kag101

I agree. I was going to suggest you maybe talk to him about your need to always please him, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea... He doesn't seem like the type of person who is open for dialogue.

nice

Yes, as long as it is something authentic. That is, not something she's doing because she wants to play hard to get, but because she genuinely wants to wait. I think this is also a good test to see if the guy is worth it or not. If he gets too irritated or frustrated, then i consider that a red flag. the guy probably just want to have sex.

That makes sense. sometimes the solution is much simpler than it appears. i often go into these long questioning of my own existence when i'm spending too much time by myself also. thanks for the help yeap. it's a process... exactly. i think it takes real maturity to come to the terms with that. thanks, that gave me a good laugh

hey first of all, i'm not looking for spitiritual answers, such as "You're not your body. You're Consciousness." i'm talking about a more basic self-development stuff. so not objetive Absolute Reality, but the subjective (human) one. you know, sometimes i don't like that i'm just a stupid animal who thinks he's above every other specie. i'm not pure. i have to take shit. i have to eat otherwise i feel like crap and eventually die. i have to sleep. i gotta have emotional bonds with others all this sound so lame. i don't even have to start talking about how ridiculous sex is, right? i think i'm too immature to accept that i'm flawed. i'm no angel. i'm just a monkey. even though there is this side in me that thinks the material world is pathetic; there's also a part in me that see how infinitely awesome all of this is. of how from a single cell we evolved to become this highly complex beings. of how my body is like a servant that is working 24/7 to keep me alive. etc maybe it's one of those things that i will never find a definitive resolution, and that the best thing to do is to not think too much about it, and just keep taking care of my human needs. i'd appreciate if you could share your thoughts on this. thanks

it always amazed me how the mind is wired to take granted good things that have worked out. example, i was nervous if it would be possible to change my college to a hybrid version. seriously, i worried a lot about that over the past few months. and then, when it worked... i don't celebrate it. why? because the mind is already scanning for other problems to worry about. it's sort of an addiction that i have. i ended up buying this guy. it's much more ergonomical. the only problem with this type of mouse is that it creates tension on a different part. but fuck i'm trying to make some new adaptation lol. one important thing to keep in mind when something is aching is this: how bad is it? because if i'm going to worry about every single discomfort, then i'm in for a disaster. one common trap is to get obsessed about the pain. so instead of resting and let my body recover by itself, my stupid ego starts panicking and then i start doing things to get rid of the discomfort, but that it only worsen the problem. my birthday was last week. it was good. getting older isn't freaking me out that much anymore thankfully. i feel like, because i'm in a good direction in my life, then i don't feel like i'm wasting my time. i'm really grateful for having found my psychologist. seriously. i've tried with many before, and she's the real deal. i used to think that therapy was too soft, slow, and ineffective. i wanted a quick-fix. but all of the marketing in self-help was just that... marketing. some techniques can help, but they are not a panacea. neither is meditation nor psychedelics. going to therapy feels like i'm calibrating my inner tires. i think that therapy sort of have a bad-rep, because the overwhelming majority of therapists are terrible. getting in touch with other human beings is key. whoever says that they don't need anybody. they can be perfectly happy with no human contact whatsoever is full of BS. the quality of the people i interact is pivotal. interacting with unpleasant people doesn't help. anyway, i was feeling so stressed out two weeks ago. i had gone on a date that didn't go so well. the political situation in my country is really bad. i started to get all sorts of pain in my body. and then what truly helped was doing simple things with other people. like hanging out with a good friend of mine. oftentimes when i'm really caught in my own head, i think that seeing others is a waste of time. but actually it is an outlet for stress. i'm an animal one danger of getting too much on spirituality is to dismiss one of our most important needs: belongingness. it takes courage and maturity to fully embrace my humanity. the fact that i'm an animal. "i'm not my body. i'm the eternal soul" >> stop fooling yourself. I just don't want to admit that I'm a freaking animal, just like a chimpanzee. the only big difference between me and it is the complexity of my brain. i don't want to admit i'm flawed. that ihave to poop. you know, that disgusting stuff comes out of my body. i'm not pure. but i have a feeling that when i fully accept that Imperfection, then true enlightenment happens.

i dont really get tbh. how would you define "higher consciousness"?

obviously not. some people crave for this feeling all the time, and they end up becoming addicts. this is an overly high expectation. when you're sober, how do you feel on a regular basis?

NEWS FROM COLLEGE!!! they have replied, and it worked! (99% certainty lol) i think that this change will really help me. it'll be much easier to convince myself to attend boring classes. here are the times of my classes this semester: will this work perfectly for me? idk. will this increase the odds for me to finish my graduation? YES. that was a strategic move. for example, i'm having a sunday blues. instead of having a thought like this one: "OMG... I'll have a long week ahead of myself... i'll only have a day off in 5 days" >>>>>>> "Oh... yeah, i'll have to go to that boring class tomorrow, but at least i'll get to rest on tuesday" BOTTOM LINE: this is reason to celebrate! when i achieve a goal, it's very easy to take it for granted. it's just like with taking the covid vaccine... i'd really enjoy going if the classes were decent. hopefully, the next semesters will be better... that said, i'm doing a lot of self-learning. and my main goal is to get this fucking degree. i still have 8 more semesters to go though lol. gladly, the college i'm going to is easy, so i don't have to worry about studying my ass off. i can study in a more intuitive way. that is, to absorb what naturally resonates with me — as opposed to thinking, "WILL THIS BE ON THE EXAM?????" --- CELEBRATING! i feel like i'm getting really good at chess. my initial goal was to reach 966 by September. and, look at my score: am i still weak at blitz and bullet? yes. the rapid games are actually the longest ones you can get. my favorite type of match is 30 minutes for each player. this way, i can actually think about the position. shorter games are also fun. but I have to play more instinctively, and oftentimes I have to outsmart my opponent by setting a trap. on longer games, i can focus on the chess per se. HOWEVER... I also want to get good at blitz and bullet. a strategy that i used to motivate me to play more of those shorter matches is to set a goal not for my rating, but for how many matches i have played. this way, i don't get too upset when i lose. and i focus on something that i actually have some control over: how many times i play a match. analogy with piano indirectly, playing longer matches also help. it's like learning how to play a piano piece. a very common mistake is to try to play it too quickly right away. no. the most important thing is to be able to maintain the tempo. so it's better to play more slowly but more accurately, as opposed to quickly and inaccurately. speed is important. but accuracy is more. i took a break from these quick matches, because of the pain i was experiencing with my mouse. ADAPTING! i couldnt really adapt with this mouse, because there is no support for my ring and pinky finger. and for some reason, it starts to ache. so i made a huge adaption, lol. i did some further research on those mouses, and i found this model, which has a better support to have my whole hand wrapped on the mouse, and there's also support for the ring and pinky. problem is, this guy costs about 100 dollars where i live. so.... i decided to experiment to adapt the one that i have here. i won't go into much detail on how i did that, but, hey, it's been working so far, lol. i name this guy..... FRANKENSTEIN, lol i'm still not sure if this will really work, but anyway it's been fun experimenting with modifying it. i watched a video on SciShow Psych (really good YT channel btw), and it talked about why we get fond of things that we did it ourselves, even if they're ugly. lol . i couldn't find the video thou... Counterintuitive insight i was really anxious about transferring my major. will there be a spot left? will i lose my scholarship? at some point, though, the only thing i could do was wait. waiting is not as hard as it seems. the key is to distract myself with doing other things. my intention for this moon was the following: let time pass. i love how counterintuitive this is. the art of knowing when to act and when to do nothing.

i bought the freaking vertical mouse. and guess what... i didn't like it. it lowered the discomfort on my wrist, but then i started getting pain on my pinky and ring finger. honestly, it's really annoying. I spent $50 on it, and i don't think i can return it, since i opened it... one thing that i am experimenting is to have some sort of cushion below my wrist. hopefully, this will work. i improvised. if it works, then i'll buy a mouse pad like this one: excess of information can be worse than ignorance. i started to watch a bunch of videos about how regular mouses are like the devil for the wrists. and something that i had never had a problem before, suddenly, felt as if i had always had it. i couldn't resist the urge of buying this fancy mouse. well, at least i didn't buy the really expensive one. that's a lack of emotional intelligence. but anyway, if this cushion below the wrists work, i am planning to buy the following mouse: it's pretty much identical to the one i'm using right now, but it's more expensive and people have given good reviews. the one that i'm with right now is too heavy (and i think this can contribute to the wrist pain) and the accuracy is garbage i'm curious to see the result of all of this mouse drama that i'm going through. like, when this started, i had a ray of awareness of like, "Oh... okay, so this is the 'unsolvable' drama this time. alright let's see how it goes." i have this huge fear of coming across with a problem that i don't have the solution, and that i'll have to simply accept it. however, to this day, that has never happened. i'm not very confident though. i'm experimenting right now, and there is some discomfort. anyway, i'll see how it goes. and i will not force myself to go through pain. i know that doesn't work. a slight discomfort is ok, but after a certain point, nope. my college still hasn't replied if i can transfer to the hybrid version of the major. aaa...

always some BS to deal with there's always something wrong in my body that i have to deal with. right now, it's some wrist discomfort that i've been getting. and it's probably because of mouse usage. i did some research, and it seems that vertical mouses can help with that. it's so annoying because before yesterday i had never felt any type of pain for using the mouse. and now it's as though i'll never be able to use a regular mouse without feeling pain. a lot of things in my life i have to adapt for my "special needs" • the way that i use a pen. i can't really draw with precision, because i can't curl my thumb. if i do that, it starts to hurt. this also happens when i'm typing on my phone. i have to let my thumb on a neutral position. • the way that i sleep i have a whole ritual that i do every time before i sleep so that i program my body to turn to the other side in the middle of the night. this helps me to minimize pain in when i wake up. • milk i started to drink lactose free milk. i do eat cake, sauce, etc that have milk with lactose... • in-person college classes i'm desperately waiting for my college to say if i can change to a hybrid version of my major. just by thinking that i have to go to school every day makes me anxious. • drinking water when i'm speaking the most common physiological symptom i get when i'm anxious is that my throat gets dry. whenever i have to speak with someone for a long time, such as my psychiatrist, i always bring a bottle of water to take some sips. and if i don't have water when my throat is dry, it's going to be impossible for me to continue. • always using a ear plug when i go to sleep this started when there was a construction going on next to my house. it was extremely loud. and they would always start super soon, like 6 am. so i have developed the habit of always using one to prevent any unwanted surprises, such as waking up because my dog is barking. • my mouse has to have some support for my ring and pinky finger this is really rare to find, but if i don't have this, it starts to hurt after a while sometimes i fucking hate my hypersensibility to everything. if, for example, i don't have an ear plug when i'm going to sleep, i will get neurotic about that. i mean, at least i have the option to adapt. would i wish that i didn't need to do all this effort to make things comfortable for me? yes, i would. do i exaggerate sometimes on ergonomics and that sort of thing? yes. will saying to myself to "man up" help? nope. >> the key to overcoming hypersensibility is self-negotiation << the bottom line is, even though it sucks that i have to do all those adaptations, and that a good portion of them are a waste of energy; some of them aren't. if i have learned one thing in my life is that the "macho" approach to dealing with problems does not work. this is an oversimplistic strategy, and life is much more complex than that. being too soft isn't the answer also, as if everything is going to magically solve itself. no, sometimes action is needed. i guess that the biggest problem is the anxiety for fixing the problem quick. this stems from my fear of developing a chronic problem. like, having wrist pain 24/7 and not being able to use a computer mouse or play the piano. random stuff it turns out this guy friendzoned me. i think that he did that because he's afraid of hurting himself by having that sort of intimacy with me. and honestly, i'm tired of him in that sense. like, i'd enjoy to kiss him and try it out, but, seriously, he lacks a sexual side. and i'm not going to try to wake this up within himself, as he clearly doesn't want to do so. • i did a eyebrown piercing a few weeks ago, but today the fucking thing got off of my eyebrown. and when i was going to try to put it back, it dropped from my hand and fell on the drain of my sink. goddamn... • my piano teacher has now a very busy schedule because he'll do a lot of concerts. he cancelled last week's class, and he's not going to reschedule it. Lol... i let this pass, but i made sure to let him know that i was doing him a favor. but if this keeps on happening, then maybe i'll have to take a break. • fear of abandonment >> it's as if sooner or later every aspect of my life will colapse and i'll hit rock bottom. • the next few days are going to be hot. i've been waking up at noon, so it's probably feel uncomfortable to wake up with that heat.

hello! chess - writing down goals is magical i've made some nice improvements at chess. i was stuck at 800 elo. but then i started playing longer matches (30 minutes per player). and i prefer because then i can focus on the chess itself, and not so much about time management. i have reached 900! that's pretty cool. and, guys, i can't stress enough about how powerful writing down your goals/desires are. it seems so simple that a lot of people simply don't do it. but it's almost magical how it works. i had set this goal in april. and i'm pretty sure i'll pull it off. the mind can be a son-of-a-bitch. why? because it can simply forget about all the progress that i've made, all the problems that i have overcome and simply focus on what is going wrong in my life. i feel like just being aware of this bad habit is already a big step towards overcoming it. obviously, being harsh on myself for focusing too much on problems will not help at all. fire cannot be put out with more fire. only with water. sometimes the most important thing to do is DOING NOTHING i'm anxious about whether i'll be able to change my college classes to the evening. that was the only option for the hybrid version of psychology. i'd rather study in the morning, but i think it's much worth it having: classes 3x a week in the evening vs classes 5x a week in the morning it'll be much easier to convince myself to attend the classes if there are fewer of them. for instance, if i'm having a sunday blues, i can say to myself:" it's okay, you just have to go on monday and tuesday; then, you'll have two days off." >>>>>>>>> that'd be really neat but right now... i simply have to wait. i'd say there's a 85% chance that it will work out. my biggest worry is whether there are spots for the evening classes. if there aren't, that'll suck. they said it usually takes 2-3 weeks to get a response. so right now i have to exercise my patience muscle. it's not easy to not let anxiety take control over me. it's all about emotional intelligence. question out of nowhere there's this guy whom i talk with. and he's really really nice. he's really simple. he grew up on the countryside, and it has sort of a purity in him that it's really rare to find. anyway, yesterday he asked me out of nowhere if it bothers me that he's "evasive" about romantic relationships. and he also wanted to know what do i want from him, that is, being just his friend, boyfriend, friend with benefits, etc. i said that i think it's hard to assess that given the fact that we have only met in-person once. but that i think it would be good to just let things roll, without the need of giving the relation we have a label. when i first started talking with him, i got totally infatuated, up to a point in which i was sleeping poorly. he really reminded me of a guy i was really into but who lost interest in me lol. so i projected this onto him. but fortunately, things settled. would i have a monogamic romantic relationship with him? idk. a written down goal i've started to really go out with people recently (1 year and a half). so i'm still exploring. unfortunately, i still haven't gone out with a girl. speaking of writing down goals, i want to go out on a date with an interesting girl by the end of the year. i have a clear preference to guys, but i also like girls. a missing piece, but maybe should have focused on it another time i also wrote him that one thing that i notice about him is that we don't really talk about sexual things. a few months ago, i was trying to crack some dirty jokes. it didn't really work tbh lol. and, like it or not, to have a relationship with someone the person has to have a "sexual" side. if it's just water, then it becomes boring. fire is also needed. i kind of regretted to having written that. maybe i should have left it to say that on another occasion. but whatever, it's nothing big. he hasn't replied yet. i'm just going to let him take his time. i'm curious to see what he's going to say. lol.

Do you talk with girls?

I think this approach of heavy repression towards sexuality is counterproductive. It's one of those things which the bigger the repression, the bigger the obsession. Do you have an active sex life?

i was reading some of my earlier posts that is me some months ago. the classes that i ended up taking were very crappy. and right now i feel the opposite of that. i think it's going to suck. and in-person classes will probably return. so i will have to watch those stupid lectures. i mean, i acknowledge that i'm oversensitive. it's just that i don't want to waste my energy with something that i don't like. and the classes that i took last semester were doing the favor of making me get aversion towards psychology, which is something i really like. it's just... dissapointing... i was so excited after my first class. it was really good. i'm feeling sad because of that. at some point, i had thought that i had found something that i would enjoy doing and which was tied to my life purpose. i'm craving for this stability in regards to the direction of my life, and that is something that i haven't felt in years. no, it didn't work. you don't even have the chance of changing to this modality. i'm really pissed that i wasn't able to change to the hybrid version of the major. why didn't i think about this when i was enrolling to classes?!?! like how come i didn't think how the fewer times i go to the campus, the better. but no... i followed the stupid advice of my therapist "oh, i think the more in-person classes you take, the better." it pisses me off. and now i'm fucked. i will have to deal with a lot of stupid teachers. i will feel like a slave to my schedule. i will feel that typical sunday blues. one thing to keep in mind is that if it sucks, this can be temporary. it's not as if i'm doomed to have the pathetic lifestyle of most people, which includes hating your occupation.