Judy2

...still not relaxed lol. i briefly considered making a new thread to ask about this. ...really not sure how to resolve this...i think i've already asked about it at least twice before. stress management sounds like such a simple issue to tackle. i wonder why it's not and why it's so complex and difficult to handle in my experience. it can't be that hard, it sounds like such a basic problem to have...

@Schizophonia it's like an undergraduate degree. master's would be postgraduate.

i'm probably putting in an unnecessary amount of time and energy in the most inefficient way possible, and still not getting half as far as someone with a more relaxed attitude would. not saying this to you in particular@Schizophonia it's only something i just realised

@Schizophonia no i'm not doing a PhD lol. it's just my bachelor's thesis...not as big a deal as i make it sound.

10 things i am grateful for this evening/in this moment/this hour: my window is open and the cool night air feels good i finished going through all my sticky notes in The Woman in White today (probably hundreds) i can see that i am trying to be good to myself i found a little postcard with a kitten on it to look at i really love my pink coat i love the picture above my desk: my brother and me...he's wearing his cowboy boots and a grey shirt, and i'm leaning against him in a cute black skirt, and my hair is really long and pretty, falling in soft waves. i am grateful that i have a safe, comfortable bed to sleep in at night i am grateful that my father tries to support me - i can see that he is trying i am grateful that i have two appointments with therapists coming up...so maybe if i am lucky, one of them will be a good fit and keep working with me. i am grateful for the existence of my friends. it feels good to have friends and to know that they'll be there, no matter what. i love my friends. 11: i really enjoyed the hot shower i took this evening, and i took it deliberately because i knew it would be an act of self-care. 12: i like the sensation when i hold my cheek against my shoulder and feel my own soft, warm skin 13: i like my toned muscles and that i can feel that i have been working out 14: i am glad that i went cycling this afternoon...it was a good idea and it's something i should do more often, because it makes me feel happy and alive. 15: maybe dad and i can come up with a plan for tomorrow night, as to have something nice to look forward to. going to the cinema or something, perhaps. maybe that will help me relax. 16: i enjoy being aware of different colours in my environment; taking some time to scan the weird physical-mind-space around me and to see what's going on in this bubble that i'm "trapped" in 17: i re-polished my nails and the deep, dark red feels nice 18: i am looking forward to going to the gym tomorrow morning. i am hoping to enjoy my workout. 19: i am hoping to receive a positive reply from my professor, and to get a little bit more time for my thesis, so that i can keep prioritising my emotional well-being, too. 20: i'll have nutritious food tomorrow that will leave me feeling satiated and well-nourished 21: i am hoping to re-discover a random song that i heard earlier today that i forgot the lyrics of

...i'm feeling stupid again. it feels odd and stupid that mental illness, trying to be mentally healthy, is taking on such a central role for me in life. not sure what else life should consist in, if not a journey towards mastering the self - but regardless, it feels stupid. i feel stupid for struggling; i feel ugly. perhaps there'd be a prettier, more profound way to struggle, still? cause it's always this beautiful struggle, but i'm the ugly, unworthy character right in the middle of it. i'm ugly, i'm broken, i'm flawed, i'm not good enough. everything is wrong with me. everything is going wrong, everything is off balance.

i still feel stressed and like something is wrong with me and i'm not good enough and everything is wrong. it's difficult not to buy into it...it's such old programming. i'm guessing i'm also very anxious that i might just wake up in a week or two and hate myself for having tried to be more kind to myself. i'm very distrustful, still. i don't believe yet that i'm truly trying to love myself and be strong now...i sort of expect that it's only a matter of time till something messy comes up, something too messy, and i'll fall right back into the old patterns. i'm very sceptical. i don't believe that i'm allowed to be nice to myself now, i don't believe that the voice that says "i got you now!" got me yet. but i got me. even now. i'm with myself, and i won't abandon myself. ...kind of making me emotional now. it's still all so much, and i still feel quite alone with this struggle. i would appreciate help and support. i deserve help and support, if i feel that i need it. either way, i got me. whatever happens, i got me. i reckon that's supposed to be comforting...not sure yet, but perhaps, yes.

silence, a break, relaxation, calm, quiet, peace of mind, satisfaction with the present moment, feeling grounded, content with what is, at peace i keep forgetting, but i am smart, so if i feel that i need the above to feel better - i can totally make that happen. a few reminders to myself what i can do more often in the following week to feel better: ground myself in my senses: sight: - when going about my day, i can try to notice colours in my visual field/make myself look for certain colours - find nice pictures to look at, for example kittens - when i'm outside for walks etc. it's nice to look at the sky, the fields, the trees... - when things are tidied up nicely [difficult, triggering..because Dad.] sound: - [don't know, sound is triggering] - music (already doing that) touch/physical sensation: - massage ball - stuffed animals - take a hot shower smell: - essential oils (thought i had some but can't find them anymore) - nice soap/lotion - flowers self-care: polish my nails daily movement/exercise (already doing that, but i can do it more consciously, feeling my body and knowing that it's good for me, that it is supposed to help my mind relax) pick out nice outfits be more mindful and genuine when i write my daily gratitudes...don't just write things down. write them because i feel them to be true. be more present with myself, in my body, with my emotions.

i have a very odd relationship with taking breaks. it frustrates me so much that i can't stop thinking about it right now. maybe i've also had too much caffeine today - i don't even notice anymore. i have the caffeine because i think it helps me be productive. it's good to be busy so that i have some structure to my day and know when to eat and when not to eat, but then psychologically that does this thing where i don't know how to legitimise having breaks unless it's for eating? or i genuinely don't know what else to do to help myself relax. i don't know! i'm already doing the walks and the cycling and the exercise...it's not doing anything. and food isn't really satisfying, it's not what i truly crave. i crave a break, i crave relaxation - and i'm feeling some desperation now because i have literally no idea how to get that. perhaps i should be glad that i figured things out up until this point...that i understand enough to see what's missing. but i still don't know how to manifest this thing that's missing (silence, a break, relaxation, calm, quiet, peace of mind, satisfaction with the present moment). i'm constantly in a rush...because i'm scared to be fully here. because when i'm fully here there are noisy neighbours or a noisy dad and a messy, chaotic, unaesthetic house. so what choice do i have but to try and run from that, but to distract myself? but to wait until all that is gone, and over, and i can breathe again...whenever that is supposed to happen. ...feeling really stressed and frustrated with myself....ugh.

feeling frustrated with the fact that i don't know how to regulate my stress levels. upset, angry.... the higher, loving self says it's even okay to be where i'm at. and it's okay that i don't know that, and that i don't have it all figured out yet, and that i'm still scared and stressed sometimes. - i'm finding that hard to accept, but i guess i don't have much choice in that; it is what it is.

i feel frustrated with the fact that i don't know how to make myself relax. even if i plan on doing certain things simply for the sake of relaxation, they tend to stress me out a lot.

..in part this is also because i believe that working on myself and learning to do things differently is supposed to be emotionally difficult and exhausting. it is, but at the same time it's also "just being present with myself"...and there shouldn't be anything difficult about that, about fully being with my emotions. but then, it is also true that learning to do things differently than before requires more mental energy and conscious effort, because there are so many pitfalls i need to navigate my way around. also, i got angry just now, thinking how mum tells me to just relax. it invalidates this whole emotional struggle, and i dislike that. it makes me hurt, to feel misunderstood in this regard. to think that she thinks she understands, when she doesn't even remotely see any of it.

...i think i need to get in the habit of watching trash tv or something...just to have a hobby that's deliberately useless, otherwise i'm just so stressed out trying to be productive 24/7... cause even socialising or going outside or meditating is done with the incentive of improving myself or "trying to get somewhere" other than right here. it's a bit paradoxical, trying to reconcile those two...difficult to strike the right balance between doing things that are good for me in the long term, and doing them just to feel good in the present moment. ideally, a thing will accomplish both, and maybe it even does...for example cycling today or running on the treadmill yesterday felt good, even in that moment. but there's still a sneaky thing going on with my mindset that is causing unnecessary stress with this. it's stressful, always trying to get somewhere. i don't need to get anywhere. but my head won't always believe it, so i keep feeling stressed, scared, anxious.

...more or less having a good day so far, although there's still some underlying anxiety in my system. i'm guessing it has something to do with a bit of uncertainty/confusion concerning my body image and where i'm generally at. sometimes it's difficult to know/be sure if things are alright...for example individual perceptions of different parts of my body where i'm not sure yet if this is good/bad, if this is lean or too much. my face today confuses me....if it looks good and slim, or if it's borderline too much and about to escalate real bad. but i suppose the thing is that there are so many different perceptions all day long...food, my body, different body parts, different emotions, different surroundings...it's all a bit much still, so of course there's anxiety.

slept well and felt comfortable in my bed had a flat tummy this morning it seems as though my digestion has been improving had a nice breakfast, good portion size had kiwi as part of my breakfast. i keep forgetting that it exists, but heard a few weeks ago that it's said to be good for digestion and quite healthy in general...so i've been thinking that i would like to have it more often. trying to make progress with my thesis, still - ... trying to convince myself that i know how to write coherent texts...that i know exactly how to do this, and that i just need to do it. wearing one of my favourite dresses: the one with the white top sewn to a long flower skirt. feels really nice and it looks good with that pastel pink (powder pink?) coat...feels classy and cute:) went for a quick bike ride around the village this afternoon, to get in some exercise, move my body, get some fresh air, see some scenery outdoors, and take my mind off things trying to take good care of myself!