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Everything posted by Farnaby

  1. @dflores321 the fact that you're aware of the pattern is already a big step. Try to introduce some space between the impulse to fill the void and the action. That way, you can increase your tolerance to uncomfortable feelings and maybe get more clear on what it is you're lacking and trying to fill. In my case weed was holding me back quite a bit in a not so obvious way so I would try to cut that down to weekends or something like that.
  2. @SamC yep, it's a paradox. If you can't accept yourself, accept that and you get unstuck and are actually accepting yourself 😉 You can also use moments where you feel something you don't like, like jealousy or greed to practice compassion for other people who feel that way. By doing that you are also incressing your compassion for yourself. Not forcing is the key IMO.
  3. @SamC IMO modesty has to happen spontaneously. If you force yourself to be modest it's like forcing yourself to be less selfish. You're doing it from a place of self rejection and selfishness (i.e to feel like a better person). By accepting yourself the way you are, these qualities like modesty, altruism, honesty, compassion, etc. tend to happen naturally. At least that's my experience.
  4. @mandyjw oh okay, I thought you meant letting go of identification with thoughts is the solution to all mental problems. I actually do think there is some truth to that, even if it seems simplistic. And I completely agree about the purpose of a diagnosis. Unfortunately, most people get attached to their diagnosis.
  5. @Strangeloop I would explore the motivation/emotion you were feeling in order to say something like that without having built enough trust with the girl. That's definitely something that will make most women feel unsafe. Some people have this belief that they are creepy, which works like a self fulfilling prophecy and they act in weird ways. So it's a kind of self sabotaging acting out. Self-sabotaging is a coping mechanism that stems from fear. For instance, you can be afraid of being rejected by being yourself so you do things that lead to that because that way you feel in control and it feels familiar. What needs to be felt in that case is the underlying emotions of the wounded inner child. If you want to connect with women, you need to learn how to be in your body, go with the flow, not second guess yourself too much and of course explore that belief about women being sexual objects. It's impossible to have empathy for someone if you see them like an object.
  6. @flowboy wow, thanks for the in-depth advice! I'm actually a therapist myself lol (you sound like one too^^). Not CBT but I know how it works. It's been 5 years or more since my last mushroom trip. Right now I prefer to approach this sober, but I may trip later this year. I will look into the stuff you mentioned. In my case I think my mother was emotionally available but she's the fearful/worrier kind and tends to take many things personal (victim mindset). My father is even more fearful, but he used to shut down emotionally and punish everyone with silence. He still does it to some degree. Also very stuck in victim mindset. Maybe that's why I don't have a lot of compassion for people who are in victim mindset lol. I'm sure there's some "trauma" there that could explain what I'm experiencing with my girlfriend. The relationship with my girlfriend is pretty good communication-wise, except for this part. And you're right about the self-fulfilling prophecy because I used to destroy my previous relationships because of lack of trust and lack of self-confidence. That has gotten much much better, but what I'm describing here may very well be a milder version of that lack of trust, like you said. It's as if I become avoidant when she's anxious and depending too much on me and I get anxious when she's more self-absorbed. What I mean by not bringing this topic up is not completely hiding it or repressing it, but working through it on my own until I release the stories and uncomfortable emotions, so I can relate to her from a better vibe which seems to work as a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. Not sure if that makes sense lol.
  7. Hi everyone! There's a recurrent situation that I suspect may have more to do with my own wounding than my girlfriend. When we go through a phase where I feel physically and emotionally disconnected from her, I start feeling uncomfortable and try to work through it on my own until it gets too much and I tell her how I'm feeling and what is causing me trouble in the relationship. I express it respectfully (such as "I'm feeling disconnected, I miss feeling that you're turned on by me, etc."), but in that situation you can tell I'm upset because of my non verbal language. This in turn makes her feel bad, leading to more disconnection and apologies from her that make me feel even worse. I'm pretty sure a big part of this is my own insecurities being triggered and I'm working on that, but at the same time I think it's important not to hide that something is not working for me in those phases, because even if I hide it, it manifests in my behavior. Has anyone else experienced this? Any tips on how to express needs without creating more problems? Idk maybe the best thing is to not talk about what's missing for me and just work on being in a good mood so the connection happens spontaneously.
  8. @flowboy thanks a lot for your advice! I'm not sure what comes first. I'm not even sure if I need more sex or more intimacy. I think I need to feel that everything is ok and that usually happens when we're connected, in a good mood, etc. Behaviors that trigger it: when she becomes more irritable or self absorbed (although I'm usually the more avoidant one) doesn't want to engage in anything sexual. Story in my head: "she's becoming less and less attracted to me", "I'm doing something wrong/don't know how to turn her on", "If I tell her she's going to feel worse and it won't solve anything". I actually don't have any proof and when I bring this up she always says she's still attracted to me, she's just stuck in negativity/worries/stress. She also apologizes and starts worriying that I will leave her. The problem is I have trouble believing that (I tend to think she says that to not hurt my feelings) and I tend to blame myself for not being able to ignite the spark.
  9. @mandyjw That's interesting. Do you imply that every mental health "problem" should just be treated by teaching how to observe the mind without mistaking it for reality and without trying to change thoughts and feelings (like in meditation)?
  10. @PepperBlossoms I think most of these rules are survival responses. If someone yells at us, he/she is a threat, so our nervous system can go into fight/flight (escaping or fighting back) or shut-down (avoidance, numbness) in order to protect ourselve. I don't think that's a conscious decision, it just happens automatically. Depending on previous experiences, we tend to go more into sympathetic arousal (fight/flight) or parasympathetic (shut-down). I do think, however, that all this can be explored consciously and we can train ourselves to distinguish when the threat is real and when it's a projection from the past, in order to move through that energy and get back to safety and connection. Polyvagal Theory goes into this in great depth
  11. Hi! Do you guys think some people are more conscious than others or is that just a thought from the ego so that we feel like we're more advanced than other people? I tend to think of people who blame the world for their problems and project their anger and so on as less conscious but maybe that's just my ego speaking lol
  12. Thanks everyone for your input. I pretty much agree with most of what you said. It's also clear to me that identifying too much with the belief "some people are less conscious than me", can shape my reality in a not so joyful way, whereas seeing it more nuanced lets me enjoy every relationship for what it is. @Forestluv I love this topic. I think you're right that many problems that manifest physically can be improved through working on our minds, psychology and so on, but we shouldn't assume every illness is entirely psychosomatic. Would love to know more about the kind of facilitators you're talking about. You mean stuff like reiki or somatic experiencing? @Scholar thanks for the insight. I still have trouble seeing the "I'm the Creator" part in my direct experience. I do see however how our beliefs and so on work as a self fulfilling prophecy and influence our reality.
  13. @BipolarGrowth IME this is a phase that comes and goes. I think of it as another thought story from the ego that needs to feel special, different from other people, etc. I do think that many people numb their consciousness more often than others, but I'm not sure that means they are generally less conscious. Maybe they embody some spiritual stuff more than we think. When this thought story is transcended, you can start to appreciate every relationship for what it is.
  14. @krockerman in my experience the root cause of suffering is resisting the unfolding of reality. If your present experience is unpleasant and you resist that you suffer. If you accept it, you may feel all sorts of unpleasant stuff, but it will flow through you. I've personally not experienced 24/7 of joy, but every time I fall back into suffering I can see how I'm resisting reality in some way. When I let go of that resistance, joy comes naturally. Not saying this is the only root of suffering but at least for someone who has his basic needs met, and who isn't being tortured or something extreme like that, I would argue that we create our own suffering by resisting what is. Pleasure comes from fulfilling desires, but I think there's truth in the statement "joy is our natural state".
  15. @jerrypua "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer. I liked that one better than The power of now.
  16. @aklacor727 Oh I understand your first post better now. Yes, you're right that forgiving on the mental level is one thing, but your body may not feel ready to open up again yet. In that case, I think couples therapy + a trauma informed/trained therapist for your own therapy would be a good idea. Also, while it's important to keep each other emotions in mind, you can't really control if he will feel rejected, insecure, etc. That's probably his stuff he needs to work through. At the same time, as a guy who has felt that way, I agree that communication can go a long way, because otherwise the awkwardness, the subtle tension and disconnection, while pretending that everything's fine can be very triggering (not saying that you're doing that, just something from my experience in case it helps you). When we're triggered or shut-down, it's usually not a good time to start problem solving. But when you feel that way, you can let him know how you're feeling and decide to find a time to talk through all this stuff when you're both in a more grounded state.
  17. @Forestluv @Leo Gura hmm, that's interesting. Don't you think that when you're in an enlightened state and see your ego for what it is, most neuroses lose their power over you? IME, more awareness = less "toxic" behaviors, less anxieties and less monkey mind.
  18. Thank you @Forestluv @Leo Gura , that's how I see it too. I was also thinking about this topic on a more societal level. For instance, I think that some people are more aware of their patterns and taking more responsibility over them than the average person.
  19. @aklacor727 This is one of the questions that is on my mind very often. I agree with @Eph75 . We often think we need certain things (such as having freedom to leave our clothes on the floor) and when we really explore these things, they are often needs from another developmental stage that we are clinging to but that aren't actually good for us. Not saying one has to give up those "needs" but I think it's important to honestly ask oneself if that is a real need we have to pursue to feel fulfilled or if it comes from ego (i.e "I don't want people to tell me how I should do stuff so I rebel against that"). There are needs that I think are more complex. Let's say one partner has a higher sex drive than the other one. It's easy to get triggered and become pushy if you're the one with the higher libido, but that will only make your partner close down. IME, by relaxing, letting go, becoming present to what's unfolding and taking full responsibility over your sexual needs, you don't need to force things and that often leads your partner to open up again. And if he/she doesn't and it's a recurrent issue, you can try different stuff (couples therapy, work on communicating better, exploring which dynamics aren't helping or even consider breaking up if it's a deal breaker for you). IMO one has to decide how important those needs are, but not only listen to the ego.
  20. @RichnNL yes, I kind of agree that stuffing your mind full of spiritual concepts and so on can be a form of avoiding your "problems". I think it's important to work on your "material life", without forgetting that nothing is permanent and you have to be careful not to get lost in the rat race pursuing material achievments that will only distract you from the inner void.
  21. @RoerAmit I think trying yo accept ourselves can easily become a trap, because you are trying to accept yourself to become something that you aren't yet, so by trying to accept yourself you actually are doing the opposite than accepting yourself (not sure if that makes sense lol). I like Alan Watts take on this. He says something like "don't try to accept yourself more than you can right now". What works for me is noticing when I'm lost in a thought story about myself or other people and bring my attention back to the present moment and relax. That way, you start to let go of stuff you usually are identified with, but you don't force yourself in this process. Also, making space for emotions is important. If your mother judges you or used to do it, it's normal that you get triggered. You are human and stuff will trigger you. What you can do is learn to not resist what's going on inside of you and let your body process those experiences. Hope this helps!
  22. @Striving for more Hi! I'm from Spain. If you're looking for cheap rents, bars, restaurants , good beaches and so on I would recommend the south of Spain (Andalucía). Granada is very nice with lots of stuff to do for young people, ski slopes nearby and the beach is not too far away. Never lived there myself though. Any city in southern Spain will probably be the cheapest you can find. The canary islands aren't too expensive either and they probably have the best climate in Spain. However, I would personally wait a bit until the Covid situation gets a bit better, but that's just me and it's not like we have it worse than other european countries (Germany is getting hit very badly by Covid right now).
  23. Hi! I've heard different opinions on this topic. Some people say you can only be aware of your monkey mind and learn not to fuel it and other people say it's possible to have a completely quiet mind. In my experience, my mind has never been completely quiet. I would describe the most blissful states I've experienced as my mind not sticking to any particular thought, emotion, perception and letting everything flow smoothly. But I don't remember a time where it has been completely empty. Is it actually possible? What is your experience like? Thank you
  24. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences! Maybe I have experimented that "empty mind" state, but it only lasts for a very short period of time. Let's say I notice I'm lost in my thoughts. I can bring my attention back to the present moment, but very quickly my mind will start labeling things I'm perceiving (chair, room, trees, thoughts, cold, warm, etc.). It's definitely not as bad as it was when I got completely identified with the thought stories and emotions, but it's usually not completely quiet either. I do think I spend most of the day being aware that I'm aware and with a certain distance between me and what is happening in my mind and outside, which has helped me let go of a lot of reactions that came from my wounded ego. @Forestluv thank you, I'll check that book out
  25. Hi everyone! I've recently read the book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer and I really liked his down to earth approach to Mindfulness. I've been practicing noticing whenever something triggers me, relaxling and allowing it instead of distracting myself or acting out on it. As soon as I do this, in a few minutes I'm calm and feel more open, with more energy and less shut-down. However, I'm worried if this may be a form of bypassing what I'm feeling when I'm triggered because it's like gently going against my impulse (for example shutting-down or getting into a verbal fight). It would be nice to hear your experiences and what you think of this