1 year Meditation, 1h daily. Start at 10.01.22

[Gregory1]

Hey sweethearts...

I never thought that I might actually start a journal one day on this forum. My time has come now and as you can see in the title, my journal will be about meditation.

My plan is to meditate for 1 hour every single day for 1 year.

Why would I do something as crazy as that?

Well, let me explain...

Last year I started to experiment with psychedelics. I discovered that:

there really is a potential to this reality, a world behind our everyday life that enforces everything that we experience.

I discovered that there really is an absolute truth which can always be found in our direct experience and that truth has the potential of transforming everything.

Truth heals, truth shelters, truth comforts, truth warms, truth frees up, truth doesn't fight, truth solves all problems. Truth is unspeakable in nature, which is why I won't go in detail about it, words won't do it justice. I hope my meditation experiment can bring my everyday-life to a more truthful place and can transform my everyday-way of being into a more truth-aligned one.

My goal with this journey is to see what meditation is capable of doing for me.

@Consilience was my main motivation for this, specifically with this post of him: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/72807-meditating-2-hours-every-day-1-year-later-psychedelics-vs-meditation/#comment-1002720 but also with the general positions he stands for on this forum. I also got really inspired by his YouTube-channel which I recommend you to check out: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb13ILJymQHKp6NWmLRYg_g, by the way I am not in any way related to him so the only reason I am promoting him here is because I think his work is great!

Why this journal?

Well honestly I am starting it for quite selfish reasons. I am afraid that sticking with a 1 hour meditation-habit might be to challenging for me, so I start this journal which kind of forces me to do it. If I won't be able to follow through other people will be able to see it and it will be harder for me to quit this way. Also I can track my progress this way.

What will you get from this journal?

I will post weekly, every Sunday to be specific. I will keep track of wether or not I did all sessions. And if anything interesting happens in my meditation practice or if I observe any benefits I will let you know.

That's it for now, my practice will start tomorrow, next post will be in 7 days - or in other words: next Sunday. Topic: my first week of 1 hour daily meditation. Thank you for reading, wish me good luck and have a great day!

Bye bye

~Gregory

Edited January 9, 2022 by Gregory1

[Zeroguy]

Good luck. 

[Gabith]

Thank you, your post inspired me. I'll do the same starting tomorrow and I have no excuses because I've got plenty of free time 

[Gregory1]

@Gabith

3 hours ago, Gabith said:

Thank you, your post inspired me. I'll do the same starting tomorrow and I have no excuses because I've got plenty of free time 

Happy to hear this, we're in this together. Good luck man!

[Gabith]

hello I failed, I do 20-40 minutes instead of 1 hour

[Gregory1]

Week #1

First of all, sorry for the late update. Unfortunately I got a 1 week ban last week, so I couldn't post anything until now. In the future I will always make my updates on Sunday, if possible.

Now, lets see how the first week went...

 

First of all, I will share my mediation structure. - the way how I structured my meditation this first week, and the way I plan to do it in the coming weeks and months. To complete 1 hour sits I used a nice tool @Consilience recommended to me. I split my 1 hour sits up in 6 consecutive 10 minute sessions. This makes the meditation more tasty and also helps you to deal with the time. Every 10 minutes you know at which time mark you are now. In each 10 minute-session I did slightly different observation techniques. The 6 sessions are:

1. Focus on the breath around the nose area without loosing track of the other sensations that happen around me (Concentration / Contraction practice)

2. Expanding my awareness / conciousness and make it as inclusive as possible, be open and spacious (Expansion)

3. Focus on my feelings, try to locate them in my body and feel them, without loosing track of other sensations (Concentration/Contraction oriented)

4. Again 1.

5. Again 2.

6. Again 3. but now try to feel gratitude and compassion for having made it so far and for having almost completed a 1 hour sit

If you want to know how exactly to do it, look at the following guided meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ1VBz819HY&list=PLg9-4gMa3rESLGvlKdrjkIpnYK-LIttW4&ab_channel=EthanSchaltegger This is exactly how I did it / aimed to do it, and how I plan to do it in the coming weeks / months. 

Last structural thing: I always did my sits in the morning right after waking up. If I wouldn't do it that way I'm afraid that I might push it away from me til' the evening and maybe end up not doing it. First thing right after waking up.

 

Before I share my insights from the first week, happy news first: I managed to complete a 1 hour sit every single day. 1 day I felt very very bad, that day I did a 40 minute sit in the morning and a 20 minute sit in the evening. Not as good as 1 hour straight, but still good. I am proud that I did it. Hope I'll continue that way.

 

Insights (my subjective observations, not absolute truths in any way):

• From this first week I feel like it is important to be as determined and as rigorous as you possibly can in order to make progress. I had sessions where I wasted lots of time because I did not have enough intention and will power to stay concentrated. When I was focused and concentrated, time was used best.
• Concentration seems to be a key. In my sessions when I managed to stay concentrated and focused I felt like I was "making progress." It is very easy to get lost in thoughts and suddenly lose lots of time without even realizing it. After 5 minutes of being caught up in thoughts I suddenly realized: Oh shit, I got lost. However, when I managed to be focused it felt like the time was really being utilized. From my 1 hour sits I think there where maybe 5 minutes in avarage of good focus. That time was the important time. The 1 hour is necessary to get those five minutes. If I only meditated for 20 minutes I would have only gotten 1 minute maybe of good focus
• For good concentration and high will power / intention, a good posture seems to be important. I sat elevated on a pillow, straight back (as straight as possible) and legs crossed. This is important to stay alert and awake and to stay focused. Keeping that posture without moving for the 1 hour seems to be almost impossible. I allowed myself to move if I felt the need to do so. Sometimes pain arises and sometimes it just feels like keeping the posture is hurting in some places. This is why I sometimes changed the position of my legs, sometimes I even had to get up for a second or two because I couldn't sit any longer. However, I felt that movement of the body breaks my concentration. The less I moved my body around, the longer I could  stay focused. However, I still allowed myself to move around because otherwise meditation would become too hard for now and I would simply quit doing it. It is important to be wise here. I want to establish a habit and I am just getting started. If it is too hard, I won't be able to pull it off
• Sometimes I got up to go to the toilet. This really felt like good entertainment because I was so little stimulated. Going to the toilet was very exciting - so many sensations... I feel like I sometimes abused going to the toilet as an excuse to make a break and stop doing the hard work of meditating. I plan to stop this behaviour. Toilet should happen before meditating and while I am meditating it should only happen if it is really necessary
• Sometimes (happened very rarely but still happend sometimes) short periods appeared where I could really enjoy the meditation. I felt spacious, I felt unaffected and I felt like the room in which everything appears. I think constantly being that „space“ could lead to very powerful experiences. Perhaps it could also enhance the experience of everyday life, because as that „space“ you are not affected by any apperance any longer. However, I only got this feeling very rarely and could never „hold onto it“ for any longer. I had no control over when it came or when it went away. Well, the more focused I was, the more likely I was to get it, that’s what I believe.
• Got my covid booster shot this week. After the booster I was mentally foggy. Meditation got really hard and it felt like it "didn't work" Chemicals and your health seem to greatly affect the ability to meditate. I believe that good sleep and good eating habits can improve the meditations. Also LSD-Microdosing greatly helped my Meditation session (did it two times). I don't think it is a bad thing to meditate with Microdosing occasionally because by getting help from the microdose, your brain sees new ways to meditate more effectively which it can then also use when it is not on a microdose anymore
• I realized that I suffer a lot. And I realized that I never suffer the present moment. I always suffer my imagination of the future/ my thoughts about the present moment and my addiction to control what happens. This seems to be a really important realization to me. It is literally true. I am very stressed sometimes, but never really because of what happens. My own imagination and my own thoughts about the future create the stress. Not sure how to solve that problem, hope it will get better in the long term with meditation

 

Improvements in everyday life

• I noticed, that I could be "spacious/the observer" while playing table tennis. I am training/playing table tennis quite professionally for 5 years now and really felt an improvement. The more spacious I was, the easier it was to see the crucial points and to observe the important stuff. Also easier to not get emotional and play intelligently that way. However, that improvement was small, nothing grandious. No other improvements noticed so far

 

That's my experience so far. Feel free to ask questions if you want to know something and also let me know what you think. I hope I can inspire some other people as well to do some meditation!:)

Edited January 18, 2022 by Gregory1

[Gregory1]

3 hours ago, Gabith said:

hello I failed, I do 20-40 minutes instead of 1 hour

@Gabith Well, 20-40 minutes are still very good! Any observations / anything you'd like to share about it? Keep me updated on how it goes for you!:)

2 hours ago, Knowledge Hoarder said:

Hey man, how's the 1h meditation habit going? Have you stopped, or are you going strong? If so, what's your experience so far?

I've tried to do 1 hour in the past, but I find it quite challenging to be honest, so I'm sticking to 30 minutes. Personally, jump from 15 to 30 minutes is a lot smoother than from 30 minutes to 1 hour! 1 hour seems like a lifetime?

@Knowledge Hoarder Going strong luckily;) hope I can mantain it, shared my experience above. 

You are meditating 30 minutes a day? For how long are you doing it so far? Anything you have discovered from meditation / any improvements in your life?

[Tristan12]

Hey, good luck with the meditation habit, keep it up! I started meditating 2 years ago. I started with 20 minutes a day, then a month later went to 30 minutes, then 45 minutes, then an hour and i've been doing that every day since. After a few months doing an hour a day, it was easier than when I started with 20 minutes a day, so keep it up. The beginning is the hardest.

[Gregory1]

24 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

Hey, good luck with the meditation habit, keep it up! I started meditating 2 years ago. I started with 20 minutes a day, then a month later went to 30 minutes, then 45 minutes, then an hour and i've been doing that every day since. After a few months doing an hour a day, it was easier than when I started with 20 minutes a day, so keep it up. The beginning is the hardest.

Hi @Tristan12 thanks for your message, this really motivates me to keep it up, I hope I'll experience similar effects over time.

Do you feel like meditation has improved your life? In what ways? Thx and happy day for you!

Edited January 18, 2022 by Gregory1

[Tristan12]

2 hours ago, Gregory1 said:

Hi @Tristan12 thanks for your message, this really motivates me to keep it up, I hope I'll experience similar effects over time.

Do you feel like meditation has improved your life? In what ways? Thx and happy day for you!

I've noticed my general level of awareness has gone up quite a bit. I find that a lot of the time I get into a meditative state during random day to day things whenever I get really focused, like if I am trying to pay close attention during a conversation, or if i'm working on something really intently. I also find that my memory has improved quite a bit and I learn things faster, probably just because of increased focus and awareness. I also find awakenings and mystical experiences happen a lot more frequently than they used to.

I think the results I have gotten so far are decent but I expect them to pick up a lot more later. I went into meditation knowing that the first few years are generally slow and results pick up a lot more later on, and that sort of mentally prepared me to not expect too many results right away and to just focus on building the habit. Now I am entering my third year and I can feel my meditation getting deeper, so I think results should start to pick up more over the next few years.

I remember before I started meditating, I heard Leo say that meditation should be the one habit you stick to in your life more than anything, and you should try to never miss a day no matter what, because of how important meditation is and also because meditation compounds on itself so its a bigger deal to miss a day of meditation than it is to miss a workout or something like that.

I made a goal for myself to do that and to try my best to never miss a day, and so far I have done it. I started December 28 2019 and I haven't missed a day since. Even during the times I have gone on vacations to stay with friends or something, I still did it. I find that having a habit like that where I never miss a day, no matter what, has helped a lot for my discipline in other areas of life. 

I've tried to start meditating a few times before, but I would always end up stopping, but this time I was able to stick to it because of the level of commitment and dedication I had to it. I decided that this habit and the development that would come from it was too important for me to miss out on and I wanted to make it happen no matter what, so I committed myself to it 100% and that's what made it stick. That was also an important lesson for me, because I learned that that's how I need to be for developing anything else to my life. I need to be 100% committed to developing the habit no matter what, anything less than that and it probably won't work. 

By the way, I know Ethan too, we've talked a lot and he's helped me along my journey of meditation so far. That's cool that you follow his channel, his stuff is really great

[Michal__]

- 6 x 10 minutes is good, but you should move towards making it 1 x 60 minutes. Maybe next week change it up to 4 x 15 minutes and so on until you manage to do 1 x 60 minutes comfortably. 

- What technique do you do? You should maybe start with something basic like breath counting for the first month (or until you can do 1 hour straight) then move on to something more potent like Vipassana, preferably body scanning. After you get OK at bodyscanning you should start listening to dharma talks during your sessions (that way you train your peripheral awareness as well as concentration while also getting a "transmission").

- read MCTB by Daniel Ingram

- after you do this you should go to a mediation retreat - Vipassana center if you want to receive in depth instruction about body scanning or on your own if it doesnt fit your schedule (but in that case I would probably use the noting technique since it is way easier to learn https://eudoxos.github.io/cfitness/html/index.html

- dont use too crazy techniques until you get good at this Stuff like do nothing is amazing but you should have some kind of base skill before you implement it

[Gregory1]

3 hours ago, Michal__ said:

- 6 x 10 minutes is good, but you should move towards making it 1 x 60 minutes. Maybe next week change it up to 4 x 15 minutes and so on until you manage to do 1 x 60 minutes comfortably. 

- What technique do you do? You should maybe start with something basic like breath counting for the first month (or until you can do 1 hour straight) then move on to something more potent like Vipassana, preferably body scanning. After you get OK at bodyscanning you should start listening to dharma talks during your sessions (that way you train your peripheral awareness as well as concentration while also getting a "transmission").

- read MCTB by Daniel Ingram

- after you do this you should go to a mediation retreat - Vipassana center if you want to receive in depth instruction about body scanning or on your own if it doesnt fit your schedule (but in that case I would probably use the noting technique since it is way easier to learn https://eudoxos.github.io/cfitness/html/index.html

- dont use too crazy techniques until you get good at this Stuff like do nothing is amazing but you should have some kind of base skill before you implement it

Bro I already have my technique. Thanks for caring but I am currently not searching for new techniques.

I am planning to continue doing the intervall-sessions because @Consilience - a really skilled meditator that I respect a lot gave me good reasons to think they are a good idea. 

I see the meditation journey as a long term process. Perfection gets in the way of the goal. Experimentation should be the main objective in the beginning, to see what works and what doesn't.

Also you need a plan that allows you to implement the habit and stay consistent. My current plan seems to fulfill these pusposes which is why I will stick to it for now.

Cheers.

Edited January 20, 2022 by Gregory1

[Kksd74628]

@Gregory1

17 hours ago, Gregory1 said:

Bro I already have my technique. Thanks for caring but I am currently not searching for new techniques.

I am planning to continue doing the intervall-sessions because @Consilience - a really skilled meditator that I respect a lot gave me good reasons to think they are a good idea. 

I see the meditation journey as a long term process. Perfection gets in the way of the goal. Experimentation should be the main objective in the beginning, to see what works and what doesn't.

Also you need a plan that allows you to implement the habit and stay consistent. My current plan seems to fulfill these pusposes which is why I will stick to it for now.

Cheers.

You are extremely right on this, because everyone is different and there is no absolute right way to do anything in life.

Sticking with plan expecially at beginning is very useful to maintain strong motivation throughout journey.

All my love so your journey is as beautiful as your precious soul <3

[Gregory1]

@Tristan12 @Knowledge Hoarder @Kksd74628 thank you a lot for your responses! They are helpful and inspiring. If you feel like you have something to share or some tips always feel free to comment : )

[Gregory1]

Week #2

Todays report will be a very juicy one since I've had what I would call my first sober "enlightenment-experience" this week.

Before we start, I have to appologize once again for the late report. I was not able to post before this day because I was banned once again for 1 week straight. An admin didn't share my sense of humor which is why I got 3 warning points + a 1-week ban. Again, I appologize for the late update. My plan is to update you every Sunday. I hope that I'll be able to do that in the future.

 

First of all, I managed to meditate every day this week for 1 hour straight. I'm proud that I did it but it definitely was not easy!

This week there was more procrastination and more resistance than in the first week. In the first week I was very motivated and had what one could maybe call "the beginners motivation."

This motivation now kind of faded and meditation has become some normal thing that I "have to do" every morning and since meditation can become pretty boring sometimes it definitely was not always easy to do it.

 

Doubts about meditation that came up this week while meditating and before meditating:

• Is it even worth the time I'm investing?
• Where does meditation even lead? What if I am just fooling myself and meditation is just a waste of time?
• I could do something more productive right now
• and so on...

 

Still I did my sits this week and I do not regret them in any way. Meditation is definitely a better time investment than wasting your time watching TV or Youtube and I definitely waste more than 1 hour daily with entertainment so I do have the time to meditate!

The last 15 minutes of the last session of this week, I even got the reward of having what I would call an "enlightenment-experience" so it was definitely worth it.

 

Obstacles that came up this week while I was meditating:

• Physical discomfort
• A lot of monkey mind, I got lost in thoughts quite a bit this week, arguably more than in the first week
• A desire to get up, scratch myself, move around, distract myself
• Thoughts like "I am not talented enough for meditation" or "Meditation won't work for me, my genetics are simply not good enough to be that focused" came up
• Sexual arousal during the meditation session (not a lot, just 1 time)
• Doubts about my posture not being good enough, doubts about my meditation-technique not being right for me
• Thoughts like "todays meditation won't lead me anywhere because I'm too tired" etc.
• Lots of other obstacles, can't name all of them

 

However, I think these obstacles arise for a reason. They show that meditation is working. The ego is not comfortable with being exposed and looked at which is why it brings up these obstacles. Giving into these obstacles can be very tempting and sometimes I got identified with them.

 

On a scale of 1-10 how focused and determined was I in my sessions this week?

• Focus: 5, tried my best but my focusing abilities aren't that good yet, I get lost easily
• Determination: 4, got distracted too easily, not always determined to make the most out of my meditation sessions

 

Insights from this weeks sessions:

• Even though there is lot of time in my meditation sessions where I get discracted, move around to gain physical comfort, do stupid shit, give into monkey mind, get identified with thoughts, etc., there are also always very short and brief moments of insight / clarity.
• If I meditate for 1 hour and have 1 minute of focus / insight it will still be worth it. Meditation is not about being perfectly present all the time, it's about trying your best and with time windows of awareness and clarity will open up
• There is a lot of shit going on in every single moment. We usually disctract ourselves from it by engaging in activities / distracting ourselves. I think I noticed more phenomena this week than the last week. For example I could feel the digestion-processes in my body going on. Also I could feel the bad feelings of digensting something unhealthy and the negative response of the body to bad food. Normally I distract myself from seeing these things by engaging in activities / entertainment
• There is an intelligence within myself / yourself that knows exatly what to do. You should be open to receive messages from that intelligence. For example, in my last session this week, the last 15 minutes, this intelligence told me to stop doing my "current technique" and instead to simply focus on "being." I listened to that intelligence and stopped doing the meditation-technique I was currently doing and what happend was a spontaneous "enlightenment-experience."

 

Enlightenment-Experience:

There is an intelligence within myself / yourself that knows exatly what to do. Be open to receive messages / instructions from that intelligence.

In my last session this week, the last 15 minutes, this intelligence told me to stop doing my "current technique" and instead to simply focus on "Being." I listened to that intelligence and stopped doing the meditation-technique.

What happend was a spontaneous "enlightenment-experience":

I realized that the very thing I am seeking with my meditation is my Beingness. I realized that I already am and forever will be that Beingness and nothing else. True meditation is simply being Beingness. It is your true nature, the easiest thing to do.

While I was "being Beingness" suddenly all questions resolved themselves. All problems faded as I realized that problems are non-existent and that I literally am that Beingness that could never be touched by anything. I realized that I don't need a single word nor a single thought to get where I currently am because I am prior to thought and I felt a quiet and silent inner sense of peace and happiness that is always here, everpresent.

Pure Beingness felt so meaningful to me that I thought that I could stay here alone in my room for a 1000 years and just sit here meditating without getting bored or feeling like I need to change anything. 2 little tears started flowing out of my eyes in face of the discovery I had just made. The significance of Beingness can not be put into words.

The description I have just tried to make is utterly poor and meaningness in face of the "real" thing I am trying to describe. I advise you (the reader) to not believe me and try out meditation for yourself. Be beingness, everything else is lower and won't ever satisfy you.

 

Improvements in my everyday-life:

Didn't notice any significant changes in my day-to-day life. Maybe I noticed more of my own suffering, which kind of hurts.

 

Outlook on the coming week:

I am excited to continue my meditation practice this next week. I know that it is not going to be easy but I am excited especially because of the enlightenment-experience that I have had. That experience gave me a glimpse of where meditation could lead me and shows me that it is not all meaningless and worthless. In fact, Beingness is the holy and divine truth and solves all the problems in the world, could there be anything higher to pursue? I hope that in the coming week, I can improve my focus and my determination. Maybe I'll manage to let my ego step aside again, and open up again to the everpresent reality of Beingness that was here all the time (and forever will be here).

 

If you have any questions or want to comment, feel free to do so. Have a nice day!

Edited January 28, 2022 by Gregory1

[Gregory1]

Week #3

Meditated every day for 1 hour. Happy to have completed 3 weeks straight of 1 hour daily meditation.

Highlights during my sessions:

• Had rare periods of longer concentration on the breath - in this state pain an discomfort in the body doesn't seem to matter at all anymore
• Had the realization that pain is also an object that can be watched, same thing with pleasure. Saw beauty in pain
• Recognized my body as a "beautiful instrument." It is beautiful to simply be and watch Reality unfolding: Breath, feeling of a body, etc.
• Clear awareness of certain foods not being good for my body / not feeling good
• There seems to be a correlation between the degree of relaxedness in the body and the degree of awareness I have. More relaxation means more awareness

Determination (on scale of 1-10): 5-6, will try to be more determined next week

2 important realizations:

1. Ego always wants a "goal." Ego always tries to "attain" something while meditating. This is counterproductive. I need to observe that desire to attain something without identifying with it
2. In my everyday state of consciousness I never suffer the present moment. I only suffer illusions: My imaginations about past, present and future

Changes in my day-to-day state of consciousness:

• To a very small degree only, but it feels like my ability to stop being identified with results / certain outcomes etc. in my everyday state of consciousness has increased. This is helpful for any task, because you never control the outcome. The need to control outcome creates tension which makes the desired outcome less likely to happen
• I had less desire to always be entertained. For example when using train I always listen to music. In the last week I sometimes simply sat silently in the train and observed what happened / had thoughts 

Outlook on upcoming week:

Lets see how it goes. Unfortunately I had no "mystical"- or "enlightemnment"-experiences this week, I guess I need to drop my desire to do so and increase my determination when meditating. Trust in the naturalness of life and let insights and mystical experiences spontaneously arise.

That's it for now. Have a nice week all of you!:)

 

 

Edited January 31, 2022 by Gregory1

[Gregory1]

Week #4

1-week ban didn't allow me to post this in time, sorry for that. Next update hopefully on Sunday (week 5 then).

Completed 1 hour sits every day. Almost failed and quit my habit. Hardest week so far, lots of doubts.

The fourth week has been the hardest week so far. I felt a lot of resistance to meditation and lots of bodily discomfort. A life-situation that I am unhappy with is currently very present and overshadowed everything I did this week. Meditation felt like a "waste of time" and like "woo-woo nonsense", at least these kinds of thoughts came up.

I felt very unclear and very clouded while meditating, had very little time of ease and clarity. One day I almost gave up my practice. It was 10:30 pm, just 1,5 hours of the day left and I was sure that this would've been the last day of my practice. Strangely I got really inspired at around 10:50 and sat down to meditate. I had the thought that I don't wanna mess up all the progress I had already made (meditating for 4 weeks straight) by quitting now. So I sat down on and did it, the session was pretty good, clear, moments of beauty and clarity.

I got one realization that seems to be really key to me. Meditation should not be about "doing the practice perfectly." I forced myself too hard to stay focused and to stay in perfect posture etc. and disciplined myself too hard. It is better to allow myself to stand up if I feel the necessity to do so while meditating, or allow myself to let the posture collaps with it. Meditation should be a practice of self acceptance and self-love. This means that I should try to sit calmly and lovingly with myself. If the need to move arises, I should allow myself to do it. If emotions arise, I should allow them to express. If desire to meditate in a different manner than the current technique arise, I should allow it. This is love. This is openness. Meditation should be embrace of life.

With this realization I hope that I will create less aversion to meditating in the coming weeks and months. I hope that I can deal with the shit that arises. I guess the feeling that "meditation is not working" might be a sign that it is indeed working perfectly. 

Ways in which meditation effected my daily life:

Not in any big way. I noticed the following thing. This could be because of psychedelics or meditation, I can't say for sure. It is something that I feel is very positive and might have come partly because of the meditation practice. Last week I cried over the beauty of a sandwhich that I ate. I consider myself to be a very "unemotional person" and in the past I would never cry about anything. This week I ate my sandwhich and realized how beautiful it is (not psychedelic induced) and I felt deep gratitude and meaning in it and cried over the beauty. It was an amazing moment. Also I noticed more how I feel emotions in certain situations. My older me would suppress emotions while my current me still supresses them a lot but they bubble up more and I can feel them and see them and am aware of having them. This is a positive development in my opinion. But also hard because I had desire to drop everything and just start crying while I was with other people and this is something which is not socially accepted. So I have to repress. 

Let's see how the coming week goes. My every-week-updates will still come in the future but I might keep them shorter. I don't want to be repetitive in this journal so new-week-updates should only contain new insights. 

Have a nice week everybody

~Gregory

Edited February 10, 2022 by Gregory1

[Tim R]

On 10.2.2022 at 0:24 PM, Gregory1 said:

I got one realization that seems to be really key to me. Meditation should not be about "doing the practice perfectly." I forced myself too hard to stay focused and to stay in perfect posture etc. and disciplined myself too hard. It is better to allow myself to stand up if I feel the necessity to do so while meditating, or allow myself to let the posture collaps with it. Meditation should be a practice of self acceptance and self-love. This means that I should try to sit calmly and lovingly with myself. If the need to move arises, I should allow myself to do it. If emotions arise, I should allow them to express. If desire to meditate in a different manner than the current technique arise, I should allow it. This is love. This is openness. Meditation should be embrace of life.

Beautiful

[Gregory1]

Guys I have to tell you the truth and I feel really ashamed...

I failed. I missed 4 days this weeks. The last weeks I was really stressed out psychologically because of some situations in my life so I failed...

I am not sure weather I will get back on track. 

I will update you if I will.

[RickyFitts]

@Gregory1 It's like John Lennon said, my friend: 'Life is what happens when you're making other plans'. Life often doesn't go to plan, but that's all right, that's just how it goes sometimes - there's always another chance to make things right, you don't have to be perfect.