soos_mite_ah

I Feel Like a Loser in My Mid-20s I was on social media the other day and I stumbled across someone I went to high school with (let's call him B). B got some kind of award to help out the queer community in NYC along with a large lump sum of money to fuel his passion project. After highschool, he went to an Ivy league university on a full ride, got a great job, and also became a drag queen in the spare time. I can't say I know much about his life now, but I do remember while going to school with him the kind of person he was in terms of his work ethic, the way he interacted with people, and his general homelife and financial situation. From what I know about this person, this is a genuinely successful, charismatic, and purpose filled person who is going places. And seeing his acheivements does make me happy but at the same time, it leaves me thinking *well, wtf have you been doing with your life you piece of shit?* Then I started doomscrolling, not politically but much more so socially, and I started searching up all the people I compared myself to over the years (I know.... such a smart move for my mental health). Among those people include the following: 1. This one girl I had a couple classes with in college who was Miss Texas while we were in college and later went on to graduate law school, got famous on social media, and ran for public office. (she's like 3-4 years older than me and I doubt she remembers my existance lol). Oh and she got married this year as well. 2. Another girl who I went to college with who was really good in all of her classes, would get any opportunity she applied for, gave of debate bro energy in a good way, and was also, hot as fuck lol. Now, she did a teaching program abroad, got a couple of high profile internships as the UN and the government, and just started law school in an Ivy. 3. One of my friends who is like super social and can make friends anywhere and just has a social calender who is booked and busy. 4. Another one of my friends who graduated with her masters at a prestigious institution, who is living in D.C., who has a good social life, and who is working in a field that is adjacent to their desired field. I just wish I was as hot, confident, smart, and hardworking as these people. Like I feel like a background character in my own life and I feel like I don't have a greater sense of passion fueling me towards a sense of purpose. I feel like I flopped so hard in college both socially and academically which has led me to lead kind of mediocre life. It kind of goes back to something I wrote about earlier in my journal: I can't say that I'm devoid of passion and purpose in my life. I have a couple of close personal relationships. I have hobbies and I make and effort to educate myself. I'm not rotting in bed all the time. I have a generally physically, mentally, and financially healthy life style. And while I'm not in my desired field, I am making the most of where I'm working currently. I have a handful of things there and there that I work towards as a side quest, but I have yet to find my main quest lol. And I guess I have it good in that I'm not a *total* loser, but I'm not exactly killing it at life and checking off achievements either. Like... I'm just mid lol. And I live in a mid ass city where not much happens despite us living in a constant flurry of historical events with a mid ass job where most people have been infected by the cultural nihilsm. I feel uninspired with my surroundings both environmentally (not living in a walkable environment with people who are capable of valuing friendship the way I do) and socially (at least when it comes to the people I'm around at work). I haven't found my people, I haven't found my sense of purpose, and I'm still stuck in this fuck ass town. And I feel like I have run out of time to a certain extent. I feel like I should have more things figured out by now.

Working on My Internalized Cultural Nihilism Pt. 2 I wrote this post about a month ago and I have a few updates. I have gotten back into working out and I have been better about my habits regarding cooking and keeping my space clean. I have been more social lately as well. While that doesn't sound like a lot, I feel like it has been a good positive shift in the right direction and I just feel better overall. I still feel kind of numb around politics. I haven't been reading. And I do need some hobbies lol. As for long term goals, I think a career change, a move to a walkable city, and more socialist friends are good to keep in mind. -------------------------------------------------------------- My attention span still feels shot though. I also still feel isolated because my social needs aren't being met. Politics and observing the state of society still feels like looking into the abyss. My career aspirations feels stagnant. And sometimes, even when I'm "living my best life" things still sometimes feels hollow. While things aren't perfect and is still a work in progress, overall, I feel much better about life. I don't feel burnt out as much. The existential dread I have feels more manageable. I feel less over and understimulated. I feel like I'm prioritizing resiliance, problem solving, and enjoying the journey over comfort, convenience, and efficiency which has left me feeling more engaged with life around me and more fufilled. I feel like I have better people skills now that I'm touching grass more lol. And though I don't like my job, I do think that reframing my mindset around it and me socializing/ showing up more authentically has alleviated some of the pressure and internal resistance I was feeling.

Screentime Logs I know that I haven't been logging my screen time on a daily basis like I did before. I think much of it is because the process of logging my time every day started to feel a bit redundant and repetitive. I think overall, my screentime is much healthier than when I first started my journal. I still check my screentime throughout the day in order to keep myself accountible so me not doing the daily logs is not indicative of my lack of accountibility. I think going forward, I just need to keep my social media usage in check. I have dealt with the whole thing about me being on my phone at night or early in the morning. I'm usually using Youtube in a healthy way. I'm not dependent on my phone on basic functioning such as noting things down, navigation, etc. My screentime is also not out of control. It's usually in the 4-2 hour range but considering a chunk of that is probably me listening to music, I think I'm doing well for myself. I'm not necessarily struggling with social media but I do notice that I tend to whip it out still when I'm overstimulated / stressed which is something I want to improve on. I don't really do it because I'm bored of I need to decompress in the way that I would in the past. But I do also tend to go to social media when I feel like I need to process existential dread. I think I generally have a healthy way of navigating that tbh. I'm also going to revist some goals that I set for myself about a couple months ago. I didn't really carefully think out this list rather I just jotted some initial thoughts down so as a result, I never saw this list as something that is set in stone, rather it's just a guideline. In other words, I think #2 and #3 are things that I want to keep in mind but not necessarily focus on. I think I'm like 75% there when it comes to crossing off #2 and #3. #4 is something that I want to be more intentional about going forward. I hope to transition into #5 by December 2025.

Friendship in Adulthood I showed up to my friends house warming party. I told her that my boyfriend and I were going to show up early to help her set up. She changed the time like 3 times because her day was chaotic and she was freaking out but we showed up earlier than her suggestion nevertheless. She was super anxious about letting us in because her apartment was messy with stuff and laundry all over the floor, food that she wasn't sure what to do with, a sink that was filled to the brim with dishes, the decor not being set up yet, and her room was filled with random things since she moved into this place quite recently. My boyfriend and I showed up, didn't judge her, and helped her clean up. I started with the dishes where I just put everything into the dishwasher to stash things away. I wiped down the counters and put the food in the oven so it wouldn't get cold. My boyfriend helped with the decor and arranging the furniture. And all of us just started picking things up and stashing them in the closet in the time being. All of this was kind of frantic since the party was going to start in about an hour but we ended up making it work. The event was a success and we all had a lot of fun. It was originally supposed to be 15 people but it ballooned to 45 people in a one-bedroom apartment lol. We had a couple noise complaints but thankfully no cops. There was alcohol and I just had a bottle of lychee flavored soju and a couple shots in the night. We also had tacos along with a bunch of snacks and desserts ther (I took a slice of cake home since I was kind of full). As for activities, we played a half game of uno, we had karoke, and just general hanging out. Most of her friends were people she met at college, combined with my friend group, and a couple people from work. Despite the noise complaints, nothing really got out of hand. We're all in our mid 20s so there wasn't like people getting sloppy drunk, random couple fighting amongst themselves, people crying in the hallway, or property damage. It honestly felt like a college party without the messiness lol. I found myself overstimulated by the whole event, but in a good way. I feel like since I got my corporate work from home job, since I'm not socializing as much, I have a pretty high social battery to the point where I forget that I'm an introvert lol. I feel like once a bunch of people started trickling in, I found myself just sitting there taking everything in because I was overstimulated. But times like this, I'm reminded of that real quick. I found myself being exhausted in the same way that you feel exhausted after a good workout. Like sure I'm tired, but I'm not drained and it feels like I did something good for myself. While I cannot say that I walked away with new connections and friendships, I will say that it felt nice to experience a feeling of social abundance. Like I said earlier, it kind of felt like I was back in college without the messiness that college parties can bring. It was a general feeling of community amongst people that I felt generally comfortable around. I think I missed out on a lot of the social aspects of college because of a variety of reasons ranging from my own mental health, the pandemic, and just my college's social environment being filled with weirdos. And I think this party kind of filled that void that I felt like I missed out on so many years ago. I also started thinking about what it means to show up for people in a community setting. I'm glad that I showed up for my friend, not only for the party but also helping her clean up and set up. I think it brought us closer because I got to help her and she had the opportunity to be vulnerable with the state of her apartment. I have seen posts where people talk about how everyone wants to have a village but no one wants to be a villager. And I do think that can be true but I also think there is an additional step where people also don't give people an opportunity to be a villager and show up for them because a lot of people are afraid of asking for things because they're afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of judgement, afraid of seeming dependent, or afraid of coming off as a burden. I think a lot of people, due to this form of hyper individualistic self help, feel this pressure to be perfectly put together in their lives but also emotionally to where people are quick to label one another as dyfunctional or cut people off entirely. I saw this post on instagram the other day and I think it summarizes my view of things well: On a similar note of prioritizing emotional convenience, I found myself thinking about the relationship between prioritizing relatability and compatibility, and prioritizing diversity and challenging oneself intellectually. I understand the desire to prioritize relatability and compatibility because you want people to be on the same page as you in terms of values and it's easier to connect to someone you have similar experiences with. At the same time, I feel like if you take it too far, you can lock yourself into certain bubbles or limit yourself entirely to great people just because you had an initial impression of. I feel like a lot of married people fall into this trap where some people feel like they can no longer relate to their single friends because they're in a different stage in their lives (at least romantically) and as a result, their single friends won't understand. And, to that I say, be vulnerable, have the difficult conversations, and help them understand instead of jumping to the conclusion that they cannot empathize just because they don't have the exact life situation as you. Sure, having those conversations aren't emotionally convenient, but they are important if you want to maintain your connections and it's also an opportunity to learn from one another. That's what I like about my friendships, we all come from different backgrounds, cultures, and family situations. We're also working in different industries, have different priorities, and we have different schedules and life styles. And sure, it's hard to maintain some of those connections and we sometimes run into roadblocks on deepening certain relationships, but to me, that challenge and inconvenience is worth me not getting locked into my own bubble. I feel like every single person in my life brings a valuable perspective and approach to life because they are different from me. Not only do I learn from my own life experiences, but I get the opportunity to learn from there's as well. And then, we can give each other advice and perspectives that can help each other out. At the same time, I think a certain amount of relatability and compatibility is important. I think personally, I might be a little too much on the diversity / challenge end. I look back at my experiences in school and college, and I think I have always been the odd ball. I never "found my people." Despite finding a good handful of friends here and there, I always felt like socializing and maintaining friendships was an up hill battle (especially when I was in college, a time that for many people is a time they socially flourish and find their communities). That said, I think always travelling uphill has built up some good metaphorical leg muscles to where I'm good at assimilating/ adapting socially, I'm good at empathizing with people in different life circumstances, I have decent conflict resolution skills, and I can generally get along with a wide range of people. However, some incompatibilities are harder to deal with than others and it has led me to feel kind of socially malnourished. I'm going through a bit of a dry spell socially because a lot of people in my life, while they're good people, are just going through it to where they don't prioritize friendship in the way that I do or they do prioritize friendship the way I do but aren't in a position to express that in a way that doesn't cause them to burn out in the process. As a result, I have been finding myself in a loop of catch up friendships and highlight reel friendships. I wouldn't say that I'm neck deep in the lonliness epidemic and that I'm socially starved rather that I'm socially malnourished. I would equate healthy relationships that you nurture on a regular basis to where you're living life along side the other person as complete, healthy, and nourishing meals. It leaves you feeling full, satified, and well taken care of. I would say catch up friendships as like a snack. They can be healthy when it comes to maintaining certain relationships in times when logistically it's hard to spend time together regularly, but if all that you do is catch up, are you guys really in each other's lives? Like a snack, it can range from healthy and nourishing to kind of like junk food where you're watering dead plants. Either way, you want snacks as moderation and as a supplement to your meals, not a replacement. Finally, highlight reel friendships, friends where you don't have the time to sit down and catch up with and instead you mainly enounter at group events or parties, are like desserts. They don't really fill you up but they are fun and it's a way to expose yourself to different kinds of people or simply show up for people even if nothing is lining up logistically. Socially, I feel like my life is filled with snacks and desserts and not a lot of actual meals at the time due to various incompatibilities I'm encountering with my friends. I look at the relationships I have in my life right now that I pour into regularly (it's only two, my boyfriend and my friend who had her house warming) and one big thing that we have in common is that we have similar schedules and that we're not working over 40 hours a week. Another big thing is that we prioritize friendship in similar ways and we don't see them as some kind of frivolous thing on the side rather we see it as an essential part of our lives. We also don't prioritize romantic connection over platonic ones and we are also in one form or another anti-capitalist. Even though some of us have jobs that they like and prioritize, it's not something that dominates our lives. And I can recognize that work not dominating our lives is a function of both choice as well as privilege. We're lucky to be financially stable in our age. We're lucky to have sustainable working hours. We're lucky that we don't have abusive workplaces. And I can recognize that I have friends who aren't as lucky but who want to prioritize friendship like we do but cannot. I don't want to write people like that off. I also don't think it's moral issue that people don't quite prioritize friendship in the same way as I do. I can see people who prioritize their hobbies more, their families more, or their career more. So long as that manifests in a healthy way, I see no problem in it and I would love to learn from that way of living life. While I value diversity in friendships, there are certain boundaries I have had in the past. One big one is politics. I don't have a problem with a difference of opinion so long as you're in the liberal/ leftist spaces and you have have a constructive conversation (like please don't quote Hegal at me and say I'm not a socialist because I didn't read theory and please don't be one of the feminists who wears pussy hats lol). I don't do centrists because to me, they are usually politically incoherent world view and/or don't solid values, and can be apathetic to what's going on in the world. I don't do Republicans either because there are a lot of things I wouldn't feel comfortable opening up about because I just know it won't be received well (like no, I'm not going to open up about my anxieties around ICE patrolling D.C. with a Trump supporter, I don't feel emotionally safe doing that). That said, I can maintain coridial and respectful surface level relationships with centrists and Republicans even if I'm not friends with them. I can also engage with them politically without it devolving into flames. The people I don't associate with is full on facists or conspiracy theorists. At that point, I can't help you, you have to dig yourself out of that one. I think the other thing that I tend to gravitate towards are people with neurodivergent tendencies who give off the vibe that they were considered weird in one way or another growing up. I find that they tend to be more straight forward communicators rather than people who expect you to pick up on hints. I also think people who are just little weird and socially awkward kind of makes me feel comfortable being my weird and socially awkward self. And by socially awkward, I mean like maybe someone is a bit quieter and it takes them a minute to open up, or that they're just a little silly to where their social graces aren't super smooth for example. I'm not talking about being socially inept lol. And as a result, I find that they tend to be less judgmental and I tend to ease up around them because I don't have to present myself as the normal spongebob meme. I guess maybe going forward having similar values around friendship, open-ish schedules (i.e they aren't being overworked to where their family and job consumes their entire lives or they have another area of life that is in crisis to where they cannot pour into their relationships), and lefty tendencies is another thing I will need to look for when I'm making new friends. Like, I need friends who are deconstructing capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy, classism etc. to where they can have in depth conversations on these matter and apply them in their lives to where they're trying to put the social back into socialism. They need to recognize that friendship and community aren't convenient but they are worth putting in the effort towards even in moments where they don't feel like it, a commitment is out of their way, if they need to have a difficulty/ awkward conversation etc. They need to be people who understand their boundaries but they don't use it to insulate themselves where they are always comfortable and never challenged.

My "favorite party" didn't win in a number of elections. That's not a problem in of itself. The difference here is that there is an uptick in political violence, people getting deported without due process to god knows where, people in the government are getting arrested for speaking out against the president, and the president is trigger happy with employing the national guard and ICE in blue states and cities. Oh and there are camps being built and there are creepy parallels to 1930s Germany. Hell, my dad lived through a genocide/ war in a developing country and while he's not freaking out (he's gone through much worse) he is seeing the signs and is like *tensions are rising, have a back up plan.* I would say it's a mix. There is an element worry, but not in an anxious way but in a *I'm seeing the writing on the wall and it doesn't look good* kind of way. I would also say there is an element of anticipation/ hope of wanting to experience something new, and to learn more about myself and the world around me. I live in the U.S. lol and I'm thinking of getting out.

Also, any advice on how to handle situations where you feel conflicted are also helpful.

I guess my desires to live abroad started when I was thinking of applying to colleges abroad. That didn't work out due to my dad's health at the time. Then, I got my corporate job for the time being and I thought of what I wanted to do after that. I do want to get into foreign services but after seeing what's going on with the Trump administration and how unstable those jobs are, it looks like I'm going to have to hold on to my corporate job longer than I hoped. I figured that depending on my foreign services job, I would be able to travel from there. Or at the very least I would live in D.C. rather than Texas. Now, because of the stuff that's happening here and knowing that my company is pretty good about relocating, it feels like a legit option. I wasn't thinking about relocating using my current corporate job until about March/April tbh. I feel like while I did have this underlying desire, the politics feels like a catalyst of sorts. Yeah, we've had multiple conversations about different possbilities and how we would handle them. As far as the communication goes, I feel like we're doing a good job at that and we're coming at it from a problem solving / collaborative standpoint. I feel like we have a pretty strong foundation to pull something like this off and honestly, this would be a good test on what planning our lives together would potentially look like. Honestly, I feel like friends feel more like a loose cable. I feel conflicted about leaving people behind and making such a drastic change that will land me in a place where I know like 3 people and that's it.

Disclaimer: I know it's kind of weird that I'm asking for advice on a major life decision on this forum. I'm not expecting any prescriptive answers to my question rather I'm trying to find additional perspectives to consider as well as find questions to ask myself as I continue to introspect on this topic. I have been pretty conflicted about this decision for the past 5 months now. I've been seeing what's going on with politics here and I have a tiny voice that says *how much worse does this have to get until you decide enough is enough and get out of here?* pretty much everyday. This voice isn't alarmist. I can recognize that things aren't so bad right now to where I need to make an escape plan but at the same time, I still feel like I need to know what my options are just in case shit hits the fan. I want to take a more proactive approach and recognize the writing on the wall rather than wait until it's potentially too late if I were to leave. I don't know what exactly could happen in this country, but looking at the state of the U.S. feels like I'm staring into the void. I don't know how far this hole goes and I don't know how far we have come to where I can gage where rock bottom will be. I'm smelling something bad and I don't want to be here when the worst of it happens. In addition to the safety aspect, I did always dream about living outside the U.S. at some point in my life either for a few months or a couple of years. I don't see this being a life long thing, rather a chapter in my life. I also want to experience living in a walkable area and feel comfortable with travelling outside of the country. I don't feel comfortable leaving the country and then coming back because of the shit that's happening with ICE (lord knows that if my phone gets searched I'm getting detained lol). I have a goal that I want to visit all 7 continents by the time I'm 30 and travel is really important to me. As for the walkability, while I have lived in the suburbs for my entire life, I have a stong desire to live in a walkable area. The suburbs quite honestly feel kind of depressing with how it breeds isolation, it's built for cars, and it encourages stagnation physically and mentally. That said, I can recognize that because I have lived in the suburbs my whole life, that I could very well be romanticizing walkable areas so I want to have that experience post college to know for sure how I feel in practice rather than in theory. Finally, I have a boyfriend who I am contemplating on marrying. But before I do that, I want to know what settling down looks like for me so that we can collaborate on what our futures will look like together. And for that, I need more life experience. We have been together for a little more than 3 years and while I know that we're only 25 and we met when we were young, I feel like I need to pick up the pace in figuring out the logistical aspects of settling down to get married. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As for why I don't think I should leave the U.S, I think much of it comes from a number of social obligations. I have a few new friends that I'm building a relationship with more so. Another couple of friends just got new places so I'm excited to host with them. I have family visiting the U.S. during the World Cup who I have been waiting for the past 25 years to come visit me. And I would hate it if the one time they came over was when I left. My family also thinks I'm over reacting with my desire to leave this country and they're saying to wait one more year to see what's going on with this country politically. I do see their point as moving across the ocean is a big deal and shouldn't be taken lightly. But at the same time, knowing my dad and his trauma, he's not going to want to get out of the U.S. unless ICE is literally patrolling the streets of Dallas and going door to door yoinking people. I also see glimmers of hope from this country from progressives winning local and mayoral positions, Trump's health declining (and therefore the cult of personality has an approaching expiration date), people getting more dissatisfied with what's happening in this country, and the amount of backlash there has been agains ICE. My parents believe that we should wait until the 2026 midterms before coming up with a plan. Also, note, I'm a woman of color and especially in the state of Texas, a lot of people think I'm Hispanic. I was born and raised here and both of my parents are citizens (not to mention we're also upper middle class). While we are not the prime targets and I'm not hitting the panic button because I know that not everything is about me, I can also recognize that we're also not completely off the hook. At the same time, I feel like they're kind of naive in thinking that the Democrats can save us and that atrocities cannot happen in a first world country. The Democrats aren't being cruel enough in their opposition and as a result, rather than fighting, they're just stalling the inevitable. Also, lets be so for real, Nazi Germany was also a first world country back then and the Holocaust still happened. But at the same time, sometimes I wonder if I'm being too sensitive to what's going around me and I'm over thinking things or if the people around me are underthinking. And even safety aside, I still want to do things to help me figure out my life and my relationship. Part of me doesn't want to wait an entire year to decide to leave even if safety is not a concern. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As far as what the process will look like for me leaving the country, given my job and the locations they have, it will be as easy as me signing a few papers, interviewing for a position and then being sent off. They will take care of the work visa and other logistical matters. I still need to find out from them what compensation and taxes will look like to determine my final stance on this. The two locations I'm looking at are in London and Dubai. I also have family in both of those places.

Nihilism Part 10: Looksmaxxing https://www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/comments/17jk7wu/being_hot_is_a_hobby/ Sometimes I joke about how the reason why I'm not hot is because being hot isn't my hobby. Like I'm sure I would look significantly better if I got my hair and nails done regularly, got a facial once a month, religiously went to the gym and maintained a strict diet, learned how to do my makeup in various techniques, took time to learn about fashion and spend time shopping meticulously for the most flattering pieces, and had an extensive shower routine. But tbh.. I don't really care that much about being hot itself to do all of those things. It sounds like a lot of time, money and energy being spent and I'd rather do that for other things. That's not to say that I believe people who enjoy this type of life style is inherently vapid or that I'm some how better than these people but it is to say that I just have a different life style and what gives me personal meaning is maxmizing other things like my relationships, travel, education, hobbies, over beauty. And not to mention, I do partake in some of these activies, my life just doesn't center around them. So I'm not out here judging people for getting their nails done like some kind of NLOG lol. I think like I mentioned in the post "My Leisure Outside of Capitalism," it's not necessarily the activities you partake in but it's about the why. Like I can see people who like to get their hair and nails done regularly or people who have extensive everything showers as being a form of relaxation for them. I can see people pouring their time and energy into their diet and fitness coming from a place of wanting to take care of one's health and enjoy being physically active through various hobbies. I can see people who care about fashion where it comes from a place of self expression and creativity for them. So I can see how these can manifest in a healthy, non nihilistic way. But at the same time, when being hot is the central goal and things like health, self expression, relaxation, are just by products instead of being the other way around where hotness is the by product, I think that's when it can get into the nihilism category. Maximizing for physical and mental health isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for creativity isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for relaxation and for your hobbies isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for hotness and using all of the other things as tools for that goal rather than ends in it of itself is going to make you hot. And I think the last one can be kind of empty. I get the sentiment of if you look good, you feel good, but I do think there is a threshold for that where after a certain point, looking better isn't doing to give you a drastic spike on how you're feeling internally. This is regardless of what aesthetic you're going for, whether it's the waifish early 2000s Victoria secret model, the ig model, the gym bro marvel super hero physique, etc. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around basing your entire lifestyle and goals around looking a specific way when your livlihood doesn't center around it. Like I get the pressure if you're in the entertainment industy or modelling etc. but I'm talking about this kind of lifestyle trickling into everyday people and the way that it promotes a sense of self centeredness that comes at the cost of everything else in your life. I find myself thinking about this article titled "Is anyone having sex after their 12-step night time skincare routine?: It’s no secret that Gen Z aren’t having sex. Could our sanitised, perfection-obsessed beauty culture – and ‘morning shed’ routines before bed – be to blame for sapping the eroticism out of our lives?" I would quote a specific part from this but whole article is pretty good. https://www.dazeddigital.com/beauty/article/64864/1/skincare-boom-sex-recession-tiktok-12-step-night-time-routine It also makes me think of the sentiment of how everyone is beautiful but no one is horny. I think the people who try to maxmize for looks are chasing this sort of physical perfection and that comes at a cost of actually being present in their lives, taking things in sensually, connecting with others, and more. Like sure, it's important to eat a balanced meal, but you don't want to be that person who avoids social activities and neglects your relationships for the sake of your protein goals. Sure it's nice to do a skincare routine, but it would suck to trade that in over cuddling with your partner after having sex. And sure, there might be a certain look that you're going for, but if you sacrifice all semblance of individuality in the process in pursuing this ideal, you take your character out in the process which is not very enticing. I feel like prioritizing looks over personality, much less character and taking the most surface level information of a person to engage with them is a breeding ground for cultural nihilism. The same dynamic goes for opting for short form sensationalized content over reading a book. It's like capitalism waters things down to maximize marketability in order to make a sale and appeal to the most amount of people to the point where it strips down our perception of day to day life to its most superficial form. And then once our dopamine receptors are fried, we lose the muscle to engage in a deeper level and actually care about things.

Dealing with Existential Dread I know I mentioned in a previous post that I was going to reflect on my Tiktok usage being higher than normal in 8/17 and 8/18. I remember on those two days, I was dealing with existential dread in relation to politics and society. I remember feeling this compulsion to reach from my phone and scroll as a way to feel less crazy and to connect with people who were seeing the same things as I was. It didn't feel exactly like doomscrolling. Rather than feeling drained, anxious, and overstimulated after seeing all of the awful stuff happening as one does when doomscrolling, I found myself feeling comforted and relieved in a sense because I think social media gives me a sort of outlet and confirmation for my feelings. It feels nice to see people share the same concerns as you and even though social media encourages a more parasocial dynamic, I feel like I am participating in a conversation regarding what's going on in the discourse politically by listenting to peoples takes so that I can piece together my own understanding. And that feels good because I feel like some of these conversations aren't things that I can often have with the people around me. Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place for this, but I do feel like the times and the places both feel like they are shrinking. I sure as hell cannot talk about most political matters at work. I can't always talk about it with my friends, not because they aren't empathetic to my view points but rather they're stressed with their own lives to where they don't want to hear me rant and piece my thoughts together, and because sometimes the settings that we hang out in aren't conducive to these discussions. Like I'm not going to on an anti capitalist rant with my normie friends in the middle of a party even if my normie friends can generally point out the issue with capitalism and are in favor of raising the minimum wage. I am, however, fortunate to have a couple people in my life who I can talk to about these types of things. But I feel like there is still a gap that's there in terms of my needs so as a result I resort to Tiktok instead. I'm still trying to figure out to what extent this is normal and healthy versus to what extent this is dysfunctional. I think it's normal and healthy to seek out social support and sometimes use the internet for that. I don't think the internet is inherently dysfunctional in fostering social connections. The first thought I get of the internet being a healthy outlet is when I think of a lot of gay kids in rural areas who struggle to find community and understanding for their sexuality and interests in real life so then they turn to Tumblr and Discord instead. I guess the problem is when the internet becomes your sole source of social validatation and socialization? Because I don't think getting wrapped up in echo chambers because of the algorithm gods is a healthy way to live either. I also don't think that it's always good to rely on external sources of validation and reassurance. I think there is a time and place for it because mirroring one another to a certain extent how we socially learn and grow as well as empathize with one another and self reflect. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to fall into the validation trap in the way that a lot of red pill guys fall into the world of alpha males where they are observing some very valid observations in society, such as how it's fucked up how men place their self worth on the number of women they slept with and how it's fucked up that some women will shame them for crying. However, instead of taking these valid observations in a more neutral way to critique partiarchy and how women can also be perpetrators of patriarchy, they then double down and get self depricating on their sexual experience (often lack there of) and then they hate women and paint us all to be liars and backstabbers. And I know these guys fall down a rabbit hole because they're in a psychologically vulnerable state. I don't think that I've lost my marbles just yet lol but I do think that I am mildly depressed with what's happening in the world and I do feel unsettled by it. I think that's perfectly valid and it's not wrong to find community online but I don't want my sentiments to be exploited by the algorithms to where I fall down a weird rabbit hole without realizing it. So where do we go from here as it relates to my screentime? I think on the days that I have existential dread, I can give myself more leeway in terms of my social media usage since I think for me personally it's coming from a generally healthy place. At the same time, I do think it's important to have some safe guards in place. Firstly, I think it's more important to prioritize longer form media in Youtube rather than short form content on TikTok so that there are more nuanced takes and so that I'm not getitng sucked into hyper specific algorithms. Secondly, I think it's important to also lean on irl social support (aka touch grass). I'm already doing that but I do think that I can be better about that. And thirdly, check in with myself every half and hour or so in order to differentiate when I'm using social media to process existential dread or when I'm using it to double down on it and doom scroll.

The week of 8/24 to 8/31 I haven't been logging my screentime lately. Honestly, it's been a mix of being stressed from work, me dreading to check my screentime because of said stress, and not wanting to face the fact that I have fallen off my habits. I looked at my screentime from this week and yes, it has been higher than usual. There were a couple of days where I spent I spent more than an hour on Tiktok (includes Tuesday 8/26 where I spent 2 hours and 22 min, and Thusday 8/28 where I spent 1 hour 13 min). I did spend more time on Youtube than I would like watching videos and while I'm looking at my habits from a birds eye view and it doesn't look super bad, I do know I felt like shit this week. I know that I was using my phone as a way to disassociate and cope with stress. I know that I was up at night on the internet when I wasn't supposed to be. I know I haven't been holding myself as accountable as I should. And I know my screentime was higher than usual. I guess me doing this post is me trying to take accountability. It sucks that I have fallen off track but that's inevitable and part of the journey. I'm going to do my best to get back up in this week. I was also dreading to check my screentime but I guess after checking and then doing this post, I do feel like while I did get off track, I didn't go completely off the rails so that feels reassuring knowing that it isn't as bad as I was making it out in my head.

My Leisure Outside of Capitalism I feel like my typical weekend when I'm not depressed / have a ton of plans is as follows: wakeup sometime between 8-10 am > clean my apartment, get a work out in, maybe get a coffee > eat lunch > journal > hang out with friends + find something else to do in the area + run errands. While this feels good on a Saturday, by the time Sunday evening rolls around, I find myself getting the Sunday scaries because I'm dreading going back to work and because I'm usually feeling existential dread in general as well as a sense of emptiness. Perhaps the dread I feel with Monday approaching opens the door for dread in other areas of life. But I also have another thought? After getting the rest I need on Saturday to where I feel like I'm filled up and alert, what if that's when my mind is sharp enough to question the world around me? And because the world around me is kind of a dumpster fire, I'm just left letting the realities sink in which then I interpret as dread and then I don't want to go back to work on Monday because I want to emotionally process that dread instead of being thrown back into work. I was sitting with the dread last night and I was also reflecting on my screentime in previous weeks where I noticed that my screentime tends to be higher on Sunday and Monday. I'm not getting the Sunday scaries because I'm thinking about the tasks coming up in work and the work week ahead. I'm getting the scaries because I have this emotional heaviness that's coming to the surface once I get to a regulated space but instead of being able to sit with that, I have to go to work instead. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I had the weekend to recuperate, I sat with the existential dread and processed that on Sunday and Monday, and then what I would do with the remainder of the week. I wonder what my self regulation is like in the face of the existential dread when I don't have work to divert my attention or what I would work towards if I didn't have to worry about my job and recuperating from it. Sure, I do take my PTO and I have taken extended time off work, but the last time I took time off work, I was travelling like crazy. I didn't really sit with the mundane if that makes sense. And it's like, who am I and what does my leisure look like in a mundane setting if I take my job out of the equation? Don't get me wrong, I do think that it's infinitely better to cook a meal, get coffee at your local coffee shop, get a work out in, walk around outside and window shop, take in long form educational content and journal about it, and hang out with friends rather than lead an isolated existance where you rot in bed doomscrolling for 3+ hours a day. But all of those things feel like relaxing things to do in order unwind from work rather than things I'm actively working towards / engaged with. I think all of this is much better in terms of not turning into a nihilistic vegetable with a really bad screentime, but it too feels numb to a certain extent. It reminds me of the post that I wrote about regarding the stay at home girlfriend trend and the under current of nihilism: Yes, this influencer might have escaped the nihilism of a tireless corporate job and is living a comfortable existance. But, the soft girl life, where you're being provided by a rich man, you're spending a shit ton of time and energy on your appearance/ relaxing, you're doing these expensive work out classes, you're hanging out with other people in a similar class of trophy wives, you're engaging in luxury and hyper consumption etc. is still another capitalist fantasy that is sold to you to give you the illusion of letting go of capitalism, thus trapping us in it's ideology. As for the emptiness that comes from the routine above, I think that stems not from the lack of fulfillment with those activities but it has to do with how they're coming more from a self-care angle rather than a hobby angle. Don't get me wrong, I do think there can be overlap between hobbies and self care and that having hobbies is a form of self care. But I think it's more so that I'm doing things to take care of myself and rest rather than doing these things to actively pursue other goals. It then goes back to the stay at home girl friend example where sure she's getting in plenty of rest by waking up whenever she wants, working out, doing her skin care etc. but she's under utilizing her capabilities by being at rest mode all the time. I think the main difference between me and the stay at home girlfriend example is that I'm living this life style like once a week, while this is her life every single day. I think the fact that this is only my life style once a week makes it so that my routine feels nice and not an over kill but I do think that part of me starts to feel like this is an over kill after half of Sunday is done. On a similar note of the stay at home girlfriend trend, I came across the archetype of person who makes matcha, pilates, and shopping their personality trait because they're heavily influenced by social media culture. I think the stay at home girl friend trend is an extreme version of this archetype where it takes over your entire life style, but I do think this archetype can still manifest even if you have a job. I loved the way that this vide broke this down and I found myself resonating with the comments. "I cannot imagine a more unfulfilling, dull, or repetitive lifestyle than just consuming products, worrying about calories, or caring what strangers think of my looks." "at the end, it's all about looks, it's all about beauty. Pilates: to look better. Matcha: because it's good for your skin and body, and it makes you prettier. Shopping: for makeup an clothing, to look prettier. It's so exhausting, really." "The part of the audio 'and stay beautiful' quite hammers in the reductiveness of all the hyper-femininity trends. To me, it's essentially self-objectification. The idea that your contribution to society is only your appearance...you beauty, brings this back full circle. They're ultimate goal is beauty. They buy cosmetics for beauty. They consume certain wellness products for beauty, they exercise for beauty. All they think about is beauty and the idea is reinforced and wrapped in a pretty bow that is wellness culture." I think for a particular social media bubble, this is the mindset around the *matcha, pilates, and shopping* lifestyle depicted. And like the comment above said, the part that says "and stay beautiful" drives the sentiment home. I guess I found myself questioning where these habits come for me personally since I feel like I have kind of an adjacent life style. I do like my matcha. I might not do pilates specifically but I do work out and do little classes here and there. And while I don't shop all that much, I do like having a little look around. I think my main appeal around matcha is that I like the taste and it's like the only caffiene that I can tolerate without fucking up my sleep. I started drinking it at around 2019 as an alternative to coffee while I was studying in coffee shops. I feel like I have detached working out from looking a certain way and I mainly work out because it's fun, a stress reliever, and I like being around other people in classes. And I don't really have problematic shopping habits due to my upbringing, my anti-consumerist values, and my general habits. I just like walking around in stores because I don't like walking in suburban areas because they feel bleak. At least stores have things going on in it. I feel like my habit would manifest differently it I lived in a less car-centric area lol. "You shouldn’t be able to do Pilates if you have a gut or if you’re fat” tells me she knows absolutely nothing about the origin of Pilates (and WHY are these people so against fat people bettering themselves )" It's not that pilates it's the problem, it's why people do it and people's underlying attitudes around it. I think if I remember correctly, pilates was created for those with disabilities, specifically for rehabilitation purposes for soldies coming back from WW2 "I SO agree with you!! I watched the documentary The True Cost and it changed my life. Now that I’m aware of how the typical mindless-consumer western lifestyle exploits people in the global south, I’ve changed the way I live. Now everything I own is either handmade by me or second-hand, and I practice visible mending as a statement to the world that I am actively choosing to disconnect myself from consumerism as much as possible. And my life is so much BETTER for it! Slower, more fun, more enjoyable in every way. I have a lot more $ to save and to spend on experience rather than consumption. Highly recommended, much better than trying to portray an acceptable level of patriarchy-obedient femininity in front of the internet" I think this quote is a better way to articulate why I always feel weird around excessive consumption and compulsive shopping. "As an Asian person I’m really annoyed at the gentrification of matcha and other East Asian foods because those same white girls were the ones teasing me and my peers for eating rice at school or having “nasty” food. Interested to know how many of these influencers were unkind to their Asian peers when they were kids and then turn around and drink our tea improperly. I do find it annoying the way that matcha is having it's moment to where people are like gentrifying matcha. Like I swear I don't drink it in a bougie wellness way lmao. "It feels dystopian, almost Hunger Games-like, to see this kind of emptiness and self-centeredness in the current global climate. I love enjoying treats, exercising, and finding joy in daily life, too, but these kinds of posts carry a level of classism that really makes me sad and angry. Who gets to be 'allowed' to be this carefree and empty-headed while we’re living through a genocide and watching democracy erode in the U.S.? Joy is important, but this isn’t it. There’s something about it that feels especially classist and, honestly, racist. Edit: I commented in the first minute of the video, and then this diva went on and proved my point so much better than I ever could! <3""I’m not going to get mad at any woman that loves shopping, matcha/coffee, and Pilates. I love those things too and would happily drink more,exercise more, and shop more. It’s okay to splurge sometimes on the things you love. The key is to not be over influenced and make sure you are doing things for your own self-care that you actually enjoy." 100% agree. I do believe you can enjoy treats, exercising, and shopping here and there without it being your whole personality and without it being completely soulless. At the same time, it's weird how some people use these things to pacify themselves or they just put their head in the sand as all of these things are going on around us. "What kills me is that this 'lifestyle' requires generational wealth OR getting into massive debt, yet it's being sold as aspirational to all women. The 'matcha-pilates-shopping trinity' isn't about femininity, it's about class signaling disguised as self-care. We're being trained to see our value through how much we can consume rather than who we are...character...virtue...beliefs and convictions. Every time I see these trends, I think about how social media has driven them ALL and primarily to keep women financially and mentally exhausted. Getting offline might be the most radical act of self-care we can do." "shopping, pilates and drinking matcha are super nice activities to do. however, when you work hard to earn it, it feels different as when you do it everyday" I think these two quote goes back to what I'm saying on how there is a difference between doing this as a self care thing versus having self care take over your life to where you're too comfortable, too complacent, and too preoccupied by things that don't reflect your values or that box you into a rigid set of standards determined by other people to create meaning.

8/21/2025 Screentime: 3 hours 2 min Youtube: 1 hour 8 min watched video essays from 5-6pm Tetris: 28 min played Tetris for 20 minutes from 5-6pm while watching youtube videos and then for another 8 min before bed. Hexa Sort: 27 min played this for 25 min from 5-6pm and another time for like 2 min Tiktok: 20 min watched it between 10 pm-12 am Maps: 13 min Instagram 10 min checked it for like 6 min between 10-11am and then for another 4 min after work. Thoughts: I feel like my screentime would have been lower if I just paid attention to the videos I was watching instead of playing games at the same time. I'm trying to work on that because that's not great for the attention span lol. 8/22/2025 Screentime: 2 hours 20 min Youtube: 1 hour 1 min Listened to music while working and then watched videos for 20 min before bed. Tiktok: 43 min Mainly indulged in it after work as I was waiting on my boyfriend to get here so we can go to our friend's place together. I think I was just filling the space which I don't think it's all that great tbh. Instagram: 20 min checked it sporadically throughout the day and spent like 15 min on it at night before bed. Messages: 5 min