somegirl

@tolo Dating in stage blue country can be incredibly frustrating for the exact reasons you wrote in your original post. It's just different level of consciousness they are at. But I still kinda hope that the right people can find you even in those environments. For example, in high school, there are lots of people there and they are all in similar life stages, but you always somehow managed to befriend the right kind of person for you, who fit with your worldview/personality etc. So I hope the same can be done in this case. I guess you can just go to places that those more-developed people usually go to, out of fun. No expectations.

Though there are some people who get into multiple relationships, even with people they are not truly attracted to, just for the sake of it. Or for learning experience/other reasons. I was one of those people. But then I figured I would rather stay single than be with someone I kind of liked. I wanted to give this guy a chance. I thought I was too picky. But it didn't truly fulfill me. And it made me kinda miserable, now looking back. I want to absolutely adore the person I am with. But I'm kinda grateful i went through that process because now I know what I want a little better.

No, you're in the right. You shouldn't change yourself to "fit in" with stage red/blue people, not at all. If you do, you wouldn't be truly happy and you would be settling. Better work on yourself and stay single than be with someone you know is not right fit for you and won't fulfill you. That leads to long term suffering. Eventually the right person will find you.

Of course most people who approach you do so for superficial reasons. That's all they know, they can't see your personality. They don't know who you are as a person, at least not yet, unless they start talking to you and get to know you beyond your looks. Give people a chance. At least give those ones you find physically attractive, because that IS important, among other things. Then you can go on dates and decide if you like them as a person. And one more thing... If you think it is difficult to find "the one", you will keep living that reality. Self-fullfilling prophecy.

@Albert Roiterstein Wow, thanks for recommendation, didn't know about him!

That's so awesome... You got it all figured out so young. How did you manage to find someone not toxic at such a young age? I would imagine younger person carry so many problems from childhood and they are too immature to become conscious of it and work on it and plus most young people don't know what they are doing. Do you think it was luck for you? Or you think you manifested your desired spouse How can beliefs be changed, to prevent it from repeating in future relationships? Can LOA help with it? Dreamboard? (btw I made Holon dreamboard a while ago). That's interesting to know... Damn but I absolutely love my freedom. Can i still have freedom even with kids? Maybe, probably... Most likely. I don't know whether I want to be a mom or not yet. Seems chaotic to me. But I'm judging it from my experience. Maybe it can be beautiful, non toxic thing.

We weren't talking about her silent treatment but about her invalidating and minimizing everything I say and how hurtful it is. I might try to tell her about silent treatment and how I won't tolerate it. I hope she listens and it gets registered into her mind. I don't expect her to dig deeper into her childhood. Only miracle should happen. No.. You might be very right... That's very interesting. I think she would consider it defeat for her already-fragile-ego if she approaches me first after a fight. I will try to talk to her once I calm down and don't hold negative energy in me.

Love was coming from her as long as we are not in a fight. Once we get into a fight, or I say something she doesn't like, she withdrawals all love and attention from me. As a 13 year old, yes, I would beg for her attention because I was still freaking dependent on her for basically everything. Other times, when she sees me really hurt by others, like crying, yes, she would comfort me (after telling me I'm getting sad over nothing). I remember one time when she saw me in excruciating emotional pain, she cried with me too. We were once talking about how her invalidating my feelings and telling me I get upset over minor things is very destructive towards me and my self-worth because I feel like I am crazy and overreacting for getting upset over some toxic shit someone might do to me. I guess she just doesn't give a fuck when she gets mad and loses all rational thinking.

I really hope so. This would give me some kind of comfort, if it is true that she indeed loves me. Because her withdrawing her love for me really makes me feel like she doesn't care. Well it is almost day 10 of us not talking. She seems to get on with her life just fine, ignoring me and not acknowleging my existence. Treating our neighbor's kids better than her own child. It just freaking hurts. If this is love, it is fucking twisted and I wonder how hate looks like if this is love. Thanks. I just became aware how f-ed I am because of her. Nothing else. I don't know how to deal with her and how not to let it affect my future relationships. Because I don't want my future bf to give me silent-treatment and invalidate me and whatnot...

It's a no from me.

@Husseinisdoingfine "If you have a toxic husband/wife, divorce", "If you have a toxic bf/gf break up" "If you have a toxic boss, change a job"... Yeah, how it didn't cross my mind before? If it was this simple, everyone would be doing it. I so dislike when people who might be financially independent suggest others to move. Like, thanks. I didn't know that was an option. It's not like finance is a problem for a teen/college student. Not at all. There is plenty of money for me to live on my own, but I'd just like to suffer a little more instead. Cause I like to suffer. Though that advice to not be reactive might be more practical and can be incorporated if only I could NOT react every time something bothers me. It requires Budha-level of self control. When I'm in an argument I'm sometimes overwhelmed by the (lack of) logic and delusion in their way of thinking that I simply can't believe someone can think like that. But I guess I need to learn how to be non-reactive. Somehow.

When someone calls a girl fat, it would be ideal for a girl to laugh it off. If she is not in fact fat, or doesn't identify herself as being fat, what does it matter what a stranger says? Where does the insult go when the one whom it meant to hurt doesn't accept it??? Of course it is easier to talk about it than to experience this yourself. The girl is young so very sensitive to other people's opinions of herself... Shame on that older lady.

@Nahm Lol, I didn't think of it as conflicting, but it might seem that way. I don't like what she's saying because she's invalidating my feelings, I wanted to have normal conversation with her, but I also don't like the silence becuase... Well who does? When you're being served a silence when you didn't do anything wrong, it is damaging to your self esteem and sense of self worth. She's been doing this since I was little, this isn't the first time. It's triggering me till this day because I subconsciously get reminded how terrified I was as a little girl to be abandoned by my own mother. I have suffered consequences from silent treatment including people pleasing and fear of enforcing my bounderies.

True. I don't know for you, but it's super hard for me personally to fall in love, let alone go any further. It takes years for me to find somebody attractive in every aspect I find important. And I don't say that to brag, I'm actually kind of frustrated that it is that way. Sometimes I wish I could just fall in love more easily. And I honestly don't want to waste my or someone else's time when I see something I don't like in someone. Instead of sweeping it under a rug and pretending everything is fine, I'm just open and say that I don't think this is gonna work. I like my peace way too much than creating unnecessary problems for myself.

I know, as I read more and more the book that one member recommended here, I'm starting to understand. Have they ever used silent-treatment on you? If so, how have you dealt with it?