Swagala

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About Swagala

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  • Birthday January 29

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  1. For the last couple years, I've slowly but surely been convincing myself that I don't have time. Maybe I've just been isolated and in my head for so long that I've lost track of time. I've forgotten how much time there really is to experience life. I've had these ideas and desires as to some of the things that I would want to experience in life but because I've believed that there's just not enough time, I've been suppressing these desires. Almost everyday has been either actualizing what I want NOW or to just give up on it entirely. I'm not proud to admit it but it seems like I've been using spirituality to be okay with the belief that I can't do the things that I want to and can't experience the things that I want to experience. I've been using spirituality to be okay in the Now because I've come to believe that it's the only thing that I can have or achieve. I'm not saying spirituality is an escape but that I've been using it to suppress enjoying life because I've totally believed that I'm not allowed to experience and enjoy life. And that shit has been giving me HORRIBLE HORRIBLE self-esteem issues. I'm pretty sure all the anxiety and uncertainty that I had back when I had to be an "adult" played a huge role in the fact that I've been feeling rushed, like I don't have enough time, these last couple of years. Realizing this almost had me crying from the release of this burden or mentality.
  2. When I went through schooling, it never felt like I was actually learning. It felt like I was only ever remembering stuff to pass tests. In math class, I was like a robot that just copied all the formulas, placed the numbers in and solved the equation. Like I said, I was just remembering instead of learning. Same goes for all the classes I had. I also kept to myself, mostly stayed in my house. I never felt like I had any close connections to anyone or anything in life. Basically, it's like I was living in this bubble of ignorance up until this point (21y/o). I didn't actually know anything about how anything worked. I just had assumptions and vague ideas or images of what it is. I don't even know how the government works but I would still participate in all this bickering as if I knew what I'm talking about. I saw reality as this black and white thing instead of this complicated work of art. These past 6-ish months, it's felt like I've started off from scratch. It's felt like I didn't know anything. I became very concerned that all the LSD that I've taken has messed up my brain. It's also felt like there must be something wrong with me. Even now, I still have remains of these small concerns with me. It wasn't until these past couple months that I've began to want to experience and learn the world. Just tonight, I found a textbook that I bought in college about government. When reading it, even the most basic things about government felt like it was the first time I was actually learning or understanding it. I'm actually excited to learn and understand this deep complicated work of art. So, yeah. I feel like I know the answer to my question but with all the (what seems to be) advanced spiritual stuff I'm seeing, I don't think I've read anything relating to this. Which I'm sure there are but I just haven't dug deep enough or put in enough effort to find them. And if what I'm saying doesn't seem like anything close to the spiritual path ('cause I honestly don't know what the spiritual path is anymore), please guide me the right way. Or send me to the insane asylum, whichever is the case. ♥️ Also, if what I'm saying isn't actually insane I'd love to hear your similar past experience or current experience. Thank you.
  3. For the first in my life I've finally felt home. It's like I've finally opened my eyes for the first time. I've always had this feeling like I'm never looking at anything or seeing things clearly but now I understand why. Whenever I have tried to relax in the past, it never felt like I've been doing it right and now I understand. It's like I found a piece of existence that I've never noticed before. I can actually feel my body- I'm actually here! I've been experiencing my whole life but have never really been present. It kind of feels like I've missed so much from only finding this until now. Makes me wonder if everyone has this presence that I've been missing my whole life. When I became aware of this happening, a story came up. It was a story of a boy who was so unsure of himself that he hid from the world. He kept his head down, avoiding eye contact or any attention. It wasn't until he found love for himself that he finally had the courage to look up again.
  4. There I was just 2 days ago, giving up on spirituality. I was tired of chasing and understanding. I just wanted freedom. I just wanted to relax and let go. I didn't want to care anymore, I just wanted to feel love and peace. And then yesterday I realized how weak Fear is and and how irrational giving into the feeling of Fear is. I'm still trying to understand it all. It's so fucking amazing 😭 The amount of joy and happiness there is is so much that it seems so irrational to not want to stay with it and to always feel connected with it.
  5. I was just staring. Sitting, staring at a carpet. I saw how there was so much going on while "just looking at a carpet". So I sort of blanked out and let whatever is going on visually do its thing. I should also include that I was also breathing lol. I was breathing and staring at the same time. When I wasn't focused on the breath, that's when I'd drift off into somewhere else but here.
  6. I'm not sure if I can actually describe it well but I'll try. There was an experience of a higher state of consciousness. The state I was in felt like it was the only place. My experience was the only experience. There was nothing going on, there was only now. This place felt like it's where people can tap into to really understand what the human experience really is. It was a universal place. Honestly, I may be naming my experience as "mystical" incorrectly. My vocabulary- the words I choose to use to name things feel arbitrarily picked at times. I don't know what other people would actually consider my experience as in terms of naming it. Maybe it was just a standard "spiritual" experience although I don't know yet what the difference between a spiritual or mystical experience is if there even is a difference. Or it was a small awakening. My apologies for my lack of... whatever you wanna call this.
  7. Back in college when I was depressed and found Actualized.org, I binge watched a lot of the deep videos. I was basically high on eating up concepts that I really didn't understand. I built up strong ignorance after watching all the videos and naively thinking I knew what Leo was really trying to transmit without ever having a mystical experience. Fast forward to now, I've been having mystical experiences but I am having trouble understanding what's actually going on. I decided to watch the old videos I've watched and even ones I did not watch back in those depressed college days. It was a tough pill to swallow; accepting that I have to start all over because I was full of delusion. Now that I've had mystical experiences, the videos have much more truth than I would have ever imagined.
  8. For me, it works. I've been smoking CBD (basically legal weed) this last few days and I've gotten very mystical experiences. In fact, I had what I can confidently call my first Awakening experience. Total not knowing and nothing made sense. Adding in meditation and some shamanic breathing really helps out.
  9. Some things I experienced: Visual distortions were noticable. A rainbow of colors were in my vision. Patterns appeared, all the usual trippy stuff. When I spaced out with eyes open, it was like my eye's field of vision got horizontally wider. Everything in my vision started to look like a wall right front of my face. My body and the wall 5 feet away from me started merging, there was no space. As I was sitting on the floor, I noticed how bad my back felt (I have terrible posture and have upper back pain) so I started imagining popping or cracking my spine. I naturally ended up doing movements that I've seen from Kundalini yoga videos. I was circling my spine around and then I bending my spine backwards and forwards. I could hear my spine cracking so close to my ear. I cracked my neck as well. There's a spot around the middle of my spine that still feels "crackable" but it feels like it won't. Then my attention was caught by a sensation my sexual region. I could *feel* some kind of fluid. When I focused on it long enough and then contracted, this fluid started going up my spine, maybe 1/3 of the way up which was the highest it went up out of the multiple attempts. There were times when I was startled or started getting a bit anxious of something happening but it was so easy to brush the anxiety off and just go back to the place of peace. I didn't care if the anxious thoughts were going to be true or not, I just knew I'd rather be in peace. I started loving myself. Looking at it now, the reasons why I loved myself seem somewhat selfish or self-centered. The traits that I had seemed like I was meant to have them to grow and love myself. Something in me told me that "whatever brings you peace, follow it, follow your heart, trust in your goodness. Trust in your pursuit of becoming more loving towards people and yourself." Near the end of the trip, the headache that I had during the whole trip began to be unbearable. I took it as a sign to stop and just sleep and relax for a bit and not go any further. Thanks for reading.
  10. At some point in my meditations, I start feeling like my forehead and hands are one. And if I keep focus on this connection, I can feel my consciousness shifting. I have terrible focus so I can't stay on it for longer than maybe 5 seconds. I can feel deep peace and bliss whenever I focus on this connection. I usually sit crisscross and with my hands clasped and resting in front of my crotch area. I've tried having my hands resting on the knees, facing upwards. It kinda feels like both hands are shooting a constant beam of energy towards my forehead. Has anyone else had this sensation and any meaning it may have?
  11. I can relate in more ways than one. I commend you for being so aware of your situation. I would say you could use some self-esteem boost. It seems to me that you may have very low self-esteem which is very understandable. Start working on seeing yourself as confident, independent, worthy, complete, whole, loved. Maybe make a mantra out of it. Do some visualization and imagine what it feels like to be confident, loved, worthy, whole, complete. Do these enough times and I'm sure it'll boost you up. You can also do some Shadow work. Maybe go inside youself and confront those feelings of not being loved enough and sit with them, crying and letting it all out helps as well. When you've built up enough esteem and self-love, you'll stop needing and wanting anything from women or anything really.
  12. It was a little over a few months ago when I first took LSD. After and during every trip, it felt like I didn't know anything, I didn't know how things actually worked. I felt insane, like there was something wrong with me for not having a clue as to what's true or not true. During the times I was sober, I saw how the LSD may have rewired a few things in my mind. It was as if I couldn't see the relationship between a lot of things, how they were connected. The whole experience was confusing and fascinating at the same time. One thing that also happened during and after tripping on LSD that's left me feeling unsettled was how gullible I've become to the thoughts and ideas that pop-up. While on LSD, my mind would think up all these fantastic ideas of what's actually going on and I would believe them. Some ideas were unsettling but I still believed in them, some were selfish and gave me pleasure just thinking about them and I also believed. After a month of taking LSD every week and ending it with a 6-tab dose, my supply got cut off. In my mind I was confident that I'd be fine. But after some weeks pass, I fell apart. I became obsessed with the idea that LSD was my only real way of becoming "enlightened" and that if I don't become awake, then what else is there? For months after the withdrawal, my whole personality was full of frustration and anger. I was angry that my supply was cut-off for what seemed like no reason. All the text that I would read would be read in an angry voice, even most of the thoughts in my head were full of frustration. Every insult that I heared felt like a huge attack or threat against me. Every day, I would think about how I didn't have LSD to keep me on the right track which then left me feeling lost, confused, and frustrated. Every single thought that popped up in my mind, I easily believed. And this was months after being off of acid. It felt so difficult to take a step back from the thoughts, it was a tug-of-war between buying into the thoughts or frustratingly trying to stop and suppress them. I just wanted to bang my head against a wall from all the commotion going on in my head. It wasn't until yesterday that I began to truly heal. A sudden awareness let me see how I've been letting thoughts run my life. It was thought after thought 24/7 throughout most of my life. I saw that there was no thinker. Thoughts began to seem like chatter just to fill up space. That's all they were, chatter. They had no real importance, nothing was accomplished from any of the chatter. It was like I woke up after sleeping for so long only to find that nothing's been done, nothing's been accomplished. I also saw how thoughts worked as if they were only reactions to stimuli. I see a car, thoughts pop-up related to cars. I hear the thought in my head, here's another thought that relates to that thought. Oh, I've become aware of my thoughts? Here's some "spiritual" thoughts about thoughts. I finally saw how much of an affect leaving this thought producing machine running 24/7 had on my life. As I went through my yesterday, I had way less anxiety compared to the days before. Thoughts of how I looked and how I should look were almost no where to be found. I had no thought of how I should have been acting as I went outside. I was less controlling of situations, I was less alert but more aware, I was less opinionated and less judgemental. Looking back now, I feel like my supply getting suddenly cut off and all the pain after that was a blessing 🙏 and a needed lesson. I am filled with so much Appreciation.
  13. Yesterday, I figured out how to get somewhat disconnected from this body. Basically I pick an item from across the room and have an intention to grab it. Then I just watch the body move on its own without even having to keep thinking about what I was trying to do. Also when I just finished moving around like flipping from laying on my back to my front, I would say "I did not do any of that." It works with thoughts too(ish) after the mind finishes up a train of thought and then all that's left is silence. It feels great being the one observing everything.
  14. These are great! Thanks for sharing!