kag101

MEDICATION SCHEDULE & STRATEGY: (for possibly the rest of the month) 1) 8-10 AM Wake up and take 200 mg of the prolonged liberation pills 2) 12-1 PM 25 mg immediate liberation 3) 3-4 PM 25 mg immediate liberation 4) 4-6 PM 25 mg immediate liberation 5) 8 - 9 PM 25 mg immediate liberation 6) 10-11 PM 300 mg immediate liberation Total: 500 mg OTHER GUIDELINES: > As soon as I get up, I will set the alarms on my phone for when I will take the pills. > Take from 1-3 times of the painkiller I like to use. > Nap, if I feel like it, from 20-90 minutes. > Stop by myself and gradually with the pregabalin (which is a medication that doesn't do shit to me) COMMENTARY: That’s a way more realistic strategy. I am in a moment of slowing down and have smaller expectations on myself, and taking maybe a higher dosage than the "ideal". My next consultation with the psychiatrist will be on the 31st. Until then, I think this strategy will allow me to feel stable. PS: I think I will print this and put it on my room's wall.

HOW THE CONSULTATION WENT I was feeling very confused and tensed up while I was there. I had this pervasive fear of being judged as a “whiner”, "weak", etc. However, my psychiatrist was very patient, open, and nice with me. We decided to increase the dosage of my current medication, and we’ll see how I feel until the end of the month. FUCK MY PSYCHOLOGIST. I WILL NAP IF I WANT TO! Then, I went home and took a nap. My psychologist told me I should avoid napping, but to be honest I am glad I did it. I feel refreshed. And it’s one thing to “nap” for 4 hours (like I used to do) and nap for 90 minutes. TENSED OR IN PAIN? PAINKILLER IT IS! I woke up like 10 minutes ago. I feel very tensed in my shoulders and neck. But that's something a painkiller can take care of. I definitely feel calmer. MY EXACT NEW DOSAGE + SOS PILLS A important thing you guys need to know: my fixed dosage is now 500 mg daily, and I can take up to 4 pills of 25 mg throughout the day in case I feel bad. It's an SOS type of thing. SOMETHING MY PSYCHIATRIST SAID I DIDN'T AGREE The doctor said that the antidepressant and anti-psychotic properties of this medication take a few days to kick in. I am not sure I fully agree with this. I have had moments where I was depressed or too agitated, and taking it helped me calm down. He said in this case it is only a hypnotic effect. THE IMPORTANCE OF THE EXTRA PILLS (SOS) For the rest of the month, I will take the increased dosage, and at least for the next week, plan to take the 4 extra pills everyday. I do not think I will have the discipline to do that for a long time, but I think in the short run, it is something important. Those extra pills often have a “placebo” benefit. I convince myself to do something by telling myself: “Ok, I will go there, and as soon as I am there, I will take one pill.” He said that I should drop the idea that this medication will make more energized. He said that my “volition” was low, which is basically my will-power, but I didn’t agree with that. Today, specifically, I was feeling lazy and unmotivated, but that’s not my baseline. INTUITIVE HIT As soon as I got home, I made a phone wallpaper written “TRUST YOURSELF”; It is very easy to let the opinions of psychologists or psychiatrists be more important than my own. In moments of emotional vulnerability, we often belittle ourselves. But following my intuition (despite what others were saying) was really important to have many blessings in my life, such as meeting two of my closest friends. MY PSYCHOLOGIST'S ADVICE ARE USELESS Another thing my psychologist recommended me that I will not folow is to avoid seeing “dark” stuff. I have been reading a book about bipolar disorder called "An Unquiet Mind", and i was really excited by it, but then I thought it would be better to stop reading it. I mean, what is the problem with that? If what I am naturally leaning to is “darker” stuff, then what is the problem? Should I only do butterfly-and-rainbows kind of thing? Sure, I don’t think I should overindulge in negative things, but this book, for example, is a biography of one of the highest authorities on maniac-depressive illness (aka bipolar disorder). It can be a huge inspiration to me! STOP PANICKING OVER LITTLE STUFF. No problem is unsolvable. I often think things are worse than they actually are. I demand perfection in my life, so whenever something slightly bad is happening, I panic; I think it is the end of the world. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Reminder to myself: It is okay if I take painkillers for a while. It is okay if I take a slightly higher dosage of my medication. The real thing I should worry about is repressing my thoughts and emotions, and being "a good boy" all the time. Because when i do that, things come back stronger and uglier. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Radical honesty is not overexposure and orversharing!

Day 23 - 7-16-2019 Weight: 98,2 kg Commentary: I tried to install an app for keeping track of how much I eat, but I just didn't have the discipline to keep track of it. I also had a depressive episode that made overeat A LOT. Today I woke up feeling "unswollen", so I decided to weight myself. It was more or less 98,2 kg, which is not bad at all. I do admit that I have been eating more than I "should". Anyway, my initial goal was not to go beyond 100 kg in the 30 days. I want to schedule with a nutritionist I found online that has a "humanistic" approach. But I don't want to give up completely on this challenge. My "goal", once again, is to not go beyond 100 kg.

I have just scheduled a consultation with my psychiatrist for today. I will try to stay as honest as possible. In my opinion, the dosage should increase 100 mg daily. I will see what the psychiatrist tells me. I will also ask if it is possible to take all the pills at once at night, or if this is not a good strategy. And if I can I was planning to do some stuff with my friends, but I am just not feeling very well. But I am farily certain this is not depression; I am just grumpy. The weather is cold and cloudy today, so maybe that's it. I also tried to schedule a nutritionist today. I am glad it didn't work out, because it would have been too much. I have some pain in my body. It's very likely that it was caused by my mattress. I will try to convince my dad to buy me one by the end of the week. But anyway, the most important thing I have to do today is to go to the psychiatrist. Just showing up is enough. I will report how the consultation went later today (or tomorrow).

Haha! Good one!

Impressive work!

Hello to all, New Journal - Cancelled I had created a new journal the following journal: I did that so that I could keep things more organized, but i think it is not the right time to do so. Guidelines For This Journal The main reason why I have this journal is to vent freely, without being a neurotic Virgo who likes things to be perfect. This journal can be a draft for a better journal in the future. I can experiment here as much as I want, without any pressure to do something "outstanding". I want to try it out different types writing, content, style etc. New Dosage of My Medication This new dosage of my medication is certainly better than the one I was taking. For so many years, I tried to have a way to take me out of depression. Never had I have thought that a medication could take me out of depression. I had so much preconceptions about the pharmaceutical industry. Thinking on the bright side, I now see how pivotal taking my meds are. It's a no-brainer. Nothing can do more good for me than taking my medication correctly. My doctor and I haven't figured out the exact dosage yet, but figuring that out is just a matter of time. My Friend's Friend My friend's friend is still here in my city. And I am so glad that I have been able to do stuff with him. He will stay here for 5 more days. I have been planning with him what to do. We can go visit my team's soccer stadium, watch the new Spider-Man at the movies, go to the Ibirapuera Park, play soccer at the local park, etc. Birthday Presents For My Close Friend Yesterday I bought some birthday presents for a close friend of mine. She always gives me cool stuff, and I had never given her any presents. It was fun to do so. It was also good to challenge my stingy part. Apart from that, we talked about depression. She is a spiritualist, so she is "against" medication. I tried to express my point of view and how much the right medication has helped me. I Have To Talk With My Psychiatrist Speaking of which, I think I need to talk to my doctor about increasing the dosage. I will text my dad to ask him what he thinks about this beforehand, because i don't know if it is better to talk to the psychiatrist by the phone or schedule a consultation. Thank you for reading!

OLD JOURNAL I have been writing a journal here called “Keeping Track of My Depression” , but I decided that it is time to start a new volume. For three reasons: First of all, keeping track of depression is not enough; I must actively seek strategies to confront it. Second of all, depression is depression; it is not “my” depression. Third of all, that journal was a big mess. I might organize the texts later on. I might write a book on this RECAP I started a psychiatric treatment on November of 2018. I experimented with a few medications, and I have finally found one that works really well with me! This by itself is a great victory. The thing I have to remind myself over and over again is that if I stop using it, I will backslide, and those ugly thoughts and emotions will come back to haunt me. A WRONG DECISION CAUSED A DEPRESSIVE EPISODE Three days ago, my psychiatrist had the idea of reducing the dosage, and add a new antidepressant. That was a bad idea. Result: I had my first depressive episodes in three months. I was sleeping too much; eating too goddamn much; and isolating myself. All of which are classical signs of depression. PSYCHIATRIST MADE UP FOR HIS MISTAKE Thankfully, he is a “talkable” psychiatrist, so not only did he not reduced the dosage, but he actually increased it. That was the right move, in my opinion. After all, I now feel stable once again. I went to my best friend’s birthday party yesterday, and it was so much fun! I was very relaxed and was enjoying the moment. WEIGHT GAIN As I mentioned earlier, I am also trying to lose some weight. But after this depressive episode, I can see how there is no rush in doing so. I clearly gained weight due to depression. There is no doubt, because when I am “normal” I do not binge. I do like to eat wheat and sweets, but it is nothing big. GETTING BACK IN TOUCH WITH MY DAD, AND HIS FAMILY Another important thing is that I am trying to get back in touch with my dad and his family. I am going to my psychologist today with him. I think it will go well. THINGS I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH BY THE END OF THE YEAR (DEC/19) > Get back to teaching English and Portuguese. Have 5-10 regular students (weekly classes) > Do a children's theater play in Christmas > Have 5-10K followers on my Facebook, Instragram, and Youtube pages. THANK GOD DEPRESSION IS GONE I will go to a soccer match with two friends. I am really glad depression is not there, because it would make that moment very hard to enjoy. Thanks for reading! And if you think you have depression, seek help ASAP. Thing is, you have to find a good professional. PS: I will likely edit this post later today. This is a draft version.

A lot of people are full of themselves here. They confuse mental illness with spiritual enlightenment. Quite pathetic, if you ask me...

July 12th, 10:43 PM Good-bye, Depression! Good news! I am off of the depressive episode. I talked with my doctor today, and we agreed to stay with the same medication and to actually increase the dosage. I am glad he is a talkable psychiatrist. He may be like a robot, but he’s actually pretty nice and understanding. Having this mini-depressive episode was quite beneficial in a way, because now I see what depression really looks like. It is indeed an illness, and it is real. It is such a relief to be out of it. I am so glad I took the initiative to seek help. Depression is a very illness that incapacitates. It robs all your energy and vitality. It makes you feel like retard. And it makes you feel like you’re a waste of space. It’s terrible. Going To My Psychologist While Depressed The fact that I went to my psychologist earlier today was key. I decided to go to her, despite how I was feeling. And we had a very good conversation. She is really good because she makes me hold my horses. I tend to be very anxious, and my thoughts are all over the place. And when I talk with her, she makes sure that I am taking one action at a time. I have come to realize that virtually anything is possible as long as depression is not there. With depression, everything becomes a burden. And it is no use trying to “force” yourself to do something. It doesn’t work like that. If you’re depressed, and you brute force yourself to do something, the result will be shitty. Sometimes you do need to do something despite you not wanting to do so. But with right medication, this type of will-power is not needed. Depression is like having a fever. Doing things while you have a fever is very challenging and it can even be unhealthy, because it can prolong it. When the fever is gone, then you can do things much more naturally and easily. Analogously speaking, when depression is not present, things are easy as a pie. I am not saying there aren’t difficult things in life, but after having lived for more than 12 years with clinical depression, almost nothing seems hard. Everything is doable. You also get a lot of empathy and compassion for others. Because you have suffered so much, you are able to help people get out of hell. Best Friend's Party I went to my best friend’s birthday today. I was such in a light mood that I was able to cheer everybody up. I was feeling very relaxed. No social anxiety whatsoever. Man, I love my medication, seriously. That is a pill from Jesus, haha. Yeah science, bitch! Tomorrow I will go to my psychologist with my dad in the morning. Then, in the evening, I will go to a soccer game with a couple of friends. I am sure it will be a good day

July 11th, 4:53 PM Hello, Depression, My Old Friend... Damn, I wasn't expecting depression to come back. I went to my psychiatrist yesterday, and he prescribed me a new antidepressant that I already used. I was like, "I don't need this. I am not depressed." Then, as soon as I got out of his office, I started to feel very low on energy, my self-esteem was terrible. I was downtown, and I would compare myself to every single person thinking that I was a loser compared to them. I was feeling very lonely. Then, I slept for about 10 hours. I thought I was "depressed" because I was tired. But I think it is safe to say that I was not. I took a nap today, and I just woke up. And, I don't know, I am just not feeling ok. I am feeling how I used to feel in the beginning of the year. Very sleepy and with no will to do anything. My best friend's birthday is tomorrow, and I just don't feel like going to see him or my other friends. I will have to limit how much time I spend there for my own good. Then, on Saturday (two days from now), I will go with my friends to a soccer game. I honestly would prefer to not go, but since I already bought the tickets, and they are very excited to go, I will go. I will survive. I have a psychologist consultation tomorrow morning, and I will tell her how I am feeling. She's very supportive. And I will make sure to buy the new antidepressant today. I can't fool myself: I am too low. This is not normal. Nothing in my life happened for me to feel so blues. Last time I used that medication was about three months ago. And I was using it with another antidepressant. Result: I started to feel very euphoric. But my doctor told me that this probably happened due to the other antidepressant. I have to try... I don't want to feel depressed. And I am anxious to feel okay once again. The antidepressant takes about 2 weeks to have some effect. And in the meantime, I will have to try to reduce the damage of the depression as much as I can. I was already feeling very anxious in the beginning of the week, so that was a sign that a depression episode was going to come up. I thought I would be able to deal with a depressive episode quite well, because I already have knowledge of it. But let me tell you: nothing can prepare you for depression. When it hits you, it makes you feel completely disempowered, as if you are the worst human being in the world, the weakest one. It messes up with your brain's chemistry. It makes everything 10x harder. But, hey, I have been there before. I know it sucks, but today I have a much stronger support. Depression makes me believe that "my case is unique", "I will not get through it". But that's a lie. I will get through it, and there are a lot of ways to tackle depression. The variety of antidepressants are huge. And I don't need to hurry any results. If I can manage to find the right medication by the end of the year, that is a big result already. So that's it. After two or three months, depression has come back to visit me... But it is not a welcomed visitor. I can't force it to go away by will-force, but my psychiatrist, my psychologist, and I will do everything possible to make it go away ASAP. (sigh)

Thanks, man! I really appreciate your encouragement!

July 10th, 2:26 PM My Current Psychiatrist I am about to go to my psychiatrist. I think it will be the last time that I go to him. He was important for me, and I am pretty sure my cycle with him will end today. It's okay to go to just 2 sessions with a psychiatrist. I was thinking of not going to this second one, but my psychologist convinced me to do otherwise. He is very open and honest about the medication. However, I don't feel that much of affinity with him. He forces his voice to sound more "professional", and I really don't like that. I want a psychiatrist that has a natural tone of voice, who listens to me non-judgmentally, and who can see which medication will work and which dosage should i use. I will ask the psychiatrist today if I can double my morning dosage. i have been feeling some aggressive urges, some irritability and some depression. Nothing big, but I think increasing the dosage might be helpful. I will see what he thinks about it. There is a psychiatrist who is an authority on Ayahuasca. he lives in the amazon, but he offers Skype sessions. I will try to convince my dad to go to him. At least for one session. I want to hear his feedback about my life and my mental health. Strategies for Socializing Without Getting Drained I just came back from my friend's house. Two of his friends came over. They will stay there for 1-2 weeks. If it was at another time, I would have felt very anxious as if I needed to "entertain" them. But now I see that this is not my responsibility. If someone's bored, it is because of them, not me. And one thing I have been trying to develop is strategies for socializing for a specific amount of time, and then coming up with a good and natural excuse to go away. I am a High Sensitive Person, so I get easily drained from social interactions. And for a very long time, I didn't know how to deal with that. But after reading the book "Quiet", by Susan Cain, now I see that I am not alone on this. A lot of people force themselves to interact and act "happy", then they commit suicide. People will judge me regardless of what I do. I am not saying that I shouldn't give a fuck about what others think of me. Instead, I need to find that sweet spot between maintaining my individuality, and at the same time being able to live as a community. Making Money & Anxiety & Patience I have been feeling like I need to make some money. I am trying to find a way that will not make me feel too exhausted or drained. But I should also remember to be patient. My birthday is on September, and until then, I will focus on going to doctors (speech erapist, pain doctor, psychiatrist, and psychologist) to make sure I am ready to face challenges in a "safe" way. For too long, I tried to deal with the worldly challenges by myself, as if I knew everything and didn't need help. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Not only do I need people, I also can benefit a lot from good professionals. As I mentioned in the last post, I love so much science but when it comes to applying it to me ( by going to doctors, for example), I dismiss it as if it wouldn't work or something like that. Buffonnery! Doctors are scientist. And science is what is going to really heal me. Thanks for reading.

July 9th, 11:04 PM Solitude vs Loneliness I have been feeling pretty good lately. I have been doing a lot of things by myself, which is a good thing, because i was getting too dependent on other people to do stuff with me. And it is really liberating to do things by myself. I am not going to lie: it can feel lonely at times. But I am learning how to find the balance between being myself & being with others. I am going to talk about this with my therapist. Neediness & Toxic Relationships Another thing that has been bugging my mind is romantic relationships. I am a pretty needy guy, and I get fixated on some people that will obviously not going to work. It is a waste of time and energy. I keep thinking about them, and when i text them, i am not relaxed, but instead tensed up and caring too much if I am sending the "right text", and they don't give me the attention I know I deserve. It becomes one of those obsessive kind of things, where I believe that sooner or later they will start to give me attention and they will fall in love for me. But, in reality, that wouldn't even be a good thing. Because I am under a spell. If those people who I try really hard to impress go out with me, it won't be satisfying, because ultimately physical appearance doesn't really matter. I know this in theory, but in practice I am still attached to them. And one thing I have learned in life is that trying to force maturity is a terrible thing. It doesn't work , and it backfires. Maybe I should go out with the "less" attractive people, and see how that goes. I hate the fact that I am projecting a unreal expectation to some people. In romantic relationships, one thing I have found to be true is that before being romantic partner, the person and I should be friends. Furthermore, there should be a more or less equal exchange of energy. To give and receive. But the overwhelming majority of the relationships are unequal. I either give too much and don't receive anything back; or I get too much and don't put out anything. Bottom line: I am tired of not valuing the right people. The people that don't give me attention are the ones I focus on, whereas the people who are truly there for me, I belittle them. (Sigh). Throwing a Wish To The Universe... I have read somewhere that writing down wishes increases the odds of them coming true. So, let's see if it will work. By September 2nd, I want to have gone out with a person who i am naturally attracted to, who is from 20-24, who lives close to me, and who is first and foremost, my friend. And I want us to be both attracted to each other. i want that there will be a more or less equal exchange of energy , in wich i feel I can grow with. I will put this date on Google Calendar, and I will write here to see if my dream was realized. Hehe. Getting Acclimated to Well-Being I think that a very important exercise is to reflect how much I have progressed. Otherwise, life feels like a never-ending game of setting goals & achieving. Once in a while, it is good to just breathe and be thankful for all the things that have happened in the last year, the last month, the last day. There are so many blessings. It is in the evening right now, and I have some unpleasant feelings and thoughts. There is some anxiety there. Some confusion. And a little bit of depression, I suppose. But, let me tell ya, it is nowhere as intense as it used to be. On April 14th, I traveled with my family, and I had a big wave of depression and anxiety prior to the trip. It was crippling. I had to use will power to make myself go there. It was worth it, but it demanded too much energy to do so. And life doesn't have to be like that. I am not saying life should always be light & easy, but it can be at least 90-95% of the time. The thing is, I have to be a strategic motherfucker to make my life flow easy. I am already on the right track. I have been getting the help of a lot of professionals (psychologist, psychiatrist, nutritionist, speech therapist, orthopedist, reumatologist, etc.) I have always admired science, but for my own life, I thought it wouldn't work. Deep down, I thought my depression was just my ego whining. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I accept that I need medication, and I also keep in mind that the side effects are not that bad; in fact, right now I don't feel any of them to be honest. I am fucking learning. I gotta remember this. I try to be a master in every area of life, and I beat myself up for not being perfect, for not being a "fast learner". But that only adds to the problem. In fact, in actuality, there wasn't even a problem in the first place. My own harsh judgement is the thing that makes the problem real. Thanks for reading.