modmyth

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Everything posted by modmyth

  1. By far the thing I dislike the most, which will get mercilessly stamped out is this: some version or other of: I don't get what I want when deeply connected to someone, which emerges the more I feel attached. Because of attachment = some version of codependency. This is very very deep for me at a preverbal level; some version of this is probably extremely common. I have been reading again about attachment styles, although I was just generally aware of it, and I had this thought: what if what is at the root of "avoid attachment disorder" IS anxious attachment if you go deeply enough. But unfortunately, should you go deeply enough and open up enough, you have little experience in this process of being so wholly attached. So few defense mechanisms, so little experience coping or figuring out what to do with it. You might very well be an adult if you find yourself dealing with it directly. So maybe you very much made the conscious decision to let someone in beyond the normal means (if you believe this, it tends to be truly). (Clearly, I am talking about from direct experience here, about myself). I had noticed in the past this tendency for people who identify as anxious attachment types to criticize those who are avoidant types, like blame; as if it's a fully conscious choice or something, as in people want ALL the baggage that tends to come with it. It rarely is, is it? What if it's all the same thing at the root, but the person who is 'avoidant' has just so profoundly given up on the idea of permanent, secure, reliable attachment because historically it's been too risky? Probably they gave up a long time ago sometime in childhood? Maybe there was nothing to attach to there, period? From where are you supposed to pull the ability to do this out of thin air? You have to learn probably from scratch. These theories really have to dig deeper, including into individual and collective motive, otherwise this labeling process may reflect reality quite well, but it's also very superficial. Anyways, it kind of feels at times like you're a seal flopping around on land, trying to get places that way, when you're so out of your element in terms of emotional processing. Everything feels new... and naked. (This metaphor possibly makes more sense in my head than in reality; look at him go! How does a creature with no legs move that fast?) Anyway, with this lack of experience negotiating and functioning in this way; you're going to get yourself axed. But then, do you want to avoid having a proper human connection for the rest of your life, or to live in a very segregated way? For pretty much all of us, the latter is unavailable in modern life. Some degree of it defines the way we function, period. Pick your poison, pick your battles. (There is no reason for this gif; I just like it.)
  2. Yet another journal! I'm specifically covering this topic of love in a more focused way, and tying together these different strings in a relevant manner, for our current timespace, and wanting to bridge together the following topics into something more cohesive. Honestly, this is probably the area where I'm the most fragmented at the moment, and just... hurt. So it will cover everything related to self love, universal love (or what I've been calling love proper), romantic love (even though I have been putting it down really aggressively, but still I feel like I cannot leave it all where it is, no matter what the outcome of my life is. It's just not right.) Also, the spiritual heart, its messages, and powers associated with it (attunement, consecration, core essences....). I guess... even elemental consecration, as a personal sacred ritual of the highest significance to me personally. What's going to be the exact outcome of this? I don't know, exactly. (Everything I've done at least somewhat overlaps with everything else.) Suppose this idea and tendency to centre love around what it is NOT must go, and had to go eventually. I continue this articulation.... this search (for what I am already perfectly aware of), compilation, and integration of the positive expression of values here (in the Nietzschean sense, which is probably not where anyone was expecting to hear his name, haha). I feel this is the next step. I didn't learn anything of love when I was very young... even though I was conscious absolute love and aware of this. I haven't been so open. First there were few opportunities to give and receive authentically, and as more time passes, more and more, you become surrounded in layers and layers of armor. By the time I was in teenagehood, I went from being very afraid to very angry. So... maybe this is the most radical thing I've done so far, in a way.
  3. RESCUE ME/ DON'T RESCUE ME (SEE ME/ OR DON'T), TRAUMA + PTSD REWRITING: I have no desire to explore my own negativity anymore, specifically for the purpose of mapping or charting it. I kept saying over and over again in other journals: it's done; I want it to be done, really, I am over all of this already. But then I haven't been all on the same page as myself. Duly noted. Strong intention or will brought me to the point I was at last summer. Would be that I be capable of using such power in a more constructive and life-affirming way then. No matter my best intentions then, nothing seems to sustain properly. There has been an element of... you can't lay gold cloth over a root that is too decayed or convoluted, and then expect everything to work like sparkly sunshine. That's not how reality works, generally; through observation and experience. Even if it LOOKS good, it's not built to last without collapsing in an ugly way. That root being my early childhood. So I just know it's intuitively true, I feel it in my heart and gut. Some would say it's the belief in that which simply causes to be that way. Yea. if positive thinking and orientation was enough to fix it from where I was, I would have fixed it way back before the summer already. I made a very serious attempt via consistent, conscious scripting, and I was very meticulous with it. So this involves being very detail orientated, high energy, and the singular focus of 'will', over and over and over. It was like trying to build a tower on very unstable or shifting ground. There is that tendency for it to be at risk for it to collapse. "Possession" (of my own body/ consciousness) is dominion. I will use everything at my disposal to stop dissociation, all negative psychoemotional traces and residue from my past associated with this body, any unwanted psychic functioning that is not ordered and not converging into higher functions (for lack of a better way to explain it at the moment). It's not a matter of IF it's going to work. It's a matter of the exact moment when. And it's going to be very soon. I have said at times, don't negotiate with reality as it is. You have to see it. Don't argue with it. Now, "reality" shouldn't negotiate with me (hint: it doesn't). This is pretty anti-erotic TBH, but I have been writing about what is basically "sex magick" in ARS EROTICA because I feel the tendency to self censor outside of that journal, though it has worked its way into other journals here. I'm not thinking about stuff that turns me on at all even if I am turned on because like... have to get off. But honestly, it's one of the best tools I have at my disposal in terms of rewriting the imprints of my physical body/ nervous system entirely, as well as the psyche along with it. Best as in it's one of the fastest and most effective ways, IMO via this principle: HIGH ENERGY LEVEL + BURST ENERGY = you can wipe out and rewrite old patterns very very quickly. But be prepared to put something else in its place, because there is a tendency to try to wipe out the old habit, have nothing to put there, and then old habits can refill that space. (It tends to take extra skill to hold the mind as "empty"/ minimalistic in functioning as possible.) Sometimes it's worth seeing what fills the void organically if you have a whole host of good habits, like a relatively robust psychoemotional ecology. But at other times, if you are short on time and you have something specific in mind (you know what you want), having a positive value or way of functioning that you intend to replace it with and just writing it in directly? This is the direct method. So if you pair something like the use of burst/ physical energy with a rewriting process that works more via the mind and language (e.g. hypnosis and scripting, but there are many means), and you get a sort of exponential effect. I also wrote about this a bit here earlier in this journal, although way more abstractly, according to memory. Yea, when you're working with stuff that's deeply encoded into your nervous system the reptilian brain etc., you do need some kind of means to access it that is non-language based, so IMO stuff like CBT isn't properly equipped to truly wipe out all traces, or it's tremendously inefficient, there's a tendency for the changes to be straight-up surface-level stuff. Like a gold plated shit. IMO people need to really get over their hard-on for using high-level cognitive functioning (in terms of evolutionarily more advanced cognitive functioning, frontal lobe stuff) exclusively because it's more evolved or whatever. Wiping the slate clean and having universal, ideal functioning means EVERYTHING. Anyways... So it seems like I might have had the potential to make everyone else's reality at least a bit better before I make my own truly better in a meaningful, lasting wake. FFS. So I've gotten really mad about what has amounted to using my energy to "check out" while I am in the process of constant negation to serve some larger purpose, supposedly. I mean what else is there to do on Earth really; I don't just live for my own hedonism. There has been little of it in that life; it's always an afterthought, really. So, in the end, there is just "my will" and nothing else here, really. Nothing else functions properly in my own life, in the greater scheme of things. So it is. I need not have any regard for who I have written about in ARS AMORATA because I will make it so as much as humanly possible, but I need not have any active disregard ever. Pushing it more and more and more. There need not be any kind of afterthought about it, any kind of splitting or diverging. Every inch given was wasted entirely; I would say. And yea, I will affirm that I am at peace with that over and over until reality is not divergent whatsoever. All roads lead to the same place.
  4. So, I'm starting this journal as a form of condensing/ expressing/ making legible what I've written over the past 4 years what is the accumulation of my own life's work, for the end of a cycle of about... 17 years(?). Although if you want to get technical, this process started when I was much younger (being a former prodigy and all). EVERYONE WANTS THE PULPIT: My main motivation for writing it here is that I already have a ton of content that I've written for myself. Therein lies the issue: the way I write for myself. vs. how I write for an audience (actual or imagined). When I write for myself, I don't bother elucidating on a lot of ideas; I write in a hyper dense, hyperconceptual sort of style naturally. Nothing at all to make it more palatable or accessible.. because I don't need that. But regardless, what I write here will probably have more of that feel than my other, more personal journal. So in the spirit of prompting myself to sort out of my own ideas/ concepts/ practices here into the most cohesive, most accessible whole, while having none of the unnecessary bits or fluff.... METACOG (beyond thinking + thinking about thinking): I journalled about this a little, but the term "metacognition" came to me at the time, about 4 years ago, as a sort of cohesive vision/ spirit. I realize the term has already been claimed/ created by psychology for quite a long time (since the mid 70s), and as a result now, neuroscience/ the artificial intelligence field. Although covering a lot of the same spectrum of topics, how others are using this term (except in the most general theoretical way) is not how I'm using the term. (On a side note, I am attached to the term, have emotional resonance with it, and would prefer not to let it go). Practical stuff: Everything I do is far more practice oriented, rooted in direct observation, experimentation, personal introspection. I don't have a high opinion of theory that is not rooted in reality; unless literally, the designated function is just for it be aesthetic, to look pretty. Some people are good are making nice sounding theory; I may be one of those people (I have a systematizing mind), but this is not intended to be that. Anyway, I have a lot customized practices and material, from things which are about doing "more simple" practices in a very basic way, and practices that are much more complex. A lot of focus is on understanding my own practices, other people's practices, the purpose behind practices in general, the WHY behind it, pared down as much as humanly possible. I've never shared most of it; I was never sure about how much use or interest this would be to anyone but me; but it's like my own life story, I have to get it out of me. In revision, I want to see the degree to which what I have written stands up to the test that is reality, which is other peoples' needs, interests, concerns, etc. I already know all this stuff (and have for a loooong time; it's IS me in a sense; and so there's no reason to write it down for myself.
  5. DAILY INKS/ SKETCHES: I got really ink happy today/ feeling through it. It was my first day experimenting with it more seriously, and also was an unusually productive day for art. The two below make strong use of the white Sakura/ Gelly Roll pen. Texture experiments. The regular freehand ink stuff.
  6. Originally I started another journal here for creative purposes which I never ended up using, but only for autowriting. I decided to start another one to put my visual arts roughs/ creative writing and autowriting here, mainly for my own motivation and curation purposes. Also, to externalize a certain aspect of my creative process, which I have returned to again and again. Knowing that someone could and might be interested in reading what I'm writing motivates me highly, apparently. Goals: 1) Daily or semi-regular autowriting pieces or excerpts, or other pieces. It's probably not stuff I would publish, but I think is interesting enough to share for whatever reason and at least deserves to see the light of day. Prose, excerpts, poetry, etc. 2) Daily sketch and art stuff that would probably never see the light of day otherwise as well. Honestly, I probably will put little or minimal effort into editing it digitally, because of the time factor. I don't bother posting on Instagram anymore because I would actually like more writing to accompany it, and generally speaking, there is a massive amount of art on Instagram. I don't really enjoy it as a creative medium, but maybe that will change. Everyone is competing for attention there, and mostly everyone's 'haha, this is SUCH a rough sketch' is pretty polished. Like I'm usually done with something in a half an hour, hour, a couple hours maybe. Why would I spend the same amount of time digitally editing as I did creating it unless it's really worth the effort? Not all ideas are worth polishing, preserving, and displaying, but some ideas are worth displaying in certain contexts, and this is a sort of long-form done in progressive increments. Again, it's just stuff sitting in a stack on my shelf otherwise. Generally speaking, I'm more interested 2) Thought processes and insights concerning the creative process here, and processing certain frameworks and ideas in a public space. Inspirations, frustrations, unresolved issues. (And then, externalizing this perpetual question I am asking myself: why bother to create at all? Most of the time I don't bother asking until I run out of motivation or desire.) Probably there will be some level of metacommenting/self-reflective process on whatever it is that I post as a creative work or excerpt. My art praxis is a sort of work in process. I need one. Generally, my need to create pretty stuff for attention is pretty low. Also, I'm more interested in ideas and substance first than 'pretty' (and note, pretty is very much relative to the medium, how it's received and likely to be received, and overall levels of polished. Not interested in polishing a turd. Or "pretty" without substance. According to my own standards, obviously. Etc.) Anyways "pretty" is mostly secondary to "substance"/ "well-executed" (by whatever standard I'm using) in this case, like a byproduct rather than the primary focus. Personally, I always loved reading and learning from other creatives and their processes, like when artists post their unfinished sketches or progress pictures. Or talk about their personal process of coming up with ideas, what inspires or moves them, and anything that shows how they think, feel, and approach it. Conceptualizing art or creation as a work in progress or action/ doing, as opposed to just witnessing the end result/ the finished product.
  7. ANCIENT ASS MEME: God, this meme is 15 years old now. What happened to all the time!
  8. What the title says. You know how people have shower thoughts? I never have those inside the shower, ever. It's usually while going for walk, or while sitting around doing anything else, here and there. Also, don't expect this journal to go anywhere in particular, although it might. This is primarily for my own entertainment and curiosity, first and foremost. PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY// PRIMAL CREATIVE FIRE// CREATIVITY IS PLAY: (I'm thinking though of Marc Maron's Thinky Pain, and his practice of supposedly generating all the material that he needs for his standup routines on post-it notes. So maybe this could go somewhere. Who knows. Sometimes you just have to give thought the ability to roam, explore, ask questions, etc. Just Dreamer Stuff. There is a certain aspect of the creative personality that is very spontaneous but doesn't even dare call itself such or to explain what it is doing anywhere while in the process of doing it (which would be to say, I am doing this for the sake of being more creative. No, it just does it. Or it abandons that notion entirely. So it's like moving between impulsive to action almost immediately, like a fire or impulse you get in your gut.) "I don't believe in preparing"// said like it's some kind of religion, haha.
  9. Mellow vibes:
  10. Illuminate those nuggets.
  11. I don't know why But that first graph is a really sexy arrangement Visually speaking
  12. @Zigzag Idiot My brother had "Ordinary World" playing constantly; I got SO sick of that song. I've started to appreciate it again as an adult. I went through a Duran Duran listening streak recently. Also, to add to the list of Tears for Fears hits from that era, the first couple albums: Also, when I was a kid and didn't know if Duran was a actually a real English word:
  13. BOOKS READ: (PAGE COUNT, 631 + there was another short book I read, and apparently I can't keep track of shit properly today.) Istanbul: A Guide Inside the Early Church of Constantinople (Dr. Andrew Jackson) (163 pages): Damn this desire for completionism. I just don't like big gaps in my historical knowledge. The history of the Eastern Church is mostly about as boring as the history of the Western Church: big surprise. All the semi-interesting stuff happened in the early ages. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Bessel A. van der Kolk, M.D) (462 pages): This book is really fascinating for a few reasons, 1) for historical and cultural reasons, it maps the creating of PTSD as a distinct label (the official definition which is stuck within the DSM (3rd DSM which was published in the 80s?)). Before this label was created for trauma, psychiatrists were diagnosing Vietnam war veterans with mood disorders, depression, substance abuse, and schizophrenia in the case of hallucinations/ flashbacks. So apparently in the 80s... what was recorded in standard psychiatry textbooks was that incest occurred about once in every million women. Are you serious? ... So it was considered mythical, basically. Also, back when they were administering electroshock... More notes on this book later; I got about halfway through. So, psychiatry, as we know it here in North America, is about to collapse on itself soon enough, isn't it? I mean it's in full force institutional decay. An institution can be powerful, and extensive, and still very much in the late stages of decay. See what the Catholic church used to be in the height of its power, vs. afterwards. It means certain ideas and their outcomes (as in, the cultural frameworks especially) have mostly run their course; there is dwindling 'fresh blood' or vital energy in it. ****More notes about this later. Epicurean: An Introduction to the Epicurean Way of Life (Alex Caras) (76 pages)): Probably after this point, I will just go directly to the original source... Summary and Discussion of the Body Keeps Score... (61 pages) DSM-5: About 100 pages. I'm splitting it up because I don't hate myself. To read/reread. I'm pretty sure I read this circa about 8 years ago. https://libcom.org/files/__Debt__The_First_5_000_Years.pdf This is the book David Graever is most well known for, I believe. I also own "The Utopia of Rules", which is 20th-century cultural analysis of the history of bureaucracy and institutionalism (focusing mainly in North America), which I picked up at the used bookstore across from where I used to work. Good read.
  14. Right, so this is to keep track of what I'm doing with my language studies as well as with the books I'm reading everyday. Inevitably, I need to keep track of what I'm doing in a much tighter and more disciplined way, and I didn't want to keep spamming Confessionals or the other METACOG journal with what's going in here, because it's probably going to get pretty repetitive in nature. (This is the main reason why I haven't been writing about it, or continually doing progress reports there.) There will also be observations on the quality and speed of my ability to intake information, what I'm planning to do with it if anything, plus other thoughts, observations, aspirations, and questions, etc. about the material. An important part of this journal is to track areas for improvement consistently.
  15. TODAY'S SKETCHES: I really ran out of time with that second one, bottom left. Too lazy to edit anything out. These lines are too delicate to use too much colour over them, without negating the effect entirely.
  16. @Esoteric Yea, everything by DCD is great! I was also the same with Lisa's voice at first; it dominates. Like in Host of the Seraphim... So apparently, a massive inspiration for Lisa Gerrard's vocal style, which I completely was not aware of when I was younger, was this Bulgarian choir (Le Mystere des Voix Bulgares) that came out with their music sometime in the 80s (or possibly earlier). She even performed with some of these Bulgarian choirs semi-recently. If you're curious and you haven't listened to it, I did a post about it with some vocal samples here. The second song was also used directly in Xena Warrior, some show from the 90s, I believe. And more samples, but possible/ likely influences here (I know that Kate Bush and David Bowie were also a few artists directly influenced by "Le Mystere des Voix Bulgares". I have read of Brendan Perry's voice described as a goth-ish/ darkwave Frank Sinatra. Yea, I grew up listening to a lot of baroque, so I listened to a lot of Bach, Handel, etc., but I haven't listened to any of it as an adult. I also taught myself how to play some of it on the clarinet because I already learned how to read sheet music in late childhood, so why not. My brother's music taste was also a huge influence on me, he listened to a lot of ambient, electronica, trance/ house music, minimalism, and also I guess what would be considered new age music. So like Philip Glass, Brian Eno, Adimieus, Enigma, etc. As a teenager, none of my school friends or family was into metal, or even rock that much, or anything overly aggressively, really. So I mostly shared my enthusiasm with myself until I met some people online who were into the same kind of music. I never knew anyone else into Frank Zappa at 16, for example. Frank Zappa was too weird for my friends and also my boyfriend, so again, just sharing that enthusiasm with myself. Sad, haha. I still listen to Philip Glass a decent amount and modern classical minimalism.
  17. SELF POSSESSION/ BATTERY: I think I figured out the right combination of the following factors: 1) soft-focus/ hard focus vs. active focus/ passive focus (I'm used to doing 'passive focus' with 'runic/ glyph magick', which simply means that I have my intention encoded into a custom made symbol, which I then focus on passively via its physical presence.) 2) focused/ coordinated deep breathing, kind of like cobra breathing. I have good breath/ energy responsiveness... which means energy movement is synchronized with intention which is synchronized with breath. 3) visualization (or not) 4) orgasm. Yep, that's some excellent stuff. Probably this is going to be the basis (or at least, another pillar) of my practice for a very long time time to come. Gotta hijack and have complete control over my nervous system. There is always a physical component to this sort of practice, mind-body-breath, connection, etc. I need high energy levels for a lot of things to come. Plus I do need to take care of myself a lot better. High energy levels, especially using burst energy (whatever the source) knocks out a lot of previous patterns very quickly. It's the basis of a lot of the earlier practices that I recorded in the METACGOG 1, although I chilled out with using some of those processes. "hypnosis" (if you can even call it that at this point) + conscious scripting + affirmations (=done in "normal consciousness) + this practice. This practice above is probably the strongest one, technically. When you practice deep and consciously focused breathing while masturbating, it does make everything feel more drawn out and orgasmic, as if the whole thing is coming in rolling waves. The whole thing just feels more orgasmic, period. (Masturbation, because I don't know, it just feels so self-absorbed to make self about focusing pretty much entirely on my processes/ work, and pleasure (receiving and giving it) completely secondary. So I've dabbled in this a bit, but only when my partner has the same intent otherwise I feel like whatever the female equivalent of a douche is. Plus having absolute control of sensations and my body really works well here.) (All aboard the douchecanoe:)
  18. I keep making separate journals, even though this is also a sort of "coming out". I keep feeling like I won't be able to keep track of my thoughts/ practice in a cohesive way unless I keep splintering off, because I have a lot to say. 1) consolidating my sexual identity in a public way, because there's a gap between my "true identity" and expression of it still (social conditioning, what's left of personal limiting thoughts and inhibitions, etc.) All these divisions and barriers need to come down. I feel the need to take this idea of transparency to its logical extreme, and because I feel like it's essential for my own mental, emotional health at this point; I still feel far too constricted; I hate it. In general, I don't really believe in the need for such a thing as private thoughts, by that I mean thoughts or feelings that you HAVE to keep private. It's kind of a societal and personal illness. Not saying that you should want to do what I do exactly... 2) (Re)cultivating my own sensual/ sexual sense, or simply finding expression for what is already naturally and innately well developed in me. Doing this in an introspective and inclusive way, since I'm still a bit all over the place in my thought and expression relating to this. Creating my own erotic language (both in the descriptive and the creative sense), new ways of talking and thinking about this, if you want to call it that. Bringing together the intellectual/ anayltical, the creative (in my case, in prose/ poetry form, and possibly my visual art stuff too), the personal/introspective, the practical aspects of sexual/sensual development... all into one place. This is a bit of a project on its own, no? 3) "practical aspects", SEX MAGICK/ TRANSMUTATION: Exploration into the sexual energetics aspects of it, for knowledge and PSA reasons (even if it's really just consolidation and integration of my total body of knowledge/ experience... from what is technically multiple lifetimes). 4) This is somewhere where I'll stop feeling the need and inclination to give TMI trigger warnings, because I do in my original journal (Confessionals: Coming Out). And I have written about it, but I'm never quite as direct (which may or may not be explicit) as I want to be. (Sometimes I want to tease/ dance around the truth, and sometimes I really don't. If there's no choice to it, if it's because I feel like I still need to be proper in some way by maintaining some sense of withholding in this way (??), well then that just ruins the spirit of it, doesn't it?) TMI instances of my own sexual thoughts, fantasies/ inclinations, and practices in explicit and possibly extremely self indulgent detail. Because, direct experience, honesty, transparency, aesthetics, etc. In the end, people have the opportunity get to know me in a sexual/ intimate way possibly better than they know 1) themselves 2) whoever they are with intimately 5) Sexual/Sensual Aesthetics: Where is it in this world,as you look around it see it? The spirit and the soul of it? (IMO it's lacking a certain something something.) ***The phrase ars erotica comes from Foucault. I appreciate the sentiment and inspiration behind it, more than how he actually understands it and explains it (I may repost his ideas here later, for reference).
  19. FIVEHEAD/ HAGIOGRAPHY: You could fit a second brain in the heads of some of these Byzantine era depictions of saints. I wonder why that is?
  20. HUMAN.EXE CURRENTLY LOADING: Computer metaphors abound for the human psyche (historical note because I've been putting a historical note on pretty much everything lately: this line of thought became dominant during the technological boom of the 50-60s, at least here in North America.) So I'm going through a very intense period of clearing out my mind (again), but moreso changing the way I process yet again (see above): Rewriting my OS be like: Viva la Revolucion!: I'm just discovering this meme now, apparently: Hacking in movies is like: furious typing, intense music and close up of keys.
  21. So I've spent the last 8-9 years in relative isolation, and my whole life either consciously and deliberately hiding aspects of myself (don't we all?). I find that I've turned from being naturally a very open and sociable person as as a child into someone who lives in a very insular way. This does not fit in with my life purpose anymore. I have to figure out a way to share, communicate properly, and to move people. To figure out what it is that I have in me that other people need and find of value. I find myself stuck at times, and moving far slower than care for, thinking about and fixating on stuff that I know really doesn't matter in the long run. Mostly because there is this sense of guardedness which isn't dissolving without giving myself that forceful push. Everyday (or as semi-regularly as I can manage to post something relevant), I'm going to be posting or writing about something which I typically hide from others in my "normal" life. Some of these things I've been hiding for YEARS and YEARS. Some of it's major. Some of it might be a bit trivial, but probably has some significance in the greater scheme of things/ my life. Sometimes it's going to be some details about the way I think and process experience/ information, and sometimes it will just be details about my life, as it's been.
  22. @Esoteric Dead Can Dance is one of my favourite groups of all time!! I discovered them when I was 15-16. Well, I was introduced to them then, and it felt like some act of grace from the universe. I listened to Aion and The Serpent and the Egg constantly, although I listened to pretty much everything... I'm not a completionist, really. I don't always finish listening to whole catalogs. Brendan Perry's voice is really underrated IMO. If someone here says Dead Can Dance is not that spiritual or unevolved or something... James LaBrie is one of the few vocalists that I've heard that I actively dislike. I'm not sure what it is exactly. It's so grating. There's just too much technical noodling with that band overall. More isn't more, etc. My taste has always stayed consistent in that way. I think with Tool... there's always that aspect of genuine emotional resonance with vocals. Like singing from the gut/ heart, whatever Maynard was processing at the time. When I relistened to Tool as an adult though, I am struck through by how much everything is carried by Danny Carey's drumming. I don't know that much about drumming, but there is an amazing precision and intensity to it, so I kind of just want to focus on that more than anything. Yea I remember reading about his involvement in the occult as a teenager, and how he used that to form his drum sequences. That and math. Also, you got into that music pretty early. Sometimes I wish I had the opportunity to be exposed to a lot of other types of music growing up, but all I got was whatever was on the radio for pop, and then a lot of classical and sometimes jazz (my dad's stuff). Maybe I would have been too young to appreciate it then, I don't know.
  23. @Zigzag Idiot I think I'm gonna revisit Tears For Fears. What albums did you listen to? Also, I don't miss being that age.
  24. DAILY SKETCH: A quick wash with acrylic ink and watercolour, on the same cheap sketchbook paper (old habits die hard). Pilot G-TEC-C4 pen done freehand like everything else in here. That blurring on the left-hand side as a result of scanning though... Another really quick wash, the sketch doodled out yesterday though. It could definitely use more shadows.
  25. @DrewNows Do you feel like you fit your astrological type? I'm not super into astrology myself. As a side note: I think Libra is the only zodiac sign which is not an animal or person. We're just... a set of scales, haha.