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  1. @Tangerinedream Looking at your last post in another topic where you called out "toxic" and "vulgar", you're just reacting towards someone you disagree with and towards language that you don't think someone should use. If we were to normalize language so that no one can express themselves without tip-toeing and thinking thrice about the language used, so that no one could possible get offended, then we're heading in a truly toxic direction. It's also not possible, because it's the past experiences of the individual that adds the interpretation of what is being said, and will find implicit offensive meaning also where there is none, based on that own meaning-making. Of course there are extreme cases and there are limits. Such limits aren't commonly challenged. Of course I read far from everything, but I have never seen such cases here, and I tend to read some of these young male frustration topics around not being able to have relationships they want, or any relationship at all. Such topics where your sense of "toxicity" and "vulgarity" is at least fairly common, and where people get triggered. Also there's always going to be someone that is sensitive that will get triggered, and in these cases it calls for examining ones own emotional handling and further develop EQ. That in itself might be triggering, as a lot of people think high EQ is to have high sensitivity and justify lack of constructive responses based on this, but that's not EQ. Knowing your emotions Managing emotions Motivating yourself Recognizing emotions in others (empathy) Handling relationships A common culprit is that we emotionally attach to the beliefs and values we have, meaning that attacking our values is equivalent with an attack on our person, which it of course is not. You can't change others, but you can develop yourself so that you can better reach and influence others. So turn inwards and examine what the development opportunity here would be. That's what this forum is REALLY about, yes? Not about getting caught up in some fruitless argument around young males venting disappointments and frustrations. You might see that as "wrong", but that also a development opportunity, that isn't related to learning seeing this as "right", it's about recognizing perspectives.
  2. While that is true, also is when getting triggered, examine your triggers and transcend the underlying issue. That is development. That we can own. Use it as an opportunity to grow and to practice. It's likely to always exist in some form that is seen as toxic. There takes someone to get triggered for triggering language to exist. Also often these toxic long-winded conversations are kept alive due to none of the argumenting parties step into a higher quality level of communication.
  3. @blessedlion1993 Enjoyment is typically being within one's existing frame of development, or "comfort zone" if you will. With what's familiar. Development is the transformation of our current form of being, towards a more complex version of that. Meditation can be a challenge, and is a challenge. It pushes you into a different "space" where your brain is allowed to make new connection and new sense of what you already thought you knew. Of course you can reach a point where the depth of meditation stalls, for different reasons, and then it's just maintaining status quo. And yes, stretching outside of what we know, do, are comfortable with, what's cosy, safe, familiar, presents us with such circumstances where our current complexity of mind is not enough to be successful in our sense making, and through that stretching of ourselves, we end up in territories where we have to make new sense of what's going on, to create new meaning for ourselves, essentially expanding our comfort zone. Ultimately developing a bias towards not holding on to current beliefs, and constantly looking for new, better serving beliefs. Development becoming self-serving. Which essentially, and paradoxically, is enjoyment through development, developing through enjoyment. While this is the accelerated form of development, developmental challenges happen all the time, you could call it life micro-dosing challenges of such small nature that we don't really look at it as development, and the shifts created are less profound so that we don't notice that shifting in our sense making happening. Just reflect over your past life since you were a toddler, learning to speak, walk, and all the way til today, it's one single developmental journey, and this, right here, is the progression of that journey. So again, what to pursue is more-so determined by what kind of outcomes you are looking for.
  4. @blessedlion1993 Depends on what you desire. The perceived need to partake in social games and other deficiency needs, you don't lose interest in or forget, they need to be transcended, in one way or another. Whether this happens or not is not depending on books. It's the result of transformation of internal processes, a form of maturity that is not all too likely to happen by itself. So getting there is the journey. Getting there on your own is of course possible. Absorbing wisdom of others can be, but isn't necessarily, somewhat of a shortcut to get there, allowing for avoiding some traps on the road. Essentially, development is the journey. Development happens through challenges. Challenges happens through exposure. They are overcome by doing, not by absorbing theory. Spirituality can be pursued without tending to development. Enlightenment always was an option, throughout history, regardless of overall level of development. So, again, this depends on which path you choose. But transcendence is not escape from that which we find challenging, that's hiding, suppression, avoidence, and fuel for that which fester in our shadows. If you love spending time in nature, love and focus on that, not on the fear of missing out on some wisdom, instead build you own kind of wisdom. It's all about your happiness, not what others think. What feels right, is right.
  5. @Molaric I'd say to the contrary to @Leo Gura that you shouldn't start talking about youself, you need to figure out the personality of the other, and not default to self. Start to ask about that other, people are generally self-absorbed and love talking about themselves. So ask them about some aspect about them. If they go on a rant, you know that that's an endless source to tap into. What they do, what they enjoy, what they.. whatever. In case they answer short, such as "yes" , "no" , "not really" , "I don't know" , "nothing special" , "same as usual" , or something like that, or immediately shifts it back towards you, you know they are not comfortable to talk about themselves or not good with small-talk, often self-esteem related, and you can more comfortably switch back to yourself so that they can ride along in a conversation. My experience is that the ones that are uncomfortable with self will shift the conversation away from themselves. It's harder to find the middle ground people. It might help to finding something they are interested in, by talking about your interests, only briefly, and then switching back to asking what their interests are might give a lead. Even introverts and low self-esteem people like talking about their own interests when getting a good response around such topics from the conversation partner. If you hit that nerve with an introvert, connection can build fast. I'd say that with the extrovert or self-centered, you don't really build a connection by doing that, since they are more self-absorbed (saying that in a non-judgemental way) in that conversation, while the introvert appreciates that connection. You quickly notice the ones that are more balanced in interactions where there is a dynamic about them that clicks with your personality, asking about you and you asking about them, creating a flow. Anywho, this just my perspective and my experiences around becoming comfortable with making connections with people, as me being an introvert.
  6. @fopylo Man, there's so much time, it's just that you are in a rush. That sense of urgency created by your need to be something you're not. That urgency is false. In time you'll look back at this moment and see this with clarity. Whether you go back and read through everything again in an hour, a day, a week or months matters less, and makes less difference from a bigger perspective. It's the intention to create change that matters. The time scale is corrupted. Pausing those thought stories is more important so that you can get some space to breath, and be, to regroup and come back to all this with a more sober mind ❤️
  7. This is just it, it desensitizes you in the sense that whatever anxieties, worries and restrictions in your mind gets released for a moment, and that makes you feel freed from your own mental constraints. Allows you to feel happy. Ask yourself, what is it you are running from, freeing yourself from, when you feel that intoxication take hold. Notice how this happens very fast, only a sip or two of that wine and it lessens the weight on you soul. Examine that need. The real downside is that what's being surpressed by alcohol has a tendency to grow in strength by being systematically surpressed. The internal reward systems and brain hormones simply starts messing with you for you to come back for more. That's what you're feeling at the end of the day, when a craving to have a glass of wine kicks in, or looking forward to getting home after a bad day at work. It's a real slippery slope and often when catching onto the hold alcohol has gotten on ourselves, it's hard to get out and away from that feeling-suppressing pattern we've created. There's definitely a reason to examine what you suppress that allows you to feel free and happy, and address that in some other way. Even heroin will make you feel better in that moment. Any reason for a heroin addict to cut that out? Yes, extreme comparison, but it's the same effect they're slaves under, it's just extremely more powerful. You shouldn't feel guilty. That guilt is calling for you to deal with something that needs attention.
  8. There's a middle road between trying to be something that isn't authentically you, and opening up and exposing yourself fully. There's also "not playing the game", not trying to do anything, and just going along with those urges that you've already experienced where it seems to come naturally, and not judging yourself when it doesn't. No one expects anything from you, except for yourself that is. Do you feel that you want to open up and there being a discrepancy between that need and the self judgment that it is being seen as you being weak? Or, are you still trying to find a new way in an attempt to be accepted and liked by others? I'm not picking up on which it is, but it feels like it's still the latter. Same thing just showing up in a different disguise. You're still way caught up a thought story playing out at this camp. I think that's a good idea, try and not go along with the thought stories you are playing out in your mind. A lot has been said so it's more about finding how to implement a different way of thinking than trying to find an answer to the questions rasied by the content of that story. The story is the distraction and what needs focus is refining the attitudes and behaviors in you that create the world view that allows that story to play out in your mine. That is developmental growth, everything else is distraction. Also, you need to make an effort to drop everything that resembles comparing yourself with others. Nothing good comes out of that. It's just another distraction that effectively hold you back. I'm here to help so it's in no way annoying, I just hope that you manage to find something in all this, and past posts, that can help you facilitate the shift/shifts in your mind that you need to feel that you get some positive movement
  9. @fopylo Sorry, this got extremely lengthy. A different and more tangible form of working on this is to move to the meta plane and start working on self-leadership capability, by building understanding of what self-leadership is, and what kind of strategies there are that both help with these kind of things and also builds a strong foundation to continue working on developmental growth. This is a vast topic and something of a life journey in itself, and also central to self-actualization and development in general. Still a limited amount of knowledge about self-leadership and adopting some of the strategies thereof, makes great difference in ones life. Self-leadership can emerge out of our struggles as we make achievement to overcome those struggles, but it's also possible to deliberately make ourselves aware of what strategies help us, and that way practice and experiment around those, in real world scenarios - life, and build self-leadership capability. This becomes more about adding tools to your toolkit that help with exploring and setting a direction in your life, using self-goal setting and milestones that allows creating a sense of movement, which adds further motivation. There are different areas to work on and these focus on those behaviors and attitudes mentioned before, which has a direct impact on how we perceive the world. Both in the sense of us seeing the world in a different way as we, should we say "tweak" our behaviors and attitudes, since this affects our own perspective or the lens through which we view the world. Also, in the sense that such "tweaks" changes how the world responds towards those new or changed behaviors and attitudes of ours. Behavior strategies that are world-altering, just as it is implies, holds a direct potential to change our world by filling that world with higher quality content, whatever we've determined that to be. They cover being reminded to take appropriate action, removing negative cues that distract from what we want to focus on, and also increasing positive cues such as visualization of completed goals or tasks, and dreamboards that increases the visual consumption of that which we want more of. Such cues that increases motivation. While all self-leadership strategies are important, and they build on each other and reinforce each other, the next category is more related to what you write about in your posts of late. These are about self-imposed behavior focus. Self-observation is undoubtedly at the heart of this group of strategies, and entails contemplating what kind of behaviors you want more of, and what behaviors you want less of. This should be done as a formal exercise where you get the stuff down on paper, because other strategies work around these. Not just as a thought exercise. Once you have an idea of what these are and you have them recorded, the next step of self-observation it to go back experiencing the world, with the intention to catch yourself when turning to any of the behaviors on your list, positive and negative ones, and record them in a journal. This help raising your awareness around your behaviors in a structured way, and which can be analyzed at a later point. Record what the behavior is, what the frequency and duration is, the time of day and the day of the week, and "why" i.e. what kind of internal or external influences took place that made you behave. Doing this allows you to see patterns emerging which can bring clarity, and it also works as a traffic stop light to catch yourself in the moment, stop, observe - and in extention you can choose a different response, but this is primarily about observing and learning to know your behaviors. Next strategy, which is very powerful yet simple and "obvious" in nature is self-goal setting. This just like with behaviors above means figuring out who we want to be and where we want to go. Think of this as a broader and distant vision, then use this to identify separate, tangible and manageable goals that represent steps in the direction of that vision. Don't be too concerned with finding a perfect vision. This is more about creating movement. As we move, we gain new perspectives and our vision is likely to change or need adjusting based on what our changed perspective offers. We can't predict the future, but this way we gain a basic understanding of how we actively influence the future and the world we experience, by controlling the only thing we can control, our own behaviors and attitudes. These self-goals need to be specific so that you know what you need to do. And they should be challenging while still being achievable. Look into some goal setting frameworks such as SMART goals if you haven't already, they help you with setting up such goals. Also try to find long-term and short-term goals. There can be vision, milestones as long-term goals and short term goals that support each other. This really calls for self-examination to figure this out, which isn't easy, but grows easier as we practice, and brings clarity as we start achieving goals. This isn't about external goals per se, but about behavior changing goals, as self-leadership is about our internal processes. These goals will translate into external achievement as well, but the focus is on our behaviors and attitudes. Next up and closely related to self-goal setting and vision is Purpose. When finding a purpose with our existence it helps envisioning where we should strive going (via self-goal setting). Who are you? What am I meant to do here? What am I trying to do with my life? What do I value most? And so on. This isn't the same as the spiritual sense of who you are, but the ego sense, what you want to pursue to create your own sense of meaning. Happiness is strongly linked to the accomplishing of goals that are supported by underlying purpose. Again, the sense of movement in an envisioned direction. Two other strategies, that relate to each other, is Self-reward and Self-punishment. The latter I'd say is mostly about becoming aware of it and how we use it, and to deliberately replace Self-punishment with a sequence intention, action and Self-reward. Essentially, Self-punishment is useful to make us feel bad around and prevent repeating behaviors that we perceive is very bad. This is a difficult categorization, why it's better to just use awareness about self-punishment happening, and to deliberately switch towards a positive behavior, and self-reward that change. Both self-reward and self-punishment can be physical or mental, or a combination. Mentally speaking, envisioning a high-five, pat on the back or slap in the face, or positive or negative self-talk that either lift us up or put us down, placing labels on ourselves, that encourages or disencourages ourselves. Physically speaking, it could be something like a good snack, dinner, activity we enjoy, or whatever else that we like. Self-reward is what makes us come back for more, and a good part of these strategies is to learn to use them in a reinforcing way. So it's about creating a strong pattern of rewarding existing behaviors, and to help shift towards desired behaviors. An example can be that when we catch ourselves in the moment of a previously identified undesirable behavior, we self-reward ourselves, e.g. mentally by telling ourselves something like "Ha! Good catch, we'll done mate!", then we switch to a determined desired behavior, create a shift, and finally reward ourselves again for choosing a desired behavior. Even though mental self-rewards are powerful, treating yourself to a good dinner out on the town might be even more powerful due to making it more formal. So it's important to combine both. You can even think of rewards in advance, when I achieve X I will physically self-reward by treating myself with Y. The greater the behavior achievement, the more significant reward. The mind can be a powerful motivation tool, but we need to use it in a strategic way. The last one I'll mention is Constructive thought, but there are many more strategies to look into. These make up the core strategies that help us to architect our behavioral focus toward that which we authentically desire - and create a better world experience. Constructive thought includes being aware of how we use our mind and how this affects us, and the choosing to use our mind in such ways that support the self-goals we have setup for ourselves. Some things included here are: Self-talk can be very powerful as a positive tool, but it's more common to use self-talk to reinforce negativity. By becoming mindful of our self-talk, we can systematically change the content of our self-talk towards positive self-talk, and the reduction of negative self-talk. Our beliefs and assumptions are a big part of what makes up the world as we experince it. These beliefs haven't been imposed upon us, we have unconsciously adopted them, and we can deliberately replace them. Assumptions are a big part of reinforcing existing beliefs, as they are extensions of our current beliefs, and fills in the blanks with biased self-made-up content. By explicitly making less assumptions fosters curiosity to find out more, and healthy interactions with others, which in turn help making our beliefs less ridig and more shapable. Thought patterns emerges as we observe. What these patterns are and how they affect us, and which patterns serve us well is important to become aware of. Finally how we relate to Failure, what failure represents for us, what it does to us, and how we can redefine failure from something bad and into a natural part of learning and development. Learning more about how we have connected failure with our fears and how this acts as a demotivator. This helps making it easier to manage pursuing more challenging goals. This is just an invitation to looking into self-leadership as a phenomena. There are good resources out there, and a book I can recommend is Self-leadership: The Definitive Guide to Personal Excellence. All of this build on the ability to deal with the challenges life brings us, not by specifically addressing the content/narrative but going at the systemic, structural make-up of how we see and relate to the world, and consequently, the sense of self-efficacy we have related our abilities to deal with whatever situations that may arise. Again, apologies for this wall of text @DIDego ❤️
  10. @fopylo What happens if you deliberately choose not to try to be in the "center of attention" [etc] and instead focus on observing without expectations to interact? You can approach this as deliberately running an experiment. Dropping the forced sense of needing to interact may allow for opportunities for more natural, authentic interaction to happen. You can run, but you can't hide from the part that creates this, your ego. You create the world as you perceive it, via your attitudes and your behaviors. The world is more a product of those attitudes and behaviors, so these are what you need to address and where you can create change for yourself. When these change, your world as you experience it will change as a side-effect. As long as you focus externally (toward world and phenomena in it) authentic change doesn't happen (as attitudes and behaviors are internally driven). Also, if that which you do feels inauthentic, and you want to feel authentic, what can you imagine for yourself being fully authentic would look like?
  11. @Nahm sums it up very well. @fopylo You can't fake authentic. You enter that scene trying to fill some role that you have made into an ideal, under the preconceived idea that others want, need, notice and judge thereafter. When reflecting upon that, it's not strange that you get exhausted. It takes a great deal of energy to try to put on and be something that doesn't come naturally. It usually works for a while, then when it has drained ones energy, maintaining that state is extremely exhausting. That's when we hit a wall. Then comes the backlash of feeling "fake", the realization of not allowing authenticity to happen. When we get to this point, it's hardly possible to continue trying. We essentially shut down. You place a lot of expectation upon yourself, which becomes your own obstacle. Why do you have to be talkative, to take up or reserve some sort of space? That's an expectation you place upon yourself, and that expectation makes you interact in a forced way. That's something others can pickup on, the forcefulness of taking precense in whatever situation that is happening. The "other kid" you mention seems like he didn't try to fill any shoes whatsoever, although we don't really know anything about that, and allowed himself to be authentically reserved, and the aura of easiness one gets surrounded with by such unpretentiousness is picked upon as more inviting than the opposite which is pretentious forcefulness, which acts as a natural repellant. As Nahm says, it's just day two and that uneasiness settles with time. Try not to get caught up with thoughts about what's right or wrong. Don't let that breathing suggestion pass you by. Deep, slow breaths expanding your stomach on the in-breath, and absorbing the calm that ensues as pressure gets released in that process is very powerful. Learning remembering doing this in the very moment as becoming aware of that pressure build-up happening, and anxiety build-up in general, alleviates a great deal of that anxiety and it's easier to not get carried away with whatever thought-feeling carousel we get ourselves caught up with riding. Allow yourself to just be yourself - life isn't a competition When authentic, it's easier to step outside of one's comfort zone for a moment, and return back into one's comfort after that moment, slowly growing more comfortable and allowing the expanding of that zone, in a safe way. Allow authenticity to happen first.
  12. @Something Funny Glad to help Remember, life isn't as serious at it seems at times. Remember to breath and give yourself space to be.
  13. I feel quoting Charles Bukowski is in place that's not a common quote on here. He might've been dysfunctional, alcoholic, abusive and so on, and this quote might've been sourced come from a cynical point of view (who knows). (Also he wrote some helluva amazing poetry, but let's not get side-tracked) You have to think for yourself and follow what which you think/feel is intuitively right, and not follow group behavior and accept that as truth. That may trigger fears in youself, that's ok, introspect into those fears, and where they come from. Growth to be found. What I'm saying is that you have to feel into what is right for you and your life direction / purpose, and support that regardless of what the "crowd" thinks is right. That crowd is mainly concerned with fitting in, being socially accepted, regardless of what you as an individual feel is right. Going against the grains of what is social norm (not to say socially accepted) for the benefit of what is authentic is challenging, but reaps great rewards. Focus on this - what is authentic to you, and actively try to dismiss any external influence shifting you elseway. Pursue that. Be attentive to pursuing introversy as a phenomenon isn't authentic in itself. Identifying as "introvert" and emotionally attaching to that, will result in closing down toward society and essentially "strangling" yourself. Drop your labels and turn towards being. It's so easy to use introversy as an excuse to move towards 100% isolation. And that happens gradually. Dysfunction ensues, as will increased suffering. Rather detaching from the concept of introversy, AND extrovercy, and looking for that which allows for existence to flow, for you, is the path forward. What that looks like, only you can figure out
  14. Question is, if he says yes or no, will you change how you relate to the world. You're confused. The world is yours to create.
  15. @Something Funny Don't focus on social standards and expectations, they are going to be focused on extroverted behavior. Focus on what you want to achieve, not on a superficial level but on a deeper personal level. There's a breakpoint where effort for fulfillment shifts into effort for meeting expectations. If you know what your healthy needs and goals are, even as an introvert, it's good to stretch for developmental reasons, which can mean challenging our extroverted boundaries. If this stretching is to meet others or external societal needs, then we benefit from redirecting this effort towards something that better align with that which we value. This is the path towards authenticity. The confidence and strength to be and do that which allows us to act as we see outselves being when external pressures are removed, and, internal drive emerges. Find the format that supports this. There's no good or bad. There's only beneficial and less beneficial towards your desired outcomes. Then acting is a function. So choose healthy goals and support that which makes your journey healthy. This might still mean feeling uncomfortable and challenged, but it produces something that translates into personal growth. Does this make sense? The size of groups does not matter. What matters is you being truthful to yourself, your inner self, and to your life journey. If you see acting matching your cause, even if unfomfortable, you have the motivation to endure for the sake of self. It's basically just making a conscious choice how to invest effort for some greater good.