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About EmptyInside

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  1. I really appreciate you chiming in on this man. I was beginning to wonder if maybe it was too much. I know others deal with this in one way or another, and believe me, I understand the difficulties surrounding opening up and being vulnerable with it. Just that part is an experiment in facing and feeling the shame. Your advice is appreciated and thank you for sharing that you have dealt with some of these issues in your own journey. You've given me some helpful things to think about. Let me sit with it for a day or two and I'll let you know what I come up with. Thank you again.
  2. Jackpot ?
  3. Another helpful video on the topic, hint hint Leo:
  4. Thank you for your response. I don't live with my father but I still see him once a week. I agree with your points. It's silly for sure, but deeply ingrained. I found this video, it sums it up nicely:
  5. I really wanted to post this in "Spirituality" but ok.
  6. Been doing a lot of introspection, suffering, trying to get to the root. I grew up in a very strict religious household. What I'm having to really face right now, and it's rough, (and a disclaimer that I'm going to share some very personal stuff) is that I have lingering and debilitating sexual shame. It's the soul killing kind of shame. It has fueled addictions, it has led to hopelessness, despair, loneliness, so many bad chapters of my life and I'm just now, at 46, facing that this is the root cause. What is the root cause of the root cause? My upbringing. And, yes I have an average sized "package". I know there are plenty of guys out there, "average" "below average" even just flat out "tiny" who embrace and enjoy their sexuality, shame free. How did they manage to be able to do that? What's the difference? Parenting they received? Perceptions shaped in childhood. The church I went to from a very young age was on the more extreme side of a very strict literal interpretation of the bible complete with pounding fists on pulpits delivering hellfire and brimstone sermons. The subject of a lot of those sermons was "sex" and "sin'. Neither of my parents ever talked to me about sex. It was not discussed other than in the context of "sin". My mother was emotionally supportive. She was very religious, but she didn't use religion to shame. She was looking for answers, for truth. I still respect that. I don't think she ever found those answers, or maybe she did, maybe some do. She got Early Onset Alzheimer's and passed away in 2012, very young for that type of thing. My dad on the other hand, used shame as a weapon. It's part of his communication style. He shames. He's angry a lot. He hurls bible verses and like bullets of condemnation. There was no healthy father son relationship ever. He was gone a lot on business trips when I was a child. He was completely consumed with becoming a success during my formative years, and he did become a success from a financial perspective, but there was never a loving father son relationship. I always felt from him, discontent. I try to process all of this without blaming him but it's not easy especially since every time I see him he still shames me with religion. I've been doing spiritual work for a while, I do it quietly in my own way, at my own pace, and taking what works from here and there. But this little tidbit from my shadow is a real bitch. My goal is healing this wound and reprogramming this misconfiguration of my psychology so that I don't feel shame about sex and my body. Not sure where to even begin. The inner child needs healing. But how? There was an unhealthy psychological framework laid in my childhood. That combined with the damage done by religion messed me up when it comes to having any kind of positive view of sex. I know it sounds like I've fallen headfirst into the victim trap, but I don't know how else to get this across. I know I'm not the only who struggles with this type of thing. It's very difficult to open up about. So, I'm putting this all out there, full transparency.
  7. Fits like a glove
  8. Semantics, linguistics. Who cares. Nihilist this. Existentialist that. Look at us. Debating dust in the wind. Arguing with the rain. Leaving our ones and zeros behind for the way back machine of the future, hoping to be remembered. Missing the magic of life all around us.