Alex bAlex

A bit of tidilation for the audiophiles around here

Not posting or hanging out around here much.... I'm growing, I have work to do, but now and then I find myself in a waiting room, checking this form and then I see titles like "Andrew Tate's powerful video" and I'm like... Yeah not much to go around here. Plus seeing people hooked on Leo posting something like flies to shit... Wtf dudes there's looooot of work to be done and integrated, and you care about Andrew Tate... *Sigh*

Not only that I am a weirdo but I start to get concerned... I'm so disconnected from society.... It's all so false. Last night I had a work meal and a drink and it was so cringe and I was so out of the place and mute that I couldn't believe myself. Now it's getting harder and harder to break back in society - it's so... Stupid and unconscious....

If there's no morality what's driving my moral compass? Why do I take pleasure from making people happy rather than sad? Is is fear of some further repercussions (karma, further reincarnation blah blah) or self image or... Hmmm.... I have to ponder on this...

I was looking for a blasting April with 3 nights in London clubbing - Digweed, oh daddy Digweed, Saalbach and Innellea. However something shifted within me this month. I cannot touch it but I feel I have grown a lot - I mean I feel much better about my life although I had £0.43 in my account yesterday before I got my wages. So why I feel so good? Goals, I got some beautiful goals that are achievable and I have a deadline. That's being said, although I will loose the ticket value for those nights, I can't wait to learn and practice and become valuable. (As Leo said in the What is happiness episode- not looking for a shot of dopamine but to create that river of serotonin) I can't say that at the moment I am 100% aligned with my life purpose but I feel I am on track to it. Linux sparked me up, Cisco is a mess but Pentesting - woo woo woo, can't wait to build my machine and deploy it. Damn I feel so excited. I would never believed that I can trade dance and music for something so geeky but hell, if I master even a little bit of Pentesting and then move to CySa+ , -> freedom, oh sweet freedom, I can feel its scent.... then I can go with Digweed on tour around the world I feel unstoppable🚀 Thank you ❤️ Deep Base Louder Space

Bliss, pure bliss

Thank you for being a hardass - it's much needed. Also, many thanks for bringing light into my life and helping to understand and build myself up.

Hmmm.... you.... you... you keep twisting my mind and heart. I don't know what to make of you. Repeating numbers are showing up again. part of me wants to run, the other wants to find you and grow up with you. So this is my test? All that's going on is a test - duh! Testing for what? Desire - can you see how you always want the other thing, the next shiny object, but you never put the effort to consolidate yourself? You're just jumping from place to place, from person to person, establishing some meek and weak connections without depth. -NO this is the neediness in me talking and dreaming of support. There's no one there, it's just me, I have to grow and stabilise myself. Right now I will easily fall into the co-dependency fallacy. Remember the steps: Co-dependent, Independent, INTER- Dependant. I'm already independent (besides needing a paycheck) to some degree and working to get to the interdependent state. I have to become valuable not suck values from others! You're doing well Alex - keep your eyes on the target, and don't fall off the track (AGAIN!) - it's her job to tease, and it's your job to grow up!

I have mentioned a couple of posts ago that what kept me out of depression and not having suicidal thoughts in the past 6 months or so (giving all the ups and downs) is due to cold immersions. Although I feel that helped a lot, having a goal and having a vision and knowing where I want to go it's the main catalyst of keeping my spirits high. Should this happened one or two years previously, it would have been a different story. Hope is dope 😉

Well this week was promising, waking up fresh but I changed the routine mostly of necessity. The landlord is still working around the house disrupting our peace but I am sticking with meditation, however dropped exercising - because of Fasting. I set my goal to water fast for 7 days, unfortunately I stopped 3 hours before reaching the fourth day. Something wasn't right. I was fighting too hard and energy levels were too low for 4 days. I was also planning to trip solo with the eye mask on, but since Friday my throat is killing me especially when I was sleeping, so that has to be postponed as well. However I am progressing well with my Linux course and practice, finished The Celestine Prophecy (book & movie - thanks Bee) and quick text with my parents. Overall I am making a slowly comeback, getting settled in my job, which if I take the advantage I can use it as a ramp to accelerate my growth 2-3 times faster. Peace ☮️

Why am I getting into this spiral again? Why do I say things that later on I might regret or feel that I make others suffer? What is the trick here? What is OTHER? If all I know is that I AM why should I give a toss about others' feelings? Do they have feelings? If not, why do I feel guilty and remorse? Someone is playing tricks here... -> ->I have to buy myself a mirror ...<- (literally :P) It seems that I cannot find that line between telling the truth and regurgitating my thoughts. But isn't that telling the truth? I'm so fucking confused here. Why are you confused Alex? It might be because Truth is beyond your little petty game of telling people how you feel. Yes, that's important too, but you can see that even when you drop all your curtains, you're still unfulfilled, unwhole, desiring something out there. You are just touching - not even scratching- the surface of discovering what TRUTH is. But don't get discouraged, keep going, you're doing well, just don't expect miracles if you are not doing serious work here.

Yes, I see it! I didn't like to be told what I'm missing and backlashed at you .... sneaky devilish ego again.... duh,... It didn't take too long :)) I'm projecting - A LOT!

I'm a zen devil. It's inevitable - because when you get an insight you want to share it with someone and make the other see what you see. But it boil down to awareness again. Are you aware that you don't know anything but only got a drop of water on your tongue and now claiming you are a fountain? Don't take anything what I say here at face value - the next moment my believes will change and I'll become ashamed of being such a fool. Also I burnt my neck - I let your imagination bloom 😜

Everything boils down to awareness. Without awareness, you can puke as many words and beautiful quotes as you like, but it will be in vain! It will be just mental masturbation! You have to be aware and BECOME whatever you preach