Giving up on meditation. Should I go back?

[Alex bAlex]

I managed to mediate an hour daily for two years and two months. Unfortunately last week I felt that it gets me nowhere. I wasn't meditating anymore, I was just sitting in a cross legged position. 

It lost its meaning. I was pushing myself to mediate not so much out of pleasure or to become more conscious, but only to tick a box in an app to say I meditate constantly for X days. 

My diet went to shambles bit by bit in the past year and now I don't really give a fuck anymore. I consider Coke to be a poisoned water, now I have one every day.  

I haven't hit the gym in a week, just a quick run tonight. 

 

Everything is falling apart. 

 

And then I am wondering - is this the results of meditation. Is this what I supposed to achieve? How come I loose clarity of mind and power of decision making. 

"Well meditation is only supposed to make you aware" - well, yes - I'm fucking aware fucking myself up. Now what? Keep digging? 

What use is awareness without will power? 

I know Leo said that awareness alone is curative - in this case I might not be so aware then. 

 

 

Anyways - what am I doing now? Should I go back to mediate one hour a day like a mindless blob going nowhere or take a break and put that hour into learning some more practical stuff for a while? 

Edited February 21, 2022 by Alex bAlex

[Terell Kirby]

10 minutes ago, Alex bAlex said:

It lost its meaning.

The mistake is trying to find meaning in the meditation. It is ideal to not expect anything from your practice, this will give you higher returns and make you more present to what arises.

12 minutes ago, Alex bAlex said:

Everything is falling apart. 

Embrace the falling apart with a smile. The key is not to judge yourself or your circumstances .. your ego finds it hard not to do this.

Take a break if you need to, and only return when you are ready. You must not beat yourself up though

[Ulax]

Perhaps try this: 

I think its often beneficial to just get fundamental breathing techniques/ stress reduction things in place before doing meditation. You can get the relaxation you want in like 2 minutes using breathing techniques.

[Nahm]

@Alex bAlex

Give this a quick read. Some sticklers of dots will likely connect. If you have any questions feel free. 

https://www.actualityofbeing.com/the-ten-ox-herding-pictures

[Tim R]

One of the "more advanced" stages of meditation in Zen is called "Shikantaza" and it means "just sitting". It takes a very advanced practitioner indeed to "be able" to do Shikantaza. Because they mostly think that meditation is good for something.

7 hours ago, Alex bAlex said:

I managed to mediate an hour daily for two years and two months. Unfortunately last week I felt that it gets me nowhere. I wasn't meditating anymore, I was just sitting in a cross legged position. 

That might've been that first time in two years that you've truly meditated. Meditation isn't supposed to get you anywhere.

The reason you feel hurt and frustrated is because you thought is was supposed to get you somewhere, and now it has been revealed to you that in fact, it doesn't.

You are now at a cross road ; either you embrace your newly found understanding of what meditation is and keep on developing it or you may go back to a life of addiction to meaning and conditionality. Which is perfectly fine if that's what you want.

But know, that this too is just a stage of development. The reason you're frustrated about the meaninglessness of meditation is because you haven't yet completely understood how meaningless it really is. There's still lingering attachment to meaning which is now starting to dissolve, hence the frustration. But once you totally realized the meaninglessness of it all... there's no frustration left.

Beyond this mix of boredome, frustration and impatience, there is contentment.

Conetentment and finally being able to Just. Sit.

And listen to the birds.

[Vincent S]

 

[SamC]

8 hours ago, Alex bAlex said:

I managed to mediate an hour daily for two years and two months. Unfortunately last week I felt that it gets me nowhere. I wasn't meditating anymore, I was just sitting in a cross legged position. 

It lost its meaning. I was pushing myself to mediate not so much out of pleasure or to become more conscious, but only to tick a box in an app to say I meditate constantly for X days. 

My diet went to shambles bit by bit in the past year and now I don't really give a fuck anymore. I consider Coke to be a poisoned water, now I have one every day.  

I haven't hit the gym in a week, just a quick run tonight. 

 

Everything is falling apart. 

 

And then I am wondering - is this the results of meditation. Is this what I supposed to achieve? How come I loose clarity of mind and power of decision making. 

"Well meditation is only supposed to make you aware" - well, yes - I'm fucking aware fucking myself up. Now what? Keep digging? 

What use is awareness without will power? 

I know Leo said that awareness alone is curative - in this case I might not be so aware then. 

 

 

Anyways - what am I doing now? Should I go back to mediate one hour a day like a mindless blob going nowhere or take a break and put that hour into learning some more practical stuff for a while? 

Sounds like you became conciousness of how you approach meditation which triggerd an ego backlash. Your meditation literally made you more concious about this.. thats a win.

Its fine man, whatever you do.  There is Nothing wrong to not meditate or meditate. Take some time off and try to be aware of how you feel when you don't meditate

[Snader]

You could try starting from your diet, contemplating about it, why you've given in. Because it's obvious that your meditation might not be so ''clear'' when you put garbage in your body. Although your diet and your meditation habit for example might go hand in hand, whereas it would be wise to contemplate whether there is an external (or internal) change or turbulence in your life, that is causing the backlash.

You're probably not quite sure about your motives around motivation and what the practice really means to you. That process of slipping off and getting back again and again and again will enhance your relationship with it and make it clearer to you what place it has in your life. That way the causes behind changes in life circumstances and habits for example - such as meditation - become clearer and easier to understand.

In a way your situation is a good thing, because it clearly tells you something. You just have to observe it, listen to it, understand it, embrace it.

[Alex bAlex]

Thank you for your reply guys. 

So far meditation was my daily priority and always remind myself that no matter how hard it is I have to do it- no excuses. Nahm post on hard years of continuous meditation was an inspiration and empowered me, may times when I wanted to quit. (Thank you)

But recently I started to work a second job and slowly I was postponing the meditation till the last hour of the day. 

Now I feel unmotivated, without a purpose just waiting to die. I even called sick at work just because I got no juice of getting out of bed and go to make money and improve myself. I fucked it up with my life. 

In my case is a matter of surviving. I haven't got that base need sorted in 32 years of life. There's no joy in wage slavery and probably no enlightenment too. When you're poor and fucked up you're just that and no amount of meditation will gide you out of it. I've got nothing to looking forward to, only years of more slavery ahead of me. 

At the end of the day probably this was my shallow trick to avoid hard work on stage orange. Just meditate and everything will sort out itself-NO it doesn't,!

Many times I was wondering why do I meditate? And I couldn't come up with and answer. In this case isn't this just a dogma? Doing something just because someone else told you but you cannot justify yourself? 

 

 

And I have moments of when I become aware of being aware and wonder "who is that that is aware of awareness?" That means that must be something/someone - a separation / as opposed of becoming one or experience the oneness.

 

 

 

 

 

Probably I just have to have a break, to experience the life without meditation for a while, to see what I am missing and then reinforced my belief and start meditating again. 

 

 

I'm sorry for my sad post. 

[peanutspathtotruth]

16 minutes ago, Alex bAlex said:

I'm sorry for my sad post. 

Don't be. There's nothing to feel guilty about or judge yourself for. You're exactly where you are and you're expressing your frustration, that's good - you're honest in this regard.

Are you seeing how meaningless the world as you perceive it is? Just getting up to survive, being defined by how much money you have etc.? To see how painful and meaningless it would be if that was actually true is good. This recognition doesn't mean you need to kick your ass even more. On the contrary - can you see how ridiculous it would be if this magical existence that you are would be so pale and dark? It's a sign for you that shows you that you can now choose to see things as they really are. The question is: Do you want to? Do you want to see what things really are? You will be surprised how far the truth is from how you're interpreting the world right now. It's not even close. I don't need to tell you, and you also don't need any words of someone else - you gotta find out for yourself. Touch that willingness deep inside you that wants to be free from all this wrong perceiving, that wants to shine as what truly is - as YOU!

If you look deep into your heart, you know you want love. You know you want truth. And there is nothing but that. Be curious. Ask yourself what is real. See if you can choose to love everything that you encounter in experience from now on. And from this love comes a natural curiosity that asks: What are you, really? You, pain; you, frustration; you, thought; you, fear. What are you? And how can I love you more deeply? Find that curiosity, that love for what is, and dive into your here-and-now reality. Don't think, don't fantasize, just look, just observe. Ask with your whole being what is real - and when that means that you need to face pain, then face it. Let it teach you. And then drop all of it. Just be with what is. 

This is meditation.

[r0ckyreed]

17 hours ago, Alex bAlex said:

Anyways - what am I doing now? Should I go back to mediate one hour a day like a mindless blob going nowhere or take a break and put that hour into learning some more practical stuff for a while? 

I have had similar thoughts as well.  I have had the objections of "why meditate when I can contemplate" or whatever blank you want to fill in.

I have taken a break from meditation, but recently, I felt called to do it, and it amazed me how it made me feel just to sit in silence and become reality.  I recommend you read the book The Mind Illuminated .  It is a great book and guide to meditation.  True meditation has nothing to do with achievement. 

I think it is more about the attitude you bring to your meditations.  The first problem is treating meditation like a chore.  Meditation needs to be seen in a different light; otherwise, you will be always at a battle with yourself.  

I personally meditate not as a "goal" for enlightenment, but I meditate to develop my mind and happiness.  Meditation helps me to be in alignment with actuality and helps me to prepare for and deal with suffering.  

I have ultimately realized that meditation and contemplation are not as different than I have once thought.

Contemplation (thinking and inquiring about reality) has become most natural to me, but meditation challenges me to be more disciplined and find and cultivate inner-happiness as opposed to external-happiness.  Real meditation is being with reality for no purpose or reason.  Meditation is like dancing. There is no reason for dancing other than pure enjoyment and self-expression.  Contemplation to me is about investigating reality to find out what is true, typically through thinking.

But ultimately, this is your decision on what you think is best relative to what you want in your life.  I have found that meditation has made me much calmer and relaxed, and I use meditation more for psychological growth.  The key is to enjoy whatever you are doing.  If you do not enjoy your meditation practice, then stop doing it or find ways to make it more enjoyable.  Do things that elevate your consciousness and not lower it.  Sometimes what we think elevates us can be the thing that lowers us.  But in my experience, what has elevated me or lowered me had more to do with my mindset than a specific activity per se.

Good luck.

Edited February 21, 2022 by r0ckyreed

[SgtPepper]

honestly, it sounds like something is happening in your life. It's not simple as its lost its meaning, something that you can point to has possibly led to this. 

[Snader]

@Alex bAlex To me it sounds like you take your spiritual life and ''ordinary'' life as two completely separate things, and maybe you feel you can't have them both at the same time. 

If you live with your spirit, today's world most likely forces you to also involve some Stage Orange stuff matters into in. I think it's also a part of development of some sort, because that happened to me and ultimately it changed my life big time.

When I got into personal development and some spirituality, I really wanted to leave all the toxic Orange shit behind and hold onto my new ''more spiritual'' identity. FORTUNATELY I couldn't afford a hippie bus to start living life in a free world as a free soul, so I had to focus on working and making money. After some suffering and trial and error I learned to live more of a hybrid life, to forget identities and focus finding out what works, enriching both sides with each other. I slowly started moving towards the middle ground, and I still do constant adjustment with that. Since then life's been so much better with so many possibilities open.

My point is that I think there is a phase of integration that life forces on some people on a certain path, and you might be in the middle of that process.

There is plenty of beautiful things for you in life and they will reveal themselves when the time is right.

[Alex bAlex]

I'm back on track! 

 

Thank you all for your advice. It was foolish for me to give up but now I'm back. I just have to remind and prioritize this practice every day. 

Had a profound session where I got inspired and I saw that it's not the end of the world because of the situation that I am in. 

Indeed I'm at cross roads and in a dark place in my life but I have hope that everything will sort itself out. 

 

Thanks again for your help.

 

?

Edited February 22, 2022 by Alex bAlex