Judy2

i feel bored, but i can't do anything productive or meaningful because i'm not safe. not with dad in the house. i can't stay here.

challenged myself to go out with a friend and her family to a local café/bar where we could play some board games. it was fun and we had a good time. toward the end, they asked what i'm gonna do next (career-wise) and where i'm gonna go. i feel a little stressed out now, but am also considering that i am safe, i'm alive now, nothing's wrong, i have all the time in the world to figure out what's next and none of it can hurt me, because i'm always already here and i'll be okay....something like that. it's hard to see it, but i try to believe it. trust. ...lean back. relax. trust in God, in Life, in the Universe and that things will work out for me. see that i'm safe to embrace whatever is going on for me, and able to open up to the perspective of how divine it all is, even the pain and the drama. i'm lucky to be alive, lucky to feel. i want to feel all my messy "situations", feel them through entirely, (i'm scared, i'm hurting)....and....idk, feel the mess and see how Good it is that it exists? and i wouldn't want it to be any other way, i wouldn't want it to be easier. (i'm scared, i'm hurting.)

@Joseph Maynor i've completed the values section in the course and watched all the videos in this section, but struggle to implement it. maybe because i don't trust myself or sth. @Bjorn K Holmstrom sounds quite reasonable:)

@Joseph Maynor thanks for sharing:) most of the words i used are on Leo's master list, too, but i'm using a lot of them in combination....not sure if that's okay.

sounds good🙏🏻

in my opinion, it can be a massive mistake to think you have to love an ex lover so much that they can "force" you to "stay friends" even if it's painful to you. your emotions and your side of things are worth considering, too. that's also love.

@Joseph Maynor i'll give you the latest version: Love (maybe too vague?) Consciousness, Presence, Self-Awareness Emotional awareness and regulation (don't know if that counts) Wisdom and Truth (really crowded with subcategories, as this includes balance and clarity ~ wisdom, and honesty/loyalty>>>truth (bc truth is the broader notion for me and more flexible),...and wisdom also includes education, learning, intelligence......so pbly too crowded) Trust (big one that seems to resonate a lot...at least it did a few weeks ago) Loving connection and intimacy (not sure if that's the same for me as love in the abstract) Holistic health (vitality, fintess, energy) Respect, kindness, empathy Beauty and harmony Creativity / Gratitude are competing for the final spot on the list atm.

i feel so stupid for struggling around family. i don't understand why i am like this around them, and a completely different person around friends and everybody else. my relationship with food is almost okay when i'm on my own, but with family i can't even share a holiday meal. (i'd much rather excuse myself and eat alone in my room.) my logic with this is that if they anger, upset, or disturb me regularly even without food at the table, i'm definitely not gonna be working, eating, or thinking and feeling through personal, private, emotional stuff in their presence. i can tell they judge me a lot for the way i am around them. they never stop to ask why i developped like this, why i became this way...why i'm already angry in anticipation of some sort of hurt occurring in any given interaction.

you don't.

it depends on the individual therapist/counsellor and their own development. there are really good ones out there, and others who lack competency and professionalism. to label them all as enemies lacks nuance and this can be harmful to you, too, because it prevents you from getting help if you need it. if you are being disciminated against and not taken seriously, you can communicate this to the mental health professional and see how they respond. if they respond badly, i hope there's some way for you to look for an alternative. also, if something bad or inappropriate happened, you can describe the situation here if you'd like and we can try to give more specific advice.

🙏🏻😇

@Vali2003 yeah, true. thank you:)

i find it so triggering that my family is constantly buzzing around and running errands in the house, making noise. this makes it impossible for me to rest or feel safe. there's constant potential for something threatening to arise.

staying with family again and i just can't bring myself to eat enough around them. which is stupid, because i'd like to take good care of my body and have the energy to accomplish things. makes me wonder how i could grow up in this household and morph into a being that's still so deeply maladapted to their ways....constantly on edge around them, angry on principle, never at ease. in never-ending anticipation of conflict, fights, disagreements, disharmony. i wonder how this came about, and why i didn't develop into someone who would internalise her discomfort more or could pretend to be fine more than i do. could delude herself into feeling fine, even. maybe things would feel easier around here if i was more repressed.

next day (i.e. today) the landlord forgot about us and was an hour late. then i spent seven hours on the train, with one huge suitcase and three hyperdimensional heavy bags. exhausted and very overstimulated when i got home, and it's difficult to eat. my brother had already eaten the safe food (low fat greek yoghurt) i'd told mum to buy. i had a huge meltdown (number three or four since friday) when i got into my room because of the series of triggers combined with the physical exhaustion....cause it was all too much. i feel some concern about the future; the next few months and how i'll manage to figure out what's next, find a new place, a beautiful new apartment...and to keep myself safe and sane on the way there.