withinUverse

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About withinUverse

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  • Birthday 02/11/1982

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  1. “Through all of my lives I never thought I'd wait so long for you The timing is right The stars are aligned So save that heart for me Cause girl (boy) you know that you're my destiny Swear to the moon, the stars The sons, and the daughters Our love is deeper than the oceans of water Hey, I need you now I've waited oh so long yeah Baby love, I need you now I've waited oh so long” This song “Past Lives” by Borns is going over and over in my head. If you want to check it out you can listen to it Here on Youtube… enjoy! So… I’ve got this festival coming up at the end of the month… and I’ve been inviting friends to come and volunteer. I don’t know if anyone will be able to make it for the actual festival but my friend from Sweden will be arriving a few days after. We spoke a few days ago and showed me the location where he’s staying at in Columbia. It’s a really sweet little village… well not so little but still a beautiful location. He was trying to rub it in how he’s in paradise… paradise for me can look many ways, but seeing all the fruit trees did trigger a desire to eat some sweet fruits… Hawaii will have many opportunities for some fresh fruits… sounds amazing. I was trying to let him know what the rules are for being a volunteer at the temple and he seemed to feel like there wouldn’t be an issue. Eating vegetarian and no caffeine and volunteering 24 hours during the week wasn’t a problem for him. I was saying that I was trying to find people to host him so it’s like recruiting Couchsurfing hosts without them actually being involved with Couchsurfing before. I told him how I’m at the guest house but most volunteers will stay at the cabin with the owners. The guest house is usually reserved for the performers for the festival, guests who are willing to pay around fifty bucks per night, or if the cabin of volunteers is full. I spoke to an older gentleman who I find I chat with every Sunday. He came over Sunday after service to hangout and I mentioned it to him and he’s going to think about it. He said he has an older home and probably won’t be the ideal location. I said it’s not a big deal if he doesn’t feel comfortable to host… I just said that he likes to go on short hikes in the mountains in the surrounding area which would might be nice to join him with some good companions with interesting conversations. He was more interested in going on some little adventures more than anything. He use to travel all over the desert while he was young and more nibble. We were talking about navigation and he mentioned that he really never needed to use a map and compass because somehow he just never would get lost. It didn’t matter if he tried to because he would just be able to see the landscape and remember how to get in and out regardless of how many twists and turns. I hung out with two friends who I’ve really been enjoying our conversations when they come to eat on Saturdays. I went over to their house and met their two sweet rescue dogs. Pippa and Perry… oh my goodness they’re so adorable! Pippa wants all the attention and loving while Perry is timid and wants love but is very hesitant with a lot of attention. Perry has a perfectly marked heart on his body which I guess most people notice right away like myself. These guys are really comfortable for me. They say they’re more on the introverted side but I haven’t had any issue having deep conversations with them. They took me on a walk along the river walk which was really nice. I was asking them more about their histories growing up in a Mormon community. It was interesting what they have to say while they were growing up and going to school in this type of community. We discussed the positive and negative effects being involved with this history. They invited me for tea afterwards… they’ve started a selection of teas to enjoy. I had a combination of Hibiscus, Lemon balm, and Comfrey. They love plants and know quite a bit of information about them. I’ve always thought it was cool how they forage for “mountain salad”. Yes… I’m looking forward to building relationships with them. The current volunteers have been asking to hangout and play uno… normally I say yes, but lately I’ve been wanting to have more own space or maybe distancing myself with specific people. I’ve been enjoying challenging my mind with sewing projects and allowing my mind to ruminate over the grant. So I’m still trying to find the words to describe what I’m trying to create that is professional and organized while not being so airy-fairy and all over the place… hehe. I’ve been reaching out to the people I know that is going to be involved whether I get their consent to list their names or if I should list them as anonymous. Most of them have given me their consent; however, there are a few on the list that I haven’t asked them for consent but I know I want to involve them… but listing them as anonymous is rewarding as well because I know they’ll come on board eventually but whenever they choose is the right time for them will be the right time for us. It seems like the most cherished in my life are on that anonymous list…and are still my significant teachers and supporters… and I have the most patience with to allow them the space and time to see if they can find themselves and their visions would be able to be weaved into the projects I’m creating. I’m just really excited but very calm at the same time… I’ve got my sewing machine calling my name… so I’m going to get off here and finish up my projects. Until next time… enjoy yourself!
  2. Alright… it’s been a good break and I’m starting to have things happening in my life that I feel would be beneficial to share… to see if I can gain any insights through the journaling process. So where to begin… well… I guess I can write about the things that are coming up within a month. So the grant proposal that I’m working on is going to be due a little over a month and I’m getting excited as I’m clarifying the vision for the next two years. And I’m trying to hint what will come after. But I also have started preparing my little buddy to travel to Hawaii… we’ll go in next week for his titer blood withdraw so he will be allowed to enter Hawaii again. I have a friend who is from Sweden who is coming to the States for the first time and it’s getting me excited yet there are things that are coming up that I think I want to address first. Yeah… I’ll start here and see where it goes. So I met him in Peru during a Couchsurfing situation. He owned a home that he used as a hotel and when there were empty rooms he would allow Couchsurfer come and enjoy the area and that’s how I met him. I feel like I’ve mentioned this before. I remember when I was there and the night I was going to go and meet him… I was finishing up ceremonies and I remember how excited I was to meet him… there was a weird occurrence which seemed similar to a ceremonial feeling and I didn’t really understand why I was so excited to meet him. I just want to be frank but I had a feeling that he was a potential romantic partner. Even though I am extremely drawn to the Australian man… I still have tendencies to be open to polyamorous situations… so at the time I was wondering if he was connect to the Aussie in some way. It didn’t turn out to be that but still we had a great time together but was very brief. We’ve been communicating off and on ever since and he’s decided that he wanted to meet me in person again this year. And last week we pretty much officially started making plans for him to come here for the first time. This is the first time hosting someone where I am not in my own location. Usually when people come to visit and I host I can take time off and show them around and spend majority of my time to share with them. In the situation I’m in.. I don’t know if I will be able to make that happen. I’m already getting on the ball and talking to people and seeing what options we might have. So right now he is working remotely and so he would be working during the mornings. If he decides to stay with me at the temple as a volunteer then he would need to work hours in the evening to stay here on property. So it doesn’t sound like the ideal situation for him on his first visit here. So we’re going to be talking again in the next few days to see if we can find different arrangements… but I’m starting to see if there is anyone here who could host him for short periods of time so he won’t have to be working all the time and will have options to be able to explore this beautiful state while he’s here to visit. I’ve been seeing myself getting protective of his comfort level. I was talking to a friend here and he asked me if I feel like I need to protect him? And I find that I do find myself feeling this way for some reason. What really am I feeling? So… when I’m in situations that aren’t necessarily ideal… it doesn’t really bother me. Putting myself in uncomfortable situations helps me grow and see where the areas I can work on. And I have been building skills of detachment and acceptance that uncomfortable environments aren’t an issue for me. BUT when I have someone I care about who wants to come into the same situations is when I really start to questions whether this is a space that is really a place I’d like them to experience. So I am very appreciative of the temple experience I have here… there are many positive aspects, but also there are some aspects that aren’t ideal and I feel like if I can find alternative options than… that would be best to have options. So yes I’m going to go ahead and address this as well. Now again I’m grateful and respect what I’ve been able to gain in this experience; however, there are aspects that aren’t ideal. When visiting this temple the initial impression can be very impressive and status and reputation is important for the owners here. So they have high expectations on how they are being perceived from guests… but there are things that seem to be missing. So maybe it’s not missing but what I would be able to bring into a situation is probably what I look for when I visit locations. So I guess the first thing is there is lacking warmth here. I come into situations wanting to be warm and friendly and open to conversations and that isn’t necessarily what guests get here when they visit. Many of the regulars who are here have been here on this property almost on their own little island and very comfortable to allowing people to come and go as they please… but not really taking the time to get to know the people who do become attracted to come and visit. I have a personality who wants to give quality personal service and hospitality… I also really appreciate the people who come into my awareness in this life… so I want all to be welcome and I am curious who is interested in coming at this time. So in my perception I feel that I was judged when I first came here. I had to give referrals to be able to even volunteer here on a weekly basis. Many volunteers come and go here and referrals were not needed for anyone else that I know of… at least not since I’ve been here on property. I’ve been enjoying my time to get to know the volunteers who have decided to live here for a few weeks… and many regulars seem to not want to get to know them to personal degrees and it makes me wonder why that is? I seem to want to build relationships beyond the near future… I guess many of the people I meet develop deeper the longer we allow our relationships grow. Yes there are many times that many people I meet I don’t build relationships with but many do evolve… so that’s why I try my best to give the opportunity for the relationship to develop. What is it that I really don’t want my friend to experience here? Dismissiveness and disrespect…. This is probably my concern for him to feel this way from the people he would meet here. I’m sure he’s had experiences like this in his life, but I guess when it comes to me recommending and introducing a location and community that this wouldn’t be a part of the experience. But again this isn’t my temple so it’s not that I’ve built this mentality and brand so I shouldn’t feel like I am responsible for how this has been developing here. But I have met people who are attentive and respectful and curious about people’s ideas and interests… that’s where I’m trying to find ways for him to be able to spend time with these people. Geesh… I wonder if he really should be visiting me at this time. I am getting so excited to have him here, but also I wish I was a bit more prepared to host someone at this time. There’s an area that I’m avoiding… there’s a few aspects that I’m avoiding which I’m noticing that I’m doing and I’m wondering why I’m doing this? Why am I being hesitant to saying what is really going on in my mind at this time? I know I love to use journaling to purge out my thoughts but I also feel like many will not understand this process if they haven’t done it for themselves. I want to purge and it’s so beneficial… but when I get into the purging process it sounds so unbalanced and so it’s a one sided story and many will not be able to intuit that there is more than what I’m purging about that is going on here. But damn it… that’s why I got on here was to purge…so.. it is what it is, right? So I’ve been here at the temple… again I cannot explain how grateful I have been to be here for the last few months and I plan on continuing the help here until the festival at the end of the month and even the clean up through mid April…. By then I’ll be preparing to head to Hawaii to visit my family but also explore Hawaii in a the way I haven’t been able to do but I’m ready this time. So… I was hesitant to come here because I knew that my style of Spirituality isn’t necessarily accepted here. I am trying my best to be respectful, but I do find that I’m finding more people who come to visit and we start talking about Spirituality and my story comes out. I’m also writing my grant proposal which also involves Awakening practices and so it’s just so very present in my awareness… and I really don’t know if it will not be there. I don’t know if I ever want to lose this connection anyway… i don’t think it’s possible. But anyway… I’ve been getting challenged to speak my truth. I have been holding in a lot of expression to the regulars and owners of this temple. I’ve been able to express with guests, but for some reason this isn’t as fulfilling as wanting to address this to the owners. Why? Friends of mind are saying they are older and set in their ways… there’s nothing you can say which will make them change their minds and ways… so stop dwelling over it. I’m trying my best to not dwell but the more I hear their teachings the more things well up inside and thankfully I’ve had friends able to allow me space to purge but I also wonder if I’m really going to be here for three months and not saying my truth? I share a similar purpose of raising consciousness towards liberation or Awakening or whatever it means when we develop our consciousness to be in direct communication with the divine through everyday life. I know we all are working our way to this but is it really up to me to address this to them at this time? Do they really think of me as someone they want to build a relationship with and work together in the future as well? I would definitely be open for this… but the relationship wouldn’t be how it’s here at the moment. It’s very one-sided and I’d like to build a mutual relationship and more reciprocal. If reciprocation is not present… do I really need to be patient with the relationship until it’s ready to be? Geesh…. As I’m writing about this… this is bringing up romantic relationships as well… I feel like I’ve been noticing how much I’ve been wanting to run away and avoid… with my friend from Sweden coming to visit… it’s been exciting but challenging. I’m afraid what might happen when he comes to visit. What I’m afraid of is actually if anything starts to become romantic. I haven’t allowed myself to experience this in many years and it really seems that I’ve been transforming so much that it was an entirely different person who used to have romantic relationships. There have been times when romance and actually sexual aspects are introduced into my life… and it can be challenging and exciting. It’s exciting when there is a mutual curiosity and challenging when it’s not mutual. My friend and I are mutually curious about each other… and I’m trying to be open to see where are relationship can go. I deeply feel we’ll have a great friendship bond…. But is there any romantic feelings? I feel like I don’t really know him deeply enough.. but because I’ve kept myself away from romantic relationships I wonder what I will do if this is introduced to who I am right now. I tried to flirt with the Aussie a few weeks ago and it seemed like it went right over his head. And really I felt like I was being quite crude with my attempt to flirt and I’m laughing at myself about how out of practice I am for attracting romantic conversations. It’s so weird when we message each other… it seems like we’re both trying to be casual and cool yet ultimately awkward… lol… but I also feel he’s going through a lot of introspection work on his business aspects. He is not happy and I know he wants to make changes… it’s just so tricky to actually make changes. So I’m sure this is not the appropriate time to cheer him up or let him know that he’s got so much going on for him then his work. Especially when he’s in a space of brooding. Run away and avoid?? There seems like there are changes coming up and I feel like I’m trying to give excuses to keep distance from people. A part of me wants to give opportunities for him to not come and visit with me. I asked him if he really knows how unusual I am… and how challenging it can be to be around me. I know how to seem normal, but normal isn’t really who I am. He chuckled and said that he’s well aware of this and that’s why he wants to get to know me more and is interested in hanging out with me. I haven’t really let him know what I’m planning for the next few years… so he thinks that I’m just really going with the flow and so he’s been entertaining ideas to have us go to Argentina or go traveling through Europe in a camper van. As I am writing this grant… again clarity has been increasing and I am not interested in doing this at this time. I have visions that cannot come out of my mind… and I’m getting more and more confident that I’m starting to see the path to getting these visions into manifestation. It’s been weird… I’ve been sewing some new clothes to wear in Hawaii and as I’ve been sitting here the last few days I’ve been getting dejavú. There something I’m trying to remember in this moment…. There are feeling that seem similar to when I was in Peru last time. At first it seems like my paranoia that came over me when I was in solo sessions. Is this why I’m being so critical of the temple? I was laughing at myself because I thought maybe they might be wanting to sabotage me in some way… I’m wondering why would they even care to do this? But it came into my thoughts. When I remember my paranoia in the solo sessions it lead me to where I needed to learn, but also I saw how extremely dramatic I took it and had to take time to relax and not go to so many extremes. I tried to remember when I leave this temple if we are happy… dejavú is a working process with me… and it felt like I remember at least two people here that are regulars who seem to be so similar that I knew I would meet them… but I was trying to see if I could remember if we end this time together was a happy situation and not something crazy… hehe… There is another time in Peru that is coming up at this time as well… I went to Cusco and I was at a hostel and I knew that my cat and I were not going to be there long and that they were going to ask us to leave soon… and that’s a feeling I have right now as well. And I keep wondering if this is a future vision of what’s going to happen… or is it something that happens because I’m thinking it’s going to happen? I remember when I was in Peru as much as I was trying to relax and not think about this going to happen… it was still in my thought and yes… it happened. And I’ve been getting thoughts literally today during service as if some people walk up to me and escort me to leave. I kept looking at the people who were entering to see if they were gong to approach me. Again this paranoia feeling is happening and it’s something I”m dealing with which isn’t something I’d like to have in my experience, but I feel I’m going to be learning what this is and how I respond and why I respond this way. I think that’s why I came on here to write about it. My mind is going in ways that seems to be quite unrealistic. But honestly it’s not too unbelievable either. Escort me out of the building? Why? What have I done or will do to have someone want to escort me? It’s crazy because I have been entertaining the idea to stop living here on property and just volunteer on Saturdays for the llamas and help with the festival, but allow more time for me to focus on the grant and spend time with my friend. But this week during my volunteer hours went so well… I loved spending the time with the guests that came to visit. We all were having a great time sharing our energies with one another… and many stayed hours with me… and it was hard to want to leave these opportunities to connect with amazing people. There were children and pet connections that happened this week which I loved. The first was with an eleven month year old boy who I found us crawling and rolling around the floor together while his parents got the time to enjoy their meal together. They were taking video and pictures of us because they said that he usually doesn’t act this way with people… and they loved watching how we are interacting with one another. Well… I was in heaven loving on this little one. There was a four year girl who came with her mother on another day… it seemed like the mother wanted to be able to talk with the priest at our temple… so I was able to entertain the daughter to give mom some personal time… but we all sat down and played and talked and again it was very enjoyable. There were two guys who I love talking with and it was a very slow evening so I got to spend a long conversation with them… and I’m really looking forward to get to know them more… I’m hoping we might all get the chance to hangout this Tuesday on my day off. And then the last day there was a couple who came in with one of their pet bunnies. They said it was a mix of a dwarf Netherland and lion head… I think that’s what it’s called…and his name is Babycakes… too cute! Yeah… I really enjoy being with the guests and it seems like they enjoy me as well… so I’m not sure why anyone would like to escort me out of this situation? Why would I think someone is trying to get me? Might not get me, but want to do harm to me? And what’s weird it’s not like I”m really feeling afraid or paranoid… how do I explain this. I just am getting a feeling that there might be something that might happen…. But I feel like I’m calm and be able to experience this is a very relaxed manner. I haven’t done anything wrong.. so why get upset? lol… why is this going on in my mind? It is so I’ll express it…. I guess these are areas of shadow work that I will be addressing at this time. I don’t feel the flow that comes when I’d be getting some answers from journaling so… I’ll wrap this up. But we’ll see if I can get back into the flow in a few days… see how I can get back in to the journaling flow. For now… I’m getting a bit sleepy and looking forward to getting some rest. Oh the two guys who I hope to hang out with on Tuesday… they have given me some tea to help get some rest. My mind seems to be more active right now.. so it should assist. I’m not sure I see any benefits, but I still appreciate them sharing this with me… and I’ll see how affective with more usage. But ok… until next time.
  3. Alright… so I’ve been thinking about writing a proposal.. right now for a research project and/or documentary. I’ve gotten into this space a few times and I feel it coming on strong. So it’s time to explore more about the details of what I’m trying to create. This process doesn’t mean it’s going to happen step by step, but it does help clarify what is in my mind. I found it interesting this Sunday service because when I was listening to the husband this evening… it was interesting to hear a little bit about how they started building this Temple here in the middle of Mormon state USA… they seemed to have similar draw to just take steps and not having everything planned out but to trust how it unfolds will be how it unfolds.. so it confirms to me that what I’m led to proceed forward with is not something that is impossible. It’s very possible and I’m so much more calmed down from my first time experiencing messages. It’s time to take another look at this time and see where it leads. I’m debating how much I’m going to be sharing in this Journal. I’d like to be able to do pretty much everything on here… but again I’m hesitant because I know how strong the collective energy is and if there’s a lot of energy that is not supportive, then it will have effects. But it also can go the other way as well. So let’s just see where this goes and I’ll figure out if it’s the right thing to do to document this on here… or if I need to just go back to my pen and paper and do it like I’m used to doing. So… where to begin? Do I begin with the research proposal or documentary proposal? I don’t have the credentials for a researcher; however, I do want to participate in this experiment directly and I want to be able to record it. So… I guess I think I am going to start with the research first. So I’ve taken a look at how to write a research paper. I’ll just go ahead and pick one that I’ve seen and just go with it. So… let’s see which one to do first. I’ll start with research.com… why not… so here’s the website Bouchrika, Imed. “How to Write a Research Proposal in 2024: Structure, Examples & Common Mistakes“. Research.com. https://research.com/research/how-to-write-a-research-proposal. January 2, 2024. Accessed January 7, 2024. “This article aims to describe the common steps taken to prepare a written proposal as attractively as possible to achieve approval and/or funding. It also seeks to discuss key aspects that must be considered to help ensure that you can convert your proposed study into well-conducted actual research work (Bouchrika).” ”At this stage, it is good to ask these preparatory questions to help you steer your research in the right direction: What is the topic I want to study? Why is it worthwhile to study it? What practical or valuable problems will it help solve? How does it build upon—and possibly improve—existing research already done about the topic? (For students:) How is it important within the subject areas covered in the course/program? What are the specific tasks that I must plan to do? Can I get those tasks done within the time and resources available? Generally, a compelling background and significance in research proposal will manifest if it effectively captures your knowledge about the topic and shows your deep interest to conduct the research. Handle it with the purpose of making your readers engaged about the study and what the outcomes will be (Bouchrika).” ok… let’s start asking and answering this suggestions from Bouchrika. Topic I want to study? So this is about Spirituality of course. I want to study this approach that I have found myself in. Traditional religious practices is common and accepted by majority of society; however, when it comes to psychedelics as a spiritual practice or tool there seems to be many opinions… mostly as not a valid way to practice. However, there is a growing awareness from a group of people who have found in their own practice as valid. The issue that I think I want to really focus on is what I’ve been finding as I speak with traditional religious practitioners… there’s a huge reliance on reading scriptures to gain spiritual understanding. Which I can see as something that is helpful, but in my opinion not the best practice for spiritual understanding. We are not understanding that the level of our conscious development depends on the depth of understanding. Direct experience is king… hehe… I think Leo Gura had said this… oh man… referencing and sourcing the words that come out of my head is going to be a tricky one.. hehe.. I’ll try my best. But in my experience I can validate that statement. I know people are gaining an understanding that psychedelics can be used for entheogenic experiences. Ok… here’s another citation… and it looks like this website will be able to give me more literature to cite in specific topics… so here’s another website: “Entheogen.” ScienceDirect. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/neuroscience/entheogen. Accessed January 7, 2024. They highlighted a definition at the top of the website… “An entheogen has also been defined as “any substance that, when ingested, catalyzes or generates an altered state of consciousness deemed to have spiritual significance.” From: Toxicology in Antiquity (Second Edition), 2019 Hehe… we are just going to be referencing one another over and over again… hehe.. but I guess this is how we do when doing research. After this… it has many articles that use the word “entheogen.” As I glance through the ones on the first page… I love the fact it states ancient practices and religions who use entheogens… and how there’s going to be an increase in research in these areas to come. So…. I have been wondering who is already trying to do studies in these topics. So which one is talking about research increasing? Let me take a look at it… well… there seems to be a few that catches my eye.. one at a time. “Building Bridges Between Neuroscience and the Humanities” Brick Johnstone, Daniel Cohen, inNeuroscience, Selflessness, and Spiritual Experience, 2019 “Although controversial, future research is likely to include increasing exploration of psychoactive substances, what scholars of religion have referred to as “entheogens,” namely, different plant substances, like mescaline, peyote, or ayahuasca, that have been used in different cultures. It is noted that plant entheogens have been used for centuries in indigenous religions throughout the world to enhance spiritual experiences. While some scholars of religion have argued that chemically induced experiences are entirely “artificial” (e.g., Zaehner, 1957), others have stated that they can produce genuine divine or cosmic connections (e.g., Huxley, 1954). The well-respected scholar of religions Huston Smith (1964) long ago asserted that a failure to explore the connection between psychoactive substances and spiritual experiences would be akin to theologians’ refusal to look through Galileo’s telescope because they worried it might change their ideas of humanity’s place in the (divine) universe. To ignore these topical territories and the subjective experiences of countless individuals would be to lose access to an important area of research and understanding about the human experience. As William James clearly understood over a century ago, … there lie potential forms of consciousness entirely different. We may go through life without suspecting their existence … No account of the universe in its totality can be final which leaves these other forms of consciousness quite disregarded. How to regard them is the question—for they are so discontinuous with ordinary consciousness. (James, 1902, p. 298)” (Johnstone and Cohen). “Psychology and Religion.” R.W. Hood Jr., in Encyclopedia of Human Behavior (Second Edition), 2012 Entheogens Among psychologists of religion, entheogen has become the preferred term for chemicals such as psilocybin that are psychoactive drugs that have profound effects on consciousness. Researchers have long noted that naturally occurring entheogens have been used by religious groups such as the Native America peyote cults to facilitate religious and spiritual experiences. The use of entheogens to facilitate mystical experience or a sense of union with God or a larger reality have produced some of the most frequently cited textbook cases of true experimental research in the psychology of religion. Set and setting have been documented to be important factors in facilitating positive experiences and a religious interpretation of them. Denominational opposition to chemically facilitated experiences is well documented, making research using religiously committed participants difficult. (Hood Jr.) So yes… hehe… how do I get involved with this type of research, because this is what I would like to do. I’m not sure I want to do their own research projects which is probably very structured but invite them into the style that I would like to explore. Which might not be considered actual research hehe… but that’s where I do want to get into the area that it could be used as a study project. Ok… so back to the question about the topic… entheogenic experiences but personally artistic flow is also a spiritual practice that is very impactful for myself as well. Dance, Instruments, Singing, Artwork such as drawing and painting… these are spiritual practices as well… again.. I feel this connects to indigenous spiritual practices as well… so.. this could go on and on… hehe… I feel that I’m interested in sacred spaces as well but Nature is sacred spaces too… so my topic seems to be wide… How can I condense it? Would it be combining indigenous spiritual practices to the modern consciousness? But not all the spiritual practices are indigenous… hmm… ha honestly I want the topic is to explore enlightenment practices. I’d like to see if the practices that I’ve happened to use for myself will help others as well. I’m actively involved with the Krishna Consciousness devotees and that’s what they are trying to do. Why couldn’t I try it as well? How many enlightened souls have come out of this particular Temple? They’ve been here for twenty years… have they had one? Are the ones who are leading this enlightened themselves? How successful are they? And even if they’re not successful… they’re still allowed to try. Why not other practices? That’s the thing… I want all of these practices to be successful.. but I only know the techniques I’ve been drawn to use… and I too want to see if it will be effective for some. Geesh… I feel if I have twenty years… I feel I’d at least get one. Hehe… when it comes to actualized.org… I wonder how many of Leo’s followers have been Awakened? He’s been doing this for around ten years… I don’t even think quite that long… but how many are his numbers? Four? That might be a good guess but I really don’t know… I’m curious to know if Leo has an idea actually. He mentions that he’s met other Enlightened ones… some who might have helped him as well. That’s what we want to do is help each other to Awaken. So… is there a way I can get support to give it a go? Well… I know I have support from Infinite Intelligence… hehe… of course it might not be as successful as I’d hope it to be… but who cares? It will help me learn how to adjust and learn. There’s a difference to my style of approach as well. I’ve been finding that I continue to mention that I’m not an open door policy. While most traditional religions somewhat are. So there is many people who can come in and participate. The thing is the congregation doesn’t necessarily have a personal relationship with the priest. I do want a personal relationship with the ones I’m working with. I mean that also makes me different from Leo’s approach as well. He has a Forum… but aren’t there rules not to use this space to meet with other people here? I was wondering if this is something I just made up or if I had read this somewhere on the rules. Let me check real quick… Yes… there is no recruiting for meetups in our city, private groups, things of this nature… hehe.. Ok that makes sense for this forum… but again… when it comes to my journey… being engaged one on one is something that I want to share with the people I’m working with. I just don’t have a sign that says… hey everyone and anyone wants to try this out? Come on in… hehe… I’m more like… umm… let’s see where we are together. I’m far more discerning these days… hehe. Well… I guess this audience isn’t potential team members then? Most of my team members are who I’ve ran into personally anyways… but I do feel like I want to see if I can get a hold of some researchers and see who is open to talk to me one on one. I’m curious who I’m going to reach out to. I chuckle because I remember reaching out to a few people after my solo sessions…hehe… I was so excited yet ungrounded that I’m sure I was a crazy lady… hehe.. and I don’t mind being a bit crazy… hehe… I feel the people I’m drawn to work with will have a bit crazy in them as well. We’ll make an interesting team for sure. Hmmm… I feel like that my mind gets a bit distracted when I’m writing here on the journal when asking these questions. There’s a responsibility to cite everyone and everything. Sometimes I just need to let things flow and go to get into a groove and I wasn’t really able to do it tonight. I kept going to other websites and this distracts me and maybe I’ll go ahead and go back to the pen and paper during my next two days which are my days off. I feel like this would be satisfying for my process. Alright… this is good for now…. Until next time… Oh! I almost forgot… I got the nova double flute yesterday. I’ve got 24 hours of practice and I love it. I’m apologizing to my housemates because I have a feeling I’ll be playing quite a bit. Oh and I also randomly got a $50 Amazon gift card from my credit union by filling out a survey… so I ended up getting a drum thing that is easily portable and compact. It’s supposed to have two different sounds… snare on one side and bongo sounds on the other… plus there’s an ability to use it as a shaker as well. I guess I can strap it to my waist or thigh… onto my body if I want to be able to move as well… I thought it was worth a try since I got a gift card… I’d give myself a gift to hopefully have a drum alternative that I can travel with. Ok… just wanted to mention this. I’m excited to get some instruments to play with and travel with… ok..now, is a good time for a break
  4. Alright… let’s see… yesterday was a beautiful day. I went to hangout with a buddy of mine who I’ve known since childhood. His family was like my second family growing up. I have went into it before… but they really helped and I appreciate them so much. He had invited me to join him at his nieces wedding since it’s here in Utah. I’ve looking forward to seeing him and visiting with his family. Actually I haven’t been to a wedding in a long time… so it was really nice! They’re LDS so I could only wait in the waiting area at the entrance of the temple, but that was quite alright. There were a few of us there even my buddy’s two daughters where with us too. Oh my goodness… I absolutely find it so easy to fall in love with his girls… they’re too cute and I was excited to visit with them… he said they were excited to see me too. So I ended up taking the bus and train to get to their location. It was going to take me close to two hours… so I had planned to speak with my Swedish friend who is in Peru right now. So we tried to do a video chat but the bus I was on was fairly loud that I couldn’t hear him… he so we just talked old school… hehe. It’s very interesting when it comes to this friend of mine. We really don’t know each other deeply… especially compared to my childhood friend, right… but we still comfortable with each other. It was funny speaking with him because it felt a little like it was an interview… hehe.. had many questions for me. I’m not sure if I’m going to go into our conversation… I want to touch on some things but I want to admit that I’m not certain how to approach this relationship. I feel like he doesn’t know either… so we’re in an awkward phase… hehe. Anyway… he was really curious about my LDS friend and their beliefs so we went into that quite a bit. But he was really interested to see if I was tied to a plan for the year. I’ve already been talking to him about this… tentatively I”m thinking I’ll be here at the temple until the end of March and possibly go to Hawaii afterwards. But he said that it’s not set in stone, correct? And I said well… if someone wants to take me to Nepal tomorrow… hehe…. Then I want to be able to have the freedom to accept that or not… hehe…. He said well exactly! If I decide to invite you to Peru tomorrow… then you’ll consider it? I said well… yeah I’d consider it. I try to explain that I’m guided to a vision but how it unfolds is not certain so I want to be able to be flexible with how the vision unfolds. I was a little surprised that he was thinking about inviting me to Peru. We had discussed him coming here to Utah for the festival in March… he’s still thinking about doing that as well… so we’re both kind of open and flexible… hehe. He started also telling me about the girl he met on tinder… he had spent Christmas with her and what he first thought was going to be friendship ended up turning into something a bit more. So she accompanied him to New Years in Iquitos as well. He said they’ve moved into the dating phase he said. She’s a psychologist and is very fascinating and nice. And so of course I’m happy for him… So this is a good point for me to process through my feelings about our relationship. I’m sure this may be redundant if someone actually has read through all of this… hehe… but I want to readdress this and see where I am about this… especially before I speak with him again. So… what am I feeling right now? I feel a bit frustrated just a little bit. Why? Because I absolutely want to be able to just focus on my Aussie dream lover, but there’s still that desire to see some physical movement for us though too. So… I’ve been recently been posting some stories on IG the past few days… it’s been close to a year well longer than a year since I had posted… usually I am a little active but I haven’t been. This is how we communicate with one another in the physical realm. He’s actually been posting more than he usually does as well. He’s fairly sparingly with his stories and posts, but there’s been high activity with his stories. We spoke briefly before Christmas and it seems like… I’ve been thinking about him a bit more intensely than it has been lately. I can’t explain this connection we have but I’ll try to work this out… if you cannot follow.. it’s ok.. this is me processing… hehe. So we are both intelligent… we both are attractive… and it seems like we’re both trying not to come off as too interested… hehe… at least right now.. we went through a phase, but anyway… there seems to be a strategic way we interact with one another. So… I keep trying to explain that things are changing in my life and this also puts a bit more quirkiness into the situation. I’m getting more and more confident in my visions from the jungle… I’m certain my messages are playing out… and my connection to Infinite Intelligence is getting steadier and easier. There was a time I was journaling and I felt like I was on a chess board playing myself… and when I was writing it out the first time… I wasn’t ready to checkmate myself… but now I feel like I am ready. And when I checkmate myself then… I’m just going to go all in and not question this perfection that is being played out in my experience. lol… so… what am I really frustrated with? That I’m not being able to just be comfortable letting everyone I meet that I am not interested in romantic relationships. I feel like I shouldn’t have to talk about this but it’s there… and if I don’t address it then, I’m leaving it as a potentiality. Am I worried that I might get tempted since it’s been so long to share affection with someone in a mutual manner? In a way… I am a bit… I still have these damn visions that involves clean and healthy semen as medicine for me… hehe.. this stresses me a tad bit… hehe. There were two specific semen which would be the ideal medicine, but in my ceremony I was able to transmute the semen into the proper chemistry to be medicine if it wasn’t from the specific semen. So yes… this is hard for me to understand but also challenging to not have in the back of my mind. These messages I cannot ignore or forget and I don’t want to… but this also makes me want to be cautious… hehe… but I don’t want to be cautious though either.. hehe. What am I really worried about, really? Well… I feel that what I would be worried about is not being able to be clear with my relationships. I’m going to be more specific. Just to let it all out clearly… IF my Aussie dream lover was really reciprocating mutually and actively… I wouldn’t have to be processing in this manner… but since it’s not the case… I want to go ahead and process. So he has been curious about my stories recently. I have been showing my curiosity as well. This is a good thing, but I also know deep down.. that he is not ready to take the steps that I’d imagine to have right now. But it isn’t happening… so we are not in alignment yet. And…I’d got shit I’m figuring out myself… so I’m not ready either… even though I think I’m getting close, but right now… is not there yet. But I don’t mind being wrong… it really doesn’t matter… deeply in my depths I’m preparing to reunite with my Aussie lover. I’m preparing to be able to share divine partnership where we can experience God as a lover with one another. Technically it could be with anyone and it’s God… but there’s something else… I’ve been getting this message from the very beginning and there’s something there for me to explore. Regardless if anyone could be God… God is also specifically wanting me to share this with the Aussie. I have a feeling why, but that’s not exactly what I want to process right now… what is it that I’m trying to process? How do I feel about my Swedish buddy? So I found him through the Couchsurfing app… I was in Peru doing my rounds of Aya… it was my second round and I had a moment before meeting my Swedish buddy where I was getting emotional feelings similar to messages I receive in ceremony. It’s challenging to explain if we haven’t had these types of experiences… but anyway… it hit me when I was leaving the place I was staying at… and heading to his place. My body was extremely excited… I didn’t know why… and it was excited to meet this Swedish man. I remember asking myself why this is the case? When I’m in ceremony mode.. many things play out in my mind… I thought maybe for some reason he might be friends with my Aussie dream lover… This world is far smaller than I had expected and so I thought maybe this crazy thought isn’t so crazy because anything is possible… hehe… but there were other thoughts going on… I was going to avoid saying it, but I think it’s best to be honest and just come out with how my thoughts process at times when it comes to romantic matters. So when I was practicing Polyamory… these tendencies seems to come into ceremonies at times too. So yes… mostly romantically my Aussie man is center stage, but…. He is not the only one when it comes to sexual messages. How do I explain this? So again he is center stage, but I have had moments where messages would bring my attention to someone… and I would definitely be curious and excited to have opportunities to share sexual experiences with them. Oh my goodness… I guess I’m going to go into details a bit… Geesh now that I think about it… it was my second round of Aya ceremonies where I was getting these… hmmm… so… I had said that the first ceremony of the my second round…. I ended up nude at the Aya retreat center…hehe… I’m sure I went into detail before… but I’m going to process so there’s going to be some repetition… and maybe I’m going to go ahead and admit things that I didn’t mention before. We’ll see how this all goes down… hehe. So… wait! Before I go any further… I want to remind everyone that messages in ceremony can get recontextualized at times… so I’m open when I get messages… I get an opportunity to explore these messages when I’m receiving them… and I cannot explain how open I am in ceremony… and how extremely curious I am as well… hehe… so… If one hasn’t read this part of my journal… I’ll see how I’m going to play it out this time… So… at the time I was celibate for eight months. At that time I would never have thought I’d go that long without having sexual relations with someone. I felt like this was a huge accomplishment. I was proud that I could go that long… even though I felt a bit frustrated that I had to continue to wait that long too. Hehe.. So this was when I was getting two shamans a male and female… I was with the female when I started to strip away my clothing… it started with my jewelry and went from there. What I remember is that I didn’t need to wear a mask to cover myself up… that applies in many ways… I was actually wearing jewelry and clothing that I had purchase the year before with the same shamans. But I was there in ceremony pulling and even breaking the jewelry to get it off of me. I was trying to show my appreciation for them and I thought it would be nice to show this by wearing these items. Again… I felt like I was learning that it doesn’t matter what I was wearing.. I can show appreciation in a far more deeper ways than wearing clothes they made…but also I was still under the impression that I was trying to find shamans to show me the way to become a shamana… and again this stripping away of these articles from me… was trying to teach me to not try to conform to what I think is supposed to be and strip down myself to my authenticity completely… there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m beautiful and not in a physical manner… but deeper… there’s nothing I need to hide… there’s no need for placing identity on me that isn’t really my authentic expression. I need to find a way to not hide my authenticity… geesh… it feels like this is a similar message I’ve been thinking about recently… I still find that I’m trying to make it easy for people to receive me… hehe… and more of me is like.. why the hell am I doing this? It’s exhausting and so much more of a hassle and it takes far more time doing it this way. But I keep thinking… that it’s best to ease people because I’m a long-term person who has developed quite a bit of patience. So why not make it easier for people… hehe… but what’s going to be easier for me? hehe… is it really easier for me to tip toe around people and prep them to allow them to see who I am? So many times no body wants to see so I wait until we find times to get deeper. But I have been finding that I can get to the point much easier and faster these days… I”m actively watching this process going on. So yes I’ve been getting better… but I”m more conscious now and I can continue to dive deeper into getting better now as well. So… this was playing out in my thoughts as I was in ceremony… but this isn’t the only message that was playing out at the same time. I’m uncertain how anyone else processes and receives messages in ceremony… but I seem to be able to be processing different messages when I’m in action or movement.. geesh I’m going to get better at explaining… I”m just in the process of get better… hehe… but yes I was with the female shaman who is actually after the male shaman. When I was with the male shaman we had some messages about the Aussie man. As I remember it now is that it was a bit more somber or cumbersome… something to this nature… I felt like I was thinking how much I wanted to be engaged in a more tangible relationship with the Aussie man… at this time I thought messages were a lot more quick in a manner than what reality was showing. I thought I’d be learning more about him in the physical realm but it wasn’t playing out that way. So I was processing my emotions of how sad I felt not being able to communicate with him… and there wasn’t any mutual curiosity anymore… definitely not to the same degree as when we met the year before. The shaman’s masculine energy was very comforting as if he was a male family member who knew I was hurting but also giving me support and space to be hurting but a confidence that things are getting better… so this memory came to me when I was with the female shaman… and it felt like she was allowing my wild side unleash… it was like she was like… why are you sad and hurting… you are beautiful not only on the inside.. but truly in a physical manner as well. And this was playing out in my mind as well before I started to strip my clothes off… hehe… I remember my thoughts started going sexual when I was thinking of him when I was in her presence and I also remember saying aloud… oh my goodness… I called her by her name… you’re so naughty… and I started chuckling… because I can be very naughty as well… hehe… and I remember I started dancing on my hands and knees… and our energies started increasing… and I remember I felt like I was being encouraged to not hide and embrace my beauty and go wild… let myself free… and while I was standing up stripping my clothes I was dancing in a circle again… laughing at how naughty stripping to my nudity would be but fuck it… this is how it’s going to go down… ha! I was dancing in the nude… and I went back down onto the mat and I was on my hands and knees and continuing dancing and feeling very sexual and a bit naughty… I remember saying how I’ve been such a good girl for eight months now… and it’s been a lot of work… hehe… I was definitely dancing and thinking about the Aussie man which was fun, BUT…. There was a moment where I started to sense the facilitators presence. There was a male and a female facilitators. I knew the male from the year before and the female was new this round. I started to think about the male facilitator first… and I was giggling to myself… but yes I was saying things out loud as well… I know I had said his name and the facilitators are not drinking with us in ceremony… so there’s a possibility that he heard me and I didn’t care. So I started thinking about how interesting it would be to have sexual relations with him… and I wondered how our energies would mesh together… I could imagine having a great time with him. And yes…. My thoughts went to the female facilitator as well… which I found new and interesting… so I started to think hmmmm…. How would our energies work together in a sexual way… I said her name as well… I was like… oh… I haven’t been with another female sexually… I wonder how this would be and again I could imagine how much fun we could have together as well. So the shamans were not in front of me by this time. And then this is what helped lead to me rolling over to the guest next to me. But I started getting thoughts about a sexual energy in the air. lol… I probably might have began the energy but it felt like I wasn’t the only one. I even started to get excited because I thought maybe sex was going to be a collective lesson for this ceremony… hehe. I was definitely open and up for learning more about sex… lol. I remember I was going over how the facilitators were probably more strict about not having sex before, during, or after retreats…. I thought the shamans wouldn’t have so much restrictions. I thought possibly they knew sexuality needs to be healed and addressed… instead of them bringing it up… they would try to encourage me to try it. That’s when I tried to take initiative to see if in fact this ceremony was going to be a teaching session about sex. I’m blushing right now… because it sounds like I’m a bit crazy… and maybe I am… but this went down fairly close to what I remember. I had a male to my left and I had a female to my right. At that moment it didn’t matter which way I rolled… I was going to see if anyone else was interested in learning about sex tonight… lol. So I went into the details with this gentleman that I rolled to and all the shit that went down from it… but that wasn’t really what I wanted to get into. But… I know there are times in ceremonies that I get messages and I’m so eager to have the opportunity to learn these messages…. And I definitely wasn’t as patient as I am now. I’m getting better… hehe. But I feel like I need to process where I am and that’s also taking a look at what’s what down in ceremony… changes are happening… and recontextualization in my approach needs to be addressed and questioned. I’ll go back to my Swedish friend… that was a thought I had about him was a possibility he could be friends with the Aussie… but another thought was that he might be a potential sexual partner and intimate relationship like a polyamorous relationship. I have no clue why this came into my thoughts… it just did… and I hadn’t even met him. I have to admit that I was wondering if my Aussie man might find this Swedish man attractive as well? When I met this Swedish man… I do have to admit that I found him attractive as well. The good thing was he was dating someone and she was beautiful and sweet so it made it easy for me to not flirt with him and keep a safe distance so I didn’t explore the excitement I was feeling before I met him. So I’ll go back to the ceremonies before I met the Swedish man… yes the first ceremony went down with the nudity… but there was another ceremony where a sexual nature came up and again… it was like a polyamorous situation involving the Aussie man with another man. At first when I was getting messages about this man… it was more like how I would be getting introduced to each other through the internet. I mean it was obvious to me… because I’ve been watching his YouTube videos for a few years by then. So I thought it was going to be more business in nature when I had him come into ceremony. There was definitely something about expanding communication when it came to him. And it seems like the internet is the opportunity for me to introduce myself to him as well… at least the opportunity now exists. It’s taken over three years to take the steps, but I have started my attempt. As he continued in my ceremony… it led to my thought wondering whether if there was going to be something other than business with him? Oh my goodness… I’m going to stop myself again… hehe… I’m not sure how comfortable I am to continue to express my thoughts during ceremony. Let’s just say it was interesting… and I’m still curious about it… and again messages don’t seem to be forgotten or ignored. Well… ignoring seems to be easier than forgetting. Hmmm… has there been anyone else? No… I cannot remember anyone else. Honestly though I know there are gaps in loss of memory in some ceremonies. I know I’ve experienced receiving messages again and triggers the original time it was brought up… so I might be missing one, but I honestly don’t think that’s the case. I’m trying to even remember my ceremonies not with Aya… there’s been a few times where sexual energy presents itself.. but I’ve been able to not really allow it to go further than say kissing and sharing techniques and some dancing. Is that what I’m thinking that I’m worried about… that there might be people I’m attracted to where I might allow more than kissing. And do I feel guilty about it? yes… I think that’s what I’m feeling… and I think I just want to be open to give myself some grace. I think I have conditioned thoughts of how I’m suppose to approach romantic relationships… even though I feel like I’ve tried to be as radically open as my conditioned mind would allow. There’s still room for me to open up even more. It seems to be challenging to continue to open to more changes in a few of my areas of life such as sexuality. I want to… and I feel like I’m going to be exploring this more this year. We’ll see maybe I won’t get the opportunity… but I seem to be thinking about this area quite a bit. Maybe it’s to just purge it out. But what’s the affective way for me to do this? I don’t know until it plays out. It’s almost been three years since I was placing myself as an exotic dancer… and I have memories of how exciting and fun it was… but how I wanted things to be more mutual and not so structured around having to be a bit obligated to engage because it was a position that it was expected. It’s having clear communication…. Again… I continue to want to take steps that doesn’t ruffle so many feathers with anyone I’m engaging with… so this approach draws everything out and goes through loops and dips because I’m just not able to find that I am the one who wants to lead these conversations. I actually talk to the Swedish man… and he also was hinting around to me… lol… because I do this so much it sticks out to me when I hear it. He said that this tinder girl he’s with took initiative and he was surprise yet grateful. We are in a bit of limbo-land… and I feel we both are mature enough to address it. And that’s the thing… maturity is crucial here. I feel like I’m going to listen to Leo’s video on maturity again… This Swedish man is a ladies man… he probably wouldn’t say that.. but in my observation.. he is. And… to me that actually makes me feel a bit more easy about approaching him. I want to have some fun and no pressure about making it into “something.” Everything right now is speculations because honestly I haven’t been able to have the balls to just address it directly. But damn it… I just want to be feminine. I want to attract men who can have the balls enough to address it directly as well. Yeah… I’ve been seeming how unattractive it’s been when I find that men cannot just be direct and open in their communication. That is attractive… there’s a lot to attractions but it is unattractive to me at this time… beating around the bush. I feel like there’s only one man that I can allow that from… that’s our game of anticipation playing out… and our subtlety has a dynamic that is’t easy to explain or comprehend.. hehe. He is the exception to any rules that I might feel like I have… lol… who knows why, but I know this is the case right now. But I’m a good student so I’ll continue to learn and readdress my thoughts on things. Ok… wow… I didn’t know I was going to go this way today. I thought i was going to go into the things that are playing out the last few days. But I guess that’s not what I was really focused on. I”m starting to give my things away. I’ve got four ladies coming tomorrow to pick some of the items up. Hopefully more to come. Oh yeah… I’ve been playing the $5 flute for maybe five days to a week… well… I want a better quality so I went ahead and purchased a decent flute today. I got a High Spirit’s Nova double flute in the key of A minor… the third eye chakra frequency, they say. So I’m hoping I can get this maybe by the weekend… I’m excited! I know I’m purging my things but I’m trying to actually have the things I want to travel around with. And I feel like I want some instruments. I’ve been really wanting to play more music… I want to sing more as well. This hypnotic mantra I hear over and over here at the Temple makes it easy to practice. The wife has asked me if I’m going to stay til the festival. I said I think so, but I also seem to be getting other offers… so I haven’t committed yet… we’ll just have to see how it goes. And yes… interesting… we’ll just see how things go. Ok… until next time…
  5. I’m really pumped after the first day of 2024 closes. There’s something in my body that is wanting to explode with excitement… hehe… but usually my body knows something a bit earlier before Reality shows me why the excitement. So what shenanigans have been going on lately… let’s see it’s been a few days since I’ve written so where to start? Well… for New Year’s Eve I really enjoyed sharing energy with one of the German volunteers who danced with me. So mid week last week… the husband asked us to join him for a cookout since many of the international volunteers will be leaving soon. So we met us, and another volunteer ended up showing up that night whose origins are from India but he’s volunteering for three weeks and returning to Arizona. So his first few hours at the Temple involved a cookout with us. There were some tents that were setup maybe for a week now in front of the main cabin. I guess there was a bonfire table thing and two heater stands… so I guess this is why they set it up so have some gatherings through the winter. So cool… we had some veggie burgers, baked beans, and tortilla chips with soda… hehe… I didn’t eat all that I had worked that day so I was snacking already from the buffet so I did have a veggie patty with a little baked beans. Anyway… the husband wants to practice his rapping. He approached me during my shift saying that he heard I could sing. I said I’d like to work more on it, but yes I enjoy it. He wanted me to sing that night so he wasn’t gong to be the only one singing… I chuckled because I told him I don’t really know many songs that I’d be able to sing. But we’ll see how it works. So… I heard his rapping. Goodness… I think he had five to six different raps. He started with Ganesh and moved to Shiva… and so on… I’m sure I’ll continue to hear them. And I thought he did a good job and it looks like he’s put a lot of work into it. So what I noticed is that he was running out breath as he was doing his thing. There were times where he was trying to get his audience interacting where he did a call and repeat thing… example… he said when I say “benevolent”, you say “elephant”… benevolent elephant… and things like this. And again he was running out of breath or sometimes delayed when it was his time to say the first call word. So I already knew I wanted to help him out. We of course, the audience, were participating with him. And the next day I was talking with him. First he said that he really liked how I became the life of the party… I chuckled. He said he enjoyed my singing and dancing. I said I really liked hearing his rhymes. I told him that I thought he did really well too… and maybe I have a suggestion for him to be able to catch his breath. He said that would be nice… and so I said.. maybe add a simple course in between his verses. I said when he was doing his call and response… he could just make those his chorus. If he keeps it simple and repetitive then it would be easy for the crowd to pick up and sing along with him. I feel bad but I don’t remember all of his lyrics and they were actually pretty good… but let just use the basic example we used already… I said if he starts chanting benevolent elephant over and over… then the crowd will be starting to repeat him… and that would be a good time to take a breath… and then when you’re ready he can come right back in once he’s ready. It’s a start for him to get his creative juices going. He said it would be nice to have this every week or something… I think he wants more practice and I think it’s not a bad idea especially if there’s going to be more volunteers. I hope we can get a little better healthier food options… hehe.. but I was fun. We all mostly went up and did a little karaoke and ended up putting dance music on and it was fun to do this together. So.. this happened. Like a day before I had asked the gentlemen who live at the house with me if it would be a problem if I have the volunteers over to the house around new years to have a dance party. So we were thinking that maybe we’d be able to go to the ecstatic dance at the SL temple on Wednesday, but one of the volunteers would be leaving that morning.. so I thought… why not just do it at the house then… So I asked first the chef who lives in the basement apartment with his family. He would be the first priority because they are in the basement and would be hearing the walking around from us. I was seeing what time would be best to finish our dance session so it doesn’t bother them. I told him he didn’t have to answer right away… but ask his wife and see what she says too. So I gave him a few days to think about it. He said that New Year’s Eve should be a good night for a dance party. I asked the new priest who came the day before the same thing. I knew he goes to bed early so I was wondering what time would be ok with him. lol… and I don’t think he understood what I was asking. There’s a little issue with trust around here… and so he said there’s not going to be any alcohol is there? I said no… we all are volunteers here and it’s fine without alcohol. He didn’t say much but a few days went by… and then during lunch on Sunday he came up to me with the husband. The wife happened to be sitting at the table as well. The husband started asking me what he was talking about. The priest thought he should spend the night at the main cabin since I’m having people over to dance. So the husband was asking me what was going on. I said the volunteers and I wanted to have a dance session at the guest house, where I stay. I was trying to get a time of how long we would be able to dance tonight. I looked at the husband and said… we have a lot of fun dancing and we’d like to bring it inside to celebrate the new year. So the wife said… well no one has talked to me about any of this. This dance party isn’t going to happen. I looked at her and said… well I asked the people who I live with who are the ones going to be affected by it. I got their permission… but I’m just trying to see how late we can gather. A few hours is all we need and that should be fine. She said that the wife downstairs would not approve. And I said I asked them early in the week and I haven’t heard anything saying that it would upset them. The husband said… she seems like she went through and was asking permission from everyone… that doesn’t seem like that’s a bad thing. But the priest needs to stay where he is because there’s no space in the main cabin. I said that’s what I thought. So we ended up deciding that we can dance until 9:30pm. And that would give us about two and a half hours… and so I said that sounds reasonable. And thanked them… hehe… I doubled checked with the chef to make sure 9:30 was ok with him and his family… to him it seemed like he didn’t mind if we did it later… The priest spoke to me again and he kept asking about my “friends”… I kept trying to explain to him the “friends” are “volunteers”… the ones that are living in the main cabin… the ones who have been volunteering here for three weeks or longer… I keep trying to explain that my “friends” are part of the Temple. He admitted he thought I was brining in friends from out of state. I said… technically they are out of state… hehe… but I haven’t invited anyone who doesn’t live and volunteer on this property. Our ecstatic dance isn’t going to be a big bash with alcohol. We just want to dance for a few hours. Hehe… I even was talking to the volunteers about this during the week and I thought having a blindfold on would be really fun and interesting. And the chef overheard me saying this… and he asked what’s the blindfolds for? I said… well have you been in a situation where we’re not able to connect to music because we can see other people watching you dance. When we put blindfolds on… then we don’t have to worry about that… we can connect to the music and our bodies without worrying about people watching you. I asked him if he ever put on a mask and felt like he could transform into someone else? He laughed and said… his mind went pretty dark… and I laughed and said… yes… I’ve been finding out that most devotees here seem to go dark at first. We aren’t trying to do anything wrong. There’s nothing wrong with fellow volunteers gathering listening to music and dancing together. We just did this the other night outside… what’s the difference inside and focusing it more to connection with the music? Anyway… last night we got to do it… and it ended up be so peaceful and quiet that I doubt anyone would have any reason to complain. And… all of the volunteers actually have been running around the last few days so most of them were worn out… hehe. So the two of us who are actual dancers were up for it and have been looking forward to it since we’ve mentioned it. She’s been wanting to practice more about her teaching skills of belly dancing and she’s actually been to ecstatic dances and so I figured she’d be the one to lead. I was interested in learning more. She had asked the wife to see if she’d be able to teach belly dances at the temple like the yoga classes.. but the wife said it was too sexual for the temple. So I told her that it’s ok to do this at the house. I have had some belly dance classes and I absolutely love Polynesian dancing and it’s similar in ways. Honestly… any dancing sounds amazing to me… hehe. So I guess there were going to be two other girls joining us but they wanted to rest and come later. So we starte out by ourselves. She wanted speakers and there seems to be a system installed in the home with speakers in the ceiling but I haven’t used it. And we couldn’t get it working anyway. But again… it wasn’t necessary. It was loud enough for us in the living room and it didn’t bother anyone else. She actually found out when she was teaching… she found herself turning down the music for her comfort level and for us to hear her anyway… hehe… but while she was waiting I said we could start warming up and doing some dancing anyway… she said that it looks like I’m pretty comfortable dancing… if the girls don’t make it we can just go into the ecstatic dance. I said… I can always continue to learn. I’ve taken a few belly dancing classes and what I’d like to see if she can help with is… how they use their arms. And she did great… and it was so fun to be able to mirror her. My body was creaking and cracking… hehe… it felt amazing… it was waking up! The other girls arrived and then she was able to do her lesson. It was more slow and foundational and intentional which isn’t how most of the belly dance classes I’ve attended are. So I know that all of us appreciated her sharing her experience with us. I wanted to definitely tell her how grateful I was with her lesson… and she was equally grateful to have a compliment and feedback from another dancer. So it was time for ecstatic dance and the other two girls ended up leaving. So it was back to the two of us.. which actually worked out great because we’d have much more room and with blindfolds we won’t have to worry about hitting someone by accident. So we turned off the lights… we both had our sleep masks and she had a play list for about 20 minutes of her style of ecstatic music. I loved it… I hadn’t tried dancing with a blind fold either. I noticed one time I got a little off balance…. But I adjusted and it was very fun to be liberated from not being watched. I do have to admit that there were a few times where I had thought about my dream lover and we dancing for him… and it was hot… hehe… but not the whole time. But we laid down on the floor afterwards and every inch of our bodies were buzzing with energy… there’s not any words that I can say to explain how satisfying dancing is for me. We were chuckling a little about how much effort we had to do to be able to do this… hehe… there’s a bit of stress the volunteers are having dealing with the wife and yes… it was a purging session and releasing any tension that happened to be stagnant in our bodies… I understand what she’s saying… to say it’s challenging… it’s saying it nicely… hehe. But how can this be wrong… hehe… and there are so many pictures and artwork at the temple with people dancing and expressing joy… however, it’s pulling teeth to be allowed to dance… hehe… and wow… I don’t see much joy in the devotees… moments, yes… but majority of the time… that’s not the energy they’re projecting. I can’t say that for every devotee… but I’ll say it’s more rare than it is common. The artwork also has beautiful women with little clothing and men half nude and attractive. I mean literally Krishna is the all attractive one… and Rama is all pleasure… this is the mantra that is being chanted all of the time… it’s almost a trance or hypnotic how much its repeated everywhere… hehe. But how much they’re afraid of people having any thoughts of sex or attraction and pleasure to people who are not Krishna… I don’t know it’s baffling to me… hehe..and I had to actually laugh about it out loud with someone. So the dance session was beyond satisfying and very much needed. I hope to find more time to do these types of sessions with myself or with others as well. She really wants to be able to go on a Wednesday to the event at the SL temple…so we’ll see if we can figure that out. We finished the night by going up to the roof of the Temple and watching the fireworks in the distance from the neighbor towns and cities. It was really nice and all of the volunteers ended up making it up there and sharing it together. We were laughing trying to figure out where next year we will all be… since most of us wants to be traveling quite a bit. One asked if we could choose one word to help explain the year we want to create for 2024… I think my word would be “expansion.” There was a $5 flute which was donated this week to the temple. I saw the women and children who bought it… and they left it on the donation box for anyone to use. I left it there for a few days and no body picked it up and used it… so I thought… why not me? I used to play a little flute in middle school… I was pretty decent at the time… I love music and why not. They don’t like my drumming because it’s not their rhythm and also they said the tone doesn’t match the same as what they have. So if I do play I need to play it softly enough for them to not really hear it… hehe… I’ve been able to play the flute twice now. I’ve practiced a little at the house and went to the temple to practice as well. It’s not a flute that plays off to the side it’s similar to a recorder. I cannot remember what the Indian name of it is… but it’s a very basic flute and so I’m trying to find the sounds that is soothing combination… I’m not sure if I’m able to do the octave higher on this flute. We’ll see… but I did meet a guy tonight and I got him to participate in aarti with us. I gave him one of my little drums and he liked having it and danced a little with it, and he liked hearing my flute with everything as well. I met him during dinner and found out that he’s had a few Aya ceremonies and feels like it’s calling him back again. He did three sessions in Cancun, two nights in Utah, and two nights in LA. We barely got to talk with one another, but there was a good start. He is moving closer to the Temple soon and hopes to be able to come more often. I decided to see how it plays out before we exchange information. It would be good to talk to him again. He asked when I was going to have ceremonies. I told him I don’t have an open door policy… hehe… I’m much more involved then hosting a night and saying ok… have a good life! Ha… but he said he respects that. So… if we are to work together and share more… it’s going to happen. So… I should be meeting up with my old friend… we grew up together and he’s Mormon and his family was like my second family growing up. He had invited me to share in the celebration of the wedding of one of his nieces. Her wedding is actually Wednesday, but they are having a celebration tomorrow before they unite for family and friends. I’d love to go and celebrate and catch up with him and his bro. I”m also supposed to talk with my Swedish friend who’s in Peru at the moment. Actually he would be Iquitos now for New Years… I wonder how he likes it. So I hope to be able to call him on my public transportation ride. Oh.. I need to see if we can adjust the time a little from what he wanted. I should probably send that out fairly soon so I don’t forget. Oh my goodness… my cat… he hates being stuck in this room. He’s always at the door pawing at it… he wants to go and roam the house. He doesn’t use his nails but still… I don’t want him to continue this behavior… I’m not sure how to get him to stop. I had my sleep mask next to my bed…and I ended up throwing the masks at his paws and the door… hehe.. I’m sure that is not a good way… but I’ve tried different approaches and I’m not sure what’s going to make him stop. I know he’s similar to me… we like our freedom. And I know I want to be able to give us that sooner than later. I don’t like keeping him in this room either, but dang these are the rules… but I think we can be flexible enough to deal with some things we don’t necessarily like for a little while. I can see how reducing a bit of our freedom can ultimately help us have more freedom later. I took him outside earlier and he enjoyed it. I’m hoping to take him to the farm soon to meet the llamas and the birds. I feel like we’re going to have a farm in the future.. so getting him used to the different animals will be helpful. Ok… this is good enough. I’m getting tired so until next time… enjoy the new year!
  6. Alright… wow… things keep on a’coming… hehe… it might not seem like it, but I can feel it. And man I continue to get more excited each day. So I’ve been working at the Temple in the afternoon to evening and I’m loving my conversations. There are so many people stopping by from all over and it’s really neat to be a part of that. Briefly I met a couple who might be connected to plant ceremonies in the Salt Lake area. They’re involved with volunteer work at the Krishna Temple up there in the gardening area. They did mention they have a yoga, ecstatic dance, and sound healing bath on Wednesdays. That’s my day to work but I might be able to open a Wednesday up to participate maybe. I was speaking to some of the volunteers about it and one of the German girls is leaving on Wednesday so… I offered my place here for us to do it together. Only the German girls have actually participated in ecstatic dances back home… and everyone else has been interested in trying… so hopefully we get that arranged this weekend. New Year’s Eve or on the day possibly? I cannot wait to share that experience together. I’m hoping to possibly get blind folds while we do it… let’s see if we can get that going… hehe. I scanned through what I wrote last time, but it looks like I haven’t mentioned the new priest who just arrived. He’s from Nepal… woot woot… so I’m hoping to find some time for conversations. It was pretty funny the first lunch I shared with him and the family that was staying here he said he’s from Nepal… I mentioned that’s where I want to go this year. And he said well he’ll show me around. The wife of the family chuckled and said… wow… it’s like I manifested him to come here… for sure I’ll be getting there soon… hehe… yes I’ve been mentioning Nepal many times… hehe… I’ve got my mission and I am attracting network opportunities to get there. So the priest arrived yesterday and he’s staying in one of the rooms at the place I’m staying. The family left today to return to Dallas… and I think I did have that comment about the evening aarti when their son played his flute. It was beautiful. I could hear him while I was working, but I wanted to make it up there even for a little time to make sure he saw that I saw and heard him. I was able to sing along with him and I loved it. I can hear that he was pretty steady but he started to let loose and started to ad lib a bit and it was great… so I had to encourage him to continue to freestyle and go with the flow… because it was great to have the flute sound radiating in the temple. Plus the priest was on drums…. And so it was really fun to hear everyone together. The family was soooo sweet and I’m grateful they were the first guests to stay with me. We got a selfie with the African grey parrot, Ramu to capture a moment. Since the family left… the husband and wife were not comfortable with me and the priest staying at the house together alone. They said this isn’t normal for ashrams to allow that. They tried to move him to the cabin where they live, but all the rooms are occupied… so they allowed us to do this at this time while they can see if they can make different arrangements. The priest whispered to me that they’re scared of fire and air together… it creates a lot of heat. That was one of the first things he mentioned to me was how attractive I was. It was surprising to me to have a priest act in this manner. He’s not overboard with it, but still I didn’t expect this. I mean he has a wife and children and I’d assume these comments wouldn’t be coming out of him. But he has no clue that I’m not interested at the least in having any relations with him in that manner. But the wife also told me that he’s new to the country and it’s best that I keep my distance, and try not to start any conversations while we’re alone together. When she was saying this she happened to mention that I’ve got a very strong energy… she was saying something like a whirlwind or whirlpool… something like that… and who knows what I’m going to attract towards me. Again I was a bit shocked she was saying this… but I wish I could have a conversation more about my history and my mission… but we haven’t had these moments yet. There was another incident today which I didn’t think was going to happen, but somehow I thought it could be a possibility but I wanted to see how things would fall into place. There is a gentleman who I met and went to eat dinner at the place he’s staying. He was supposed to go to Arizona, but he’s decided to spend at least another month here in Utah. Any way he’s been messaging me… a bit too much and so I said I don’t really want to message this much back and forth. If he wants to have an engaging conversation, then it’s best to speak in person. I was telling him different options and finally he said that he would come and join evening aarti and be able to spend the night if he volunteers the following day. So I’m assuming… he’s already volunteered here for two or three months at the beginning of last year so I figured he’s already built a relationship with the wife… and I’d assume that he would get all the arrangements taken care of before he arrived. Well… he joined the aarti… I’m downstairs closing the buffet and getting the building ready to close and lock up… and the wife was training a bit more and then I hear him ask the wife if he’s able to volunteer the following day. She was fairly abrupt with him and short and I noticed that she wasn’t too fond of him. It’s obvious he is attracted to me and he mentioned the reason he was there was because of me. She asked when he was going to volunteer… during the morning? She monitors the volunteers in the morning? He wasn’t answering and was hesitating. He said he’d like to do the morning aarti with the husband, but he’d like to volunteer in the afternoon with me. She looked at me and said I’d have to give him work if he wants to do this. I said well… I can give him dishes at least and I’m sure there’s more I can find for him to do during my shift. So… that was the conversation and in my mind is… he never called and talk to her about this… so he hasn’t mentioned anything about spending the night at the place…so I brought it up to the wife. I said… ok by the conversation I just heard… he hasn’t gotten a hold of you before he arrived. She said… you don’t really know this guy do you? I said no… I just met him here. She’s like well… he’s definitely a character. I said… well what he hasn’t said is that he wants to spend the night at the house. She forcefully said no! He looked at him and said you do not have permission to stay here. All of the rooms are taken up at this time. And she was looking at me and said that she had no prior notice of this. I said I thought he was going to talk to you about this. And she was implying that that’s what everyone says. I said… hearing the conversation he just mentioned this to you… so I knew he didn’t get your permission. That’s why I stopped you before you left because I want you to address this. She said that nobody stays the night or the weekend unless she knows first. The family that stayed with us got a hold of her and told here how many days… and she scheduled everything out and they had to pay for their stay. I said yes that sounds like a good process. She ended up getting a call in the middle of the conversation. And I look at him and started chuckling… I asked him… why wouldn’t he contact her before he arrived? He didn’t want to answer when she was still around. She came back and enforced her decision. He said he brought a sleeping bag with him… is there a public area where he can sleep for the night… she said no again. Absolutely not… he’s going to have to go somewhere else to sleep tonight. I nodded and said that’s not a problem… the buses are still running. She ended up leaving and I was left with him. So I asked him again… I said she’s the boss around here… of course he has to get permission from her. He said… well.. no body here follows her rules. Many do things behind her back…she’s really strict. And I looked at him and said… do you think I’m not going to follow her rules? She knows the activities I do that aren’t what she wants on property and she said that if I do it off of the property she can’t stop me, but if I’m on property she wants me to follow the rules. I told him I want to work as a team with her. I don’t mind following her rules. She’s created an amazing space that I’m going to have many opportunities by being here. So I know you didn’t want me to mention this to her… but I can’t believe you didn’t tell her. She already is trying to trust me… so I saw the red flag and jumped on to it. I respect her. I’m here to hopefully get her to have time to relax, paint, and just rest a bit more than what she’s been having. She and her husband have been working everyday for twenty years. I’ve heard they’ve had one vacation for a weekend to volunteer at an animal sanctuary. She’s been working hard and is probably irritable. I feel if we can find opportunities for her to rest and rejuvenate… she doesn’t have to be so curt with everyone. She’d be able to be more gentle, but I know how irritable I can get without getting any rest… so I’m hoping to be that for her… even if it’s a small period of time. I feel he heard me. I told him I have integrity and I wasn’t going to go behind her back. No way would that be comfortable for me. Now that I’m writing this… what kind of man is he… if he’s not able to communicate clearly with her? It’s quite a cowardice move. I got time to talk to him more and I’m not trying to make him feel bad, but damn it… be courageous… even if you think it’s going to go bad… do it anyway… do go behind people’s back. I know he assumes he knows me, but I wanted to make clear tonight that he hasn’t heard much about who I am… he likes to talk a lot about himself. But it’s time for him to get a reality check. I can be a lot easier to give it to him… but he has a better idea of the strength I have. What was interesting was while we were waiting for the yoga to finish up… we were chatting and the husband comes in with some groceries. The husband saw this guy and again I could see he wasn’t fond of him either. He asked what he was doing here at this time? The guy said that he wants to join in morning aarti tomorrow and also volunteer afterwards. The husband looked at him and said. Honestly I don’t think that’s a good idea. If he wants to come on Sunday, that’s ok, but he doesn’t want him on property on any other day. The guy asked him, why? And the husband looked at him and earnestly said… we housed you for months here and he was very difficult to handle. He was there to volunteer, but he wasn’t productive at all… things never got done and there were too many controversial conversations about complaining instead of just doing what they asked him to do. He even said that he seemed like a black hole. I could tell the husband wanted to be clear and firm. But he also was gentle and said that he didn’t want to have to say this, but he asked a direct question and so it gave him the opportunity to give him his honest opinion. I could tell that it hit hard for the guy as well. But I don’t know their history… and honestly if this is how it went down… then I can see why they had their opinion and they have the authority to make these decisions. So when the husband left us… again I looked at him and chuckled… and I said wow… what’s going on here. He seemed a little distressed and said well… I’m going to have to tell you something. He referred to the five languages and how the acts of the service is something that is far from what he’s used to doing. So that’s why he wanted to do WWOOFing. This Temple was the first experience for him to try to get better at the acts of service. He said that that was tough to hear from him. He said that the husband would never talk to him while he was living there. He said he wished he would’ve said something while he was there and he would know to make those changes. I said well.. how well do you know yourself. And he said he does self reflection all the time… so he knows himself. Then I said…well you know if he was telling the truth or not. He said well.. he’s been having slight issues with a few of the locations that he’s been volunteering at. Not in the same words, but there was another location that asked him to leave because of political talk that wasn’t agreed. Finally the location he’s at they respect his service he gives. So I said… ok… well you started here and you sucked at it, but it looks like you’re getting better. I wondered if he had ever worked before because that’s acts of service. I asked if he’s taught anyone something… again acts of service. And so he said he used to tutor and he found it easy. And so you are trying to stretch yourself in acts of service that you feel is challenging for you. And he said yes exactly. He wants to get out of his comfort zone to push himself and learn and grow. I said this is great… and as you can see it’s not easy and it’s ok to suck… but as you continue… you’re getting better. If you know this about yourself then you should be able to take his opinion better. The husband doesn’t know the history and the work you’re doing… but he was also being honest and that should be respected. I was able to lock everything up and set the alarm so I can do this three or my four shifts. I’m still missing steps through the shift… and I know I get into conversations quite easy as well. I can see conversations with guests is fine, but tonight I was really getting into speaking with the volunteers again. They work the opposite shift as I do, so we haven’t had time as easily as when I wasn’t living here. I actually had a great conversation with the Chinese volunteer. Everyone went on a walk and she stayed back to feed the llama… I helped with this and so this allowed us time to share. Yes, Aya came up and she loved it! She’s the one writing her master paper on spirituality and so I have been wanting time with her. She said that she feels that she’ll try it at least once in her life. She had many questions and I enjoyed being able to talk with her before she leaves next week. She is so adorable and sweet… I hope to get better at describing people… hehe… my vocabulary is limited.. hehe… but she’s very soft and tender and kind… I really enjoy having her around. I’m already starting to miss them as well. Same thing with the family that visited. I’m going to get better at not being attached to all the amazing people who are going to be coming and going at this location. The guy who came to visit had until 9:30 before he could catch the last bus to go to his place. And I said it was fine for us to hangout until then. We went to walk across the field to get to my place… and he said that he has some boxes that he brought with him… he comes around with two large cardboard banana boxes, a duffel bag, and a backpack… again I chuckle… wow… you brought quite a bit with you huh? He thought he was going to be allowed to stay a few days. I shook my head… he brought all of this without getting permission… he probably knew he was going to run into resistance and thought I wasn’t going to catch on to what he was trying to do. Geesh… anyway. I wanted to get more time with him and see what I can help him with. He wanted to know more about my Aya shamanism and I said that it’s not time for me to go into detail… we’ll see if there’s time that will be better. He asked this because he made a comment how we both know about our shamanism styles… and I said… I haven’t had the time to share. I was listening to him the whole time. So he thought this would be the time to listen to my ceremonies. But it’s not the time. I wanted to see if he could see what these ceremonies have done to my approach to life. So he asked again what in my life lead me to be here? I asked if could get a little more direction on what he wants to know… this is a pretty broad question. He said how did I get to be so confident and courageous with my speech? He said that it’s unique to him. hehe.. I don’t know if he’s being honest or if he’s trying to flatter me, but I asked for direction and so I went ahead and continued our conversation. We were able to share quite a bit… I was trying to give him some nuggets that actually could help him… but honestly I was being a bit sneaky with it… I was using my interaction with the female devotee…. He knew briefly of what went down. But some of what I was trying to help her see… is a general help for all of us in some degree. He had quite a bit of direct criticism tonight and so I thought if I implied it indirectly it would be easier to take. And he’s very intelligent in his own way… and I do feel like he does listen. We spoke quite a bit and he finally asked me to be one of his speakers at his gathering in the fall. I chuckled and said this is not a project I want to commit to at this time. I have my own mission and I’ve got my eyes focused on this. If by chance his gathering is going to be a part of it… then we’ll know closer to that time. But right now… I’m not going to commit to this… hehe… he finally got the hint that I’m not just lolli-gaggin’ around. And… I’m not just talking shit. Even when I was being quite firm and abrupt… it seemed like he was falling deeper in love with me…hehe… not really I felt like he was increasing his respect for me. And that’s what I want… I respect him, I’d love to have this reciprocated. Plus I’m pretty sure that he understands that I’m not looking for a romantic relationship with him. There was a really great and insightful conversation we had… but honestly I’m getting tired and it’s not the same unless its coming out naturally. It was what was needed to be said at this time. He was laughing when he asked me to be one of his speakers… he said I can tell it how it is… I laughed and said … this is just how it is for me and the people I’m dealing with… hehe… but yes. Very interesting… absolutely love this life… so very interesting and I’m eager to see what each moments brings and observe how I respond to it. Guided…respond…learn…how my relationship is going… guided… respond… learn… it’s been exactly what I’ve wanted and needed. Thank you! Alright… until next time…
  7. Beautiful day with some new guests that are visiting from Dallas. It a mother, father, and son. Their origins are from south India. They arrived today during the lunch hour. I had done some grocery shopping in the morning to have some supplies for them to snack on if they wanted to partake or not. I’ve spent most of the day with them, and I really enjoyed our time we shared. They are doing a bit of travel during the winter break… the son wanted to participate in some snow sports so they’ve been skiing a little bit in Park City near Salt Lake…. And now they are spending time at the Temple so they can help in anyway they can. They might also go to the hot springs, but we’ll see how that goes. The wife has allowed me to pretty much show them the ropes around here and it’s been my pleasure. I really enjoy them. They have been enjoying the time they are spending with me as well. They said they would like me to let them know what they can help out with… hehe.. I was telling them that the wife is the one who pretty much runs the volunteers. I’ll give them suggestions, but honestly she’s the one who knows what needs to be done. Before they arrived and after my shopping.. I needed to grabe some water from the temple. I walked by the female volunteer and I said good morning. I know she said not to talk to her, but I figured there would be no harm to at least be friendly and say good morning. Hehe.. she had such contempt in her eyes when she saw me.. I just continued to smile and I didn’t expect her to reciprocate… but kill them with kindness is my approach many times…and I guess that’s what I’ll have to do… hehe.. at least for now. But I noticed I forgot to bring the carrots I bought for the llamas… so when I returned after taking the water, cereal, and milk back to the house… I tried to feed the llamas for the first time with the carrots. It was quite funny. At first I was with the females. There was a black llama with white on her face. She was the most eager to try the carrot and once I fed her… she was stopping any of the other females from eating the carrots… she was spitting at them and it’s kind of like spitting air to let them know to stay back. I had one of the German volunteers who happened to walk by while I was doing this and she tried to distract that black llama and tried to feed more. But the same thing happened. There was a tan llama that finally got a carrot but then she was engaging in the same activity of stopping the other llamas from trying any of the carrots… hehe… I went over to the male side and I say the hierarchy much clearer. Again I feel it’s obvious to see which one is the alpha and second alpha and so on. I tried to feed the first male llama I saw but he didn’t take the carrot right away. The second alpha came up pretty quickly and he enjoyed the carrot and made sure that I couldn’t feed anyone else… UNTIL the alpha came up and was wondering what I was feeding them. Once I tried to feed the alpha I noticed the second alpha knew he was subordinate to the alpha and let him eat. And again… the alpha didn’t have to act in the same manner… every male just knew to let him eat… hehe… so yes it was interesting. I thought maybe I’d have to try to start to feed the lowest on the totem pole and work my way up, but I don’t think that will work either… hehe. It was funny to see this behavior. After lunch once we finished eating I was already introducing myself to the guests. I took them out there and thought maybe with the four of us spread out that maybe we could feed more llamas, but we continued to run into the same situation. So the female llama who is black and has white on her face got most of the carrots. I took them on the hill where the radio tower is located and they got a great view of the property and the surrounding mountains. I also was able to show them where we are staying. I told them I usually just walk through the field but since they have a car… I can show them where the road is. They said they had space for me to sit so I should join them. We drove to the house and I showed them around. Originally we thought the parents would stay in the master bedroom with their own bath and the son would stay in another room. They wanted to stay all in the same space and asked if they could put down a sleeping bag. I offered to just move one of the beds into the space and we compromised by bringing in a mattress onto the floor. We all decided we’ll just rest until later when we’ll go eat dinner and participate in aarti together. While we were resting I could hear the son was sneezing a lot. I asked if everything is ok.. do they need anything and they said they’d like to go and get some allergy medicine for the son. They didn’t mind walking and so I told them that the grocery store is within walking distance. I ended up taking a nap again. I’ve been finding that I’ve been sleeping quite often during the day… hehe… I’ve been reading the Bhagavad Gita from time to time. I just now got to the third chapter. It’s interesting… I find that I feel like many of the interpretations sounds like a human interpreting the text… and not necessarily the interpretation from a non human perspective. But that is what I figured. I continue to see that this line of disciplic succession is stressed highly in this text. I found a part that wasn’t necessarily resonating with me… again why i feel it’s a human interpretation. Let’s see if I can find it… 1.43 O Krsna, maintainer of the people, I have heard by disciplic succession that those whose family traditions are destroyed dwell always in hell. (Translation from the Sanskrit) Arjuna bases his argument not on his own personal experience, but on what he has heard from the authorities. That is the way of receiving real knowledge. One cannot reach the real point of factual knowledge without being helped by the right person who is already established in that knowledge. There is a system in the varnasrama institution by which before death one has to undergo the process of atonement for his sinful activities. Onc who is always engaged in sinful activities must utilize the process of atonement, called prayascitta. Without doing so, one surely will be transferred to hellish planets to undergo miserable lives as the result of sinful activities. (Dialogue from the Krishna Consciousness founder A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada) Bhagavad Gita As It Is (Second Edition Revised and Enlarged). His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. The Bhaktivedanta Book Trust. Copywrite 1972, 1983. Printed in China 2022. Pg. 57 Possibly the people in this Forum will have a similar experience as myself. I agree that the right person who has already established knowledge is a powerful way to receiving real knowledge… BUT fortunately for us, the person also knew that hearing what knowledge he has to share can not be understood until we receive our own personal experience of this knowledge. I wonder how many people understand this? It definitely goes into the authority to our lives. Learning we have authority as well… again… I understand this to a degree… but also how can we further explain that’s not always the case… hehe… anywho… While I’m reading… I’m finding myself wanting to pick at each line a bit… but I understand there are certain customs that were in play during the times of the writing. I can see how culture has influenced the human side of the writing… But I have been introduced to some of the scriptures where I see the non human perspective… so I’m looking forward to see how the scripture unfolds. I also have been running into situations where there are rules and regulations that are set in place but I wonder why studies that have been founded between the time of this writing and now… hasn’t adjusted any beliefs. Did I mention the whole onions, garlic, and mushroom thing that I ran into? I think that was part that was erased… hopefully it doesn’t do the same… who knows until I go to post this… hehe. But anyway. Here I was told that onions and garlic are not to be used as food. These are only used by Aryvedic healers as medicine. So they need to be prepared in a certain way. By the way… this is interesting to me and I”m open to hearing more about these concepts… however… there was more to it… I was told that eating large amounts of onions and garlic also enhances the need for sexual desires. I chuckled because again in my experience I eat quite a bit of onions and garlic… I mean they’re delicious and flavorful… but I’m not lusting over sexual desires carelessly… so again… it can go back to the authority saying this to be true… but what if direct experience seems to show something different? I don’t know… I’m going to follow their rules and so I’m leaving onion and garlic out of my diet for now. And I guess I’ll see what it’s like to have them removed from my diet. I don’t want to speculate until… I’ve actually given this a try. I was also told mushrooms are a fungus and not a vegetable… so they are not to be a part of our diets either. We ran into a couple passing by and it was a bit funny because the gentleman was talking about where he lives outside of Philadelphia. Dude!!! It happened again…hehe… for some reason this page reloaded and half of the text was deleted… hehe… I’m not sure what’s going on. Well darn it… I was finishing it up. Geesh again… what to do? Should I rewrite everything that was deleted? Darn it…. Well… I guess I was in the middle of my thought and I’d like to get the thought out… and I really don’t want to write everything out again. Let’s just say I ate lunch with this couple and we found that our topic of mushrooms was not the right time or place. I ate with a young lady from Texas whose origins are from Mexico and had great conversation about her noticing the temple and decided to come and check it out. She was happy to be able to take her time and explore the Temple and its grounds. Tonight I ate with the visiting family at a local Indian restaurant where they invited me to join them. We were singing and playing music for the aarti together tonight… which was beautiful… and we had a lesson with the wife after… so we missed the buffet. But darn it… we had an amazing time together and I’m looking forward to tomorrow as well.. but I was talking about a part of the lesson the wife was talking about that had me thinking… So… I’ll just continue that thought… Here’s what it says in the Bhagavad-Gita As It Is… As soon as one becomes a devotee of the Lord, he also has a direct relationship with the Lord. That is a very elaborate subject matter, but briefly it can be stated that a devotee is in a relationship with the Supreme Personality of Godhead in one of five ways: 1. One may be a devotee in a passive state; 2. One may be a devotee in an active state; 3. One may be a devotee as a friend; 4. One may be a devotee as a parent; 5. One may be a devotee as a conjugal lover. (Pg4) When she was speaking this to us… she was implying that the passive state is where our relationship begins… and as we get deeper into our relationship we then move our relationship into the active, to friend, to parent, and then to lover. This is getting me to see where my relationship with Infinite Intelligence is at this time? As all of this stuff going on with the computer erasing my thoughts completely or half way… and what I’m finding myself being… that I feel like I’m moving into the devotee as a friend… I was really putting out all my thoughts about things that has been happening but purely for my purpose of purging… and there is consequences to doing this… so I feel like the messages that are getting deleted had moments where I haven’t been as friendly as I could be at the situation. I am really grateful that I’m here… and I know I’m going to be growing leaps and bounds by being here and interacting with the people who are drawn here while I’m here. I can be more tactful of how I’m relaying this in the public domain. I am engaging with the Divine at all moments… I can be more appreciative of our friendship and the way I’m getting taught… so I am understanding this… I can be better at helping people who might be reading this understand this is going on as well. I know it feels good to purge but again… maybe purging out every little detail isn’t what is helpful at this time. Finding that all of these experiences are a friendly way for me to continue to grow deeper into my spiritual understanding… and yes this is what I would like.. and I can return the same respect and be friendly back when relaying my lessons. There are different degrees of friendliness… I can go deeper into this. And that’s what I originally was wondering about… was how will eat feel to be a devotee as a parent and then a conjugal lover? Well… it’s time for me to learn how to be a friend at this time. When and if the time comes for our relationship to mature… then ok… but I’m happy to learn how to be a friend deeper. Ok… I’m going to go ahead and get ready for bed and read a bit… so on and so forth… until next time…
  8. Ok… wow… very interesting… let’s see if I’m able to get this posted or not. So… how to approach this? First of all… I know that I’m going to be learning a lot while I’m here. And I want to make sure that I”m being understood fairly clearly…. I find ways to learn and usually it’s really from daily conversations and interactions. These give me lessons and my emotional reactions shows what I’m attached to and areas I need to look at. So I got triggered today and also triggered people. I knew I was a hesitant to move on property but I’m still hopeful because I can see in these 48 hours there’s a lot of opportunities for contemplation. So… what I noticed that I was getting triggered. This was involving this baby llama. When I first was helping with this baby llama, what I heard was that we are trying not to get her to imprint on humans. What I’ve been told is that when they imprint, they don’t see themselves as humans, but they see us as llamas. When they see us as llamas they will treat us as llamas. So supposedly again what I’ve been told is that they shouldn’t be spitting at us if they’re not imprinted. It’s when they’re imprinted will they be more likely to spit at us because that’s how they communicate with other llamas. Now I’m not saying I agree with this, but the person teaching me this… sees that llamas should be trained to be obedient to us. Now they also see animals have their own soul and connection to the Divine, but there is still a bit of hierarchy. I’ve heard a few times of how useful the llamas are to serve us. Again I’m just beginning my experience with llamas and so I’m open to here any comments that is being given. Right from my point of view… llamas who are wild and free don’t have to do anything but to be what they want to be and don’t have to serve anyone but themselves and their community or herd or whatever this is called. But when they are put into enclosures there brings a different dynamic into play. They are more highly involved with human interactions. So yes… I’ve seen a few llamas spit at us. I apologize when it happened to me because I know that I have done something that wasn’t comfortable for that llama. In fact I was getting the little baby to feed and a female next to the llama spat at me. I was emphatic knowing that I could’ve scared her and also maybe I shouldn’t be so involved so much with the young ones. We have good intentions to help the baby getting larger and warmer in this weather. Again I’ve seen llamas in the Andeans and I do question why the winter is such a dramatic time to have children. And honestly… in the wild it probably isn’t a problem, but since they are getting born in enclosures that some of the natural abilities are being skewed so maybe adding more assistance actually might be necessary. But the person who is teaching me all of this was spat at one day and her reaction was quite different. She was a bit offended that a llama would act that way to her. She was making it clear in human language that that behavior is not acceptable. She didn’t do anything harmful to the llama or anything.. but I’m sure the energy she was creating from her reaction gave a little sign to the llama that she wasn’t happy with the behavior. So there was still communication going on. But anyway we are feeding supplemental milk to the baby. Granted I’m not here every day so I’m not doing this as much as everyone who has been living here. They also live right next to the llamas and so they have had more consistency doing these feedings in the morning and evening. When we first started we were leading the llama with a harness and lead. We were trying to train her to be comfortable to walk in this manner and also her get used to the procedure. We have been taking her into the temple to feed her. So this is why we were using this method. There’s a few times where I’ve fed her out in the enclosure, but I guess the last few weeks it’s been indoors. So I had been noticing that we’ve been carrying the llama instead of using a harness and lead. I thought yes I’m sure that’s the easier way, but I didn’t think we wanted to have much touching involved because of the imprinting issue. But I’m not the one leading this so I’m just observing. Well… yesterday the leader finally said that she would like to have the baby placed on a harness and lead again to take inside. I was happy to hear that, but I also thought in the back of my mind that this will take more effort now and there’s going to be some of us who will not like to be patient with this baby. And that was the case the two times I was helping lead the baby indoors. She didn’t want to go. She was being stubborn. So I’m ok if it takes awhile… again I haven’t been with her day in and day out.. so I feel like I’m more likely to give her patience. But also maybe I might be much more softer than needed as well. I do not know the correct balance of this. But of course it makes me uncomfortable if we’re dragging her. I can see how we can do it for a little bit but for the most of the time doing this doesn’t feel good. In fact this evening she would fall onto her side twice because she really didn’t want to go. It made me feel bad. To me it’s obvious that she doesn’t want to go. But I also see that babies can be stubborn and again the intentions are well in nature so I’m still going with the crew to get her inside. This morning there is about a four month old llama who seemed to comfort her and he was walking free next to us. I asked him to join us outside of the enclosure. The babies are allowed to travel the property freely and so I thought if he was walking around her that would comfort her… and for the most part it helped. This evening he wasn’t there and she was exceptionally resistant. I know that this makes our crew uncomfortable as well. And so I’m tryin got figure out what the best approach is for this all… I feel the energy of the resistant llama… I feel the energy of the impatient crew member… and then I feel my energy of wanting things to slow down and relax. Again what I was told that eventually the baby llama will get the idea of the routine and eventually it will get easier because they’ll like getting the additional food. Well it’s been a month and I still see how resistant she is about the process. So this has been building up in me… and this evening I was watching the baby getting fed and to me it seemed like she was obviously finished eating. I know that she’s going to be a stubborn baby and not want to eat all of the time, but I’m wondering when is enough, enough. When is it ok for us to just say ok… she did good enough to drink half the bottle… and she’s not going to drink the full bottle right now. This morning… she did very well and drank the full bottle without much resistance. To me it didn’t look like there was much resistance… she was drinking… but this evening.. it was a different situation. She has recently started eating hay too. So yesterday she gained a pound when our original goal was a half a pound a day. So I’m getting excited because I’m thinking shortly we won’t have to continue doing this, because she’s gaining her own weight… Again it might be naive… but if she’s going to be able to gain a pound a day… if we aren’t feeding her twice a day… she’s getting her half a pound which is the healthy amount to gain for a baby llama. I really wish I would be able to observe the difference in size from a natural fed baby to a supported baby. The four month baby was naturally fed, but he’s also male. So I’d like to compare the female baby with him but it won’t be as accurate possibly because I’m assuming the male might be a bit bigger anyway. i don’t know… hehe… but I’m wondering how much help our assistance really is.. hehe… I know that the husband doesn’t actually think we should be doing all this extra stuff. He would prefer it to be more on the natural side of it. Yeah.. I’m not sure how I feel about it right now either. I was trying to keep inside my thoughts, but I eventually said that isn’t it good enough for her to drink half the bottle? I mean it looks like she’s full. When is the time when we’re helping and when we’re forcing? I really don’t know this answer and all I know is I was getting emotional and I said that I’m getting annoyed by watching this treatment. So here’s my first trigger. I didn’t want to continue watching… it was crazy because I was trying to join the Aarti tonight with these two young sisters who was with their parents visiting from Columbia. I wanted to have them participate with cymbals and drums and singing… but because this went down… I totally forgot to do this. What I should’ve done is actually go up into the temple and participate in the Aarti because I needed space to calm down… but that was not my reaction. I wasn’t responding… I was reacting. I realize this now, but in the moment I was clueless. Because I was in this state I was carrying around this energy with me into my next engagement. Which… did not go well either. This is where I started triggering people. Well… actually when I got triggered… my reaction was already triggering the crew members helping feed the llama. I reacted emotionally and I wasn’t even concerned how my words were implying that the people helping were not caring about the llamas emotional state. I know they all care for the llama and they’ve been doing their best day in and day out feeding this llama. Also my words were implying that they were being forceful and possibly might be causing trauma for this little one. But my words as well was creating the same to the crew because I wasn’t conscious about my words… and acting out of emotional state. Again I didn’t realize this at this moment. It wasn’t until I sat to eat and was talking with one of the crew members and how she felt about our interaction. I felt responsible to apologize and admit that I was emotionally reacting and I do know that it’s challenging to feed this baby and having her resist is not easy. We’re all trying to help out and we all love her. So I wanted them to know that I know they are full of love and care but my reaction wasn’t productive and was not executed in a respectful manner. I got to apologize to three of the four. I’ll speak with the fourth member tomorrow when I see her. They are one of the huge reasons why I wanted to move onto property is because they are amazing people and I wanted to spend time with them. And I want them to realize that I know it’s difficult… but it was difficult to me to watch and I should’ve been able to walk away and let them do their task without my emotional reactive opinion. So again… we can get that I wasn’t in a very conscious state. I knew I needed to stop watching the feeding… and I wanted to calm down… but again… instead of walking upstairs into the temple… I walk over to the counter with two of the devotees. One of them I’ve been talking with mostly since I’ve been here. He’s very excited that I decided to move in… he’s been trying to get me to move in from the beginning. And the other devotee is someone I’m just getting to know. She is the one I was triggering… not that I was trying to trigger her.. but I know the crew wasn’t trying to trigger me either… but again for me triggering shows me areas I have attachment to and I need to work more in this area… so I’m not reacting… I’m able to respond. Again… I cannot help that this is going to be from my point of view…so if someone is to ask her how the conversation… it can be a completely different and so understand that this is only one perspective of the conversation. So… it started out very casually… The male devotee just came back with two of the volunteers. So I asked how that went and asked what they did. He said it was beautiful but getting very cold. They went to the lake and it was frozen over. They were there during the sunset so there was gorgeous views. They stopped a few places around the lake and found spending time with horses which they all enjoyed. I know many of the volunteers post on their social media, so I’m looking forward to see what pictures they were able to capture. So I was trying to have a casual conversation to just calm my nerves and also thought it would be a way to see if I can gain rapport with the female devotee. We don’t talk much generally and since I have a good relationship with the male… I thought this would be a good time to have a general conversation to get to know one another better. He said that he’s so happy that I have decided to join the community… and she said that she was so happy that he has decided to join us. He said that he has decided to extend his stay here for another few months. I was happy to hear this because originally he was going to leave shortly. I said… ok great… you’re planning on staying through the festival then? That will be nice to spend so much time together. He was happy to be sharing time as well. He ended up saying that he’s looking forward to preaching during that time… and then he stuck out his tongue and said… wait I don’t like that word “preaching”… he said… I’m looking forward to “sharing” during this time. I said yes I agree… I like the word sharing as well and like to use this. So I was talking more about the more fundamental definition of how I perceive preaching to sharing. I was saying that sharing is more of a conversation where all parties are able to be involved with the conversation… where preaching there seems to be only one person speaking and everyone is expected to listen. In my opinion… I’d enjoy the sharing compared to preaching. Well… I obviously wasn’t communicating clearly or… possibly… again this is my opinion… they are assuming something behind my words. The female devotee started saying how this is not what she sees in sharing. To her she is not interested in hearing other people’s beliefs… if they are coming into the temple, they should be open to hearing about our beliefs, but that doesn’t mean we are necessarily open to hearing about their beliefs. She said that if she was going into a Mormon temple she doesn’t think it’s ok for her to share her beliefs about Krishna… she’d expect people to ask her to leave is that was the case. I was trying to let her know that I’m not insinuating that sharing means sharing beliefs… I’m talking about having the ability to have conversations with people. Especially if people have questions… that’s allowed correct? Many people visiting this temple are new… so I’d think they’d have questions. The male devotee said yes… of course I love questions… and I know this to be true… I’ve seen him interact with the visitors. He’s very warm and welcoming and I haven’t really seen him not open to questions. But I know the female devotee wasn’t feeling like she was being understood by me. I was trying to tell her that I’m not trying to have a conversation about converting one another… I was trying to talk generalities of what the difference between sharing and preaching means to me… and was seeing if that was a safe assumption to what was being meant when he said he’s excited to share with visitors. He put it a bit better for me when I messaged him earlier… but she is more on the orthodox style of Krishna consciousness. I was getting that from how she was communicating to me. Many of the words she was using was referencing the texts that they use… and these words should be explanation enough. Of course… I am not able to be tactful at times… so I know I responded with my own experiences with dealing with religions when I’m visiting their places of worship… Most of the people I seem to be drawn to are open and eager to have conversations about spirituality. And then I had to see if they notice when they get offended by people’s opinion if that’s something that they might recognize as areas of spiritual work? Again he was able to say that some of the work he’s learning is discernment. Which I agree is a great lesson to work through. But again… she was not liking me asking this question. It’s ok to not want to be open to hear things that are untrue. Krishna does not care about right or wrong. As long as people serve him is all he cares about. If we choose to not serve him, then we can find demigods to serve. I said what I’m trying to ask is… how do we know what spiritual work we should be working on personally? I said I’ve found when I get triggered… this is an area to work on… personally… I’m not thinking oh these people who are triggering me are wrong and untrue… hehe… well maybe in my reactive state, but when I take time to contemplate… I can see that this is not the case. This is a lesson for me to learn from. Not that the correct way to learn is to just take the opinion of the other people… but to ask why do I have such an emotional reaction to this topic? Again this is one way I can see spiritual work I have. She was not wanting to answer this questions… but the male devotee said that Bhakti is the way he does his spiritual work. Oh my goodness… how do I feel about sharing this? It gets even more intense… and should I be picking out all the details? Man… All I know is that I feel like we’re on the same team; however, our approach is different. I feel like I want to be more effective in my communication… and so I guess I’m trying to see how effective team members are with their communication as well. I feel like I am definitely out of place at times when I’m here… but I don’t know why this is. I feel like I’m an instigator… but am I intentionally doing this? I know I like people to explore themselves.. but I also know that when I see walls… that it’s not the time to continue. I still need to work on recognizing when conversations are getting intense… it’s the time to be much more cautious… and I find it’s when I’m getting more careless and that is not the way I want to be. I think we had an interesting engagement so I think I will continue. This really reminds me of the message I got last year… we are family but it doesn’t mean we’ll get along… hehe. I shook my head when he said this. I was hoping to further engage in this response but the female devotee was again not liking my conversation. I don’t know how to really type out this conversation that was being had because there’s bits a pieces that comes into my mind… which are probably out of order and hard to follow.. but darn it… I’m wanting to purge… so I’ll have to do it the way that is coming to me. So I wanted to see if they understood that if we are open to having sharing conversations and we hear something that we don’t agree with… we can respond in different ways.. right? I was even trying to use Krishna or even their founder Swami Prabhupada in a hypothetical. If we would assume if they were having conversations with people who are saying untruths that they would be triggered by this? Or would they be able to be so deeply in their truth that other people’s opinion wouldn’t phase them. She was telling me that their mission is to serve Krishna and Swami Prabhupada has asked his followers to share the Bhagavad Gita to everyone… they are to awaken people and it’s a state of urgency. And again… it was not the time to ask her questions… I know she was upset but I did not stop myself. I was saying that I have heard how well Swami Prabhupada who she really is a devotee too as well with Krishna… How well I’d assume he was able to connect and communicate with people here in the States when he came by river boat. I feel he wasn’t as effective as he was, if he found his solution was to ignore people who spoke untruth. I figure he’d understand and embody truth to the point that he knew he would have to talk to people who didn’t share this understanding. To be able to be as effective as he was… he had to be open to engage in conversations where sharing was being done. She said that he was sharing the words of Krishna… he wasn’t being influenced by their beliefs. Again.. I wasn’t saying this was the case… for some reason I feel like she thinks I’m trying to convert them… I’m trying to see how much spiritual work can still be done to be more effective to share God consciousness or Krishna consciousness… just helping raise consciousness…. Which is where we find ourselves… and I find myself… hehe… and I keep wanting to ask myself… how much effort do I really need to do… it’s already happening and what am I really drawn to do while I’m hear. I thought maybe having conversations with other spiritual devotees… but she did not like the fact that I came to the conclusion of Bhakti before arriving to this temple. She definitely feels like there is something wrong with me. I told her that’s fine for her to have this opinion of me. I know that I am who I am and I’m confident of the love of myself and the divine… I’m not here to have her like me. I don’t need her approval to continue loving and serving. She has asked me to not talk to her. I said that is fine. We don’t have to talk… that is not a problem. With my schedule… we won’t have many opportunities to engage anyway. I’m working the shifts she’s unable to do. So… maybe I’m not really here to talk everything out? lol… I know I’ve found people to have conversation with… and again… not generalizing that everyone will be easy to talk with. I can again work on discernment. There’s so much to work on… hehe… and again I feel I’ll be blatantly being shown on all these areas. And maybe if I’ve got the time to actually work on these areas… I’ll be able to transmute these energies into something more peaceful and embracing. Again… they’re my family… we don’t have to get along… but do I still have love for them… yes… do I see myself in them… yes… do I need to be understood? No… that’s what’s hard to chew… how much I’d like to be understood.. but it’s not necessary though either. Do I need to be more understanding… yes… I can do a lot of internal work here.. and I like to see all these mirrors helping me see things in myself that are more obvious for me to adjust at this time… let’s see if I’m allowed to stay… geesh… by getting her so upset… I’m hoping that I’m not going to get kicked out. Who knows… we’ll see how it goes. I’m looking forward to see how the perfection of Reality plays out. Ok… I’ve got some shopping to do tomorrow. There are supposed to be three guests coming tomorrow and staying for three nights and leaving on Friday. I want to grab some drinking water, some bowls, plates, and cutlery so they can have snacks if they want. I already want to get snacks like fruit and nuts and veggies… so I figured I’d go ahead and offer them to the guests. The grocery story will actually be open in the morning so… I’d like to get there early and get this taken care of before they arrive…. Which I’m uncertain when that will be. I might also get some bottled water too? We’ll see… I was speaking with the wife and she thought putting a little something in the home for them would be nice. I’m sure they’re going to be eating at the temple mostly. But Im looking forward to the company. I’d like to get some more reading done and get to bed early. Ok… this helped out a bit to get some of these things out. Again… I’m not trying to demonize anyone if that is what it seems like I’m doing… I’m purging… this is spiritual purification… it helps me not have to linger so much attention and energy in rolling over the conversation and interactions over and over again. Alright you guys know what I’m saying… until next time…
  9. Interesting… I went to post and my new wifi connection didn’t have internet connection… so I have to use my mobile hotspot on my phone. When I returned… everything I typed had been deleted. Bummer… but I wonder if I’m not supposed to publicize my opinion about what went down my first 24 hours here on the Temple’s property. Hmmm… I’m sitting here debating if I should go ahead and write it all out again. I was about to do a little more reading of the Bhagavad-Gita before I rest. I’d like to get up early to do another round of Sura Namaskara and Yoga Nidra before helping with the tofu turkey feast for lunch. Welp… I guess I’ll just see how I feel the next time I post. Maybe I’ll go ahead and give a gist of what went down next time… I’m quite tired and want to get some rest. It is interesting though… hmmm… I got some insights while I was purging… so maybe that was all I needed to do was to purge and not necessarily share. Alright… happy holidays everyone… whatever allows us space and time to celebrate and be grateful… until next time…
  10. Ok… so I was exhausted yesterday after I got back from the hot springs. It was absolutely beautiful and they kept a lot of the natural elements to it, but ohhh… we were not ready for the hike. Well more like the ice we encountered… hehe… I think I mentioned on my last go at the wilderness therapy gig… that my hiking boots busted and so I went with my tennis shoes and so did mostly everyone else. There were two that had decent shoes but the rest of us… well we were slipping and sliding everywhere. A few of us were really timid… so what we were told would only be a 45 minute hike… took the group 2 and a half hours… hehe. So we did not stay to schedule. I mean most of us didn’t have time restrictions but the ex who took us was trying to get back in time so my roommate and his daughter didn’t get upset with him. Well because we were running late… unfortunately they were upset. The daughter got over it fairly quickly because she was laughing when we got back and he took her to see some Christmas lights. But my roommate wasn’t happy and was very frustrated and vented to me and tears were showing. She was saying how he always looks like the good guy and she always feels like the bad guy. I didn’t want to actually get involved in the middle of this and so I let her vent. But I also was sore… hehe… I slipped and fell three times so finally I had to let her know that I’d like to sit and relax and eat my dinner. She seemed like she wanted to vent more.. but I did give her ample time… probably close to an hour… that was good enough form me especially since I was cooking and wanting to eat while this was going down. But anyway… I really liked hiking with everyone. We helped each other out… and I believe it was everyone’s first time at a hot spring except for myself. So they didn’t know what to expect and they all loved it! The way back was a bit more challenging then on the way up. Plus we were pretty much at our own pace instead of waiting for each other. I didn’t mind actually I finally got some moments to just walk in peace and quiet with nature. I was sliding down a lot on the way back too which was quite fun… hehe… We all made it back safely and I’ll get to talk to them tomorrow… but I believe everyone pretty much passed out when we returned. We got some pictures and videos… I hope to get their IG names so I can tag them as well. I did post a IG story yesterday. It was with the llamas and the African grey parrot, Ramu. It’s been well over a year since I’ve posted so I had many people reaching out to me saying they missed my posts and asking what I’m doing. It was also good to say hello and wish people happy holidays. I hope to try to get back to posting more this coming year. We’ll see how things play out. I know there’s videos of things last year that I might post as well at some point… I did like using the online social media for my album storages so I can get it off my limited storage I have. This morning I spoke briefly with the wife at the Temple. I think I should be able to move in tomorrow afternoon… but she also didn’t actually confirm that either… so we’ll see. I spent today packing. But I’ve also been thinking about my roommate and her daughter when it comes to Christmas. When I say that the ex brought a trailer full of boxes… it was crowding the living room where we couldn’t even see out of the double doors in there. I felt bad that they didn’t have any space to put up the Christmas tree. I know how much that means to kiddos… so I started moving all the boxes into my closets I have in my room. I allowed them the opportunity to put the tree up and kind of hinted that they could do this together all of them… before we left, but they didn’t end up doing this. But I think my roommate will probably do it once we go. All I know is I tried my best to clear space for them. All my stuff is stacked up and ready to go. So I’m hoping I get the green light with the wife so Elvis and I can move in tomorrow. Elvis usually gets the hint that we’re going to be leaving but he seems pretty content. I feel like he’s just getting more trust in me. This move is only about 15 minutes away so that should be fairly easy on him in the car as well. I’ve been trying to get Snow their cat to allow me to love on him. She kind of wants me to, but every time she smells me she gets upset so it’s not really working out too well… hehe. She is a little cutie… well she’s actually a little bigger than Elvis, but you know what I mean. I’m going to miss playing with the daughter. I know my roommate works a lot and we got a lot of time to play around together, but I’m hoping we can setup some play dates here in the future. My roommate said that they may even come to the Temple to play with the animals. I’d love that. But again we’ll see how things play out. The ex was bummed that I was leaving as well. He said that my roommate needs my rent money. I said right now she needs more space to put all the things he brought over. Plus the cats aren’t getting along. She knew I was looking for another place as well… over a month we’ve been talking about it. It was up in the air, but because of the load that was brought in… it helped my decision sooner than later. It funny that he’s concerned with my roommates financial situation. I know she makes decent money.. and I guess he makes six figures. But he’s barely paying any support money for his daughter. To me, it would be much easier for him to pay support to help them financially… but she said he’s a tight wad and is always stressed out by money. She said that he makes close to 13,000/month… lol… I chuckle because that’s more than I make in the past few years… hehe… and wow… I’m glad I’m not anxious and stressed out to his degree. I hope as I continue to increase my financial circumstances that I continue staying calm with my relationship. Actually I’m not worried about it… I’ve been working consciously about this… and as it increases… I’m sure I’ll make mistakes but I’m more healthy than I ever have been in the past. I’m looking forward how I observe myself as this happens. I took my bath today… again I was wiped out last night and pretty much slept close to 12 hours… hehe.. so I was looking forward to soaking. I cleaned the bathroom and the bedroom up so everything looks nice and clean. I’ll probably have to do a final sweep in the bedroom once all my stuff is out. I have some food in the fridge and freezer and then everything will be ready to go. I know where everything is however if I have to delay a few days. I’m getting a bit excited. I’m not even sure how the place looks.. hehe… I’ve got an idea of what I’m getting into, but honestly I won’t know until I get there. I know by volunteering I’m at least committing to two weeks. So I feel it’s worth it to try out. I’m hoping things go well and I’ll be there longer. However, I feel like I might also be transitioning to wait for other opportunities that might be a better fit. But again who knows.. I’m open to see how things play out. Geesh! I’m looking at all my stuff and I’m like… why do I have all of this with me? Hehe… I know I was planning on staying a year here… but man… I did go a bit overboard. How much do I have… I have two tubs… two suitcases… two bags… and four backpacks and a box… plus a few items for my buddy and then two bags for food. That’s quite a bit. Oh… and my bed with all my pillows.. hehe… Yes… this will probably be one of the first things I address when I get moved in. Start the purging process. I feel like I’ll continue to purge while I’m moving around and figuring things out… but I can definitely get a good jumpstart to this at the beginning of the year. I’m almost out of my tobacco. I feel like it’s getting to be perfect timing. I think I have enough to last me until the first of the year. I might have the speciality tobacco saved back for ceremonies too. I lost a piece to my small pipe so I”ve got my grandpa’s pipe out and using that right now. I’m not sure if I want to use this pipe for ceremony though.. I’ll have to think about it a bit more… but it’s not the easiest to clean so it’s not the best to get a good hit from it. But again… I’m not sure when I’ll be sharing ceremony. I know the girl from German would like to… and I think I’m interested in sharing it with her too… but who knows if it will really go down. I saw a thread here on the Forum and I think I might have heard it before but didn’t really think about it… but absorbing Bufo or DMT through the rectum… I’d be down to try it out. And I know people won’t have as many issues of actually getting a good hit with this approach… hehe…. I just don’t know how comfortable people will be if I told them the way we’re going to administer the ceremony through the anus will go… hehe… well it’s in my awareness… so maybe this might be something to try for myself of course before I asking any guests to do this. I definitely have not run into anyone I’ve spoken to who have access to this style anyway… but crazier things have happened. I’m really looking forward to getting into the country more. There’s are some horses that neighbor the property… kind of… I didn’t know it was there until yesterday driving by. I knew the cows were ther but not the horses. Of course that always interests me. I might take a walk over there and see if I can volunteer with them as well. Again… there are some things I’d like to focus on for a bit… with my spiritual practices… I feel like I want to be less distracted at this time. Ok… I just waned to give a little information before tomorrow morning. Hopefully they’ll be some exciting news to share. Oh I’m not sure if there’s even going to be decent WiFi there… hehe.. the international volunteers said they have WiFi at their cabin but it’s hit or miss on the connection. They said the Temple has the better WiFi signal. I’m hoping the location I’m at will be a bit better because I feel there will be less of us there who want to share the service. But I thought I can go to the library and pick up hotspots if I had to. I forgot they rent out some hiking gear… I wonder if they have spikes to lend out. If I go back to the hot springs… I’d want to have some spikes on. Alright… this is good enough for tonight. Until next time…
  11. Alrighty then… I tried my first personal message here on the Forum… well actually I tried before but I didn’t have access, but I tried again last night and I was successful. And I got a response which is great! I still feel like I’m more effective on a one to one basis… so I’ll see how it goes. I felt like the conversation is right up my alley so I thought we could have a more direct conversation to address things. Anywho… Today I planned on staying home and I was looking forward to a soak… hehe… While I was soaking I gathered some insights and made some decisions. After I cleaned myself I just laid down pretty much with only my nose sticking up for what seemed like a half hour/45 minutes… and allowed the meditative state to kick in. So I’ve been observing this Krishna temple for a month now. And even though I have some reservations… I feel like the right move for me is to move in on property. I wasn’t certain but I think this location can facilitate opportunities that I’ve been looking for. Is it perfect? No, but I don’t need perfect to grow. I’ve been wanting to quit smoking recreationally and also gain more yogic consistency with practices that I enjoy. I feel like I’ll be more likely to implement these practices if I was living on property. I’ve been talking to the wife about the smoking thing.. and I know she doesn’t want it on property… but I also know that I’m working on quitting so I think she’s going to give me some leeway. She’s already giving me leeway with my cat. But I also know how much I want to respect her policies… so I’ll be pushing myself more than when I’m on my own. The thing is she’s used to having volunteers coming through programs like WWOOF and Workaway. I did not go through these programs. I came on my own which got her to question my intentions… hehe… but we work well together and I’m transparent with her. Yes they offer yoga in the evenings, but I’m not certain if I’ll be attending these regularly… it’s just not particularly my style. But again there’s potential to meet the people who are participating. I got a ride from a sweet couple last night so I’m sure I’d enjoy more conversations… so I might because of this. But I’ve got practices that I enjoy that I want to build consistency with. Again this environment should facilitate this. I’ll be moving into housing that’s pretty much going to be empty on my floor with a family of three in the basement. I already know the dad.. and I’m looking forward to meeting the wife who is originally from Nepal.. and I believe the kid is 16. So of course I’d like to get to know them better. But also having spaces that are open to practice asanas will be nice and giving myself more time for meditation and pranayama is something I’m looking forward to. With the conversation with the German anthropologist something was sticking out to me. She said… so you’re trying to get to Nepal.. so just keep that as your focus. Everything else doesn’t matter. lol… yes I guess this could be a way to look at it, but really everything does matter… but Nepal is my focus. I’ve looked into ways of how to get this project started… and I feel like I want to try to approach it again. There might be already people I’ve met that I feel can start to help me with this. I’m sure there are things I’m missing but the point is to start where I think I can find leads to more information. So I met the product designer who own the home I went to dinner with… he mentioned angel investors… so they was a key word that stood out when I was in meditation. Does he actually know any personally? Could I arrange a meeting to see what angel investors look for when applicants are sent to them? I can see, right? And then I thought about the Mormon siblings and the brothers who make movies and they pitch to investors to get money for them to produce their projects. Why can’t I see how this works and how they got a list of investors? Can I set up a meeting with these investors as well? So who knows if this is the time for me to make these moves… but again… it doesn’t hurt to try.. if I fail and make mistakes… ok I’m not ready and the people who want to help haven’t found me either. I’ll need to get a better understanding on how this all works. Shoot I also thought maybe I can possibly have a booth at this Color festival trying to raise funds to Nepal and might be able to come up with some artwork maybe… I don’t know about this.. but it popped into my head as well. Shoot I have to admit… this is the first time in my life I think I might look into unemployment. I have no clue what this involves or how to qualify. I’ve never asked for assistance from the government except when it came to my college loans. Maybe I can find programs to help me out right now… maybe not but I feel like I would do it temporarily if I did get accepted. I’m just trying to make sure I can get the groceries and travel expenses covered because I think I’m about to go into business mode. But focusing on my business. I’d have to say it’s close to the non-profit that’s been popping in and out of my mind for the past few years… I still have it here… and I no the rules and restrictions doesn’t give me a good taste.. but I’m hoping to find a way that isn’t so much that way… hehe… but who knows.. but I”m open to find out if I can create something or find something. So after my bath… I’m feeling good. I had a message from my Indiana radio friend because we had arranged to chat today. He asked if we wanted to go ahead and do a video chat. I am open to that as long as he was. But I wanted to take a quick smoke break. He wanted to grab a coffee so I had a little time. I decided to message the wife at the Temple to see if she had any reservations for me and my cat to move in and have me volunteer. I didn’t read her response as I was talking with my friend. I was fully engaged in the conversation. So again… I love seeing how he operates. When we first began he said he hasn’t used the video chat in many years. He reminded me of how conversations go differently from messaging.. to calling.. and now to video calling. He doesn’t know what’s appropriate… hehe… in his acting days he was used to watching the camera and that’s what he thought he would do. But at times he’ll try to look at my screen to gather some information. I chuckle to myself… because once we start going he won’t have to worry about any of these issues…hehe… but to see how comfortable he is in these engagements. By the way… he enjoyed the video chat. And so did I… of course the more information and details I absorb the more I gain. But that’s me. But yeah.. wow… i feel like we have exceptional conversations. I really love his candor and I feel we give each other room to be vulnerable and honest with the topics we are engaged with. He has a degree and I believe a masters too… so he has a tendency to do a lot of research and reading to gain a better understanding of how things are in Reality. Which again is fine with me but of course I’m trying to get him to eventually have more direct experiences with these topics for himself that he doesn’t have to refer to these books and other people’s thoughts. They can definitely be referenced but to hit home… correlate it with how it’s been applied and what results are coming from the research through …. Da..da…daaaah… direct experience. Do our own research on the results that’s being given to us. Sometimes it’s great to feel a flow with someone where we don’t have to overly explain everything. There’s a language being understood through the words we are speaking. I feel we can get into this together fairly easily. We really are listening to one another and we’re interested in the conversation. I absolutely love this! He was thinking about possibly talking about things that are more on the 3D side of life and so I was telling him what I just thought about in my bath soak. Told him what steps on making to live at the Temple. He wanted some information about that and so we talked generally about this. He had mentioned a few years back before covid he was in Salt Lake City thinking of getting a second job there but found he didn’t want to have two lives spread out from Utah and Indiana so it didn’t fall through. But he said that he wished he would have slowed down so he could get those opportunities to talk to people about their spiritual practices. I said it was funny because that was just what happened to me. I had to slow down and see that there is a bigger opportunity in front of me other than trying to get a job to save money to go to the places I said I want to go. This can be achieved but in a different manner than getting some random jobs that’s going to keep me away from the location that can harbor a space for my growth and exploration. Why not allow myself the this time? I think meeting the international volunteers are also helping me give a push, because I know they’re not going to be here long… a few weeks… I wanted to be on-site to have more opportunity to get to know them more. I also know there’s just been really great conversation with the visitors as well… I’ve been loving this… again why wouldn’t I put myself in the location this is happening? I know I am trying to find ways to do things differently… and it may have seemed obvious to possibly some readers here… but to me.. it wasn’t so obvious. I mean I knew I wanted to spend time here.. but this money thing was really getting into my head. But that conversation about my real goal is Nepal. And honestly it really is.. and so I want to be able to put my attention on this project. I’m not getting these trivial positions because I have a mission I want to focus on. And damn it… no need to distract myself… allow my time to nourish and explore these ideas. As I was talking to my Indiana radio friend.. we realized how beneficial it is to engage in this manner and to find community which allows this to happen on a more consistent manner is what I have here. By the way I did send an invite for him to join us here at the temple if he can find at least time for two weeks of volunteering. It would be a blessing to have him here and I think it would be a blessing for him to also jumpstart some changes he’s wanting to create as well. I’m going to have to go on a tangent about this.. because some of my former conversations with the wife.. she had mentioned that if I was stay in the place I’m planning on moving into.. if there are volunteers that come and stay at the same location that she would need someone to oversee them and make sure they get everything they need… kind of like a RA (resident assistant)… I feel like I could definitely do this. But what would she think if I start recruiting volunteers? I’m not sure if she’d mind as long as they follow her structure. Right? And honestly my work is to elevate consciousness.. it’s the same as she but in a different way. I know she loves my personality and how I can attract people… so I don’t think she would mind at al.. hehe… I’ll talk to her about his when the time is right. But I did already send out two invitations… hehe… I briefly spoke to my girlfriend in my hometown who is on disability. I told her this could be an opportunity for her. She’s struggling with her leg… but getting her more active is what we’re trying to motivate her to do. She thought possibly spending two weeks in beautiful Utah volunteering with the animals and learning more about spiritual practices can be something she’s interested in. Again… she’ll have to make the steps to get here. She was supposed to call me later in the day which she did not do. But I’m planting seeds. I’m always planting seeds… hehe… and I’m gaining more patience in the process. Things are just different lately and I’m really excited for the potential. I’ll go back to the conversation I was having. We were talking about balancing the masculine and feminine… it was interesting how he was applying this to different projects he’s been working on… I can go into the example he had for his radio station. He is talking simply as masculine is the action and the feminine as the receptive. He’s still working things out in this mind but he had thought to possibly say when needs aren’t being met… we tend to be in the masculine side of things… we got to be active to do things and get things done and moving. While if our needs are being met then we can relax and receive. I found this interesting and to a degree I feel like he might be on to something. I guess I didn’t discuss this with him because it’s just now beginning to come into my mind of the law of attraction. I feel like I can give a personal example of getting a job thing. I was in my masculine thinking I need to make things happen so I can start saving money to travel. I’ve been finding myself pushing but I kept coming up with no results. I’ve been getting messages to rest and relax and meditate. So if I use his theory then I was in my masculine because I was feeling I was getting my needs met.. so I turned to my masculine side to get the results I thought I wanted… in the way I thought it was going to work for my situation. But… when I did give a more conscious effort to relax, rest, and meditate… go into my feminine side of reception… I was able to gain clarity onto my next few steps. As I approach my decision to move into the temple grounds and volunteer will allow me to be able to focus on myself and what I want to create… I was find solutions where my needs were getting met. Interesting? I love it! I knew he was on to something and I’ll have to tell him about this… Now we both understand that this is an understatement of masculine and feminine but in a relative way I see this can be beneficial and I feel like I understand more of what the law of attraction is trying to say.. because I’ve seen a tangible example in my experience to clarify more understanding. I can see that I could have come to the same conclusion of moving in and volunteering but have it to where it was a last minute decision because I could think I’m lacking these things in my life and again try to make things happen and be in my masculine saying to myself unconsciously that my needs are not getting me so this is what I have to do. I’m not sure if this is making sense… but I enjoyed being able to link his research and his insights into my life. And I’m grateful for having these times to communicate in the way we find ourselves communicating. I told him at the end of our conversation that what we do when we give each other the time and energy… is a gift. hehe… he was planning on going to get some gifts at the end of our conversation and he was anxious about it and wasn’t looking forward to it. I happened to ask him how he usually approaches gifts… does he get something they need, or want, or experiences to share? At first he didn’t want to talk about it because all the tension he has been building having to do this. But he recognized that he’s open to take a look at it. It ended up going into the love languages and he said that he finds that he enjoys quality time and acts of service to give to people. I asked if he thought there could be a way that his desire to do this for people could be met while giving his gift to these two people he was buying for. I also asked if there would be a way he could take these two people at different times to go and buy gifts together? We mentioned how material gifts can be easily dismissed and thrown away or discarded… so why not make the buying of the gift quality time together with the people? One is going to be more playful in nature and the other would be a possibility to have a bigger purchase and he would be giving his budget amount towards that item. So I was trying to see if he could ease off the pressure of buying the “right” gift… hehe.. he appreciated that we talked about it because he started to clarify what he wanted to do when he was flustered before. Shortly after we got off the video chat he sent me a voice recording saying… wow… exactly… the time and energy and effort that we put into this conversation really is a gift… and he thanked me. I chuckled to his response because… of course it is… but sometimes we just need someone to point it out to us… and sent him hearts in response. I can’t wait until we meet in person again. I think he’s getting a better idea of how comfortable I can get the setting for us. He’s placing the pressure on himself… but I know this… and I’ll help him to relax into our engagements. So mostly I’ve been trying to pack my things up. I thought maybe I should purge some of my items before I move, but now I think I’m just going to wait. I might sell or give away some of my items but I think it would be easy for people to find me at the Temple. Plus it can be a public spot to make people more comfortable as well. And who knows I might find people through conversation that I can start giving my stuff away. I’m thinking I”m going to start lightening my load even more. If my girlfriend from my hometown comes and visits.. I might pay for a checked bag when she returns to take back to my pops place. I brought some items that I want to keep but I don’t want to travel with them. I feel traveling will be coming up and the lighter my load the less stress and more potential for opportunities. I already have my little buddy with me… and he’s important for me to have as a companion. I don’t need to be dragging so many things around with us. I’ve been learning how I operate when I travel and so I’ll be comfortable getting it down to the nitty gritty. I”m sure there’s more for me to learn… but I’m happy for the mistakes I’ve made already… I’m grateful for all the experiences I’ve had to lead me to this moment. There’s no way I’d change a thing. This seems like a good stopping point for tonight. I’ve got things pretty much packed and ready for our hike and soak in the hot springs tomorrow. Yay! So until next time…
  12. I spent the day at the temple. I was planning on spending time with the volunteers. I arrived around noon and they were getting ready to eat lunch. When I arrived.. my bus driver didn’t know where the entrance to the Temple was located and there were three vehicles turning onto the road. So I noticed there was a lot of activity for a Tuesday. The male llamas were close to the road so I said hello to them. I don’t think I mentioned this but when we’ve been grooming them and walking them… when we take them on a walk we line them up from alpha down by age. So I’m starting to get an idea of this when I visit the males. The second alpha is a beautiful llama and he was down there standing on a little hill. I was saying hello and there were others around. It feels like it’s noticeable which one are the top alphas… I knew which one was the alpha and the second alpha without being told. When she did confirm this I found it interesting. But as I was walking onto property I saw a very large gathering of Indian family. I spoke with them briefly and they have been on a roadtrip and they’ll be heading back to Las Vegas after their visit. I noticed a devotee sitting outside and so I sat down to talk with him. I saw some of his art today which was really amazing work. It was a drawing with charcoal and maybe chalk and pen…. He did a commissioned piece of Jesus Christ. He did a very nice job… I’m hoping I can see what else he creates. We didn’t have an in-depth conversation. He’s looking for a part-time job and we share that… he continues to ask me why I don’t just move in to the property. I’m thinking about it, but I also feel hesitant. I wanted to say hello to the female llamas as well… so that’s when I spoke with the family visiting. It was a gorgeous day and relatively warm. I was definitely over dressed… good thing I wear layers. But most of the ladies were wondering around outside of their pen area. I love being around the animals but I went inside to visit. I ate a late breakfast so I wasn’t hungry at this time so I just sat down to visit. The Indian family also sat down to eat and they had several children… I thought Ramu the African grey parrot might be a great idea for them to get entertained. I went to one of the fathers that I spoke with outside and he said that would be awesome but honestly he’s wanting to leave after they eat. If we bring Ramu for the children.. they’ll never leave.. hehe.. I said I’m glad I asked… hehe.. another father asked to warm up some milk for his baby. So I helped with that. And then one of the workers I’ve met a few times with volunteering walked in with his girlfriend and his three year old daughter. I have seen pictures of her but she’s so stinkin adorable. I finally made my way to her and we became friends immediately… hehe.. we were dancing and singing together. The Filipino WWOOFer also is an instant friend… she’s the one who showed me pictures of her… so we were playing with the child. But it seemed like all the volunteers were tired and were heading to take a nap. The brief time I sat with them I told them that my roommates x has offered to take the group somewhere on Thursday but there was a window we have… so we were trying to figure out what to do. Eventually we originally thought we’d go to Y Mountain and take a hike at the top. Later I was speaking to the wife and she said that’s quite boring. She suggests we go to the hot springs. I said I hadn’t heard of the hot springs… would we be able to fit it in the time we have? She said we should be able to and gave me information. I’m going to call tomorrow to double check that the roads aren’t closed. It’s been mild where we are, but the mountains can be a different story. I spoke with the volunteers around dinner and they seemed to like the idea. So yay! I hope it falls into place. But since the volunteers were going to take a nap… I figured I’d hangout with the child and her parents. I got to know the girlfriend a little bit. She’s making dream catchers for the gift shop. She also is thinking about making earrings as well for them to sell. She wanted to look for more feathers so I went with them to do this. The child wanted me to carry her and I got her to be the leader and I’d just follow and see where she wanted to explore. I spent a good amount of time with them until they had to take the child to an appointment. I hope I continue to get a chance to spend with them again… hehe… especially the daughter… I cannot help enjoying my time with the kiddos… hehe I decided to go and make some videos of the animals. I ended up in the field with the female llamas. I havent’ really spent any alone time on the land so I laid down and just enjoyed listening to the birds and the llamas walking and eating close by. It’s really beautiful on this land and the surrounding mountains. I continue to remember to be thankful for finding opportunities to enjoy these moments. I’ve been wanting to spend time out in nature more… so it was nice to find this time. I went to their cabin to see if anyone was up and about. It was quiet… I said hello to Ramu and there were three other birds which I think are Macaws. They are not as sweet and friendly as Ramu. One was actually trying to intimidate me… hehe… and he did a good job so I kept my distance from him. None of them can fly and I’m not sure how I feel about this. Right… I love animals but having them so far from their natural habitat doesn’t feel right though either. But it’s unfair to reintroduce them to their natural habitat when they don’t have all their abilities for survival. I can understand why they’re grumpy. So I wanted to say good bye to the wife before I left but one of the German volunteer came into grab some water. I was hoping to get some time to talk to her, but she wanted to take a nap as well. We started talking and finally we just talked for an hour and a half and ended up at the field again. I really enjoy her and we have some similarities in our personalities… hehe… it was great to have time together because it was easy to just talk about things that are going on in our lives… it was easy for us to be vulnerable and transparent. I don’t think I’m going to go into everything we spoke about… but one thing I’ll mention is she has been to Nepal before. She was envolver with one of the largest NGO programs in Nepal. So she said if I’m interested in volunteering in Nepal she would be able to give me a good contact. It was funny because she’s trying to help and has come up with strategies I’ve been trying to do, but for some reason it’s not falling into place right now. So I’m trying to allow time and space right now to feel things out. She’s so sweet though and I appreciate her support. We ended up eating dinner together. It was interesting because she’s had issues with food for most of her life. And it’s hard for her to digest. She said she’s been vegan mostly but still this didn’t help with her digestion. Of course I feel she can find a solution and I told her I got specific messages about changing my diet through ceremony and it continues to give me messages. I feel she would be able to receive those types of messages as well. She was talking about an app that she’s been using for a month now. She said it’s myHumanDesign. I’ve heard about it but it’s been a long time since I’ve ran across it and so I had to reintroduce it when I came back to my space. It’s interesting, but I’m not sure how much I’m going to use it. But what I did find interesting was how it had mentioned that when she is eating they suggest she sits to eat with low sound… so not having much conversation and multitasking… they also suggested for her to not use utensils and to use her hands. We were pretty much the only ones in the dinner area at the time… so I suggested we do this together. So we ate in silence with our fingers. I love eating with my hands… and being in silence felt good as well. She had experience with eating with her hands when she was in Nepal. It took her about three weeks to get use to it.. but she now finds benefits with it. I forgot to mention she’s an Anthropologist… which is very fascinating! We’ve already mentioned that if we can find a space to share ceremony… we’d like to share together. It’s funny because I’m thinking… hmmm… is this going to be the first girl on the team for the spiritual expedition? That would be really awesome if that’s the case. I actually told her a little more details of why I’m wanting to go to Nepal. It was easy to again be vulnerable with her. By the time dinner was done… the wife asked all of the volunteers to perform the chanting and music for the Aarti.. I really enjoyed participating in this. This is what we do for Sunday service, but to be able to share this with the international volunteers in a more intimate setting really felt good. We were chuckling about them only being there for three days and they’re already in a band… hehe… the wife said she was pleasantly surprised and maybe we should do it for the next Sunday service because there are going to have many of the usual leaders who sing and play won’t be there this coming Sunday. So I think it’s a great idea. We did a lesson as well with the wife which was interesting. There is a closing prayer for Aarti which she says protects us and closes the ceremony. So she told us the background story about why they use this particular closing prayer. I don’t have any of the names down…. But there were things she said that seemed interesting. It actually lead to a Shiva yogic sect which she feels is quite scary. Of course I’ve seen pictures of this group and of course I’m curious what can be learned from them and I feel like there’s probably misunderstanding going on. But who knows… I’m sure I’m quite naive to the different sects found in India. After the story she went into the Bhagavad Gita only for a little bit because the yoga class was going to be starting soon. I’ve got the book and honestly I haven’t started reading it yet. I’m curious to see if and when I start. I think I’m interested in at least giving it a try to see how I feel when reading it. The section she was reading was about how to become a yogi. There was a good turn out for the yoga class. And I’m glad I participated because asana practice has been in my awareness and also how I’m resisting starting up the practice again. It feels so good when I participate though. They go a lot faster than I do when I practice on my own, but it still feels soooo good. There are things that I’m wanting to change and so I feel like I’m just giving myself grace to find the time to implement these changes. I think this will be good for tonight… until next time…
  13. Alright… so this evening went really well. I was invited to a dinner by one of the people I met yesterday at the Temple’s dinner. He was a WWOOFer at the beginning of the year at the Krishna Temple and has been hopping around Utah and he’s heading to Arizona for a little while before heading back to California. He’s leaving on Wednesday and wanted to get to know me a bit better and sent an invite. I happened to take a nap earlier and when I received the invite I thought it would be a good idea. He first asked to do it tomorrow where we would have the entire day, but I had already told the girl volunteers that I would visit on Tuesday. So I said I”m available now and tonight if that works for him. And it was great. He’s staying with a semi-retired couple. He was helping them with some yard projects and found them through the network with the inter-faith group. When we were in the car ride I was able to get to know the husband of the couple who was hosting. His profession is product design. Inventors have concepts and pattens and they go to him to design prototypes and his partner builds the prototypes. So he’s a bit of an inventor in his own right. We talked a bit about how much there has been changes in his design concepts being more aware of the sustainability of the products being made. I was wondering if there was a standard when it comes to being more aware of how to dispose of the products being design. He said there is a standard that is being formed that has that included and when he began it wasn’t there. He mentioned that when he goes toward the production process there are countries who don’t have the best reputation of manufacturing practices that aren’t sustainable… do take standards of building so they still use these countries with specifications to follow. There’s a lot of work and he can feel himself wanting to wind down but his partner is still in full force… hehe.. but he’s still managing it. We spoke about his family and he shared how he met his wife on the disco floor dancing New York swing. I loved it! He had a lovely home with an amazing view of the city of Provo. They were up on the mountain and I enjoyed being in their home and grateful for them to allow me to spend time with my new found friend. While I was at the home I helped my friend cook our dinner. He’s leaving soon so we were using up the ingredients he had and he would have left overs until he left. He also is a shaman. We have the similar ideas of everyone is a shaman. There was a difference because I say we are shamans whether we are conscious of it or not. While he feels people have the potential to be a shaman. I understand where he’s coming from. His definition of shaman is where people who have developed in a manner to be able to consciously heal or assist people. And yes I agree this is an ideal definition. I was trying to explain that how we behave is already affecting everything around us at all times. So even if we aren’t conscious of it or not… we are influencing feeling and thoughts which is powerful. I was trying to explain but it’s easier when he’s talking and then I can use his reference of an example as an example to what I was trying to convey. I think he got the gist of what I was saying. He’s very interesting and is on the logical/scientific side of perception however he’s spiritual as well. I found it interesting how our conversation unfolded. He’s very excited about his findings and what he wants to create and I’m excited for him. He said his plant medicine for him is raw fruits and vegetables. He’s found studies where eating large proportions of specific fruits and vegetables can attach to the same receptors in the brain to create the same experiences. Of course I find this interesting but I also determined that it’s not the same experiences but still it’s working for him. I told him later in the conversation that at the beginning I was trying to figure out a way to let him know that it’s interesting how many people he studies and he finds interesting, but I came to this dinner to meet him. If I get the chance to meet these people he’s talking with that will be great, but I’ll wait until I meet them and I’m not really interested in reading what they have written. It sounds a bit bad… because it’s not that I don’t find what their ideas are, but honestly I’ll be able to get more of having direct conversations with people than interpreting their words. He’s very engaged with reading spiritual scriptures and he feels like he’s having a direct conversation while he’s reading. I told him this seems like a gift he has and to realize this is not the same experience that everyone has when it comes to reading. So I guess I have to give a bit of background. He is planning a gathering with inter-faith participants and focusing on the youth. He combines around seven traditional practices into his core base of how he has building his understanding. We already were discussing that I feel he’s so into the scriptures that there might be a possibility that the youth will not connect as much as he’d like because it would feel like they’re going to a week gathering where they are being lectured to. And if he has truly practiced meditation practices… then there’s a high probability for them to turn off their hearing because they’re not being actively engaged. Is there a way to get them to be engaged or find ways to correlate the scriptures into experiences for them to understand the different between theory and actually begin the understanding that they are reading about? I just want to say… it’s really hard for me to write down every detail that’s being discussed. We are in the flow and there’s a lot that is being discussed in language and beyond language… so if I am unable to convey what really went down is something I’m working on. This Journaling process is helping me remember and gets my juices going and also a purging process. So bare with me.. hehe He appreciated the suggestions that I had for him. He can see that I was trying to brainstorm with him different aspects that sometimes he was aware of and other ones he didn’t think about. I was trying to get him to think about the long term. He doesn’t have to get all the information out in one gathering. If he thinks about his as an introduction then he can relieve some of the pressure of creating something that’s so bogged down with information. I was trying to get him to focus on getting the youth to increase their curiosity. Try to focus on making a connection so they want to continue to return. He wants to create something that goes farther than what’s already been done… so don’t fall into doing the same thing that’s always been done.. hehe. It was funny because he thought at the beginning of our engagement was getting pretty deep and I chuckled and said that this isn’t deep, but we’ll get there… hehe… and that’s what ended up happening. Each setting seemed to go deeper and deeper. We started in the kitchen of prepping. We moved into the dining room and it went a bit deeper. And then we ended up in the living room which only had little twinkle lights and much more intimate where we were able to go deeper with our discussion. By the end I was really lighting up and he loved it. I found myself apologizing that I don’t start off this way because it can be intimidating and uncomfortable for some. I have to feel out my way with how we are engaging which determines how comfortable I get for allowing myself to be this way. I was warning him that this is a way to possibly approach people as well. He is really passionate and I love that but there are times that he just doesn’t allow people to give feedback or even if they’re interested in the topic. Of course I’m patient and I guess I’m not afraid to give feedback and fortunately for him I am interested. I found myself giving him his power. I really wanted to give him confidence but also letting him know to make mistakes and be ok with this. Mistakes are genius ways to learn. We had a great conversation but again I’m falling short of explanation but he was getting the idea that he’s idolizing people because yes they are assisting in his learning but ultimately he’ll be so connected to the Divine… that he won’t be as interested in reading other people’s journey… He’ll have so many direct experiences and he’ll be exploring himself so much that he’ll be more interested in learning his personal connection than he will be with the scriptures he’s fascinated with. They are tools to point us to the direction to find these truths for ourselves. And who knows… we may be able to reach deeper understanding than who we are reading. Open his mind to his own divine power within him. He was glowing as well at the end of our conversation. I feel like there might be a little romantic curiosities that he had towards me. He was asking me things and complimenting me with things that was leading in that direction. I did find myself in an awkward moment a few times… which shouldn’t have been awkward…. But I try so hard to not have these topics being brought up… hehe. And I feel like this is something I need to look at. I’m not sure why I feel so uncomfortable when people are attracted to me. I think it’s because I don’t want to have to explain to them where I am romantically. I just figured we can have such great conversations that romance doesn’t have to be involved with it… hehe. But it’s getting obvious that there’s something I need to work deeper when it comes to romantic feelings and attraction. I want to be attractive but I’m also afraid when people are attracted to me… hehe… and this has to be addressed. I have addressed it but I also know there’s much more room to explore. This is a good lead in to another friend I have who is from Sweden and is traveling to Peru at the time. I mentioned him before. But we’ve been having some great conversations and he’s been assertive trying to plan something together that we can travel or spend time together. And I know I’d enjoy myself so much to do this with him. I don’t know if I have said this before… I feel like I have but there isn’t a way for me to organize this Journal and go directly to the location of where I was writing this information. And I honestly am not going to go back and re-read everything to find it either… hehe. But anyway… when I was heading to his place to meet him I remember how excited my body was to meet him… I was in my ceremony mode and so I get some residual affects outside of ceremony as well. I didn’t know what it meant but I know there was a large amount of excitement which I didn’t know why because I had not met him yet. We spoke over messages but it wasn’t anything too in depth. But when I met him I really did enjoy my brief time with him. And he does communicate well so our conversations can actually get somewhere when we talk. Yes it’s time to time and not all the time… but our recent conversations are leading to actually trying to plan to meet up this year. So yeah… I’m excited to see him. Who knows if it will lead to anything romantic… but he is also someone I don’t believe I’ve told him about my Australian. Our relationship wasn’t built around ceremonies and so the topic didn’t show up. I’ve been trying to see what mindsets I have set in place and possibly where I can see if I can adjust… and this whole romantic thing is something I’m thinking I need to look at from a different angle. I’m not sure what that looks like… but I know this is something I want to address. I’m not exactly sure how to approach it differently than what I’ve tried before. I feel like I’ve been open but most of that was prior to these messages I’ve received in ceremony. But I also have memories of how I felt when trying or being a part of any of this style of engagement since ceremony as well. Where’s the balance of not falling into the same lesson to learn and how to find an approach to learn? Geesh… I know this is something I’m going to be working on, but honestly I don’t know where to start right now. Maybe because I’m not comfortable of expressing things that’s been going on in my mind. I want to roll it over more I think…. Hehe… Things have been let’s say different lately and I’ve been noticing myself responding to different situations and so … I’m curious to see how this part of my life is different as well. I’m so focused on the Australian that I’ve not been entertaining any learning in this in a direct experiential way. I’m afraid of the feeling I have of regret engaging in things in this manner. So why does it feel like I’m missing something? I’m not sure what I’m missing right now… but we’ll see how it plays out. Ok… I feel like I want to take a break from the Journal… I think this is good for tonight. I plan on visiting the girl volunteers tomorrow. I thought maybe I’d go and volunteer at the Temple, but I think I’m just going to go to visit them. There’s insights I’ve been gaining about the Temple environment but again I dont’ want to go into it right this moment. My cat is laying next to me and I just want to cuddle with him and get some rest. Alright have a good one until next time…
  14. So… things have been interesting at the home life. I had an amazing time yesterday at the Temple dinner table again… meeting some amazing people. But I think I’m going to purge about the home right now before I go into the conversations. So… I knew that my roommates ex was coming for the holidays. She mentioned that her cat Snow will be arriving and she anticipates that Snow will not like having my cat here in the space. And she said that her ex is going to be bringing some of her storage stuff in a trailer. I heard this and I was open to see what this all entails. So Saturday night around midnight was when her ex arrived. Her six year old daughter was super excited… she hasn’t seen her dad for months and so she took a nap during the day while I was volunteering at the Temple and so she wanted to stay awake until he arrived. My roommate was trying to clean up her daughter’s room because that’s where her ex will most likely sleep. While she was cleaning she ended up twisting her ankle and so she’s been down and out for the last few days with all these changes going on. We heard a few days back that her ex had injured his back loading the trailer so they’re not in the best shape to doing any of the moving. So I assumed I’d be helping out. I waited up for her ex to arrive so I can allow him into the home and so I met him when he arrived. I was playing with the daughter and I know how extremely excited she was and how much she loves her dad because he loves to play with her. How the daughter describes is he always played with her and mom usually sleeps most of the time… hehe… it’s funny to hear how children describes their experience. But I was trying to joke around when he knocked on the door… giving the daughter a hard time but the ex did not find anything funny. He admitted that he is stressed out right now and so I didn’t stick around much I said my hellos and good nights to the daughter and went into my room to go to sleep. I slept in and when I went out I reintroduced myself to the ex while he was eating with his daughter. I offered helping him with bringing in the items. He appreciated the offer and the parking lot at the condo didn’t allow him to park the trailer here so he had taken it to Walmart so he was anticipating going back and forth with smaller loads. I was fine with this and it wasn’t as much as I thought. I mean there’s quite a bit of stuff… but it didn’t seem like I had to as much as I thought. But her ex and I had a good introduction. The topic rolls around to Spirituality and he’s more on the open side as a Mormon. He was talking about his twin’s brother turn around about ten to eleven years ago. He described it as his brother was dating a Russian ballerina and she had casted a spell on his brother. His brother was very depressed and upset in his life… he said it was worse than suicidal depression. He tried to get assistance with Western medicine and therapy and he wasn’t finding any solutions that worked for him. So he started focusing on meditation and spent many years in solitude in his room practicing meditation to help him recover from the state his twin found himself in. He also found a community in Arizona which gave him guidance on how to get out of this funk. They have strict practices and it really has changed his mindset. He said that he really knew how down his twin was and to see how big of a change he has been able to do was very inspiring for him. He wants to get better in meditation and mindfulness but he also is not patient enough to want to continue. He says there’s more immediate results that he finds through physical exercise and medications. He’s in the medical field as work position. I’m not sure exactly in what area but I can tell this is where his work lies. He was open to hear a little bit about my path a bit with plant medicine. But he seems to be similar to my roommate where they don’t allow a ton of space to reciprocate conversations. But I found it a bit easier to interject with comments with him than her. But again I did enjoy our conversation and he thanked me for my time and my offer. He had things he had to do and eventually he needed to take a nap as well. I had told him that I go to the service on Sundays…. So I can help now in the morning and early afternoon, but then I’ll be getting ready and unavailable until today, Monday. So I had time to play with the daughter before I had to get ready. I had to let her know that I’m going to get my bath ready for a soak… when I got the bath ready I apologized to the daughter, but her parents are going to be taking a nap and I’ll be in my tub… I asked if she’s ok with playing on her own. And she understood, but while I was in the tub I heard my roommate hobble out into the living room to watch her daughter. So this new cat Snow… she has been stressed traveling from Alabama in a vehicle and now that she’s here in a new location she smells my buddy everywhere she goes and she does not like this. I’ve tried to attempt to say my hellos to her but she smells Elvis and so she now knows I’m connected to the enemy.. this other cat in the space she’s in. They admitted she hasn’t been socialized to other animals. And I admitted that Elvis isn’t the best either. But he’s been doing fairly well. I haven’t seen him hissing just looking at wait.. is that another cat? So he’s been more on the curious side. Snow on the other has been hissing every time I see her and when she sees my buddy. I’m trying to keep Elvis in my room as much as possible. I think we’ll get an opportunity to get the cats together, but it hasn’t been time yet. We have boxes all over the place in the living room and out on the patio. In fact there was a gentleman from the church who came over this morning to help us bring in boxes and pails… I believe I understand this is mostly food storage in case hard times arrives they’ll have food rations. The gentleman was very helpful and I wish I could have more time to get to chat with him. But he helped and then took off. But as the boxes keep coming in.. he asked me if I’m going to help my roommate put these things up. I said I’m not sure… I didn’t really expect all this. And as I’m seeing what is now here… it continues to question if the best move for us is for me to possibly relocate so they have a room she can have to place her storage boxes…and also allow her cat to relax. So… it’s the 18th of December. Maybe I need to be a little more open to what kind of options I might have to find another home location. It’s been in my awareness but I haven’t been wanting to rush because I didn’t want to anticipate something that might not be the truth. So I’m still trying to see if I can not rush any decisions. So we’ll see how it goes. But maybe I need to really look at my belongings and see where I can reduce. Geesh… I might have to send stuff back to my pops? I don’t know possibly or maybe I can just get rid of things… I’m wanting to free up space and travel lighter. Let’’s see where I get later today. So I helped the ex last night about more boxes but we were having a great conversation. He was interested in how the temple dinner went and I told him about the students who are visiting at this time during the winter break. Most of them are international so they didn’t head back to their homes for the holidays. He was an RA when in undergrad and so he had experience getting to know international students and he enjoyed his time. He also mentioned some of the programs that he was involved in as well. He found a non-profit in California where they focused on the compassion side of end of life. He enjoyed learning from them but also mentioned they focused on more on Buddhist practices and was interested in learning more about their practices. He also mentioned he had been involved with homeless nonprofits. He knew how many of the programs he was involved with seemed like a bandaid and not making huge differences in developing them to want to be independent… in fact they were seemingly making them more dependent on the programs. So he’s interested in these areas but also found how much energy it takes to be involved in these programs. I tried to reciprocate in his line of conversation so I mentioned my experience with my grandparents during their time in hospice and my assistance but also the impact it had in my life. I also mentioned me friend who has chosen to go into homelessness and how our relationship has been within the last ten years. So I was trying to let him know that these areas have been introduced into my life and even though I was in a smaller intimate setting while he was involved with larger organizations… we found similarities. Again… it’s nice to get to know him a bit better. I know that he’s moving to Arizona and I’m wondering if he’s moving around his brother’s location. I haven’t found the time to ask but I think he’s getting rid of the trailer today so that will be a large responsibility off of his shoulders and so maybe he’ll be more open to have conversations without so much noise in the back of his mind. We’ll see how it goes. So yesterday at the Temple… my devotee friend who bakes homemade bread and cheeses came over to pick me up. We went to the temple and I was put to work right away to help feed the baby llama. After we were finished I was able to talk with him a bit more. So he has a history of working on his uncle’s farm when he was a child making goat cheese. He was explaining that cheese is essentially the same process but the addition of cultures creates the different variety of cheese. If cheese is not white then most likely people have added colored dye to get the different colors. He was laughing because he found people who look at white cheddar as a special cheese when in reality it’s the normal cheddar without color additives.. however people who make the cheese can profit more because the general public don’t understand what’s involved in making cheese. I didn’t know that either and I figured the orange cheeses where normal but I really never thought about milk not being orange… hehe… but we went into the mold process and how people really might prefer the stinky cheese is the aging process and allowing the mold to develop. I found it interesting that the sourdough bread used wild yeast pores which is just in the air. So he doesn’t have to purchase wild yeast. All he has to do is to combine flour and water and continue to do this each day… eventually the wild yeast in the air will find it’s way into the flour and water and it just does it without really trying. While I’m typing this out it seems like I might have heard this before… but maybe now I was able to give attention to the actual conversation. I find it interesting and wonder if this is the case regardless where we are in the world. Later in the night people were still lingering and speaking after dinner and I found he was standing in the corner watching… and so I asked him to come and meet the new volunteers… hehe… I know he’s a bit shy but he’s interesting and I mentioned to the two girls I was talking to one from Germany and the other from China. I told them he makes his own sourdough and cheese… they both loved it and asked if he would be willing to teach them. I said yessss… we should figure out how he can teach us this process because it would be fun and educational. He was shaking his head and said that yeah maybe he can set something up for next weekend. I wonder if I should ask him if we should start setting up things with the flour and water stuff during the week… so we’re ready to create the dough this weekend. I’m not sure how long the process is a few days… to a few weeks… I’m not sure but I would like to learn. Plus he has quite a bit of experience with cheese making so I’d like to see how this works. And how he orders the cultures. But we had a great conversation as he was taking me home. We gave each other a hug and I was mentioning how shy he was being with the new volunteers. He chuckled and said… he doesn’t normally talk with people. He’s not sure why but it’s easy for him to talk to me… but I seem to be getting him out of his shell.. but that’s not where he’s comfortable being… talking with people. I said he’s fun to talk to and so maybe he should allow more time to share with people because it’s going to be beneficial for all parties involved. So we’ll see how our relationship goes. So dinner time came around and I knew from last week that I want to sit at different tables and talk with different people who are joining the service. I saw an Eastern-Indian gentleman sitting alone and so I asked if I could sit with him. He said it’s fine. He’s been in the States for a year now and has a contract to stay another two years since he was approved for a three year working visa. As I sat down with him… the German girl asked to sit with us and of course I said yes. A young local who is training to be a guru sat with us. And finally the Chinese girl sat down as well. So I was trying to figure out where our conversation was going to go. I was asking questions to the Indian gentleman but it was apparent that he wasn’t too invested in getting into a conversation. He ate and apologized for wanting to leave and it was not a problem because when he left another gentleman sat down who is from California. He has been in Utah for a year and came to the Krishna temple for a few months at the first of last year. This is his last weekend in Utah and he’s traveling to Arizona for a few months before returning to California. He travels through WWOOFing and seems to be very interested in the farming practices. He’s been several locations in Utah for the year. He said this was the first time he lived outside of California. He’s traveled but hasn’t been traveling and living in this manner until this year. He seemed very interesting. He found an inter-faith communities here in Utah which helped give him leads to people who have farms and wanted his help as he continue his learning in farming and spirituality. We exchanged numbers and he has forwarded some apps and communities because I’d be curious to see if I’m drawn to explore these communities as well. I wasn’t sure how I felt when I arrived home and was getting myself ready for bed… it was like an hour after we exchanged numbers and I had gotten several messages from him… hehe… he’s very into researching and reading… so he sent me many resources. I did already talk about this during our conversation but I’m not sure he caught my drift… hehe… The Chinese girl is writing her Spiritual education master’s thesis and so I was asking if she was going to study the very basics of what’s effective to learning. I was bringing up the whole reading about our teachings to the differences of practicing the teachings…and which is more effective. So I was trying to say that reading is great but it’s not as effective unless we have application involved in the practices. So again… I’m not really interested in reading all the information he has sent me, but I do want to check a little bit out and see how it goes. I’m sure I might find sometime this week. I told him this… he enjoyed my presence so he asked me several questions and I answered them. But if felt a bit like an interview. I didn’t ask any questions in return, but to be fair it was late and I was tired. I wanted to write in the Journal last night but I had drawn a few tarot cards and found that I just wanted to rest afterwards. I might get there in a bit. But let’s get back to the conversations so I can remember the just of what was going on last night. The Chinese girl is not doing her paper on specific topics but she’s trying to doing the systematic approaches of specific religions. She doesn’t have everything planned out but it’s like four religions she will compare and contrast their systems. I was wondering if she’s been finding common patterns. She said she has but she didn’t really go into detail. I continued to try to get information she’s been finding but it seemed like it wasn’t coming out naturally so I stepped back from asking questions. I told her that I had been thinking about her because I find her topic fascinating. I feel like we’d be able to having a deeper dive when its a bit more intimate setting possibly more one on one. The German girl is a professor and she went in quite a bit of details about her paper on Saturday during lunch, but I saw more of how social she is and how she was picking up some of my lines of communication to steer conversations. She seemed like she was picking up on what I was doing which intrigued me. I really enjoy being around her as well. Our names our similar and people comment on that and how we could be sisters… and I said we are… hehe. Actually when I came to work with my tarot cards last night I even thought maybe I can pick up on her energy when I was working with the cards. I just got these cards so I’m seeing how we work together. I found out that it’s still introducing my energy and where I am instead of going into our shared energy with someone else. The German girl and I have similarities when it comes to our heritage being very mixed. Wherever she goes no body can quite pick out where she’s from. She’s able to blend in when she travels to new locations. She also said she teaches dance and has done a class in college and found that she might have the opportunity to create a platform. She was trying to see if I wanted to create a platform. She said she’s interested in what my next job would be and that she thinks I need to be more available for people. I chuckled because I’m already doing my work right now. I do very well in in-person situations. I can go with the flow and things just happen and I find I can be more impactful in this manner. I have no clue how to create a platform and it seems like it would be pretty time consuming and I’m not sure if I’m motivated to put in that time. And the thing is I’d much better give my focus when I’m present with people. She seemed she wanted to talk more about it. And I told her I’d most likely be coming a bit more through the week because I’m interested in talking to everyone more. I know they are only here for a few weeks so I’ll want to take advantage of this opportunity. It was surprising though that she mentioned this and the Chinese girl was agreeing with her. I told her I’d like to find a way to get monetary income while I’m remote. If I can find something like this would be helpful. I told her I’ve been finding it challenging to find any kind of job lately.. as if the universe is telling me that these are not the positions I’m aligned with anymore… that it’s pushing me to go in a new direction… but I’m not sure what that is… hehe… I mean I know in a way what I’d like to do but have no clue how I’d be getting any income from it. But I’m open to see what types of platforms she’s linked with and I can see what comes from it. The young man who was a local who is working to be a guru wasn’t too involved with the conversation. I have seen him around the Temple but I haven’t found having conversations with him. I tried to ask questions to get to know him a bit better but his response was very limited… so it wasn’t easy to find ways to lead from one conversation to the next… so I tried to show him how conversations can flow. I have no clue if he was understanding what was being played out in front of him… in fact it seemed like he was in his thoughts most of the time. It was his first time that he came to a Sunday service. He has the whole get up of what would be described as guru clothing. Hat and all… I’m not sure what they are called… but he’s trying to create an identity and thinks looking the part will give him a presence of gaining knowledge about something.. like spirituality… but I’m not sure if it’s genuine quite yet. I’ll give us time to figure out where we are and see if he’s willing to open up a bit more. And I’ll see if he’s curious for me to open up to him as well. There was a gentleman who I had seen last week who hosted a dinner with two other gentlemen and a daughter. I asked him if they enjoyed their dinner… and he said yes. Again another shy guy but I don’t mind… hehe… I said that I was looking for him to sit with during dinner, but I didn’t see him so I thought he left. So I said hopefully next week we can find time to chat. I’m sure he’s got some interesting ideas going on and I’d like to see what that is. I was speaking to my friend and he said that he works in an energy plant but he doesn’t know all the details. But we were talking a lot about different topics and said I should have a good conversation with him. I’m sure I will, but we’ll see. This is pretty good to remind me where our conversations started… and curious to see where it goes from here.. but I do feel like there is changes going on. I’m not sure what that means right now..but I think I’m getting messages for me too completely stop planning… I don’t know what’s coming up. And so I should be comfortable letting people know that I don’t know and that’s ok… I know it’s ok with me… but many will not be comfortable with me being ok with this… hehe… It’s hard to explain. I could go and type out all the information that I read with the tarot messages.. but that’s the thing.. they were messages for me. And I don’t think I’ll be able to express my insights I found in the words I was reading. I understand it and I don’t think I need to purge it to digest it… I’ve got the message and I’m interested to see how my relationship with these cards will go.. hehe. Ok.. this is good for now. I want to grab something to eat and maybe look at the cards again.. but also start looking at my belongings again and see what I can purge at this time. Ok sounds good. until next time…
  15. Alright I did order some tarot cards…. They’re my first English sets so it’s a bit easier to not have to translate but they arrived today and I think I’ll start off with the messages. The first one I opened is the Spirit of the Animals and I got two cards to fall out. The Loon… Intuitive.. Listen to the song in your soul. Trust your intuition as you have a way of knowing. Emerge from the busy life and seek more solitude. Recognize that you are unique and that you are loved. The second card from the same deck is the Swan… Grace… You who glides across the waters of my souls bring me your wisdom and light. Help me transform into elegance and grace. Inspire me with dignity and the spirit of beauty. Normally each deck has a booklet that go into depth on each card. So let’s see a little of the Loon’s message LOON… Elegance, Singer, Communicator, Visionary, Dreamer, Loyalty, Family, Fidelity, Freedom’s Call, Spirit Messenger… The call of the Loon stirs our soul. Their sounds evoke reverence and imagination. Loons have a complex communication system that is highly evolved. Loons are powerful and intuitive. Knowing from within comes quickly to Loon people. Their flashes of insight and imagination are highly developed. Loons mate for life and teach the ideals of family and fidelity to those with this totem. Loons are excellent partners and parents. They often carry their offspring on their backs. Loons are also excellent communicators and they relate well with others… SWAN… Love, Beauty, Grace, Majestic, Self-worth, Mystery, Purity, Angels, Journey, Transformation, Intuition, Partnership, Fidelity, Integrity, Creativity… Swan is a creature with such grace it is regarded as one of the most beautiful of the animal kingdom. But Swan’s story does not start that way. They are the ultimate symbol for change as they morph from clumps cygnet to majestic swan. Swan reminds us that we too can transform from awkward youth to mature beauty and grace. When Swan glides across still waters of your dreams, it is bring you gifts of harmony, intuition, faith, and wisdom. Swans connect us to the realm of angels… So this is interesting because I have read the other cards that I drew when I was opening the decks. i had not read from the booklet for these cards. When I was reading these cards, I was also messaging some friends. There was one in particular who I’ve known for about four years. He’s from Sweden and we met in Peru… he was living there at the time and was running his own hotel which also hosted couchsurfers. He was also one of the Couchsurfer group leaders type of thing… in the city he was the one who organized the larger gathering for couchsurfers… that’s how we met. We didn’t get a whole lot of time together actually, but we had great conversation and again we talk from time to time. I really appreciate his communication. He actually reciprocates equally with messaging. I don’t feel weird by writing a lot because he writes back a lot as well. When I reach out to my Australian mate… this is not the case. I know this to be true, but somehow I’m seeing if this might change one day. He writes these short sentences and asks a question. I’m unable to just write a word or a line to answer. I ask him a question and there it is again… brief. I wish this wasn’t the case, but it is what it is. So yeah… reading other messages I was thinking about this situation I find myself in and yes I guess I keep wondering how am I going to continue to keep this up without and feedback from my Aussie? Usually by this time I’d be back in the jungle and then it’s easy for me to remember why I wait… he’s there very present and my feelings are very present and aware and I’m reminded. So it’s’ funny that both of these cards as we go deeper have fidelity in them. For six years I’ve been faithful to a man who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings openly. When we met, yes… but since then platonic friendship. Again Aya is not a straightforward process but sometimes it’s just an instant download and understanding which doesn’t leave much room for interpretation. Again this is the most challenging of messages I’ve received to date. And I continue to feel there might be ways to interpret these messages differently… but even though I want to try to write these out… I know in my heart that my truth is my truth and regardless of the outcome… I am devoted to this regardless of how much I battle this. It’s so much easier the longer it goes actually… I’ve accepted this as my fate… but why do I still have these wandering thoughts of possibly allowing myself to connect with people who are wanting to connect with me? You know what I mean by connect… they want to have a romantic relationship. I guess I can go more into the other cards I drew because I thought some of them are pointing to a fear I have and I guess it’s time for me to explore it a bit more? I’m not sure… ok what’s the next deck? I went to the Rumí deck and one card fell out… the Star Mother Arrakis… Be the king who has made his own kingdom Be the moon who has made her own summit How much longer will you coo coo like a pigeon? Empty your head of all mortal lusts, and become life without breath. You will not call out for God anymore, for you have become immersed in God - Rumí Your star mother, Arrakis, dances with your soul in the celestial inner planes. She dances in the embrace of Father Sky, shining white and pale, deep in devotion to the light that is behind all that is. Arrakis, Dancing Star of the Heavens, incites our souls to feel the rhythm of life and surrender to it in flow, in grace, stumbling and in play. Like a child we think not of the “right steps” but just moves with music and with joy. She reminds you to dance freely and from your heart. She reminds you that your soul is constantly dancing with the Divine. What better way to connect with the joy and beauty of your soul than to mimic its movements? So dance, beloved. Let your being dance. Oh Arrakis! Your bright beauty penetrates even the darkest of minds to remember, remember, remember… No matter how dark life on earth may seem at times, when we remember our holy heritage we can also realize, “Ah yes, I am blessed, held as one with the mother who shall not be deterred from great holy purpose. I shall prevail! I forgot that and feared, but now I remember and am determined once more.” Then you shall feel joy and be inclined to dance, to sing, to make your art, and to live fearlessly once again… I honor my soul’s need for art and for expression, and for creativity now, from a pure and loving place within me. So be it! Oh my goodness… I’m really getting tired right now… well it’s been building but I stayed up with the six year old roommate to wait for her dad to arrive tonight. I did a full day at the temple and met some new volunteers from Germany, Korea, and China. I’m excited to see where these conversations go. I wanted to write about this but I cannot continue to keep my eyes open. So hopefully I’ll get time tomorrow before I go to the temple for service.. I’d like to se if I can hangout with the volunteers right now. I’m looking forward to seeing where our conversations go. They’re here for the holidays, so maybe I won’t be spending my holidays alone maybe? We’ll see… alright until next time then…