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I wrote this short story a while ago. The story is metaphorical in nature. I hope you will find yourself somewhere in the story. Enjoy! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, somewhere in Middle Earth, there existed one miraculous tree. The tree was so beautiful, so breathtaking, that it took the breath away of every spirit that laid eyes on this tree of miracles. The tree knew not what to do with the breath of the spirit, so it gave the breath back to the spirit. When the breath returned to the spirit, it gave it life. The tree made the spirit alive. Thus, they called this tree that gave life, the Tree of Life. The Tree of Life was grand and miraculous. There are no words that could ever describe the grandeur that existed on the Tree of Life. One could only say that the Tree of Life was truly miraculous. Life was its greatest miracle. The Tree of Life was so phenomenal that it created the life of many phenomena. In the beginning, the tree was not alive, but since it gave the gift of life to all forms, the Tree of Life itself became alive. The Tree of Life created life forms in many shapes and sizes. It housed many plants and animals. Everything alive lived on the Tree of Life. Around the tree trunk, many serpents dwelled. The serpents hid where all the darkness of life beheld. The crown of the tree exposed all other animals. In the crown of the tree was where all other animals lived. There were elephants that weighed a ton and birds that flew in a flock of one. All life was created to live on the Tree of Life. The location of the tree was uncertain. Some say that the Tree of Life was located between everything and nothing. Other, more certain voices said that the tree existed somewhere between Heaven and Hell. Nobody knew everything, so nobody knew the exact location of the tree. Some said that the Tree of Life extended its roots all the way down to Hell. Its crown, on the other hand, extended high up all the way to the heavens. Between Heaven and Hell, life was to be lived on the Tree of Life. The outer parts of the tree were bathing in the sunrays of the mighty sun. The inner parts of the tree were enveloped in shadows. The deeper one went down the tree, the more darkness he saw. The lower someone went, the darker the tree shadow became. The greater the tree, the bigger the shadow. The Tree of Life was so great that its shadow extended indefinitely into nothingness. All life forms that lived in the shadows, lived in darkness of their ignorance. In eternal darkness, they suffered the lack of light. On the outskirts of the Tree of Life, however, lived many life forms that could glimpse the light of the mighty sun. Only on the edge of the Tree of Life, the light shined brightly. Only on the verge of the Tree of Life, one could see the new frontiers. Only on the edge of life, one could see what lies beyond the Tree of Life. The opportunity to glimpse beyond the Tree of Life was given to the few lucky animals that were born to escape their darkness. On the outer bounds of the tree, there lived many animal forms. Among them, the birds soared the highest. The birds lived high up the tree and they only wished to be free. There were many species of birds, but the highest among them were the eagles. The eagles saw the light, they saw the goodness, but they also saw many upheavals. The highest among the birds were the eagles. The highest eagle among all the eagles was the bald eagle. One day, one bald eagle became discontented with all the shadows and darkness that existed on the Tree of Life. The bald eagle started to despise all the contents of the mighty Tree of Life. With immense baldness, the bald eagle one day decided to leap out of the tree and fly into new lands. The bald eagle decided to leave the Tree of Life. He wished to seek a new light. With a giant leap, the bald eagle left the Tree of Life and flew into the unknown. For seven days he ventured into the wide skies and saw blue oceans with its own eyes. For seven long days, the bald eagle journeyed into different coasts and he saw the shadows of many ghosts. For seven long days, the bald eagle was missing from the Tree of Life, but on the seventh day, he returned back to the tree. There was only one thing in the world that the bald eagle wanted more than to be free. The bald eagle more than his own freedom wished to give freedom to all the other life forms on the Tree of Life. The bald eagle wished to discover the nature of the self. The more he discovered the self, the more selfless he became. Eventually, he became so selfless that he forgot that he was a bald eagle. Beyond the nature of the self, the bald eagle discovered the beauty and freedom that existed beyond Life. Through his death, he learned how to discover the beauty of life. Once discovered, the bald eagle wished to share the truth, the beauty with all the other eagles. Many times the bald eagle left the Tree of Life, but he always returned. Upon his return, he shared his words; he shared his wisdom with all the other eagles. The bald eagle tried to describe his visions, but all he did was to create new divisions. The bald eagle told the other eagles about the sights that exist beyond the Tree of Life. He told them about the new conditions that exist beyond their traditions. But the words that the bald eagle spoke fell on deaf ears. The other eagles didn’t believe the Bald One because he always disappeared. The eagles believed only in that which appeared. Only their own appearances became real to them. Everything else remained unreal. Their whole lives, the eagles knew nothing other than the Tree of Life. The Tree was their Life. They held onto the Tree for dear life. Nobody believed the bald eagle. But the bald eagle was bold. He did not get discouraged. In other’s disbelief, he found his own courage. Thus, the bald eagle roved between the Tree of Life and the unknown. What he found could not be shown. The eagle flew alone, but every seventh day he returned to the Tree of Life, which now became his throne. The bald eagle foretold his tales, again and again. He shared his truth with the other eagles, but his Truth was only his own. All other eagles lived in their own zone. For many years the bald eagle came and went from the Tree of Life. He told many unbelievable stories about life and light. He told stories that other eagles couldn’t believe. But eventually, his persistence paid off. After many years, his words intrigued few other eagles that became curious about the nature of life beyond the Tree of Life. Few golden eagles left their nests, and in the land of the unknown became new guests. The golden eagles joined the Bald One, for they too wished to know what hides behind the drape. Eventually, more and more eagles started to leave the Tree of Life and beyond life they sought their escape. The golden eagles came and went. They followed the steps of the Bold One. Some golden eagles got lost into some golden treasures, but the bald eagle always returned. No matter how far he went, the Bold One always returned to tell the other eagles about the beauty that exists beyond the Tree of Life. Every seventh day, on a Sunday, when the God of creation rested, the bald eagle came back to give rest to the restless souls that lived on the Tree of Life. He told many stories with great conviction, and his stories became ever more convincing. His voice became louder and deeper. One day his voice became so loud and deep that all the eagles on the tree could hear the stories of the bald eagle. Many started to believe in his stories, but many still had doubts. The eagles that believed through their belief found the courage to take a leap out of the Tree of Life and into the unknown. To prove that they believed, they had to go beyond just a mare belief and leave the Tree of Life. The ideas that were only believed became dogma, but the ideas that were actualized became a new way of life. Only the ideas that were embodied had the potential to inspire their spirit to leave the Tree of Life. Through that potential, many eagles acquired the hidden spirit of the bald eagle and became inspired to leave the crown of life for the crowns that lie beyond life. Many types of eagles started leaving the Tree of Life. From the tree, they could only glimpse the rays of light that fell on the tree, but from beyond the tree they could see the light more clearly. From beyond the Tree of Life, they could see the pure light in all its glory. The nature of the light was quite peculiar. Only those who had seen the light, knew the light. Those who heard about the light had an idea about it, but an idea is not the same as knowing. Knowing could only be known through first-hand experience and not second-hand. Light could be only experienced and could not be shared with others. That was the peculiar nature of the Light. Another peculiar thing started to happen more and more. When the eagles left the Tree of Life and came back to the Tree, they always returned with more light than when they left. The eagles returned lighter than they used to be. Since they were lighter, they became more uplifting and started to uplift the spirits of all the other animals. The other animals that lived in the Tree of Life could not understand the language of the eagles, since all animals spoke their own language. The animals didn’t speak the eagle language, but they could feel that lightness of being that started to descend on the Tree of Life. The language of the eagles had limitations, and the biggest limitation was the fact that only eagles could only understand other eagles. When other animals heard the eagles speak, they only heard noise. Every type of animal spoke their own language. Despite the fact that all animals called the Tree of Life their home, each animal lived among their own tribe and spoke only the language of their tribe. Some eagles, taken with the beauty of the light which they witnessed outside the Tree of life, started to share the beauty beyond life with the other animals. However, all the other animals heard was an eagle screech. They only heard the harsh, piercing cry of the eagle voice and could not understand what the eagles preach. Some eagles took some snakes with their claws and flew beyond the Tree of Life, but the snakes couldn’t fly. The snakes had many flaws. The snakes had to follow the Earthly laws. The story of the light started to become prevalent among the eagles. Many eagles started to bathe in the Light of the sun. The light became so intense that the eagles started to sense the light of all the stars in the nightly skies. In the starlight they started to see their own reflection. In the light, they began to see the light that exists within their spirits. One day, like any other, the eagles made a pact among each other. One faithful day they made an agreement with all the birds of their own kind. The agreement was that the next day, on sunrise, when the light appears on the horizon, all the eagles will jump in unison and venture together to seek the light. In a flock of one, all eagles decided to leap from the Tree of Life and pursue the rays of the mighty sun. What they would find in the light they knew not, but they knew that must give it a shot. There was much uncertainty about what would happen with the Tree of Life if all eagles left at the same time. Thus far, each eagle strayed separately into the unknown. But now for the first time the eagles agreed to go together. The eagles encouraged each other to seek the light. By now they sensed what lies beyond the Tree of Life, but they knew not what would happen if all the eagles left simultaneously. The only way to find the answer was to do it. Only when they left the tree, they could see what would happen to the Tree of Life. Early the next morning, as the sun was rising from the East, the eagles sought to find their release. From the crown of the tree, they saw the new light of day and for the first time decided to leap jointly into the light. In an instant, they decided to forget the Tree of Life and seek the light. They did as they had promised. The eagles flew high into the deep blue open air. They spread their wings and started to fly towards the source of the light. The sun seemed infinitely far away, but the eagles had hopes that with great dedication, infinity is within their reach. The eagles flew for hours. The bald eagle led the pack. He soured through the resistance of the air and made the travel easier for the eagles that came behind. As the eagles traveled through the air, the sun traveled through the sky. In the wide open space where everything appeared transfixed, everything was moving slowly to its right destination. The sun was going west where it sets, and the eagles were going wherever the light of the sun took them. Long and tiring was the journey to the light. It took irrevocable commitment to seek the light. The eagles sought the light even at the cost of their lives. For days the eagles flew toward their destination that seemed forever unreachable. On the way there, they lost many lives. Many eagles got tired. Many fell from the skies into their demise. They faced many hardships and storms. In their determination to seek the light, they all conformed. With each passing day, their wings got heavier. The eagles passed through many barriers. Through the sheer determination of their will, they pushed against the winds. Some eagles cursed the day when they decided to leave the Tree of Life. Their life used to be a miracle, but now, away from the tree that gave them life, it was a miracle they are still alive. The eagles were getting closer to the light. They could see its shine, they could feel its warmth, but they could not get it swarmed. The closer they got, the further apart it seemed to move away from them. While flying through the open air, a heavy storm befell on the flock of eagles. This storm was unlike any other. The storm filled the air with darkness and completely eclipsed all the light. The eagles couldn’t see the other eagles. The darkness swallowed their hopes of reaching their destination. Their souls yearned for the light, but all they got was a dark night. A dark night of the souls befell on their shattered spirits. In complete darkness, all the eagles got lost. The next day, one eagle opened his eyes. What he saw was beyond belief. What he felt was only immense grief. The lonely eagle had lost all his brothers and sisters. The lost eagle lost track of all the other eagles. He could finally see the light in front of his own face. He saw the end of the endless race. In the end, he was the winner. He was the one who found the gateless gate, but there was nobody else there to witness his fate. The poor eagle was all alone. There was nobody there who could throw him a bone. The eagle could eat only that which he had grown. He was thrown into the unknown where he was alone. The eagle missed all the other eagles. He wondered what had happened to them. He reminisced on their fate, but he found nobody with which he could relate. There was nothing left of his previous life. Everything that the eagle had left was the purity of light that blinded his spirit. The lonely eagle wished to cry. The poor eagle wished to die. With his last breath, he gathered his last strength and plunged into the radiance of the sun. Before he merged into the light, he experienced the ultimate gaslighting. The lonely eagle finally realized the true nature of his own reality. He finally realized that no eagles ever flew in a flock. Eagles for all of eternity had always flown alone. The eagle realized that all his life; he had imagined the Tree of Life. He had imagined the company of other eagles. He imagined all miracles. The lonely eagle imagined that it was him that imagined life, and it was him that imagined his own imagination. The eagle recognized that it was him who created all the distinctions under the light of the sun. He finally remembered why he was always searching for the light. He was always searching for that which he is. There was never a Tree of Life. There was never a bald eagle. All that ever was; all there ever will be; is the Light.

Yeah nothingness is really hell for me I have flipped coins,i have seen the distinction. Sometimes it's hard to believe "that" is reality. This dream is easier to believe.

If it's changing.. Then that's not what is aware of change. If what's aware of change itself is a subject to change.. Then a statement about absolute change cannot be made. Without there being a static ground that is observing the change.. without being affected by it. Who you think you are changes. Who you really are which is nothing doesn't change. How can nothingness change?. Forms keep changing. The formless doesn't and can't change. And since forms keep changing they aren't really forms.. That makes them formless. So forms change which means they are formless... And the formless doesn't change. In other words.. Change is changeless as change. If change is an absolute.. It becomes changeless as change. I hope this makes sense

@Bulgarianspirit lol so being in hell is a better option for you than nothingness? But don't be afraid of nothingness.. It's not hiding "somewhere" that you might end in.. emptiness is the other side of fullness.. If you flip the coin of somethingness you will find nothingness.

You should be good to others, because these "others" are just as much you as the "me inside this body" you believe you are. Of course it takes a lot of consciousness work to realize Oneness, i.e. that there is only one Self, which is what you are, and which is what everything and everyone else is too. This 'Self' is equal to Nothingness, Consciousness, God, Love, etc :> The 'I' you think you are, i.e. a separate self stuck in a body, experiencing an outside material world: that is illusion. You aren't stuck in a body. You are absolutely nothing, thus everything, imagining everything from nothing, including "yourself" and "others".

To be fair,any mind destined to exist in the void for an eternity,alone in time would go mad, or have multiple personality disorder. Inside outside is the first thing to go... When one realizes this is all happening inside god's mind, truly see we are but imagined persons or puppets, at first the implications are maddening. Eventually you accept it but damm,this will never end. There is no escape even death is not an escape. The best we can do is accept things as they are. If some of you want to go away do mahasamadhi so be it,but damm for me thats no escape at all,didn't we run away(imagined) from that place for a reason? Can you bear the burden to be the only being for all eternity.. What bliss does nothingness bring? You will be back here,pretending again.

@Sam Johnson how do you expect "other people" to exist outside of your imagination when you yourself don't exist outside of your imagination?. In reality there is neither "you" nor "other people". These are just nothingness misidentifying with a stream of thoughts and appearances creating out of them an illusion of "person" and "people" as solid entities when there aren't such things . The problem is you are assuming an experiencer on top of experience.. When there is nothing but experience alone. On my end as in your end. There is actually no two persons communicating right now. That's a thought which in not the actuality of THIS. Only being is real. There isn't a single "person "in reality. I know this sounds insane and it is.. It is absolutely true tho.

I went into this trip with the intention to solve my fear around money. I took about 200ug of lsd. Having set up with mediation, then taking it while meditating. The come up was vary rapid this time compared to normal. I took double what I had previously after doing a bit of testing to gauge how much I could handle. In my meditation I hit a point where there was nothing. I was able to then become aware of it. The effects were very powerful and I had no resistance. I felt completely with nothingness. I seemed to be completely separated from any attachment to "reality" or being. I felt an extremely powerful force over me. I had an extremely strong feeling I should master speaking. I felt as is there could be nothing else I could do. I felt as if I was chosen from god. I felt like I was completely tapped into a divine power. That I needed to master this skill. I was crying at the sheer power I felt of the need to do this. I transitioned to taking a shower. I had a complete break down of reality in what seemed piece by piece. I realized that I am god. I could see imagery of all sorts of life. After the shower I looking at my paper saying "fear around money". This seemed completely preposterous given the experience I had just had. I realized just really how lucky I am. The fact that I am even knowledgeable on any of this was just luck. This experience is amazing with or without money. I realized that I need to use these tools to get to a point of financial security. I had fully realized that I want to teach personal development for a life purpose. I realized how much I love this stuff. It is the only thing I can think about in a way. This type of work would not feel like work at all if I were working on personal development stuff. I could spend my whole life studying this field and enjoy it. I wrote "I could spend my whole life teaching people how to improve themselves". I had a break down of all sorts of past relationships I had and how I evolved from them. Analyzing my dating relationships to all of my previous friendships. I bluntly realized that I don't care about my father. I felt a complete detachment from any need or desire from that relationship. I will continue to talk to my father, but this put things in a new perspective. I had just started a relationship with him for the first time in 7 years. I think a lot of my money chasing through the years was because I wanted to feel I would make my dad proud. I had a break down of my current relationships and interactions with people. I was able to drop all of my tensions I built up in one of my toast masters groups. I feel like I will be able to utilize these groups much more effectively now. I have a lot to take in and work on from this.

Does this means nothingness is not every thing? bcause there is also my concept about it? So two things nothingness and concepts or maybe three things nothingness and concepts and distinctions

Actual nothingness is not your concept about it. I can't explain it to you and you can't understand it. You either experience this or not.

This is my 3rd time doing LSD, I created a trip report last time on both my back to back experiences on LSD. You could find my first trip report here: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/44301-trip-report-trying-lsd-for-the-first-time/#comment-556715 Picked up a new batch of LSD tabs from the same trusted source, tabs were 150ug each. I already tested them myself with Ehrlich's reagent test kit. I decided to do it last Friday with a friend at his place in his bedroom. We didn't overly prepare for the trip, I thought I'd ask my friend 2 days in advance if he wanted to do LSD, this was his first time and he said yes. There are many psychedelic preparation videos or websites with checklists saying things along the lines of "meditate before tripping" "make sure you're in a good mindset," but we honestly took it spontaneously and it turned out very well. It was taken in a safe environment, and was with a close friend. Although I wasn't completely prepared for this trip, I feel that I was at least "ready" to take it and let go of any resistance to anything I experience. Last two trips I wrote about in my first trip report, I did one tab then two tabs back to back with 3 days in between. 1st trip was enjoyable, but 2nd trip I had a bad experience and was resisting too much. In this 3rd trip, I experienced "ego death" for the very first time on one 150ug tab. Before the trip: Before the trip, I was helping my friend with something work related, and we both agreed on taking the LSD 30 minutes later. Once we popped the LSD in our mouth at around 5pm I started to feel a bit of anxiety, but I just did some breathing and my friend told me he had some essential oil to apply to the eyelids to help with anxiety so I used that as well. We then just chilled and played a bit of video games on the computer. 25 minutes in I started to feel the effects, I felt like doing nothing at all as usual with psychedelics so I got on his bed and laid down. We shut off the computer, played some music and just literally did nothing but wait for the effects to kick in further. I felt an urge to sleep on his floor rather than his bed so I did so, he lent me a pillow. For a while we were trying to find the best music to play which we both would enjoy. I suggested piano, mellow music, but his playlist wasn't what I enjoyed so I asked if I could play music. Played some acid jazz music that I used to listen to on psychedelics, and the whole time I was wondering what he thought of my music. He said he thought the exact same thing when he was playing music, about how he wondered what I thought of the music. Later on I played some music that I listened to regularly and not an acid playlist, and he enjoyed it. The Come Up: I wasn't exactly keeping track of the time, but around 6-7pm is when I would say the effects were fully kicking in and when we were slowly reaching the peak. Nothing was making ANY sense to me at all. I was controlling the music but didn't know what was on my playlist anymore, and thought what's the point of finding a good song. I just played whatever was on my playlist and stopped caring, I also asked if I could play anything and he said yes because he wanted the experience for me to be as comfortable as possible, so I did. I saw a bit of visuals, objects were slightly twisting and saw some pink and green colors. At one point I was laying down, the experience was enjoyable so far but all of a sudden I thought of some past trauma with some stupid old crush rejecting me. I instantly got up, and started breathing to get my mind off of it so I could prevent a bad trip. Luckily I got my mind off it and laid back down. The Peak: Had no idea what time it was during the peak of this trip, but it might've been around 7 or 8pm. Once I entered the peak, I completely blanked out. I lost COMPLETE sense of my self, my memory, who I was, what I do for a living, all thoughts, all beliefs, EVERYTHING. This must've lasted an hour or so. All that was left was just sitting there in peace, as an entity. I didn't see anything, all I saw in my awareness is what you see when your eyes are closed shut in a lit room, it wasn't just completely black. I loved this, it was very peaceful. This experience gave me an idea of what death is like, complete nothingness. This reduced my fear of death, if I imagine what death of myself as a human is like, I imagine it to be exactly like this. The Come Down: At around 9:30pm, this is when the trip turned into a bit of a bad trip. But it wasn't bad because I saw something frightening, it was because I came back into my physical body after sitting in peace for some time. It was as if I didn't want to come back. I died, then I came back to life and it freaked me out. I remember yelling "Where am I?!" "What's going on?!" My friend was next to me saying "Everything's fine, you're in my room. We took LSD and we're tripping right now that's what's happening. I know exactly how you're feeling right now, at some point everything will be back to normal." That meant nothing to me, because nothing made any sense. 80% of my memory was still gone at this point. We were still tripping, so we spent an hour waiting for the effects to go away. During this time, my mom was calling and texting me because I was out for a while. I didn't answer, didn't know who it was or why she was contacting me. I was trying to remember my life but I was having a hard time. I had some Chipotle I was eating, had no idea why I was eating it but it the back of my mind I knew I had to finish it. My friend brought me into his living room so we could talk, but I honestly did not know who he was or why I was there. Sounds like I'm joking but I'm serious. It was a weird feeling, it felt like I was in some random person's house who apparently knows me, but in the back of my mind I knew things would be okay. But at the same time my mom was contacting me and it was making me feel concerned about where I was. After I finished my food, my friend wanted to go out for a walk. It was around 11pm, it was dark outside. Stepping outside felt foreign to me. This is when I realized I left earth for some time and now I'm back for the first time in awhile. Everything I saw felt a bit new to me. Or it felt like I forgot about these things and are now reminded of them after a long while. Such as cars, ambulance sirens, roads, etc. We walked to the park, I was dead silent, I barely talked to my friend because my mind just wasn't clear and I can't converse after doing psychedelics. He started to assume things, maybe somethings up with me. But later on I cleared things up and got rid of his assumptions. It seemed to me like he was completely fine and didn't experience the same thing I experienced. We then chilled, talked about life until 2am, I was still only 90% back to life, slightly tripping. We called myself a cab, I forgot coronavirus was a thing, the driver told me to sit in the back seat. I got home, and I was up until 8am scrolling through social media and Youtube. It was honestly so strange to me, looking at people do human things on the internet holy shit. Insights/What I've gained from this trip: I now have a general idea of what death is like, or what it could be like. This resulted in a reduced fear of death. Might be too early to say but I may have gotten over some trauma that I've been suffering through for several months. I had a crush on a girl from work, she seemed into me but I messed it up with my neediness so she basically told me to fuck off. This experience made me love myself more and love the little things about life More motivation to pursue spirituality

So I've been going through what I would call a radical identification awakening. As a result of intense meditation sessions and self-inquiry. The seperate sense of self and doership is completely collapsing.. The veil has completely broken and I'm aware that I'm not the ego.. Who thinks it's doing stuff. I'm not the body or mind. Or the world. The body is seen as the world.. Not me. A complete understanding has occurred that I'm pure present. At the center. What's surrounding the center is none of my business. The body mind and the world. It will unfold naturally as it's always done. But I as pure present nothingness is just a vessel for it. None of it is in my control. This point about control is very important.. Because it leads to the discovery that you are not who you think you are. You think you are separate entity. You are a specific thing. You think you are the doer. You're not. When thoughts arise.. You are not thinking them. When the body moves internally or externally.. You are not moving it. You have as much control over your body as you have over my body.. Zero. If you raise your hand.. You are not doing It. This is important because that means you are not the body.. And you are not the seperate self who is in control. So what are you?

This is not a philosophy or a belief. You become conscious of it as being the ultimate truth. Only thing that exists is nothingness. And that is me. Period. Ofcourse it's not possible to get it intellectually. Because the intellect is what's working a full time job to prevent this realization. You need to destroy the intellect.

The "you" and "me" That you are referring to here are the bodies. The body is not who you or me are. What you are is nothingness. So am I. Therefore we are identical. The relative domain is made of infinite dualities that are actually unified and one. So there is literally no difference between your cat.. You.. And me. All equally nothing.

That is amazing insights. Definitely you’re in the right direction?. Roger Castillo’s teaching are very similar to what you’re sharing and he seems very awake. Can u please share any recommendations when it comes to books, practices and even nothingness. I do feel the same but still it’s not 100% ingrained..

No "why" is answerable. Nothingness is waking up to itself. The separate self doesn't wake up because it is illusory. It dissolves.. Or the appearance of it dissolves.. And the true Self shines. It's just removing the mask of the seperate self and seeing what is actually there. There is no nothing wrong with the body. For you have yet to understand the body is here to do what it's here to do. Think about other human bodies that you see on the streets.. Do you bother with what they are doing? No. for you understand they are not you. Who is waking up? Now imagine you add "this body" to the list until the whole world including your body is seen from the perspective of a pre-written movie that has nothing to do with you as the watcher nor is it in your control. It's one thing tho to theorize about this.. And to actually experience it as being the case.

Because ultimately the only real thing is nothing. The Self is not any form or thing.. And since suffering is a form.. It is not "ultimately" real.. It's half real and half illusory.. Just like everything else.. That's why suffering ultimately is illusion. Because it will die at the end like everything else and only nothingness will remain untouched forever. The problem is identification. As long as you believe you are this body and that you must have everything your way you are doomed to suffer.. And the more you are attached and identified with forms and your body - mind the more you suffer. But don't worry because you are not this body and mind.. You are not in control of anything.. Everything is a temporary passing show.. And nothing truly can touch who you really are.. Nothingness.

How its possible? The void is nothingness, no love, no conciousness...if there is love or conciousness, it's not the void. I intuite that it's the truth in that words but I can't understand Absolutely True, I realized the void and I realized that the last last base of all that exist is the nothingness, and you and me are made of nothingness so we are nothingness. So where is the conciousness, the love and the eternal self? I think I perceiving more and more, as Leo said, I look around my room and I see the void and the eternal present. If I meditate 2 min i perceive the people and me like transparent, made of nothingness. But nothing more

I have watched the video more than twice. It was excellent! And, I have many questions than I need direct answers for. Like what is Nothingness? What is Infinite Intelligence? What is Absolute Infinity? But, words are tricky and the mind gets attached to the concept of these words, which I am sure are not anywhere remotely close to the actual experience itself. The only facets I am aware of are - Absolute Love, Absolute Bliss, Oneness, Consciousness/Awareness as the substance of reality, no self, and timelessness. There's much more to find out.

You'd think that but that's exactly the thing. When you see the world as time and space you see many beings and some are not enlightened, others are... But in reality there is only one being - Empty Consciousness outside of spacetime (God)... And all the dreams within that consciousness (You and I as bodyminds) are NOT reality. These dreams appear to the eternal nothingness which is the reality. Just like your dream space and time are not reality, but the knower of the dream is reality, in the very same way I say that this appearance of space and time is NOT reality, but the knower of that spacetime and ego IS the reality and that knower is beyond the spacetime just as it is beyond the dream spacetime at night... I am also not talking shallow stuff btw, I have been "marinating" as they say, for quite some time, my egomind should have shed a few layers of onion by now.

@electroBeam I think you’ve been kickin ass in life, doing all the shit we all gotta do if you will, doing the grind, for a long time. One perspective as a way to approach and communicate this... the ‘normal’ life cycle is born, learn, develop, work / contribute to society / ‘build a life’...then eventually retire....and that would typically be where / when an unwinding of the psyche occurs. We could think of the would ‘retirement’ as if it pointed to each of us ‘retiring’ the ego, or that self we developed which did all the work through out life. But we, as in me, you, and pretty much everyone involved with the forum, practices, trips, etc - are ‘speeding up’ that ‘retirement of the self’ portion of the overall journey. So, it would be perfectly natural than when we ‘speed up’ the path in this sense...the ‘stuff that we purge out’ would come up with more intensity. Specifically, concerns would arise that could be fundamentally - “If there’s no me ain’t none of this shit gonna get done!!!”. This would invoke a phase experienced as if we’re being torn in half. All matters of ‘the path’ are deconstructive. What’s being deconstructed is the finite mind. The fascinating nature of this process is that there is no finite mind. “It” is the illusion of itself, or the illusion is that there is an “it” which is being deconstructed. Infinity, in the sense “it” “leads to” the appearance which ‘leads to’ the assumption there is a finite mind, is divine perfection, and could not possibly be more smoothly ‘constructed’ (because it literally isn’t, as it is an appearance). So think of this perhaps like water & ice. It is no trouble at all for water to freeze and be ice cubes. There is no actual effort involved. Effort, is a belief the water has, only when the water believes in ice. There is no ice, there is only water being, via appearing as, ice, and more perhaps more relevantly, ice cubes. Our story “begins” (no beginning really, but from eternalness to appearance) as Nothingness...but is not thought about until water appears as the ice cubes of “thinking”. Front the perspective of the ice cube (a perspective which is itself an appearance), there seems to be “something forgotten”, which stands to be “remembered”. The complete melting of the ice = the realization there was, is, and will only ever be, water. As a cube melts, or, as the finite mind is deconstructed, those perfectly smooth phases of appearing as encountered - but backwards. Forward, no problem whatsoever, silky smooth. Backwards though, it’s a ride through a mindfuck jungle of epic proportions. One could argue this is because the ‘design’ is that of forward ness, and it is going against ever possible grain to go backwards. I have come to realize (and this is of course just something it seems like someone is saying) that this is not the case. Rather than this being attributed to a ‘design’ or intention, or any ‘thing’ which can be thought, it is due to what could be said to be the most profound realization - that infinite can not know finite. That phrase can be taken many ways. The implication I’m trying to convey is that the statement reveals there is no finite. Simply put, if you read that statement, and see a distinction, it reveals to you that you are the holder of the distinction. There is quite literally no one here which is saying it. “It”, is literally, you. If that reveals it’s intended message, it is quite comforting in the ‘nothing matters’ great feeling sense. So in regard to the experience you are having, I would say it is the letting go, or the allowing of, the deconstruction of the finite mind. As “it” untangles “itself”, which is to say see’s through it’s own fabricating & perpetuating that “it” has any existence whatsoever...the smooth ‘forward’ constructive of the experience of self & world are experienced backwards. Going backwards, one experiences all of the misnomer labels of psychology and physiology. So yes indeed, it is experienced as the mind falling apart. But ‘falling apart’, really points to seeing through it - ultimately it is seen that there was nothing there which was deconstructed or ever ‘fell apart’. Like every single word us humans say, it complete and utter bullshit. Story, if you will. ‘You’ are clearly deep underway in this deconstruction, encounter ‘phases’ of construction, backwards. And yes, simple put, it is fucked up. It is logic, rational thought, reason, morality, purpose, etc - experienced backwards. It’s not going to make sense - unless of course, it is very much recognized that this is what’s transpiring. The ‘framing’ makes all the difference in perspective, which makes all the difference in terms of ‘making sense’ of what the hell is going on. There is peace and comfort is seeing & understanding this process as accurately as possible. Understanding which later, ‘itself’, goes too, as it is ‘seen’ that it was only of the apparent finite mind. Which is to say, you are neck deep in mindfuck town, on the daily. I have been there and can relate. Operating businesses, and the relationships involved, as well as a marriage and the roles of son, father, brother, friend, etc, etc, through this deconstruction process is a major undertaking. It is audacious. The adventure (forwardness) of living is quite enough. Some sicko’s like us want more though, we want the truth. I refer to that added ‘uncovering of the finite mind’ & therefore ‘reality’ as the metadventure. You, like I, are undertaking both of these simultaneously. Clarity, relaxation & understanding virtually dictate how this goes, and how it is experienced. I’ve said a lot here and honestly am I able to decipher if it is informative or nonsensical rambling. In that vein I’ll conclude with this...there is that old quote attributed to The Buddha... ”There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: not going all the way, and not starting.” No one ‘goes all the way’. I mean to communicate this in the most absolute literal sense. There is not one single person on this earth who has ‘gone all the way’. ‘Going all the way’ ‘results’ in the realization that you wrote that quote, you literally create it by appearing as it, right this very moment. The quote is not attributed to Siddhartha, it is attributed to The Enlightened One, and there are not two. That quote could never be ‘pinned down’ in any literal sense as to wether or not Siddhartha actually said it, because the whole point of the quote is that “he” never existed. The Buddha is existence, and you sir, are The Enlightened One. Not ‘you’ the ‘person’ or ‘finite mind’of course, but you which has been appearing all along as the person & world, and all the activities within it. The most relevant of these activities, given ‘where you’re at’ in the backwards metadventure of mindfuckery, is the encountering of the misalignment between feeling and thought. So though it maybe or may not be initially satisfying to read, the ‘resolve’ is that there is already not a problem, it just feels like there is. The ‘problem’ is that there is no longer anything ‘thing’ which can be pointed to as the catalyst for why you feel this way that you do lately. In an apparent attempt to perpetuate the illusion of it’s own existence, the finite mind will through everything and a hundred kitchen sinks up as the “reason”, or “catalyst”, for why you feel this way. So the resolve (forward / thought based), is now actually replaced by the the non-resolve (backwardsness). Or most simply put - Letting Go. There has not been a ‘self’ doing anything, all has always only been an appearance, as I believe you’re pretty aware & becoming increasingly aware of. It is that notion of ‘increasingly aware’ which now must be, Let Go. There never was a ‘you’ ‘with’ ‘awareness’ ‘increasing’. That notion can be put down, or, Let Go. One way to approach this, that I in the personal ‘what works best’ way prefer, is to take complete and a rather ownership of it. Linguistically, this sounds like “ok...fuck it...the jig is up...I’m doing it”, “how I feel is only because of how I’m looking at this, whatever ‘this’ in this moment seems to be”. This uncovers our write offs, the labels and symbols of the mind we use to apply the sheen of a story to the actuality. This includes labels like fear, and insanity. More practically speaking, we could say there are humans who let go rather naturally, and there are humans which do not let go naturally, and must learn to. Those who don’t let go quite so naturally have the added challenge of the effect this has psychosomatically, or, the backwards experience of what appears physiologically. The simplest way I can say this, is attention is being given to thought / thinking...about...this experience. Attention could (and I really want to say should) be given to the body, relaxation vs tension, and specifically to witnessing the relationship between a thought or perspective, and the reaction of the body of tension vs relaxation. Even more practically (and obnoxiously to ‘get through’)...I would literally slap yourself across the face a few times. Literally. Also have someone else do this. Seriously, yet to slap the seriousness right out of you. Then, I would make a list of everything you can think of which contributes to relaxation no longer being a thought, or having anything to do with thought - and fully realizing relaxation is feeling, and or is more ‘actual’ relative to thinking about relaxation. I would do all those things you can come up with. For starters, go get a massage. Maybe order a neck massager device thingy. Do deep breath stretches early in the morning, hold extended stretches while breathing into them, feeling the literal deeper & deeper release of the muscles. Stretch like that multiple times a day. As cliche as it seems to have become - the key is within you - so the key, is what you like. Do stuff you like, that feels good to you. There is a source of all feeling good, ‘you’ are going to that source. That source is aware the backwards travel to ‘it’ is challenging & difficult. By recognizing ‘it’ is always coming to ‘you’, we can recognize the ‘how’ of this, is via feeling...specifically, feeling good. There is no point beyond this experience right now, because there is no thing beyond this experience right now. If you are not enjoying the experience of right now, for ‘it’s’ own sake, regardless of whatever appears to be ‘going on’, it will not feel quite right. You could say it will feel partial or hollow, rather than whole, or full. There are limited culprits as to what seems to be preventing this enjoying this right now unconditionally. They are thoughts / perspectives about self, past, future, and or other. That’s it. It is simple, but thoughts which arise which reveal emotional misunderstanding yet fully untangled & aligned, seem to complicate. There is an apparent added layer, in that it is tempting to then say that the thoughts / perspectives are the catalyst. Experientially, they are. But in actuality they are not. Truly, the source of all that is, is within ‘you’. But that is the very nature, of the backwardness of the path. They (thoughts & perspectives) don’t actually ‘cause’ anything, but this, from certain perspectives, can be taken as offensIve When I firmly believe that this is the case nonetheless. But that, is one such example of the involvement of thought of self, other, past, and or future. Also...if ‘spirituality’ is defined, ultimately, as The Absolute Truth, then all else is relative to it. So I believe your sleep is related to all of this. I would loosen up the black & whiteness of sleep, with the acknowledgement that it can’t truly be said to be needed. As a different contextualization, look at it like rest & relaxation is needed. I would definitely keep a bedside dream journal. Dreams are messages from that which you are headed to, so to speak. “It” is communicative, yet not in the linguistic sense we often figure it would be. When we think ‘objectively’, we tend to equate that to scientific thinking, or logic, or rationality. However, it is not, at all. For objectivity to be anything other than unconditional love, is a misnomer. So whatever the ‘problem’ is, whatever is thought to be the ‘catalyst’ - love that. Don’t force yourself, reveal yourself, in loving that. A specific example easily comes to mind for me...kids are playing, loudly, downright crazy style...there could be a tendency for me to adopt the perspective “I’m trying to write here for fuck sakes, go somewhere else”. But, the trut is, I totally love it. I love their playing, and the craziness. I will miss it when it is no longer appearing. I love it indeed very much. There is the implication that there is a small ‘emotional processing’ which transpired in that example. A ‘getting from’ the intuitive perspective of “get TF out of here kids”...to “I actually love it”, but there is not. This you could say is post-backwards-path-completion. I hope you get what I’m saying there, in the keep Letting Go - it is most worthwhile, sense. Relate that to the keeping of a dream journal. When you wake up in the morning, with the remnant of a dream still lingering - write it down, and literally just drop it. The emotions related to the interpretation of the dream will subside as you go on about your day. Then, later in the evening when they day is done’ so to speak, go back in a good mood, with the perspective of ‘now I’ll go read that juicy nugget unconditonal love sent’, and read what you wrote down as if it were God ‘itself’ saying - “here is precisely what you do not need to be carrying, what you do not need to worry about”. Now there is no not make this about ‘the path’, awakening, enlightenment, etc. If you notice you did / are, then you have or are conceptualizing it. That is the one thing we don’t want to transpire. Feeling can not be thought, in spite of pretty much everyone pretending it can. Make this tangible, about things in your life that feel good to you, and that are relieving & relaxing. Anything from choosing a perspective which resonates, to checking yourself into a spa / retreat center. Maybe this is possible for you where you’re at in life now, maybe not quite possible now, but I hope & think you get the bigger point I’m trying to make. If all of this was to be washed away in the activities of days, and a single key point were to be derived and remembered, it would be that the breath is in a sense the compass. Thinking / thought is ‘outward’, Source is inward. Breathing truly is the ‘breathe of life’, and is one of the last illusions to go. Breathing = feeling, so we always, always, always ‘return to the breath’ for ‘connection’ or experiential ‘grounding’.

I had experiences with psilocibes but never a real ego death until the 5 meo, when I experienced the void. I think you if keep the ego and the ego is like the opposite to the void and the no time, that's why the desperation. Probably for me was the same more or less, but I don't remember any thoughts there, only nothingness and at the end desperation. Sure Leo is right, and also many other people say that the void and the nothingness is the conciousness. I'm afraid that we need some more visits to the void ....maybe you should try 5 meo for that

@Demeter i know, was the same, devastating ,alone in the void. but the question is that when you experienced the void wasn't ego there....so what was? Only your awareness? Maybe it was the only awareness that exist. The other possibility is that we keep some ego there and the ego facing the nothingness got desperate. I think there was no thought, but who knows...still scratching the surface

Leo kind of explains what you're going through in his video "How To Do Self-Inquiry" around minute 35. But he dosen't explain the "how to" integrate Nothingness again after awakaning.

@Javfly33 What was wrong about smoking / vaping? I tried plugging first l, despite high dose It was short and weak. Vaping was super fast acting, it kicked me directly into nothingness. I didn't have time to be scared. I won't lie, it was an eternal nightmare Maybe it was a mistake that I had my eyes closed all the time. I like that vaping requires less preparation than plugging. Long process only make me more anxious.