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About Farnaby

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  1. @Schnaby how do you feel when he tells you that you dress like a prostitute or he doesn't want you to go out? Be careful so you can discern the actual feeling from the narrative that happens after that ("maybe he's right, maybe he's justified to decide what I should and shouldn't do"). As @LordFall said, anyone who brags about how advanced and enlightened they are and especially anyone who dismisses your POV claiming to be somehow better than you is far from being what he claims to be. Now that you've elaborated a bit more on the situation I can only tell you once again that it's textbook emotional abuse and manipulation. I'm sorry but you won't be able to change him or help him by understanding him. He doesn't seem to be at a point where he could question how he acts the way he does. Even at that point, no one can change him, only he can do it if he's willing to put in the effort and he doesn't seem to be at that stage.
  2. No, you shouldn't do anything that doesn't feel right to you. What you're describing is emotional abuse. You can dress how you want to dress and if it triggers him, it's his problem. He's probably insecure and if he considers you're dressing in a "sexy" way (even if you aren't) he gets scared that he may lose you.
  3. @AwakenedSoul444 I would share with your psychologist how you felt when he told you not to do pick up. How he reacts to something like that is important and talking about this may be important to see if you can trust him and be yourself in therapy. What has worked for me in regards to girlfriends is going after the life I want (studyin something I like, starting hobbies, going out with friends I lime). Eventually someone may catch your attention and if you're lucky and also play your cards well (develop confidence, are funny, etc.) she may also like you. That's how all my long term relationships started and most of my one night experiences (which haven't been many tbh). My long term relationships started in high school, college and when I was doing a masters degree. Only once did I talk to a complete stranger in a night club that I ended up making out with and after that I felt quite empty and back at square 1. I'm not too interested in making out with random girls and then never see them again. It's probably good to learn skills, but it doesn't fulfill me at all. So IMO a good approach is to keep working towards your desired life and create opportunities with girls that you like and that you already have some kind of connection with.
  4. To me that still sounds like fear of failure, just another manifestation of it. Instead of being afraid of being rejected in the short term you are afraid of screwing it up later. I would explore if you've had those kind of experiences where everything seems to be going right and then something bad happens. IMO, the most important part isn't to determine whether it's fear of failure or of success. It is sitting with that fear and getting to know the part of you that could sabotage the potential relationship. I'm sure it's there for a reason. Usually it's trying to protect you from something or trying to give you some sense of control by creating a predictable pattern. You could have learnt that it hurts less to sabotage yourself in case something goes wrong. Because if you didn't sabotage yourself that rejection/failure (or whatever bad outcome it is) can hit you unexpectedly. Whereas if you sabotage yourself you are somehow prepared for that, or at least you think you are. By getting to know your self sabotaging part you can decide if you still need it and if not you can start working on letting it go. Hope this helps!
  5. I agree that psychedelics are very effective and potent. But precisely because of that potency, therapy is the safer approach. It may take longer but there's less of a chance of getting even more traumatized, which can happen with psychedelics because your defense mechanisms aren't so active. Don't get me wrong, I think psychedelics can be a great tool and often give you important insights faster than therapy. Just be cautious if you decide to use them. Also, they won't cure you, you still need to work on what they show you.
  6. @Shubhanshu san therapy might be worth a shot. It's not the same to use therapeutic techniques by yourself than to have another person who can be present with you and guiding you. Especially since we're talking about something that was learnt in relationships with others, I think it would be beneficial to heal it in a relationship. Group therapy would be great as well.
  7. IME trying to suppress it doesn't really work, you will still feel it. It's like rejecting a part of yourself that's there for a good reason, even if it's a reminiscence from the past. That part tried to protect you from feeling as bad as you did and the best way to do that was triggering shame so you don't expose yourself to those situations. I can relate to that shame and haven't been able to heal it completely. For instance, I still feel the fear of talking to strangers. But by facing that fear over and over again and by accepting it when it appears, it doesn't paralize me as much as it did. I think it's certainly possible to heal it completely, but I guess it takes a long time or maybe I haven't gotten to the root of it. Have you tried therapy? I'm also curious if someone has healed such emotional wounds completely.
  8. I have no personal experience with AA but what you said is what I've heard a lot from AA and similar organizations (the cult like aspect and also treating people like they have an illness that will stay with them for life instead of viewing the addiction as a coping mechanism). Personally, I don't agree with that idea of addiction. I think addiction is an attempt to cope with suffering. If you heal the traumas and suffering that's hidden beneath the addiction, I personally think you can completely overcome the addiction. Sure, some people are more impulsive and will tend to have more trouble with this, but I don't think it's impossible. However, I've also seen many people (myself included, just not with alcohol) lying to themselves through thoughts like: "maybe I can learn to consume X in moderation". While it's true that you may be able to do it, you've got to be careful, because this can easily be the addicted part of yourself that's talking. IMO you need a long period of abstinence before being able to drink in moderation. And you need to discover what you're trying to avoid through the drinking, start facing it and creating healthier habits in your daily life. As I said, I don't know too much about AA but I think they do a good job in helping you stay sober long enough so you can incorporate these helathier habits.
  9. @ShugendoRa what do you mean exactly? Are we talking about going to a nudist beach/coming out of the shower at home or does she intentionally show her boobs and ass to people to cause a certain reaction? I would get pretty triggered with the second option as well. I think it would be good to talk about how you feel when she does that with her. Without blaming or judging, just telling her how you feel and see what happens.
  10. @Rasheed maybe. I don't know if I did that. I just know that when I've stopped chasing and worrying about things like having a girlfriend, etc., it has happened. Of course you can't just sit at home playing video games and not taking care of your life and expect your life to be good that way. But I think you would have to be a natural at flirting or veeeery confident to not be perceived as needy or even creepy if you try to flirt with random strangers. That's why I think the psychologist may have a valid point.
  11. I agree that he may have a valid point. Randomly approaching girls with a needy agenda is often perceived like creepy. Also, if you want a girlfriend I don't think pick up is the way to go about it. Not saying it can't work but all my long term relationships have started when I wasn't actively chasing it. It may sound cliché but IME the bwst things happen when you go with the flow and let life go its course without trying to influence the outcomes.
  12. Lol I get what you mean. But to me it's different to be aware of something that I experience (being triggered) vs. self-diagnosing with clinical labels such as depression, bipolar, etc.
  13. @Value you mean without any kind of foreplay? That would probably hurt, let alone get her to orgasm. If you are talking about penetration after foreplay, yes you can make her cum that way. But why do you want to avoid clitoral stimulation? In many sex positions you're going to be stimulating it unvoluntarily anyways through the contact of your pelvis and hers. As others said, you need a lot more than technique. And she also needs to work on her potential insecurities that make it difficult to relax.
  14. @Identity completely normal. At least that has been my experience in every relationship I've been. Maybe the first couple of months in the limerance phase you don't get attracted to other girls, but I don't know any guy in a long term relationship who doesn't find other hot girls hot. It could be that due to how we men function it happens more frequently to us (because we're very visual and women usually need some emotional connection to feel attracted). But I highly doubt it's exclusive to men. My girlfriend finds other guys (in movies or in real life) physically attractive. This can trigger insecurities, sure, but it's a natural thing IMO. Sometimes it's some desire/fantasy that's unfulfilled in the relationship and in that case it could be important to talk about it with your girlfriend. I agree that commitment doesn't mean that you lose your instincts. It means that you value your relationship more than having sex with a random stranger and you don't act out.
  15. @Joel3102 I think he means to integrate your feminine side instead of overcompensating for it like machos do.