How Was Your 2021? Time for Analysis & Reflection.

[kag101]

"The unexamined life is not worth living."

- Socrates

hey, year's almost over. it's a good time for reflection.

even if you had a bad year, i think it's good to do a postmortem every year to keep track on how your life is going. after all, as Leo says, life unfolds in chapters.

here's mine:

work/study: i started college, which is an important step towards increasing my odds of having a good future. it's all about strategy, after all. the college i'm going might disappoint me? yea, but if I want 100% guarantee on the things I do, then I won't do shit.

emotional intelligence: it has increased. i struggle a lot with emotional hypersensibility.  if I have a certain problem in my life, I oftentimes start panicking. "what if I don't find a solution???"

anyway, i've gotten better at becoming aware when those emotional overreactions. and i'm able to use my resources in a wise way. i still have a lot of work to do. maybe i struggle so much with that, because at 8, i had a huge breakdown when my parents divorced. this made me stop trusting that stability is possible. so now i'm slowly recovering that. 

social life: i used to struggle a lot with shyness (and when I was depressed, with social anxiety). i do feel more confident now. when i'm in a group, i've accepted that i listen more than i talk, but when I want, I do talk. as with many fellow introverts, i used to fantasize being extroverted, loud, and care-free. but now, i actually like the way i am. i see that because i don't speak a lot, what I speak has greater value. 

relationships/sex life: it's gotten deeper. i noticed that i'm going out fewer people. it's a quality over quantity sorta thing. and now, before I sexualize a relationship, I think a lot whether it's worth it or not. i feel more self-confident in this area. 

family: my relationship with them is doing well.

self-development/spirituality: i'm going for my second year of doing psychotherapy. i've actually written a topic here back almost exactly 2 years ago about my experience and the benefits of doing it.

to me, high-quality psychotherapy is undoubtedly the number 1 action that truly improves my self-development.   

finances: from my standards, i was able to save a good amount of money this year. next step is learning how to invest in a safe way.

physical activity/weight: i've kinda struggled in those areas. i did lose a good amount of weight in 2020. i'm in a decent shape, but I want to improve. i've been reading a very good book called "Intuitive Eating". it's a paradigm shift. and physical activity, i had some pain in my body as I was doing it, so I didn't do it as much as I would want it.

hobbies/habits:

 • chess. it is an awesome game. it's something i never imagined i'd be interested in, but here I am. and I imagine i will keep playing/studying it for at least the next couple of years. my main goal is to reach a rating of 1500 on chess.com. 

 • piano. despite being kinda demotivated, i kept doing classes. and it was worth it, because I learned a song that I've always dreamed I would be able to play since I was a kid, Rondo Alla Turca, by Mozart.

 • DIY. i've started experimenting with doing things myself. i'm not confident, so i'm focusing on the basics. and it's something that gives a rewarding feeling.

how would you rate it 1-10? 7

 

it doesn't have to be so structured as the one I did (i'm a virgo lol). it would be cool to hear how you guys are doing.

if you want to do the way I did it:

work/study:

emotional intelligence:

social life:

relationships/sex life:

family:

self-development/spirituality:

finances:  

physical activity/eating:

hobbies/habits:

how would you rate it 1-10? 

 

i hope you guys have a great 2022! ?

Edited December 24, 2021 by kag101

[Twenty]

Stuck with my fam's idiocy/city fight

and now I end up having a bad sight. 

[Roy]

I won't go into any details, but it was absolutely the worst year of my life in almost every capacity you listed.

The only reason I'm still here (alive) is because I know next year can't possibly be worse than this one was so I might as well see how it's going to get better hahaha.

[Raphael]

It was.

[Gabith]

work/study: great I had new projects in the end of the year and I love even more what I do 

emotional intelligence: Way much better but I'm a newbie. Last year I had a toxic relationship, I was weak, stressed, needy. Fortunetely one day I had the courage to break-up with her and I was a totally new person, felt like I was discovering myself for the first time. 
I'm reading & applying the Sedona Method so I think 2022 will be a great year for emotional intelligence. 

social life: Improved my relationship with my friend, became more authentic with them. 

relationships/sex life: oh God no  I went to prostitute 3 times in the year, I had no girlfriend this year but I know now how to love myself and doing the work to become non-needy & more confident. 

family: a little bit better with my mother, we talk more. I don't see my family very often 

self-development/spirituality: best year for me, I started to spend more time with myself & I stopped a lot of addictions

finances:  Like every year I have what I need to have a decent living

physical activity/eating: Going back to the gym since September, gained 2-3 pounds 

hobbies/habits: Great 

how would you rate it 1-10?  8/10 

Edited December 24, 2021 by Gabith

[Cathal]

a suicide attempt, an awakening, a 7 month dark night of pure agony and ending with a soft loving mindblowing change of experience and looking forward to 2022 to see how deep this really goes

have a good 1 m8s

[Gregory1]

Best year in my life by infinitudes. And so far, I never had any "bad" years in my life.

Only thing worth mentioning:

Found God/Infinite Love and realized my unity with it.

[decentralized]

A couple of intense bad trips, loss of a pet, lack of communication in intimate relationships, a bad breakup. I guess Reality was trying to push me out of my comfort zone, I won't resist no more. 

[Norbert Somogyi]

work/study: I quit work at the end of august with a big celebration. I've been unemployed and living off of job search allowance since besides my savings. It was a much needed rest, but I can feel it no longer serves my purpose of building a better life so I'll be looking for one right away. Regarding studies, well, I am not sure. I used to study IT in high school and university, but I quit after my second semester because I just didn't see myself in it. It's a complicated story (I tried to enroll again at the same place due to different reasons) but I realized it's currently not for me. I'm still searching for the thing I'm truly passionate about and perhaps could build a career out of.

emotional intelligence: Tons of growth in this regard, however I still tend to be annoyingly disagreeable sometimes (to the point it doesn't help anyone). Tons of room for improvement. Especially this constant gut feeling I can't let go of, it's a big hindrance.

social life: I have a very small social circle (1-2 friends I hang out with, I actually dropped a long-term best friend of mine this year), other than that my workplace used to be my social life. Ever since I quit though it's been different, as I had to go out there to explore socializing on my own. Going to clubs and stuff trying to approach and socialize with little success (though still success sometimes and it's fun to keep going).

relationships/sex life: I had a not exactly toxic, but not fulfilling relationship with a girl I broke up with this year. We just couldn't make it work no matter how hard we tried. It was a real kick in the ass, but life's been going up ever since. I miss her sometimes, she was an angel on the surface and a real hot witch in bed. Celebrated quitting work by going on a festival where I ended up with a girl in my tent at one night, it was fun! It's been dry season since though.

I liked being single, however I'm thinking about dating again.

family: I moved back home this spring in order to save money for the university I ended up not enrolling in (oh the irony). It was nice to spend some time with them, however I realized I literally can't grow up at home so planning to move out preferably before spring. Their worldviews are, well not exactly shallow, but substantially more narrow than mine and there's a lot of friction due to this fact.

self-development/spirituality: Tons of character growth especially since the breakup. It was noticed by everyone I am close to, especially these days. In the context of spirituality I haven't developed much (in my mind), however I began a daily meditation practice with 2x30 minute sessions and it's been a blessing (I tried many times but failed to maintain consistency). I'm definitely more confident and willing to put myself out there, sharing my opinion and insights with people instead of just listening to them.

finances: Bad decisions upon bad decisions in a relative context. My ex best friend owes me a shitload of money (which he's supposedly repaying, he started to recently) and I learned to put a big boundary in front of anyone who's asking for money from me. Had no option to save and I kind of didn't even want to this last part of the year, just wanted to make up for the lost period of time experiencing life itself.

physical activity/eating: I had a moderately heavy physical job which helped me stay in shape, without it it's getting a problem. I started to cook for myself though and it's really delicious!

hobbies/habits: Inconsistency basically everywhere, a lot of improvements to be made. My productivity is increasing lately though, I plan to avoid it not sticking.

how would you rate it 1-10? Overall, perhaps an 8

Edited December 24, 2021 by Norbert Somogyi
Motivation >:D

[Windappreciator]

i kinda do wanna take part and i kinda don't

[Arcangelo]

I am an electrician!

 

[kag101]

On 24/12/2021 at 8:07 AM, QQQ said:

"If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family" - Ram Dass

Haha, good one

On 24/12/2021 at 10:20 AM, Knowledge Hoarder said:

I ended up transitioning to a philosophy/sociology/history/psychology oriented uni, and discovered my joy for writing

cool!

 

 

On 24/12/2021 at 10:20 AM, Knowledge Hoarder said:

I did not visit psychologist regarding my aspherghers this year, but then again, I don't think I need to. Visiting her 2 times back in 2019/2020 was enough.

why do you think it was enough?

On 24/12/2021 at 10:20 AM, Knowledge Hoarder said:

they're hard to describe, and were pretty minor compared to experiences of others on this forum.

i wouldn't worry about that. most people who had those grandiose experiences only had them because they were using psychedelics.

On 24/12/2021 at 10:20 AM, Knowledge Hoarder said:

Feels good to talk about ourselves, doesn't it?? Oh, the vanity.

i enjoyed reading it =)

 

On 24/12/2021 at 10:37 AM, Gabith said:

Fortunetely one day I had the courage to break-up with her and I was a totally new person, felt like I was discovering myself for the first time.

thats awesome, man!

 

On 24/12/2021 at 11:18 AM, catcat69123 said:

a suicide attempt, an awakening, a 7 month dark night of pure agony and ending with a soft loving mindblowing change of experience and looking forward to 2022 to see how deep this really goes

have a good 1 m8s

have you talked with a professional? it reminded me of my 2016.

 

On 24/12/2021 at 1:43 PM, decentralized said:

Reality was trying to push me out of my comfort zone, I won't resist no more. 

what do you mean by "i wont resist no more"? you'll try to accept whatever happens to you?

 

On 24/12/2021 at 6:33 PM, Norbert Somogyi said:

Going to clubs and stuff trying to approach and socialize with little success (though still success sometimes and it's fun to keep going).

i think thats the right mindset. the goal is to have fun. ive never been to one tbh. i want to go at least once next year.

 

On 24/12/2021 at 6:33 PM, Norbert Somogyi said:

I'm definitely more confident and willing to put myself out there, sharing my opinion and insights with people instead of just listening to them.

good! i can relate to that lol.

 

On 25/12/2021 at 1:03 AM, Myioko said:

 I eat only when I'm slightly hungry and I don't over eat

thats my goal lol

[Heaven]

great thread?

work/study: I’ve been working on my own business and it’s going better than I thought. It’s not easy but being your own boss is priceless.

emotional intelligence: I feel like I became more detached which is something I strive for. Learned a lot about what makes me feel good(Loving as much as possible). 

social life: I’m much more social. Going out twice a week and spend most of my time with people. It makes my life more interesting.

relationships/sex life: I have made some mistakes this year with dating the wrong person which backfired and made a mess.(I don’t like drama). I want to date more women. 

family: There was ups and downs but I got closer to my family. For next year I should learn to put more boundaries.

self-development/spirituality: Stopped meditating. I find it hard to be a saint in this current society. Striving for Orange&green(SD)

finances:  best year so far.

physical activity/eating: started great and dropped to shit at the end. Will improve it significantly next year.

hobbies/habits: Nothing stick. Will workout and start to swim.

[hyruga]

work: Work still has been pretty bad for me this year. I have a job but it's low paying, tiring and potentially dangerous. I am on the lookout for a better job. 

emotional intelligence: My EI has increased tremendously during this year. Read several books and attended several courses. On top of that, I have been going out and gaining new perspectives on a lot of things.

social life: Social life/skills has improved.

relationships/sex life: Relationships life with others has improved. Gone out more often and talk to different people. 

family: My relationship with parents are good. I committed to visiting them at least once a month and was able to keep to that. Disaster happened with my partner and brother however. Both want to sever ties with me. 

self-development/spirituality: I finally go to church regularly. Very happy to make new friends and learn more about God.

finances: Finances was a disaster. Burning money mostly for the whole year but I am confident going forward that I will be able to support myself and eventually thrive.  

physical activity/eating: I have done a decent amount of exercise. Sleep well and eat well too. 

hobbies/habits: My habits are still poor (watching too much videos) I need to have better routines and habits.

how would you rate it 1-10?  3/10 

[Loba]

work/study: I don't work at the moment.  I have in the past, but when my mental disorder started getting worse I quit work and have not worked for about seven years.  I tried to heal myself with spirituality for almost 6 of those years and simply could not do it.  I do study every day, even though I am not in school, as someone who is naturally curious I find that I must/like to be learning new things all the time or I get bored very easily.  I have to be drawing, or working with my hands, or reading or doing something while awake... I hate watching t.v. and just sitting there without introspection or something.  Sometimes this can be a hindrance to just sitting still for a while, though.
I plan to get myself mentally healthy enough to start part-time work and that is my goal for 2022.  I am keeping my goals realistic, for what I am dealing with.

emotional intelligence: My emotional intelligence has improved quite a lot this year compared to previous years, where I had kept a lot of bitterness, now I can let things go.  I have forgiven a lot of people and can hold space for others and am more friendly and outgoing.  There is still a ways to go with this, as emotional intelligence isn't my strongest gift and generally I am not always sure how I am feeling.

social life: My social life could use improvement, but the thing is I am very introverted and kind of awkward initially.  I used to have friends, but when my mental health got bad, I did not treat them well and they either left - or they betrayed me and did actions that were not good for me, either.  Most of them were high school friends, and we outgrew one another.  This was about 8 - 6 years ago; and there is nothing that we would have in common anymore, although I probably would get along with some of them as I am now better than I did then as I am much more self aware, more informed, more emotionally intelligent and spiritually developed - I can set boundaries and decide for myself, whereas in the past I did not and let it get out of hand and I would then get angry - holding it all in - and sometimes explode on them.  Their actions were not kind and so they "deserved" it - but it ended up making me wallow in the mud with them, thus not making me much better - and then making my protests no longer coming from the high ground.  The thing is, I don't want a bunch of friends, I don't like to have to manage interacting with a lot of people.  I find a lot of things people do to be boring.  I like to be busy with my hobbies, listening to music or imagining.  I plan on making some friends in a year or two after I work on some emotional stuff first for the year 2022.  I'll make maybe four or five friends and that is all I can handle - all I can offer my time to.  They will be treated well, but first I need to work on some things emotionally, have a few more awakenings, and get a bit busier with my life so that I have things going on for myself.

relationships/sex life: I'm not looking right now, and wasn't this year - after attempting to get to know someone in 2020 and it ending in arguments, followed by a rehash of the exact same behaviour ... yet again, I still need to work on myself before I can do that.  I need to develop confidence, self love and build for myself a daily schedule that I can put my time focusing on, and my meds need a year or two of working; adjustments and stuff, I want to be sure I don't get delusional while in a relationship because that's, well, it is embarrassing when that happens.  I plan on trying mushrooms this summer and to do some serious introspection this year to weed out some family and previous relationship baggage first - I want to leave all of that at the door and not bring it with me; I want to have some things going for me in terms of what I want to be doing for myself so that a relationship doesn't end up being the only thing I focus on or spend time on, I want to keep my sense of self and ability to work on my path and make sure that I am remaining authentic to myself, and I need to have the extra space in order to hold space for someone and I don't have the extra space mentally right now.  I have never had a positive relationship, and I would like to experience that someday.  I don't want... like, forever.  I just want day by day, each day, a bit of improvement, add time into it, and go from there but I need to mature and individuate first or I will become too attached in the wrong ways, or too little and then too much interested, back and forth like that - I don't have that stable space from which to create something and the whole point of relationships is to hold that space and add to it, so that it creates kind of like a "bank account", or "third entity" of action, that over time becomes fluid and is generated on trust and love - I know how to do that internally - on paper - but not in reality.  So this is something I will work towards, but won't be ready for for another year or two.  I might seek a therapist when I find a relationship and then have the therapist help me build that space - and help me navigate my traumas and stuff.  I don't want a "therapist partner" and I don't want to get lost in another person and lose my sense of self.  Individuality is very important.  I've learned all this in 2012, whereas before I wouldn't even know what I want or be able to articulate this.  It took a lot of self reflection to get to this point, and this is just the beginning.  There's still the "have to go through and re-live the trauma and make it right with myself" point - that's where the therapist will come in.
I need a neutral third party to basically show me how to love another human properly because my family is dysfunctional and did not teach me these things and they spread to me.

family: My relationship with my family has improved tenfold after going on bipolar medication.  I used to fight with them all the time and I would be paranoid, or if they asked me to do something around the house I didn't have the ability to switch gears and would just get pissy.  I can voice my needs easier now and we are more respectful towards one another.  My bipolar got really bad.  I was either manic or catatonic.  So I moved back in with them because I need to work on developing, basically, a productive day that can move me forward.  And the things I had avoided learning for myself all hit me like a ton of bricks - and so I still need them.  I can't do it all on my own.  I wish I could.  So we all worked together, I helped them out, and we moved into a new home and we love it.  My family can retire here and my brother and I will inherit the home when they pass away.  I feel safe now, whereas earlier this year I was living in paranoid fear, delusion and anger and it felt like my mind was "on fire" - now things feel like, calmer, more peaceful.  I feel hopeful for the future and don't feel scared that I will end up homeless, or mentally ill beyond repair.  I learned that with a support system, I can grow and that it is okay to ask for help and I learned that if you have Bipolar 1 - the more severe type - that you have to stay on meds.  Spirituality will not fix a brain chemistry that is so messed up that it makes you catatonic.  It just won't.

self-development/spirituality: I need to do better in the self-development department.  As I mentioned, the mental illness took away my motivation to even take care of myself.  But I did learn what I need to be doing in order to grow based off of what was not working for me ands so now I know what I need to do to develop myself, and I can see where my limitations are.  I don't feel manically grandiose anymore, either, I can see my skillset for where it is.  Spiritually, I grew the most this year.  I've had two hospitalizations that proved to be very helpful, and many awakenings that have shown me things about myself that I did not know.  Both good and bad.  I learned what the entity that I have been working with is, I was able to move it towards the path of light, I learned that my experiences were so intense that they were like a long salvia trip of feverish delusion.  My autoimmune disease flared up around March, and continued for a few months and during this time I had many fever-awakenings that gave me insight into what happens after death.  I was literally preparing for my death, I thought I couldn't handle myself.  I didn't think anyone would come to help, and I could "move" myself.  I tried reaching out to people on YouTube and got delusionally attached and also paranoid about them - just like you'd expect from someone with these sorts of issues - I had to play out the entire spectrum of karma with this person, in order to then see what I needed to work on.
I am like a new person in a lot of respects, but there is still a long ways to go and there is so much room for improvement.  This was a year of learning about, and conquering the fear of death, and it was about accepting my mental illnesses instead of running from them and pretending that I was okay, and could fix myself on my own without any support at all.  I tried to hide it for a long time, and it all came crashing down when I needed those hospital stays to stabilize.  I saw how the medication actually really DID HELP PEOPLE WHO ARE SICK.  I saw them, within weeks, recover in very good ways, and that those who were delusional, or catatonic or schizophrenic, got better.  They did!  The only thing that was a failure was the lack of allowing spirituality, because a lot of people were having spiritual symptoms as well and were told those were delusions.  I have done enough work to be able to tell the difference... usually, but plan to do much more work so that I never, ever.... hopefully, end up with another one again.
 

My goals for this upcoming year are to simply find part-time work, to lose the weigh the meds made me gain through working out, and to do a morning routine that should then set the stage for busier, more eventful days.  I want to start small and give myself goals that I will actually be able to finish.  Before being medicated, I would get manic and think I could do all these things that I could not do - and then would crash and couldn't move and I would be paralyzed by fear and emotional anguish that is rooted in trauma, but the illness seemed to magnify it and I couldn't step back far enough from my emotions to work on it.  Now I can.  I plan do that this year as well.

I've been doing a lot more art, lately as well.  When sick, I stop my favorite hobbies.
My goal is basically to "get a life".  Literally.  Build a daily routine over the next few years that will get me through and just maintain it.  After developing a morning routine for a year and working for just two days a week, I can add onto that the next year, and add a nightly routine, and then the year after that, something else, that is small but life changing and do-able.

This whole year has been one of intense karmic growth.

[Dryas]

work/study: improved quite a bit in this department. Feel like the first time I’ve actually worked towards something regarding my academics. 

emotional intelligence: basically 0 although I don’t feel like developing it will be that helpful in my situation anyways

social life: I’ve been trying to understand how socializing works. Analyzing conversations and my own interactions etc. Overall some good progress. 

sex life: there isn’t much I can do here, still too horny for my own good. the getting laid series was really helpful though 

family: Ok. They can be annoying to deal with but whatever.

spirituality: Tried meditation again a few times but stopped because of reasons (definitely will try again next year)

health: worsened. Very frustrating and demotivating at times. 

Rating out of 10… hmm

5.5/10

hope 2022 will be better.

[Terell Kirby]

In 2021, I realized that one should be grateful for each day that we are alive.

The idea of a "good" vs. "bad" year went away, and I understood that we all learn valuable lessons throughout life .. even from the "bad" years.

Edited December 27, 2021 by Terell Kirby

[kag101]

On 26/12/2021 at 7:14 PM, Myioko said:

It kind of just happens  You can do it! When I tried to make myself eat less, I ate more, but when I try eating what makes me feel good, I eat less and overeating really does become unappealing 

that makes sense. the book i'm reading talks about that. it also suggests to ask myself some questions such as: "how hungry am I?", "do I really want to eat that?"

[kag101]

On 26/12/2021 at 7:27 PM, Knowledge Hoarder said:

Because this forum and youtube channel helped me more, than any psychologist could ever hope to help me.

idk about that... in my experience it has been the contrary. it has to be a good psychologist thou.

 

On 26/12/2021 at 8:12 PM, Heaven said:

work/study: I’ve been working on my own business and it’s going better than I thought. It’s not easy but being your own boss is priceless.

nice!

 

On 26/12/2021 at 9:58 PM, hyruga said:

I have been going out and gaining new perspectives on a lot of things.

im glad to hear that

 

On 26/12/2021 at 10:22 PM, Loba said:

I plan to get myself mentally healthy enough to start part-time work and that is my goal for 2022.  I am keeping my goals realistic, for what I am dealing with.

sounds like a plan!

On 26/12/2021 at 10:22 PM, Loba said:

I plan on making some friends in a year or two

do you have any idea where can you find new people?

On 26/12/2021 at 10:22 PM, Loba said:

I still need to work on myself before I can do that.  I need to develop confidence, self love and build for myself a daily schedule

just be careful to not "overprepare". this can quickly turn into a self-sabotaging perfectionism.

On 26/12/2021 at 10:22 PM, Loba said:

I need a neutral third party to basically show me how to love another human properly because my family is dysfunctional and did not teach me these things and they spread to me.

 i've been going to a good therapist over the past 2,5 years, and it's been changing my life. it goes to the core of the problem. it's not a quick-fix psychedelic trip that doesn't last. it's a gradual and reliable process. 

On 26/12/2021 at 10:22 PM, Loba said:

family: My relationship with my family has improved tenfold after going on bipolar medication.  I used to fight with them all the time and I would be paranoid, or if they asked me to do something around the house I didn't have the ability to switch gears and would just get pissy.  I can voice my needs easier now and we are more respectful towards one another.  My bipolar got really bad.  I was either manic or catatonic.  So I moved back in with them because I need to work on developing, basically, a productive day that can move me forward.  And the things I had avoided learning for myself all hit me like a ton of bricks - and so I still need them.  I can't do it all on my own.  I wish I could.  So we all worked together, I helped them out, and we moved into a new home and we love it.  My family can retire here and my brother and I will inherit the home when they pass away.  I feel safe now, whereas earlier this year I was living in paranoid fear, delusion and anger and it felt like my mind was "on fire" - now things feel like, calmer, more peaceful.  I feel hopeful for the future and don't feel scared that I will end up homeless, or mentally ill beyond repair.  I learned that with a support system, I can grow and that it is okay to ask for help and I learned that if you have Bipolar 1 - the more severe type - that you have to stay on meds.  Spirituality will not fix a brain chemistry that is so messed up that it makes you catatonic.  It just won't.

????????

On 26/12/2021 at 10:22 PM, Loba said:

it was about accepting my mental illnesses instead of running from them and pretending that I was okay, and could fix myself on my own without any support at all.  I tried to hide it for a long time, and it all came crashing down when I needed those hospital stays to stabilize.  I saw how the medication actually really DID HELP PEOPLE WHO ARE SICK.  I saw them, within weeks, recover in very good ways, and that those who were delusional, or catatonic or schizophrenic, got better.  They did!

i got goosebumps at this part. btw - are you currently going to a psychiatrist?

On 26/12/2021 at 10:22 PM, Loba said:

My goal is basically to "get a life".  Literally.  Build a daily routine over the next few years that will get me through and just maintain it.  After developing a morning routine for a year and working for just two days a week, I can add onto that the next year, and add a nightly routine, and then the year after that, something else, that is small but life changing and do-able.

i can really relate to what you wrote. i think you're on the right path! i accepted that i needed medical help in 2018. i got stabilized in December of 2019. then in 2020, i was able to work on maintaining some basic routine and i also started some hobbies. then in 2021, i started college. so it's a gradual process of fixing my life.

and i have to say that going to a psychologist helps me tremendously. the fact that my mood is stabilized (thanks to medication) allows me to navigate through life without feeling like i had a 100-lbs weight on my shoulder. but the thing is, because i havent had many experiences in my life (because I was in zombie-mode for many years), im still imature in some areas. and my therapist helps me a lot to accelerate my healing. id say it amplifies 10x. it's like a calibration. 

 

7 hours ago, Dryas said:

hope 2022 will be better.

me too! health problems is such a pain in the ass

[BipolarGrowth]

work/study: My hours at work were reduced to part time at the very beginning of 2021 due to many severe manic episodes and one severe depressive episode in the months before. I cut my foot while mowing my lawn in the mid/late spring which resulted in me having to work from home for a couple months at even less hours than the 20/week I had been reduced to earlier in the year. I had more manic episodes in the early summer that resulted in me leaving my job. I didn’t work at all from around June to December. I now have a new job which makes about 10-15% less per hour but is much better for me overall than the previous job. My real estate investing business has grown steadily while all of this was going on although my relationship with my business partner is weaker. 

emotional intelligence: I have learned to relate to emotions in ways I would’ve never really predicted were possible. Old sensations of emotional suffering are recontextualized and at least 90% easier to palate as well as even being quite enjoyable at times. I’m far more aware of emotions and how they work on a sensate level. I have become much more loving and selfless than I used to be. 

social life: I lost a lot of friends due to my chaotic mental health in 2020, but this year has given me several high-quality friends who relate to me on very deep spiritual, intellectual, and emotional levels. I also have been blessed to be able to start spiritual coaching to a number of individuals which is incredibly rewarding and a great social activity for me. Most of my closest friends are online now as the type of people I can connect with at meaningful levels has become more rare as I have developed spiritually. I ended up rekindling a friendship which was lost at the end of 2020 with someone who I love and appreciate although we cannot connect on my deepest interests. I had to leave my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game due to my instability in the summer. I have now started having online talks with a couple spiritual masters which has been quite amazing. 

relationships/sex life: I have been single most of the year. There is a beautiful woman from Iraq who is very interested in me who I do care about, but there are many things making that difficult to even try in person. I’ve had a far lower amount of sexual encounters compared to previous years. I’m not too worried about that, but of course regular sex would be nice. 

family: The mental instability has strained my relationship with my parents and one sibling at points, but overall I have become far closer to my family this year. In many ways my dad and mom are some of my best friends. I hang out with my dad quite frequently. Some of my favorite times are going for drives with my parents (they are divorced, so they are not both with me at the same time) where they drive and I usually end up feeling a large pooling of energy come into my third eye area mostly. It’s a great bonding time for us. I’ve really started to enjoy a lot of my dad’s favorite bands and my mom’s modern Christian gospel music. I got to become a lot closer to my oldest brother who has been debilitated by his schizoaffective disorder while him, my dad, and I played through the Dark Souls series of games together over the course of a few months. It was very hard to connect with him before as he is a very fundamentalist Christian and his mental illness sapped him of enthusiasm and energy, but playing those games with him and seeing him actually a bit happier at times was very special to me. I got to go to Las Vegas to see my sister and nephew which was great. I hardly get to see them. On Christmas Eve I was able to bond with my uncle in Catholic mass which that side of my family has gone to for years as I had finally reduced my judgment to Christians. He was so thoughtful in the way he guided me through all of the traditions of the mass so I could understand what was going on in his spiritual tradition. It was really heart warming to see him give that simple but selfless extra attention to me so I would hopefully see the beauty and love which he has been able to experience through his Catholic faith. Afterward, that whole side of our family gathered at his house, and I had a long conversation with one of my aunts about my mental illness and spirituality which was the first time her and I had ever deeply connected. 

self-development/spirituality: I really didn’t focus on much self-development other than in the spiritual sphere of things besides starting to improve my fitness in the past few weeks. My spirituality has grown exponentially. The past seven years of spiritual development which was quite engaged and serious is not even 1% of my spiritual development compared to what happened this year. I “experienced” cessation for the first time on May 28th. My life has never been the same since. What happened that day was so beyond my various 5 gram+ mushroom trips or my 10 tab LSD trip that there is no just way to describe the level of increased significance and power of the event compared to those lower awakenings. 
 

If I wrote about my spiritual experiences from this year in a comprehensive way, it would take at least hundreds of pages. I’ll just list some of the highlights. 
 

-Incredibly deep Bhakti yoga, thousands of times

-Giving my entire being to a spiritual entity/guru resulting in my first cessation

-Absolute Selfhood (being both the Self and self in a completely embodied way)

-Five cessations in 30 minutes

-Having a cessation triggered by my mind being obliterated the Infinite Beauty and Divinity of Jesus Christ

-Spiritually transferring heat from a stone to my body in below freezing temperatures while acting in accordance with the Holy Spirit

-Accessing Absolute Madness

-Accessing Absolute Hatred

-Accessing Absolute Divinity. This is in many ways still the most significant moment of my life. I only say in many ways because I’ve had so many intense awakenings since that it’s hard to even compare one to another, but this really does take the cake. If I had to just throw a number on it, it was at least 10 or 100 times greater than any of my cessation events which I already stated were indescribably more profound and intense than heroic dose mushroom trips or the 10 tab LSD trip which happened pre-stream entry. 

-Accessing Absolute Love through an angel crying a benevolent tear into my heart. This happened roughly a minute before I accessed Absolute Divinity. A few minutes afterward, this completely indescribably beautiful entity did the same thing again. 
 

-Feeling millions of bodily sensations in roughly a six inch radius area in my legs

-Experiencing roughly 10 different hubs of seemingly infinite minds simultaneously 

-Locking in non-locality, the Boundless Space aspect of the fifth jhana, the Boundless Consciousness aspect of the sixth jhana, nondoership, removing the sensation of gravity pulling me downward, and popping the 360° bubble of vision to where they are all consistently accessible aspects of my moment-to-moment experience completely sober, at all times 

-Accessing jhanas 1-8 and potentially jhana 9/nirodha samapatti (depending on whose rules and interpretations of the 9th jhana you’re looking at) 

-Two nuclear-grade heart chakra energetic explosions

-Two nuclear-grade crown chakra explosions

-Learning how to channel energy to/manipulate/“turn on” the heart chakra, third eye chakra, and crown chakra at will. I’ve learned how to do this with other chakras including one beyond the basic seven, but those three are the ones I’m most skilled with so far. The crown chakra is by far the easiest for odd reasons I won’t get into due to limited time to write. Also, when I say turn on, I’m aware that chakras can’t be completely closed. It’s simply a fitting way to describe what’s happening in a way heavily limited by language. 
 

-While I was having an allergic reaction to lidocaine in my foot as it had severely lost circulation which was the most painful event of my life (far worse than having  my foot cut open by a lawnmower) that felt like my foot was simultaneously on fire and being soaked in acid, I surrendered completely to death. When I did this, all pain immediately left my body and was replaced by the full body bliss of the Holy Spirit. 
 

-My suffering is now reduced by roughly 90-99%. Every day is a magical ride. Not a day goes by without a number of significant and positive spiritual experiences. I can reach states beyond my old heroic dose trips completely sober at times. The states I can reach from one hit of THC or weed often blow those old trips completely out of the water. I can’t even bring myself to smoke dabs anymore as the levels of intensity it brings are so absolutely ridiculous. 
 

-Accessing Absolute Time

And the list goes on and on, but I don’t see much of a point to adding any more right now.

finances: Due to working limited hours, leaving my job, not working for several months, and overspending which occurred during a couple manic episodes, I gained a considerable amount of credit card debt. My credit has also been ruined for now. My finances were sacrificed this year for spiritual development. Without the time off to focus on spirituality, I would’ve been nowhere near where I am today in that regard. I’m not really too worried about it. The spiritual gains were worth it thousands of times over. I still own my own house and business at 26. I haven’t had to go without a single necessity. My parents did help a good amount though to make sure nothing got too bad on this front, so I’m quite thankful and lucky for that. 

physical activity/eating: My diet has improved a lot in the past month. I’ve started going to the gym and cycling regularly. I had a big aversion to physical activity in the past which has been helped a lot by the spiritual progress. During a few months as I was really starting to change spiritually at a rapid rate, my body started to do a sort of automatic fasting. It actually became really hard work to eat during that period. My appetite went to almost nothing. I had to entice myself with the tastiest junk food just to eat solid things. I relied a lot on meal replacement shakes. Luckily this problem has gone away. I’ve gotten away from eating fast food quite a bit compared to what I used to. 

hobbies/habits: In the past couple months, I’ve started playing darts and doing photography again. This year I’ve released a lot more hours of video content than ever before. Cycling is also a hobby at times too when I’m not doing it specifically for exercise or transportation. I like to go outside in nature more often now that my physical aversion is reduced. I’m just waiting on better weather in the spring and summer to start camping and doing more outdoors. 

 

how would you rate it 1-10? 10/10 or more honestly I’d say ♾/10