kag101

Exactly... There's a quote I really like from Jack Kornfield "My family hates me when I am a Buddhist. But they love me when I am a Buddha."

Do you use drugs?

I think that if you have completely backslided just because you ate something outside of your usual "healthy" diet (that is, what your father cooked), that's a sign that your strategy for eating healthy is probably neurotic. From my experience, binge eating has a lot to do with repressing oneself. You tell yourself a lot of "no's" and you eat in a mechanical way. However, just like a pressure cooking, you sooner or later explode. For a very long time, I was vegan and only ate extremely healthy food, with virtually no oil, salt, or sugar. I was really neurotic. Little did I know, I had developed an eating disorder called orthorexia. I was also into yoga and Buddhism. After a year of this dietary perfectionism, I was very underweight and barely ate. All the repressing I did for almost a year came back full-force to the other end of the spectrum. Even though I was still a vegan, I was eating a LOT of carbs. Dealing with eating disorders is not easy. There is no easy solution. Most nutritionists suck, but there are some good ones.

Yes. Lots of beliefs we have today stem from childhood. And many of them are incorrectly. We as children concluded many things, but oftentimes inaccurately. After all, we were children. So it's really important take time to examine our beliefs. For example, if someone was told in childhood that "Rich people are evil"; this person might subconsciously self-sabotage when he or she is earning more money. Cognitive-behavioral therapy can be really useful in this case so as to challenge those outdated limiting beliefs.

Some people, like Garbor Mate, think that almost every single difficulty is caused by childhood trauma. On the pole opposite, there's this guy. IMO, it's the middle ground. Our upbringing affects our lives, but it's not the end all, be all.

Dear Gosh... I tried to read this journal, and boy oh boy did I write a lot. Reading what I wrote and editing is important to just leave only what is truly important. I am considering opening up a new journal on here. For the past month, I started a private journal. It's been really good. There are some very cringey stuff that I wrote here that would be better off in a private journal. Last Monday, I turned 23. I still haven't found a new psychiatrist. I started taking keyboard classes, but I got demotivated to do so. I want to see the "new" Tarantino movie.

This sounds tempting lol

Tuesday, September 2nd, 12:28 AM I really need to change my psychiatrist. I am wasting my time with him. Both my dad and my psychologist are insisting that I keep going to him. I had a break from my depression and anxiety today, and it became clear to me that this makes no sense. This doctor makes me feel bad. I never have any "a-ha" moments with him. Why would I insist with someone who is not working? I have been going to him for 3 months, and that's enough. My strategy would be going to a new psychiatrist every week until I find "the one". I think that would work. I feel like I have already found a psychologist who "fits" me. And now it is time to find the right doctor (and consequently the medication).

Wednesday, August 28, 7:00 PM I was pretty depressed for a week. I have also been sleeping a lot, but at least I'm waking up in a decent time (around 10 AM). Today, though, I woke up with no depression. I was a little bit lazy, but I managed to do things. The new dosage of my medication has probably started to kick in. That being said, I am very cautious about thinking that "now my life will be depression-free". I've found a psychiatrist through the internet. She seems to be really good. I have scheduled a session with her for the end of this week. But I think I will put it off. My current psychiatrist is decent, and like it or not I have to wait for the medication to kick in. Depression is just... scary. A good analogy for it is like being unable to see colors. Everything is B/W. And when I am in that state, it seems as if I've always been depressed and always will be. Tomorrow I have a psychotherapy session. I really like my therapist. She's very empathetic and is a great listener. I always leave the session feeling better than when I got it, and with at least one powerful insight. Tomorrow I will talk with her about going or not going to this new psychiatrist. My grandma has come to my house so that she can treat her cancer. Apart from that, she is also clearly depressed. It is really sad to see how the end of her life has been. My mom is taking care of her. My mom is suffering a lot with that. Anyway, at least, I have been able to help once in a while.

Omg... you're being neurotic about neurosis... I agree. Psychotherapy has helped me a lot in this area. The trick is finding a good therapist.

No way. The goal of spiritual practices is not to become a passive person. This is a common misconception. This goes back to the idea of "killing" the ego. What you really want is a strong but tamed ego Here's a good read on this topic: https://jackkornfield.com/misconceptions-selflessness/

August 22nd, 7:27 PM The consultation was pretty shitty. I felt like I was in a coaching session. The psychiatrist asked things like: - What do you want? - What are you doing to get what you want? I told him that I wanted to quit acting classes. Then, he asked: - Tell me one specific and straight-forward reason for that. Seriously, fuck off... I don't want to answer these types of questions. I want to feel emotionally stable... I don't want to fucking set goals Interesting to note that I wrote about how I hate these kinds of things the day before: Side Note: I found a very good book called "I Am Not Sick. I Don't Need Help". The author is a psychologist of Columbia University. His brother had schizophrenia. For seven-fucking-years, he was trying to convince his brother to treat himself using logic. But it didn't work at all. It's like a dog: the more you push it, the more it pushes you back. Then, he took a different approach. A more compassionate and empathetic one. He stopped telling his brother what he needed to do, and instead tried to truly understand him. This was how his brother accepted to treat himself. Here's the Ted Talk. Very good: My Opinion On My Psychiatrist I don't really like him. He is very fake. He has an inauthentic tone of voice. He shakes hands extremely firmly (I think that's to give the impression of confidence). And he doesn't understand much about Social Anxiety, which I believe is my real problem. I have focused so much on depression and bipolar that I forgot about SAD. ______________________________________________________________________________ Well, that didn't last long. I was very depressed for the last 2 days. I had a psychotherapy session today, and it was very good as usual. Now I feel good. She is truly empathetic. And she is very good at making me slow down and focus on fewer things but on a deeper level. With her help, I decided to: 1) Quit the acting classes. I feel very relieved to have quit the theater thing. This was giving me a lot of antecipatory anxiety, and I was procrastinating to tell them I was going to quit. 2) Take keyboard classes. I think the keyboard classes are something positive to include in my routine. It is not extremely hard, instead it is something cool, engaging, and stimulating. And the teacher is great and easy-going. Other insights: 1) Try to recognize my authentic self, which is underneath all the layers of conditioning. 2) I have a natural talent for researching. Can I feel depressed, anxious, etc. in the upcoming days? Yes. But at least now I have less pressure. I will experiment the classes for a month. Then, afterwards, I will think about what I will do. I think I have a good strategy.