• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Eph75

  1. @Tangerinedream Looking at your last post in another topic where you called out "toxic" and "vulgar", you're just reacting towards someone you disagree with and towards language that you don't think someone should use. If we were to normalize language so that no one can express themselves without tip-toeing and thinking thrice about the language used, so that no one could possible get offended, then we're heading in a truly toxic direction. It's also not possible, because it's the past experiences of the individual that adds the interpretation of what is being said, and will find implicit offensive meaning also where there is none, based on that own meaning-making. Of course there are extreme cases and there are limits. Such limits aren't commonly challenged. Of course I read far from everything, but I have never seen such cases here, and I tend to read some of these young male frustration topics around not being able to have relationships they want, or any relationship at all. Such topics where your sense of "toxicity" and "vulgarity" is at least fairly common, and where people get triggered. Also there's always going to be someone that is sensitive that will get triggered, and in these cases it calls for examining ones own emotional handling and further develop EQ. That in itself might be triggering, as a lot of people think high EQ is to have high sensitivity and justify lack of constructive responses based on this, but that's not EQ. Knowing your emotions Managing emotions Motivating yourself Recognizing emotions in others (empathy) Handling relationships A common culprit is that we emotionally attach to the beliefs and values we have, meaning that attacking our values is equivalent with an attack on our person, which it of course is not. You can't change others, but you can develop yourself so that you can better reach and influence others. So turn inwards and examine what the development opportunity here would be. That's what this forum is REALLY about, yes? Not about getting caught up in some fruitless argument around young males venting disappointments and frustrations. You might see that as "wrong", but that also a development opportunity, that isn't related to learning seeing this as "right", it's about recognizing perspectives.
  2. While that is true, also is when getting triggered, examine your triggers and transcend the underlying issue. That is development. That we can own. Use it as an opportunity to grow and to practice. It's likely to always exist in some form that is seen as toxic. There takes someone to get triggered for triggering language to exist. Also often these toxic long-winded conversations are kept alive due to none of the argumenting parties step into a higher quality level of communication.
  3. @blessedlion1993 Enjoyment is typically being within one's existing frame of development, or "comfort zone" if you will. With what's familiar. Development is the transformation of our current form of being, towards a more complex version of that. Meditation can be a challenge, and is a challenge. It pushes you into a different "space" where your brain is allowed to make new connection and new sense of what you already thought you knew. Of course you can reach a point where the depth of meditation stalls, for different reasons, and then it's just maintaining status quo. And yes, stretching outside of what we know, do, are comfortable with, what's cosy, safe, familiar, presents us with such circumstances where our current complexity of mind is not enough to be successful in our sense making, and through that stretching of ourselves, we end up in territories where we have to make new sense of what's going on, to create new meaning for ourselves, essentially expanding our comfort zone. Ultimately developing a bias towards not holding on to current beliefs, and constantly looking for new, better serving beliefs. Development becoming self-serving. Which essentially, and paradoxically, is enjoyment through development, developing through enjoyment. While this is the accelerated form of development, developmental challenges happen all the time, you could call it life micro-dosing challenges of such small nature that we don't really look at it as development, and the shifts created are less profound so that we don't notice that shifting in our sense making happening. Just reflect over your past life since you were a toddler, learning to speak, walk, and all the way til today, it's one single developmental journey, and this, right here, is the progression of that journey. So again, what to pursue is more-so determined by what kind of outcomes you are looking for.
  4. @blessedlion1993 Depends on what you desire. The perceived need to partake in social games and other deficiency needs, you don't lose interest in or forget, they need to be transcended, in one way or another. Whether this happens or not is not depending on books. It's the result of transformation of internal processes, a form of maturity that is not all too likely to happen by itself. So getting there is the journey. Getting there on your own is of course possible. Absorbing wisdom of others can be, but isn't necessarily, somewhat of a shortcut to get there, allowing for avoiding some traps on the road. Essentially, development is the journey. Development happens through challenges. Challenges happens through exposure. They are overcome by doing, not by absorbing theory. Spirituality can be pursued without tending to development. Enlightenment always was an option, throughout history, regardless of overall level of development. So, again, this depends on which path you choose. But transcendence is not escape from that which we find challenging, that's hiding, suppression, avoidence, and fuel for that which fester in our shadows. If you love spending time in nature, love and focus on that, not on the fear of missing out on some wisdom, instead build you own kind of wisdom. It's all about your happiness, not what others think. What feels right, is right.
  5. @Molaric I'd say to the contrary to @Leo Gura that you shouldn't start talking about youself, you need to figure out the personality of the other, and not default to self. Start to ask about that other, people are generally self-absorbed and love talking about themselves. So ask them about some aspect about them. If they go on a rant, you know that that's an endless source to tap into. What they do, what they enjoy, what they.. whatever. In case they answer short, such as "yes" , "no" , "not really" , "I don't know" , "nothing special" , "same as usual" , or something like that, or immediately shifts it back towards you, you know they are not comfortable to talk about themselves or not good with small-talk, often self-esteem related, and you can more comfortably switch back to yourself so that they can ride along in a conversation. My experience is that the ones that are uncomfortable with self will shift the conversation away from themselves. It's harder to find the middle ground people. It might help to finding something they are interested in, by talking about your interests, only briefly, and then switching back to asking what their interests are might give a lead. Even introverts and low self-esteem people like talking about their own interests when getting a good response around such topics from the conversation partner. If you hit that nerve with an introvert, connection can build fast. I'd say that with the extrovert or self-centered, you don't really build a connection by doing that, since they are more self-absorbed (saying that in a non-judgemental way) in that conversation, while the introvert appreciates that connection. You quickly notice the ones that are more balanced in interactions where there is a dynamic about them that clicks with your personality, asking about you and you asking about them, creating a flow. Anywho, this just my perspective and my experiences around becoming comfortable with making connections with people, as me being an introvert.
  6. @fopylo Man, there's so much time, it's just that you are in a rush. That sense of urgency created by your need to be something you're not. That urgency is false. In time you'll look back at this moment and see this with clarity. Whether you go back and read through everything again in an hour, a day, a week or months matters less, and makes less difference from a bigger perspective. It's the intention to create change that matters. The time scale is corrupted. Pausing those thought stories is more important so that you can get some space to breath, and be, to regroup and come back to all this with a more sober mind ❤️
  7. This is just it, it desensitizes you in the sense that whatever anxieties, worries and restrictions in your mind gets released for a moment, and that makes you feel freed from your own mental constraints. Allows you to feel happy. Ask yourself, what is it you are running from, freeing yourself from, when you feel that intoxication take hold. Notice how this happens very fast, only a sip or two of that wine and it lessens the weight on you soul. Examine that need. The real downside is that what's being surpressed by alcohol has a tendency to grow in strength by being systematically surpressed. The internal reward systems and brain hormones simply starts messing with you for you to come back for more. That's what you're feeling at the end of the day, when a craving to have a glass of wine kicks in, or looking forward to getting home after a bad day at work. It's a real slippery slope and often when catching onto the hold alcohol has gotten on ourselves, it's hard to get out and away from that feeling-suppressing pattern we've created. There's definitely a reason to examine what you suppress that allows you to feel free and happy, and address that in some other way. Even heroin will make you feel better in that moment. Any reason for a heroin addict to cut that out? Yes, extreme comparison, but it's the same effect they're slaves under, it's just extremely more powerful. You shouldn't feel guilty. That guilt is calling for you to deal with something that needs attention.
  8. There's a middle road between trying to be something that isn't authentically you, and opening up and exposing yourself fully. There's also "not playing the game", not trying to do anything, and just going along with those urges that you've already experienced where it seems to come naturally, and not judging yourself when it doesn't. No one expects anything from you, except for yourself that is. Do you feel that you want to open up and there being a discrepancy between that need and the self judgment that it is being seen as you being weak? Or, are you still trying to find a new way in an attempt to be accepted and liked by others? I'm not picking up on which it is, but it feels like it's still the latter. Same thing just showing up in a different disguise. You're still way caught up a thought story playing out at this camp. I think that's a good idea, try and not go along with the thought stories you are playing out in your mind. A lot has been said so it's more about finding how to implement a different way of thinking than trying to find an answer to the questions rasied by the content of that story. The story is the distraction and what needs focus is refining the attitudes and behaviors in you that create the world view that allows that story to play out in your mine. That is developmental growth, everything else is distraction. Also, you need to make an effort to drop everything that resembles comparing yourself with others. Nothing good comes out of that. It's just another distraction that effectively hold you back. I'm here to help so it's in no way annoying, I just hope that you manage to find something in all this, and past posts, that can help you facilitate the shift/shifts in your mind that you need to feel that you get some positive movement
  9. @fopylo Sorry, this got extremely lengthy. A different and more tangible form of working on this is to move to the meta plane and start working on self-leadership capability, by building understanding of what self-leadership is, and what kind of strategies there are that both help with these kind of things and also builds a strong foundation to continue working on developmental growth. This is a vast topic and something of a life journey in itself, and also central to self-actualization and development in general. Still a limited amount of knowledge about self-leadership and adopting some of the strategies thereof, makes great difference in ones life. Self-leadership can emerge out of our struggles as we make achievement to overcome those struggles, but it's also possible to deliberately make ourselves aware of what strategies help us, and that way practice and experiment around those, in real world scenarios - life, and build self-leadership capability. This becomes more about adding tools to your toolkit that help with exploring and setting a direction in your life, using self-goal setting and milestones that allows creating a sense of movement, which adds further motivation. There are different areas to work on and these focus on those behaviors and attitudes mentioned before, which has a direct impact on how we perceive the world. Both in the sense of us seeing the world in a different way as we, should we say "tweak" our behaviors and attitudes, since this affects our own perspective or the lens through which we view the world. Also, in the sense that such "tweaks" changes how the world responds towards those new or changed behaviors and attitudes of ours. Behavior strategies that are world-altering, just as it is implies, holds a direct potential to change our world by filling that world with higher quality content, whatever we've determined that to be. They cover being reminded to take appropriate action, removing negative cues that distract from what we want to focus on, and also increasing positive cues such as visualization of completed goals or tasks, and dreamboards that increases the visual consumption of that which we want more of. Such cues that increases motivation. While all self-leadership strategies are important, and they build on each other and reinforce each other, the next category is more related to what you write about in your posts of late. These are about self-imposed behavior focus. Self-observation is undoubtedly at the heart of this group of strategies, and entails contemplating what kind of behaviors you want more of, and what behaviors you want less of. This should be done as a formal exercise where you get the stuff down on paper, because other strategies work around these. Not just as a thought exercise. Once you have an idea of what these are and you have them recorded, the next step of self-observation it to go back experiencing the world, with the intention to catch yourself when turning to any of the behaviors on your list, positive and negative ones, and record them in a journal. This help raising your awareness around your behaviors in a structured way, and which can be analyzed at a later point. Record what the behavior is, what the frequency and duration is, the time of day and the day of the week, and "why" i.e. what kind of internal or external influences took place that made you behave. Doing this allows you to see patterns emerging which can bring clarity, and it also works as a traffic stop light to catch yourself in the moment, stop, observe - and in extention you can choose a different response, but this is primarily about observing and learning to know your behaviors. Next strategy, which is very powerful yet simple and "obvious" in nature is self-goal setting. This just like with behaviors above means figuring out who we want to be and where we want to go. Think of this as a broader and distant vision, then use this to identify separate, tangible and manageable goals that represent steps in the direction of that vision. Don't be too concerned with finding a perfect vision. This is more about creating movement. As we move, we gain new perspectives and our vision is likely to change or need adjusting based on what our changed perspective offers. We can't predict the future, but this way we gain a basic understanding of how we actively influence the future and the world we experience, by controlling the only thing we can control, our own behaviors and attitudes. These self-goals need to be specific so that you know what you need to do. And they should be challenging while still being achievable. Look into some goal setting frameworks such as SMART goals if you haven't already, they help you with setting up such goals. Also try to find long-term and short-term goals. There can be vision, milestones as long-term goals and short term goals that support each other. This really calls for self-examination to figure this out, which isn't easy, but grows easier as we practice, and brings clarity as we start achieving goals. This isn't about external goals per se, but about behavior changing goals, as self-leadership is about our internal processes. These goals will translate into external achievement as well, but the focus is on our behaviors and attitudes. Next up and closely related to self-goal setting and vision is Purpose. When finding a purpose with our existence it helps envisioning where we should strive going (via self-goal setting). Who are you? What am I meant to do here? What am I trying to do with my life? What do I value most? And so on. This isn't the same as the spiritual sense of who you are, but the ego sense, what you want to pursue to create your own sense of meaning. Happiness is strongly linked to the accomplishing of goals that are supported by underlying purpose. Again, the sense of movement in an envisioned direction. Two other strategies, that relate to each other, is Self-reward and Self-punishment. The latter I'd say is mostly about becoming aware of it and how we use it, and to deliberately replace Self-punishment with a sequence intention, action and Self-reward. Essentially, Self-punishment is useful to make us feel bad around and prevent repeating behaviors that we perceive is very bad. This is a difficult categorization, why it's better to just use awareness about self-punishment happening, and to deliberately switch towards a positive behavior, and self-reward that change. Both self-reward and self-punishment can be physical or mental, or a combination. Mentally speaking, envisioning a high-five, pat on the back or slap in the face, or positive or negative self-talk that either lift us up or put us down, placing labels on ourselves, that encourages or disencourages ourselves. Physically speaking, it could be something like a good snack, dinner, activity we enjoy, or whatever else that we like. Self-reward is what makes us come back for more, and a good part of these strategies is to learn to use them in a reinforcing way. So it's about creating a strong pattern of rewarding existing behaviors, and to help shift towards desired behaviors. An example can be that when we catch ourselves in the moment of a previously identified undesirable behavior, we self-reward ourselves, e.g. mentally by telling ourselves something like "Ha! Good catch, we'll done mate!", then we switch to a determined desired behavior, create a shift, and finally reward ourselves again for choosing a desired behavior. Even though mental self-rewards are powerful, treating yourself to a good dinner out on the town might be even more powerful due to making it more formal. So it's important to combine both. You can even think of rewards in advance, when I achieve X I will physically self-reward by treating myself with Y. The greater the behavior achievement, the more significant reward. The mind can be a powerful motivation tool, but we need to use it in a strategic way. The last one I'll mention is Constructive thought, but there are many more strategies to look into. These make up the core strategies that help us to architect our behavioral focus toward that which we authentically desire - and create a better world experience. Constructive thought includes being aware of how we use our mind and how this affects us, and the choosing to use our mind in such ways that support the self-goals we have setup for ourselves. Some things included here are: Self-talk can be very powerful as a positive tool, but it's more common to use self-talk to reinforce negativity. By becoming mindful of our self-talk, we can systematically change the content of our self-talk towards positive self-talk, and the reduction of negative self-talk. Our beliefs and assumptions are a big part of what makes up the world as we experince it. These beliefs haven't been imposed upon us, we have unconsciously adopted them, and we can deliberately replace them. Assumptions are a big part of reinforcing existing beliefs, as they are extensions of our current beliefs, and fills in the blanks with biased self-made-up content. By explicitly making less assumptions fosters curiosity to find out more, and healthy interactions with others, which in turn help making our beliefs less ridig and more shapable. Thought patterns emerges as we observe. What these patterns are and how they affect us, and which patterns serve us well is important to become aware of. Finally how we relate to Failure, what failure represents for us, what it does to us, and how we can redefine failure from something bad and into a natural part of learning and development. Learning more about how we have connected failure with our fears and how this acts as a demotivator. This helps making it easier to manage pursuing more challenging goals. This is just an invitation to looking into self-leadership as a phenomena. There are good resources out there, and a book I can recommend is Self-leadership: The Definitive Guide to Personal Excellence. All of this build on the ability to deal with the challenges life brings us, not by specifically addressing the content/narrative but going at the systemic, structural make-up of how we see and relate to the world, and consequently, the sense of self-efficacy we have related our abilities to deal with whatever situations that may arise. Again, apologies for this wall of text @DIDego ❤️
  10. @fopylo What happens if you deliberately choose not to try to be in the "center of attention" [etc] and instead focus on observing without expectations to interact? You can approach this as deliberately running an experiment. Dropping the forced sense of needing to interact may allow for opportunities for more natural, authentic interaction to happen. You can run, but you can't hide from the part that creates this, your ego. You create the world as you perceive it, via your attitudes and your behaviors. The world is more a product of those attitudes and behaviors, so these are what you need to address and where you can create change for yourself. When these change, your world as you experience it will change as a side-effect. As long as you focus externally (toward world and phenomena in it) authentic change doesn't happen (as attitudes and behaviors are internally driven). Also, if that which you do feels inauthentic, and you want to feel authentic, what can you imagine for yourself being fully authentic would look like?
  11. @Nahm sums it up very well. @fopylo You can't fake authentic. You enter that scene trying to fill some role that you have made into an ideal, under the preconceived idea that others want, need, notice and judge thereafter. When reflecting upon that, it's not strange that you get exhausted. It takes a great deal of energy to try to put on and be something that doesn't come naturally. It usually works for a while, then when it has drained ones energy, maintaining that state is extremely exhausting. That's when we hit a wall. Then comes the backlash of feeling "fake", the realization of not allowing authenticity to happen. When we get to this point, it's hardly possible to continue trying. We essentially shut down. You place a lot of expectation upon yourself, which becomes your own obstacle. Why do you have to be talkative, to take up or reserve some sort of space? That's an expectation you place upon yourself, and that expectation makes you interact in a forced way. That's something others can pickup on, the forcefulness of taking precense in whatever situation that is happening. The "other kid" you mention seems like he didn't try to fill any shoes whatsoever, although we don't really know anything about that, and allowed himself to be authentically reserved, and the aura of easiness one gets surrounded with by such unpretentiousness is picked upon as more inviting than the opposite which is pretentious forcefulness, which acts as a natural repellant. As Nahm says, it's just day two and that uneasiness settles with time. Try not to get caught up with thoughts about what's right or wrong. Don't let that breathing suggestion pass you by. Deep, slow breaths expanding your stomach on the in-breath, and absorbing the calm that ensues as pressure gets released in that process is very powerful. Learning remembering doing this in the very moment as becoming aware of that pressure build-up happening, and anxiety build-up in general, alleviates a great deal of that anxiety and it's easier to not get carried away with whatever thought-feeling carousel we get ourselves caught up with riding. Allow yourself to just be yourself - life isn't a competition When authentic, it's easier to step outside of one's comfort zone for a moment, and return back into one's comfort after that moment, slowly growing more comfortable and allowing the expanding of that zone, in a safe way. Allow authenticity to happen first.
  12. @Something Funny Glad to help Remember, life isn't as serious at it seems at times. Remember to breath and give yourself space to be.
  13. I feel quoting Charles Bukowski is in place that's not a common quote on here. He might've been dysfunctional, alcoholic, abusive and so on, and this quote might've been sourced come from a cynical point of view (who knows). (Also he wrote some helluva amazing poetry, but let's not get side-tracked) You have to think for yourself and follow what which you think/feel is intuitively right, and not follow group behavior and accept that as truth. That may trigger fears in youself, that's ok, introspect into those fears, and where they come from. Growth to be found. What I'm saying is that you have to feel into what is right for you and your life direction / purpose, and support that regardless of what the "crowd" thinks is right. That crowd is mainly concerned with fitting in, being socially accepted, regardless of what you as an individual feel is right. Going against the grains of what is social norm (not to say socially accepted) for the benefit of what is authentic is challenging, but reaps great rewards. Focus on this - what is authentic to you, and actively try to dismiss any external influence shifting you elseway. Pursue that. Be attentive to pursuing introversy as a phenomenon isn't authentic in itself. Identifying as "introvert" and emotionally attaching to that, will result in closing down toward society and essentially "strangling" yourself. Drop your labels and turn towards being. It's so easy to use introversy as an excuse to move towards 100% isolation. And that happens gradually. Dysfunction ensues, as will increased suffering. Rather detaching from the concept of introversy, AND extrovercy, and looking for that which allows for existence to flow, for you, is the path forward. What that looks like, only you can figure out
  14. Question is, if he says yes or no, will you change how you relate to the world. You're confused. The world is yours to create.
  15. @Something Funny Don't focus on social standards and expectations, they are going to be focused on extroverted behavior. Focus on what you want to achieve, not on a superficial level but on a deeper personal level. There's a breakpoint where effort for fulfillment shifts into effort for meeting expectations. If you know what your healthy needs and goals are, even as an introvert, it's good to stretch for developmental reasons, which can mean challenging our extroverted boundaries. If this stretching is to meet others or external societal needs, then we benefit from redirecting this effort towards something that better align with that which we value. This is the path towards authenticity. The confidence and strength to be and do that which allows us to act as we see outselves being when external pressures are removed, and, internal drive emerges. Find the format that supports this. There's no good or bad. There's only beneficial and less beneficial towards your desired outcomes. Then acting is a function. So choose healthy goals and support that which makes your journey healthy. This might still mean feeling uncomfortable and challenged, but it produces something that translates into personal growth. Does this make sense? The size of groups does not matter. What matters is you being truthful to yourself, your inner self, and to your life journey. If you see acting matching your cause, even if unfomfortable, you have the motivation to endure for the sake of self. It's basically just making a conscious choice how to invest effort for some greater good.
  16. @Blackhawk The disease of pessimism and negativity is that it is just that, a disease that spread and infects increasingly more of our ways of thinking, until such a point that all and everything is pecieved as being pitch black and without future prospect. A self-created state based on a catalyzer we once upon a time didn't handle with care, that caused us to spiral out of control and into that blackness. We effectively snuff out all light there is, without realizing that we're the ones responsible for that doing. This is something that we hold the power to change, and the first thing to overcome is the negative thought that it isn't possible for me. Just like we were able and we are responsible for getting ourselves there, we are equally able and responsible to getting ourselves out of it. Of course it's not something that must happen. So how do we create the incentive to create change within ourselves, an attitude shifting event, which is not the blind reliance on mere happenstance, something we don't believe in anyways? Would you allow yourself to be experience happiness if it showed up right in front of you?
  17. Schools need to be a function that extends child development as a preparation for adult life, in a deliberate way, by creating an environment where the focus is on just that, catalyzing development, and not the transferring of ideology, so that the children can enter their adult life with great tools and heightened chances to flourish in life. That includes preparing children with critical fundamental and in depth knowledge and skill such as language, logic and math, science and most of all to be able to critically view and to think for themselves based on that they critically observe. Once you bring in ideological messaging into schools you divert from this and push separete agenda. You're consciously adding bias onto the critical viewing. The most damaging effect is that it takes away from being able to think for themselves, something that all ideology contributes to and its a set of pre-determined beliefs that you get served on a silver plate ready to be swallowed. And it shifts effort away from time spent focusing on critical knowledge and skill. Children are in a natural developmental phase where their minds are easily shaped so transferring any ideology is going to be fairly easy. So there is an element of deliberateness to wanting to bring value shaping elements into school environments. You can interpret and read into this as being against everything that a given ideology says, but that's not it and that's adding biased meaning on top of what I'm saying. It's not negating whatever good or bad messaging is packaged into that ideology. It's just negating a second agenda in favor of developmental growth and critical learning. From this perspective, this dad is pointing towards wanting his children to exit with great knowledge and great prospect of doing great things based on that knowledge. And the ideological content that takes focus away from this will lower the standards of the fundamental teaching and the results that desired level of knowledge is depending on. He of course is coming from a certain position which causes him to react, and he himself might be imposing ideology onto his children and finding this is interfering with that. But that's also besides the point of above. The balancing act for school leadership and teachers becomes the inclusion of high sense of morale to such a degree that it does include humanism in terms of openness to individuality and respect towards choice of expression, without specifically pushing any branch of individuality as favored. Quite a challenging balancing act.
  18. @Farnaby Ay, we're not negating each other Respecting the complexity in any given situation, any option or approach is one tool in our toolbox, and there's an AND-relationship between all tools, they do not negate or replace each other, they can be freely combined to produce desired outcomes more efficiently. The more tools in the toolbox, and the more complex own sense-making we apply to any given situation, that makes that situation easy/easier to solve in a constructive way, that very likely help building relationships rather than risk of polarization. Introspection isn't about self-blame and self-judgement, if that's what we're doing then it's not introspection, it's self-bashing happening. Ultimately it's us assessing ourselves and there is always great risk of self-bias, and our ability to more soberly assess ourselves happens when taking ourselves out of the heat of the moment and doing that assessment when we're calm and settled. To become aware of new aspects, and there's always new aspects to become aware of, calls for stretching our sense-making which happens under constructive circumstances. Essentially it's stopping in the moment, to analyze, assess the situation more deeply, then take action. We all know that action without taking that time results in autonomous behaviors, which means we act out of existing behavioral patterns without reassessing the underlying data. AND this doesn't negating setting outward boundaries. Just pointing towards the 99 out of 100 times where a situation or interaction is more complex than one guy being perfect and the other an A-hole - and that it's our job to learn to see what wisdom is hiding, waiting to be found behind those 99 other ones
  19. @Farnaby Absolutely, it's just that with greater understanding and wider perspective, the options available to us are more than likely other than the obvious default ones that are right in front of us, which usually are too simplistic to be closer to what's true, and less effective in creating permanent change. This can of course be paired with maintaining outward boundaries, but if it's being us that is overly sensitive, acting outwardly on overly sensitive inward emotion "rashs" that causes us to misinterpret the intentions or the absense of intention in other's behaviors, then it's us adding drama for no apparent reason. I'm not saying this is the case, but switching to looking at others, since it's easier to see this in others than in self, how often isn't it that others act seemingly irrational toward nonsense or non-existing situations, apparently misinterpretating anything that is happening to such a degree that you wonder if they're doing that misinterpretation on purpose, which of course is not the case. This is what you can catch with introspection, and this is where we're responsible to intervene with our own egos and take action against self. And this is what we want. To increase the complexity of our own sense making so that we over time can grow an expanding understanding of the world, making new interpretations and as a result, new options become available to us. And of course, if you choose to not respond to a regularly occurring phenomena that is infringing on our space, and just switch to introspection, then we're procrastinating. We need to be actionable, it's just that we want to resort to high quality actions and not knee-jerk responses, and also acknowledge that no-action is a perfectly viable option. I.e. developmental growth - where we perceive a problem, there's a growth opportunity that we're not seeing
  20. @Chris_Esoteric You'd do yourself a huge favor to create the intention to not compare yourself with others. Catching yourself in the moment when you do, and just remind yourself of your intention and aborting that thought process, building a strong habit of not falling into comparison, which also means less judging of others as they're often intertwined. Needless to say that quitting social media tools, which basically centers around showing fake realities and comparing our mundane lives against other's seemingly perfect moments helps a lot in this process.
  21. @assx95 There is a third option that you learn more from that is related to what it was that you felt disrespected around, how you relate to that subject, what it was within you that triggered you, and if it's disrespect from other, victimhood within you or a combination of both. If we're throwing around simple answers we're typically fooling ourselves as any given interaction with any given other is much more complex than what first meets the eye. So the third option that you don't include is introspect, into yourself, and examining how you relate to this feeling of disrespect and also contemplate the perspective of other, the person that you think disrespected you, and how it would have been perceived by someone else that wouldn't have been triggered by whatever perceived disrespectful act that was thought being committed. Truly letting go needs to be preceeded by acceptance of what is, which stands on a foundation of introspection, and not as an act to let something "slide" . The latter is not letting go and rather ignoring the feeling of one's outwards boundaries having been overstepped and adds to building resentment towards other. You don't mention what it was with the way he spoke to you that triggered you, so hard to do other than generalize around what a good process to facilitate personal growth is (above).
  22. One could imagine that she's adding resistence out of fear of feeling abondonmant, which is probably just natural for any parent, but here takes on an unhearly manifestation based on her skewed view on reality whereas other parents would be proud of the accomplishments you are making in that process. Not allowing her input to limit you in you fulfilling dreams in your life is a definite yes. If that completely involves cutting ties or just leaving and see where the relationship shifts towards post-leaving leaves some space to manuever the relationship. Maybe that fear, if so, settles down after the fact, maybe not. The only thing you can do it to be short, determined and consistent, and not go into argumentation around what you do in your life. It's not hers to define and there is no argument to be had. Are there two questions in this? Your moving away and feeling stifled and limited by your mother and what to do - and - your concern about her behavior spiraling out of control during the pandemic, and that situation risk worsening if you leave, hence a sense of guilt?
  23. @RMQualtrough It's only as complicated as we make it. Put a note that says "Am meditating - please do not disturb me" on the ground in front of you. Poblem solved.
  24. Well, that's just the nature of human development. For one, development isn't linear. Sometimes it's slowly but steadily moves forward with ongoing effort. As this happens it's not really always noticed/seen as development, the shifts are small and more or less taken for granted, unless able to become aware of such shifts, even in the slightest change of thought, or perhaps relation to emotion. It could be someone saying something that you accept as new without consciously registering it, but it adds to your overall meaning making. Other times development makes large leaps with specific new insights around such beliefs or blindspots that shifts large portions of what we previously held as true but that some key relevation has proven incorrect. These feel amazing, but they can also result in an off-putting feeling in the sense that they can make small shift feel nonsensical and trivial and the desire to achieve more such land-sliding leaps. These leaps are typically connected to significant challenges of ours. Pursuing more and greater challenges of ours offer more leaps. The bigger the challenge, the bigger the leap. You could say accelerating development is choosing to address the greatest challenges we know, and of course becoming aware of what challenges us. And finally, development does plateau now and again, seemingly coming to a halt. The awareness and acceptance that this is natural helps us to accept this when it happens, and it will, regularly so, and to keep pressing on with developmental practices. There's usually something we need to become aware of that we don't yet see, so keeping up awareness of what is happening, doing contemplation, introspection, self-inquiry, journaling and so on, the the next step will appear sooner or later. Life has a tendency to bring what we need at the time we need it/are ready for it. Situations will arise, and they tend to unfold in a certain order. We just need to be mindful of that moment and able to be willing to see in new ways, so that we are able to pickup on the hints and clues that allows us to push further. See how being neurotic and stuck in your head procrastinating a perceived problem shifts you away from what's is/growth opportunities and into your head staying stuck processing stuff that won't get you anywhere useful. That's a signal telling you need to pickup on, and to switching to introspection. Maybe building a stronger introspection capability is a helpful step? I'm sure Leo has a video about that and there's heaps of resources elsewhere. And this is existence pushing you closer and closer to a breaking point, a tipping point. It is your fuel to keep on pressing further. And paradoxically, is till get worse before liberation, much like the contractions for a pregnant woman increasing in frequency and intensity, culminating with delivery of her child. You're literally in the womb of life and going through the contractions and when it seemingly seems getting worse you suddenly may find yourself being shat out on "the other side". As with the pregnancy case, the awareness of this being a process and there being an amazing revelation at the end of that process makes the process tolerable. That faith help us keep going. You don't find it tolerable. It just hurts. Seems meaningless and neverending. And there's no guarantee of any delivery. The best thing we can do is to let go, breath and flow with the process to not make it more painful than it needs to be. Still hurts though. But you know (believe) there's another side, but only if you are willing to let go of what you think is true right now, and willing to replace that belief with new ones. That being a part of the process. Don't be neurotic about your neurosis. If you are neurotic, consistenrly explore the content of that neurotic behaviors. Be aware when you build that neurosis up and stop, then consistently shift towards introspection. Building a good habit of breaking negative thought processes, and builds habit to switch to positive and constructive thought processes. As you've figured out already, no one can tell you. If it was as easy as having someone tell you, psychological problems wouldn't exist. All these pointers and indicators is all you get. You need to do the hard labour. You can accumulate new pointers as your perspective shifts, and a rough path will manifest. Gaining the awareness and understanding that there is something true in these pointers, and the recognition that you don't get it and don't have the answers yet, that's a prerequisite to go further, allows for a more open mind that wants to accept shifts. Without that awareness, you'd stuck in believing what you experience is absolut, or can't change, and that you have to change to fit in, becoming leader material, being great at socializing and making friends, being a female attractor, and so on. This list of desires will be neverending building onto itself if going this route. With that awareness, you have the ability to catch yourself in the moment of whatever it is that is stirring inside you, and introspect around what it feels like, where it feels, and what the underlying causes for you to feel that way could be, and finally release that though, only to start over with the next trigger. Introspection not being pracrastination on the problem, but like a detective examine the crime scene for hints and clues, patters matching previous similar event, common denominators, examining the trigger and where triggers might have first appeared, where social programming comes in, your own biases, judgements, and preferences, parental transference of behaviors and values, and so on, the aspects are endless. This will increase your awareness of self, to a deeper and deeper extent, and at some point you will be connecting dots previously not connected, and new dots will become visible. It's like a puzzle, trying to match pieces up so that you can see parts of the bigger picture. It's just that out of the box there are pieces missing that needs to be found. There are also pieces that are upside-down with the blank side showing. It's all about being curious to find... more. The expectation that others could give you an answer to your question is faulty. Only you can figure out which pieces of that puzzle is missing, and that will break that loop, at least this current loop, this time around, and you gain momentum, until you once again plateau. With all this said, you imply you having the awareness that you need to shift something in how you function and see things, and you imply that those pointers make sense to you, but not knowing what to do next. That's perfect. Maybe all you need is the assurance that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and the unfolding of your reality is presenting you with plenty of opportunities to introspect and to try something new that challenges your current beliefs - you still do believe all that stuff that makes you suffer and that's keeping you stuck. There are no simple answers or solutions. This is a process and there is no way you can skip to the end of that process.
  25. There can be only pointers and concepts. We can believe in the concepts and fool ourselves, and at such degree that concepts turn into beliefs turns into dogma, and from where you can't tell the difference between belief and reality. That of course not being it. Or, use the pointers, concepts as indicators loosely, accepting there being something else to find out, fuel to go further, to press on, to be curious and to experiment in real life, through introspection and through action and the contemplation of the new or different experience that follows, and noticing how the experience shifts based on understanding and expectations. Then just keep going, let go of who you think you want to be and allow something more authentic emerge in that process. Describing the perceived destination (never an end station) is never as complete or correct as experiencing it yourself. And when you do, it will appear ridiculesly simple, laughably so. But that's not the case from where you see it, now. You maybe can't accept letting go of wanting to be a leader. But you can examine that feeling when it happens, not riding along with it but looking at it as if from a third person perspective, as if you were someone else, and make new sense as that is happening. If you procrastinate around the desire, that desire will grow stronger, and the discrepancy between desired reality and what is will exacerbate the suffering you experience in that process. "Doing the work" is going through this process, and there are no shortcuts, but roadblocks can stall us for more or less time. Approaching it with an inefficient process, it takes more time, or you might get stuck running in circles. Approach it with a more efficient process and it will take less time than it would otherwise. The only desire you need is the curiosity to see what comes next, and keep going, until you reach a tipping point where it becomes seemingly effortless and essentially unfold itself, pulling you along with it, where it needs to go. That of course doesn't mean it won't hurt, because it will, development/growth is painful.