Farnaby
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Posts posted by Farnaby
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@John Iverson IME, the more you accept the constantly changing emotions, without distracting yourself or trying to suppress them in some way, the more you have access to "positive" emotions and especially to an underlying blissful state of calmness.
For me, this helps me get out of inaction faster and gives me a boost in energy.
What you described sounds about right. Maybe try to not attach too much to the good feelings because there will inevitably be moments where they aren't present. But by being present with all of your emotions, the ones that don't feel good won't keep you stuck and will actually help you know yourself better.
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4 hours ago, Dodo said:The universe is teaching me true Love, the love where you have to let go, rather than grasp at something.
This is a healthy lesson to learn. At your age, I was far from learning it, so props to you!
Be careful with this tf idea though. As you noticed, most of us got the vibe of neediness and obsession from your posts. It's easy to believe you've met your twin flame when you get attached to a person who you feel "gets you".
Especially at your age, people usually don't have a lot of experience with romantic relationships. This can lead to you feeling that the first person with whom you connect is "the one".
Whatever you do, respect her signals for you to back off and her boundaries. If you don't you will suffer even more and can get into legal trouble.
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I think it's easy to seduce us in general. Unless you act too clingy or too weird, it's a dream come true to be approached by a woman lol. Doesn't matter if it's through text.
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@Megan Alecia there's a difference between doing things selflessly out of genuine caring and doing things for other people with a subtle agenda/expectation in mind.
The second one is a coping mechanism and it's purpose is to be liked by people, but you get angry when you feel like people don't care about you or don't show gratitude.
When care comes without expectations, you can also feel bad if you're the only one investing in the relationship. But that's a healthy reaction because realtionships need to be balanced and a two way street. The difference is that this is not a coping mechanism used to be liked by people. It doesn't come from a place of lack but from abundance. It's the difference between doing something for another person because you feel good and doing it because you're afraid they won't like you if you don't.
Another important part is to accept that we're all "selfish" in one way or another. As I said, people pleasing is actually done for "selfish" needs, even if it doesn't look like selfishness.
My guess is that there's some emotional wound around feeling that people don't care about you. When you see people acting "selfishly" this gets triggered.
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@Pallero Yes, I agree that the ideal state to be able to accurately read the signals of other people is when you're feeling relaxed.
However, I've had positive results even when I was feeling anxious. Not talking about pick up or stuff like that because I'm not into that. But I've been on dates or just met new people and even if I was anxious, it often turned out good. It's true that you feel inhibited, contracted, etc., but IME you can still connect with people even if it's not ideal.
Actually, waiting until you feel relaxed can be a trap for anxious people, because if you tend to feel anxious around people, this is usually deeply rooted and will probably get triggered every time you meet new people. Also, because waiting for that perfect moment is like a confirmation for your brain that "this is dangerous". For me, trying to do what I'm afraid of anyways, embracing the fear, grounding myself, etc., has worked better than waiting for the perfect moment when I finally won't feel anxious/in my head.
But I agree that whenever anxiety is present, you have to be careful and not believe every thought that you have.
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41 minutes ago, Pallero said:True. There are different kinds of signals. The “I’m repelled by you” signal will feel like a rejection. Then there are other types of situations. Like “not now, I’m stressed” or “I’m not in the mood” or “you seem suspicious”. You’ll feel held at a distance by the other person but not necessarily pushed away. That’s a sign to stop and reevaluate your approach.
Yep, that's true. The problem is that having struggled with social anxiety (which I still do, but less) signals are often misinterpreted.
It's easy to think "she doesn't like me" and stop the conversation, when she actually is just holding you at distance or not even that. Maybe she just had a bad day and it has nothing to do with you.
I would say if you are feeling anxious, you need to be careful and not interpret your thoughts and feelings as the truth.
There's this mantra "if it doesn't feel right it isn't." IME that's often true but also often not the case. An anxious brain will interpret perfectly normal things as if something was wrong.
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Yep, it sucks to develop a strong attachment to someone only to find out that person doesn't want to be with you.
It hurts a lot. Chasing her is an attempt to not feel that pain by trying to fulfill your fantasy but it will only make things worse. No one likes being chased in a needy way and you can even face legal problems.
Be careful with all these soulmate, twin flame and all concepts in general. It's easy to develop obsessions and delusions if your emotions latch onto these concepts.
I think therapy would benefit you a lot by helping you navigate this pain without acting out and also by helping you improve your self-esteem.
Good luck!
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1 hour ago, Pallero said:It's creepy because it feels unnatural. Like, "Why would you approach me and give me a compliment? You don't even know me." It feels like an attack.
I prefer to be approached in an organic and natural way, through a common interest for example. Pushiness is a no-no. It's good to be attuned and feel the vibes of the other person at all times, and drop it if you get a "go away" signal.
^ This.
However, sometimes the "go away signal" doesn't mean you have to drop it completely. It can mean that this is not the right time or that the way you're approaching isn't working. Sometimes it does though.
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23 minutes ago, mandyjw said:One approach is to really sit with the awkward silence feeling until you're more comfortable with it. Then what you do say will be more spontaneous and less effortful.
This is an important part of it. But, personally, I've found that it's better to do this on your own (during meditation for example). I've tried it with people and I just get more uncomfortable and less spontaneous as the silence grows longer.
What works for me is to ground myself whenever I'm getting too caught up in my head, hold eye contact with the person, listen to what he/she's saying and if something resonates and I feel the urge to say something, say it without second-guessing myself. Then you can adjust by watching their response to what you said. By observing their reaction, you can kind of know how you're doing.
I also agree with those who said to find a balance between listening and talking.
For me, one of the most important aspects is to learn to deal with the shame of doing/saying something silly. By doing this, you can become confident in your own imperfection and in my experience, it can make the interaction flow smoothly and become funny. Personally, I prefer people who sometimes do/say silly things and we can all laugh about it over people who are trying hard to seem flawless.
Working on your body language helps a lot too. Personally, when I'm too much in my head, I tend to "contract", avoid eye contact, look at my phone, etc. Catch yourself if you do these kind of things and try to do the opposite: breathe into your tense body, occupy more space, try to talk a little louder, sustain eye contact and so on.
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@Rajneeshpuram Hey! I think @DefinitelyNotARobot pointed you in the right direction.
What makes you keep playing if you have the feeling that you're wasting your energy?
Yes, there are trolls in games and it's easy to get tilted in online games. But I'm pretty sure there's always some personal emotional wound that's getting triggered when we get angry while playing a game.
You have two choices, put all the responsibility on your teammates (who btw will probably keep having games where you feel they're trolling) or you can dig deeper into yourself and see what unhealed aspect in yourself gets triggered when you lose.
You can also inspect your core beliefs about the world. Do you maybe believe that people will let you down and losing a game confirms this? Or maybe you feel like people should never let you down and value your effort and when they don't you get triggered?
I reccomend digging deeper instead of blaming your teammates. On a more superficial level you may also be contributing to the lose through your anger in some way (maybe flaming or paying more attention to what your teammates are doing wrong instead of your own plays, etc.).
Games are a valuable source of information about your psychology, if you are willing to look past the obvious.
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@Evil Raccoon well, to each their own. I don't see how playing with your body makes you "beta". Seems like a judgement from the ego.
However, if complete abstinence from masturbation works for you, that's great.
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I've never done NoFap, because it seems too restricting (like not eating sugar anymore and stuff like that).
What I've tried a few times is stop watching porn and try to only masturbate when I'm really horny, not just as another distraction. That felt more healthy to me than watching porn frequently.
I see no point in completely repressing my instincts. Like with every other thing in life, moderation is the way to go IMO.
@Evil Raccoon why do you feel masturbating isn't normal?
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@Nahm just a question: how do you distinguish what you really want from all the layers that are probably above those authentic desires?
So, for instance, someone with an avoidant attachment style may feel the need to isolate from people. If you ask that person what he/she wants in that moment, they will probably say "be alone". But that's probably not his/her authentic desire right?
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@28 cm unbuffed that's a good step, to be aware of the context in which your impulse to smoke gets triggered and to notice the association with a feeling of being "cool".
I totally get that, because usually completely ascetic people are judged by society as "boring", "not cool", etc.
I'm not sure but I think I see a relationship in your case between "smoking is cool" and the need to fit in. You can inspect what comes to your mind when you imagine being in those social situations without smoking.
The important part here isn't the rational thoughts, but the actual feeling. Would you feel as comfortable as you do when you smoke? If not, what would be different?
Maybe these questions and trying it out and see how you feel can help you get to the root of the habit.
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@28 cm unbuffed to discover the emotions that you learnt to distract yourself from through smoking, I suggest next time you want to smoke you pause and notice and write down all your thoughts, feelings (even if it's emotional numbness) and sensations.
Doesn't matter if you end up smoking, but don't skip this step and do it as often as possible.
Another benefit you get from this is being able to tolerate the discomfort that arises when not smoking for a little bit longer every time.
Also, explore what other habits are associated to smoking. Usually there are some rituals involved. By being aware of them you can decide to break the cycle.
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@Preety_India Thanks for your input.
Honestly, that's kind of what I've learnt to do. Except the being straightforward part because I tend to avoid getting vulnerable with these people.
However, I don't want to completely cut contact with my family. I've already been pretty avoidant of them for a long time and that doesn't feel good either. They can also be quite loving (they actually express more love towards me than I do towards them), but there's a tendency to get into bad vibes (fights, judgement, passive aggressiveness) pretty easily and that's why I prefer to be by myself.
I will try to be more upfront and see what happens.
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Hey!
Whenever someone says something that hurts my feelings I tend to act as if it doesn't affect me. I fake smile, joke about it, etc. Other times I counter-attack, usually after having acted like it isn't a big deal for a while.
I'm thinking of a particular situation that happens quite often. It has to do with my brother judging me and sending the message that I'm not good enough for some reason or another.
When this happens I feel sad and angry and tend to what I said before and then I shut down and become kind of an "island".
I know the ideal thing to do would be to honestly express how this affects me, but often times when I've tried it I've felt like the other person doesn't take responsibility and keeps doing it anyways, even if in the moment he/she may apologize.
How do y'all deal with these kind of situations?
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1 hour ago, Preety_India said:The example that I gave was in the context of an obstruction, for example, you have an opportunity for a great job waiting for you.
@Preety_India Oh I see, I was thinking about it in a more black/white way, as in: "if I shouldn't go against my first impulse, I shouldn't talk more to my family if I don't feel like it".
Yes you're right that pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing things for the important people in my life usually feels good and I feel more proud of myself. But I can't help sometimes feeling like it's a chore, especially when people don't respond well to my boundaries. It feels like having to do it to not hurt their feelings without actually wanting to do it.
I'll definitely try out what you suggested. I can already feel a part of me rebelling against trying to convince myself that I genuinely want to make them happy lol.
I think you have pretty good intuition and would be a good therapist/healer/etc.
@Zigzag Idiot Thank you for sharing that!
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@Preety_India Thanks for the time you took to analyze this situation. What you described is actually pretty similar to what happens inside me: on one hand I feel like if I do something that feels like a chore, I build up resentment and feel like I'm going against my own needs. On the other hand, if I don't do it I feel like I'm neglecting them and kind of planting bad seeds for the relationship which will end up hurting me in the long run.
I'm a bit confused about this though:
11 hours ago, Preety_India said:Have you caught yourself feeling obstructed when you wanted to say or do something. And you just recoiled back and hesitated and never tried because of that obstruction. This is where you know it's your onion self operating. Not your real self.
Isn't that exactly what I would be doing if I prioritize their needs for affection despite it feeling a bit like a chore?
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@Preety_India yeah, I actually talk to myself a lot, asking myself if this or that feels like the right thing to do, if it's bringing me forward in life, etc.
This sure is a complex process of removing onion layers like you said.
I tend to get confused if what I'm feeling is coming from my authentic self or from some coping mechanism. To clarify it through an example:
I don't really like talking a long time on the phone, unless the conversation is really stimulating. But some people in my life (my parents and girlfriend mainly) "complain" about me not wanting to talk to them, not showing enough interest, etc. Now, is that lack of desire to talk with them coming from my true self or is it something else?
In this kind of situation I've experimented with mainly two different approaches and I'm not sure which one is more in tune with my authenticity:
- Keep talking even if I don't really want to. This sometimes opens up possibilities for nice communication, but often leaves me feeling like I'm going against my needs.
- Tell the other person as politely as I can that I'm not in the mood to talk any longer. If this gets accepted and understood, I feel good. If the other person doesn't seem to like it, I feel like I'm the one who's weird for not wanting to talk. In a nutshell, I feel like I'm the bad one. I also tend to get angry because it feels like what I can naturally give without forcing myself is never enough for some people.
In this scenario, what would you say is the more authentic thing to do?
@Leo Gura lol, true. I hope these shoes will soon start to feel more comfortable
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@Preety_India Yeah I feel like that's a pretty accurate analysis. It resonates with me.
So, in a sense, you're saying that lifting the barrier is some kind of decision? This may be a weird question but how can you tell your true essence from onion layers?
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@Preety_India hey! Thanks for your perspective, I really like hearing a woman's point of view.
Yep, I think the principles part is very important.
The problem I'm constantly facing in this process is that one of my principles is to be as authentic as possible. So, since I've been acting in a shy way for the last 15 years or so, it kind of feels a bit fake/forced when I act more confidently. But I think that's just the anxiety because of the resistance to change, because I don't consider myself shy in essence, it's just a consequence of me not being relaxed, being in my mind, etc.
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@hoodrow trillson If you got the phenotype, lucky you. But I don't think that's the only way to be attractive. If you're average or above average physically, you can easily compensate for not being a 10 physically by working on your psychology.
Even if you're below average, but the less attractive physically, the more you need to be charismatic, funny, spontaneous, etc. IMO.
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@Roy Thank you!
@w4read Thanks! Happy to hear I'm not the only one with this inner conflict lol
Actually, I'm not sure if I'm an introvert. I think deep down I'm more extroverted than the way I act, but I have trouble getting into that state.
It sure feels like I'm on the right track though, so I guess it's a matter of trial and error and trying to be as authentic as possible.
in Mental Health, Serious Emotional Issues
Posted
@Shmurda I think both things are true: weed CAN be a tool to do shadow work and weed can also not harmonize well with your brain chemistry and personality.
Personally, I've experienced both and also thought that maybe one day I will be able to enjoy it without the paranoia. But honestly, 8/10 times there was some paranoia and/or insecurity involved. So it wasn't healthy for me to keep smoking, because I would become socially awkward and also get paranoid about my physical health (I actually used to get a racing heart and high blood pressure quite often when smoking).
@Nahm is right. And at the same time, I think some people don't tolerate some substances well. Because as much as I could be in a good set/setting, weed could give me unhealthy physical effects. Of course overthinking them is something I could learn to stop, but why put my body under such a stress?