kag101

Turn out this whole behavior activation thing backfired. I’m very anal about stuff so when I choose a strategy or a Motto for my life, I have a hard time being flexible. To counter that, one affirmation that I’ve been experimenting is “do nothing”. You know, being lazy is widely considered one of the worst traits one can have. But oftentimes it is a necessary defense against toxic productivity. So doing nothing can actually be quite healing, because it removes all the unnecessary stress. Of course, it can have its own side effects, such as slacking off way too much. But overall, it can be a way to recover your natural self. That doesn’t mean that I’ll just vegetate on bed all day. But instead, knowing that some things that I will do require some willpower to initiate, but that I will let go of the constant excessive control of my own self. Let’s see how that goes!

It’s all about getting fed up with wearing a mask.

Just to give you guys some more view: I struggle with depression. And over the past year or so my mood has fluctuated a lot. I either barely wanna get out of bed or I feel like in the top of the world. That does raise the question if I’m bipolar. Anyway, one thing that I’ve decided to take more seriously is physical activity, especially swimming. I think it’s done wonders for my mood and I should make it a priority. It’s no use doing some Affirmations in my couch if I’m not taking more concrete movements in fact, one of my affirmations is behavioral activation. I really like this concept because it takes that. No you don’t feel like doing it, but you are gonna do it — even if it’s imperfectly or half assed — as a way to challenge your depression. Depression makes me feel like I’m incapable, and that my body will collapse if I forced it a little bit. So I’d rather push it a little more on the action side then on the self compassionate one. That is to say, it’s OK if I overdo it.

There’s a technique that I developed: I repeat an action-oriented affirmation for 20 times. This helps guide my behavior. For more detail, here’s the topic: So basically, I want to try it out in a more systematic way for the next 50 days or so. Until August 1st. Whenever I feel out of ground, I will do this technique. Here, I will share if I’m becoming neurotic with that, which affirmations have been working the most, etc. I’m looking forward to seeing my results. It’s something that I truly believe has had a positive impact on my life. That being said, maybe my ultimate intention is to not have any specific intention at all lol.

haha, that's pretty nice i don't do it for every single activity though — that'd be quite neurotic lol

Wow, that’s a powerful dream my takeaway: the devil feeds itself from fear

The logical mind says that, but reality is much more mindfuckery than that. When you fully accept your destructive tendencies (your devilry as you put it) — you actually go full circle and become a saint.

if only it was that simple...

I think we should embrace devilry. As Jung pointed out, if we don't embrace our shadows, we will always be incomplete.

i just repeat the affirmations and it builds into my subconscious . so all my actions naturally gravitate towards it without me having to think about @Hasson_Miah thanks have you tried it?

@theleelajoker thanks for the feedback. I see intentions more as general orientations than concrete tasks. For example, “spend time alone to recharge” feels too specific to me. It already defines the form the action should take, which limits flexibility. “Take care of myself,” on the other hand, is more abstract, and therefore adaptable. It works like a thesis statement that guides my behavior without locking me into one strategy. Taking care of myself might mean staying in and resting, but it could also mean meeting a friend if connection is what I actually need in that moment. And I agree with you about checking in with other people. I tend to be very introverted and try to figure everything out on my own. But an outside point of view can offer a fresh perspective!

What is this? I’ve been experimenting with a way of setting my mind and sharpening my focus by consciously choosing an intention for the present moment. The idea is inspired by yoga and Buddhism. In yoga, this is called Sankalpa. In Buddhism, intention is central to the path and is known as cetana. My intentions are similar to affirmations, but they are action-oriented. They are not abstract positive statements. They are behavioral directions. Examples: Take more risks. Allow yourself to be lazy. Take initiative. Have fun. Absorb what naturally resonates with you. Throughout the day, I pause and ask a question I learned from Jack Kornfield: What is my highest intention for this moment? I wait for what genuinely resonates instead of forcing an answer. When the right intention appears, I repeat it out loud 20 times. Repeating it only a few times doesn’t go deep enough. Around 20 repetitions, something shifts. It settles. It feels embodied. It starts to influence my behavior almost automatically. When I find the intention that fits the moment, I feel aligned. It’s as if my life suddenly has a thesis statement. If it doesn’t fit, I don’t force it. I try another one and repeat it until I find the one that matches the situation precisely. Every moment asks for something different. I don’t fixate on one identity or trait. I adjust in real time. How it works for me As soon as the adequate intention appears, there is clarity. The mind organizes itself around it. My actions feel coherent instead of scattered. Doing this throughout the day has helped me feel more focused, less diffuse, and more intentional in how I act. Who this might be useful for This might be especially helpful for people who grew up without clear direction, structure, or modeling. For those who felt unfocused, scattered, or unsure how to orient themselves internally. It creates a kind of inner compass. Instead of waiting for external structure, you generate direction from within, moment by moment. Possible risks One concern I have is becoming overly obsessive about it. I don’t want to feel like I can’t act unless I’ve repeated something 20 times. So part of this is an experiment. I’m watching whether it remains supportive or starts to feel rigid. The method should serve clarity, not control. I’m curious what you guys think about this approach. Does it resonate with you? Do you see benefits or blind spots? If anyone experiments with it, I’d be interested in hearing what you notice. Feel free to DM me. Id love to have an intention partner hehe

Focusing on the basics? I’m thinking of focusing harder on the basics. Problem is, I can get quite neurotic in the process — stripping away all my spontaneity. I just wanted to think in a simple way. Don’t overcomplicate things. Just focusing on doing things in a simple way. I’ve started this new therapy and I was contemplating about one thing I can focus on is to build good habits, work on my foundations. And let me tell you they’re pretty shaky right now. I tried to ignore that sort of thing, and do things my way. And the result did not look good. I’m thinking of whether I’m going to talk with my doctor to try to convince him to prescribe me some medication. But I think it would be better if I just try to trust this therapy that I’m doing. It’s so hard to be positive about myself. I honestly don’t like where I’m heading. I’m eating way too much. I feel like my testosterone has gone way down. Like, OK, I don’t need that much but I certainly need some. Anyway, I have to remind myself of a bigger picture. Like, this moment in my life is not pleasant but now I have strategies and resources to pull myself out of this quagmire that I’m in right now.

I feel gloomy. All the vitality that I was experiencing before has now vanished. I’m left with my same old me. This old me can be pleasant for others, but I feel my energy stuck. Trying to emotionally bond with others i’ve been trying to focus on emotionally bonding with others and being more vulnerable especially with my family and close friends. Like, opening up about my mental health. But I think this may be all a façade. Some months ago I was using a mask of being hyper extroverted, and maybe now I’m using one of being hyper understanding, soft, and pleasant. But the truth is: I want to feel connected with others. I want to be my vulnerable self. I want to accept the fact that being alive is being vulnerable. And that no amount of hyperindependence will protect me from the inherit uncertainty of life, which is: things can fall apart, my parents can die unexpectedly, I can get a depressive episode that will last forever, I can have these wild mood swings over my entire life, people may not like me, I might not be able to be productive member of society, etc And I find that the best way to protect myself from all of that is to share that with others, to not go by myself all the time. I want to do this experiment this year: Spend less time with myself, which is a hard thing for me. Because being by myself is so secure. There’s no risk of being hurt by what the other person say. My mental health I went to my psychiatrist and he decided to not go back to the medication in this moment. He said that the best option right now is to try therapy and if that doesn’t work, then we can think about going back to the medication. I did a psychotherapy session of ACT. It was a free trial so I decided to give it a go. I don’t feel confident with the therapist. She seems amateur tbh. And I feel like I look like an easy case but I’m actually really complex. I wish I could do the therapy with my old therapist but she’s overly expensive. i’m thinking of giving it a go with this therapist, trying to do at least 12 sessions more or less and see how that goes. I have to be honest, though, I am not confident.

I enjoyed the experience of writing here again, even though I doubt many people will read it. But it’s cool to have an archive of what I am experiencing my life. Two personas I feel like I have two personas inside of me: one is really outgoing, child-like, chaotic, unpredictable, spontaneous, and fun yet irritating. The other one is the complete opposite: formal, never takes risks, never irritate anyone, overly serious. I think I have built this false self to protect myself from an environment that doesn’t allow self expression. But the thing is: both are unbalanced. The chaotic one is fun, but cringey and burns out quickly. The serious one is extremely sensitive and a great listener — but it’s boring and robotic. And this is where I’ve been over the last year. Alternating between those two. I really try hard to find an equilibrium, but I just can’t seem to pull it off. The most random trip This trip that I took was really random. I didn’t even know the people. I’m not even close to the person who invited me. At first, I was like a childlike version of myself. Speaking whatever the fuck I wanted, trying to have fun, drinking a bunch of whiskey, etc. But then… I woke up feeling groggy and sad. It’s as if I’m using alcohol to self medicate. And then, I switched to my robotic self: I wasn’t saying anything out of my comfort zone but deep down I was just a bore to be around. going back to meds I really don’t know what to do. I’ve talked with my psychiatrist to go back to the medication that I was having, but he told me it’s better to hold off for a while. Honestly, I don’t understand that. I just wanna feel good, you know? Who cares if I get depended on a medication? I certainly don’t. While I was in this depressive state — which was a real contrast to the high energy and spontaneous one that I was before — I began to contemplate about the types of medication that will come up in a few years, which will be able to regulate the neurotransmitters in a magical way, similar to Soma, the drug in the book Brave New World. back to therapy? I’m really unsure about going back to therapy. To be honest, all I wanted is to take the meds and feel good. But I feel stuck to be honest. I feel like I’m saturated with psychotherapy and psychiatric sessions. Sometimes I feel like it’s all bullshit. Especially antidepressants.