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About Buba

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  1. Thank you. It has been more than a year I occassionally lose my functionality because of depression, anxiety, fear and etc. I want to increase meditation time, but I am scared my state will worsen or I will be devastated by what I see (like Paul here). People say daily practice will end Dark Night, but many people get stuck in this phase despite daily practice. I will watch Abraham’s videos.
  2. So far I would like to know how to handle acute depression, anxiety, fear and etc. emerged in spiritual journey. How do you make money in this state when you lose all your functionality?
  3. I dont want to burn myself If I meditate for hours every day I will go insane. Thank you. Does sharing insights make other people get insights?
  4. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. My mind fools me a lot and I wasted my youth in my mind fantasizing, running after delusions and not being productive at all. There was depression, regret and etc. I have felt suicidal a lot of times. Then 2 years ago I read Eckhart Tolle's book "The Power of Now" and got hope. I started to do meditation in order to make my mind, brain healthier and be happy. I did not know what is ego, what is nirvana, what is insight and etc. I thought ego was some part of my mind and I will get rid of it and be happy like Eckhart Tolle. ... until the beginning of last year, when I got depersonalization/derealization. At that time I found out that ego was me. I was ego. It was so scary. Just several months 20 minutes per day meditation damaged the sense of self. I stopped meditation, sense of self recovered after weeks and I was still unhappy with my ego (no surprise), so after 5 months I resumed meditation. Now I meditate 40 minutes per day and have never got that intense depersonalization yet. I hope I will accept it when it happens. Frustration: 1) I thought it is like sport, I will meditate every day and my mood will get better day by day. But meditation exacerbated depression, regret and etc. I have faith for better outcome, that is why I still continue meditation. 2) I dont believe some notions in spiritual path, such as reincarnation, magickal beings, realms and etc. These notions make me confused. I even think it is psychological path, not spiritual. 3) A lot of people who have been meditating for long years say different, contradictory things, I dont know which is true. This forum is a good example. The biggest challenge is my unfulfilled desires.
  5. Started with 10 minutes, slowly I increased it to 40 minutes and yesterday I did my first 1 hour meditation. I have been meditating for 2 years, but never ever had an insight. I just sit on the edge of bed or lie on the bed and observe how air touches my nostrils when it goes in and out.
  6. If your priority is not being in the now, but be in the future to fulfill your desires, then you are hindering the transformation.
  7. If you have a desire of which you think fulfilling will add a value to your life, to your sense of self, then being in the now will be very painful. You will say "wait Now, wait, I have to do something, then I will come to you, then I will be ready".
  8. In spiritual journey people should abandon their desires. Desires also dont let you be in the now. And people who have fulfilled their desires, see with their own eyes that desires truly did not give them happiness, did not make them feel complete. Furthermore there is no desire left. All these contribute to letting go. To being in the now. To killing sense of self.
  9. People, who have gained a lot of success in life, done whatever they want, kill their ego more easily. Desires dont hold them back. And they know from their experience that nothing satisfies them, nothing gives true happiness. So they firmly make progress in spiritual journey.
  10. On the contrary I regret so much for my life, I cannot let my ego die, I want to change my life for better desperately as soon as possible and live last days of my youth fully, as I never lived it fully.
  11. Meditation is so difficult for me because of this energy. It does not come out and it makes me restless. I sweat, it is very painful. I exert a lot of effort not to stop meditation. And in ordinary life I cannot focus on anything or sit calm because of this energy. I thought it happens to everybody.
  12. Yes Azerbaijan )) I would be very glad, if they can help me. I have little hope.
  13. Why cant I learn it and apply it on myself? There is nobody being capable of doing it in my country,
  14. Although I experienced existential crisis, sadness and etc, I was always happy and complete in the background. After the incident in April 2006 (I mentioned in the post above) that completeness and happiness went away. I want that back and my brain tells me in order to get that back I should do certain things (now it is: fight with 2 strong guys and fuck 2 beautiful girls). In the beginning of the last year when I had Dark Night for several weeks, these missions disappeared and new mission emerged: to get enlightened. I was so happy that those 2 missions disappeared and I did not feel like to do them. But could not be fully happy because, new mission (I have to get enlightened) also made me feel incomplete.