soos_mite_ah

I hate it here so much

Some of the comments resonated with me: "I don't think my Mom hates me but I don't think she likes me much. She is deeply disappointed that I'm not the person she built up in her head and that I didn't follow the life plan she wanted me too. She's also completely uninterested in my hobbies and won't even at least feign interest." "I once read someone say that they thought their mother loved them but didn’t like them. I thought about it a lot. Definitely my mother doesn’t like me and never did. She criticised my looks, my personality, my lack of friends, but also the choice of the few friends I had, my temperament, my interests, my body, the amount of food I ate, my effectiveness as a child, the way I thought, my fears, my sensitivities, my worries... She truly was my first bully. I came to see how little self-worth she had herself, and how her life and upbringing probably scarred her. However, I can’t bring myself to feel empathy for her. I don’t know if I ever can, if I’ll ever be healed enough to give her some grace. To this day, she still belittles me. Demands. Compares. Crosses boundaries. I just told her to her face: I hate you. I carry so much rage and so much shame. I am so scared of people because how can I trust anyone when the one person who’s supposed to love you more than anything grinned when she saw you hurt by her doing? She made my life miserable because she was miserable. She made me feel small because she felt small. She humiliated me because she thought it was funny. She was cruel because she could. I honestly don’t think that she even loves me." "I think the main problem is see is treating a child like an extension of themselves. Therefore , anything the child does that doesn't match what the parents expect is immediately seen as threat / problem." "I think parenthood opens people's eyes to how limited their empathy is. Instead of learning and growing some turn to apathy and hatred for their own children. Lots of it is trauma, identity issues, and emotional immaturity (low empathy)."

Physical manifestation of stress I don't feel great physically. I'm getting a stress related eczema which is really itchy. I frequently feel overstimulated because of everything going on in mu mind and with everything going on in work. I haven't been doing my hair and I feel like I look like a mess. My neck and shoulders ache the night before work from the tension. My sex drive is also nonexistant.

Things taking a toll on me 1. The general sense of political instability Venezuela and Iran ICE especially what they're doing in Minnesota emotionally dealing with the contents around the Epstien Files AI and the slop I continuously encounter 2. grief around friendships (this can be a post of it's own) I'm experiences the different phases of grief around my friendships and the way they used to be I feel socially anxious because I don't always feel like I know how to navigate the changing landscape of friends in your 20s I'm experiencing lonliness, depression, and sometimes low self esteem 3. stress at work The AI and automation has caused upper management to expect more work out of us and I'm also dealing with more angry clients since our clients are all boomers who hate AI. I have been training some new hires which has me in the office 3x a week for the past 4 weeks and I'm working like 11 hour days I'm also on a team that's really understaffed and I'm on phones which is it's own specific kind of hell because of the way that department is managed There is also the notion that I have to hang onto this job because of the state of the world right now 4. a general sense of existential crisis I'm not sure if I want to have a kid and I'm re-evaluating a lot of thoughts around parenthood. I'm exploring what settling down means for me and what it means to build a life with a partner. I'm adjusting to living with a significant other. I have never lived with a romantic partner before and while it's going good, we're both navigating each other's habits As a result, I made the decision to fast for Ramadan even though I'm not Muslim. I fasted for Ramadan just to try it out back in 2024 and I had a good experience with it. I just really felt like using this as a mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual reset of sorts. I like how the fasting forces you to slow down and go inwards. It's only been 6 days so far and while the above still weighs me down, I do feel calmer and more centered since I have less energy to spiral. I hope that by day 30 that i would have processed much of the above.

Decentering Motherhood I moved in with my boyfriend recently into a more walkable neighborhood and I think the walkability aspect really caused me to re-envision what motherhood can look like. Sometimes I wonder if it's not motherhood I have a problem with rather it's motherhood in suburbia specifically. I think especially with the notion of the American dream, people are served this vision of the nuclear family who owns a home in the suburbs with a giant backyard. I was also exposed to a different way of raising kids in other environments since I would spend time with my family in India growing up and I also had family in Dubai. Out of all my cousins, I'm pretty much the only one who grew up in the classic American suburb kind of way. The rest of them grew up in apartments in the city. I think one of the good parts of being raised in an apartment in a walkable area of sorts is how it promotes a sense of independence in kids. I have fond memories of being a kid where my cousins and I would go down stairs to the corner store to buy some chips and play with the other neighborhood kids. I remember the youngest age I did that without adult supervision was when I was 6. I was with my 9 year old cousin and his brother, my 3 year old cousin at the time and I remember my older cousin was essentially in charge. The 3 year old would be running around and on the verge of throwing a tantrum and we had to keep him in check. I'm sure that store clerk knew who we were and hated to see us coming lmao. Looking back, I think it was also nice how from the hours of 2 pm to 6 pm we were essentially out and in the apartment complex playing with other kids downstairs not only for our social development but also that gave our parents a break as well. And as I grew older into my teen years, I remember thinking my cousins were further along in terms of feeling confident socially even though I was roughly around the same age as them because they did have that greater independence to go around wherever via public transport to hang out with their friends and go to school by themselves while I was kind of cooped up at home because I couldn't drive. That social gap has since lessened as I became an adult so it's not a death sentence but I did note on how our environments shaped us. I also remember one time my cousin telling me a story about how when he used to go and travel around Europe, occasionally he would meet some teenager in their later teen years just casually travelling around their home country. And they can do that because of public transport. In the U.S, they would have to worry about the complications of renting cars and I'm pretty sure that's straight up not allowed if you're a minor. I cannot see myself as a minivan mom. I don't want to rearrange my entire schedule around my kid, their extra curriculars, and their social lives. After a certain age (like age 10), I want them to just be able to take public transport and do what they need to do. I think a kid having a sense of independence and having their own life is good for their development. Also, I wrote about this in my previous post but I think it's important to not have your entire life revolve around your kids, both for your own sake and their sake. I think allowing them to be bored is good to help them self regulate and I think having them tag along your life rather than you rearranging your life for them teaches them to not be entitled plus how to navigate non-kid spaces after a certain age. I also mentioned that I think after having a kid, contrary to popular belief, it's even more important to mantain your friendships, community, and hobbies. It helps your kid have a more well rounded view of adulthood. It models a good life style for them. It helps them get socialized and have other adults they can look to. And it helps them explore their interests. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to structured activities for kids. But, as a child of Asian parents who were obsessed with having their kids go to Ivy league schools, I don't think that overscheduling them with extracurriculars is the model in which to cultivate their interests. I, thankfully, didn't get the absolute extreme of this parenting style, unlike some of my peers, mainly because I grew up in a poorer area in Dallas county that didn't have as many after school activities for kids and my dad was not open to driving me an hour one way just for piano lessons for example. But I still got to explore interests by learning to be curious about my surroundings and by getting exposed to some of my parents' hobbies as well. Finally, I don't want to show my kid that being a mother is all that I am. I want them to view me as a full person. I know that's not going to be the case for the first 10 years since that's typical for their ego development at that age but I don't want the overall narrative of their childhood to be *mom was exhausted and all she had going on in her life was things that pertained to the home and family.* I think a large part will also have to do with the partner I choose so that all the work load doesn't fall on me and so that taking care of the household and kids doesn't seem like a gendered activity. I also don't want them to think regardless of gender that to be a woman is to sacrifice everything about yourself for the sake of other people. I want them to see that I'm taking care of myself and that I'm being taken care of in the context of an equal partnership where my spouse and I take care of one another. I think what it means to decenter motherhood is similar to the notion of decentering men/ romance. It doesn't mean that you can't date or be in a relationship with a man, rather it means that your relationship status, sense of validation, and overall life doesn't revolve around men, their opinions and perceptions, or any other romantic pursuits and milestones. Similarly, decentering motherhood doesn't mean that I cannot be a mother rather it means that I don't want it to totally dictate my sense of self, the way I structure my life and time, and that I'm not going to have my child be the deciding factor on every little thing I do. Is being a mother something that is a huge part of someone's life especially in the first few years? Yes. But just because it's a large part of someone's life, it doesn't mean it has to be the center and you have to neglect literally everything else. Similarly, my significant other is a large part of my life but I'm not having him tag along every time I hang out with friends, I'm not constantly bringing him up in conversations, and I have a life outside of him and the relationship.

My Concerns with Motherhood (2026 Edition): I feel like I have less of an antagonistic view of motherhood as I have been growing into adulthood. I’ve never been averse to responsibility, but I do see myself as more capable as I get older. But nevertheless, I have come concerns: Money: The world and cost of living wasn’t what it was when I was growing up. And while I think I can fare considerably better in a dual income scenario, I’m still worried about work life balance and the cost over time. I know money isn’t everything. I don’t think I need to have a $500k salary and own a house to give my kid a good life but I don’t want to give them the trauma of poverty and I don’t want to give them a bare minimum childhood either. I also think about saving money for the kid’s college or any other goal they may have. Disability: I feel like I could adapt to a situation like this and that a little risk is always there (like for example if I have a healthy child, they could still get into a car crash and deal with permanent disability). But, it is scary to think about. Pregnancy and Post-Partum: That still sounds like some sci- fi shit right there. What if I have a screamer?: I feel like I can deal with most types of toddlers. Hell, I can deal with toddler tantrums especially given my customer service background lol. But a screamer, there is very little reasoning with them. I also think about this one time I was at yoga and while finishing up my class, I overheard a lady talking to another lady in the bathroom. This lady sounded very distraught and was like “I am dreading going home because my toddler is in this phase where they are constantly screaming. This yoga class is the only time in the day where I get silence.” The other lady was trying to reassure her and say it isn’t forever and that she will get through it. But that interaction is basically my mental birth control if I’m perfectly honest. Hell, even when it comes to dogs, I don't want a husky because of how loud they whine. The baby and toddler years: Honestly, the first 3-4 years sounds like hell. I’m sure there are some very beautiful, precious moments from that stage from the first steps, the first words, etc. But I feel like I would be too overwhelmed with everything else to fully take in those moments. Other people’s feral children: I wrote about this in a previous post but I feel like I have intensified my views since AI became more mainstream.

Updating My Views on Motherhood Much of what I have written in this journal was about 1.5 to 2 years ago. The reason why I haven't written much in this journal is not because I haven't been thinking about this topic, I have, but because I have had other things come up in my life that I had to deal with. I also read through this journal again and it's interesting to see where I was at in say at 23/24 versus where I'm at now at 26. I think I'm also thinking about the topic of parenthood much more now that I have moved in with my boyfriend. We have been together for 3.5 years now and getting a place together is a big step in our relationship. From the beginning I knew he was a good boyfriend, but deciding if he is a good life partner has been a challenge since we met in our early 20s and neither of us knew what settling down looks like for us. And this big decision has been making me think of where I stand in large life decisions like parenthood and if I'm compatible with him on this. I feel like when I was 23, motherhood sounded like a death sentence for me, literally and figuratively. Literally in the sense that in the state of Texas and the overturning of Roe v. Wade, god forbid something happened in the pregancy and I needed a medical abortion, that's not really an option for me. Figuratively in the sense that my whole life would be over and I would have to reorient everything around being a parent. But now at 26, since I have a decent amount in savings, since I'm more adjusted to adult life, I have more confidence within myself around navigating uncertainty with resiliance, and because I'm more emotionally self-regulated, motherhood seems less like a death sentence. If I found out I was preganant and I don't have the option to abort now, I would still freak out because it is a huge challenge, but it wouldn't feel like my life is over in the same way it would if the same scenario happened to me at 23. I definitely feel like I'm more capable now. That doesn't mean that the desire is there or that I should. For example, I'm capable of getting through law school, but that doesn't mean that I want to or i should. Same goes for parenthood. I feel like I'm capable of being a good parent but I'm still trying to figure out if this is what I genuinely want in my life. I wrote about this back in December 2021 and then I revisted it in March 2023 and I want to explore similar points again: Thought #1: Would I Even Make a Good Parent?: Yes, I feel like I would make a good parent given how carefully I'm thinking this decision through and given the work I have done in my personal life both in terms of healing from generational issues as well as the life I have built for myself so far. Thought #2: Kids are Draining: I'm starting to shift on how I feel about dealing with kids and I have gotten better at it over the years. I don't really think kids are draining.... but toddlers and babies on the other hand.... I have accepted the notion that if I decide to have a kid, the first 3-4 years is going to be hell. Will it always be that way? No. Is the 3-4 year of hell worth the human connection and experience afterwards? I'm still figuring that out. I still relate to this: I think if I decide to have a kid, having a good partner is crucial for me. I was also hearing a lot of horror stories of women who started living with their partners and how that ruined the relationship and put them in a position where they were doing a majority of the housework to take care of a grown man. I feel like for my relationship specifically, I dont' think that I'm doing more or less domestic labor because I have a partner who is not offloading much of the responsibility on to me. In some ways, living with a partner makes certain things in life easier in terms of household management. In my opinion, the wrong partner doubles your household responsibilities while the right one cuts it in half. I say all of this to say that raising a kid is a lot of work but having a competent partner makes things suck considerably less. Thought #3: Loving Your Kids but Hating Motherhood I'm still figuring out if motherhood is for me. I understand that prioritizing a lot of things after becoming a parent is harder once you have a kid. As a result, I do intend on fulfilling a number of personal and financial goals before I make a decision like this. At the same time, I think even though society can reduce women down to just mothers, that doesn't mean that you have to as well. I think in the same way you can decide not have your marriage take over your entire life, you can do the same with parenthood. I think you can still maintain your hobbies as a parent, it will likely look very different. Maybe you don't have time to go to the gym and life weights 3x a week but instead, your physical activity comes in the form of running after your kid in the park. Maybe you don't get to have dinner and drinks with your friends but you do get to invite them over to your place and they can also get to know your kid and be an adult in their life. Maybe you will have to put travel on hold for like 3 years but then after that, you can bring your kid along for smaller, more budget friendly trips. And if you do need time for yourself, I think you should take it. It's not selfish. If anything, it will be good for the kid to see that you have a life outside of parenthood and that you're prioritizing yourself rather than having motherhood run you dry. My point is, I don't think that parenthood should be a reason to abandon your hobbies or your community/ friend circile. If anything, I think maintaining your friendships, community, and your hobbies becomes more important, not less, once you have a kid because it can allow your kid to see you as a whole person, it can help them explore their interests, and it can serve as an education on how to maintain relationships as you grow in different stages of your life. It also teaches the kid that not everything revolves around them which can teach them to be more understanding, less entitled, and more independent. I feel like for me, motherhood becomes less appealing to me when I think of the blueprint of centering your life around motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I think motherhood is a great part of my life but I don't think it should fully dominate everything. I feel like I could do another post dedicated to this as well. Thought #4: Birthing the Kid vs Adopting: I feel like I'm still scared about giving birth. But given my experience with surgery and the recovery time for that, I feel like I'm generally in good shape and I don't have a huge history in my family of difficult births. I have heard a couple of horror stories but nothing too insane. I feel like if I keep myself in good health generally speaking things will go smoothly. Will I have to take time to recover from it? Absolutely. Am I capable of that? I feel like that's a yes. I think the surgery experience I had about a year ago made me a bit more confident in this regard. I know it's not a one to one comparison but I do think I see myself as more resiliant and able to cope. Adoption is something that I'm open to but I don't think it's my first option. I have a lot of complex thoughts around adoption and the ethics around it given the way that the adoption and foster care system is corrupted. I also don't know if I'm qualified to take in a kid from the system and raise them in the right way because a lot of kids from the system do come with a lot of baggage to navigate (note: this is no hate towards the kid and I don't mean this as a negative fact, more so neutral, but it is something to take into consideration). I have a friend who is a therapist and who is physcially not able to have a kid due to health reasons but she is thinking of one day adopting a teenager from the system as a part of her family. I think out of all the people I know, because of her professional and personal background, I think that is the best option for her. And personally, I don't think of myself in that camp though I might be open to it as an alternative. Thought #5: Unconventional Maternal Energy : Yeah, I think my maternal energy is very different from the typical baby fever variety. But over the last couple of years, I have grown to understand that the things that draw me to motherhood don't make me less maternal, just differently so. And I don't think this is a draw back. Thought #6: The Moving Parts of Being a Good Mother: I wrote about my concerns back in 2021 and then I wrote about how I feel more reassured in 2023. This is what I wrote: I feel like it rings even more true now. And I think I would be fully ready once I reach my 30s if this is the trajectory I want to take my life. Thought #7: The Chaos of the World : I have written about my concerns about climate change, late stage capitalism, and the general mess we're in as a country. But also, since travelling, I do have more hope for the situation in the U.S. and I doubt that this is the way it's always going to be. I feel like me choosing to have a kid is less about having faith in my immediate future 5 years down the line but more so the hope I have for the future 20+ years from now. Thought #8: The Finality of Having Kids : While I do think that having kids is a very permanent decision, and as a result it's something to be very carefully thought out and not something to rush into by any means, I think the attitude I had about this in the past is seeing parenthood as a death sentence of sorts. I think parenthood can evolve over time to be more or less intensive and it's not something that is stagnant even though it's final. Personally, I want to at least be in my mid 30s when I have a kid (between the ages of 33 and 38) because I want to live a very full life before then. Not because I can't have a full life after having a kid but because I want to have a lot of experiences I can pour into the kid. If I decide to have a kid, I have the rest of my life to spend as a parent, so why rush? That's my attitude anyways. I understand fertility can be a bit of an issue and they say that pregancies after 35 are "geriatric" or "doubles the risk for certain disorders." But I do think some of that is overstated due to misinterpretations and existing biases to push women to have kids sooner rather than later. For example, let's say you're the average woman with no family history of genetic disorders and as a result, for example's sake, you have a 1% chance of having a kid with a disorder if you have the kid before 35. Then, let's say the risk increases by 50%. Your new risk is 1.5% not 51% because 50% of 1 is .5 and the 50% increase equals to 1+.5=1.5. So a 1.5% risk vs a 51% risk are two very different things in terms of the data you're using to make an informed decision. However, let's say you are coming from a family with a history of genetic disorders and the risk you had before turning 35 is 20%. After 35, the new risk is 30% which is a considerabley higher. So that's when you need to take the age part more into consideration. I also wrote about the following in 9/2023: I also still agree from the following section from 9/2023:

Nihilism Part 11: Luxury Poverty I have encountered the concept of luxury poverty a few months ago and how that's the state that a lot of people, especially Gen Z lives in right now. I remember thinking about how that can contribute to a broader sense of cultural nihilism but I have been having trouble in articulating that until as of recently. Luxury poverty refers to how the economy has flipped in recent days to where necessities like healthcare, childcare, and rent are getting more expensive, while luxuries like the newest flat screen TV, appliances, travel, and designer goods are getting cheaper relative to income. I found a bunch of videos on this but I think this video does a good job explaining this: Luxury poverty creates a situation where compulsive consumption and cheap luxuries are more appealing than long term goals. There is an incentive to live now and teat yourself over the delayed gratification of long term financial goals. Why try to save money for a house when that's pretty out of reach for the average person when you can stop worrying about the housing market and go treat yourself to a Labubu and a matcha latte? This fuels this sense of nihilism because when long term goals like having kids, going to college, buying a house are out of reach, it's like *what's the point?* And as an alternative, we can numb outselves with compulsive consumerism and cheap luxuries to deal with the existential dread of losing the typical pathways of generating meaning in our lives. I think that this video goes into depth on how this addictive tendency manifests in us frying our dopamine receptors and that is leading us to be less fulfilled. I'm going to list out a few key points I thought were important: "I don't think you're husband is lazy, I think he's lost. And when someone feels lost, in other words no vison for their life, no purpose, no meaning, no direction, then I do think that the defaut mode is to distract oneself with pleasure and that's the antithesis of work." Dopamine isn't inherently bad, it can come with the consequences of giving us good feelings when we do what's good for us. The problem with addictions is that it bypasses the work that is necessary to get the good feelings and it goes straight for the good feelings or dopamine itself. Addictions take a way pain and gives us pleasure so now that we live in a world with an increase of depression, anxiety, isolation, and a sense of purposeless or meaninglessness, this becomes very appealing. We also have our natural healthy sources of dopamine get depleated and we are getting introduced to this artificial, addictive source of dopamine in the form of things like social media. I think this also applies to the luxury poverty phenomenon where healthy sources of dopamine from long term goals are becoming out of reach so short term gratification becomes more appealing. The more we use technology, it deprives us from getting joy from other places. For example, reading becomes boring if you're used to getting huge dopamine spikes from hyperspecific algorithms in Tiktok. I think you can apply the same logic in the form of shopping addictions and overconsumption. People who are content can tolerate not having pleasure. I agree with this. I think since a lot of people are struggling with the lack of contentment from the cost of living crisis, it's easy to default into trying to maximize for pleasure or other negative coping mechanisms that further fuck up your finances like DoorDashing all your meals. Boredom is healthy. There is subconcious emotional processing and creativity. Emotional supression = substances can be abused to supress emotions and increase pleasure = addiction = no bueno (supressing the negative emotions can also help people feel normal temporarily which increases their dependence on it which can be difficult to treat) The human body and brain are designed for a good amount of idle time. That's when you process your emotions and learning. So when we use a lot of technology or we're super focussed on efficiency, we get in our own way of processing things so stuff comes up when we finally get the idle time when we're trying to sleep. >> silence is an important way to understand yourself but instead we're getting all this information from the outside (when you listening to too much parenting advice, that can become counter productive. The best decisions come internally but also, you want to be mindful that you aren't filling your mind with bad information) I think when you're in the luxury poverty trap, because you aren't content with your life, you have trouble tolerating not having pleasure. As a result of not being able to tolerate situations without pleasure, you also have trouble handling feelings of boredom which then translates to not processing your emotions and living a less passionate, more nihilistic life. I also think that the noise from social media as well how common it is to work long hours and monetize all your hobbies also interferes with your ability to process things as well since you're constantly on the go. When we're angry or sad, our emotional peripherial vision gets narrower > we cannot see all the possibilities, we only see one. I feel like this goes back to how ideology isn't just what's around us but it's also all the wrong ways we hope to escape it and how people who are upset with capitalism unknowingly, end up having fantasies about capitalism to escape capitalism. I wrote about it more here:I think the discontentment that capitalism brings makes it tough to psychologically try to envision a better future for ourselves. People who are super into efficiency are greedy. It's this nortion of *I want more* where you try to milk each and every second of a day.

Thoughts Around Moving in with My Boyfriend It's been about 1 month and I feel like I'm still adjusting to living with him. Up until now, I always had a really smooth relationship with him but I think moving in together has been a bit of a rougher patch. And I want to explore that a little bit. 1. First world problems: I always knew that my white American boyfriend and I had cultural differences but I don't think it started causing friction until we started living together. I know this sounds dismissive but I feel like so many things he complains about are first world problems. For example, if I take food out to go from a restaurant and the box they gave me is actually somewhat strudy and reusable, I save those containers to use as tupperware later on. This annoys him because those are still supposed to be disposible and that I should buy regular tupperware since those stack easily in the cabinets and look nicer. Another example is how I tend to wear shirts even if they have a tiny hole in them that you wouldn't notice unless you were up in my space. I like to use my clothes until they are destroyed and I have fixed them up a few times not only because I don't like waste but also because I don't want to contribute to fast fashion. This annoys him because he's of the opinion that once a shirt has a small hole in it, it's time to get rid of it and get something new. Finally, we have been hit by a winter storm in Texas. Don't get me wrong, I do think that it's important to stock up and prepare since Texas doesn't have the infrastructure to cope with weather like this. But this man has been preparing like we're going to be snowed in for months and as if the apocalypse is going to happen. And I told him point blank that it's good that we're going through basic prep but given that it's Texas and shit doesn't last for too long, it really doesn't scare me to be cold and hungry for 2-3 days if things got dire. I think for him, he's freaked out by a degree of discomfort and inconvenience. And that rubs me the wrong way because I was taught to be able to overlook the small things, endure uncomfortable situations, and preserve/ make the most of what I can get because of my immigrant parents and what I was exposed to in other parts of the world. That said, I do respect that he wants a higher standard of living for the both of us. Just because you can endure not so great situations doesn't mean that you have to stay there and justify it. 2. Being perfectionistic when it comes to cleaning: He's always complaining about the grout, he's freaking out over the imperfect paint job near where the shower meets the walls, and he's meticulously washing the windows. I'm glad that he has an attention to detail and that he wants to take care of these things for the household. I'd much rather prefer this to having to pick up after a grown ass man and deal with weaponized incompetence. But it gets to a point where he fixates on the flaws with this place instead of being able to enjoy it. I do clean just to keep up with basic hygiene but I feel like there is no such thing as good enough for this man. And while I respect his attention to detail and the way he wants to do a thorough job with things (honestly, I can learn from him here), it can get nitpicky and annoying after a certain point. 3. Cooking: This man is paranoid about food poisoning. I keep getting lectures on food safety over the most minor things. For example, I accidentally heated up more chicken than what we were going to eat and I was going to put the remaining amount back in the fridge and then I got a lecture about how cooling and reheating food multiple times can get you sick. Another time, I was doing something in the kitched and I scratched the tip of my nose. I didn't pick my nose, I didn't sniffle, it was just the smallest scratch. Then, that man made wash my hands for 3 minutes before I did anything else and I got a 10 minute lecture on how Gordon Ramsey would have gotten on to me about this and how this wouldn't be allowed in a professional kitchen. He also is really meticulous on cross contamination when it comes to raw meat and he doesn't like food that has been in the fridge saving for too long. He has also thrown a tantrum with the dishwasher because it didn't perfectly wash all the dishes and there was a little spec left on one of the bowls. Finally, whenever there is a fruit or vegetable that's a bit spoiled, normally I would cut out the spoiled piece and then use the remaining portion that wasn't spoiled. He makes me throw the whole thing away and that annoys me because it's wasteful. All that said, I did have a reduction on stomach aches over the duration of our relationship once I started following his rule about not eating food after a certain number of days even if it looks fine. So, my problem with all of this isn't that he's wrong. My problem is that he's doing the absolute most and he's being paranoid. It's good to keep these things generally in mind so you don't get sick but you don't have to panick about one little thing being off. It's gonna take a whole lot more to full on kill you of food poisoning for example. In most cases, either you won't feel it or you might have a small stomach ache. On top of all of this, for the first 2 weeks of us living together, we didn't have a proper bed or mattress so we were sleeping on this super uncomfortable pull out couch. The couch bed is fine for a couple days or so but when you're sleeping on that for 2 weeks straight, that's when it takes a toll on you. Thankfully for the last couple weeks, we did get a proper bed and we have been sleeping better. I feel like that helped my mental health. But I'm mentioning all of this to say that his man has been annoying the fuck out of me over the littlest things. And I'm going to be honest, I have been super dry despite wanting to have sex as a result of me being constantly annoyed. --------------------------------------------------- That said, me being overwhelmed isn't just his fault. I'm also putting pressure on myself as well and this whole thing has been an adjustment for me. 1. I've been hyper aware of all of my bad habits: I feel like this is the case because I don't want my boyfriend to side eye / judge me. I mean, he's not super judgemental but it's more along the lines of *I don't want to embarrass myself in front of my crush.* Like I'm making sure that I'm brushing my teeth and doing my skincare routine every night, that I'm more consistent with things like working out and drinking water, and that I'm not doomscrolling my entire weekend away. All of this is good but I do feel like my own perfectionistic tendencies are creeping in along with this new pressure to be consistent with good habits. 2. I feel like he has a front row seat to all my mental health issues: I would say that I'm a high functioning depressed person. I feel like in most situations people cannot tell because I hang out with people normally, I do my job, I work out and eat healthy etc. Like, even if I was having a bad day, I can self regulate for a few hours, do what I need to do, and then be alone with my thoughts. But I feel like now that we are living together, he sees my crash outs more. I did open up to him about things before so this isn't coming from an emotionally unavailble place for me, but I'm not used to this degree of emotional vulnerability. I feel like this is different from just having a roommate because your significant other is more invested in you and your emotions and it's also hard to privately cry yourself to sleep when you share a bed with someone. It just feels really vulnerable living with a significant other and I'm still adjusting to that. 3. I'm also having an existential crisis over my future: This is a really big step for us as a couple and I do find myself thinking about what living in a walkable city would be like, if I want to have kids etc. I remember even before us living together, I had a couple of sleepless nights where I was thinking how at the end of 2026, I'm either going to end a 4.5 year relationship or I'm getting engaged, there is no in between. I feel like I'm grappling with the weight of this and that I'm leaning towards the former. At the same time, I'm trying to remind myself not to do anything impulsive and not jump to any conclusions because we're both still adjusting to one another right now and we don't have all the information to make a good decision. 4. No more "girl dinner": When I was living by myself, when I didn't feel like cooking dinner, I would eat a random assortment of snacks and call it a night. But now that I'm living with a grown ass man who eats almost twice as much as I do, we have to make dinner every night and have sides. I'm not used to cooking this much and I think it's something that I'm adjusting to. I'm still trying to figure out portion sizes for the both of us so I'm not here cooking too much or too little and I'm going to have to accept that my grocery budget is going to be considerably higher going forward. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I also feel like a lot of positives are coming out of this as well: 1. I'm happy I get the little moments with him: The big reason why I wanted to move in with him is because I feel like we reached a point in our relationship where I wanted to enjoy the little things in life with him like cooking meals together, doing the laundry while we're in each others presance, making each other some hot chocolate after a cold walk, cuddling every night etc. And while it's a bit of an adjustment on how vulnerable it gets sometimes, I find that overall it's been a good experience and it's bringing us closer. 2. I feel like this is helping me figure my life out: I feel like the main reason I don't know what settling down looks like for me yet is that I'm lacking in certain life experiences. I feel like this is helping me get a better understanding of what I want and where to go from here and this new experience is giving me opportunities to look at questions I have had for a whlie in a different light. 3. Life does overall feel lighter with him: I know he's kind of annoying me right now but I think that's part of the transition as we get used to each others quirks. I also know that some women, particularly those who have to deal with the weaponized incompetence and uneven distribution of household labor, talk about how their work doubled when they started living with a man. But I feel like in my situation, since I have an equal partner who I can lean on for support emotionally and in terms of splitting the household labor, my work doesn't feel doubled, it feels like it was halved. Like on days where I'm overwhelmed with work, I can go for a work out and not have to worry about dinner because he will take care of it. And then, later on, I can do the same for him. This has helped me stay consistent on some good habits and helped me take a break here and there, I have also heard the take that a good marriage isn't hard because your partner is making things hard, it's hard because life is hard and you two need to learn to navigate that together. I can definitely see this person being a good partner throughout a lot of life's ups and downs on a day to day basis and we can make things easier for each other in the process. 4. I do enjoy being able to have physical contact with him more frequently: It's really nice being able to cuddle each other every night and being able to have physical affection throughout the day instead of having to wait all week.

Is independence way to avoid conformity? If anything, I believe that living by yourself in America is the conformist take and that living intergenerationally is going against the post war norms of this country.

I think it's a case by case basis and that we shouldn't romanticize multigenerational living OR getting kicked out at 18 to start your own life away from family. The pros of multigenerational living is that you have a built in sense of community to help you out. It can foster closer emotional bonds, helps people save money, and can be good for the environment because you're sharing resources rather than having to get a whole new place for each person. I think child rearing in these situations are healthier because the giant responsibility doesn't fall on one or two people and everyone can pitch in and the child also have multiple role models and people who are actively in their lives. In an ideal world, I would want my kid to be brought up in an environment like this. . However, these pros are under the assumption that you have a more or less healthy family dynamic. If anyone is abusive, doesn't understand boundaries, or is out here creating chaos and dysfunction, living in a multigenerational household can get really messy really quickly to where people are feeding off of each other's toxicity. Unfortunately, with my family's dynamic, since I don't live in an ideal world, I have decided to get my own space. The pros of living in a more nuclear and atomized fashion is that you get more independence to assert your own sense of individuality. Because you are less reliant on people, you are less likely to get emeshed. Boundaries becomes MUCH easier to employ and maintain. It forces you to learn a lot of important life skills since you're responsible for the whole thing. Also, if you have a sense of self reliance, economically, emotionally, and other wise, you're less likely to stay in circumstances that aren't healthy for you since you have the means to fend for yourself. However, these pros really do flourish if you still have a sense of community and regular socialization outside of your home. Otherwise, you kind of turn into a hermit with not a lot of social skills and that can cause you to stagnate in a lot of ways in life. And even if you are independent, it's still important to know when or where to ask for help and also return the favor.

Background Character Energy I feel like a background character in my own life. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I have tried to find ways to resolve it and make sense of it over the years. I've been told "oh, you feel like a background because you let life happen to you and you don't take charge or responsibility." But that's not true. I do take charge of my own life and I have goals and ambitions. But I still feel like a background character. I have been told "oh, it's because you don't have a life. You need to go out and live." But that's not true. I have a job, interests, hobbies, and friends. I have even tried to take a page out of the "how to be a main character" book and I have tried romanticizing my own life and be present. I do that, and I still feel like a background character. I'm also not a people pleaser. I have passions and hobbies. I'm not a critic looking at life with disdain from the side lines. I listen to my own wants, needs, and boundaries. But I still feel like a background character. And in a way, it's kind of freeing. I'm not making the same dumb mistakes the plot worthy main character makes and I'm not going through gnarly character development. I kind of show up for .2 seconds, become a meme, and the go off screen to live my best life. I dance like no one is watching. I wrtie like no one is going to read it. I travel like no one will hear my stories. I work out like no one will see my athleticism. I get good grades like no one will reward me for them. I live my life as if no one will remember I was on this earth, because no one will. I am a very intrinsically motivated person which is something i have always loved about myself. But at the same time, I feel like there isn't anything noteworthy about me. I'm not pretty, but I'm not ugly either. I'm not smart, and I'm not dumb. I'm not interesting, but I'm not bland either. I don't see myself as particularly good or bad. I see myself as having the capacity to be perceived or embrace either way. I just feel like I'm kind of ... there. This also feels freeing in a certain way because I don't have a super solid ego and I have a more nuanced image of myself and as a result, I'm more open to growth and feedback. And it's so weird because growing up, I have been described as stealthy and secretive, but I have never made the effort to hide anything. I've always been.. just here. I just don't think anyone notices. And sure, I have body image issues, but on top of that, seeing photos of myself always felt uncanny. I also think that my history with childhood emotional neglect from my family might contribute to this. I have heard that people who have been neglected in the past often think that their presance doesn't mean anything and are often shocked when people say that they are missed. I find myself relating to this. Maybe that's why, despite having a full life, I feel like a ghost who has no impact on people or things.

I'm waiting to see how the midterms go to see what to do from there.

Feelings Going into 2026 I wrote about how I was feeling a sense of dread around New Years for 2024 and 2025: I feel like this time around, I'm not really feeling a sense of dread, just exhaustion. I feel a little burnt out at my job and they keep piling things on in my department. But I can also recognize that this is kind of my fault because I don't really take my PTO. I'm also not too happy about what's going on politically especially given that we started some shit with Venezuela yesterday. But I also feel some degree of hope from the Zohran win and the Katie Wilson win. Also, while the Trump presidency is still going on, I feel like the most intense part where they try to pass everything in the first 100 days is over. And it's good to see people being resistant to this administration. I think compared to the posts above, I feel more confident in myself, my ability to handle adult responsibilities, and my ability to handle uncertainty as I'm getting older. The dread I feel regarding my job has subsided in the sense that I dealt with a lot of the emotions regarding my career and a sense of stagnation last year. The dread I feel regarding responsibility and aging parents is still there in the back of my mind but also, again given my greater sense of confidence around the unknown, I feel like it's much easier to deal with and not nearly as big of a thing taking up space in my mind. I also feel more confident in myself financially since 2024 which speaks to me having a better relationship with money. I think the main thing that contributes to this sense of exhaustion is feeling like I don't have much free time. I just really miss the extended breaks I would get from school. I also think me being so busy during the holiday season contributes to this. I hosted Thankgiving, I had a number of social obligations I had to meet. I moved apartments. And I also got sick a couple times. All while work being busier than ever. I think I also fell off track with exercising and cooking at home. I have been doing what I can with the time and energy I have and it's fine that I prioritize some things over having a perfect work out schedule / diet. But I really want to get back on track in January, not in a *new year new me let me lose weight* kind of way but in a *hey, I need to get back on track when it comes to taking care of myself* kind of way. I think another aspect to this sense of exhaustion is that I'm also still mildly depressed because of what's happening in the world and my social life being kind of dry. It feels like the world is getting less and less human because of AI and convenience culture. I'm also mourning a lot of relationships and the way that they have changed over the last couple of years. I knew relationships will change as we grow up, but I wasn't expecting so many of my relationships feel like they have gotten shallower. Sometimes it feels like I don't know my friends and that they don't know me anymore and that's difficult to sit with sometimes. But I do feel like I have a lot to look forward to. I'm living with my boyfriend and we have a nice place in a walkable area. I want to get into baking with him. And I have a few goals to reach fitness wise. I also think living with him and living in a walkable area is going to help me reduce my screentime and touch grass lol. And overall, I think this is a good environment for healthy habits. I also think that living together will help me figure out what I want from my life which is kind of scary and exciting at the same time. So, I guess we'll just see how that goes.