kieranperez

Throwing in the towel

49 posts in this topic

Just now, CreamCat said:

Don't wait for a fancy place. Do it at home if you can. I'm going to do a one-day solo retreat at home tomorrow.

I can't at home. I don't live on my own and I have a horrible relationship with my dad whose always home. I'm either alone walking around San Francisco all day by myself miserable and depressed, or at home with my Dad who I have to share a bed with at fucking 23 where my Dad plays the news ALL DAY at full volume where he debates talking to himself and just works from home all day, never leaving the house, and blames me for the source of his misery. 

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Can you right now find any accessible place where you can be alone? You don't want to be waiting for too long. You need a solo retreat more than I do. Just do it for a day from time to time if you can't do it for a week.

If you can't make time for a day, try to find a 2-hour time block when you can be alone.

Your life purpose cannot be fleshed out when your mind is filled with a lot of petty stuff. Solo retreat is a great chance to work on your life purpose. Even if it's just 2 hours now and then, it can help.

Also, try to forgive and love TJ Reeves or your dad during your solo retreat. Unconditional love frees you from emotional distractions. Can you be productive while you are spiteful and vengeful?

In addition to solo retreat, you need to dabble with many things until you find something you like. It seems you haven't had a lot of time to dabble with things. My parents gave me a lot of time to explore and dabble with things. Thanks to them, I found my life purpose.

Here's what I would do.

  • Dabble with many things.
    • If you notice that you really feel profound feelings while you watch movies, you could think about becoming a movie writer or a movie critic. You can also dabble with playing games, investments, etc, etc, ...
  • Do exercises from Leo Gura's life purpose course.
  • Do a solo retreat to flesh out your life purpose.
Edited by CreamCat

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9 minutes ago, Angelite said:

@kieranperez So your mother aren't at home?

They’re divorced since the beginning of 2017. My mom is borderline psychotic and is turning into (I might as well say “is”) a hoarder.

59 minutes ago, CreamCat said:

Also, try to forgive and love TJ Reeves or your dad during your solo retreat.

Something about seeing TJ Reeves and my dad in the same playing field made me chuckle a little bit (not at you, just kinda funny lol). I don’t mind TJ. I have the right to my opinion of him but it’s merely an opinion and he has the right to his. I know nothing about him, he knows nothing really about me. I’m brash and also blunt with criticisms as I don’t play games. Don’t confuse that with having anything against him and I will leave at that. My relationship with my dad - both our actual in person relationship and also my psychological relationship to him - is going to take time to mend. That’s not going to take a few solo retreats to address. Hence why I might see a psychoanalyst. 

Thanks for your feedback though. I do appreciate it.

That goes for all the rest of you ❤️ 

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Hey man,

What I've found is that this entire yo-yo pattern is the best possible thing that can be happening. Your ego is slowly dying off. Your spirit is slowly strengthening. These moments of deep inner turmoil are when the ego is most enraged and desperately trying to prevent some part of itself from permanent death. No doubt you have already noticed that after weathering these storms, you experience some of your lightest days as your spirit celebrates its greater integration into your new identity. Then the process must repeat. The emotional depth of your process tells me that your growth is profound and deeply rooted at a core level - knowing this doesn't make it any easier on you, but have the faith that once your spirit turns the tables of momentum, you will feel absolutely in awe of the inner strength, worth, love and hope you have rooted so unshakably within you.

With regard to self-esteem. If you really, truly want to flip the momentum of your own energy/beliefs/subconscious actions/thoughts etc. from self-loathing, worthlessness, unlovability, fears of insignificance, mediocrity, meaninglessness etc. to love, worth, confidence, self-belief, self-trust, and a sense of inner-completeness and unconditional perfection etc., it is an absolute MUST that you follow these three steps:

  1. Find your core-thought. Trace a few thoughts (especially negative thoughts, judgments, criticisms) to their terminus - they will always lead you to a consistent core thought that express an egoic fear and/or core belief about your egoic identity -  (e.g. I fear of dying as a mediocre person because that would prove that I my life really is worthless, insignificant and meaningless). This is extremely important. Do this on enough thoughts and you will powerfully realise that every thought you have is connected to a consistent theme around your ego's identity/fear.
  2. Take any of these thoughts and trace the natural consequences of your continuing to let them play out subconsciously. This will show you how powerfully self-prophetic these thoughts tend to be - as in, they tend to create the exact reality you most fear (e.g. worthlessness) and the exact identity you most don't want to be (e.g. I'm worthless)
  3. Finally and MOST IMPORTANTLY - more than anything else, I can't stress this enough - create a voice recording of new core beliefs, thoughts, ideas that are the exact opposite of the core-thought theme that currently exists in your subconscious mind. These should be highly empowering and positive. Put some spiritual, uplifting music in the background. Listen to it everyday for 100-150 days. FEEL, as best you can, that is is true. Bring the new beliefs/thoughts to life with EMOTION. 

Now I know that Leo has said the subconscious mind both does and does not exist - its highly nuanced depending on your perspective etc. But in this case, lets keep it simple and frame it this way. Try this an experiment. Maybe it will or won't work. Maybe I do have a subconscious mind that harbors beliefs and generates approximately 95% of my actions. Maybe these core beliefs can be changed through constant repetition and emotional involvement. Maybe that will being to effect all my actions that stem from these core beliefs/thoughts. Maybe not. Maybe this is all bullshit. Oh well, my current strategy of not doing this ain't working out anymore. I'm willing to risk 100-150 days for potentially life-changing results. I'll commit and  let the experience be my evidence.

As a highly skeptical and rational person this was extremely important for me to say to myself before I tried this.  

Anyway, at the end of the 150 days I guarantee you that your life will have drastically changed. And not in a yo-yo fashion. Sure there will be ups and downs, moments of fear, moments of extreme resistance to listening to the recording. That's the point. You are literally programming yourself to believe things that empower your spirit - hence, part of your old ego will have to die. But this method means that the death will be permanent and not a frustrating backlash that takes you back to square one (like the experience you're in now). Bear in mind. Missing a day is exactly the thing that will unhinge you. Hence why a voice recording is the a must. Writing it out won't cut it. Affirmations won't either. In a state of extreme resistance, these methods are simply too risky. With a voice recording, you can at least let it do the work. You just do your best to listen and feel the words to be true. Even if it's a shitty, mechanical process sometimes, it's better than skipping days and shooting yourself in the foot. If, with every fiber of your being, you commit to listening to it daily and feeling into it with as much emotion as possible, you are guaranteed to move out of this yo-yo phase forever. Your life will take a certain trajectory far beyond the boundaries and walls that you have repeatedly hit your head upon and made you doubt whether it is even possible to break out beyond them. 

As the new thoughts take root in your subconscious mind, all of your actions will subtly begin to change of their own accord and this will ripple into profound growth and tangible results. This happened for me and it's beyond remarkable. I feel like I have set down concrete love in my soul through this process and my life is more on track across the board than ever before.

Good luck!

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On 12/29/2018 at 4:15 PM, kieranperez said:

They’re divorced since the beginning of 2017. My mom is borderline psychotic and is turning into (I might as well say “is”) a hoarder.

 

Actually I was moved when you said your relationship with your mother is better now. And that you paid attention to her more. 

Because in my religion, a son will be blessed if he take care of his mother till forever. His life will be made easy by God. A son's responsibility is to the mother(and to take care of his female family members).

While a daughter's responsibility is to respect the father. Then when she's married, it will be the husband over the father. But still both, only slightly more. 

 

Anyway, I said this because I see this with my brother...His life was made easy when he's taking care of our mom(In terms of fortune& his works).

 

And btw, why are you still in that house if your father is only belittling you? Leave the house for something(could be learning/work etc) and he will miss you haha. (Not running away haha but find something new that is away from home)

I thought your mother was at home that's why I wouldn't recommend you to stay away from home even if it's toxic to you.

 

I've noticed that you are afraid to step out of your father's limiting belief about you. Trust me that's your only obstacle for now. Try to see past through all those limitations/harsh words your father had been feeding you. Only then you'll be fine. Really.

¬¬

But still, be good to him. Just don't let him limit you haha. Never!

Ok Goodluck~

 

 

 

Edited by Angelite

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@kieranperez Man, I'm so sorry about that living situation: been there. Step one: Get out of that house so you can create your own environment. Even if you have to move to another state, sell your stuff, call on an old lost cousin, hitch hike, use craigslist, etc - GET OUT.  Make it your only priority. It's possible.

I have to commend you for being on this journey with how young you are. I've read your posts and you seem very knowledgeable and thoughtful in regards to the work. I studied similar work when I was in my older teens and young 20's starting at 16 with a book that changed my perspective called Be Here Be Now by Ram Dass. I remember being 20 yrs old in NYC at the time when the towers fell and was reading a book called St. John of the Cross. It's about the decent into darkness prior to enlightenment and I remember thinking "I can't do this. I'm not even close and I don't have the discipline for it". I put it down and haven't touched this work again until now - I'm 37. My ability to understand it is eons above what was previously possible due to age and life experience. Like Leo said, take it easy and have patience, you're further than many others. 

 

 

 

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Btw, my father is the spiritual one in the fam, so I have no problem respecting him.

*in case if anyone misunderstood*

Edited by Angelite

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Sounds like the classic perfectionism trap. The visions and idols are so lofty and fantastical that it is impossible to start small and holding that patience for long time without sidestepping.

This is another downside of too much 'knowledge' and having things 'figured out' in one's mind right from the start. What is there left worth pursuing? 

Wish you good luck brother


''Not this...

Not this...

PLEASE...Not this...''

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37 minutes ago, Preetom said:

Sounds like the classic perfectionism trap. The visions and idols are so lofty and fantastical that it is impossible to start small and holding that patience for long time without sidestepping.

That sidestepping problem is solved by building momentum and streaks. Momentum is very important in bringing out your full potential.

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You sound like me a while back. Trying to do a thousand things at once and racing toward this vision as fast as possible. 

Self love, balance, kindness, going slowly can not be emphasised enough.

whats better? Giving up entirely, or just choosing to do a single thing diligently? 

Give yourself a pat on the back every now and again man. You are a part of a small minority of the world trying to deepen your connection to yourself and the world. It’s a tall order and you’re doing so much better than your mind would lead you to believe. 

As for meditation try getting help from an app. I recommend Brightmind to you. There are meditations on pain and fear that can help a great deal.

a quote for you from Augustus: “make haste! But, do it slowly”.


“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few” 
― Shunryu Suzuki

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Hey man if you live in San Fran you might be having a reaction to the 5g wireless in the area (it is the worst area to live for health) - please look up the mental and emotional effects of cellular radiation and wifi and artificial light exposure to ruin mental function.... its real.... here is a stage yellow doctor who talk about this.....

 

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@kieranperez throw the towel then. an affordable and simple life is at your disposal right now. give up on your goals. give up on making an impact on the world. give up on your relationship with your parents.

at the moment, you're probably the closest one on this forum from knowing what "letting go of the ego" truly means. a flower has nothing to prove... it just can't be something else.


unborn Truth

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10 hours ago, kieranperez said:

I honestly feel like I’m about to throw in the towel. I’m tired of my mind, I’m tired of not knowing what I fucking want out of my damn life even after going through life purpose course multiple times, I’m tired of waking up every single morning not knowing what the fuck I’m doing any of this for and why I should even get up, I’m tired of waking up not having a reason to get up anymore because I have nothing I feel pulled to anymore, I’m tired of not having any direction because I don’t know what I want or know what to do, I’m tired of being the lazy pathetic person I am. I hate my self and I don’t see this getting better. I feel like this whole thing is hopeless. I’m trying SO HARD to be kinder to myself because I don’t know what the fuck to do. I try visualizing what I want, nothing. I try writing, contemplating, asking myself questions, reading biographies and watching videos of people I look up to (Leo, Om Swami, a bunch of other names people on here might not know, blah blah blah) and then I come back to my life, this pathetic stupid thing that I am with poor concentration that complains, is lazy with no work ethic, a ton of psychological trauma and baggage from having a mother who the majority of my teenage years I had to make sure didn’t kill herself, a father whose this secular moralist who debates me and lectures me because to him “debating is (his) UFC sport” and I thought had it all figured out and is just as stupid as everyone else, and a family doesn’t love ME they just love the fantasy they have of me and their identification with me because I’m just their attachment. 

I have absolutely no direction in my life, I have no tangible idea about what I want to do as a life purpose. I may be 23 but I fucking feel like this over. The rubber meets the road now and I feel like I’m SO underprepared for all the variety of both valid and at the same time irrelevant reasons. I’m tired of making excuses and giving reasons as to why my life sucks. I see my life in 20 years working some dead end retail job waking up in tears, not able to look myself in the mirror for how much I’ve wasted my life. 

The people I look up to, I can’t replicate that. I can’t replicate what people like Om Swami did, or Leo, or even lesser known people like Ryōkan or any of the list of people I sometimes talk about on here. I can’t turn inwards like that. Hell, I can’t even figure out the logistics to something like that. I don’t even want to lead people at this point. I don’t want to manage people. I don’t want to preach to people. I don’t want to just start a YouTube channel and be another one of those guys who copy @Leo Gura and ride on the backs of other people. I can’t even sit and meditate anymore (even on my days off from work) because after 5 minutes I feel this sensation of myself crying inside my chest and my mind is just going crazy of all these projections, frustrations, and knowing that this all for nothing and how I’m just wasting my time. I’m terrified to move out from home because once I move out, though I can’t stand who I live with, I live in such an expensive area (San Francisco) with no friends to room with, that’s it. No more help from mom and dad and I gotta pay for everything including the psychological help I desperately need help with which I probably won’t be able to afford, will probably have to work 2 low end jobs to get enough hours which will drain the shit out of me and that’ll be my life and if that’s going to be my life I don’t want be here to go through having to watch my life be pissed away. I’d rather be gone than feel the pain looking myself in the mirror and knowing I pissed this shit away. 

Im sorry for another depressing rant. I’m quite tired of writing these I just have no one to talk to anymore these days and I’m tired of holding this in. Everyday I look at the sky in the distance and at the moon at night and cry because I see much mystery here that I want to discover where all of this came from and I cry because I feel like I’m so polluted psychologically from all the trauma in my life and all the impurities such as judgements, every belief I have, victim mindset, self deception, addictions, ADHD, etc that I’ll never know God. I’ll never know who I am and what my role is in this life. I’ll never know my highest possibilities physically, spiritually, psychologically, intellectually, etc. 

Hey man, i would say sorry to hear about your troubles but in a way i think its potentially a positive thing. So i would say im going through something similar but from a different angle. So i believed in my younger days that 'something' would give me that peace or salvation, i really thought being rich/having a biz, having girls, having respect etc etc, I experienced most of these and probably more to boot. Materially i have nothing to complain about BUT what this made me realise is that literally nothing will give me 'salvation', so i stumbled on spirituality and that offered hope but then again i realised that is similar to money and all the other stuff in that its something to be attained. One of the first things i read on buddishm was that suffering comes from desire, even the desire to be desire-less is itself a desire, so in other words there is no 'hope' .

I think for you, youve basically read the last few chapters and skipped most of the book (im 33 btw) so what this means is that youve realised the meaningless of a lot of things but you still think you can 'achieve' peace of mind, so what it seems is that youre not accepting yourself as you are but what you should be ie no issues with your family, have a life purpose etc. So its not bad where you are but you have to not let the ideas of where you could be stop you from actions. Theres loads of stuff you mentioned that you could just do, move out, get a job (shit or not) and just have these experiences. For the job thing you know youre not going to get sucked into it so just do it, i worked at asda (walmart) for years and eventually something i was working on worked out and i started making money, i hated it but it was a necessary step. So my advice would be just take some action and dont worry about where it will lead too much, just do what feels right in the moment, you havent got anything to lose if what youre doing now isnt working for you anyway

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I agree with what was said previously on this topic.

You are jumping way ahead of yourself. The vision you have is too huge to start implementing. Start with something small and concrete, like finding your own living place.

Also, what you are going through is very important. It is your "Hero's Journey" happening right now at this moment. You see the tough road that lays ahead and it makes you feel like shit. Just keep going despite the challenges, you will emerge a Hero!

Good luck on your journey.


"Beyond fear, destiny awaits" - Dune

 

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@kieranperez finding a new home away from your parents might be the most healthy thing you could do at the moment. solo retreat aside. i’d really prioritize that at the moment, a bird starts to fly by leaving the nest. i have experienced many shared housing situations along the way and can only recommend you trying to find a healthy shared housing - if i wouldn’t have had these, don’t know how i would have survived some situations. 

or why not find a green community for some months somewhere where you can work and live at the same time? i really think you need to be surrounded by loving people!

if i would be your sibling i would tell you: get some distance from our parents asap - they are selfresponsible grown ups, their mess might have become our mess but you need some distance to sort it out for yourself, they won’t, as you can’t change them. don’t feel bad about leaving them in their mess, you are not ignorant about it, thats enough - be egoic for once and survive. 💛 love from your sis in crime

 

wonder if they only accept people from abroad: https://www.workaway.info/hostlist-US.html?region=california

Edited by now is forever

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For the sake of brainstorming ideas, how about taking a spiral approach to break free the rut...seeing what seems to resonate the most.

A basic overview like this.

Stage purple: joining a cult and becoming a devoted fanatic. As one gives up one's life wholeheartedly to the tribe, his own problems eventually evaporate away.

Stage Red: setting up a goal and going all the way on impulse, not regarding conventional logic and knowledge.

Stage blue: making a set of values and principles. Then taking them as absolute truth and following them regardless of the outcome or circumstance. A stoic life where exercising the values and virtues is reward in itself.

Stage orange: "the only obstacle between you and your goal is your excuses and stories"--believing in these alpha mantras and go for the goal. Basically constantly shame, guilt, outcompete yourself...depending on all the negative(inauthentic) and external motivations.

Stage green: relax the ideas about material results. The measuring stick becomes how soft, loving and accepting one becomes to oneself and those around him.

Stage yellow: thoroughly educating oneself about himself...making calculated 5, 10, 15, 20 years plan by regarding oneself as a systemic project..then slowly implementing that plan.

Stage turquoise: leave everything and doing 1-2 years of constant self inquiry until Enlightenment happens and the next chapter gets revealed on its own. 

 


''Not this...

Not this...

PLEASE...Not this...''

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