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If something is bothering you, it's because you're not perceiving it accurately. When this Law of Attraction stuff talks about seeing things 'positively', it's referring to having a more accurate perception of reality, to raise the quality of your consciousness, because when you do that, you realise there is only everything to be grateful for and joyful about, so it's trying to get us to perceive this way, because our quality of consciousness determines what we reap in life someone who is consumed with negative emotions may eventually commit suicide, so like does attract like the essence is to raise your quality of consciousness, at least that's my understanding of it, you may have seen the video about consciousness on actualized.org you don't have to pretend to be what you're not, but focusing on certain principles such as gratitude, and of functioning on a creative plane rather than on a competitive one, to give every person more in use value than you take from them in cash value (hence generosity and giving), instead of thinking about scarcity, you realise there is only abundance, and you take action from such a place. Poverty, scarcity, fear, disease - they're all appearances, let go of your focus on false appearances, and they stop concerning you(: every thought creates our reality because there is no objective reality, it's all our perceptions basically It may help to record your emotions every hour to get a better understanding of your state of consciousness All the spiritual books on success etc. draw these parallels, of creativity, giving, gratitude, removing fear, taking responsibility, faith and persistence, consciousness, sometimes indirectly, so read a few and you'll get an overall sense hope that helps!

No that isn to quite right. Giving the body what it needs to survive, is not unwholesome because its as well in accordance with Awareness, duty. If you would let yourself without reason die out of hunger, that is unwholesome behavior. Lets says someone is in accordance by seclusion from unwholesome behavior, and someone has a sickness that is very very painful, to hard to bear. But one is awakened, Attained Awareness. Then its not unwholesome to commit suicide. Please understand, Drinking alcohol and taking drugs for fun, is unwholesome because the body nor Awareness needs it. Its born out of passion and ignorance. Not eating and dying yourself out just because of laziness to take care of the body, is still ignorance.

It's all about perspective. In the "boy draws on a blank paper"-analogy, to me, - the boy/the boy's hand/the pencil = God (y) - blank paper = True Self (z) - whats drawn on paper = experience/happenings/ego/mind/body (x) - The blank paper is eternal (was never born, will never die) & it's conscious of whats drawn upon it. - The blank paper is infinite in size & in its "ground-state" it's just completely blank and empty (nothingness). - The pencil that's drawing can switch randomly between infinite colours and infinite types of pencils and it also has an ereaser on it's back that it often uses. - The pencil can draw an infinite different pictures upon you. - Whats drawn on paper is real enough, but only momentarily real. If you cling to whats drawn, you will constantly switch between happiness (when something good is drawn) and sufferiing (when the drawn disappears again). - If you realize that what's drawn is NOT you, but just experience/happenings, and that you are the no-thing/blankness that experiences all that, then you become enlightened. - Makyo is when there is drawn something you percieve as 'extraordinary'/true and you then cling to it as Truth. - A True Complete Enlightenment Experience is when you become fully aware of what's going on: ... Your perspective/awareness sort of raises above the paper, and you directly see the pencil drawing on the blank, eternal you... You meet God. - A Real (with a capital R) Awakening happens when the pencil -- for whatever reason -- momentarily, completely halts all the drawing while also erasing the earlier drawn (mind/memories) completely. What is then left is just the blank paper: nothingness (True Self). No experience. It's not an experience. That's enlightenment. The mind is COMPLETELY killed. NOTHING is left. There is only YOU (nothingness) left... discovering your self (but ITS NOT AN EXPERIENCE, because you are a no-thing, and a no-thing can't be experienced). This is litteraly equal to physical DEATH. The only difference is that -- for some reason -- it's possibly to keep the body alive while the paper is completely blank... It's sort of a paradox, right, because the body is something that's drawn on the paper... What when you go to deep sleep? Isn't this equal to what I just described? Sounds like it... the difference may lie in that when you go to deep sleep, "the pencil is being handled in such a way" that the mind doesn't remember itself shutting down.. it happens gently and unconsciously... A real awakening, here you see the mind/ego getting annihilated right in front of You , and then momentarily there's nothing left but You, and then some "time afterwards", the ego comes back, and You see it coming back.., like You get pushed back into a skull from the nothingness... When going to deep sleep and waking up, it's all happening in such a way that the mind is programmed to not store (remember) the experience of it being killed. In a same way when "you" wake up from deep sleep, the mind is programmed to not store the experience of being resurrected from nothing. I'm not talking about the deep sleep/nothingness itself, because here there is only You/Silence/Nothingness, i.e. it's a no-experience because the mind produces zero experience -- the paper is blank -- simply because the mind is death. I'm simply talking about the very few seconds BEFORE the death of the mind (the killing), and the very few seconds AFTER the resurrection of the mind. No one remember falling asleep. Yes, we remember when we went to lie down on the bed. But we never remember any experience of actually falling into deep sleep (= the mind being killed). This, I postulate, is "simply" because the brain/mind is wired in such a way to not store such an experience. If the mind, on the other hand, WAS wired/programmed to store such an experience, then everyone would be enlightened, lol, because everyone would see their egoes/minds getting completely killed, and thus everyone would directly be able to see for Themselves that They are not the body nor the mind/ego. Everyone would be scared shitless, lol. Very few would dare to go to sleep -- because it would feel like getting actually killed. And from an evolutionary perspective it's extremely "bad" for an "organism" to realize its True Self is not the body (for very obvious reasons), so OF COURSE the brain/mind is wired to not remember falling asleep. Same goes for waking up from deep sleep. Everyone has tried to be waken by someting/someone while you were in a very, very deep, deep sleep. When that happens, you are always very, very confused in the seconds after waking up. I think this is because the mind/brain is wired in such a way to not remember the experience of being resurrected from nothingness. Also if your body dies/you commit suicide... Then... there is no mind left to integrate/remember "the experience" ("the experience" = the 'right before' and the 'right after' the 'no-experience'/ego-death. And thus, physical death has nothing to do with enlightenment, just like going to deep sleep has nothing to do with enlightenment. Enligthenment is sort of a paradox, because enligtenment, yes, is the DEATH of the MIND. But at the same time, enligtenment requires the mind/brain/person to be FULLY 'alive/awake/aware' to actually remember the experience of both the killing and the resurrection of the mind . It's the memories of such two 'happenings' that produces an enlightened person. The space between the two happenings (i.e the killing and the ressurection) is the no-experience/nothingness which the mind itself can't remember because it wasn't there. But the process of the killing and the process of the resurrection; this the mind 'can' store and remember as a memory. And when the mind remember these two happenings, the mind can now see that it doesn't really exist, and it starts producing thoughts and emotions without the "I" labeled on to them. So an enlightenment experience could basically be described as: - going to deep sleep, while being fully aware of going to the deep sleep (i.e. the mind rembering the experience of going to deep sleep, i.e. the mind remebering the experience of itself being annihilated into nothingness). - then shorty after waking up from deep sleep, while being fully aware of waking up from deep sleep (i.e. the mind remembering the experience of itself waking up from deep sleep, i.e. the mind remembering the experience of itself being reborn from nothingness). In both cases, of course, "You" (z) is always there, You can't be modified. You are just there. You experience the memories the mind produces for You. So after all... Enlightenment is sort of a paradox because it's: - on one hand: all about the mind (it has to be 'alive'/'be there' to store certain experiences needed for enlightenment) - on another hand: not about the mind at all (it has to be killed for reaching enlightenment) It's two opposing statements ... Yet both of them are equally true and false Truth with a capital T comes when the two opposing ideas come together and form a circle: - the mind has to be killed (one half of the circle). <----> So You can become You (Nothingness). - the mind has to be alive (other half of the circle). <----> So You can experience the killing of the not-you. The True Self can only fully discover itself by directly experiencing the killing of The False Self. Without a False Self (ego) in the first place, there could be no True Self (nothingness) in the first place And vice versa. The world we all see ourselves in is dualistic. For there to be darkness, there has to be light. For there to be 'a day', there has to be 'a night'. For there to be 'good', there has to be 'evil'. For there to be a True Self, there has to be False Self. Two opposing things are always two sides of the same coin. So basically enligtenment is a change of what x (ego / mind) produces for You (z) to experience. If "you" are an enlightened person, "you" are still just a person/ego/mind/brain running around -- playing the game of life. The difference "just" lies in what this person says, does, thinks, feels . (What the mind produces for You to experience) So achieving enligtenment is after all just achieving a special type of personality ... But a very special, rare kind of personality, of course. Its traits are, among other things: - Absolute Self-Discovery. - Unconditional Love to all of reality. - Deep intuitive understanding of human life & how the mind/ego functions. - Deep understanding of reality. - No attachment to any experience, yet no detachment from any experience either. - Passion for life -- passion for both self and others. Cheers. EDIT: I edited the shit out of this one. Added a lot of rambling shit.

Somehow, although I did lose the job and fail the class, the predator decided to stay with me. I don't remember how that ended up being arranged since he was initially very clear that failure was grounds for break-up. But instead I was put on probation and he told me that if I could get all A's in the next quarter then I could be his girlfriend again. I got two A's and an A-, which was close enough and somehow the whole snowball kept going. Eventually I moved in with the predator that's when everything got way worse. Everything I did wasn't good enough, even working and going to school full time wasn't enough. I didn't have time to exercise, cook, clean and do everything else the predator wanted. He didn't want to take care of me (although my parents paid the rent and the government paid for the food), I was still too much of a burden and he wanted me to go back to my parents home... I called my parents but they told me that I wasn't allowed to come home. Thankfully I had my handy-dandy suicide kid for emergencies like that. And that's when I really got messed up. The hardest thing about living through everything I've been though, Body, is not knowing. I've never met anyone else who's done what I've done, to you us. I wonder if what I'm-we're going through, the fainting, if it's because of what I did to you, or if it's completely unrelated. Some days I just can't walk. It's gotten better, I know, I've been working hard to take care of you body, but I just wish I could know. It's a lonely thing. I've never met anyone else who's done it. Killed themselves, failed, only to try again. It wasn't just once that I did it to you. I have a nice life now but there's this involuntary pain whenever I remember what I've been through. I can't go through the day without remembering what I went through... I was so convinced that last time, that it was really the end. Nothing compares to the pain I felt that night. The agony. My blood literally a fire through my veins, unable to breath, unable to lift my head off the ground. That kit I had intended as a salvation for myself, a safe haven I could turn to when there was no one else who wanted me. I took the whole kit, as much as a could swallow. He sat at his computer, the predator. I lied down on the giant bean bag we used as a bed and dozed off knowing he didn't know and that I could enjoy my last day still having him, not having to be alone, abandoned. I lied down and listened to In All My Dreams I Drown from the Devil's Carnival trying not to focus on the fact I wasn't wanted. He took me out to Dairy Queen, it felt very romantic to have one last day of happiness with him I thought at the time. I don't really know why I thought that then. But that's what I thought. It was around that time that the metabolic acidosis kicked in and my body started to fight the poison. I hadn't been inefficient in my dosage. I had to run to the bathroom, I couldn't swallow back the acid my body churned up. I could barely stand as we stood in line for burgers. By the time we'd driven home I could barely stand, I'd stand for a couple moments then the dizziness would wash over me and I had to crouch down to catch my breathe and keep from passing out. I went upstairs, dizzy, tired, ready to succumb to the fate that I had chosen for myself. I felt powerful. In my life I could control one thing. My life. No matter how hard I studied, with the dyslexia and the ADHD, my grades were not under my control. I fought, and I fought, and I fought against everything in my nature to prove to myself that wasn't the case. But I still failed. I failed, tried again, and failed and someone was sick of it, and it wasn't just me. Too dizzy to keep myself upright I slumped into bed to pass out. My ears were ringing and my chest was starting to hurt. It was coming and sleep would guide me into my new a new, better life, back to the darkness from whence I came. I fell asleep, just like the last time I'd tried. Only this time, I was certain, my plan was fool proof. And no one would ever know. Pain killers. They're supposed to numb the pain, to numb away my life. My life was pain back then, emotionally, but it didn't even measure a fraction to what the physical pain I experienced that night. I didn't want to be alone... Unwanted... I awoke to a sharp pain, my stomach burned, my throat burned, my blood burned, I could feel the burning from inside my skin to the outside. The temperature felt ice could, then burning hot. I'd created myself a living hell. So much for a painless death. I tried not to throw-up but I couldn't. I rushed to the bathroom, and my body did everything it could to purge the acid out of my system. My heart raced, as fast as the heart beat of a hummingbird, I remember comparing it to that. I spent the rest of my night in that bathroom, after the second trip to throw-up I could barely stand. I crawled back to the bedroom. After that I couldn't walk anymore. The predator wasn't a strong man. I couldn't stand. A trail of towels followed from our room to the bathroom, he had to carry me to the bathroom to throw up twice, he encouraged me to stay the second time after I came crawling back into the room. I was up till 4 AM that morning, eventually I couldn't lift my body off the floor, I had to settle into the bathtub where I could vomit up the drain. He came in to join me for awhile while I was in there, he talked about taking me to the ER, I tied to pass it off like I must have a bad strain of the flu. If he took me to the ER, they might figure out what was happening, they would try to save me. I had to prevent that. I told him that if I wasn't better by the morning I'd go to the drop in clinic. He felt bad for me, worried I suppose, although he told me he was incapable of feeling. He said that he didn't think it would be good to leave me when I was sick that I was, he told me he might stay with me. I didn't want to manipulate him into staying with me, it wasn't why I'd tried to kill myself. But it made me happy. I just wanted to be with him. He left, I kept throwing up. Eventually around 5:30 AM the sickness subsided. As I drifted off I felt fear of death, very intense fear, I felt the darkness reaching for me. Even though I had created this situation where I was dying I still couldn't help fighting it. Just for a few moments more. I didn't know what was going to come once it was all over. I was scared. Very scared. And then I thought of my sister and I felt an intense sense of guilt. What would her life be like without an older sister? Would she blame herself if she found out? I felt awful. I remembered how she'd cried for weeks when she realized my 12 year old brother had started smoking. How would she take it, when she realized that she would have to spend the rest of her life without me. I cried. She deserved so much more. She was the one person I realized, in that one moment, who mattered more than anything else to me. I didn't see her frequently, she lived with her boyfriend only a few houses down. I never, never really, went to see her. I didn't want her to cry. I wish I could've been more for her. I loved my sister. But I didn't love her more than I hurt. I cried, I cried for the pain, no matter how much I breathed, and breathed but I couldn't get any air, I couldn't stand. My limbs went numb. I could slowly feel my body dying. I couldn't move my arms, I couldn't move my legs. I cried for my fear of death. I cried because of the darkness. I cried because of the loneliness. I cried because my parents didn't love me. I cried because my boyfriend of 4 years didn't love and wanted to get rid of me. But most of all I cried because I wish I could've been a better sister. One who didn't bring pain into her life. I never realized up until that moment how very, very precious she was to me. I felt the darkness coming. I don't know how but at sometime my consciousness broke and I teleported from the bathroom to the bed and I was lying next to my beloved predator. I was so close to him. I fell asleep next to him, just happy to be with him. I decided that if I could survive that night I would be the submissive he wanted me to be. I would do everything he wanted me to, anything he asked. I just wanted him to want me and I was happy fading off into the darkness. Embracing death. I couldn't walk for a week; I couldn't even properly crawl. I didn't think I'd ever be able to walk again. Didn't think I'd ever be able to hear again either, but by day three of groveling across the carpet I was able to start hearing things again. I should be dead. But here I am... Four years later. I can walk, I can hear. But I worry that things won't ever be the same. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I am, walking, standing, I lose contact with you Body. Falling spells, are they related? The doctors don't know. I've told them everything, but even so, they don't really know. It only started happening, like the recognition thing... I don't know why. But, you know what... Looking back now, as I write this, I realize it wasn't love that drove me to kill you, body, but my fear of being alone. I have, and even still, am terrified of being alone.

Ok, so it seems like everyone else has some goals posted in their journals so I'm going to go ahead and include my goals here to. 1) To consolidate my experiences into a digestible format for myself so I can sort though and finally process everything I've been through. As it is said, those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. 2) To develop an emotionally and spiritually healthy self. 3) Figure out where my current personal problems originate from, learn how to move past the things I've been through and grow beyond my history. 4) Develop healthy beauty habits. 5) Nurture, nourish and accept the body I have. To really love my body and help it become healthy and reach it's full potential. 6) Find to correct balance between inner peace and emotional control without sacrificing my personal safety and security. 7) Find and pursue the correct trajectory for my life so that I can live it to it's fullest. 8) Feed my mind and grow analytically. 9) Create a happy relationship for myself that I feel happy in, where I get to experience romance and passion while still being secure and know that I am loved. As a heads up this journal may get very dark. It is brutally honest, intimate and authentic. I want to move past the darkness that I carry inside my mind. This journal covers my struggle with suicide, my unhealthy eating (or not eating) habits, living in poverty, drugs, criminal activity, abuse, BDSM, my faith (or lack thereof) and how it is I got to where I am today. The start of this journal is more ruminations on my past while I get everything out, but after it moves past that I intend this to be about my personal journey to grow into a wiser, more knowledgeable, analytical person. To explore the person I'm becoming, the image I want to have, and the everyday pursuit of becoming healthier. It will cover everything from from the shallow and superfluous, the readings I take on, ethics, exercise, everything.

Dear Body, I am you, or, at least the person who lives inside you. I know that I've hurt you a lot in the past and I just want you to know know that... I'm sorry. It's funny sad, because usually I'm a very compassionate person, towards other people that is... but when it comes to you Body, I don't didn't see you as a person. I saw you as an object. I've misused and abused you. I hated myself and by proxy, I hated you too. Maybe that's why you've pushed me out. It used to be that when I looked in the mirror I saw myself. Now days I look in the mirror and I see a stranger. I see a beautiful but unfamiliar woman... I live inside you body, but I feel as though I am no longer really a part of you. I feel that maybe you are defending yourself from me because when you'd really let me in before I betrayed the trust you had in me. You just wanted to be loved: To be cared for, nourished, hydrated, treated beautifully, cherished, and with the respect that I afford literally every other person I interact with. I'm sorry. I love you Body, you are mine and you are the only, only, person in the whole world who has gone through and experienced literally everything I have. No one else in can ever know so completely, so intimately, every ounce of pain, fear, joy, love... every emotion, that I've experienced so thoroughly. There's a barrier to language, a restriction by the very nature of language, that even if I spent every moment of time trying to communicate my life to someone that they could never know it as truly as it was experienced. That is why, starting today, I will treasure you, Body. You are my life companion, whether you want me or I want you, we are together for this life. You know me completely and I know you. I see you Body, you are a lovely person. Beautiful, empathetic, gentle. I accept you and I will treat you better from now on. Never again will I put my needs and desires above yours. I will not punish you for my shortcomings. I'm going to stop trying to change you. My dearest and only Body, I love and accept you, exactly as you are now. I accept you Body, you have wide, wide hips and thick thighs. But! That is OK, big hips and thighs do not make you less beautiful. Jack says that you look just like Alexandre Cabanel's Birth of Venus painting. It may not be the ideal of beauty that I've always aspired to, but to him it's beautiful. We aren't any Kristen Stewart or Nicole Kidman, but we are beautiful in our own right. There are many kinds of beauty in the world and we don't need to be airbrushed to accept and love our own kind of beauty. I won't try to starve your hips down, and your tummy is a sign that I actually feed you now and that you are properly loved. Jack loved to kiss your tummy, I hate the way it tickles but I resent your tummy much less for it. I accept your dark brown eyes, they are perfect just the way they are. I know other people have pretty eyes too, they are colorful but ours are nice too... Remember in our earliest memories? One of our first formative thoughts, as we began to perceive the world and develop our preferences... The elegant, refined look of dark stained wood. Rich, beautiful. One of the first thoughts we had before we had words to define our thoughts was just how much we loved the way that dark stained cabinet and wooden hourglass looked. You have the time in your eyes. Body, they're the same color as that hourglass, they are beautiful eyes and there is no need ro compare them to the eyes of others. They may not be blue, green, or even amber eyes, but they are ours and they are perfect. Wood, trees, the forest. Eyes are the window to the soul and my soul... your soul... our soul is a sacred forest we need to treasure and nurture back to life. Now, not every bad thing I've done to you was out of a desire to be pretty. I think maybe that's why it's so hard love, to feel, the way I did before. You've taken away the depth and breadth of my emotions and most especially my love... because of all the things that have driven me to hurt you, dear Body... love drove me to hurt you the worst. You have left me a husk of who I formerly was, dry, porous and unabounding. Not only have you stripped me of my identity, my self-recognition, my faith and my fires of aspiration, but you've taken my heart from me. My soul has run dry Body, and you and I are all that remain; damaged though we both are. Mind and body. Our soul seeped out beyond our grasp. Jack loves us but I struggle to match his love. I feel that my own emotions are shallow because I feel as though I have no heart, no spirit, no personality beyond that which we need to survive. It makes trusting hard and you won't let me love again completely. I wish it'd been Jack I'd loved then instead of.. the predator. (That's what I'm going to start calling him from now, for the sake of this journal.) Love is a dangerous emotion, it has driven me to do terrible things to you. I'm not like other people; other people, they make threats of suicide to manipulate and control the person they're with... to coerce them into staying while still having too much self respect for their bodies to really, seriously, consider actually hurting their bodies. Although the words might pass from their mouths, the thought of truly hurting their bodies repulses most people enough to deseage them. Most people would never actually make an attempt to poison, hurt or actually attempt to kill themselves... in spite of their claims. I used to think that my fear of death made me a coward, that suicide was an act of bravery that made me a silent martyr of love. By taking my own life, I felt that I was courageous and powerful, it vindicated me. Freeing me of the pain of my inevitable abandonment without forcing me to manipulate the person I was with into staying with me, someone they didn't love. It made me feel like the love I felt then was pure, selfless, good and true. Rather than dealing with my fear of being alone without the person I had chosen to love, I chose to kill myself. And when I made that chose, the choice to take a human life, everything changed. I have always been a troubled individual, that much is true. Love was at the source of all my trouble, or the lack thereof. So when I tried to take my life from you, That first unplanned incident that struck me to the core I had so little control over my life back then My life at that point was a losing battle of willpower vs. nature That evening was a profound one Every day recurring that one had been a tedious battle to fight my true nature and overcome it. Pouring literally everything I had into the ever illusive success I aspired to... When I woke up, to late for school, too late for work, my success in both a contingency I needed to uphold to garner the intimacy of the predator. The weight of my failure was more than I could bare... sharply aware of the fact I'd just lost my job for failing to attend, failed my class with the only question remaining: By what margin? Based on the calculations I ran in attempt to comfort myself thinking that I had some slim margin of grace I could pass by but realizing there where only levels of failure, C-, D+, D, D- and E left for me to "achieve". And that margin, and why, didn't matter. Meaning, to me, I was dumped. The predator had only agreed to stay with me if I passed my classes and held down a job. It was a simple arrangement, in theory I hadn't felt it unfair, I wanted to succeed, so why wouldn't I want to be worth someone who wanted me to succeed too? No one at that point knew that I had lost my job, failed my class and been dumped... yet. But it was all in my future, clearly laid out for me. I future I didn't want, which led me to me first, real, attempt in adulthood. I took a bottle of aspirin down from the medicine cabinet and swallowed as many pills as I could before passing out again. Drifting off into a thoughtless back sleep thinking the pain of living was behind me. I woke up the next morning, too annoyed to try again, it would look suspicious if I did anyways. My parents were home, they would know if I tried again that it was suicide on not some mystery cause of death. So I went to school. My ears rang for a week but I didn't no other notable side effects. When I returned home that evening I figured I just hadn't taken enough, I calculated the lethal dose of aspirin for someone my weight, rounded up, then doubled the dose and put it in a neat little zip-block for later. My suicide kit. My escape if I ever needed it. It would be painless. Painkillers inhibit the feeling of pain I reasoned so it was a better option that other methods I'd reasoned at the time. It was that morning this sweet, innocent, Christian raised girl lost her faith in God. Death, suicide, the act of taking a human life, it changed me in a way I fear is irreversible.

@renegade_bee I don't know much about UTI's but I do know just because you think you have tried everything, the answer is to not give up. I have had many clients who have come to for depression and suicide and what I find most is that these people do not want to end their life, its a big cry for help, a solution and as hard life gets you are the answer to any problem you will ever have in life. You are 18 years old and I am sure you have heard this before but you have your whole life to design and make things the way you want. Just because you have went to 100 Doctors, Psychiatrists, Psychologists doesn't mean you have tried everything. Why don't you try 101 times and if that doesn't work try a different approach. Your life is not over due to this condition. I have had many people come across me with more severe life threatening conditions who have made it through things like cancer, people who have lost a leg and won't be able to walk for the rest of their life. These people are some of the most successful people in life and business that I know because they never gave up. You need to develop mental toughness first and foremost because your mind will determine which path you choose. We are so used to doing what it easy and comfortable but we are so much more than that. Our mind has the power to overcome just about any adversity IF we learn how to train it and use it right to get the results we want. Definitely call a help line in your Country/Area to help with your emotional side of things. Go see a specialist (even a few) to find a solution to your problem. I don't think UTI are incurable so don't give up. There will be tougher situations you may come across in life, whatever happens, learn to be stronger than anything comes your way and don't ever be ashamed to ask for help or seek guidance from people. Don't feel you are left out or different from everyone else, some people progress slower and faster than others at various things, some people were born with conditions while others are healthy their whole life. What seperates the weak from the strong is your determination, persistence and how mentally strong you are. Believe in hope and believe in yourself that you will get through this.

uhh I wish i could show you.. Suicide will only lead to doing it all over again and leaving deep karmic marks and pain to those left behind. Have you ever considered psychedelics? They saved me from suicide when everyone else didn't work. They showed me the meaning of existence, who i really am, what life's really about, why i came here on earth and answered every question i had ever wondered about in a flash of an eye. Now i am living life to the fullest helping others like myself come to the same realizations. I have been through so much darkness which is why i know what i know today. I know from experience nothing i say will help if i started with herbs, diet, meditation, travel ect.. but for emergency situations i honestly believe from the deepest part of my heart these were put here on earth for, to reconnect ourselves to who we truly are and whoever disagrees just lacks the experience and understanding. One experience magic mushroom, LSD, DMT, MDMA, Ayahuasca, Peyote ect.. or even Cannabis if you never have before can completely change your life around. If you don't try once you will never really know what it was all about and you would never know if it could of saved you from doing what you were planning to do. If i had to pick i would go with Shrooms or DMT, they show you what you need to see but if you cant come across them give the others a try and make sure they are pure. Drugs don't help, drugs don't work, Nature helps, nature works. and when i say psychedelics i mean those extracted from plants, even LSD originally is extracted from a type of fungi i believe. Checkout PsychedSubstance on youtube and MAPS(Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies) to properly educate yourself about these substances. Growing up, living on the streets, being bullied, tortured daily and treated like trash, betrayed, left alone i tried to kill myself many times but there was always something that kept me going and stopping me at the last minute. I am always grateful for that now that i live a completely different life and had experience with psychedelics and meditation that made it all clear and simple for me. Nowadays i know that no matter what happens in life, even if i endure the pain i endured 10x over i will never even come close to suicide because i understand the impact it will have on not just those left behind but my growth as a soul and my future existence will be filled more more karmic energies following me around and never knowing why. Do you remember before you were born? Its not worth it. I suggest giving this a read it may help understand this stuff better http://thegreaterpicture.com/guides.html I know you said you probably wont listen to others but i honestly think you should give me a chance when i say this since i have been through a lot myself and something similar to what you are going through. Over the years i have become a some sort of health expert myself and you are 100% correct all those guys and things you went to are meaningless, if you want to try something for me because i swear by this stuff, my life has changed around switching from modern medicine, drugs, therapists, ect.. to nature, to natural methods that actually work. http://www.top10homeremedies.com/home-remedies/home-remedies-for-urinary-tract-infection.html https://au.pinterest.com/pin/413416440768149564/ https://draxe.com/home-remedies-for-uti/ I used to have the same pains as you say every day, once i started eating real foods(organic fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds, and Herbs & Spices= natures medicine) and cut everything processed and junk out, i started becoming alive again. No more pains or problems. This is when it all began after my darkness phase lead me into meeting my fungi friend. I have even helped people cure their own cancers and other disorders, its very simple, Nature contains everything we need to sustain life, its when man started making and doing everything artificial is when diseases and problems started to occur. This is all a big business scam. Cancer industry alone makes 200b+ a year from treatments and those who practice natural alternatives lose their jobs or end up dead and this is not a joke. The people you went to see are trained a certain way, they don't know jack shit about health and curing. If you want to see how intelligent is nature and how simple cancer can be cured all you have to do is find the root cause. And the root cause of cancer and most diseases is Lack of Oxygen to the cells which causes an acid environment. Cancer cannot simply exist in an oxygen rich, alkaline Environment. All the same for everything else. You have to find real people with real answers, look for natural remedies and cures, doctors are all trained to sell drugs nothing more. Never go there. I know cranberry and aloe vera juice daily should help too and do wonders and buy organic who cares if its double the price, this is life, spend your last penny because when your gone it wont matter. https://www.ihealthtube.com has helped me a lot. Ayurvedic medicine is also another thing i swear by and methods that actually work and cure modern diseases. They have been used for thousands of years. I hope my words can help you, i will always be here to help because i know what you are going through. It never hurts to try a few more things. These days i try to live as its my last day, so i make sure i do as much can and fuck everything else, this is your life, fuck society, fuck the system and go do what you want, what makes you smile, what makes you laugh, do what you fear to do, your existence here is more important than anything else man-made and never let those things bring you down and limit your existence, you are far more valuable and important. All the best. I exchange my Highest vibration of infinite love to you, Pluto <3

@renegade_bee The thing about suicide is people assume that ending their life is going to end their suffering. But nobody knows what happens to the energy once it has been "bumped off" so to speak. Science tells us that energy never dies, can only be transformed, so dont be so hasty thinking that death = the end of suffering. Nobody can prove an afterlife, but nobody can disprove it either, meaning you dont know that death is going to end suffering, so there is no point in bringing about the end of it in this way. Adjusting your mind to the circumstances is the way to end suffering, its easy to do when you just knuckle down and get on with replacing your negative attitude with one of gratitude for having been blessed with an experience at all. Yes, youre not getting what you want, that doesnt mean youre not getting what you need. If you are still breathing then take that as a gift. Believe me, the only way to end suffering is to change your mind, because that is the only thing you have control over. Pain very well may continue, but you can control suffering.

good point. this kind of topic is not important right now. i see myself on the place you are because once i actually was. i was sexually ill, with a sick penis, for 26 years. sex was horrifying and i had to go through a dangerous surgery, with the risk of losing genital sensibility. fight for your healing because it's possible. you need professional help. all i said on the other comment was that suicide is NOT going to help at all.

Yo Martin, For more than a decade now, I've had the same exact problem. Through lots of introspection, what I've realized is that this mentality has wrapped its tentacles into every aspect of my life. It's not just the social life that's been affected; it's also career path, physical activity, familial relationships, general well-being, and pretty much everything else. All of these areas have been tainted with the idea that I somehow need to receive validation from others (external sources) in order to feel loved and not be abandoned. I don't know you or your situation, but you may want to look a little deeper to see how far down your people-pleasing rabbit hole goes. You may find that you still lie to yourself in many ways. Some questions to contemplate: Is your desire to be a "positive force" in the world less about helping others and more about wanting to be loved and appreciated? Do you have a tendency to try to "fix" other people? Have you ever considered that this is a method of masking your own perceived deficiencies? Do you isolate yourself (usually for spirituality purposes) and avoid conflict at all costs? Have you ever considered that is is a method of hiding perceived flaws and avoiding disapproval from others? Do you perform physical activities that you hate doing? Have you ever considered that this is because you want to look a certain way in order to receive approval from others? Do you believe it's selfish to put your needs first (spiritual belief of selflessness)? Have you ever considered that this is because you believe you are somehow defective or undeserving of love? As you begin to dig yourself out of this mess, as you've done, you'll find that most of your friendships are not real friendships; they are covert contracts. You've been using them for validation, and they give it to you, even though you may not even actually like these so-called friends. As a result, you've felt generally alienated and unsatisfied. I have two book suggestions for you. One is No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Robert Glover. If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, this book will read like your autobiography. It's uncanny. In it, you'll find tools and action steps to transcending what the author calls the Nice Guy Syndrome. The second book is Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. This one will give you tools and action steps on how to be more honest with yourself and with others. As they always say, the truth will set you free. A fair warning though, when you begin to cultivate honesty, it will feel as though you are committing suicide. In a sense, you are. Lastly, some food for thought: "You can't have social anxiety if you don't want anything from other people." --Benjamin Smythe Cheers.

This thread has been moved to "Serious Emotional Problems" Call a national suicide prevention right away: 1-800-273-8255 If you are outside of the U.S., do a search on a suicide prevention agency in your country and call them right away. With that being said, I will try offer some advice on your UTI problem, which you believe is the only uncurable one, and seems to be where most of your depression is derived from. I think you can cure it. Have you tried Apple Cider Vinegar? It is a highly recommended herbal cure to this ailment, over every other listed cure. Please see here: http://www.earthclinic.com/cures/apple-cider-vinegar-for-bladder-infection.html If you have tried the Apple Cider Vinegar, have you tried it in the pill extract form? Go on Amazon and search for "Apple Cider Vinegar Extract" and you can find potent doses of this herbal cure, which you can use at your own discretion to try and cure your ailment. But again, call a suicide prevention agency right away.

It's ok that you feel that way, but I don't really see the benefits in killing one self. But there is a time for each one of us to come and go. And you never know when and how death will occur. So you could wait until death arrives. If I were in your position - and I am not (I tried to feel what you wrote as much as I could though) - I would maybe look if there are some videos of people that inspire you on youtube where they talk about death or physical suffering or suicide. So that you can put your situation in perspective. Not to escape, but to find the peace that is nevertheless here in abundance. You don't have to kill yourself to find peace imo.

Hello everyone, This gets a bit heavy but I didn't know where else to post this, I'll probably put it on reddit too. I'm an 18 year old male. Normally I should be excited for the life ahead and all its possibilities. My situation is a bit different. Very soon, I will take my own life. I know the response would be to man up and stop being a victim, which is all good and well when you actually have some control over your circumstances which I have not. Suicide in my case is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Let me explain. There are a million things not going right in my life right now. I'm severley depressed and have been for years now. Psychologists and therapists don't help at all. And no I'll never take drugs. I've seen how they changed my mothers personality and I'd rather die than live like that. And I'm not depressed bc of a brain imbalance, I'm depressed bc of the circumstances. However I'm convinced I could fix this if only my circumstances changed. I have extreme social anxiety and few friends. I have a binge eating disorder. My stomach hurts often because of overeating and then dieting/fasting. My dads an alcoholic who has no empathy at all for me. He also is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers (no one knows this; I recognized the symptoms but haven't told anyone). My mom is a wreck and emotionally unstable as well. I'm starting to develop an alcohol problem as well. However I'm convinced I can solve all of the above. My main reason is embarrasing and unsolvable. 4 years ago (when i was 14) I contracted a UTI. I had extreme pain during urination, had frequent urges and had extreme pain during ejaculation. So just go to the doctor and get it fixed, right? Well I did. I went to my GP maybe 12 times in the span of 2 years? He prescribed me all kinds of things (antibiotics, drugs, ...) but nothing helped. Then I went to two urologists. I did every test imaginable, from urine testing to checking inside my bladder with a camera. Again I took lots of different medications for months on end. Nothing helped. At this Point I started becoming extremely desperate. I could live with the urination pain but the worst part of all is the fact that ejaculating hurts so much. I'll never be able to have sex like this. At this point I also started looking into other doctors. I did homeopathy (a scam). Didn't help. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They told me I should learn to live with this. Fuck that. I went to a herb specialist. Didn't help. I went to a chiropractor. Didn't help. I took supplements that are supposed to kill the pain. Didn't help. I went to a hypnotherapist. Didn't help. I tried affirmations, visualizations, meditation. Didn't help. I'm now 18 and in my first year of college. During every class I have to leave the room with more than a hundred people several times just to go to the bathroom. It's extremely embarrasing. The pain is still there. Nothing. Fucking. Helps. All my friends are getting their lives started and are getting laid and while I'm happy for them, the realisation has now dawned on me that I will never experience this. If it weren't for this problem I would have been able to solve all the rest. I'm failing college as well because I just can't handle this anymore. I'm at my wits end. Therefore I have decided to kill myself the next time my parents are out of town for a night. I'm still researching on what the most painless method is, but aftre putting on some music I'll probably just fill the bathtub, get in and slit my wrists. I still don't know what the meaning of this existence is and why so many people have to suffer so much. I never chose to start this life, but I can choose to end it. I have come to the conclusion that God can't be good. Even if all this suffering is just ego, it's still very real for the people who live through it. Maybe there is an afterlife. I hope its better than this. I don't know why I wrote this or what kind of a response I should expect. Just why not i guess. To anyone reading this, I wish you all the best in life.

If life is suffering, then surely the existence of life - and, more relevantly, the creation of new life - is a negative. That is not to advocate suicide, though the pursuit of enlightenment does seem equatable to deathless suicide, but simply to pose the question: is life worth it? I don't know why I would choose to play a game in which my only objective is to unfuck myself. Whilst I am aware that most of our suffering, that which is produced by our egos, can be transcended with spiritual practises, my past experiences with physical suffering have led me to believe that it is something very real - and with that, really negatively valuable. I notice even most generally wise gurus speak implicitly about the inherent beauty of life - a fabrication that, as far as I can see, has little to do with the true nature of existence.

@RJ Rhodes It is very difficult to find a man who has not thought at least four times in his life of committing suicide. Why do people think of suicide? – for the simple reason that life is ugly and they don’t know how to beautify it, how to make a song out of it. It is just sadness, a long long anguish, a nightmare. When you are thinking of suicide, that simply says you are thinking that this life that you have lived up to now is not worth living. But there are possibilities in it which you have not tried yet. I say to you: This life can become a great joy. You may have lived a life without love. Why not try love? You may have lived a life obsessed with money. Why not live a life unobsessed with money? You may have lived a life which hankers to possess. Now live a life which is not worried about possessing anything. You may have lived a life of respectability - you may have always been considering what people think about you, what their opinion is. There is a life to live without bothering what others are thinking about you; there is a life to live individually and rebelliously. There is a life to live which is of adventure and not of social conformity. There is a life of meditation, of God, of search, of going within. You may have lived an outside life, chasing this and chasing that. I make available to you another life of not chasing anything, but sitting silently, disappearing within your being. A life of interiority. And you will be surprised - the whole idea of suicide will disappear like dewdrops in the morning sun, and you will stumble upon a life which is eternal.

I have come to my understanding through my own experience and doing the work. If Im "attached" to that just means that its working for me. I was ready to commit suicide two years ago, and if it was not for my spiritual path i would not be here now. Its going to take 20-30 years to become non attached to a system that saved me from taking my own life. If you imagine that this is a case of just dropping all ideas then you are mistaken. Ideas in the end release us from all ideas and identifications, in the end, not halfaway through, not just because some idiot on a website requests it of us because they want to win and disarm others by telling them they are identified with their path. And not because i couldnt really give a toss about what you think you know about "enlightement" while you stand there and speak in a way that very clearly deomostrates that you have merely made a conceptual ideology of this work and that you are indeed not free, or do you see that your ego was an idea, because free people dont need to strive for a better happiness than what already is. And yes, you can learn what projection is from one of leos videos and then use that as a weapon against anyone who doesnt fit your ideology, but this does not mean that you know what projection is, merely means you use it as a weapon while you project the idea of me projecting onto you. Projection is a mechanism you use to decieve yourself in order to win arguments based on internalized beliefs that are not in harmony with your experience. Ive already pointed out youre lying to yourself and everyone else by claiming you dont exist yet your ego makes value judgements and seeks to gain a "better" life than it already has. That is not the sign of an enlightened person, or an awakened person, its the sign of a liar who has taken on a belief system.

The death of a close loved one can be used for great spiritual growth and will sooner or later be realized as a great gift. Not only because most people have learned not to feel their emotions and not to show them, as this is a huge suppression of the true self and can create a very unbalanced mind full of confusion and frustration and the shock of such a death can break that pattern and allow for (collective) opening and release, if that doesn't happen then the burden gets heavier and a breakdown is even more likely. So yes, by all means take (a lot of) time to get in touch with the sadness. I've also noticed that a lot of the sadness is not actually related to the loss of the physical form of the beloved, but it reminds of the pain we feel because of the separation with our true self in spirit. My dad died 6 years ago, some years after that moment I started to learn to become more conscious in this life and in my dreams, which has resulted in having clear amazing contact in dreams and sometimes even contact here consciously. I know this is real, I've had one very confirmatory dream experience which I validated in 'real life' and the evidence in general is clear. (www.evidenceforthesoul.weebly.com). Yet still, often it still touches me deeply when I might feel him in meditation or wake up from a dream, not because I am that sad he isn't here physically, after all, we meet on the regular, but because it reminds me of the free true free self full of unconditional love and free from suppressed emotions, fear and actually least importantly, I think, the physical body. Every time it touches me, it allows for the growth of my being, because it sheds some of the suppression and creates more realization of the true self which I then may re-member. And contrary to what you might expect, I actually dream more often of him now then I used to do a few years ago. I belief because it's less of such a shock to my system now, whereas otherwise it might be too much of a distraction and too strong of an desire for suicide if you are not settled strongly enough on the path. Peace and love, you can handle it.

Technically suicide will solve all of your humanely problems.

The last three years I had a very hard time, here is my story, enjoy. When I was I kid, I used to play like every peer that time, going outside in the woods, playing all kinds of games and so on. Life was normal at that time, my parents were very dysfunctional, but this wasn’t something I could comprehend as a child. My whole youth my mother influenced me negatively, by complaining about my father and treating me like an adult at moments like that, for example the way adults complain to each other about someone else, sometimes the truth and sometimes gossip. These conversations took place when my dad was at work Because of that I was always angry at my dad and saw every flaw as something negative. The relation between me and my dad was that time also very unnatural. I also have a little brother who is two years younger than me, so he and me are on the same page. The way of life was the same for many years, until I was 17 years old. A week before my 17th birthday (early December) my mother told me she had breast cancer, of course I was shocked. My mother had to undergo surgery and take chemo therapy. The surgery happened very well, unfortunately her breast needed to be amputated. After the surgery, she took the chemo therapy, in that process she went crazy. She talked about killing herself, was very instable and was scared to death about the chemo’s. Eventually she had to be hospitalized in the hospital at the department for mental instable people. Things did not change much, only when the chemo therapy was over. All that time my father stood by her side, motivated her, joined her to the chemo and psychological therapy, offered his lunchtime at work to see her and so on. When my mother wasn’t around anymore I saw that my father wasn’t a bad person and he had very good and caring sides. Al my life I was blind to this, because I only saw the negative. When it was, summer vacation we all did go to France (I live in The Netherlands) with the mobile home of my father. My mother was back and everything did go back to what we were used to. The negative influence from my mother changed me back to my previous way of thinking. After the vacation my mother wanted a divorce. My father was devastated and wanted to commit suicide so he cut his wrist. The cut wasn’t deep enough so his life wasn’t endangered. My mother involved me in this dilemma and eventually I called the emergency services, for my fathers on good. Eventually my father left for two weeks to his parents and I was at home with my mother. My mother was angry at him and told gossip al around our family and acquaintances. She also prepared to have the divorce. Eventually the divorce was in progress, my father came back home and my mother was going to live with her mother. Eventually were opened and I saw everything my mother had done. A while after that broke the contact with her, because she was still trying to manipulate me. Half a year went by so I ought to give her a chance. After a couple of times she was trying to influence me again, later I helped her to move her to her new house (the divorce is still in progress). I once again had enough of it and broke the contact again. Last year I tried to give her another chance, but things were still the same. Since then I haven’t spoken to her, because she blocked me on social media after an argument and I finally had enough of this madness. To this day, I haven’t spoken to her, she thinks my father is holding me and my brother back, but this is of course nonsense. I can conclude from here E-mails that she still is the same person as she always has been. I know she has a hard time to accept me as I am and will try to influence me once again. That is why I don’t communicate with her. Does someone has advice or an opinion about this, please let me now. Thanks for reading

@Leo Gura Although I would agree that I am lost in life, I wouldn't say that I lack the maturity to pursue enlightenment. I've been doing self development for ay least three years now, two of those following you. I would at least consider myself an intermediate. My study of enlightenment theory also is not limited to Jed Mckenna especially since his tone is radically different from Tolle who is the first teacher I ever followed. I've also followed Spira, Swan, Krishnamuri, Young, Norquist, Adyashanti, Sadguru, etc. Lots of parallels but different still. All of the pretty much say what @Frogfucius said which is just lip service at this point. In any case my intense yearning for death has been caused more so by my intense hatred of existence which lasted for at two months. I come in and out of it. The thought of working for another 60 or 70 years for no reason other than to survive and reproduce disgusts and frightens Maybe that's "immature" but that does make it any less real. The clock on humanity is running out pretty soon anyway because of greed and ignorance. My interpretation of life being a dream is that people don't "die", the fade in and our of existence much like how a person fades in and out of a dream. Once I do fade out of existence, there's really no telling where "i" might end up next. There's not really anywhere to go because I'm everywhere and everything but that's just my intellectual understanding. I don't claim to be enlightened or on the brink of it, I'm just saying most of these things make sense conceptually. In retrospect, there's not any real reason for me to ask for your help or anyone else's because Im on my own either way. Im well aware that my ego is the one who is deceiving me and suicide is a lie and blah blah blah I get it. I get all this stuff conceptually but I'm not free from the confines of ego. I still have to exist and do things that I hate. And yes I know that is ego too. Anyways, that's my two cents.

I quit doing pickup back in July after attending a PUA event which left me incredibly disillusioned. After quitting, I spiraled into a deep depression unlike none I have ever had before. I couldn't even bring myself to meditate anymore since then and was struggling to find a reason to go on living afterwards. I didn't want a girlfriend, I didn't want to be popular, I didn't want more clothes, I didn't care about success, and came to hate socializing. Even now I still avoid socializing whenever possible and have distanced myself almost all my friends. Over the course of those three months, I finished the remainder of Jed Mckenna's Enlightenment series, and began seeking, like for real. I also bought Haunted Universe about a month ago. Between the time when I quit pickup and began seeking enlightenment, I've also had many emotional epiphanies which led me to a deeper and deeper understandings of the nature of enlightenment as well as an out of body experience which led me to believe i was some sort of "ghost driving a body suit". Very deep, frightening insights, but I wouldn't consider my current state to be "abiding nondual awareness". I think this entire time, I was expecting enlightenment to save me from the inner demons that were let loose when I decided to quit PUA. I was so miserable that I said to myself, "Either enlightenment or nothing else (suicide)." I was incredibly angry. But now, having come to understand that life is a dream, truly understanding it and understanding how ego functions, the idea of suicide seems fucking stupid. Enlightenment just seems pointless now and I now have the urge to start bolstering my ego again like I did when I was a PUA, mostly out of boredom, sexual frustration, and other egoic reasons. However, I almost can't bring myself to do this, because not only would it feel like a huge step backward, but I have also come to hate socializing and have no motivation do so unless some outside force compels me to do so. I struggle with a lot doublethink, cognitive dissonance and ambivalence. On the one hand, I don't want a girlfriend and understand that I'm neither qualified or motivated to play the role of "alpha male" yet my ego is salivating at the thought of this. On one hand, I'm antimaterialistic (not that it's better than materialism) and on the other hand, I want new jackets, shoes, and whatnot. On on hand, I don't care too much about how my life ends up yet on the other hand, I want to be successful, have a good job, etc. Is the "ego death" i thought I was undergoing recently just depression? Is it just my DNA driving me to go out and do shit? Should I really be a PUA again? What do I make of this?

Yoga means that now there is no hope, now there is no future, now there are no desires. Total despair is needed. That despair is called dukkha by Buddha. And if you are really in misery, don’t hope, because your hope will only prolong the misery. Your hope is a drug. It can help you to reach death only and nowhere else. All your hopes can lead you only to death. They are leading. If you are disillusioned, if you are hopeless, if you have completely become aware of the futility of all desires, if you see your life as meaningless – whatsoever you have been doing up to now has simply fallen dead nothing remains in the future, you are in absolute despair. If you are in anguish, suffering, not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go, not knowing to whom to look, just on the verge of madness or suicide or death, your whole pattern of life suddenly has become futile. If this moment has come, Patanjali says, NOW THE DISCIPLINE OF YOGA. Only now you can understand the science of yoga, the discipline of yoga. If that moment has not come,you can go on studying yoga, you can become a great scholar, but you will not be a yogi. You can write theses upon it, you can give discourses upon it, but you will not be a yogi. The moment has not come for you. Intellectually you can become interested, through your mind you can be related to yoga, but yoga is nothing if it is not a discipline. Yoga is not a scripture. It is a discipline. It is something you have to do. It is not curiosity; it is not philosophic speculation. It is deeper than that. It is a question of life and death.

@Huz these...https://azarius.net/smartshop/magic-mushrooms/magic-truffles-sclerotia/ For sale over the counter in The Netherlands. Magic mushrooms, fresh or dried, can't be sold anymore in The Netherlands. Because there was one(!!) case in the past, where someone commited suicide, that may have involved magic mushrooms. If you compare this to the anual death toll of alcohol, you can see how ridiculous this is. Anyway, truffles are just a way to avoid petty laws. They are not technically 'mushrooms', and thus can be sold freely. Because, when talking about psilocybin mushroom dosage, people are usually talking about dried grams of mushrooms. Unless mentioned otherwise. Truffles are sold fresh, refrigerated and vacuum sealed, not dried. Fresh they contain alot of water weight. About 90% of fresh truffles, and mushrooms is water. So 10 grams of fresh truffles equals about 1 gram of dried mushrooms.

Well.. i don't want to repeat but yeah the more things you're attached to the more you're suceptible to suffer. It doesn't only applies to material things it also goes towards your psichology. I've been by most of this year on a journey of letting go. Actually it was fun, i started getting rid of all the unnecesary things i had on my room (and life) and my friends said to me all the time that if i was planning to suicide or what (i got rid of A LOT of things) jajajaja but actually i just found that although those things are nice and were good memories it was all in the past and most of those things were not relevant to my life now and just a way of manifestating my ego and my NEED to hold my past and that which i "built" although i knew i wouldnt need it anymore. At one point of my life i got to the realization that "it's better to travel light", first were the books, then clothing.. then other things like my gaming pc and my unused electric guitar.. but then it started shifting towards more deep things like pleasing other people, my relationship with money, my relationship with friends, family and romantic partners... and then it was towards just changing my life and accepting that yeah, life changes; i'll say no more as that is the moment that i am now If i could say anything is that.. yeah, it's better to travel light