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About Iiris

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  1. @Shin I've actually watched that video at some desperate moment of mine. It has great advice, I've seen those things work in my own life too
  2. My little sister was just telling my parents how she's the cool one from their children and I'm the loser and nobody That hurts........ And I just heard that terrible shit is gonna happen. We play at that music event with that band of mine and I have to go to some press conference next week because of it. I don't even know what that is, but it sounds scary as fuck. Also time is running too fast and the music event is gonna be in less than two months. Every time I think about it, ANXIETY. Could I get super enlightened or something before that so that it wouldn't matter if I fucked up everything ? Or could I have some weird energy release and just scream out my social anxiety ? Probably not, I have to face the terror. I don't know how I'll survive that. But also I don't know how I could die there. I guess I'll still be alive after that somehow. I am not the least bit excited about this. One day I actually was but not anymore. There are phases when I don't worry about this event much. I think that it's not too big of a deal. But then there are phases when it's absolutely overwhelming to think about it. God. Why aren't I excited at all? This is the coolest thing ever! It's only a possibility. No one really cares if it turns into a diaster. I could have fun playing there... But wait a minute I can't even have fun when we are practicing because of my anxiety. *sigh* this is hopeless. Too much for me
  3. @Zigzag Idiot Oh sorry, I completely misunderstood you. My father never really says that he’s sorry. But probably when he’s being overly nice it’s because he’s feeling guilty. And I can’t say he’s not trying to be a good father. I know he wants his children to be happy. He has just so much of his own shit, and when he tries to do something to make us better human beings he usually makes us worse.
  4. @NoSelfSelf Yea, if I don’t get angry at him for being angry, his anger doesn’t get more fuel. It’s just kinda hard to not get triggered. But sometimes I’ve been able to detach from that
  5. @NoSelfSelf Yeah he has a lot of issues with his mental health and he’s quite narcissistic too i guess. Trying to keep a distance is probably good. Otherwise I just get poisoned by him
  6. @Zigzag Idiot Thanks for ur comment! I don’t know if my anger is that big of a problem. I wouldn’t consider myself a person who gets angry easily. Mainly just my father makes me angry. And I usually don’t express my anger so there’s not much to feel guilty about. But of course I have to work on this anger cause things might get worse
  7. I thought I had complained about this enough, but my mama was gone for four days and at that time I realised how much of dad's negativity she has to handle. Because I had to handle all of it now, and it was a lot. I could hear him breath downstairs and I would get angry, because I heard that he was angry and frustrated with no reason like always. And the way he tries to raise my little sister... my god. One time we were eating I felt like crashing my plate on his head. Then he suddenly asks me something very nicely, and I get confused and can't do anything but answer nicely. Then gets back into angry mode and starts annoying me again. That's how he is, one moment he's almost overly nice and playful, next moment he's frustrated with everything and everyone. And when mum came back I could see how much of her energy goes to trying to deal with my dad. I don't even understand how she's able to smile and be positive when my dad goes around all angry. She tries to use humour to make dad more self-conscious, but of course dad doesn't laugh because his life is bad and we don't understand. I may be taking sides too much. My mother isn't a perfectly good human being. And my father can be nice and funny. And it's not his fault that he is an asshole sometimes. He didn't really have a choice. He's a result of his circustamces. I can learn from him.
  8. Thanks for those tips! I've never seriously thought about finding some spiritual group. But now that you mentioned it, I'm thinking it would be soo cool to get to know people who are into spirituality, and even get friends like that. Thinking about it makes me excited. It's just shitty that I basically live in the middle of nothing. I don't have facebook either, but I'll do some research on this. At least when I get the hell out of here to some bigger city I could find those kinds of poeple And I play electric guitar in two groups. I think playing is fun but in those groups it's mostly terrible because of the anxiety I wrote about that here some time ago. And also playing in both groups is taking too much of my time, I'll probably leave either one of them
  9. Thanks imma try that 😊 Yea small steps is probably the most important. I have to actually go to social situations if I want to learn to deal with them I haven’t tried psychedelics but playing with my consciousness sounds like fun. And well they could have some healing effect on me. If I had an opportunity to try them I definitely would
  10. @ZenDancer Thanks for your nice comment It's always nice to hear people tell that their anxiety has gotten better. It makes me have faith in my own future
  11. I definitely haven't embodyed it to the point where I can just love everything that happens, but yes I can see it at some degree. What I don't really understand is how it could have made me stronger if someone said something mean to me in my childhood, more like it made me traumatized and insecure But I can see that every struggle I'm having is an opportunity to grow, and if I relate to my struggles in that way, they help me grow. If I just try to avoid suffering I won't really get anywhere or learn anything. I watched Leo's sage video recently, and now when I'm suffering I sometimes think that that moment is a part of my journey to becoming a sage or something. It makes dealing with the suffering more enjoyable
  12. Getting stressed about quite irrelevant stuff. Like my notes on things being imperfect. I need to know exactly what to do in my life. But I don't know what to do and I can't stand that. Also I don't know in which hecking university I should apply and what to study there. Well, I kinda know what I'm interested in so I'm not completely lost. But still it is a big decision and I don't really know what to do. If I purchased the LP course I wouldn't have time to do it before applying because I also have to study my ass off to get good grades to get to a place I want to get in. But I don't know where I want to get in. Life is difficult. Sometimes I wonder why life can't be just easy peasy. But some asshole decided to make life as difficult as possible... I guess that's me hehe I don't know. Sometimes I can accept confusion and go with the flow of life and just trust that life gets better. And I know that's a healthy way of being and I wonder why I am not always like that. But then I always go back to being neurotic about everything and needing some rule or something to guide me. Leo said that if you have a strong enough vision you don't need to know exactly what to do. I can kinda get that. Maybe I should work on that
  13. Really liked many of those quotes and the book definitely seems great, it's next on my reading list For the last few weeks I've been realising that embracing my suffering is really the key to detaching from it I might definitely have some of that in me I go to see a school psychologist once a month. I'm actually seeing her tomorrow. I think it would be more helpful if I could be a little more relaxed there. I feel so uneasy and can't really think clearly there. I answer her questions with max. one sentence and then look at her like "I think that's it, more questions?". I look at her and feel like she's probably running out of questions and is desperately trying to come up with new ones. I feel like could be able to learn better about myself there if I could think more clearly. But well, maybe I'll learn to be more relaxed if I just go there many times. Also she gives me some exercises, usually I don't really do them. But I don't feel too bad about that, I do my own things which I think are important Yay
  14. Me too, I imagine giving that kid everything that I would've needed as a child I'm happy to hear that you find this helpful. I started this journal just to help myself, but now what motivates me to write here is that someone might get some value out of my writings. I've been very concentrated on helping myself and making my life better, it feels great to give some value to others sometimes Trying my best to not make people feel bad because of me