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why does no one ever talk about this? It comes a point when you deepen the enlightenment so much it becomes hard to function. maybe i am some genetic freak? I started self inquiry 5 months ago. First started getting glimpses 1 month in. Then just cruising in the glimpse 2 months in. But it keeps getting deeper and deeper and deeper. It gets deep to such a point even the desire to speak itself fades. The desire to do a lot of things simply fade!!! This is social suicide. This is i think the 3rd time it happened. the last month or so i kept oscilating between "too much" consiousness and coming back down. I could not believe it possibly could be because of the consciousness work simply because no one ever speaks about it. "You can never have too much oneness" is the general premise. Why isnt this being talked about more?? What am i even experiencing??

In the knowledge of the Atman, which is the dark night to the ignorant, the recollected mind is fully awake and aware. The ignorant are awake in their sense-life, which is darkness to the sage. Bhagavad Gita ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are dreaming that you are unenlightened. You are dreaming that you are awake. The question is: Why? The answer is: Why not? paradox is normal in the sleep state “The ‘I’ casts off the illusion of ‘I’ and yet remains as ‘I’. Such is the paradox of Self-realization. The realized do not see any contradiction in it.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "All paradox lies with the unawakened state. The awakened don’t have something that the unawakened are missing, it’s the other way around. The unawakened possess massive structures of false belief. They create and maintain these vast realms of past, present and future;" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The price of truth is everything. The price of truth is nothing. This is another way of stating the gateless gate paradox. From the unawakened side, the gate blocking one from enlightenment is enormous and impassable. Delusion fills one’s entire field of view because it resides prior to perception. Once delusion has been destroyed, we see that it never really existed." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Die while you’re alive and be absolutely dead. Then do whatever you want: it’s all good. Bunan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The great path has no gates, thousands of roads enter it. When you pass through this gateless gate you walk the universe alone. Mumon ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Because of an innocent misunderstanding you think that you are a human being in the relative world seeking the experience of oneness, but actually you are the One expressing itself as the experience of being a human being.” ? Adyashanti ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I ask you only to stop imagining that you were born, have parents, are a body, will die and so on. Just try, make a beginning – it is not as hard as you think. Nisargadatta Maharaj ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If the eye never sleeps, all dreams will naturally cease. If the mind makes no discriminations, the ten thousand things are as they are, of single essence. To understand the mystery of this One-essence is to be released from all entanglements. When all things are seen equally the timeless Self-essence is reached. No comparisons or analogies are possible in this causeless, relationless state. Sosan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There seem to be two kinds of searchers: those who seek to make their ego something other than it is, i.e. holy, happy, unselfish (as though you could make a fish unfish), and those who understand that all such attempts are just gesticulation and play-acting, that there is only one thing that can be done, which is to disidentify themselves with the ego, by realising its unreality, and by becoming aware of their eternal identity with pure being. Wei Wu Wei ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you're not amazed at how naive you were yesterday, You are standing still. If you're not terrified of the next step, You're eyes are closed. If you're standing still and your eyes are closed, Then you're dreaming that you're awake. A caged bird in a boundless sky. -Jed McKenna ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In all ten directions of the universe, there is only one truth. When we see clearly, the great teachings are the same. What can ever be lost? What can be attained? If we attain something, it was there from the beginning of time. If we lose something, it is hiding somewhere near us. Look: Th is ball in my pocket: can you see how priceless it is? ~Ryokan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue. ~Antisthenes ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Suffering just means you’re having a bad dream. Happiness means you’re having a good dream. Enlightenment means getting out of the dream altogether.” “The point is to wake up, not to earn a Ph.D. In waking up.” “It is your show. It is your universe. There is no one else here, just you, and nothing is being withheld from you. You are completely on your own. Everything is available for direct knowing. No one else has anything you need. No one else can lead you, pull you, push you or carry you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “The bottom line remains the same: you’re either awake or you’re not.One day, there it is. Nothing. No more enemies, no more battles.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “I don’t have something you don’t; you believe something I don’t.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “It’s ego – the false self – that exalts the guru and declares the teaching sacred, but nothing is exalted or sacred, only true or not true.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Enlightenment is the unprogrammed state.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Wake up first. Wake up, and then you can double back and perhaps be of some use to others if you still have the urge. Wake up first, with pure and unapologetic selfishness, or you’re just another shipwreck victim floundering in the ocean and all the compassion in the world is of absolutely no use to the other victims floundering around you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “All fear is ultimately fear of no-self.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “The one and only truth of any person lies like a black hole at their very core, and everything else – EVERYTHING else – is just the rubbish and debris that covers the hole. Of course, to someone who’s just going about their normal human existence undistracted by the larger questions, that rubbish and debris is everything that makes them who they are. But to someone who wants to get to the truth, who they are is what’s in the way. All fear is ultimately fear of this inner black hole, and nothing on this side of that hole is true. The process of achieving enlightenment is about the breaking through the blockage and stepping through the hole.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Maybe you think death is the opposite of life, or that all this death-awareness stuff translates into the end of happiness and good times, but this is not the case. Death isn't morbid, fear is morbid. Death doesn't oppose life, fear opposes life. To close your eyes to death is to close them to life: what could be more morbid than that? From your perspective, death and suicide are horrific and unthinkable. From my perspective, they are empowering and lifeaffirming. and I would look at any person that doesn't have an open, honest relationship with these subjects as themselves nine parts dead.”

Eh you don't need to worry about "siding" with any of them just to talk about them. You can have just one foot in their sandbox, so to speak. The problem is online dynamics make us so uncharitable and everyone is so paranoid about how they are viewed for their positions, it makes us behave in oddly dehumanizing ways. The only way to fix this is regulating the shit out of social media companies, but that's a conversation for another day. I actually think Ben Shapiro is a good person and don't mind listening to an interview of him once in a blue moon, and I'm left leaning/voting on nearly every political issue or topic. He might be a bit too rigid, but I don't think that's a crime that invalidates someone's genuine intentions. Even if the methods are a little dated or seem in opposition to the flavor of the time. Same with Jordan Peterson. People narrowly focus on the politics and cultural games too much and ignore the real world impacts. The guy has probably saved tens of thousands of people from suicide and other kinds of harm. Compared to 99% of people (including Leo), he's practically Gandhi. Maybe it's just me, but I find people pretty easy to read. Even if you don't agree on certain stances, you can sense the direction their intentions are headed. This will be broad > but I think when you are headed in the direction of "Goodness" it's important to make an effort to carry everyone who is also interested in that along, even if their perspectives don't match yours or have inefficiencies. You have to be very careful about what and who you "leave behind", because they will usually come back to bite you in the ass one last time.

Thursday 30/12/2021 12:25 Got back home to the fam Sunday night. Went for a walk on Monday. Didn't go for a walk on Tuesday, and yesterday I woke up very late. Yesterday, my brain fog suddenly lifted when I realised suicide was an option to contemplate. I was writing by hand for the first time in so many weeks. Focused It was odd that that got me into flow, I felt like I was honed in, the lifting of brain fog to find me. What got me into flow was that I felt like I was going the mile I did wake up with a feeling in the heart but it shifts But if the first thing I can say is that I firmly dislike the feeling that's the starting place. I've been too nervous to just say that I dislike it (LIES) I don't think I've ever existed, but the past tells me I do. Others tell me I do. I don't even know or think my experience of self even changed, but my probing of it which has gone on forever continues. I've been this detached way since childhood. Yes, but also no. It's like I'm a floating ghost I know I've had a good life, maybe, it's been just alright. When you hit the wall that you've hit so many times before there's nothing to say. I know by now what circles and motions I've done, so, I could never escape the box. Rather, I know what the problems are by now despite the chaos I regret and feel grief for my life thus far. I was dissociated since Madressa? No not exactly. But I can track what conflicts and unresolved traumas there have been Memories returned but mask off; I feel intolerable malice and envy. I am a bitter person. Above all else though I'm unwell and it's unlikely I'll recover or have something worthwhile. It's like I'm in some torture chamber simulation, "give up n1gger". No, its more like my life in it's entirety is the composition of a retarded koan. Something like Nansen kills the cat My life is something equally absurd and retarded. But I'm still waiting for the punchline, or more like I am the punchline

Oki so I had a really bad dream last night The dream was something like this. There's a murder mystery that involves a father and son. The father is found dead at the shore of a popular beach. Where quite rich people hang out at. This guy had beautiful women who adored him.. Yet none of these girlfriends tried to rescue him or call for help when he was drowning. It's not very clear in the dream whether it was a drowning or a homicide. And the son then commits suicide many many years later out of regret and guilt. The son feels bad that he couldn't be there for his dad or couldn't rescue him. The son hangs himself. The case remains cold for many years and the cause of death is drowning yet its not clear if he was murdered. One of the girlfriends confesses that she knew he was drowning and yet she did not care to get help. So many aspects of this story mirrored some aspects of my life. Like the complex relationship I shared with my own dad, his sweet caring nature, my recklessness as a young kid when he was alive, his death, my inability to grasp and process his death and years of PTSD and survivor's guilt haunting me, feeling regret of not having spent enough time with my dad while he was still living, feeling the burden of being unable to save him and the consequent emotions of suicide and wanting to give up. The dream was kinda prophetic. I mostly likely will never actually kill myself because my dad would have wanted me to live. Yet the guilt of feeling helpless when he died still bothers me a lot and contributes to my suicidal feelings.

I understand what you guys are saying, but then how does one explain what happens to those whose businesses went belly-up or lost it to a big corporation and then end up having their whole lives being completely devastated to the point of either having to go back to being a wage slave for a very low paying salary or end up committing suicide?

I am quite new to spirituality and I honestly don't have much experience on spirituality and meditation.. to give a personal account of what brought me to this place, for the past two years I was struck by an existential crisis as my stage orange / green dominant worldview broke down as I was pursuing personal development. then, I was drawn into new-agey side of personal development and started seeing the subjective nature of reality. with exposure stage green self dev stuff like manifestation , I wondered whether the hard science that I devotedly believed in was actually true? I used to condemn all sorta stuff like energy healing, spiritual stuff and religion as nonsense years ago! but, with directly experiencing various synchronicities and seeing how reality shifts as I change perspective took a massive blow on my materialist paradigm. after vying for answers from reading all the scientific research I consumed, I came to conclusion that there was more than what we perceived to be. that consciousness at least plays some role in reality after reading and applying the works of Maxwell Maltz, Joseph Murphy and many other philosophers. then I began heavily studying about various perspectives. I started learning Buddhism, Christianity , comparative religion ,history . I was seeing how different lives were across the globe ,time and how all this seems to be like a matrix. I was literally groundless and it came to a point where I was LOST! simultaneously, my work life became a mess that I was confused wondering what to do with my life? is life even meaningful? I gave up on my relationships. I was soo hungry for a worldview that I even thought of converting into Christianity and say that it was the ultimate truth. yet, as I tried to reconcile all the aspects of reality upon their teachings and models, they all seemed to fail leading me to depression. as my worldview was collapsed, I started getting intrusive thoughts in my mind . I had thoughts of the most horrible things I could think of like murdering my parents and driving over the pedestrians while driving. I thought of suicide as I did not wish to harm anyone . I was scared whenever I saw sharp objects like knives... I informed my parents and visited a shrink who said I was having depression, anxiety with OCD type intrusive thoughts. I was prescribed anti-depressants . my thoughts became coherent after several weeks of medication. therapist still recommended me to continue medication for another six months after recovery since I was feeling utterly nihilistic. I moved back to my parents and have been dependent on them since then. I quitted my work and decided to get my mind back and the sense of reality. this was when I found actualized.org and nonduality. as I found nonduality as the only way to reconcile and stand my questioning process, I was beginning to accept it as plausible to be the case. .so I spent majority of the day drawing parallels between concepts and questioning them . I had a ton of time for thinking as I was living like a parasite off my parents again. next, I started heavily researching into spirituality and listen to a ton of various teachers of various traditions to make sense of the shit ! I started reading books of Ekchart Tolle and other spiritual teachers for answers. this existential crisis made me to question every damn thing I thought I knew about reality. Everything is useless and meaningless in the grand scheme of things ! TLDR- but, here's my problem, as I began to see that what I call as self itself as an illusion and seeing how ego plays this game, I was beginning to lose myself. I mean, I no longer feel like a person anymore! I don't feel any fear whatsoever! I don't know if something is wrong with me ? I don't see any meaning! I feel super detached from myself to the point I don't care whether I live or not!? I don't feel any desire whatsoever! I used to be one of the most ambitious arrogant guys who had stupendous desires to be the best! now after all, I have no feelings of desire when I see the things I used to cling to! I almost feel like an emotionless zombie as I don't feel the urges of fear , anger, desire resentment ,jealousy. I feel a certain sense of peace though. IS THIS WHAT THEY CALL' BEING ' STATE? also please note that only techniques I used were long hours of contemplation and questioning. my questions are IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? IS THIS NORMAL TO NOT FEEL LIKE A SELF AND TO BE DETACHED FROM MYSELF ? IS MY EMOTIONAL NUMBNESS and LACK OF DESIRE A PROBLEM? what are your advice and what should I do? # thanks in advance!❤?

a suicide attempt, an awakening, a 7 month dark night of pure agony and ending with a soft loving mindblowing change of experience and looking forward to 2022 to see how deep this really goes have a good 1 m8s

The /r/femaledatingstrategy subreddit is full of mentally ill women who hate men, families, and society. They all seem to have some sort of mental health issue and live very bitter lives. Do not take advice from them. https://imgur.com/a/itzqpOf the problem with following their advice is if you are this delusional, sane men will naturally avoid you, and the only men who will stick around will either just be there to use you and split asap, or be very socially unaware, or simply be mentally unhealthy themselves. Generally raising a child without a father is correlated with many negative outcomes. Children raised without fathers are more likely to be abused, become pregnant as a teenager, runaway, commit suicide, wind up in prison, less likely to go to college, among others. Leaving a relationship isn’t necessarily as major a problem, but not having the father in the child’s life or demonizing them to the child is a major problem, generally it should be avoided unless absolutely necessary (father is mentally ill, abusive), in which case effort should be made to compensate it by the mother being extra attentive, the child living with a trustworthy male relative, enrolling the child in scouts or a team sport or something.

I used to experience extreme fear around my mom. To the point that at age 18, I wanted to commit suicide. My first suicide attempt was at 14. My mom grabbed my hair, pulled my hair. I ran towards the phone to call my dad to inform him that she is beating me When I grabbed the phone before I could whisper "hello," she yanked the phone out of my hand, pushed me to the floor and then I ran towards the door. I was fearing for my life. I thought my life was over. I opened the door, and she pushed me out and shut the door. Then she yelled loudly that she will never open the door. I felt extremely terrified. I wasn't able to process anything. I had no money I had no shoes. Just my clothes. I went barefoot. I kept walking towards a church. I sat there on the porch of the church and I kept crying for hours. I thought I was homeless. It felt empty, abandoned. I was sitting there for 4 hours crying, feeling terrified of going back home. I wanted to commit suicide. I felt tempted to jump from a bridge But some stranger told me it's not allowed. He told me that he would call the police. So I kept walking. It was evening. I had barely eaten anything. I was hungry and barefoot in scorching sun Then I suddenly heard a screech. It was my sibling I still have no idea how they got there. They asked me - "what the hell are you doing here?" I said —" mom pushed me out, hit me and told me to never come back." My sibling told me to go home as soon as possible I went home. And that day any feeling of trust I had with my mother was lost forever.

Oki I'll leave the thread now because I got other stuff to do. If anyone interested can simply mention themselves here and I will check back and message them later. By anyone I mean someone who knows a thing or two about depression, suicide, anxiety, PTSD, trauma and has enough time. Thanks for stopping and looking.

There is no solution to my hopeless problem. The only solution would be suicide, but it's not yet time for that, I don't want to hurt my parents, and I'm also still too chicken to kill myself. I don't want friends, and I hate my family. I don't think anyone would like my parents. My mom is completely crazy with her conspiracy theories etc. which she is constantly trying to convince me of.

Karma is just some shit you have heard and read about. At the end of the day, the only rational reason to not committ suicide is that it would hurt others.

Yeah, I mean a lot of cases can be thought about to illustrate why these theories might seem somewhat unfair. For instance, what about someone who'd give up on life after a car accident, after witnessing their whole family die before their eyes? Perhaps they could have fought harder for their life, had quite an okay chance to make it, but just decide not to keep trying to live. Is it some form of suicide? "Weakness" of character? Bad combination of physically objective and subjective circumstances? Is it really that bad to decide to leave, in such circumstances? Wouldn't it have killed most humans put externally in the same circumstances? Potentially even spiritual masters? Somehow, it seems to be also the case with young girls killing themselves. I've got the chills thinking of someone like Amanda Todd and accepting throughout whatever theory she's got karma to expurgate somewhere in limbo, after obviously she died from life challenges and circumstances exceeding from far what most teenagers are equipped to deal with. What happened to her was enough of a hell. Assuming cosmic justice needs now for her to rot in hell for taking her life feels wrong AF . Karma really puzzles me too. It's really a though piece!

@Etherial Cat Good points. Death is complicated. There's a lot going on there with it. I don't think people like that accrue karma either. I think it has to do with emotional state, how you 'let go'. Also if there is more you needed to do, then karma will still be there imo. But someone dying of terminal illness is probably in a different category of karma than say, a young girl who commits suicide because of bullying, or something. There's probably beings who oversee this sort of thing and can sort people with the utmost fairness. A person who is terminal might be ready to let go after a lot of contemplation and will not have karma because of how they approach death openly. They might be at peace and then move onto higher places. I think karma is something the individual knows best as well, where they need to work on or if they are truly ready to leave. We can only speculate, but I have a feeling it is also ultra personal and so impossible to categorize too much on how karma works. I've been reading a lot about the wheel ? though, and how it sorts people for the next life. Like cogs and gears we have free will to open just through self development, more and more is permitted by unlocking reality. I'll bet the process is mechanical and perfect.

There are various interpretation about what happens when one dies, let alone with suicide. I'll just say that it is quite common to more or less decide to go, especially when you are old and the end is near. Sometimes, the frontier between suicide and a natural death isn't so easy to distinguish. An exemple is when you've got a degenerative terminal illness and you decide to stop it there before it turns you into a legume. My country has one of the most liberal practices when it comes to end of life, and it doesn't seem correct to assume all people who decide on when and how to end their lives are necessarily creating dense karma for themselves.

I can also see how perhabs initially there would be relief but then (shame) and regret would take over because the "job" was not finished at all. This is purely thought since Life can get so fucking miserable that a way out would be nice but suicide does not seem to provide such an escape

@Pavement Yea Indian women suicide rates are sky high. I read lt all the time. That's because the culture here (in my country I mean) is extremely harsh towards women. Every day I read about several women committing suicide in the newspaper. Unmarried women are generally happier. Its the married women who jump off because of harassment, abuse from husband or in laws being the most common reason for it. Indian women are treated worse than dogs in America. That's why girls are scared of marriage. They are happy being single. Marriage for most Indian women is like a death trap. I wasn't ready to marry either. I used to tell my mom that I don't wish to marry (in the future) even when I was barely 14 years old. Because I used to read horror stories in the newspaper about women who used to jump in front of a train after being abused by their husbands. That's a part of Generational trauma, a patriarchy that is extremely cruel to women, it's nothing like western patriarchy. India has a very long history of abusing its women in the most vicious ways. Neither am I playing victim nor am I exaggerating. If you hear or read some of the stuff, it will literally send shivers down your spine. I don't even want to go too deep into it. The land has innocent woman's blood on it. Enough said.

I do predict that in the future, as society becomes more progressive, one of the things which will change is our attitudes towards life and suicide. My prediction is that suicide is going to change from something that no one should ever do, to something that is normal and option, with services to assist in this. This is not that radical of an idea, the Japanese have had cultural suicides in their history.

Suicide is not what's it's cracked up to be. Not a problem solver, just another set of problems you have to deal with. Read the following: The Morning After I Killed Myself | A Poem by Meggie Royer Posted at 13:26h in Awareness by elliesbus2 0 Com by Meggie Royer The morning after I killed myself, I woke up. I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels. The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed. The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine. The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication. The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother. The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach. The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

About half of all posters go through bouts of blatant psychosis, and are told to do some useless meditations... One dude was arrested by cops flailing around on the floor because of "God" and put in an asylum. I'm not really sure why Connor Murphy was criticized considering by the looks of things, basically the entire userbase is in the same headspace. Leo is never psychotic but likes to stick to an ultimate truth. If someone commits or wants to commit suicide, for Leo it means nothing because death isn't real. But obviously he can't say this outright.

‘Blocking’ isn’t in question here, it’s just matter of points & adhering to the guidelines. I agree, it seems like a ‘cry for help’. I offered help in the form of info & resources. Talking with someone was included & mentioned. Perhaps ‘such as a therapist and or psychiatrist’ would have been clearer and I appreciate that. I do feel trying that would be ideal, and also see it doesn’t ‘work’ for everyone. In a ‘cry for help’, also, just talking with a friend or family member can be very helpful. Not instead of someone else, in addition to. I posted in response to your post, after posting to the op, or, matter at hand. If helping people, offering resources, being someone someone can talk with, all oriented to ending suffering including psychosis, and actualizing communion with our source in peoples’ life is narcissistic, more please. And I have worked with and helped more people out of suicide ideation that I can even count or remember. Someone committing suicide is as much my responsibility and within my power as someone calling me fuck face. Also, I actually do appreciate & cherish feedback. I find it most helpful. In the future, please don’t even allude, just straight up call me out on any horsehittery. But also, in all fairness, try in direct experience what I suggest first. Then the feedback is constructive, helpful. I make changes all the time to those resources from the most precious feedback I receive, both above & below, so to speak.

U can block me I rarely post. This thread just seemed like a cry for help and the responses were appalling (to me). Esp in the context that someone from this site committed suicide. That’s all. My apologies for calling you that. But I don’t know why u would post to address me, and not the matter at hand. I should have just alluded to your narcissism more politely.

I have never been able to process my father's death properly ever since he died. I was just a teen and I felt extremely traumatized seeing his corpse. It was cold to touch. I placed my hand into his hand and slightly lifted his light dead cold hand. It was light as a feather. There was no pulse and his hand was cold. I couldn't understand what was happening. It was an alien experience. I had never experienced a death before. I avoided looking into his eyes because there was something weird there as though his eyes were rolled into the back of his head, something like his eyes going up. The room was very cold I remember very vividly. My suicide attempt was 2 months after his death. His memories would constantly haunt me. I had numbed the pain of his death in extreme workaholism, studies and other stuff. Then came a day in 2017 when I was feeling very grumpy and constantly overwhelmed and tired. I was feeling empty and stressed. I hadn't realized that I was already suffering depression.. That day I decided to pursue shadow work. I kept asking myself a lot of questions. I kept digging deeper into the reasons behind this empty feeling. And then for the next whole week I kept throwing up both physically and emotionally. It would come to the surface, I would keep talking to myself in my room. I would keep blurting out things that were hurting me. My traumatic memories that were hidden for so long came up over and over and over. I just couldn't stop crying. I would cry for hours with a knife in my hand. And that's when I knew what had happened. I couldn't let my father go. I did not want him to leave me so early. I could not process the pain of a disastrous marriage between my dad and mom. All of it had taken an emotional toll on my health. All my childhood memories of my mom fighting with my dad suddenly came like a flashback. I used to feel helpless watching my dad. He was internally moaning in pain. My mother had inflicted deep psychological and emotional wounds on our whole family. She was unempathetic and disgusting. All the events that led up to his death began to play in rapid succession in my head. I realized that he could have lived longer had he divorced my mother who was being a bitch to him. I wanted to fucking kill her in that moment. He had succumbed to his terrible circumstances and I had been completely helpless in doing anything to save him. The tragic memories of my cat came back. I had been unable to save her from being murdered. I began to feel survivor's guilt. I realized where the source of my inner conflict and pain was coming from. It was the cat. It was my dad. Both left me and I felt helpless in saving them. It haunted me for years after they were gone. I think i blamed myself in the most cruel manner. I felt like I was responsible for whatever happened to my dad. I felt like I could have stood up to my mom and possibly punched her and stopped her from ruining my dad. But I was scared of her. I was scared of her violence. She was/is very bossy. It was simply impossible to meet her in the eye. Her face is very threatening to look at especially when she knows I'm not okay with her. She would follow me around like a stalker. Everything had to be done with her permission. She would hit me on the head if I didn't follow her orders. She would grab things out of my hands and throw it on the floor. She would watch me cry and then go watch TV. She would force my dad to eat bad food that would make him vomit. She was a tyrant to him. I felt sorry for him all the time. Because of the way she would treat him Sometimes I would try to stop her and yell at her to stop forcing my dad. But most of the time I felt helpless and alone and unable to cope. I was scared of her violence. I was scared of her over imposing personality. She was/is an extrovert. She would talk to the whole neighborhood. I used to feel anxious and shy and she would force me to dress up. She was extremely pushy to the point that my anxiety kept getting worse. She felt like she was protecting me but in reality her terrible actions and behaviors were doing more harm than good. I needed gentleness and compassion, not marching orders, threats, blackmail, domination, pushing, constant surveillance, nitpicking, constant feeling of being judged, criticized, observed, picked on. She just wouldn't sit in a place. She would hover over and around me like an OCD helicopter. It began to stress me out. She would take her motherhood role a little too seriously and her sense of entitlement as a mother was unbelievably ridiculous. She would even say that as a mother she could do anything she wanted. It was as if she had ultimate authority and control. One of the reasons why I'll hate the word "mother" for the rest of my life. She created an intense shadow in me about the nature of motherhood. There were times I remember that I would constantly watch over my back just to see if she was there or not, everything was anxiety, everything was pleasing mom, everything was fearing mom, I still remember how she would look at me, her demonic stare as though she will kill me if I failed to impress her. I began to distance myself from my mom around the age of 13. I could not stand her overbearing nature. She was acting less like a mom and more like a boss. I turned into a typical rebellious teenager with a bit more rebellion than you see in other teens. I became ferocious. Everytime she tried to dominate me I would fly in rage. I was calm but her toxic behavior would put me in a permanent state of anger and upset. There was absolutely no mental peace around her whatsoever. She would constantly provoke me to the point of suicide. I would tell her to stop and leave me alone but she would stay silent for a few days and then be back at it again. She had made it her mission to give me maximum distress. I was fed up, scared, frightened, tensed, anxious, upset, pressured, pushed, guilted, gaslighted, coaxed, coerced, hit, beaten, abused, punished. If I didn't give her what she wanted, it was time for punishment. I would be brutally punished and harrowed for not giving her what she wanted. I did not feel like a daughter but more like a slave. She would try her maximum to control my every move. One of the reasons why I deeply deeply resent any form of authority or authoritarian behavior is my strong resistance to her enslaving authority. Who the hell was she to decide things for me???? I used to look at her grumpily. I began to resent her and her authority. The more she tried to control me the more I rebelled. It was a vicious loop.. I was ready to die but not ready to listen to her. I wasn't going to be her slave. Even if it meant I had to give up my life. Her constant intrusion in my life made me even more aggressive and defensive. The only way to survive around her was to be aggressively defend myself. She effectively turned me into a wild animal. She raised me into a psychopath. She raised me into an angry aggressive defensive bull. Any time someone suggested me something or told me to do something or decided things for me, it would arouse me to anger, upset, fury because it would remind me of her authoritarian nature. I would fight back hard viciously and lash out. It was either my freedom or my death. I slowly turned from a peaceful into an angry person. This was just the beginning. It was my rage fuelled teen years It wasn't going to end there. After my father's passing, my anger reached its peak point. Now my anger had turned murderous. My psychopathy was in full force. How the fuck can my dad die like that? I wanted to go on a rampage. I wanted to take out my anger on the world. It was me against the world. I could not deal with the pain of my dad's death. I made a firm resolve that I will never let myself die the way he did. I felt on multiple occasions to murder my mother. I wanted revenge. She could sense that I had begun to hate her even more. It was over. My father's death had effectively brought any hopes of reconciliation with my mom to an end. My brain had processed her as the biggest threat to my life from then on.

My policy is that if you can't take it, then don't dish it out. If you feel hurt or upset by me. I also feel upset by something that you must have done. Don't be so selfish. If you want me to show compassion to you, show compassion to me as well. I feel hurt as well. But nobody gives a Damn about it. Usually I'm slapped with some gaslighting whenever I request to be understood. The problem is people only focus on me. Almost like tunnel vision. If you focus on the whole situation from above, you'll realize that I'm least interested in drama. I try to avoid and keep away as much as possible. I can't be super friendly with people because of my anxious personality. Does this make me a bad person? I generally never have bad intentions towards anyone I just feel anxious and in general a bit suspicious. Isn't it natural to feel suspicious around people if your trust has been broken like a gazillion times in the past??? I have been punished brutally in my life for trusting people. Maybe sit in my shoes some day before judging me so harshly. And if you don't like me, why bother at all? I generally try to create peace unless someone is throwing a stone at my house. Then I throw it back. Yes I'm defensive. It's my trauma that causes me to act extremely defensive and I build walls around myself and subconsciously push people away. Why not? My biggest hurt in life came directly from people. Whether it was family, friends or ex lovers. People that I didn't sign up to be with but they existed in my life anyway. You can say I have/had a choice. Well... A person of limited resources doesn't really have much of a choice. People manipulated me on several occasions. They backstabbed me. I felt betrayed as well. It's not like I was treated with a bed of roses. So when you judge how I react to you also judge how you treat me. You reap what you sow I'm almost like a mirror. I reflect back to you your own attitude towards me. You look at me with indifference and hostility, then don't expect me to look at you with awe or gentleness. Give me what i deserve and I'll be equally fair with you. I'm no Saint. I try to be on my best behavior most of the time. But it's hard to be on my best behavior with a backdrop of trauma, severe anxiety, PTSD, violence from my mother, childhood abuse, a murdered pet at the age of just 14, a broken dysfunctional home, loneliness, death of my father during my juvenile years, knowing that my mother and sibling caused my father's death and realizing this later after many years during trauma therapy, having medical issues because of my mother's neglect, being intensely bullied and microscopically observed by people meanwhile feeling shy, reserved and socially awkward and anxious around people, being through 3 abusive relationships back to back because of lack of family support, people being intrusive about my life all the time, not to mention my own hypersensitive personality, I'm an HSP (hypersensitive person), a former epilepsy sufferer (I suffered epilepsy during my juvenile years), having born malnourished and underweight in a third world country that treats women like shit, having born premature (I was kept in ICU immediately after birth due to my premature birth), having a disability while walking (I can't walk for long) Generational trauma of my mother and grandmother (my mother forced to marry my dad when she was only 20, a forced arrange marriage, her family basically told her - either marry this guy or commit suicide she wanted to be a school teacher but they thought a woman shouldn't be so ambitious so they stopped her from attending teacher training, my grandmother was married off at the age of 8, obviously without her consent to a much older man, my grandfather in a fucked up Indian culture of the 1960s) being viciously bullied by my bipolar mother all my childhood and being called a loser by her almost everyday (daily physical and verbal abuse, she was a narcissist who wanted a perfect child and not a disabled weak child like me), being called a loser despite having scored A grades in every subject and topping every class consecutively for 5 years in high school, completing my MBA in Finance (masters in business administration) with great difficulty because of my social anxiety, with the best grades and then struggling with my first job due to my social anxiety and workplace harassment, facing regular and daily sexual harassment in buses and public transport (India is notorious for sexual groping/harassment especially in public transport), managing a very pathetic job (too much job stress) alongside relationships with abusive boyfriends, overcoming all of this and finally landing in one piece in my final version that you see me now. Isn't this too much to go through for a young girl/woman born into poverty and problems? Isn't this already massively fucked up? And then when people judge me, it hurts a lot. You still judge me and my behavior? <I'm not asking to be exempt from judgement, but try to have a scintilla of understanding into who you're dealing with when you are dealing with me. Who? Did you ever try to understand me even in the slightest? If you really think I'm fucked up, are you actually surprised that I turned out this way?? I still try my hardest to maintain my sanity given my horrible past. I'm not living in a mental asylum(not that there is anything inherently wrong with it) . I did not harm or kill or murder anyone. Not saying that I'm a Saint, just saying that I haven't done the most horrible things to be judged so brutally to the point of annihilation. If my anger and lashing out hurts you, why bother to deal with me? You show compassion for Hitler. But can't show compassion to me? Where is my empathy, where is my compassion? I'm not asking this in a selfish way, just trying to make everything fair on both ends. Because it isn't fair to attack me and judge me when I don't do the same to you. Not fair to start fights with me and expect me to simply put up with it. Not fair to signal things in my direction (not like i don't notice it), and then expect me to be completely silent when all the gossip around me simply goes on and on. If you can't show compassion to me, then fine, it doesn't matter and I don't beg for it, but I do feel hurt and wounded when you say things on the sly. I don't need anymore judgement, in fact people who judge others so brutally are blind to their own ways of gaslighting others. You calling something right doesn't make it right, you calling something wrong doesn't make it wrong. This entitled attitude is a product of your own projection. Not that I'm not guilty of projecting myself, yet I have never chosen to carry a feud endlessly and keep bickering and nitpicking at someone at every opportunity and constantly portraying them in a bad light with negative accusatory false assumptions on their character, almost like a constant smear campaign. If you think that someone is a bad person in your eyes, is it really necessary for you to keep shouting your judgemental opinion(about that person) from the rooftops on the regular? Where's the decency in giving other's space to be themselves? Where is public civility? Why keep hammering your negative opinion of someone you don't like and keep announcing your dislike for them openly and publicly for everyone to see(what are you achieving other than triggering) , basically engaging in smearing them day to day (and you don't think this is bullying, no matter however mild, it still hurts and it still accumulates over time, nobody likes to be judged for the record and at least not in an incessant manner, it's low quality and hurtful behavior period, let's call it for what it is, Salacious gossip is not exactly a great experience ), what makes you think you're justified in constantly and publicly smearing others with your holier than thou attitude, aren't you targeting someone to make yourself feel superior or better, I have no problem if you simply state that you are a great person, I have no reason to see objection with that, yet that's not the case here, you're acting superior at the expense of someone else's humiliation and put down. You're basically putting me down, putting down my character and dignity, I am not the best person in the world (neither did I claim to be), but I deserve to not be smeared just like anyone else. I deserve to not be judged just like anyone else. Am I judging you? Absolutely no. I'm simply minding my own business. Do you like it if someone said bad things about you to others? What if someone called you a liar even when you didn't lie? It does hurt when someone says something about you to others that's not true however mild it might appear. It's basically slander, gossip and smearing, why make it personal to begin with? Why the need to make someone look bad in the name of truth - ism? And if you really want to engage in such slander and smearing, why do you think that it would be without consequences. What makes you think you have the right to judge and proclaim such judgement openly and publicly to others. What if I went around and told people that you're the biggest scammer out there? Or even indirectly hinted at it? Would you enjoy such a comment about yourself? Then why write things about me and get a pass? If I can't get pass saying slanderous stuff about you, why should you either? I don't have the right or necessity to engage in drama if that drama doesn't involve my name in it. I tend to avoid mostly. Things only become personal when you make them personal. When did taking jabs at someone's personality become a publicly accepted civil behavior? Then why shouldn't we simply start taking jabs at one another and start a shitshow already, since it doesn't hurt right? You know why you enjoy this behavior? Because the majority is against me, so ganging up on me seems fun. Yet if you were at the center of being targeted brutally publicly and everyone is putting you down, taking jabs at you and making you feel small and unwanted, unworthy and demeaning, smearing your character and constantly taking shots at you in the name of criticism and you are defending yourself against a deluge of attacks from a hundred people who are hell bent on deciding your character for you, I don't think it's going to be a pleasurable experience exactly. I am not attacking your character, am I? Then why should such attacking be justified in my direction either? Are you super duper clean? I'm not pointing your flaws because it don't consider it good public policy to tell a person their flaws publicly, essentially making that person a vulnerable target for others to attack and hate. How exactly are you spreading love by demonizing other's character when you would be offended if someone said the same about you? What makes you such an efficient judge of character that you think going around telling others how they are so flawed is automatically the most accurate assessment of their personality? When did you get the right to determine that you could even walk up to someone and tell them an opinion you have of them and shove it down their throat and expect that they shouldn't feel violated? Yes I have negative opinions on several people too. But I don't go around telling them what I don't like about them. Where is individual liberty and dignity? Or do we simply get to destroy other's dignity and character at will? Even if a 100 people determined that a person is a pedophile, does it really mean that that person is a pedophile. Does public opinion make everything true? How can anyone be so sure that those 100 people aren't haters or people who simply love salacious gossip and slander. How fair is it to make someone an object of your public judgement, simply because they don't have many people to speak in their defense and reduce their character to something undesirable simply because you have the opportunity to do so? What if you were talked about in similar ways by many people? Would you feel accepted in such a community? Would you feel loved and honored or would you feel demoralized, degraded and dejected at being judged brutally? ... There is a fine line between criticism and smearing. It's hard to navigate but the best public policy is to just avoid judging when it's only going to create more pain, hurt and frustration.