Alex bAlex

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About Alex bAlex

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  1. Thank you for being a hardass - it's much needed. Also, many thanks for bringing light into my life and helping to understand and build myself up.
  2. @Rafael Thundercat It seems that the mushrooms are a tricky plant for me. I don't get it why sometimes doesn't work - does the psilocybin gets dried out and distorted? Or maybe I have to grown my own. I know Terrace McKenna was a strong advocate for growing your own as there's a relationship developing with the plants. Anyway it was a very bad preparation from the organisers to not have tested the plants before. But, as you said - I have to face my demos and go SOLO ?
  3. Ceremony time! So back in September, after the festival, me and bee signed up for a plant medicine ceremony/ retreat. I was very excited. It was supposed to take place at the end of October but I had been split from Bee so I let her take the first shot, and I would go later at the end of November. Then the shaman got sick and the retreat was postponed another month. But finally, I got it. I went to the retreat this weekend. Preparation: starting 1 month prior: -dieta friendly food, no processed food, plant-based, as clean as possible (soup and porridge with honey and berries for the last week) -no coffee, alcohol, drugs, supplements, stimulants etc. -no sexual contact, arousal, etc -at this point, I am doing kriya yoga, exercising 3/4 x/week / 5 miles and taking cold plunges for 3-6 minutes for the past 41 days -journaling and setting intentions since the new year; -water fasting for 96 hours prior to plant medicine ingestion. -intentions, smile and feel great! Ok, so I drive 4:45hrs(Friday afternoon traffic) up to the countryside to a place that, mmm wasn't really into the woods as I expected. There were neighbours on each side of the cottage. Nevermind. I am there earlier and as I already noticed with the hippies, they are all in the air, nothing is ready, one is still doing the food shopping and the other is welcoming me in a freezing house, showing me my sleeping room. *I have to pass through the host bedroom to get to mine, and it's freezing but nevermind, they just got here and the heating seems to be on, probably will heat up the place till I will go to sleep * And then I wait in the lounge till everyone arrived -3 women and another guy. I get a sense that my feet smell like crap, but how can it be, I showed when I left and I drove barefoot so it cannot be me - the whole fucking lounge smelled like shit, animal stink (cat probably), that made me fell that I want to get out of there quickly. So it's Friday night, and tonight we have a breathwork ceremony in a nice adjacent, recently build shed/cottage. It's cosy but heated up with electrical heaters (the one that as soon as you turn them off it gets cold) because they don't have enough wood, as they want to preserve wood for the medicine ceremony - wtf? *The girls and the guy are supposed to sleep in here, as I was the only one to pay for a separate room. In the end, the guy chooses to sleep in the lounge in the main house leaving the girls alone.* Nevermind, at least is warm here. So we do an official opening of the circle, introduce ourselves, and then we are doing the breath work - in and out through the nose - At this point, I am on 72 hours of fasting and I feel great, with no cravings or food desires, and buzzing with energy. During the breathwork, I feel lots of energy fields passing through me and releasing a lot of them although I felt that it finished too soon and there was still unreleased energy in my arms, wrists and hands. Awesome, so far so good. They have some food, I sat with them and just meditate while they had food then I went to sleep. I get into my room and the room is fucking freezing. I asked the other participant if there was a way to start the heater but he had no clue. * I forgot to mention that this is not the organisers' house - it's a house of a friend who does some yoga retreats and she travels a lot, and while travelling the organisers are looking after the house*. The organiser is not in the house and knowing that is not their house I don't get in trouble of turning up the heat - maybe they will turn it up when they come back into the house. So I go and set myself asleep in the house in a sleeping bag covered up by a duvet. Sleeping in a sleeping bag !!! Indoors!!!! Wtf? Why not sleep in a tent then? What's the difference? Anyway, I slept somehow well, and fuck it, I am here for the medicine not for hotel conditions. I can pass this one. The next morning I woke up and did some kriya and meditate for about 40 minutes. Then I got stuck inside the room as I had to pass through the master bedroom to get out for a wee or shower and the organisers kept snoozing their alarms for another 30-40 minutes. Then they had breakfast and we went for an hour or so of walking and talking with the guy who participate in the ceremony about some alien channelling stuff (great, lots of delusional talks and I could see that the guy is just avoiding facing himself- he was most of the time agitated and nit-picking stuff). We are back and supposed to have a heated sauna ready for us - supposed - it takes 3-4 hours of burning wood for that cabin to heat up and as it goes with the hippies, they are never ready. This starts to clash with the last meal before the ceremony as they want to eat nothing 3 hrs prior to ingestion of sacred medicine. Being my third time when I fast and the longest one, I was very very surprised that I don't feel hungry and that I have a clear mind and energy - (there was a scale in the bathroom and Friday I had 55kg, Saturday 56kg -ha ). Anyway, they eat, I meditate, had 2+ hours of sauna and lots of buckets of cold water and cold showers, and then we get ready for the medicine. It is supposed to start at 5, however, after long waiting in the cold lounge, the space is cleared and ready at 7. The shaman is doing his thing, measuring the medicine in cups and blowing smoke over them, chanting something, smoking some more, chanting some more then we have been told that this is a different strain than the one is supposed to be - whatever as long as it takes me to infinity, doesn't matter. And then we have been given a bit of talk and told " those are 5 grams of medicine and this is not what you might take with your friends 2 grams watching tv - it is very powerful in 20-25 minutes buff you're out of space, we recommend eating them all but if you feel like you don't want to, you don't have to, blah blah blah. THEN at some point, you will be taken here on this seat in front of me and I WILL say a prayer for you " Bear in mind that I am the only one here who had 5 grams before, and only one woman had a bit of medicine a long time ago, so pretty much all those are newbies. More chanting, praying and giving thanks then we start eating them. The other guy (channelling guy) already start to ask silly questions and is clear that is so caught up in his mind, then he is agitated even before eating them, then had a weird request to turn the sound speakers to one side to not get disturbed by the LED lights that show on the front panel. I was already thinking that this will be a fuck hell of a ride if the guy keeps up like this. Ok, got all the plants in one go, they taste very sweet (possibly sprayed with sugar to be more edible) and crunchy but it didn't look to me that there are 5 grams. Anyway, I pull my eye mask and then I lay back on my yoga mat, covered with a blanket and a bolster at my head. And then we wait. As I had fasted I was expected to take off in 10 minutes, but I am calm, shaman is chanting and singing beautiful songs with his partner, blowing smoke over us, more drumming and a moment of silence. And I am waiting, and waiting and waiting ... Some people get a bit of headache or noise sensible, but all I get is a yawn... THAT'S IT - I am yawning, that's the first sign that the plants are now in the system, the next sign is that you want to go to have a wee, but I am not - my body doesn't eliminate so much water since fasting. That's okay. Some people ask to be taken out for a wee or air, but I am ready to take the express to infinity. I am sitting back and waiting and waiting (my backbones are hurting and I have to roll over from time to time) and it struck me - it doesn't work the medicine doesn't have any effect. When you have 5 grams of plants you cry for mommy rolling all over the floor but all I got was a very little tunnel vision (maybe 1 or 2 minutes ) and some short-lasting kaleidoscopic effects when I press my palms against my eyes. And obviously, no one is tripping over there as everyone is calm and silent. At this point the organiser has a word with each other, sensing that something is wrong. It must be 60-90 minutes at this point and there are no effects besides a bit more yawning. Everyone is calm as there's more chanting. We have been told to be mindful of very loud releasing sounds and to scream into the pillow if that is the case, as there is a neighbour that keeps looking over the fence and he is curious about wtf is going on there; however, seeing that the medicine doesn't work, the shaman starts beating his drum and screaming songs from the top of his lungs past 10 pm that I created anxiety among us, thinking about that neighbour. WTF again! And at some point more chanting, some personal prayer said at my head by his partner (wonderful work if you are tripping balls), and then the ceremony is brought to an end past midnight. NO ONE WAS BROUGHT UP ON THAT CHAIR FOR THE SHAMAN TO SAY HIS PRAYER! I got up and I could not believe it - SUCH A FLOP - SUCH A FUCKING FLOP- -- I was so disappointed and angry and frustrated that I couldn't even cry or release any emotion. Everyone got up slowly and there was a feeling of disappointment in the air. Nobody wants to talk. The agitated guy asked the organisers how was the ceremony for them and they jumped up and said: "there was a dark energy coming from the neighbour but we worked hard and fought it back." And kept saying this story for 10 minutes till some women said " but we need not hear this, why are you telling us all this, we don't need to hear it. "Another woman asked why the medicine was changed at the last minute and apparently it wasn't changed at the last minute but they mentioned nothing all weekend about this. I was desolated, I didn't know what I could have done wrong. Why the medicine didn't work? This happened to me in the past when I took 6 and 7 grams and after 20 minutes I was wide awake, with no effects, but I was blaming myself for not respecting the protocol, maybe I took some vitamins or pills that cut down the effects, maybe I wasn't in a good place as set and setting, maybe it was the nutrition .... BUT NOW ... now when I gave it all I could have fucking giving it, now .... it was so much pain, that I got disgusted about all the metaphysical and mystical aspect of life! Or maybe I am not ready! Maybe it's not my time to wake up, maybe I have to sort out my root chakra before opening up my throat chakra. However, it's obvious that it didn't work for the other participants. I just rolled my yoga mat, pick up my journal and water bottle, left the space saying nothing and went straight into the house, packed my bag and drove straight home. I wasn't going to spend another night sleeping in a bed with a sleeping bag! They were reluctant to let me drive as I was under the influence - influence of what? farts? - "But you have agreed to stay here for the ceremony " - " yes, and the ceremony is over, it came to an end ". I want to go! The agitated guy try to convince me to stay as the circle is not completed without me :)) I drove home all safe in 3:30 hours of clear traffic and never lost focus or had a moment of drifting out of the mind. As I got home I hit the bed and had the deepest rest that I had in a long time. So there it is folks £488 retreat + £22/room/ night. How many plants could I grow for myself with this amount of $$$ and take an Airbnb in the woods and heal myself?
  4. Your score from primary psychopathy has been calculated as 2.9. Primary psychopathy is the affective aspects of psychopathy; a lack of empathy for other people and tolerance for antisocial orientations. Your score from secondary psychopathy has been calculated as 2. Secondary psychopathy is the antisocial aspects of psychopathy; rule breaking and a lack of effort towards socially rewarded behavior. ??
  5. Wake-up whenever 500ml of water with supplement Brush teeth Try not to check out the phone (easier if it's between 12am and 8 am) Meditation 1 hour *Sometimes read* Gym/ run while listening to podcasts/audiobooks Shower Breakfast usually poridge with fruits but McDonald's when I am at low tide Usually it takes me around 4 hours to go through all this every day.
  6. I'm back on track! Thank you all for your advice. It was foolish for me to give up but now I'm back. I just have to remind and prioritize this practice every day. Had a profound session where I got inspired and I saw that it's not the end of the world because of the situation that I am in. Indeed I'm at cross roads and in a dark place in my life but I have hope that everything will sort itself out. Thanks again for your help. ?
  7. Thank you for your reply guys. So far meditation was my daily priority and always remind myself that no matter how hard it is I have to do it- no excuses. Nahm post on hard years of continuous meditation was an inspiration and empowered me, may times when I wanted to quit. (Thank you) But recently I started to work a second job and slowly I was postponing the meditation till the last hour of the day. Now I feel unmotivated, without a purpose just waiting to die. I even called sick at work just because I got no juice of getting out of bed and go to make money and improve myself. I fucked it up with my life. In my case is a matter of surviving. I haven't got that base need sorted in 32 years of life. There's no joy in wage slavery and probably no enlightenment too. When you're poor and fucked up you're just that and no amount of meditation will gide you out of it. I've got nothing to looking forward to, only years of more slavery ahead of me. At the end of the day probably this was my shallow trick to avoid hard work on stage orange. Just meditate and everything will sort out itself-NO it doesn't,! Many times I was wondering why do I meditate? And I couldn't come up with and answer. In this case isn't this just a dogma? Doing something just because someone else told you but you cannot justify yourself? And I have moments of when I become aware of being aware and wonder "who is that that is aware of awareness?" That means that must be something/someone - a separation / as opposed of becoming one or experience the oneness. Probably I just have to have a break, to experience the life without meditation for a while, to see what I am missing and then reinforced my belief and start meditating again. I'm sorry for my sad post.
  8. I managed to mediate an hour daily for two years and two months. Unfortunately last week I felt that it gets me nowhere. I wasn't meditating anymore, I was just sitting in a cross legged position. It lost its meaning. I was pushing myself to mediate not so much out of pleasure or to become more conscious, but only to tick a box in an app to say I meditate constantly for X days. My diet went to shambles bit by bit in the past year and now I don't really give a fuck anymore. I consider Coke to be a poisoned water, now I have one every day. I haven't hit the gym in a week, just a quick run tonight. Everything is falling apart. And then I am wondering - is this the results of meditation. Is this what I supposed to achieve? How come I loose clarity of mind and power of decision making. "Well meditation is only supposed to make you aware" - well, yes - I'm fucking aware fucking myself up. Now what? Keep digging? What use is awareness without will power? I know Leo said that awareness alone is curative - in this case I might not be so aware then. Anyways - what am I doing now? Should I go back to mediate one hour a day like a mindless blob going nowhere or take a break and put that hour into learning some more practical stuff for a while?
  9. Anxious / Preoccupied The anxious/preoccupied attachment style (referred to as ambivalent in children) is created in the first 18 months of life, in a dyad with the primary caregiver, usually the mother or the father. The roots of this attachment style are based in perceived neglect: the parents did not necessarily neglect the child actively, but the child perceived that his or her needs were not met. Growing up, people with this attachment style start to neglect their own needs and to put the needs of others first. They expect that, if they are nice and caring to someone, he or she will like them and take care of them in return. This turns into preoccupation with the needs of others and leads to lack of self-definition and sense of self. Score Mother/CG1: Anxiety: 4.33 | Avoidance: 6.17 Score Father/CG2: Anxiety: 4.00 | Avoidance: 4.67 Score Partner: Anxiety: 3.67 | Avoidance: 2.67
  10. Don't know if this is the best explanation but is see it like this: - you create your own reality; -your reality is based on your system of beliefs; -what you tell yourself day by day becomes a belief; -repeating positive things about yourself, creating and reinforcing new beliefs; -in the beginning, is more like fake it till you make it, later on, it's - YOU! Hope it helps!
  11. Poridge with milled chia seeds and brown seeds plus frozen or fresh fruit of your choice. Add avocado and a pot of tea? Replace chia seeds with walnuts if that's more handy in the area that your are living although one bag of 1kg from Amazon should last for 6 months or so.
  12. @Intraplanetary I feel similarly about this subject. I also tend to be judging others and dismiss them very quickly if they have poor habits/addiction. And I think I run in a small paradox here because if I want to find people of the same caliber as me and with the same interests, then we'll not socialize so much because we could spend that time learning, taking courses, introspect or just enjoying the lone wolf life. I guess that's why it's a bit difficult to meet high quality people, because those understand that time is limited and choose to spend it wisely. When you start to befriend anyone and everyone, you'll start to loose the interest of the others because you become an easy to reach individual whom anyone can approach. You have to define some boundaries and become a challenge for the others to reach you. Doesn't mean that you become so cocky that you won't talk to anyone. Be humble but don't exchange contacts and hugs with all the club/bar/venue. ✌?
  13. I become more aware of judging and I see that it's just a projection of something that I haven't worked on within myself. However the level (amount) of judgment droped a lot in the past three years. When I hear other people judging their environment or other people, I'm like " uhmm some is projecting here" , and I feel at peace being aware of it - because I figured it out. Oh wait, everyone else figure it out as well ?(in their point of view) ✌?