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Thanks for sharing! It is so nice to see that there are some individuals that are capable of expanding their consciousness and awareness above the duality that is/are being played out between Pro-Vax and Anti-Vax, between Left ideology and right ideology, beyond the delusional perspectives and stories that some Actualize.org followers “seem” to attach to, from the top down! It is so nice to see that there are a few individuals that can rise above dehumanizing of other peoples POV, and are capable of rising above the current Psychic Mass Formation that is playing out at this time in our Human Psychic Evolution. I’ve made this point many times in the past on a few posts, and I will repeat it again; There are a lot of people on these forums proclaiming how conscious and aware they are, tossing around words like Nothingness, Non-duality, Collective responsibility, Love, Absolute God Consciousness, that this is just a Dream, etc. and yet they are so engrossed in their own survival and fear that they mindlessly collapse into a limited bubble, a collective bubble of delusional mind deceptions, which includes being trapped in the Pro-Vax vs Anti-Vax, Left ideology vs Right ideology STORIES! etc……. I don’t care how many DMT trips you take, how much you meditate, how may retreats you go on, how wonderful and colourful your vocabular sounds, what intellectual words you know and spew out! If you fail to do the “WORK” you will continuously fall into degrees of “Spiritual Bypassing” (Google). I know, because I have fallen in these trap’s countless times on my own journey. If you truly want to become enlightened, it’s going to take more than taking hundred trips on DMT, or thousand of hours and days of meditation etc. Yes, this all HELPS, but only within degrees of moderation. These “Tools” should not become a crutch or prop on your journey! In my “Opinion”, when you CAN observe every thought, idea, image, belief and emotion from a nonjudgmental, unattached perspective, 24 and 7, and then with awareness, “TRANSFORM” and “DIRECT” those thoughts, ideas, images, beliefs and emotions into CREATIVITY, the Creativity of your own reality, the creativity of the Collective Reality, then you can say, “I am on the “PATH” to enlightenment”. You will then be able to rise above the Psychic Mass Formation that is currently playing out on both sides of Pro-Vax vs Anti-Vax, Left vs Right ideology, beyond the collective Ego mentality! The goal is not to see how fast you can become GOD Conscious, or "To be “IT”! This is an illusion that will never happen because God Consciousness is always “Becoming” and you will never catch up to “IT”. The Goal is to savour and experience all gradations of consciousness and awareness, to play consciously with awareness in endless multidimensional realities and forms of BEINGNESS. To create your own independent limited “BEINGS” and Reality’s, and to then give unconditional freedom to the Creativity of “Becoming.” Just sharing a few thoughts, ideas, beliefs and emotions!

Because true understanding is born out of Being, not a map or a theory. A description without first hand experience is worthless What are you gonna do with the description? Believe in it and become a religious nutcase? Oneness, Non-Duality, God, Infinity, Love, Nothingness, You, Existence... All these are descriptions. Without direct experience they will remain just words and ideas

August 23rd 2020 Very first Psycadelic Trip. A lot of this trip is written down as it was happening, and also I came in after and elaborated on certain points so things made more sense. Intention: What is intuition? 1g cubensis Melmac dried magic mushrooms. (I'm definitely more sensitive to substances than the average individual, so this was a great starter dose.) Consumed via Lemon tek (soaked in lemon juice for 20 mins). Didn't taste anything bad. No taste at all really, just the lemon juice when I drank it. Spent extra time to chew it really well. Consumed on an empty stomach. Meditated for 20 minutes watching my thoughts. Made the lemon tek, mediated a bit more. Had a whole lot of anxiety that morning, really fearful of the unknown experience I was able to have. Consumed at 11:10 AM I turned on music and danced to 3 songs. By the third song my emotion really came through and I cried a bit in the emotion. The rest of the time was spent sitting on a couch in the sunroom in the house, I wanted to be close to nature while on this trip, rather than in my basement. As well I wanted to be close to my tripsitter. 30 mins in Grass breathing subtly. 40 minutes Looking at my hand and noticing how foreign it is. Jitteryness Fingers trembling. Noticing all the plumpness and discolouration in the hand. Feeling the shroom creeping in. 11 55 Feeling a strong need to lie down and surrender. There is a place that I fear to go. And it's hauntingly deep. Had that feeling of being sucked back into a dark place that I feared to go. It was very threatening. Probably the most difficult part of the trip here. I went into the open starfish formation to fully surrender, as well as verbally saying "I surrender" 12:00 Nauseous and sinking. Shit is funny. 12:10 Noticing every hair on my arm. The most subtle things in peeling a banana that would go unnoticed I'm noticing. All the nuances in peeling a banana is noticed. 12:15 Noticing how marbled in colour our hands are. Small subtle feelings of nausea. Wanting to move left and right swaying. Have a really hard time to control it. As much as I can throughout the trip I repeatedly ask the question: "What is intuition? What is intuition? What is intuition? What is intuition?" 12:18 Ability to make distinctions in colour has increased. At one point at the peak later, all the green leaves in the garden are the same bright green hue. Still subtle nausea. Strong feeling of being a monkey. Puckering my lips out, showing my teeth. Really noticing a different state of consciousness. I think that's something that's easy to misunderstand about a psycadelic. There's the visuals, but that's like the side effect. Like the heat that is produced from a light bulb; a side effect. The reality is still here but the projector that is me has changed. 12:23 Swirly pattern in the cushion expanding to the whole entire cushion and swaying, swaying. What you focus on, literally grows. My body is part of that swaying. The universe around me feels like an ocean and I'm being pushed by the waves. Really noticing patterns emerge from the cushion. Intuition is so deep. Slow. That's the feeling. It's a whole lot easier to use my voice to type this report while I'm in the middle of the trip. 12:27 Noticing a deep rhythm to the universe. I can see how easy it is to just want to stare at the grass and get lost. Because I know if I stare at something long enough it will start breathing. Just like the floors right now it's moving like a slow river. Hardwood floors flow into several opposite direction Skinny rivers. 12:30 I'm noticing Everything Is Beautiful more than you can imagine. >it's really working to navigate a trip well by saying everything is beautiful. 12:34 You are constantly basking in the sunlight shining on to you at all angles. Infinite hands coming and shielding my face when I close my eyes. Oh my God. 12:38 "Noticing all the patterns in the ceiling and how they are breathing yeah it's really not that bad man, I get Majestic and beautiful yeah holyshit I'm in it I'm in it I love how it's recording my voice while I say this too." Slow. Easy I ask my intuition what is intuition. It tells me to tilt my head up and surrender in the starfish position to open up my body, because my body is a vessel to receive consciousness. It's not even mine. It's not even MY body as my ego would like me to believe. 12:43 Increased trip intensity as I look at the hundred actual birds in my garden. What's the difference between authenticity and intuition? Tons and tons of giggling. I must call everything beautiful to sway this journey. 12:51 If I stare at something long enough it moves. Especially things that are very generic but consistent in pattern. They flow like a river. That's why floors flow. Nausea is gone. But I am a wave now. It's so fucking easy to get distracted haha. If I was an artist I have infinite vision right now. Everytime I close my eyes it's a new vision. Creativity is so enhanced it's something you have to experience to understand. Creativity skyrocketed. 1:00 I close my eyes I notice all the visions of the background of red to yellow. I open my eyes and it's white dominated. The colour White. And it's all moving subtly. I am the room. Reality is a mind fuck. How could we be so foolish the ground ourselves in materialism? It's all one conscious mind. There is no difference between the wall and the tree it's all part of the infinite field. Creativity is skyrocketed. 1:13 I can see that a glimpse of how much deeper I can go I must ask the question: What is consciousness? 1:20 Going to the washroom, walking with a bounce like an ape. 1:25 Intuition is just noticing the push that you are being pushed in. You noticing the waves around you as you are just a part of the ocean. Close my eyes against the pillow for a second. I'm noticing that the left and right eye are like two different Instagram filters. The left eye with the green filter and the right eye with a clear yellow one In order to understand intuition I must understand the infinite intelligence and consciousness. +++big peak+++ 1:41 What is consciousness? Consciousness is all of this that you see. It's so easy to just get distracted and play on Shrooms. 1:48 I've never seen my pupils so dilated. Every time I walk to the bathroom it's just such monkey like in the way I walk. +++ hallucinations are barely apparent now.+++ 1:51 Seeing that you got to be brave to go deep. 1:58 Feeling the now. 2:00 Sight and Sound are literally connected. I can see how that Duality collapses. It would be interesting to see how the movement of reality reacts to music, as I've heard the room moves with the music. 2:03 I can see how it is so easy to distract yourself and get addicted to this experience. It crosses my mind why even contemplate. But I've saw someone fall for that trap before when reading a trip report. So I need to keep getting back on that horse to contemplate. Right now I need to do that. 2:22 The Universe is there for you. The entire experience of eating a banana so funniest fucking thing. Sticking your tongue out, chewing with your mouth wide open, swishing it around in your cheeks. Complete monkey mode. Completely authentic. 2:29 Every action becomes a game. You're being more creative with chewing a banana. You're being more creative in just the way you breathe. Everything just becomes interesting as fuck. 2:37 I noticed looking back earlier on the trip, how I was avoiding the present by opening and closing my eyes. Avoiding going deep. Protecting myself. And I see on a higher dose this will be unavoidable. The eyes closed and the eyes open will collapse, it won't matter, you'll be thrusted into it. Why can't I contemplate Consciousness while rolling on the ground? Why do I have to sit here in a Lotus position? 2:43 I can see when you're given a new perspective, it's so easy to question convention. Because I'm experiencing that new perspective now. Open Mindedness to the sky. It's easy to consider things I would otherwise fear or see as silly to even think of questioning. Shrooms would totally naturally collapse conventional society as a whole. 2:46 "It's not even you when you are surrendering. It's just the way of tuning you into flowing into the water." > When you are surrendering, there is actually no "you" to surrender. You just dissolve the notion of you and merge with the ocean. 2:48 Realizing that the movements that are hallucinations is the duality of solid vs fluid collapsing. 2:52 It's a rule in reality that you must first cross the chasm to reach the field of flowers. This is what the trip feels like. 3:03 I think contemplation becomes very different. You don't think into it, you BE into it. Be as in being. instead of contemplating formally, you BEING into your BEING too solve your BEING. 3:26 Strong urge to drum. 3:36 You need to poke around reality in different ways to explore reality fully. Like rubbing your nose against a couch. 3:43 The barrier that stops me from rolling around in the dirt is a made up one. Why not have fun and just roll around in the dirt, in the love? 4:08 Much earlier I felt like a child playfully roaring at my dog that was growling. 4:54 Noticing the ability to take a strong good look at the burns in your vision after your stare at something too bright for too long. Rather than it escaping your eye when you try to look at it, I was able to get a good solid look at it. That was interesting. How was that even possible lol. 5:51 Noticing the ego clamping down on me with the notion of shame. ___ Visuals Experienced During the Trip A beautiful boat with swirly wood flowering along the sides. An infinite flow of RGB streaks. Infinite deer head with RGB outlines Infinite things. Like a dead wasp I was staring at, then closed my eyes, and it appeared into my vision in an infinite row. Infinite row of 1 foot sized alien bugs crawling up my leg. I noticed some dead bugs on the floor including wasps and bees, and when I close my eyes how an infinite row of wasps was in my vision. But it wasn't scary, it was just beautiful. Because all of reality of beauty. These infinite patterns showed up like two mirrors being put together. Through the red eye of seeing, being able to fly through the world with passing by pieces of consciousness manifesting. ~~Things I've noticed later on that happened earlier ~~ Hugging the chair I'm lying on. With whatever is happening, all I can say is "beautiful". Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. This was great for me to navigate my trip really well. Just everything in my Consciousness is beautiful. I learned how authentic I can really be. To be like a child in authenticy. To be like an ape in authenticy. There is no barrier between me and wanting to roll around in the dirt. That's just a made up one. I noticed how intuition is connected to Consciousness, and that I really needed to contemplate what is consciousness and how to tap into it to understand intuition. I saw intuition as a form of channeling. A light form of channeling. ___ I also had a notebook where I wrote this down. Here's what I wrote. What is intuition? A strong pull. A gut, chest, throat pull. Intuition is deep. Intuition shows you the cracks of light. But it's up to you to travel to the end of the tunnel to realize the entire light. To access intuition, you need to channel. You already are a channel, just open yourself up. It's the subtle ground you take for granted. Question that natural feeling coming from nothingness. Consciousness is an infinite ocean. Just tap into the ever-flowing Rhythm ___ ###Days After Report ### Increased authenticity. Even in the way I walk. Increased interest in realizing my greater identity. Realized this when I talk to other people I still feel alone, and remembering the theory that you are alone and you just create reality and people around you to feel as if you're not alone. How you actually create reality in such a way where you actually feel like you can have some connection with something other than you. But in the end it's only you. Increased interest in the ability to surrender. Increased open mindedness in what I need to surrender to in order to discover truth. Starting to get deeper into wonder about what reality is. Noticing more contentment with what is. Noticing more fascination with the seemingly mundane. I realize I need to be very centered to follow my intuitions Found it quite difficult to consistently Focus while on that trip, so I'm interested in what a research chemical would be like. ??? Questions ¿¿¿ Is it proper to contemplate differently while trying to feel and experience the deeper existential aspects of reality? Stuff that's beyond logic? For example, for the entire trip on inquiring into intuition, I didn't want to contemplate it logically at all, but rather just wanted to experience what came up when I asked the question. How did my trip go? Thoughts?

I want you to think about this scene from Hawkeye series. It gives you the perspective of people in the blip. (If the link doesn’t work, it is the scene from Hawkeye from the point of view of Yelena waking up from the blip). https://youtu.be/7hYg0w9ZINU A lot of people think that when they die, they will be put in a dark room of nothingness. What you really find is something much more radical. It is just like going to sleep. When you go to sleep and wake up, it is as if you never slept. In your experience, you lay down and wake up. When you wake up, you have thoughts about your sleep that we call dreams. Dan Dennett has a theory on dreaming in which we do not dream while we sleep, but rather, we invent it as we wake up. The same is with your ideas of the past and with the idea of death. It is all a story. When you die, you will have the same experience as being born. Compared to the Universe, going to sleep and waking up at 8 hours later we assume is the same as the Universe creating the Big Bang 8 billion years ago. 8 hours and 8 billions years are all the same in the eye of the universe. They are a “blip.” Look at the spirituality of the Marvel-verse. It is really profound. What is more profound is that it is our universe creating more and more of itself. I had a similar experience to Yelena while I was under anesthesia. It was as if I never fell asleep or took anesthesia. It was as if I reinvented everything. I could remember being nothingness and slowly coming back into ego/form. It was crazy. The weird thing was is that it’s as if no time passed at all. That’s cause there is no time I guess that’s why death is an illusion because Eternity can never die. Very mind blowing stuff. What are your thoughts?

I feel like I am trapped in my own dream and like this dream has its own reality which I cannot run away from. Feeling like I am trapped in one dream and like I cannot, and should not, run away from this dream. Feeling like reality is solid and cannot be transcended. Because where will those other realities go? They have nowhere else to go? And they should not go? If reality is infinite, isn't reality just infinite? Where are the dreams that you had before now? Where are those dreams now? Where are those worlds? What happens to the dreams you wake up from? Continuing to exist on their own? Continuing in nothingness? Zero point field, huh?

As far as timelessness goes, there is an important aspect that must be considered here, which is that the present moment is not finite. Which is to say that there is no "slice", like "a frame" on a tape. There is no finite moment that could be seen as a limited, enclosed "piece" of a larger tape ("the rest of time"), so to speak. But it sure seems like that. We tend to think of "the present moment" as a frame of time, the duration of which we are not quite sure of, maybe 1 sec, maybe 100ms? Who knows. But this is an illusion. And we then think that within this frame of time ("the present moment"), the future flows in, turns into the present moment and then flows out again into the past. And that "the future" and "the past" are like a tape that, although it is now gone, is being stored somewhere, inaccessible to human beings - unless we invent "time travel", so that we can bring up whatever piece of tape we want. There is no "it" ("the present moment", as ordinarily conceived). To most people, it feels like they're inhabiting a static piece of time. It's rather like an immediate arising and passing away, "both" so "simultaneously", so utterly identical, that nothing is happening at all, and nothing is not happening. You are (the) Now. "Now" is not occurring within this world, the world is held within Now. And Now is Nothingness. Now is In-finity.

If I am asked to believe his teaching that one creates their own reality of having this power to externally effect things to happen in the manifest and we all do. Then I have to wonder why is he creating the earth's cataclysm? The content is obvious what it is. People are addicted to the imagination of telling the story, an apocalyptic tale of epic endings in all the different flavors of expression. It's not much different than what happens even here with the mind of telling stories. Here the story goes that the epic ending is absolute infinity. We are all god, nothingness is the only thing that exists and everything else is a dream. The end.

It is. Especialy if your mind has good synergy with it. Iv known people that go paranoid if they take to much, but for me its just pure bliss. But the same could be said for any drug. I could totaly loose myself in LSD if i would allow myself to. Its just as amazing in its own way as weed. The fading into nothingness and the slight erotic skin sensation being the only thing left you feel while experiencing nothing but strange fractal paterns is pure bliss aswell. I could do it every weekend and it would probebly never get old... But i wont ? ill suffer like the grumpy ass i am.

It's not that they are absolute things that exist in contrast to each other. Good and evil are literally summoned from nothingness through the purely biased filter of the perspective of the ego. Imagine being a Greek solider despoiling the city of Troy, raping multiple women, slaughtering opposing men, and throwing their children from the walls. Everything you are doing is good from your POV. It's great for you, you are serving your Gods, you are getting the spoils of war from your labor. They are heretics, and you are justice. Everyone does what they do exactly because they think it is good (for them). And anything in opposition to that is "evil". However there is a catch, because it seems there is some kind of what I'll call "lightness" baked into the universe. Where is one moves from ignorance > awareness there is a trend of things being harmed less and less. That doesn't invalidate good and evil being imaginary. What do you know, the universe is paradoxical!

Ok I think I get what you're saying now, if you started explaining it like this it would have been way easier I'd argue that it's deeper than God, more like an another aspect of the same thing, but maybe you're right and I wasn't deep enough, or maybe I'm deluding myself and never "experienced" the nothingness you're talking about.

Actually what you are doing is more or less confirming creatio ex nihilo. You are confirming that we as contingent beings can cease to exist, that we were created, so what did create us? You did not cause yourself, and everything around you can not cause itself either. No matter what you do, you end up at the uncaused cause, which brings the universe into being, that is God, you are not God and neither are I. You can experience God bla bla, but , I am talking about the power which brings creation into being from nothing in that sense, God can make himself known, but we dont know what he really is in himself, we can see his invisible power in the things he has made. We depend on God , not the other way around, since some Masters as you say can "have" cessation, but still come back to exactly the same place in their room for example, there is something outside of your subjective experience which holds you in place, same with deep sleep, you do not all of the sudden appear with a different body etc in a different country. This uncaused cause does not cease , it is Being itself, but you or me or anybody else is not Being at all in itself, we are full of potential and actuality, meaning we change, everything is moved, that is actuality and potential, we are contingent beings. But God is not caused by anything else, it is the fullness of being, as you previously have said, nothingness can not create since it is non existent, so we arrive at an eternal uncaused cause which brings time and everything else into existence and it holds creation in place, thats why you dont " cease to exist" forever in a cessation or deep sleep. In the sense of creation for God, it is to bring or cause things to be. God is God, you are you. Nothing comes from nothing, and creation is here right in front of you, the eternal cause does not cease. But creatures can. My parents existed prior to me, as did yours, as did God. He is on a completely different metaphysical level then you and me.

@Leo Gura One more thing to you. Where were you before you were born? You probably wasn’t infinity or god, and there was probably no experience or even a void. There was true nothingness. And you realize that without experiencing it. When you go deep enough as god, existence itself will go away. And when you come back, you’ll realize just like before you were born, nothingness is before and after everything. Nothing is outside infinity because outside infinity is nothingness. Be open to the possibility there is something deeper, or nothing for that matter. God has an off switch like everything else in nature. Nothing is apart of god, but nothing is also outside of god. Making ti the deepest realization. “Nothing is deeper than god.” Because the word nothing exists for a reason, to point away from everything. This is true enlightenment.

@gettoefl Exactly. That’s why I have started asking people what was before you were born if you can’t realize nothingness? I don’t remember there being infinity or god. Which means nothingness comes before and after everything. That’s why I get annoyed with people saying you’re stuck existing forever.

@Vincent S Glad I can help. Like I told judy you wasn’t infinity or god before you were born, meaning god can not exist. Nothingness comes before and after everything. Confusion isn’t good unless you want to keep people listening .

Most within? But, you are talking about the most without lol. Don't take that too seriously, I understand your point. Nothingness IS God. They are not separate or should I say Nothingness is the womb in which Infinite potential is birthed from. To be birthed from means to be a part of. I think the term God is more the issue here because when we pull back all the layers God is just a human concept. But, everything we are talking about is very difficult to put down in language. God is just a filler word for the sake of communication. Even if we separate the two God/Nothing and call Nothing the floor. Then Nothing is now the concept of God. For it is the thing that created everything for lack of a better term. Honestly most of what you are saying is fine besides the separation of these two things.

@Nos7algiK Well deep doesn’t mean above or more than. It just means the most within. And if god and all of existence itself can have a no self experience or go to sleep like we can, then that means nothingness is the most within. I’m not misunderstanding, if someone thinks nothingness is apart of god, then they don’t realize god and existence itself can go away. If we go away and we become god, then when god goes away it becomes nothingness. Making it the deepest.

@Nahm Eh you’re mixing it up with empty space. If god can stop existing, then nothingness obscures god. All of existence can have a no self experience. And I don’t mean that in the sense of blackness or emptiness is covering it up, I mean completely not exist. Like when you go to sleep you go away, yet you don’t experience anything and time skips. Well when you go deep enough you can do that as god, and you can’t experience it but come back and realize it happened. So, it’s the deepest realization.

End of beingness is the final cessation I think. There's utter nothingness. Then there's beingness/presence/consciousness. Then out of that consciousness creation happens. That's the explanation given by mooji. I hope I got it right ?

@Nos7algiK I’m not weaponizing anything. You’re just not getting my elaboration. I’m just using the closest word we have to explain it. The word nothing wouldn’t exist if it didn’t point somewhere (or nowhere). God is an experience, but nothingness can only be realized. But you can’t experience nothing. When you go deep enough as god, all of existence will go away like when you go to sleep, and then come back. You’ll realize it happened, like when you go to sleep, but you won’t experience it, like when you go to sleep. And then you realize nothingness is the deepest realization because it’s the only way god can not exists. Non existence.

Yeah, sounds like a typical budhhist definition of cessation. Where all experience dissapears. A dip into a nibbana. In some schools they say one doesn't even have to go through god to enter nibbana. It's possible to skip it and go straight to nothingness. Or you can use god as a stepping stone to go to nirvana. Just adding some thoughs here

You are weaponizing dualistic language. But, what we are pointing to is much like Russian dolls. At it's core in a Russian doll there is nothing. "Outside" that nothing is the doll(God). Outside God there is nothing. Outside that nothing is another doll "God". This goes on forever, but there must be a final answer right? What is the biggest concept of them all? Is the doll the ultimate ground or is there more nothing outside that ground? There will always be more to see as we increase the scope of our consciousness. There is no answer or should I say the answer isn't set in duality this/that. The idea of a Russian doll already implies it's nothingness both inside and out. They are one in the same but even a Russian doll (God) isn't the most accurate term for what we are pointing to.

@Judy2 Yes. That’s how you can take it back. And it’s deeper than god because if god can go away, then nothingness is the only thing that can be deeper. And because god can not exist anymore, that makes it more than just a part of god. Beyond god.

@Salvijus Im confident it is what they’re talking about, enlightened masters, and that’s why they say they can’t explain it in words. Because when they do, people believe that they’ve attained it after experiencing emptiness. That’s why I can tell people that are saying nothingness is just a part of god or that god is the ultimate realization just haven’t realized true nothingness yet, just emptiness and infinity. And when they go through formlessness and infinity, they think “this state is what they meant!” And that you can experience it. You can’t experience it, only realize it happened. Leo also said everything is a state, making me believe he hasn’t realized it either. They call it the stateless state, because it isn’t a state. At all. God goes away. That’s why they say atman and Brahman. God is the ultimate atman. And just like everything else there’s a pendulum so there is a final Brahman. True enlightenment is post god realization when nothing exists, and then comes back.

So I am sorry guys for not engaging with you or responding to you in this thread I thought I have successfully temporarily suspended my problems and engaged in actively trying to fix them but I thought now I might open up here again since this seems to be a reoccurring issue for which I am deeply embedded and reminded of because of the guilt I feel for wasting my potential as a teen and young adult in the past five years. I will open up here with the emotional, anger, and mood issues I am facing here with myself and some reoccurring psychosomatic issues for the past several years: ''I am currently engaged still and bound up in a very toxic codependent family relationship with my only dad (after my mother has passed away when I was a kid) without gaining a modicum of financial independence for myself or being currently unemployed since I am studying and trying to wound up some subjects at faculty and trying to decide and make a decision will I still be going to faculty after all or will try to enlist in a college for social work that recognizes the exams I passed up until now on sociology and to before that attempt to find some part-time job, so I can get a revenue stream that will be my own, and not relying exclusively upon a family pension from my deceased mother's work internship as a programmer at a bank in Canada and a brief part-time as an accountant at the postal service here in my home country that I get for being a regular student at faculty or any higher education institution starting that lasts until I turn 26 while I am still at faculty or college, that my dad uses to cover part of his life and apartment bill expenses, since he has an irreuglar not stable income (income by performance) as German and English teacher in a private school via his temporary several months renewable contracts. So I am trying to see to pass some more exams here in the winter period but my long term prospects for remaining on this state faculty are called into question, I am feeling that it would be a dragged out and wasteful affair only for the sake of keeping the pension income from the state and that I can retain for the next two years anyway by enrolling into this private college for social work. Anyways what worries me to most is the fact that I haven't changed my habits enough (I still have problems falling asleep at night late, even after I meditate, I would wake up at 3 or 4 am after having some nightmares (like insects, centipedes walking over my arms, biting and eating me) and wouldn't fall asleep till early in the morning when the sun comes up), and would feel casual fatigue and profound tiredness during the day at noon and would have to lay down and sleep for half an hour or an hour until I feel I've drowned into nothingness after the felt emotional fatigue, turmoil, and emptiness I would feel during the day and I feel sometimes so tired at that point that I don't feel I have the strenght to last meditating for 30 minutes and that during that I would just roll over or fall asleep afterward anyway. So the point of me writing this all is to ask should be guided by my feelings in pursuing a certain course of action for my life and not take into account the insecurities and the needs of others like my dad's (who would still receive the pension regardless if I would enroll into this private college for two more years) I have until summer when the entrance exam for this is coming up to decide and I feel I have to pass a few exams here in the winter period to prove I am really serious about this and to find some part-time job with a steady income to cover a part of my expenses left for this faculty and for the private college. Also, I haven't mentioned it in detail but I will the severed bonds and relationships with my other relatives and grandparents from my mother's side that I feel that I need to heal, rekindle and regain their trust again after I acted passively, uninterestedly and didn't call them to ask them how they are doing and how are they (didn't call my aunt to congratulate her on her birthday in the summer) towards them for several months now, which I feel an obligation towards especially my step sister to whom I feel a brotherly duty towards to somehow help her in the future, when she, for example, enrolls into a faculty here in Belgrade when she is old enough, and friends (one from highschool and two girls who I've met in faculty) who were kind and caring enough to offer me their assistance with a job and advice for my mental health problems this past and last year especially with the Covid outbreak lockdown situation, online courses have done independently, my grandfather who I've seen a role model and guide for life difficulties and independence passing away, and my mother's passing away fifteenth aniversary, that I betrayed and lost their trust by not calling them back and answering them while I was in a self-imposed isolation during the start of my autumn semester at the fourth year at faculty, that I am trying to see now to how to make it up with them, regain their trust in me and for them to forgive me and give a second chance (they are on the latest of the list of people I haven't called back and answered back for a long time now in some cases months in others a year has passed (them being my sociology professor from highschool and my other relatives sister) that I feel for my sake I should try to rekindle my relationship with and to ask them for their forgiveness and for them to regain trust in me by showing them I've changed and have overcome my selfish and unheatlhy patterns of caring and trying to love nobody but myself). Thanks for hearing me out this is just the tip of the iceberg of things I feel bad and guilty about and that I am losing sleepover, and others being my failed perception of my personal life purpose that I need to somehow repay a debt towards, the failure towards the perceived expectations of people who've I looked towards as role models and heroes through the in comparison to my own state, achievements and actions up until this point in my their own Herculean feats and achievements they made for their own lives for my own life as being an evolving continuation of their successes and ancestors who made possible and leftover for me the cushiness and relative financial securities that I enjoyed through their own strivings, achievements and successes in their own lives and the mission of my soul on this Earth, which I've been thinking and contemplating about and will discuss here more in detail if that thread wouldn't be more appropriate for the Life Purpose Issues Subsection of the Forum.''

@BipolarGrowth I can’t watch it right now but I know frank yang has said before there’s one more emptiness after god. I’m not sure if it’s the true nothingness that you can’t really personally experience, or the void, but either way he’s on to something. True enlightenment is realizing there is nothing beyond infinity, and actually realizing that true nothingness.