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About Farnaby

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  1. As @Consept said, only you can know deep down who you're attracted to. Sexual orientation is more fluid than we use to think. There are of course people who feel 100% straight or 100% gay, but it's not uncommon to not be on either end of the spectrum. Also, attraction is complex, so you can for instance sexually be attracted to women but intelectually or emotionally feel attraction towards a man. However, I have to agree with @Consept and @Chumbimba when they say this looks more like an obsessive rumination about the possibility of being gay, rather than you actually being gay. From the way you write about your experience it's pretty clear that the thought of being gay causes you a lot of anxiety (rightly so if we consider the culture you were raised in). This is typical in obsessive problematics such as OCD. I'm not a fan of such diagnostic labels, but as others have said, this is a common theme in people who have a tendency to ruminate, obsess and feel anxious and usually the fear revolves around the possibility of being gay, whereas gay people are usually more concerned about how society will take it but they are usually pretty sure about who they feel attracted to. In any case, as I said in another reply, the way to stop suffering is the same in both cases: find a safe place where you can observe your thoughts and feelings, asking your inner critic for permission and asking him/her/it to stand aside for a moment. Your inner critic is likely going to resist this "experiment" so reassure it that if things get too overwhelming you'll welcome it back. Do this whenever you are in a safe place and have a little time to get in touch with yourself. If you do this consistently and treat all your parts (the one that has gay thoughts, the one that's scared of being gay, the one that critizices you for having these thoughts, etc.) with compassion, you'll soon feel how your suffering lessens. Don't worry, you will still be in control of your actions. This isn't going to lead you to become gay. It doesn't work that way. It will just lessen the inner resistance and conflict you're experiencing
  2. Thank you! That video is very interesting. I can see how those feelings and thoughts are not me, yet the physical sensations are still there, but it's true that "relaxing into them" is the way to go IMO.
  3. OMG I can relate to this so much. I actually want to make more lives streams etc., but I get so self-conscious that I'm not spontaneous and then I start thinking that people will notice this nervousness and not take what I say seriously. This results in me not doing these videos. It's really hard to get out of that vicious-cycle, but I think you're right, you just have to keep doing it until you get used to it and also notice hyper-critical inner dialogue and keep letting it go. Thank you
  4. Good question. I agree with @Serotoninluv and @Commodent. I've been doing this for a couple of years, since the first time I went to therapy. I definitely notice a difference, because I catch myself a lot faster when I'm beating myself up and just try to let that go. However, the tendency to be extremely self-critical still is like the first thing that gets triggered whenever I feel like I made a mistake. I also resonate a lot with the taking responsibility of other people's feelings: Whenever something feels off, like it's not flowing naturally, I think it's because of something I'm doing/not doing. Do you guys still feel this hyper-critical part of yourselves being triggered or have you been able to transcend it completely?
  5. I would suggest that you ask yourself about your intention. I've read in another post of yours that you hope LSD will get rid of some suffering in your life. While that is a possible outcome, it seems like you intend to take the psychedelic from a place of lack. Personally, I would wait until you feel more grounded, at peace, etc. Psychedelics can be very potent and leave you more ungrounded, especially if not enough attention and care is put into set and setting. If you decide to go ahead, make sure to start low, take good care of set (this is where feeling grounded is important) and setting (maybe with a trip sitter or at least close friends who you feel comfortable around). Also, take your time to integrate the trip through journaling, meditation or whatever feels right for you. I only have experience with Psylocibin, but I think these cautions are important with all psychedelics.
  6. I've been a vegetarian for 3 1/2 years, but recently quit and started eating fish and meat again. For me, the reason I went back to eating animals was mostly selfish lol. I just felt like I was repressing myself too much, especially after some years of being vegetarian. Every time someone would cook some shrimps, or a tasty looking meal which included meat or fish, I was fighting my urge to eat it. I wanted to eat it but was convincing myself not to do it. Maybe I was being more ethical then and I often feel a little guilty about eating animals again, but I think this life is too short to be too restrictive with myself. On a health level, I actually have a better gut health now than when I was a vegetarian. Not saying that meat is healthier because I tend to have digestive problems regardless and those problems may very well be unrelated to specific food, but experientally I definitely feel a difference.
  7. Thank you, I'll experiment with that. It's interesting how tricky the mind is when you try to unconditionally love yourself
  8. Yes, I feel like that's true, some kind of fear of "trusting the Universe" lol. Do you recommend some specific practice so that it's not only something I tell myself but something that I really feel?
  9. Yes, I think you're right about this way of treating ourselves. My doubt is if it can be done on purpose, such as just commiting to: "No matter what happens, I'll love myself", or if that's just a rational and inauthentic decision. I feel like it's a fine line between loving youself and others and enabling our unhealthy habits or those of the people in our lives. Thanks! You mean creating a new habit that overrides the old patterns that I've gotten used to?
  10. @Buba Hi! I think it makes perfect sense that you're having such a hard time accepting your thoughts and feelings, since you live in a homophobic culture. I don't know how homophobic it is, but even if homosexual people are not put in jail or killed, if your culture rejects them, you feel in danger of being rejected. As social beings, we fear rejection because deep down we equate it to the possibility of being unable to survive. It's not uncommon to develop intrusive thoughts about the thing we fear most when growing up in such an environment. Whenever there is too much repression of something, we tend to get fixated on that very thing. What I'm trying to say is that you may not actually be homosexual (although you may be, that's something you shouldn't let anyone define for you, not us, not a psychoanalyst, etc.), but get those intrusive thoughts, fantasies, etc., because of how scary it would be to actually be homosexual in your society. Anyways, whether you're homosexual or not, the way to transcend your suffering is the same: letting go of judgement and beating yourself up, in order to be able to accept yourself the way you are. I know this may sound impossible right now (precisely because it's regarded as such a bad thing in your culture) and it will probably take time, but it's worth it IMO. I wish you the best!
  11. Hi everyone! I'm currently quitting some bad habits like smoking weed, spending too much time on the computer and mobile phone, not exercising enough, etc. Recently, I watched Leo's video about self-love and I'm confused whether I'm doing this process in a loving and compassionate way towards myself, because I tend to be pretty strict with myself once I've made a decision. By strict I mean that I feel like listening to the excuses my mind comes up with in order to indulge in these unhealthy behaviors is a mistake and therefore make an effort not to relapse. If I happen to relapse, I don't feel too guilty about it and neither am I too hard on myself, but if I compare myself to the people around me, they seem to be more indulgent towards themselves and not overthink things so much. So for instance if they feel like smoking some weed, they don't seem to question themselves as hard as I question myself. Of course this means they tend to be more impulsive and have a harder time quitting bad habits, but I think I may need to relax a little bit (or is this just my addicted part finding excuses? ). I'd like to know what you guys think about this. Is it healthy to avoid acting out the different cravings or is this too repressive towards myself? Thank you
  12. Thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only one lol. Yes, exposure certainly is one of the key aspects, I agree. However, it's been a couple of years of noticing when I have the impulse to avoid a phone call and do the call anyway and I still can't seem to control my anxiety. But if I'm completely honest, I may still be avoiding it often enough so that I haven't given my nervous system enough opportunities to see that it's safe. I guess I just have to keep doing it until I get used to it. Have you experienced good results from exposing yourself to these situations? Since it's such an immediate response in my body, I think there may be some trauma history that I'm considering exploring through some trauma therapy like Somatic Experiencing, EMDR or something like that.
  13. Haven't tried LSD but did shrooms as my first psychedelic (a little less than 1,5g) and truffles a couple of times (essentially the same as shrooms but one trip was noticeably stronger) and what I've heard from friends who have tried both is that they are pretty similar, only LSD lasting longer and giving you more energy. I think if you handled LSD well and take care of set and setting, you won't be overwhelmed by 1-1,5g of shrooms. Listen to your gut, no need to rush anything if you don't feel it. I've never done it solo, always in nature with friends and was usually a great experience with some moments of fear of letting go but never too overwhelming. Always felt like a spiritual antidepressant that left me more grounded and connected, especially after integrating the trip. Some trips I had more visuals whereas others were mainly introspective and like a potent kind of mindfulness.
  14. Toxic/Healthy are just labels that I think should be treated as guidelines. We all can have toxic behaviors and that doesn't mean the whole relationship is toxic. As long as the positive moments outweigh the negative ones and conflicts are solved as soon as they occur (sometimes you may need a little time to calm down, what I mean is that problems are not avoided and left unresolved) so you can feel connected to each other again, I don't see it as an unhealthy relationship. From what you wrote, I don't see many toxic behaviors. However, her past experiences seem to be interfering and she'll need to work on that if she wants to be able to really connect and open up, instead of unconsciously pushing you away to confirm her past relationship story. This is something you're not responsible for, although you can choose to help her solve it by showing her how a safe relationship feels like, but don't forget your own needs in this process. It's not an imperative to have the same interests IMO although it sure feels great when you can share a common passion. Keep trying out new experiences together and you may find yourselves enjoying these activities together.
  15. Don't quit cold-turquey, talk to a psychiatrist about this so you can gradually get off the medication. Your body has probably developed a physical dependency towards the antidepressant and quitting cold-turquey would most likely trigger intense withdrawal symptoms.