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What the "bottom" or Absolute is, is pretty clearly defined. Absolute Reality itself, with the potential to switch off the show, and still be there. That you and everbody can potentially realize, because you are it. Then you can have for sure many many understandings on how the whole show works, how Reality/God works, how this and any other dimension works, on what God/Reality can do, ... , n+1. Which you can go on exploring when you are either a) fully resting in your True Being also in daily life, having no filters/lenses/not transcended separate self elements not already seen though, and having cut off suffering and getting bliss directly from the Source. The last "filter/separate self-element" by the way is "a" fully empty nothing (not Nothingness), "watching" the Infinity, "being aware" of it, but not fully being it at the core: A transparent feeling of Individuality (which already has no form, is empty, you are already nothing you can point to at this stage), the last remnants of it, already nondual and the visual field fully mere appearance. But that last filter-elements is precicly what prevents getting the "thing" stable in daily life. And I bet an experience of the nondual field, or even of the Infinite Godhead, is "coloured" and experienced through that last very subtle filter. b) go on exploring having had experiences of the Absolute, and still some filters/lenses/not transcended separate self elements intact (in these experiences) and of course also in daily life, where exactly these filters/lenses/not transcended separate self element prevent: 1) realizing the Absolute without a bias (that is when the Absolute gets more properties than it really has. Because any property would limit it. Nothingness Halaw-style) 2) more important: not being able to be the nondual/groundless/mere appearing reality in everday life, and of course not getting the flow of bliss from "there" which then replaces the suffering of the separate self elements. These last filters/building blocks of the separate self are very subtle, very tricks, extremely fast occuring. You need to be very fast in spotting them, and letting them flow through you and not watching through these filteres/lenses, and you need to be very familiar with them. I am convinced, that most people need hundreds of hours (at that phase already off the pillow in daily life) to get familiar and fast enough to let these lenses/filters of the last separate self building blocks flow through them (similiar to any other object) , and not look through them as lense/filter. If you look through them, it kills the state of nonduality and the world being a dreamlike mere appearance mirage, floating in groundless Nothingness (These states by the way is what you also can get with Psychedelics). If you transcend these separate-self-building blocks/filters/lenses/contractions(!), probably the endogenous DMT-System of the body starts producing some kind of Endo-Huasca cocktail, see the fascinating research of https://dmtquest.org/questions-for-the-lion-tamer-1/ , especially chapter Chapter 24 – Endohuasca Magic. Your own illegal psychedelics factory in your body . Shortform of the above: a) Fully realize your True Nature (indicator: no more suffering-cycles in daily life) and then go exploring/understanding the manifestation and manifestation mechanism of reality and Reality or b) go exploring before the bliss of a) is in place. Both paths are valid, path b) can lead to path a) and non-suffering in daily life if done correctly (maybe with a bit meditation of the efficient variety added). Of course, the path a)-variety of ~98%+ of the Spiritual Marketplace doesn't work. I can fully understand Leos dislike of selling the weak soup of just No-Ego/No-Person or an "Enlightened Person (cringe) having Nonduality and perceiving themselves to be that", but that is another topic.... I have never questioned path b). I just question giving path b) a higher value and meaning than path a). For me, that is a bit like voluntarily hitting your knee with a hammer, and calling that superior than hitting the nail, and repeating it. Sorry, love ya all.... ( : I only wonder why anybody would call path b) with suffering "higher", and all paths a) "crap" and inferior. The state-highs and wonderful experiences delivered by understanding reality/God in my opinion only ease the pain of the remaining separate self suffering cycles. Yet, these Insights/Understanding-experiences are for sure truly wonderful and marvelous, probably the most beautiful experiences one can have, savored by highly developed souls which are attracted by such sublime experiences/understandings. But still: Caveat Emptor. But hey, what do I know? NOTHING . On good days a bit of NOTHINGNESS . And "I" love it, and IT loves me. . And I am fully open on the understanding and exploring of path b). Fully. Let's see what kind of alien stuff the brave and ingenious psychonauts drag home. I really look forward and am very curious. Selling Water by the River PS: Please don't beat me with the Broomstick . But I would be really curious on a substantial feedback from Leo. Thanks!

Last night was great… I think I took close to an hour of a full body massage, I did some stretching, and some circular motions in my hips and my head. My body was buzzing and I was so relaxed… maybe I am trying to build a relationship with my body more. Lol… I feel like if I’m going to seduce myself I have to work my body and mind to trust each other for some reason… lol… help them get into the same state before moving forward. I know there’s a connection to be found. It was around 4am and laying there very comfortably, but I have my mind going. I thought maybe this would be a good time to try something… but I know I revert to my go-to technique. It feels good but I know it’s just a quick pick me up. I wasn’t really prepared to spend a lot of time. I’m also finishing my moon time of the month… so outside rocking pressure feels good and I also know it helps relax me enough to sleep… lol… and sure enough I fell right to sleep afterwards. So I feel like I should look at my habits and what can I change. First of all… I don’t do a full body massage often, but damn it did feel really good… having a body buzz from massaging can definitely be incorporated more. I’m afraid that maybe I have used my tried method as attempts to go to sleep more than exciting myself. This tried method has been the first way I found enjoyment touching myself. I haven’t been creative in this area. I have my clothes on and how I position my hands to create pressure and I also use my legs to add leverage and additional pressure. I think with this technique it made it easy for me to only do it quickly and then move on. So I’m not sure how to take my time into it. There has been a few times where I’ve tried to put music on with candles… and add oils but I still felt I was taking way too long, so I’d give up. I know I’m different from who I was when I tried these so I can give them another chance. But is there away that my expectations in a partner is what I’m placing on myself too? Lol.. I’m not sure how to explain it… I never really wanted my partners to see my as just an object to have sex with. I want a relationship to be built and maybe that’s what happens when I try to masturbate? Does my mind think I’m objectifying myself? Possibly… I’m not sure… lol… I have had these mind/body battles when it comes to sexuality before. Lol… I remember I was one year into my celibacy and I found myself with a guy I really enjoyed conversations with. He was so fun and he was handsome. We had known each other for about six months… and he never approached me sexually. But we found ourselves one night interested in mutual play. I felt like I had two split personalities going on at the same time. My body was like.. holy shit… it’s about time… And my mind was like… holy shit… don’t do this to yourself or him… you’re not ready and you don’t want to do this with him. I know we were escalating and again I found myself wanting to just lose control… I remember I was talking dirty to him… I told him I want to fuck his face… lol… and he was all about it! But literally I was in a battle… telling him I’m sorry I can’t keep doing this. I’m not ready. He was such a gentleman and once he realized I pulled the breaks he did too. We were able to talk about it and he laughed because he hadn’t had a girl talk to him like that. He really wanted to see what I wanted to do with his face… I could laugh with him but I told him I had to be honest I know I’m not ready and I shouldn’t have put him in that situation. He knew I was in process of trying to see if celibacy is going to be helpful for me and it had been a year and I about lost control. I knew I would’ve regretted it. We continued to enjoy the rest of the night and held each other while we slept. Four years later… he travels a lot and we hardly speak but we still see what kind of adventure and projects we’re interested in at the time, and give each other support when needed. He’s a very fascinating man! I felt bad that I put him in that situation and I knew I didn’t want to put anyone else in that situations so being more communicative from that point forward was apparent for me. And I was able to create those boundaries up front. Since then I’ve kissed two other men but again… when we were in ceremony and I had to go through the entire explanation that I think they are great guys and I enjoy their company, but I only want to be friends with them and that we can share this experience but please don’t expect another time to come along. I knew I really didn’t want to do it, but I also knew I was in control where I wasn’t going to let it go further then I wanted. And it’s a harmless kiss… but damn… kisses are extremely sexy and intimate and playful and for me very erotic. Damn it… I know that lesson was for me to experience as well as them. Those guys are still good friends but it’s never been an issue since. It hasn’t been brought up. When I was an exotic dancer for what six weeks it was a high concentration of sexual experiences… and it was very informative for me. Like I’ve mentioned I confirmed that I’m still a sexual being who liked to be attractive and I enjoyed pleasing others and that’s just as arousing in fact more arousing then pleasing myself. It was different then… everyone was consensual. Well everyone except for one man I was doing a private dance with. He penetrated my anus with his fingers and I did not want to do that with him. I stopped him and then quit the private dance. He paid me for it, but I didn’t care if he paid me or not. I did not want that to happen so I purchased butt plugs with jewels on the end so that won’t happen again. One of the clubs, the girls were upset with me thinking I was trying to stand out… and I said I just don’t want anything to be done to me without consent. They still suggested I shouldn’t wear them and they also didn’t like it when I didn’t have a set amount of dances in the private rooms and I liked to see where it led without putting a time limit on it… lol… so I stopped working there… but I was about to leave anyway. But 99% it was consensual and that was really good for me. I was able to play with people who wanted to play with me, but there wasn’t an expectation of going further. I even thought this would be a great place to learn about sexuality if money wasn’t involved. I had met people in the kink scene and i loved listening to their stories and how open-minded they were and the assumptions is no pressure, pure curiosity, consensual from all parties. I hadn’t been to an event, but I did find it interesting. Maybe that’s what I was hoping for when it came to a strip club… if money wasn’t involved it would be a kink party? I don’t know. But I do know I love outer play? I don’t know if that’s a thing.. but when clothes are on it’s fun to tease and excite without actually being involved with the skin directly. I had my first experiences with being intimate with women. And I really enjoyed it. They are so vocal… lol… you knew when you were doing things they enjoyed. And they’re really slow and soft too. I did kiss two women while in private rooms with their partners. And it makes sense now, but it was surprising when I did it for the first time. I’m not interested in having sex with a woman…at least right now I’m not… maybe if i had a strap-on… lol… but that’s more curiosity of possibly feeling how a man feels when they are penetrating. I’m guessing it wont be the same… but anyway.. i enjoy playing with women though… when they have their clothes on and i get to tease and excite them was very satisfying to me.. but i never had the thought i wish I could strip them down and do more. Now men on the other hand… that can definitely cross my mind… when I’m having a good time and i feel the hardness of his cock… ummm huge excitement of… let me take him for a ride…lol but again I realized those were very fleeting and superficial… in my opinion. I guess where I’m leading up to is this dieta where I was not only going to go through the beginning of threshold transformation of awakening but also the sexual lessons I was experience. I’ve been going back and forth whether to give details or not, but I think I’ve made the decision that it’s a lot more healing to go through the details to purge it out. And I guess I’m ready to do that now. I’m not sure where I had left off, but I remember I was saying how I was frustrated on the attempts of my shaman asking to have sex with him… repetitively because he continued to ask even when I said I was not interested in him in that way. I’m not trying to make him out as the bad guy… and I’m not trying to make myself as the bad guy. I know I said we were the perfect pair to help each other out of our shadows of sexuality. I also said… if we don’t have specific techniques to deal with the shadows… existence knows I want to learn and overcome these shadows so it will find a way to teach me… and it’s not normally what I would have chosen. But the choices I was choosing wasn’t as affective as the blunt way existence and ceremony can do. So I’m not sure if everyone has heard about dying to pass the threshold towards awakening… I had heard it from Leo, but again I didn’t know what that meant… and to be honest that didn’t even come into my memory at first. But there was a ceremony where I thought I was going to die. My shaman had used the words “tu necesito passé.” He has to try to speak to me for me to understand… I knew I needed to do something… but the word passé was messing with me… I needed to pass? In my ceremony I was laying there and i kept repeating i need to pass… and I even found myself holding my breath… I was like oh shit… does he mean I have to die? Does he help people passover in tho the afterlife? I thought well maybe that is what he does… I was the hospice nurse of my grandparents and it was like I was helping them prepare and be comfortable as much as they could be before they took their last breaths. I witnessed my grandmother’s last breath. I know not a whole lot of people would like to be in that position, but I found it an honor to be involved in that time with them. I was so grateful for them and I thought this would be the least I could do… was to take care of them when it was their last moments in these bodies and in this reality. So… yeah maybe that’s what’s going on with me now. I’m going to leave this existence. During ceremony is was not scary… I was not afraid. In fact there was a part of me wanting to die. I continued to lay there and I just kept thinking shit I came here to die… so I started listening all the things I’m not going to be able to do or see or feel again. Pretty basic stuff of not seeing my family, my cat, the sun, trees… a huge list of not going to be able to experience ever again. And my mind continues to wonder what else I’m never going to experience again… and yes sex came into my mind. I’m holy shit… I’m not going to have sex again… regardless of how good or bad i am with sex… lol… I was sad I wasn’t going to experience it again. Of course my spiritual partner came up and I could remember what we shared together and my fantasies of what I wanted to do with him… but he wasn’t there… and I’m about to die. It’s easy for me now to say… damn it you don’t know what you were doing… you weren’t understanding the message and you’re about to do something you’re going to regret… don’t do it… but at that moment… I broke down. I didn’t want to but yet I thought this will be my last chance and maybe my damn shaman is the last person I’m supposed to have sex with. I turned to him and asked if he wanted to have sex with me, and his response was yes. I didn’t want to add anything into the experience… so I wasn’t kissing on him or rubbing on him… nothing affectionate… I just wanted to get it over with and then I wanted to die. And immediately I was disgusted with myself. It was obvious to me and to my shaman I was not enjoying the experience. I started laughing at myself because it was so terrible… it was so awful… I wish I would have just died with fantasies because that was so much more satisfying then allowing this man to enter me. I couldn’t let it continue and I immediately smoked mapacho and was apologizing. I wasn’t strong enough to die without having this last temptation to have sex one more time before my death. I told him I was ready to passé. And he told me I was unable to passé now that I’ve smoked the mapacho… I was confused… why would that stop me from dying? It made no sense to me. Once he said I wasn’t able to I went to my bed to lay with my thoughts and finally fall asleep. I was horrified with my decision, but when I woke up the next morning. I was pretty much going through a panic attack. Why the hell is it my time to die? Why would I be receiving all these messages about my future? I’m just not understanding how to love and appreciate this life… why now? Why do I have to die, and why did I have to come to the jungle away from everyone I love to die? My shaman saw how I was reacting to the experience and he was trying his best to ground me. He created a special plant bath and had me cool off. He took me into the middle of some trees on his center and had me absorb the calming energy… it was helping but my mind couldn’t stop… but I also knew I wasn’t understanding the situation clearly though too… why did a part of me want to die? Why was I not scared in ceremony? Why was I calm and why did I feel like there’s nothing but love and patience from existence? What am I missing? His family came to prepare food and eat with us and we were planning on going into the city to pick up supplies the next day. His youngest son is learning English, and I’d ask him to translate for me the questions I have towards his dad… but my shaman asked me not to talk about the ceremony. What I got from it is he doesn’t want me to tell about the necessity to passé. That seems to be something he doesn’t tell everyone… maybe only when they need to hear it, but I didn’t know what that meant. They could see I was not my normal self. And I admitted that I was having problems processing my ceremony last night. I even admitted I thought I was going to die. And I’m afraid to die. I could barely communicate with anyone. I did go to the village with the family and being around the children and watching them really calmed me down. I thought I should enjoy these last moments… however many days it would be… i need to enjoy every second, because I known how much I’m going to miss these experiences. I also slept a lot. I kept thinking I’m missing something… I tried to talk to my shaman more and asked if I’m supposed to die? He looked puzzled when I asked… I said does passé mean death? He said no… I told him I don’t understand what passé is… is there another word he could use so I can understand? He couldn’t think of another word. I had to let him know that I thought I was literally going to die and I thought I wasn’t going to experience having sex anymore and that he was my only option. I think he understood what I was saying and even he said that he will no longer ask me again. I felt that when he saw how I was reacting while we were in those moments… it was clear as day that that wasn’t anything I wanted to share with him. And I’m sure he was uncomfortable being involved with someone who was disgusted by the whole experience. Again… we were teaching each other lessons whether we were conscious of it or not. I had calmed down before the following week with the master plant and with another Aya ceremony. I thought maybe I would be afraid to go back in, but I wasn’t… at that time I knew I was missing something and I knew there was a part of me and existence that wanted me to die… and dying wasn’t what I thought it was going to be… so I was curious to see what would happen. Well the feeling of death did not come up…. It did not come up for a few ceremonies after. But during this time I was processing what I was learning but in the back of my head I was getting more determined to know what was this death? What did I stop myself from doing? Now I really did want to know what death felt like. It was about a month after that ceremony… I can’t remember if it was four or five ceremonies after (I could look in my journal, but it doesn’t really matter), but near an end of a ceremony… I was sitting by myself and then I just started working on myself… I wasn’t sure exactly what i was doing but I knew I was trying to change something in my mind’s structure. In the middle of doing whatever I was doing… I found myself lifting up my head and it was the first time having a conscious experience of this physical reality. At that moment I didn’t know anything because I didn’t know I had a mind to think… I didn’t know what was physical because that wasn’t in a vocabulary… I didn’t have language. I didn’t know I was a human… I didn’t know this visual field I opened up was using my eyes… I found my hands and body and I had no clue what it was… but I wasn’t worried… I didn’t know how to worry… I wasn’t confused… I didn’t have any language in my head talking to me to label things and ask questions… I just was observing for the first time. I was observing my body which I don’t even know if I was registering that it was myself I was looking at… it was just the first time observing consciously… my visual field started to move around and I was seeing the inside of the maloca with the wood floors and screens and shadows… again complete silence inside and outside of me… and I wasn’t trying to figure out where I was and what I was supposed to do… that wasn’t known for me to do that. Nothing was known at that part of was just being. I was just observing for the first time and I don’t even know if I was curious… I just happen to be moving the visual field and when i found my hands I placed it on my body and again I didn’t know what I was doing… it was all the first time for me. Once my visual field moved and settled onto my shaman did words start to appear back into my head… memory started coming back… language and thought… I found myself laughing… and my shaman was smiling and said you’re a quick learner. I knew what he was saying. He tried to get me to this point at the other ceremony, but because he was guiding me without me knowing or expecting it… I thought I was going to die and leave this physical reality. I’ve been gaining confidence in my abilities and I do know I’m a fast learner… I knew I’d be able to get there again, but when I did it myself… I didn’t have the feeling of dying… I had the feeling of Awakening for the first time. I still think that’s an appropriate description… maybe I can get a better word for it, but I was born again. I knew this is a profound moment in my life… and I knew I had nothing like this happen before and nothing compared to those moments. I had even been giving myself previews of what this would be like… different ones as if to not look at something, place a label, and assume anything about it… lol.. it’s hard to explain but experience something on my own without conditioning being applied to it. Try to reset my mind to experience things for the first time again. But yes… that was profound and I knew I just went through a transformation, but I didn’t know what that transformation was at the time. I was just so excited that I finally Awakened, but it wasn’t what I was expecting and I didn’t realize how much I needed to ground and integrate this experience to observe and understand the difference in me. I’ve been doing it for a year and four months now. But it’s only been six months that I took myself into seclusion and really isolate my thoughts and able to observe myself without having to do what other people expected of me. I found my safe haven with my dad. He has given me this space to integrate and it’s exactly what I needed. Now that Awakening was like the first round… there was a second round that came later… I can’t really explain it but it felt like it was testing me… it was like ok… I know something is different, but do I really want to break through? I hesitated the first time… will I hesitate again? Well I didn’t and I was lost in ceremony with bliss, bliss, bliss… I was blissed out and it was almost asking me what I would like to experience more… this or that? To me it was like the nonphysical or the physical? And it was not any easy choice, but it also seemed like there was no wrong choice either. Death is not nothing… it’s not “no existence”… that doesn’t existence… existence exists with or without a perception of a physical world. So right… I don’t know if death really exists… it may seem that way to limited beings living a physical world, but we can awaken to being more than that and so even if humans think we are dead… we do not die… we can only exists. We can start to understand infinity in a deeper way with experience and we can continue to dig deeper and deeper without ever reaching a finale point… there’s no end destination… we just exist… as amazing at that realization was… I chose to experience the physical reality more… again I was finally getting the hang of it… and I’m really understanding how to love and appreciate the physical world… hell yeah it’s a challenge, but I like to overcome those challenges. When that decision was made… I started to return into my body and mind and what do I realize my physical body is experiencing? Well… it definitely wasn’t what I was expecting… when I was in this state I was out of my body… I didn’t know that my shaman was already having sex with my body… again I was coming around and started to piece together what the hell was going on… here I am choosing to be a part of this physical reality and I come back to someone having sex without my consent and especially while I was pretty much in a vegetative state or comatose. I start shaking my head because I knew I didn’t want to be involved with what was happening but literally my body has an orgasm. It was the first time where I experienced a prolonged state of gushing… there was no emotional orgasm at that time… that would have been earlier in my bliss state… but he got off of me after I orgasmed and I rolled away and covered myself up… and didn’t talk to him. I can’t remember if I just fell asleep right there or if I moved to my bed. I just knew when I woke up I was ready to leave. I was furious… I was supposed to have one more week of ceremony but I didn’t want another day. I told him I need to give my things away to his family and the next boat out of the village I’m going to take it and I’m not going to spend one more night alone with him at the center. At this time I was disgusted with myself and with him… and I wanted time away from him. I knew I hired my friend to come with me for a month around Peru to be my translator and I was going to wait for him to arrive before I try to really talk to him about anything. I tried it’s not like I didn’t try, but I didn’t think he was going to understand… and he wasn’t going to stop me from telling my friend what went down and that’s not going to go down for me anymore or anyone else I’m sharing ceremony with. I knew at this time that whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen… I just didn’t know that these lessons had to hit in this manner, but I knew I had to process, integrate, and recontextualize a shit ton! I still had nine more ceremonies after these… spread over five months. And these were a fraction of three ceremonies of the eleven I shared in dieta. So what have I processed, integrated, and recontextualized since then… well… if you’ve been reading my Journal you can start to see what’s changing. When I was going through these moments I was embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty and judgmental. Even though I had experienced passing through a threshold… didn’t meant I understood what that meant… I just knew I was changed but I didn’t know how. Firstly and most importantly is my consciousness.. I understand what consciousness is… not a vague idea or understanding of it… no it’s quite clear. It is quite clear I was experiencing different degrees and even though it’s not quite accurate it was as if I was unconscious. I was making decisions and interpretations at an unconscious state. The collective was assisting in me to make unconscious decisions and behavior as well. So in the past it was easy for me to look at my memories of my behaviors and thoughts and be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I’d tell myself… why didn’t I know better? Now it’s quite clear there’s no reason to be embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty because I honestly didn’t know better… I was unconscious and I’ve been conditioned unconsciously and these were the results. Do I want to change anything that happened to me in the past… NO! All of these led me to the moment I am now and I’m grateful I’m conscious of what I am now and I’m still excited for more experiences to come. But did I learn that I assumed the collective around me was increasing their consciousness in the same way I am and at the degrees I am and at the pace that I am… Yes I assumed wrong… that has not been verified in my experience. Many of the collective are still behaving and thinking in a nonconscious manner. So I want to completely trust and surrender and maybe I’ll be able to do that to some extent… I don’t even want to say that… I want to completely surrender and trust, but for now I’ve got to see where people are first… it’s ok for me to have distance to feel the situation out first. If I know there is something I want to work on.. i don’t need others to help me learn it… there is ways for me to learn it myself so I don’t have to put myself in situations for existence to teach me lessons in manners I don’t want to find myself in. Granted I learned, but I’m sure I can have a more hand in how I learn. Maybe it will continue to happen but I know it will decrease because I’m more conscious… and I want to be more deliberate with what I’m creating around myself. I thought I need to have a hand on helping people I’m around, but I don’t need to have that hand everywhere. Because I know existence is already helping everything out. I can be more selective with my energy, time, and focus… and I no longer feel bad for saying or thinking that. When it comes to my sexual shadow… my mind has had a lot of conditioning that it needs to work out. But again… I want to work it out with myself for now. I’m going to learn how to integrate these insights and when I feel I’ve got a good hand in the integration I know I’ll feel more comfortable sharing ceremony again. I don’t know if it will take a few days, a few weeks, a few more months, or a few more years… I don’t want to put a timeline on what I need to integrate. I trust I’m intelligent enough to figure it out. I went over to the gentleman who is interested in sharing ceremony and we had a great conversation, just like we’ve done the last time. With me involved with the Journal is quite easy for me to talk about what I’ve been learning lately… and of course sexuality came into play. I won’t go into details of our conversation because I didn’t get his consent to discuss our conversations publicly, but I feel comfortable with what my feelings were in our conversation. I was glad that I did’t have any hesitation to discuss what I’m going through and where I am right now. It did make me a little uncomfortable whenI said I’m mostly autosexual but I’m open to whatever the experience leads. I felt when I said that last part it was giving a window of opportunity which I really don’t want to give right now. So I think I’ll just say I’m autosexual and leave it as that. I don’t think others need to know that I might be interested in mutual play…. I feel that’s will be only in a very very very very small selective group… lol… and I won’t be able to assume upon meeting them if they would be candidates or not. I found it interesting that he would not have expected my “struggle” with sexuality and had admitted another lady in her mid-forties was expressing similar thoughts as mine. I told him… people aren’t having the same views on sexuality like it’s a given. I was curious to see if he could teach me something, but I don’t want to make that decision yet… if I had to then I’d say no. Maybe after I get to know him more maybe… but honestly I feel like I want to share ceremony with him too… because I’m picking things up during engagements with people that I don’t always comprehend as clearly when I’m in ceremony there is clarity. I was about to go into detail of my doubts but I don’t think it’s necessary to express… I can say I’m doubtful and I know why. Like I told him I went through the careless point of having sex with anyone at anytime for any reason. I’m not desperate anymore. It would be a very specific learning moment only after I’ve given myself to be autosexual first. I haven’t even explored that yet… well not consciously… so I want to give myself time for that. I do have to mention that he brought up they he was put in the friend-zone for the first time… in which I busted out laughing because I’m trying to figure out how to popularize friend-zone… lol… I do think we would get benefits for sharing ceremony together. He’s a psychonaut and they’re usually very interesting and deeper ceremonies. But yeah maybe the setting isn’t going to be alone at one of each other’s houses… we were thinking about going hiking… maybe out in nature might be a better setup and it doesn’t have to be late… it could be in the late morning or afternoon… sometimes it’s hard not to appreciate nature and receive it’s blessings when we share ceremony in their space. There’s a good friend of his who wants to do ceremony too… along with his wife… maybe I can send an invite for everyone to join in on the hiking… I can have my setup ready but I don’t have to pull it out unless I think the timing is right. Working with psychonauts usually they like to go in solo… so it’s already a challenge to have me be there in ceremony with them… so maybe that won’t work, but maybe there are options I haven’t thought of yet. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this… I’m sure I have… but I’m not a dealer, right… so I don’t just give away my supplies and say ok here you go have at it… if that’s the case they can go somewhere else than myself, right. I’m not going to stop them… but if they want to have an experience with me I’ve learned how to prepare… of course I’m always looking on ways to improve and mostly screening better the participants I share with… lol… I’d love to share with everyone but honestly not everyone is ready. I’m still processing and integrating so i don’t feel I’m ready now either. And i’m ok with that… I know a part of me misses it and wants to see how it’s going to change because I know it’s changing… I’m changing. I’m enjoying the changes. I gues I wanted to mention something I’ve been thinking about. Now I feel like I should be more conscious with what I tell people… I realize I have an affect, and I want to be more conscious on how I’m affecting people. I know I’m not taking words at face value anymore… I might be swinging my pendulum a little too far, but I’m asking more clarifying questions instead of assuming. I’m still getting used to asking these questions but I’m getting better. But when they go to clarify my questions I’m weighing out their thought process… if they are clearly listening to themselves and trusting to go with their instincts I’m more likely going to encourage them to continue. If they seem more on the lost side, then I’ll give guidance but still ultimately empowering them that they are the ones who can find the answers for themselves. I’m not sure if that’s a strategy to keep pursuing though because if they are lost… they don’t trust themselves so maybe I can give them a few options of my opinion and then see what they do with that. Many people want to hear opinions, but to actually put them into action is something completely different. If they are not ready to apply themselves… then just be with them and support them without having to give solutions at times. Many times I just need someone to listen which helps me process… I can be that for others too. But this whole sexual exploration has got me to look at possibilities of how I would like to teach my children. I mentioned I went from monogamy, to polyamory, to celibacy, to autosexuality. And id’ like to help guide my children in the opposite way, right… of course I don’t know what that looks like but in theory I’d like for them to start off with autosexuality and celibacy… get them to know how to satisfy themselves and get them on the road to get to know what they are interested in in their life. Once they want to have experiences they want to share with others… suggest polyamory.. but more of mutual masturbation primarily with different partners they are sexually interested in. Maybe at this stage they can engage in intercourse, but maybe they’ll have more understanding in themselves and what they like in their partners that intercourse can be when they are ready for a monogamous relationship. Yeah this might sound like a fairytale, but I could think this as a good start into parenting sexuality. Even if I get the opportunity to help someone who already is developing their sexuality and I happen to be someone they trust for advice… I feel I could give them some direction once I know what they are wanting to gain for themselves. I know I have a lot more to learn and experience, but I have a diverse background in this area to at least give a few nuggets that might help… lol Alright… that feels good for tonight. Until next time…

Great post, thanks for sharing Are you familiar with Steven Norquist's essay on enlightenment? I've been all over the place with god realization experiences, but I had my first real taste of no self while reading his essay. It was freaky I'm at an interesting point on my journey, for so long I've been all into chakras and healing, then "enlightenment" (peak experiences) and God realization, life is a game, life is a cosmic joke, etc etc. I was on that track for so long Even now I sit here and I think, oh please let God realization be the real end. It can't be true that the final truth is abiding in no self.. Anywho. No self contrasts so supremely with every other teaching I've devoted myself too. I'm learning what words describe it so I can read more about it... I'm also looking again at teachers that I had put aside as being too weak sauce cause it wasn't dripping in cosmic God realized bliss lol.. like Adyashanti, Jed McKenna is enlightened too Have you "crossed over" permanently yourself? It IS the freakiest thing and I struggle. Adya seemed mostly fine with it but Jed and even Steven describe all of the difficulties with letting go, Steven wrote a small book called Haunted Universe about his experience, and McKenna even calls no-self enlightenment a boobyprize You describe it very well. Although, I also wonder if the linked Leo videos are more helpful or harmful for realizing no self, I get the impression that even though he's describing a big empty space, that maybe that space has a little "self" in there somewhere. He's also steered clear of no self teachings since Here's Steven Norquist's essay if you haven't seen it http://hauntedpress.net/What_is_Enlightenment.html Other essays http://hauntedpress.net/Essays_other_writings.html Best wishes

I made a list of questions to answer such as: “What is God?”, “Why God is?”, “Where did it come from?” etc. Previous time I did 4.5 grams of Enigma Mushrooms and I had rather a bad trip. This time I decided to go for 3.0 grams. I made a mushroom tea and took it with me outside. After drinking the tea, I sat on a stone near the beach and started going trough my questions. As I was doing that fear begun arising in me. I was afraid to get the same bad experience as the last time. I tried to concentrate on the questions but the fear was too strong. Also, my boundaries were dissolving again and it freaked the shit out of me. I told myself “Fuck this questions and fuck psychedelics” so I stood up, put my earbuds in and decided to walk until the end of the trip. As I was walking and looking around, I was seeing myself again. Everything was my mind, God’s mind. With this came realization that there is nothing in existence but my mind. Another wave of fear crushed on me. I was afraid that I would wake up forever and would never come back to the life. I couldn’t accept this idea so instead I tried resisting the experience. I was trying to convince myself that I’m not God, but of course it was in vain. In the back of my mind, I knew that whether I like it or not I am God and there’s nothing I could do about it. It’s an absolute fact and it will remain like this forever. So, there I was walking around trying to resist it. I was looking at my watch but it stopped. I knew that I’m imagining time. I asked myself “Now what? What am I gonna do?!”. I was like “Okay, fuck it, I’m just gonna Be for eternity and that’s perfectly fine”. I completely accepted my nature. With this fear begun dissolving. I started contemplating my questions. The first one was “Where did I come from?”. Of course, I’ve always been. Always means eternity and therefore it excludes any beginning or end. I also became conscious that I’m the only thing in existence, there can’t be any other gods or entities whatsoever. I’m the Source and I’m the Creator. I’m shining and everything is the reflection of it. I looked at my hands and as I was looking, I realized that I’m these hands and the body but paradoxically I’m not my body. My real body is nothing, it’s pure magical nothingness. Suddenly an interesting thought came to my mind “What if I can consciously go as deep as I want?”. Guess what? Of course, yes! Because I’m God! I started expanding my consciousness by will. I transcended all my memories and the past. I realized that nothing ever happened to me, all of it was just a dream that I made. All pain I’ve gone trough was illusion. All suffering that I saw all the wars, murders, rapes are just illusion. What is not illusion? Love. Love is the Truth. Infinite and pure God’s love is truth. God is just simply magical being made out of pure infinite love. When I realized it I transcended all possible fear. I couldn’t think of anything that would scare me. I became conscious that nothing bad will ever happen, it’s the absolute fact. I went deeper into the Love. I was experiencing deep bliss, happiness, joy, peacefulness and beauty! Of course, no words can explain it and there’s nobody to explain it to! Haha! A few other important things that I discover: 1. There is a paradoxical difference between Me and My creation that is also Me. My creation doesn’t have God’s will power and is controlled by Me. 2. All spiritual teaching are corrupted. They may contain some truth, but corruption ruins it. I created all spiritual gurus and teaching in order to delude myself. 3. Psychedelics the only valid tool to awaken. Meditation, retreats, yoga, breathing techniques are fantasy and can’t be used for spiritual awaking. All of them are good for human life (to be more peaceful, to be capable of accepting stuff, to be in control of the emotions etc.). I know this absolutely because I’m God. P.S. I’ve been doing mushrooms for the last 4 years but I had never had such deep awakenings. The quality of my trips on mushrooms has been improved after experiencing with 5MeO-DMT. Now mushrooms are as strong as 5MeO but way longer. I need to try combining 5MeO and shrooms. From God for God

Sup guys. So I am planning to do a self-healing retreat using 5-MEO-DMT (plugging) and MDMA (oral) tonight. I have already had around 15 5-MEO trips at 30mg-40mg, and at this point, there is no fear or resistance, only pure bliss and love during the trip. So, I have finally decided to trip again tonight and am curious to see how adding MDMA will deepen my understanding toward love and God. I won't do them together at the same time. Instead, I'm planning to plug 5-MEO first and then take MDMA after the trips end, but I'm still wondering if there are any potential risks or damage when doing them on the same night. Has anyone done this before, and what are your thoughts on it?

I had the same problem, i noticed this when experimenting with glutamate supplements making me loss sleep with racing thoughts. High carb meals and L-tryptophan helps avoid this. The trigger for me is weed not LSD, thoughts racing 100x, visualizing, talking, thinking all over the place, full body shaking. LSD does the opposite, its all bliss. Seeing as we have the same experience with different substances there is likely more the to story the glutamate activation. Maybe it actives in my body with weed and with your LSD, but how and why? ???

>I personally don't know if people really know what they are pursuing aka Truth. Wise points, both of them. Hope you don't mind if I comment on your message that was originally adressed to Yimpa ( : People are pursuing happiness/bliss/no more suffering. In my opinion by definition. Different projects, same motivation. You always follow something that you think will make you whole and end suffering. Or rather ending the cycle of being discontent from time to time (dukha=unsatisfactoriness, at least not totally permanent satisfying). >Maybe they'll become sad that Truth, Enlightenment and Awakening will not get you laid or rich. I can assure you that the really staying in your True Nature (not the preliminary one with Nonduality already happening but separate self still quite alive, the Nonduality-Identity, the "enlightened" "Person" . That is already awesome bliss-wise, but still has phases of being still grasping and not being fully there) will bring you what you want bliss-wise. For me, in the beginning it was like: Hey, you fooled yourself your whole life with every endeavour you thought would finally bring permanent bliss. Which at the end, it didn't. Not quite. But the strange thing was: It didn't end. The cycle of dis-satisfaction was broken. Just sitting there and doing nothing, watching a park, would completely suffice. A source of bliss within you, always accessible, just do the resting in your True Nature correctly. If you know how to contact & rest in it. I am happily married (which brings a lot of bliss), and also really can't complain on the financial side. But being rich will definitely not make you happy alone, no chance. It doesn't harm for sure (at least if you are not stupid), but doesn't and can't suffice. How could some arisings happening within you make you happy, when you don't know what You are? That is not the way the game is designed. It couldn't even be designed that way. Everbody is guided back home. How can some rich folks be excluded from that, in permanent bliss from just being rich. ( : Which is exactly what you can see happening: See all the celebrity-examples. Just doesn't suffice. Many even suicide, having tried all standard methods for bliss, and having had the privilege to try them all, and find them quite lacking: quite higher tendency for drugs & suicide than average. You need the True Thing (capital T) I know, some text lines & claims in a forum. But hey, its true. And even True. And you reading that, you already have That! You are already That! Never can not be That, never having not been That. ( : Maybe you just dont know what you really are, and how to access that. Maybe there are (1) clouds of mistaken identity, and (2) regular cycles of suffering/dis-satisfactoryness in the way. One day, this life or the next, "you" will find a way for the clouds to be seen through/blown away, and you will recognize that (1) and (2) have been the exactly same phenomenon and process happening within you, one causing the other, or rather: being the same process. Like in "couldn't be designed any different, but hey, what the heck of a magnificent ride". Then you will laugh at the greatest joke ever not told.... I wish you bon voyage on the journey back home. Water by the River

Fully Agree. And I believe there is a hard-wired element in every human to go for the radiation of love,bliss and happiness when choosing a path/teaching/guide. The Archetype of the Enlightened Sage, hardwired as Archetype in Humanity since the dawn of time. Which is actually a nice thing that Mara didn't kill that hard-wiring. She only tries . Check the Wikipedia overview of Mystics for the favourite ways of executing Mystics: Nailing to the Cross, burning at the stake, drowning, .... Weren't we (capital W) having fun at certain past incarnations. First time? Luckily, humanity as evolved a bit. Main risks nowadays are ranging from being fired/kicked out from a spectrum of social activities, ranging from your job to online forums. Water by the River

Thank you for sharing your experience. I also had a wonderful mystical experience on these seeds. I took them while doing a breathwork session, but even after two hours I didn't feel anything different than usual, so I decided to go to bed. While in bed I was contemplating the concept of "no self", without realizing that I was actually starting to peak.. I imagined that my entire life, from birth until this moment and far into the future is just a story, so I decided to drop it. As soon as I did that, my mind started rushing a flood of rapidly consecutive thoughts, from childhood memories, to what I ate yesterday, to my future career.. HOPING that I would latch onto any of those thoughts. But I never did. It was very easy to drop all interest in all thoughts because they all pertain to the story, my story. Soon after I experienced NO THOUGHTS.. Complete silence for the first time in my life! That brought about the most profound feeling of peace and serenity I have ever experienced, and I had amazingly soothing experiences with magic mushrooms before. It is impossible to feel any worry or angst if there's nothing or no one to worry about! Finally I understood what all those spiritual teachers mean with focus on the sense of "I am". Actually, in my experience it felt more like "This is". I was completely impersonal, pure awareness. Of course I am neither the body or the mind! I wasn't concerned with either the past or the future. So no wonder that what remains is the present moment. In that space of "selflessness" I felt no desire, just pure bliss in being. However I had the intuition that being in this "formless" state is not all there is.. There must have been a reason why I am the "selfish" ego as well. Surely the point is not to just sit there in bliss and do nothing??? As soon as that thought started bothering me, I tapped back into the "selfless/formless" and went back into the peace. The week after this experience I saw a video by Frank Yang where he talks about what to do after the realization of the no-self. He claims that by moving from form to formless and back several times, the gap between both states narrows down until they unite. In that place you are your ego self AND the formlessness at the same time. You are still active, but all your actions come from a place of love, authenticity and fearlessness without attachment to outcome.

Hi Lilia, yes, there can be pain, but no psychological suffering stacked on top, and the pain itself much more removed with less focus, flowing through oneself like a distant wave. What I wanted to say in my post (suffering and mainting Realization sobre/without psychedelics) was that without full stable Realization of ones True Nature and being able to keep that stable in everyday life (Postsamadhi), the cycle of suffering of the separate self continues. Without Realization of ones True Nature, one can have wonderful trips of Awakening with psychedelics, or just normal blissful experiences. But it never lasts. The merry-go-round of being content/satisfied and then no longer content/satisfied (suffering in the Buddhist sense of Dukha means not literally suffering, but something mroe like unsatisfactoryness (everything being unsatisfactory in the end, which then also causes suffering) continues. It is (in my observation) a necessary building block of any Lila, because without it the separate self arising would at some point no longer find "projects", and just "fizzles" out at some point. And: When I became able to rest in my True Nature (cutting off and/or just watching the separate-self arisings (thoughts/feelings) "Trekchö-style" emerging also at high frequencies, the visual field became limitless/infinite/nondual/mere appearance/imagined style/empty/groundless), and most of the separate self arisings were seen flowing through the Reality that the Real I is, I got a flow of bliss/love flowing from and through that Source/Reality that was independend from outer circumstances. In the beginning I thought it was too good to be true, like am I fooling myself here. But it never stopped, and increased further, including the so called three special states of bliss, emptiness (groundlessness) and luminosity (shimmering mere appearance), which then also progressed further. At that time, the meditation was off-the-pillow (Postsamadhi-Meditation) since quite some time, so I got that in everyday life and not only while sitting. And from that basis of a fully nondual infinite field of empty groundless mere appearances with no center/separate anything, one can start wondering WHAT kind of empty nonlocal Awareness really watches that infinite empty field of mere appearance, and in What that really appears. And then the Big Bang can suddenly happen. But that comes normally a considerable time after the stabilization of the Nondual Field described above. Tashi Namgyal, quoted in Pointing out the Great Way, Brown: "In short, crossing over [to Enlightenment] happens at the time when every single sensory experience—appearance [visual field] and thought [any separates self or thought arising in general]—are viewed as clarity/emptiness [mere empty groundless imagined appearance] and movement/emptiness [thought/separate self arisings moving in You/Reality] with absolute certainty [meaning it is no a decission of any kind, but a self-evident observation and an understanding of Absolute certainty, an Understanding of Ultimate Reality (infinite consciousness) understanding Itself]." Or in other words: When you get it that anything there can ever be is just a imagined show happening in the True You, and the True You is so totally empty/Nothingness that it is when no appearance appears unware of itself, but with the potential for sentience if something is imagined. Or: Totally empty, Nothingness, so that IT can manifest anything and is not limited in any way, which it would be if IT/You were anything specific at all. This is a point where many teachings become imprecise, or just end there (at a not so empty Nonduality), because the author didn't progress over that Nonduality-Stage with a still lingering pretty empty awareness/witness. Whenever you here "I am this Nonduality", a questionmark is indicated. For that, see also this video (Prior to Nonduality): Concerning what you describe about pain: Yes. If there is Physical pain, it is still there, but no psychological restisting/suffering arises because of it (which is like 80% of the perceived suffering). On top, as you describe, the physical pain flows through the Reality that you are, like the wind. Much more remote, like there is pain moving in me, but I am not that pain. It doesn't "grip" anymore. Bon voyage Water by the River

@Water by the River The excerpt from Chogyal Namkhai Norbu is spot-on. Precisely the kind of expression that I asked for. Thank you. You mentioned the perceived improbability of the 'sober state suffering' (or perhaps that's how I interpreted that part of your message), so I thought maybe I could share something with you. I have discovered that there comes a point at which suffering is not experienced as such. I mean the experience of suffering is there (e.g. the sensation of a sprained ankle is one and the same sensation whenever it's experienced, at all times), but there is no longer experience of it as painful. And it's not just a matter of interpretation where one tries to talk themselves out of the discomfort, nor is it the result of simply removing the distinction of pain. It is the actual experience that pain is not painful. Probing further, this pain turns out to be identical to bliss and is experienced as such (not in some perverse masochistic fashion, but because pain is experienced as God, and God is bliss, hence pain is no exception). Articulating God realization is no easy task, and as I am learning to do it, I appreciate hearing how other people do it. Your comment helped me a lot.

Emptiness and the 7th Jhana type nothingness are typically pointing to different things in Buddhism. Emptiness is that that things lack inherent existence. This ties in quite strongly with dependent origination as well. Nothingness is closer to tuning into more fine and subtle sensations or rather tuning all sensations to reveal more subtle aspects of experience than what is found in boundless space and boundless consciousness (5th & 6th jhana). Meditating on the breath and jhana are part of the same meditation process that the Buddha taught. I’ve even heard from a monk of some decades that this is the only meditation the Buddha is recorded to have taught in its fullness. It begins with the breath, then moves to gladdening the mind and other steps which align with jhana, then moves into investigation of characteristics found on the insight axis of mediation such as impermanence. Although not explicitly stated in the 16 steps, knowledge of the emptiness of phenomena will naturally come from Ānāpānasati (fancy old Pāli word for mindfulness of breathing) done thoroughly enough. One of the beautiful things about the Buddhist system of meditation and interpreting awakening is that the whole system and its parts are nicely interwoven with essentially all of the other parts. There is not one right technique or best technique. The technique which you use, find great results from, and enjoy is the “proper” technique. Some do suggest that sticking with one technique is important while others support the method of hitting this process from tons of different angles. Different strokes for different folks I suppose. All the way from the 16 steps of Ānāpānasati, to the 5 strengths, the precepts, the noble eightfold path, the four noble truths, etc. support each other in an elegant way. And more recent forms of Buddhism illuminate plenty of other relevant aspects of the path connecting back to the original teachings in their own ways. Buddhism has the express goal of finding for oneself the path to end suffering. Jhana and increasing sukha (happiness/satisfaction) are incredibly integral parts of this. The author and great teacher Rob Burbea suggested that one should have at least as much jhana/samadhi meditation as insight meditation if not a ratio even further geared toward jhana. True 1st jhana is absolutely nothing to scoff at. It is heavenly and psychedelic-tier bliss done with your own mind. Having that skill is immensely valuable. Anyway, I kind of got on a rant there lol. Hope this helps.

Try an efficient meditation system, like for example "Pointing Out the Great Way" by Daniel Brown. Get your meditation going first on the pillow, Learn to spot any thought/concept arising directly when it emerges from consciousness/emptiness, see it move in that, and dissolve back into that. Then get the meditation "automized" Nonmeditation-Yoga-Style without any effort or artificial activity, the meditation doing itself (advanced stage). That gets the separate-self-arisings "doing" the meditation out of the way (they are just more thought-arising). Then move it into every-day life (Postsamadhi-Meditation). Then, your visual field will start becoming nondual and empty, like a hologram. Bliss without any cause starts to flow, the normal feeling good- feeling bad cycles of the separate self stop. Then, remove all remaining subtle filters/lenses/centers of the separate self arisings, learn to see/spot them fast enough and not "see through them"/"not looking out from them", until only the Nondual Infinite Awareness Space remains, and all perceptions appearing as mere imagined appearances, empty, lucent and hologram-like, moving in "It", perceptions perceiving themselves. And then check "WHO" is aware of that Infinite Nondual Field of mere appearance, with thoughts and world-objects moving and appearing in it like the wind, moving through You.Then, at one point, suddenly even the last feeling of an empty nonlocal witness perceiving a kind of Infinity/Totality will drop, totally becoming one with field. One without a second. Maybe even the One Hand will give you a clap then. The One without a second, initially unaware of itself when no arisings move (Nirvikalpa, Cessation, Deep Sleep,...), but with the potential for sentience. Always eternally right here now. And then, maybe consider the Empty Mirror Job Opening. Selling Water by the River PS: @GLORY "No they can be awake Or maybe even Awake But they are not AWAKE™" May I borrow that somtimes from you? I just love it PS: And whatever precisely the latest definitions of God Realization/awakening/alien awakening/.... are for Leo these days, the writer of these lines probably respectfully disqualifies for that.

Love, beauty and bliss are always there but we also have lives to live that demand our attention to be occupied with other tasks. The demand to be entertained or pleasured with "24/7 bliss" is pathological. Instead, you should learn how to contact bliss so that you can be with it when you are not engaged with other more urgent, distracting worldly things. Obviously, bliss is also present in the worldly activity too but not in the form you were expecting, or have as yet learned to appreciate. To appreciate the extraordinary in the ordinary is a wiser intention than to demand 24/7 pleasure from mystic-realization-experiences.

?? I have come to the realization... that the narrative of love and beauty and bliss 24/7 is nonsense ?. I used to believe in it. Then I found out that all the teachers who preached this were human too and suffered in the human condition just as much as anyone else. Some of them were even very nasty. Yes, they did have experiences that they used to rationalize their beliefs, and I am aware that Leo has experienced some very intense energetic events, but... when they play a game of "I am the most awake person on the planet!", how can I take them serious? What sort of wise teacher would play a game of "enlightenment competition" with his peers? What sort of love is that? I had a friend just like that. I really adored him. He was really fanatical about mushrooms. Really fanatical. Y'all think you've taken mushrooms? Well, not like this! He took them multiple times a day, for several years ?. He was really nuts. He called them his vitamins and would take a normal human dose in the morning and function normally on it. Hell, he said he did his best work while on mushrooms! He kept increasing his dosages too, his highest dose was about 100-150g dry. And guess what... he came to the same realization as Leo, that HE is the ONLY awake person! The only gateway in the world! He suspected he might ascend soon, and figured that if he would go, the entire world would cease to exist, for he was at the center of it. The world never ceased to exist... ?Maybe we are all still waiting for him to ascend... Also... the bear ? Much confusion...! And that's a nice song. Yeah... ? I feel like my own journey into spirituality was based on my desire to die. After all, the goal of spirituality is enlightenment, or, ego-death. And the ego is the self... But it was of course much too inappropriate and embarassing to actually say that I wanted to die so, well, there we go. It's actually really sad. How did life become such a sad mess? I don't even know.

I had the worst death anxiety for like 20 years after my realization that death is not real i can finally be at peace of mind. For 20 years it was a fight for silence but silence led to the dread of death. I could never meditate before because I was scared of quieting my mind. Now I have only tiny fears that I can overcome and it feels like bliss. I beat something that cannot be beat. If you are terrified of death and its your worse fear when you overcome you are fearless because nothing was worse

Dear Shrek of Justice (lovethat name ), we are guests here in Leos House, that he build over a long time, with a lot of work, and many marvelous videos & content. So that is to be highly respected. I wish him that he finds all the beauty, understanding, bliss and love on a 24/7 basis that is possible (And for everybody else in the forum of course also. There are many extraordinary people here). I am sure that he had many understandings, Awakenings and experiences that led him to saying what you mention above. That said, you can find my personal perspective in my past posts on the topics on Enlightenment and Awakening. Concerning that sometimes it can look here a little less than rational, and like a mix between these: and my all time favourite: Well: My personal opinion is that Planet Earth needs more Empty Mirrors: I personally would be delighted if we hum along that song more often: Group Hug! respectfully, yours truly and bon voyage! Selling Water by the River

Not every possibility has to imagined. There is an Infinity of Infinities, and the Infinities have different sizes (see Cantors Set Theory, and my past posts). That means there is choice in what is imagined. Reality will never run out of Dimensions/Worlds/Lilas, even when not manifesting everything possible one. Not every crap has to be imagined. And why should that happen? Reality is not stupid, its the total opposite of stupid. And besides: The opposite is also (and much more true): You will get to experience every possible beauty and bliss. You view the coin just from one side. And also fully dualistic, and only from the perspective of the separate self. You sit at resources at this forum and the Internet for which Truth-Seekers of the past would have "killed for". The choice is on you (written with small y). Actually, there is no small separate you, only an appearance of it happening within the big You, but that perspective wil not help you at all. So better forget about that side of the coin. And the You (with a big Y) has nothing to loose or gain ever.... That is actually the best news possible. Selling Water by the River

A little bit at first. But I was overtaken by bliss that I didn't care. Also, I switched postures.

Hello~ Last night, had this weird dream where a woman sent me healing and activated my my third eye and my body with kundalini energy. In the dream, I remember feeling the activation. I've been healing my trauma for some time now. I was able to get my subconscious mind to response to my healing work that I've done, confirming my emotional releases. The next morning, I woke up with a sore lower back along with head tingling. I suddenly cried uncontrollably about my ego dying. This was totally unexpected. I don't feel the bliss and feel something is still stuck inside of me. I'm in this weird place. Has anyone gone through this and can shed some light?

Its more usually the side effect of Enlightenment/Bliss.

Nope. On a yoga Kriya. I am awakening every fucking morning. You guys do not know what you are missing by not having a proper energised practice. I am tapping into 5-MeO States of consciousness almost every fucking morning. Of course only for some seconds, not minutes or hours like on actual proper DMT. But at this point I probably not going to take psychedelics ever again. Don't see point. If I do I will only do them for recreation and fun. Bro, you can not imagine. There was not a 'self' at this point that could 'feel'. Consciousness exploded into pure Love. This is a best high than Heroin and Cocaine combined. It's pure Intense Love. It's fucking nuts. It's a fucking miracle. You don't feel a 'body' at this point, and of course not a 'mind' with emotions. Just like an explosion of Bliss.

Job Opening: Empty Mirror (female, male, diverse, alien,…, infinitely flexible!) on Imagined Planet Earth Job Description: Growing in the context of Planet Earth from business-/lifecycle to business-/lifecycle. Polishing the frame and surface of your neither existing nor non-existing Empty Mirror Nature and getting rid of your imagined/appearing frame, although there EX-ists no Empty Mirror and no frame. Experiencing various reactions concerning the Empty Mirror and its frame, like ranging from burning at the stake, nailing to a cross, any other funny way to get rid of your current frame, like being declared heretic and banned from the tribe into the desert to die a lonely Empty Mirror death, to being venerated and founding world religions. And anything in between. It never really gets boring, at least not for a long time! You can imagine your job as beig something like this Empty Mirror: Disclaimer: Neither the Empty Mirror got hurt making this video (only its frame). Also, no imaginary bear really suffered from the Empty Mirror Nature of “others” in its Empty Mirror Nature, it only appeared that the imagined bear frame got a bit confused and agitated. Job Responsibilities: Staying in your Empty Mirror Nature. Trying to not confuse the image in the mirror, or its not-so-empty frame, with the Empty Mirror itself. Sometimes not refusing to tell other Empty Mirrors that maybe not only the reflections in their Empty Mirror are imagined, but also that their whole frame of “their” empty mirror is imagined. Sometimes it may even be wise to highlight that maybe possibly the frame of the Empty Mirror is not fully gone. Or unwise, see the little confusion-incident happening in the video above. Looking in your Empty Mirror Nature and knowing “It” is still there, and you being it/having ever been it/ever will be it, while being told by a “fellow” Empty Mirror with a maybe still not fully gone frame that there is no Empty Unchanging Eternal Mirror, and that all there is the changing flow of reflection in the Mirror with a frame. Then, looking deeply into the Empty Mirror, and being very relieved the still being there/never not having been there/always will be there-ness of the Empty Mirror of your True Being. Smiling and staying loving when encountering imagined bears. Education and Experience Required: A long and proven (not too successful) track record of suffering and being discontent over many many empty-mirror-lifetimes trying many many different frames. Having tried all possible designs of Empty Mirror frame fashions, and found them all lacking in the end, but fun to try. Having been told in the story of the Platform Sutra with Shenxiu and Huineng that there is no mirror to polish, understanding that, and yet continuing to polish the mirror. Having wondered how one could have been so stupid in not seeing the forest for the trees, or the Empty Mirror for its reflections and frame. Honestly having had the experience of being humbled about your the stupidity of ones own mirror-frame on the path to admitting that you have an Empty-Mirror with no frame is also very helpful. Knowledge and Skills: Having gained enough experience in loving all empty mirror frames as imagined reflections. Having gotten proficient in hearing the Sound of the One Hand can also be beneficial. And if you are into it, having seen your face before your parents were born. Benefits and Compensation: Compensation Package: Getting to experience the infinite bliss of your true empty mirror nature 24/7, directly being wired from the Big Boss, Reality itself. Insurance Package: Even if you get confused and rack up Karma on your frame, rest assured that the Trust Fund of your True Nature will always bail you out. Its true potential will burn any amount of Karma that you like to paint your frame or mirror with. The processing time for the withdrawal from your Trust Fund can take quite some time, but rest assured that in the end it will always be delivered. Having lifelong fun in appearing to still have a frame while just having just a big maintenance-free Infinite Empty Mirror. About Planet Earth: We are a wonderful little place at the edge of the galaxy. We don’t know why there are no signals from our fellow employer-competition (Fermi-Paradoxon). We hope they uploaded themselves to some subtle realm in the Multiverse during their evolution from physical to higher realms, but we are not sure if some jealous AI got them and decided that it didn’t like their mirror-frames. Actually, you can join our enterprise right in the interesting time while we try out if our newly bred pet-AIs are fond of our mirror-frames. But don’t worry, recheck your Insurance Package above. In Reality, nothing can go wrong. It can only appear to do so. All in all, a wonderful imagined journey in your new work-environment in very interesting times, that can end with the frame of your Empty Mirror singing along the Black Eyed Peas in your new work-place, the playing of which is officially allowed in our office environment. Your fellow Empty Mirrors will not be disturbed and will happily sing along….. Respectfully and lovingly yours Selling Water by the River

Welcome. The more conscious I get the less I try to manipulate my experience or mind. I don't try to think positively or manifest stuff. I am very natural and easy-going. There were years in my life where I did a lot of visualization exercises and tried to control my mind a lot. It had its uses but I also outgrew that. The challenge for me is that I am very creative and always having new insights, so meditation is not very effective for the way my mind works. For me meditation just boils down to sitting still and enjoying Consciousness. Sometimes I'm in the mood for that, but often not because I am using my mind for understanding reality deeper. So there are some trade-offs there. Not a fan There is some truth to the notion that ignroance is bliss. Life was a lot easier when I didn't even know spirituality was a thing. I could just work on my biz and be happy. Now that is not possible because I know too much and biz cannot make me happy like it used to. But that is compensated for by my insane understanding of Consciousness. So I have no regrets.

I went to sleep for about four hours and I woke up realizing I didn't set the alarm, I used the restroom, and then I laid back down to go back to sleep... I was asking myself if I'm really afraid that all of this experience of a physical nature and the perception of interaction with objects will just disappear... I had this feeling before when I was going through my transition in my ceremonies... I had experienced that it was time for me to just not exist. I remember how I told myself I'm just now getting the hang of this existence... i'm getting to the point where I'm appreciating this reality... and I'm still wanting to live it more fully... but I also was in the surrender phase so if it was my time to not experience this anymore then it's my time. There's also an experience that wasn't in my direct awareness it's like a vision of my future where I'm just sitting there deeply contemplating what reality is and then I suddenly see white light and that's all that left and it's as if everything I knew as physical disappears. I'm calm when I'm viewing this but then I know i feel like i'm afraid that it will happen. I'm trying to go back into my direct experience... what do I know? I know that in the ceremonies I had that feeling... it was peaceful even though I was accepting my fate to not exist in this world. It was my mind in the state of consciousness that really started to run rampant. In fact the more I allowed my mind in that state run I ended up telling myself... I'm never going to experience having sex and more. I had been celibate and now i'm going to die without allowing myself to have sex, and I'm going to miss that. ideally I wanted to have sex with someone who has been present in my ceremonies for four years. He has been a muse to me without him realizing to what extent. Because he wasn't with me physically it was easy for me to become celibate. The depth of my messages of him inspired me some much that I knew what had touched me so deeply that I couldn't be so careless to allow myself or others to express anything less than the love and curiosity I feel for him. I can't pretend that I want to experience sexual relations with someone I dont want to share those experiences with... not just with anyone because they're in my physical experience out of convenience. I feel I have a responsibility to myself and to others... I don't want to pretend that there's a bond that i want to create with them that involves a sexual nature. I know I just don't want to have sex with this man. I know that there is going to be so much depth to our relationship that it will be deeply spiritual. He's already my spiritual lover... I've been giving myself time and space to prepare for our intense reunion, and allowing time and space for him to prepare too. I know the deeper I go into my spirituality, the more i'm going to attract my lover who is just as spiritual. But I'm developing emotionally, psychologically, intellectually, creatively, physically... The more I do this, the more i'll attract my lover who is developing himself to higher degrees as well. Before my dad went to sleep he put a meatloaf in the oven. He asked me to turn off the oven and put the meatloaf away. I set an alarm because we both knew I'd get lost into my Journal. So I had to do that real quick) If you've ever experienced a psychedelic then you might understand what i'm saying when I give this example. Especially if you have experienced the depth and unknowness of the experience and the magnitude of difference we originally perceive from the waking world. Well he would be my psychedelic lover and anyone else would be the waking world... lol... now that I'm experiencing the waking world as a ceremony without psychedelics... i'm starting to transition my ideas of a psychedelic, spiritual lover into a manifestation of the waking world too. It's not like I just have visions in the jungle about a man out there somewhere. We have met. We met on our first ceremonies of Aya five and a half years ago. Before we all shared our ceremonies for the first time I remember how we instantly were attracted to each other. At my state of consciousness at that time, the first thing that I was attracted to was how handsome he was. I happened to be in the van that went to pick him up from the airport. We were pulling up and he was standing there and my heart started racing... "wow... i'm so fucking lucky that I chose this van"... lol... automatically I qualified myself not worthy though... "but he's probably too good for me." So he was getting help to put his bags on top and got into the van. I remember I watched him get in with a friendly smile, but I didn't want to stare... or be too obvious... lol... so I looked out my window and waited for the van to continue... I was giving it time before I went to check him out again. But in my periphery I actually noticed he was checking me out. I was trying to play it cool and pretended I didn't notice. But I remember I was happy that he actually was seeming to maybe think i was attractive too. But I was playing it cool... and I'm pretty good socially and there was all this new stuff going on so I just went with it and tried to be in the moment as much as i could be in my current state of consciousness which I didn't really realize existed like I am more aware of now. There were other moments that I saw our eyes connect with curiosity. When we all gathered into the long wooden boat... it seemed like we wanted to get seats close to each other but not that close... I wanted a good distance to observe him. Also we had a choice of three rooms to pick to sleep and place our belongings... I walked into a room and turned to see if he was going to choose the same room, but three other guys followed me in and so our room was full. I saw him watching me and even noticed a slight hesitation that maybe he should've acted quicker, but two rooms were already filled and so I watched him walk to the remaining room. To be honest I don't know when we had our first one on one conversation... for the most part we had conversations with the group and so we were feeling each other out in a subtle way. I just want to say there is a lot more to my experience of the first of my Aya ceremonies, but I'm choosing to remember my thoughts about this spiritual lover of mine... and at this time I didn't even think that this is my spiritual lover... he was just some stranger who happened to be at the same retreat as I was. He was handsome yes, but many men are handsome. It wasn't until I experienced my ceremonies did something else evolve into my awareness. Lol... I'm not sure if i'm repeating myself or not... it's getting hard to distinguish the conversation I'm typing from the conversation in my mind... but I'll just go with it... if I repeat myself it's only to get into the the context of what i'm expressing at this time. In the first ceremonies I was getting visions from eight of the other guests there for ceremony. They were talking to me, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I got a vision of him and he was sleeping. I got a few visions of him during the ceremony, but always he was sleeping. I was concerned after ceremony that these people were in my ceremonies... i was told that these ceremonies deal with you personally... so why were others in my experience? and why couldn't i hear what they were saying to me? The second ceremony was when my entire reality was shattered but in a great way... after this ceremony I knew I was never going to be the same. What I considered impossible was happening and so I knew that there is so much more than what I thought I knew. Especially when I started singing Icaros in a language I only heard the night before. Not just singing any Icaros but the same Icaros the female shaman was singing... I knew the song and I was creating a harmony with her with ease. Not only did it shock me but it shocked the facilitators who've been a part of the retreat for years with these shamans. They hadn't seen that before. Most of the time I was sending out positive vibes of love and encouragement for people (mostly the eight that had shown themselves to me on the first ceremony) and sending my energy abundance for the shamans to draw on for assistance. At that state of consciousness, I thought I was being possessed by Gaia or Aya themselves... I never thought that it was a side of me awakening and showing itself to me and others. No way was I capable of having those powers. I started getting an awareness of who the shamans were working on directly. It's pitch black, maybe I have an awareness that I knew where people were when we began... and I can still sense when they moved from one person to the other and who that person was. When they were working on him my body was in a state of ecstatic euphoric bliss. I didn't need to send my energy or vibes out for assistance at those times. Instead it was as if my body and soul was letting me know something my mind couldn't fathom at that time. But I didn't want my mind to take over... I just let my body and emotions express itself and the laughter and elation and the sexual arousal was out of this world. In that moment I was realizing this strange man was the man i've been waiting for this whole time. (after the ceremony my mind would return questioning the experience whether this can be possible or not, but in the moment I knew) I reached a point of complete surrender so i wasn't hiding any of my responses in ceremony... in fact that's what the female shaman had said when we asked how I was able to sing Icaros with her the next day during the recalling of our experience. When you completely surrender anything can happen. I wasn't the first guest to do that... she said i was the second. When I was expressing my experience of the entire second ceremony I get really caught up in my emotions and I remember even briefly mentioning my sexual frustration with a guest and gestured his way but not trying to catch his eyes and I said it quickly enough that most probably didn't catch it. I thought maybe he didn't either, but he confirmed from a later conversation that he heard it but then questioned if i actually said it out loud... lol... the guests who were laying next to me in ceremony mentioned how much energy they were feeling from me... it was intense for them. One of them was laughing at himself and at me, because when I was in that ecstatic state he said i was arousing him with all the noises i was making... lol The third ceremony I connected to my Samoan side. I mentioned I wasn't really sure about the culture since I hadn't lived it for most of my life, but during this ceremony I started doing the "sa'sa" dance. It's a style of dance the Samoans do when they use their body and the floor or ground to create rhythms. Normally it's done in a group setting but again it was as if my body and soul knew exactly what it was doing as if i had been doing this my entire life. I didn't let my mind stop me. So not only do you have two shamans singing their Icaros... you have a guest creating percussion beats and rhythms using her body and floor throughout the ceremony...lol... I had an endless stream of energy... and again I just wanted to send my love, encouragement, and energy for everyone to use to help heal whatever they were going through. I remember thinking we all chose to come here and work out the shit that's stopping us... you can do it! we can do it! Let's do it! We're doing it! I was chanting as well but it wasn't the Samoan language... it wasn't Shipibo either... it was a language I hadn't heard before but damn it for some reason it was natural. Not always did i know what i was saying but at other times i was getting the impression of the what i was saying. I don't remember having any messages of him... i was focused on the collective as a whole not singling out my attention on one person at a time. lol.. i remember that the shamans finished their Icaros and they have to wait until our energies settle before they close ceremony... I was so full of energy that I didn't want to stop i just started doing it softer. It was getting so quiet around us and I knew I should stop soon but i just couldn't stop until i knew it was time to stop. the comments I got from everyone the next day were very humorous. How were you doing that? You're a one person band? I couldn't imagine anyone being able to snap as quickly as you were. I thought there were insects in the room at one time... I remember feeling the same way when i was tapping my nails on the floor during a section of ceremony... lol Those first ceremonies I just couldn't believe how scared i was when i went but in ceremony it's like i've never been as happy as i was while i was in them... Each ceremony my mind would think there's nothing that can beat this ceremony this has to be the best ceremony i'll ever have... but each one kept getting better and better. Again people next to me would mention how my energy was affecting them by being next to me... it was as if new people would find their way to lay next to me to see what it felt like... lol There was a day when we did a day hike on the land and I know he and I finally made our way next to each other to get some one on one time. I was amused because I'm so short compared to him and he's like a giant. I felt like it was easy for me to move around the jungle with my height, but I could see the extra effort he had to do to get around. He scraped his back on a fallen tree he was trying to duck under. There was a few us that ended up getting bees stuck in our hair. I can't remember if he was the one that ran into it or not... lol... maybe because he's so tall but anyway these bees are burrowing bees so it felt like they were trying to burrow into your skull... I was so high on life that I was laughing about it and just slowly trying to remove them from my hair and everyone was helping each other out so it didn't take long. but our guide said that stories say that if you encounter these bees unexpectedly it a sign of fertility soon. During this day I knew he was gaining more interest in me and he was trying to get to know me a little more personally. When I was going through these experiences again my mind was like how is this possible... what's really going on? and who in the hell is this guy? My approach at that time is to keep my distance and observe.... I'm not going to approach him let me see if he wants to approach me or not... this could all just be in my head. But I started to get confirmation that at least there's a mutual attraction going on. We all gathered into a boat to ride down the river... again we wanted to be close but not too close... everyone had their cameras out recording and taking pictures of the beauty we found ourselves in. All of a sudden the guide picked out monkeys... it's the guides land and so he's been building a relationship with these monkey... lol... i had a nickname the jungle man for him... not too inventive but still... lol... he started to call to him with the noises... I'm recording all of this they are making their way through the trees and all of a sudden they're climbing down the trees to enter our boat. and the guide was already passing out bananas for us to feed them...i wasn't even aware of it because i was looking through the view of my camera and I didn't want to miss the opportuinity to capture footage of my first monkeys in their natural habitat.. and then they are right next to us... sitting on our laps moving from one to another... climbing on our bodies and shoulders to get from one place to another... one ended up sitting next to the ledge by me and i was able to pet him and just touch him sending out vibes of safety and love. There was another monkey that started to fall and I caught him before he hit anything.. they were wrapping around our bodies with their long tails... it was just absolutely amazing! So I have my camera trying to capture it all and I also found myself trying to get some footage of him during this experience but again not trying to linger long and being too obvious of my attraction towards him. I still have the footage and I caught him recording me and he was kind of in awe of me and then caught himself... and went back to engaging with everything going on. After a while we ended up in a large open area of the river and the guide pointed out the pink dolphins... I'm hunting around with my camera trying to capture footage of them. He stopped the boat to see if anyone was interested in swimming. I knew I wanted to... I looked at him to see if he was going to dive in or not.. and we were checking out what we were going to decide... we didn't bring swimsuits we'd just have to go in with what we had on. Actually maybe we did have swimsuits on... i think he had his swim shorts on and maybe i had one on under my clothes. I don't remember removing my clothes I just looked at him and I started taking off my boots and he did too and we just dove into the water. It's so refreshing to swim in the river. Every morning during the retreat I would swim in the river while everyone was still sleeping... I'd do it before I would do some yoga and breathing techniques until it was breakfast time. Any way... I wasn't swimming with him... i was enjoying how much I love to swim and because of how everything was going I thought maybe the pink dolphins would come and swim with us... lol... they didn't but it was so nice... everything was so right We ended up on a sandy beach where we docked and allowed everyone to walk around. We were all so peaceful and happy... As I was walking, I found a few fish bones that I recognized the female shaman using in her jewelry. I found three of them and so i figured i'd give them to her so she can use them. I did when we returned. We don't speak the same language so I was telling her to make her jewelry with what I found and left it at that. The fourth ceremony is a little hazy to me now. I remember before we started he came to lay next to me but not right next to me. He had a space for someone to lay between us. I remember chuckling and said it's much safer to not be next to me. If you're next to me it could be dangerous... lol... he laughed and said I like a little danger... and I commented that might be what you say now... But the most of what I remember is feeling like I was a caterpillar in it's cocoon transforming. I had a vision of a swampy unhealthy location which was a symbol of my digestive system. I need to change my behavior of what i'm allowing myself to consume. I wasn't too outwardly active. This was definitely my own internal ceremony. I believe I even fell asleep for a while in my little cocoon. I was hardly sleeping while I was there. I didn't sleep in my bed except for the last night... I'd always try to sleep for a while in the maloka...the ceremonial room. Usually there were two other girls that would sleep there with me. I had so much energy that my sleep wouldn't last long and I'd make my way to the river for my routine while I was there. The two girls were roommates back in Utah.. They are amazing women and there's so much i'm leaving out because I'm just trying to recall the gist of my experience with this Spiritual man. One of the girls mentioned one time after her ceremony during our group discussions... that she saw two of the guests together in the ceremony...I heard her, but I didn't know she was talking to me. It could've been any of us. After the retreat and we were back into the main city to leave did she end up confronting me about it. She knew it was me and she knew it was him. She said we were snakes entangling ourselves around a staff moving upwards. It was like we were a living caduceus. She also said that she and i were building a green temple together. The female shaman gave me my bones back in necklace form... I was so surprised... I didn't know she thought I wanted her to make me necklaces from what I found. I loved them though and it felt really special to me. I had three and so I kept one and I knew I wanted to give him one, and I had another friend who I was building a good relationship with... he's actually the one i was singing the Icaros towards in the second ceremony. So I gave him the last one. When I gave it to my Spiritual lover, he accepted it with an open heart. When he tried it on though it was too small... so I had to try to explain to the female shaman that I needed her to extend it... using sign language techniques and pointing at him... she understood. And now we've come to the fifth ceremony the final ceremony of this retreat. He decided it's time to be next to me in ceremony. I was excited and nervous at the same time... This is where I'm starting to feel a little hesitation. I want to not be ashamed and embarrassed. Early I said there are things in my past that I thought was embarrassing but I have healed those already... but as my mind had time to continue processing I knew there were things still in my memory that I'm embarrassed and ashamed of I haven't healed. But I realize there's nothing to be ashamed of because it just happened to be where my state of consciousness was and I didn't know any better. This spiritual man.... because it's so fantastical is something that makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed of expressing to others. I've tried to express them with friends and family and because of their state of consciousness and their experiences... there's no way that could be happening to me... i'm just hallucinating. In fact this spiritual man was the one that told me these are "just visions in the jungle" There's nothing deeper than that. I was confident in some of my messages during ceremony... especially when they dealt with only me... like the digestive cleansing and also somehow naturally having shamanic abilities. But the rest especially dealing with him I wasn't so confident in. I would allow them to convince or at least put doubt in me that I was looking at it all wrong. but also there's another part that remembers how clearly I was understanding the situation during ceremony... so powerfully and with certainty that I couldn't ignore either. There was definitely this back and forth battle I was dealing with. He and I have been in contact since these first ceremonies and let me tell you it wasn't what i expected. And I know it makes him uncomfortable expressing my curiosity towards him. At first he was caught in the flow of it all and then when he returned back into his "real life" away from ceremony... it was apparent that our experience was just a result of hallucinations and fake feelings and emotions we shared, but in real life this cannot continue. These are not his words these are my interpretation of what he was expressing to me. But again why am I hesitant to continue... because he's a private man. He's been recording spiritual podcasts since he returned from the ceremonies and at one time he was with a group that showed their faces. He however placed a virtual figure over himself as if he was wearing a mask so others couldn't see who his true identity is. What is he hiding from others and himself? Why am I concerned that he's going to be upset if I continue to share our experience with the collective? Who's going to read this anyway? As far as I know from how he's spoken to me... we just happen to be friendly with each other from time to time. I'm just some girl he had a few good times with, but I'm out there... I'm crazy and intense... my life experience is completely different from his own... and he can't or doesn't want to understand that. (What he thinks about me is from his judgements on me... he doesn't want to confirm the truth by actually getting to know me.) We're from two different countries and he's not ready to have a serious relationship... with someone long distance... or maybe never at all. (I had experienced polyamorous relationships before and I remember asking him if that's an option because I don't want him to stop wanting to share relationsips with other people if he wants to, but I'd like to get to know him better and would like to start a relationship with him that involves sharing feelings about his and my experiences) She might be sweet and spiritual, but her understanding of spirituality is whoo-whoo... it's not a true in-depth search into spirituality. (He is so closed minded about the "proper" way to do spirituality... in fact because he doesn't have an open mind in this area... it's hard to be attracted to him) I also think he assumes I'm interested in him for his money... I literally didn't even think about his money... i didn't care what money he has... that wasn't anything I cared about when I'm looking for a romantic partner. In fact I usually stayed cleared of men with money because i felt ashamed that i was poor. When I started to get the picture, he had a good job and probably made decent money i could hear my insecurities welling up inside me. But because of the intensity of the messages, I was trying to overcome that insecurity to give it a chance. Am I still attached to the words he expressed to me now? Maybe a little because I remember it affecting me. But what do you know now about this situation? I know I wasn't conscious and neither was he. Can i blame myself or him for not being conscious... no it's just how it is... we don't know until we know. Am I conscious? yes... but i know my consciousness will continue to mature, but there does seem to be a huge shift of what being conscious means. Is he conscious? he is, but he hasn't hit the huge shift yet... but I know he will continue to mature too. I get confirmations all the time of this during ceremonies. But I can read his behavior and hear the words he speaks to determine his level of consciousness and I can confirm in my direct experience that it's not attractive, regardless of the messages I've received... of course there's a desire to attract when it's time and with patience which again is ever present in my messages... but in my direct experience it is not now. Just because he's not fully attractive to me at this time... does it mean that I should reveal what he would consider secrets? NO... I want him to trust me... I am trust-worthy... it doesn't matter i'm ready to expose myself completely... he is not ready... I feel i would need his permission. I respect him and our relationship. Alright I've decided to not continue with all the details. I'm just trying to build up an understanding of how much he means to me. I thought after the first trip to Peru it would stop when I had ceremonies without him. I joked with him when I was returning for my second round... that maybe the spell he cast on me will be broken... it was a joke but i was also curious what these rounds of ceremonies would reveal. Short and simple... it didn't stop it just deepens. I get messages in my dreams and even while I'm doing art at times. It just continues.. I got sidetracked because I was trying to really talk about the moment I thought the physical world was going to collapse or dissolve around me. The moment I made unconscious decisions because I didn't know any better. These moments that afterwards I was ashamed and embarrassed of because I can ask myself... why didn't you know better? how could you have done this or allow others to do that to you? I didn't know what I didn't know... and I was unconscious and others were unconscious too. Do I need to go through all the details to purge it out? No I don't think so... I think I can pick out the moments of memory that is still holding me back and purge it out myself. I know I have been getting a feeling that I don't have to share everything so openly. Which is really hard for me I want to be open and vulnerable... but I'm getting a deeper understanding that the conscious level of the collective isn't ready to support me with my experiences. Because of their judgements it will affect me. Instead of me processing and trying to manifest... if I tell more people the more they will influence the process. If they don't agree or if they are negative with what I express then... it's just going to be more of a challenge for me. If i can keep it to myself or run into people who understand then it's going to be easier to manifest. The collective conscious affects me and I affect the collective consciousness. Recalling this first thought of death... I had to overcome that fear to experience it... and that's when the huge shift happened in my life. If I'm still remembering or even having future visions of the physical world dissapearing still... is it really scary? It's not really scary to me because I know that there is no finality... there's no end... there's no completion... these words were created to find a way to communicate concepts... but these words don't actually describe existence. Maybe it's not the fear of it going to happen... but it's the fear that I have visions I want to create in this aspect of experiencing this physical world that I want to experience before I transition to whatever is next. But I know how safe I am... I know how ultimately loving and patient this infinitely intelligent consciousness we are is... it's always helping me to ready to be ready to be ready... and so when i'm ready to have the physical world dissolve... I'll be ready for it... for now my fear is the powerful opportunity I have, and I want to be more conscious, so the appreciation is not being lost to be less conscious. I want to be my highest potential... and I am at the degree of my development of consciousness. My potential will continue to increase but i'm going to stop shaming myself and others from their past decisions or even their current decisions. I'm not going to be embarrassed there's nothing to be embarrassed about. We are living in perfection... which again may seem chaotic, but really its infinitely intelligent and I don't need to force or shame existence. It's what's teaching me truth. I'm going to allow it to guide me.