still a work in progress.

2 Months of Living Together It’s been two months since we have been living together and I think that most of the adjustment stuff has been dealt with. We’re both more understanding of what annoys one another and we have found ways around it and/or have discussed it. I’m still dealing with how this living situation is causing me to re-evaluate my life and how it still feels really emotionally vulnerable. I still feel weird about this man having front row seats to my neurotic thoughts and tendencies. I think I have been contemplating on what it means to build a life with someone. I feel like the difference between having a roommate vs living with a significant other is how intertwined you are with each other’s habits and how that can sometimes rub off on each other. While with a roommate you are sharing a space and as a result some chores, you’re still living separate lives. I feel like with a significant other, you’re much more entangled with their schedule and their tendencies in addition to sharing a space with them. I feel like this entanglement is manifesting in a good way. He eats more vegetables and gets more exercise and I have a more consistent sleep schedule and am drinking more water. We’re still figuring out finances at this time. For now, we’re just each paying half the rent and whoever gets around to doing the groceries pays and trusting that it evens out. I’m paying for the internet in it’s entirety since I just had to move over my service from one unit to another and since it’s under my name. We decided that we are going to continue this way to see what we’re working with as far as numbers go for 3 months and then we can work out the details to make this more equitable. As far as family stuff goes, we each go back to our parents’ place about every other weekend. We don’t coordinate that much when it comes to this. I go home when I feel like it and he does the same since we’re both comfortable being by ourselves and neither of us wants to put restrictions on seeing family.

Fasting for Ramadan I started fasting on 2/17. I would say that before going into it, I had a lot on my mind as I described last week. I was also dealing with a lot of stress at work and am continuing to do so. I would say that from 2/17 to 2/24 (the first week of fasting) that I was able to slow down and deal with a lot of the mental clutter. Today on 3/1, I feel a lot better. I woke up today with my head significantly clearer. I think during my last post, I was still getting the clear headed feeling but then that took me back down to my body which is where I became more mindful of the stress. I feel that the physical manifestations of stress is starting to fade. The eczema is less severe. My body isn't as tense. I had the time to do my hair the other day and I feel considerably better. I'm still kind of low energy and I'm sleeping a lot but that might also be a symptom of the fasting and me not eating enough. I do, however, feel a weight of saddness when it comes to my friendships. I'm overthinking things again and I'm sitting with those feelings and processing them. It's been a year since I had to deal with that one awful friend break up and there is a part of me that is afraid of opening up and reaching out to people. I do find myself feeling undesireable and like something is wrong with me but I cannot pinpoint it effectively enough to actually solve it. I think I'm going to write about this more in my main journal. I also miss school. I miss regularly interacting with people. I miss having my main job to educate myself and learn about myself. I feel like socialization and self development were much more baked into everyday life than it is now that I'm working full time. I feel like life is more stagnant after graduating and even if you are intentionally trying to pour into a certain area of your life, things are much more slower moving. I feel like I have some mental blocks I'm dealing with and I cannot help but feel like it was easier to get over such things when I was younger. I think part of it is that you were exposed to more people and ideas readily at that age so as a result you had an influx of new experiences and information to overrride the mental blocks and give you those corrective experiences. I think the other part of it is that you had more time to just sit with yourself and process things because you aren't working 10 hour days, trying to figure out what's for dinner, cleaning, working out etc.

I hate it here so much