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God has given you absolute freedom, you can choose to suffer, you can choose bliss. Without freedom to suffer you can't grow, without suffering you will remain unconscious, it is the experience of suffering which makes you realize bliss. Without any darkness can you realize existence of light ? No, God is everything. If God is all good, where bad , evil comes from ?

According to near death experiences, who have very real experiences of God, infinity, total bliss etc. You are met by loved ones and God/The light; bliss; being home. Then you have life review. Then you stay there for a while. Because we learn about it via NDE experiences people are sent back, or chose to go back for what ever reason. I belief 'being sent back' is not really a choice that is made separate from you, because ultimately you are God, but if you haven't raised you awareness enough it made seem like you are being sent back by it, but for your own best, because at a higher level you like to evolve further in the game. - So I think you can do everything, another incarnation, staying in heaven, creating what ever you imagine, being with other souls, incarnating in other planets, dimensions etc. But if you have a low consciousness and thus lived a selfish life, you might decide from the higher consciousness to go back and raise it further; become closer to spirit through your own evolution first, and perhaps experience some balancing because of some choices you made because you like the idea of karma and it serves your growth. You might like this site by the way: www.evidenceforthesoul.weebly.com

This has gone over my head, thank the Lord! Ignorance is bliss

How happy do you have to be if you realise you are not fearing your biggest fear right now? Instant state of bliss - less than one hit of marijuanna - because it allows me to see my real fears and realise if I am not experiencing them (in the present) I should be in a state of permanent elation. What more could one ask for. I can feel myself flowing. I love meditation. LOVE. To feel good in the body is LOVE.

Sooo, boys and girls. I had a quite interesting year and I thought I sum it up in this post, so you can benefit from my lessons and have some fun reading. Plus I'll probably share a little forecast in which direction I currently take my spiritual journey. I'll take the major topics and hindrances I faced this year and illustrate them a little bit and cut all of the uninteresting shit. So it goes like this ... +++ Existential Crisis +++ If I had to sum up my whole spiritual journey this year with one phrase, it would probably be that: an existential crisis. A complete brain-fuck and wrapping every one of my world-views inside out. It's kind of interesting, I started my meditative journey in early April 2015 and for most of that year and the first two months of 2016 it just gave me lots ad lots of typical benefits. I would be way more calmer, I stopped biting my finger nails, I stopped smoking, I had my first clarity experiences, I was very pumped up to do my meditation etc. etc. Then in early 2016 I watched @Leo Gura's Free-Will-video and meditated after it one the question: "What is going to happen next?". And in this meditation a strange shift happened. It was a very physical kind of opening (like literally a popping in my head) and from then I could consciously conceive that there are thoughts that I consciously formulate and there are thoughts that just come up and fill up the space. From this day on, my whole life should begin to change. In the next 4 months I had the deepest experiences of fear, anxiety, helplessness, depression, falling apart etc. etc. that I ever had in my life. Besides that, I had the deepest realizations I had so far on my journey, 3-4 deep awakening experiences that always were surrounded with 1-2 weeks of total bliss and then an even deeper amount of existential crisis than I experienced it before. It all ended in early August I guess, right after I had my first Kundalini awakening in late July. This was one of the strangest things I ever experienced and at the time I didn't even knew what it was. I found out 1-2 months later here on the forum and then through research, that what I experienced was a Kundalini awakening. Now, this whole phase was extremely strenuous. I had weeks and months in which I would wake up and be bombarded from second one with tremendous and ridiculous thoughts. In my daily meditation it would even get worse and make me completely crazy. I had a few sits I had to end after about 40 minutes because it was too hard. I had phases in which when I went outside I felt any kind of distress another person carries around amplified times a thousand in my own body with awful thoughts screaming at me. Why did all of this happen? Well, I was bullied when I was about 12-14 years old for doing shitty rap music and I have some regular deficiencies and problems most of us have. If you wanna get out of the trap, you'll have to cut every single one of these bindings to the world. And you have to let go of your shadow. And that's not a pretty process. I had 2 times I seriously thought about suicide, because it was that hard. Funnily, right after these times I had even deeper awakenings. But well, if you go through such a phase yourself (and you will more than one time probably on your journey) go back to this post and see you are not alone. It's natural and its very good. It gives you so much strength, realization and vision. It's incredible. You come out of that as a new human being. Also, how did I went through all that w/o going completely nuts. Well, I went nuts for some time to be honest. I had times in which I wasn't sure anymore whether this is just purging or whether I'm mentally insane. I followed my intuition that said "Wait it out" and so I did. Everything was okay. I went through it. In that time I tried literally every kind of meditation technique, listened to every Alan Watts lecture multiple times, listened to tons of Rupert Spira stuff, Mooji stuff, did all sorts of things to help me out and they all did to a certain degree, but in the end I just had to take it and experience it. It's hard, and it's okay to give in in that phase and learn from it. I started smoking again for example, because I knew it would help me out here and I could stop it when I'm through and have the mental power for it. For you it might be eating some ice cream, binging on other shit. Sometimes, this is necessary. +++ Change in perspective +++ Another key change this year was my change in perspective. When I started out on my enlightenment journey the one thing I was mostly fascinated about was: "How is the day to day perspective of an enlightenment being?" Because they always say: "Well, you have it. You are it." But there still is a change that is happening, right? Why are we doing this work otherwise? Well, yeah there is a shift that happens. And it'll start to happen with your first enlightenment experiences and then slowly sink in to your day to day life over time. That's at least my experience. I can consciously recognize who i really am at every time. I can see it. And this happened with I guess my second deep enlightenment experience. From then on it stuck. And now its for me more about adjusting my whole life to it that I integrate these experiences and deepen them for the rest of my life. Because, although the simple recognition of who you are is a thing you can either see or not, all of the implications that you can draw from that to your normal life, are endless and can be deepened endlessly. And that's where the journey really begins. To name some symptoms that stuck with me since I saw: I see colors brighter than I did before. I see new patterns in what I perceive. I see a lot of the games that nature plays with itself. I see how things mutually arise and aren't caused by each other. The list goes on and on. But remember: These are just personal symptoms that came with the recognition. It's not the recognition itself. I have phases in which these symptoms will get amplified and I might tap into huge amounts of intuition. This is where the crazy shit starts. I had 3-4 times visions of events I could have never predicted that turned out the exact same way as when I saw them in a dream. I sometimes have an extremely accurate sense of time (like sitting in a meditation and being able to tell when it ends in the last 2 minutes). I have this 11:11, 10:10, 13:13 phenomena going on a daily basis sometimes 5-10 times since I guess like 6 months now. I had a few mystical encounters in meditations and dreams. And a lot of other crazy shit. I'll probably do a whole post on that in the future. I mean, you can think of that what you want, but if you have it yourself going on very frequently you start to at least see how intelligent and crazy nature is. And that your normal one-coffee-bored-consciousness is not where it ends. But yeah, my perspective changed completely this year. I recognized who I am and am now able to integrate this for the rest of my life and see where it takes me. +++ Psychedelic experiences +++ This year, I also started to experiment with psychedelics in a more spiritual and integrative way. I started using psychedelics (mostly LSD) in the summer of 2015, but in this year I did I'd say probably like 10 deep LSD trips, 10-15 DMT-trips, a few shroom trips and then of course the MeO-experiences. I also had 2 bad trips (one on LSD and one on shrooms [actually just 1 week ago]) and I found that these bad trips are the ones that do the deepest inner work and that really change your being permanently. So after some time you'll know how to handle them and use them for this. It's great. Ever since my first and last MeO-breakthrough I am still integrating the experience. I had one sober really, really deep enlightenment experience that lasted for 3-4 hours a few days after the breakthrough and a lot of what I'd call clarity experiences. Also, another round of shit came up over the weeks that I had to deal with and go through. But right now I'm pretty good and I think I can do the next experience in a few weeks (after all this x-mas and new year stuff is over). In the future I think I will mainly focus on 5-MeO-DMT, shrooms and normal DMT since I found these three substances to do the most permanent and deep healing for me. I use 5-MeO to crack the shell, shrooms to heal the wounds and integrate what is puring out and I will start with normal DMT as well again because I think the realizations you get from it will be hugely intensified through the 5-MeO. Every time I take a substance right now, whether its weed, alcohol, some party drugs or what not, I get a medium to strong MeO experience along the way, which is crazy and pretty cool. I don't know why, but it happens to be that way. Psychedelics have shown to be a huge amplifier on my own journey. It's great. +++ HoloSync And Meditation +++ Another biggy is HoloSync. I started using the Awakening Prologue in late August this year and will buy in a few days the Awakening Level 1. HoloSync boosts my daily meditation like motherfucking nuts. It's incredible. I go so much deeper. I sometimes am high from my meditation for 3-4 hours after it (sometimes the whole day). It also induces little existential crisis to integrate your shadow and it's worth its price, if you ask me. I love it. Meditation is just so much more fun with it. Try it out if you wanna boost your journey. It has also shown to help me focus, be more intuitive, more creative and just give me a better feeling throughout the whole day. I totally love it. Also, another thing I've experimented this year with are various forms of meditation. I did my standard "Do Nothing" + "Strong Determination Sitting". I use these two as my standard and then will lay other layers on top of them like doing some Tao meditations, breath meditations, counting meditations, mantra meditations. Right now I do a mix: I do my HoloSync and in the first 30 minutes I do a counting meditation and in the last 30 minutes I do a mantra meditation with the word "no-thing". I hesitated a lot to do mantra meditations because it is always connected with TM and a lot of people seem to not like it for that reason, but I found out for myself that it gives me great results. So the lesson here is: Try out a bunch of things and do the ones that work. Fuck what other people are saying. If it works for you great, do it. Engineer your own techniques. +++ Going The Whole Way +++ Well, and lastly I wanna take all this and put it in a box. I hope that if you've read that far, one thing you picked up is that I had a lot of highs and downs, a lot of trial and error, a lot of crazy shit, but that's just the journey. Was my existential crisis bad? Yeah, it was fucking nuts. But anytime right I have negative shit coming up for a few weeks I kind of laugh about it in my mind because it has no real power anymore. I know anxiety, pain, anger, loneliness, being tied to these things so deeply and intimately that they don't scare me anymore. Every thing I go through is there to let me know that the person I was always seeking and was always wanting to be, is just myself. Is just giving up the search. Giving up the "wanting to be different". And that everything I should do, comes from an inspiration that arises by itself when I rest in this calm and fulfilled state. But it takes some time to get there. It takes heavy seeking to arrive at the point where you can't seek anymore and have to give it up. It takes massive action. And even then you'll have cycle after cycle that shows you new stuff, that presents new challenges etc. etc. But along the way you'll become a master of it. You'll master yourself and you'll lose all fears and all hectic to get it done. So if you take one thing away from this post, then it is this: To become abundant, happy and fulfilled and enlightened, you have to take your neurotic being and try go get there by pushing so hard for it that you'll see at some point that you just can't keep up with the work you have to do to keep this happiness. And then you'll fall a deep, deep way to the bottom and realize that you are happy and abundant by default, that inspiration and realization happens by itself, and that action will always come and pick you up when you wait for it to arise. It'll show you the way. It always does. And you'll have the time of your life. So, go the whole way and see for yourself. There is no rush, there is no one to get there first. It's just a ride you can take if you want. Anyways, merry motherfuckin' x-mas from your silly-ass angel of death... Azrael

@Consept Stop Masturbating, Even Possible? It is very possible, as I am not entangled in it. It ends when the attachment to desire (the craving) ends. If you want to reach out to truly attempt attaining awareness and live up to it like I do, you must drop it, and happens naturally when following the right discipline, to skillfully get rid of lust, surely the tension, the burning stops, and bliss remains. But I want to make a clear distinction here. The masturbation is not what truly does the harm, it is the wrong conclusions, the wrong thinking, the not skillfully remove lust that truly is wrong, unwholesome. If you want to get rid of masturbation, one must be skillfully doing it, or leave it alone, and live your life with doing it. The real problem is, due to that people remain lustful, they remain bewildered, also about willing to remove it, live in doubt with it. There for I conclude that it is not the masturbation that is the problem, but being attached to desires, the craving, being lustful, is the true problem. To wrap it up: Masturbation can only be happening, if one beLIEf to be someone. If there is just body, and Awareness, there is no sense of self, and thus no craving. However, its not the masturbation that must be cut off, its the craving that must end, the attachment to desires, the lust. If you are however interested in truly skillfully put it to an end, then end the attachment to desire (which is difficult to do). If one stops eating to much, goes back to once a day, in the morning, drinks often distilled water (or tea), and ends his sleep problems, lust is dropping like a rock thrown in a lake and attains much energy. Then the refraining from unwholesome deeds, such as wrong view, intentions, speech, act, effort, livelihood, attention and concentration, and focuses on Awareness and does not mind worldly activities, surely the attachment to desire will naturally come to its end, due to all things in nature are temporary. Stoping with masturbation, just refraining from it, without skillfully spiritual practice, is just unintelligent, foolish, hurtful. Its better to be doing it everyday, then just stopping it forcefully. It leads often just to aggression.

Sri Anandamayi Ma was once approached by someone in doubt whether to join the Ashram or not, I don't think I can give up all the pleasures of my wordly life and she said: 'Ahh, you are a true renunciate. You are renouncing the infinite bliss of God for those few crumbs? ' Bliss or Hubris: You Choose ~ Shunyamurti https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwaUr9qfInY

Most impressed with this man out of the hundreds of teachers I have seen, or skimmed over, that is still alive. He talks about God, infinity, the ultimate bliss and fulfillment with such consistent calmness and presence that I belief it comes from truth and unconditional love, and the things he shares are clearly deeply insightful, clever and sometimes hilarious. I hope he may benefit many:

I don't see it as a thing anyone needs to succeed in. Enlightenment is meaningless, pointless. Nothing matters. My nature is very inclined to seek for Truth. I've been interested in math, physics and chemistry since I was a boy. Naturally I want to go the whole way. I have many friends who don't give a damn fuck about Truth and Enlightenment. It's fine, I take on another personality when I with them and enjoy their company and life. No problem. I don't try to force them to anything. They should do whatever they want to do. Some suffering is fine. Ultimately there's nothing wrong with suffering. MOst of the time there will be happiness in-between to contrast it anyway. "why do you want it to be love and enjoyable?" You see, I just told you, that you have to kill "yourself" to become enlightened. Has that anything to do with what you label as "enjoyable"? . "think about this guys. what would happen if enlightenment doesnt give you this endless bliss? what if?" I couldn't care less, mate. I couldn't care less about enlightenment to be honest. All I want is Truth, WHATEVER THAT MIGHT BE! I don't know what it is. I only have ideas... And I try to be conscious enough to not attach to any of my ideas, which is hard, but doable. The mind constantly produces thoughts, ideas and emotions. That is its fucking nature. Have a good day.

so i am inclined to say that you have a very flawed perception of this. you truly see this is another thing which one need to succeed in. think about this guys. what would happen if enlightenment doesnt give you this endless bliss? what if? why do you want it to be love and enjoyable?

it is what reality is you say. ok so reality is love. it seems as a long shot that some feeling we prefer is reality. and you could say one deny the world which is right now. everything is enlightened. enlightenment is not this endless bliss,and this is where everybody starts to fool themself and misses enlightenment, enlightenment is this, enlightenment is not a rush of signals in the brain. every state is . the next state is the next state, be in this state

@Leo Gura One of my favourite questions or mantras is something along the lines of, am I an object or the observer, and I realised after reading your post and contemplating that I've been inadvertently asking am I one object or another object because I assumed the observer was a "greater" me, another object. After that I found bliss quite quickly which wasn't the no-self I was looking for, but finding that so quickly was progress anyway.

As real as everything else. Let him do drugs if he wants to. but i do agree with you at the normal level of communication. enlightenment is not even about bliss and agony or some other world. it is what you have right now.

I've had quite a few interesting experiences over the last few months but the one that stands out the most was when I accidentally ate a brownie with thc in it and found out my true nature as awareness haha. I woke up one morning and I was getting ready for work and I was listening to a song, can't remember the name but part of the lyrics stood out for me "you already know who you are,but you've just forgotten" or something to that extent. I didn't think much of it but when I went upstairs I noticed someone had made some brownies so I ate a reasonable amount (couldn't help myself haha) then I went back downstairs and the song was still playing and it hit me hard that there was a deeper meaning to the lyrics. Then I glanced at the clock and noticed I was running late to work so I hurried out, as I was driving I noticed that I was feeling a little weird and couldn't focus properly but I figured I was just still a little tired. Finally made it to work and as I tried to focus I couldn't function properly, everything just started going blurry and I felt really dizzy. Told the supervisor that I wasn't feeling well and he sent my to the ER. As I was sitting there waiting for the nurse, I was wondering what the hell was going on. Then I remembered the song from before and I started asking "Who am I?". It was as if a part of me stepped back from behind my eyes and it was clear what was really going on. At that moment it became apparent that there was nothing behind the walls I was looking at and I was just experiencing existence through the perspective of a human being. The nurse finally comes in and is asking me questions and I realized that I was just talking to myself, there was no person in that body, only another character playing her part. I tried to explain that to her and she looked at me like I was crazy haha, was kinda hoping she knew what I was talking about but I guess most people still don't know about these ideas. Felt a little depressed because I was all alone sitting in a hospital room with no one that could understand what I was going through, I thought I had finally lost my mind. Then a wave of bliss hit me, it just surrounded me with love that I've never felt before. I broke down and started crying out of pure joy, I had no idea such powerful feelings of love were possible. At the time I became very derealized after the experience though, I felt trapped in an illusion thinking it was all real. It took hundreds of hours of contemplation to finally get a grasp of reality again. Looking back it was a huge part of my growth though, it helped me get through some rough times and taught me not to take life seriously

This one was before I found actualized.org: I was thinking about infinity and mindfucked myself by independently realizing the notion of absolute infinity (never suspected it would have relevance to spiritual work). It happened in tandem with me contemplating the nature between the relationship between the physical and conceptual world, realizing that concepts aren't inherently less real than physical objects coupled with grasping that absolute infinity was entirely beyond my grasp sent me into a pseudo-psychotic episode. Prior to that, I was a hermit who had too much anxiety to leave my dorm. I had been searching for Absolute Truth through mathematics, science, and philosophy. That day, I ran off of campus to a nearby museum and walk around the whole place backwards, gathering strange looks from people as I realized all the majesty and grandeur I saw in the world was a fucking joke compared to the true depth of reality, which was beyond my grasp. I used to be obsessed with the transhumanist movement and the notion of man one day conquering reality through science. That day I realized it was all futile. Reality is too great for mankind to do anything other than to stand in awe of its depth. This is what ultimately drove me to learn about enlightenment. When contemplating free will and identity: This was the day I realized the notion of free will didn't really even make sense because identity was an arbitrary construct. I thought who could possibly do the willing. Oh shit! Before then , I used to dream about total omnipotence and control being the best possible life. It was then that I realized the idea of true control was absurd, and my whole drive to control everything in life was delusion and neurotic. Being is all there is. Some non-dual (?) experiences: I have been experiencing altered states on consciousness in my dreams. I', not sure if I've ever experienced non-duality since I have never experienced bliss from my consciousness work, but I have had some strange experiences where I felt that my body and mind were just objects and phenomena like any other, no more special than anything else in the environment. For instance, I had a dream where I was Slenderman (don't ask me why) and I was staring at an oak tree, and that oak tree was also me while I was Slenderman. This all took place in a classroom which started to crumble. Both Slenderman and the oak tree also vanished, and I was this mind that got physically sucked into a deep, pitch black void. I had a brief moment which seemed like eternity of monkey mind going on a complete void until I surrender and accepting my eternity as empty. I then woke up (physically, not spiritually). I don't know why this stuff never happens when I'm awake. How it has changed me: My intuition tells me this goes way deeper and despite not feeling bliss, I need to keep going. I have massively reduced the suffering in my life. However, I also have the lingering feeling that this is bullshit I need to be out chasing pleasure.

@Leo Gura Dear Leo, The experience I have Leo, after hard work living in seclusion from unwholesome deeds, given up sense gratification has led to the experience of pure bliss, happiness and a state of trance of no other similar kind, unknown to the masses. I see not a single effort in experiencing what I am. The effort Leo lies not in experiencing what you are, but getting rid of the defilements, the obstacles, the attachments that prevent one to be free of mind. Given up unwholesome deeds, namely: wrong view, intentions, speech, act, effort, livelihood, attention and concentration, sustaining a sublime discipline and strong concentration and attention on the all pervasive, surely leads to the end of desire soon, or later. Awareness knows not an equal and is all pervasive, has not been born, knows no illness or origin, there for the question WHAT is Awareness presuming its a composite of some kind, is based on a wrong idea of yours Leo. Its based on the idea that the essence of everything (or yourself) is nothing, and by this, one concludes wrongly that Awareness is being something (everything is a composite, and since its not nothing it must there for be something) now logically leads to the question: WHAT is Awareness? (Presuming its a composite of some kind, which it of course isn't, never was and never will be).

Very very interesting passage you wrote here. I noticed something that I want to share according to what you wrote here. Take a look at these two "religions." Christianity: Heaven, Earth, Hell Buddhism: To Enjoy, To Love, To Suffer Like I said in my post here, when you awake from an enlightenment experience, you are left with a 'feeling' (huge residue of) 'divine love' and 'bliss.' This relates to peace, not suffering. If the person wants to head toward peace (in an infinite way), then do things in one's life that will bring about peace in this world. After all, all is you.

Thought I might add but I realise just saying that everything is a belief is not really going to help anybody, you could tell a homeless person on the street the situation of their life is just a belief, a construct of ego, and that they're not really experiencing this but are God, infinity itself while deluding themselves into suffering because they believe the ego is them, but what is that going to change? Do not think because you are ego that you are suffering and for you to be happy at all you need to destroy ego, truth isn't about the destruction of your life or beliefs or a withering away of your sense of self to find bliss in infinity, it's the simple recognition of what is true, and that includes everything in existence, you are complete because you are here, as you are right now, and only you think you need to improve or change or "realise the truth of reality to dissolve into eternal awareness and live a no-self life full of clarity" but regardless we will continue to strive for something else because that is the nature of identity, and that too is okay @Leo Gura Just want to say you must have one hell of a mind to stay in such delusion while mainting your business, props to you my friend.

@Deep That's interesting because one time I purposely surrendered within a state of Samadhi just to see what would happen and I vanished for a while. Of course I didn't realize I had vanished until I returned to the Samadhi state (sorry, I don't know all the exact lingo but you get the message). 2 days ago I left a reply on another topic that stated "At the heart of Samadhi lies nothingness". That experience, or should I say non-experience, is what I was referring to when I said nothingness. There was no awareness of anything because I didn't exist (no mind/thoughts). There was no experience, no bliss, no infinity, no God, no awareness, no emptiness, no nothing. After that happened I wondered if there was a level of awareness that enlightened people have achieved that could experience that state of absolute nothingness. So I'm asking, what do you see here that I may not. What are your thoughts or better yet, direct experiences on this? You seem to have knowledge in this area. Thanks

@Leo Gura Awesome pic Leo. Now, pls don't interpret what I'm about to say the wrong way. I'm only saying it according to my experience, ok? (It's not a debate.) It's riding the ox backwards into one's body from nothingness, maybe not with M.C. Escher's drawing of lizards. Below..just another pic, just another hint. Then, one is left with a huge residue of 'divine love' / 'bliss' when awaken.

It will seems silly and very stupid but, I'm playing a game right now, it is like a Zelda game, but with lots of enigma (it is called Ittle Dew). There is a secret dungeon, with the most difficult puzzle in the game. Everytime that I don't know how to do the puzzle, I try many different tricks, If I can't find it within 30 minutes, I let it down, and begin again tomorrow. EVERY TIME I start the game again, I almost instantanously know how to solve the puzzle, or new stages of it. I'll not get into the detail, but, it is how your mind work, everytime you find an obstacle that you don't know how to face, if you give it enough time, you'll ALWAYS find the solution, always, guaranteed, just don't give up ! Fiix a timeframe where you brainstorm about your life purpose, let's say 1 hour every night and 2 when it is your day off. Stick to that, try lots of differents stuff: - Try new hobbies. - Do some values assesments. - Go to conferences (about any field). - Search the web at random subjects and jobs . - Go to some jobs helping center (don't know the expression in english ^^). If you see that you have some motivation issues, find some motivation video on youtube. If you have to, watch one everytime before you schedule, don't be afraid to seems silly in front of you wives/kids, you're doing something that will change your life for god sake ! Now, notes everything you like about these things, and after, I don't know, 3 months, read the list and try to concentrate all the points into 5. There you goes, you just have to seach jobs alongside those qualities and values of yours. It is a matter of time and time only, everyone have a purpose, but few have the motivation and will to find it, mostly because of limiting beliefs, negative social circle/relationship, and simply because they don't know it is a real thing ... The life purpose course of Leo is very very good, the price is silly for what you will get from it. What is 250$ against a life of bliss and fulfillement ? I mean, it's just 3 paycheck if you're on a minimum wage ... There isn't a purpose in the sense that everything that you do will get crushed at some point. In 5000 years, no one will remember you, even if you were a world class genius. Even in we find a way to travel into space and colonized an another earth-like planet, the galaxies and the universe itself will crumble. So even if you were the one guy who saved your race from extinction, it wouldn't matter anyway ... Now, what is a life purpose then ? Simply a task that you love to do, for the sake of doing it. I'm talking about a task that you love so much that you would pay for doing it, that you can do and don't even see time passing (like 8 hours in a row), you also think about it all the time. It really feels like your soul is attracted, you feel an energy inside you, that is so enormous, so vibrant, that you'refeeling the divine inside you, That's called life, live your fucking life !

[11th Dec. 2016] All I can say is; today was a great day. I haven't felt like this in years. I've changed the way I interact with people and it's resulted in me experiencing a lot more positive feelings. To go from emotional neglect to being happy again was bliss. I did in fact do a little experiment to see how my mindset changed things. After spending most my morning with other people and feeling energised from treating myself level with others, I decided to switch my mindset temporarily back to feeling inferior and I started a conversation from that perspective. I noticed how this meant the other person ended up mocking me more and would disregard my personal space and ultimately be more disrespectful. I felt all my energy being drained and that enthusiasm I couldnt hold back before kinda just burnt out. It's interesting who the real energy drainers are. I did this experiment with a few people and some didn't change their behaviour and treated me ok while some saw it as a vulnerability they could predate on. Besides the energy drainers, I also found there were some that really clicked with me which didn't happe before. I held the longest and most exciting conversation with this one person where we were both really engaged and found it hard to bring it to a close - as we were having such a laugh. Honestly, I can say I no longer feel like a loser deep down and this has really shifted my confidence. I went to a wedding with the same mindset and received much more positive vibes. Usually I'd be eating shit on a Sunday but I made myself some nice salads with French or Caesar dressing with a whole bunch of other healthy meals and I just can't help but relish how good it feels on a profound level. Like if I ate my lamb doner kebab or something sure it would taste great for those few moments of eating - but that pleasure is fleetIng. You get left feeling bloated, lazy and still feeling unsatisfied. Eat healthy 90% of the time, eat whatever the fuck you want for the 10%. Simple. I've been watching the SAS: who dares wins series on channel 4 and it's making me realise a lot more strongly how you only realise who the real you is through hardships and challenges. I feel like I'm not challenging myself to the point of breaking (not literally) and it means I can't develop as much as I want. I need to take up challenges like swimming x laps of the pool or burn x calories at the gym or spend x hours focused on schoolwork. Mentally and physically I can push harder - I know I can. Also, the apprentice is going great. I really liked the recent episode on creating and marketing a Gin. Or Giin should I say. Habits: Slept late but I woke up at 8:30 which is early on a Sunday. Its 1:14am as I write this so sleep time is definitely in the red. Water was pretty good, I drank regularly but I didn't track it just kinda went with how it felt. I estimate about 2.5l or slightly more is how much I drank. Granted its less less than yesterday but my bottles broken so I had to make due with smaller bottles and glasses of water. Exercise, I am going swimming tomorrow but actually I almost feel like going gym as well after watching SAS. We'll see ? Pre out. ?

my mind doesn`t know yet if that is stable or not but I am pretty sure. Since a few days I don`t care any longer whats Happening on the so called outside because I know that this is also me but just a mere reflection. I feel bliss and happiness no matter what appears as an experience and there is no negative emotion. enlightenment or Realisation is just one of These experiences that pass through me. I don`t care about those as well as Long as I am so blissful and excited. Forget about enlightenment ;-)

@CreativeInertia I get rid of values every day. Try it. Sit still in silence and watch how your mind comes up with an ideal. Watch the pain that comes with it, the duality between your ideal and the situation that triggered it. Then understand that the reason you are in pain is because you have an idea that is in conflict with reality. That is your conditioning because you wore this pattern in over a long period of time it became "normal" and that is what you mistake yourself for. Once you release the ideal you feel the bliss of who you are. The ideal will come back, keep working on it and you will eventually condition yourself to stay "in the heart" (your mind will turn around and rest in its source).. If you can create a conditioning for self inquiry and decondition yourself to uphold stupid values that do nothing but delude you, you will become free of all your conditioning. Thats purification process. As long as youre extroverting your mind and doing "self development" you are conditioning your mind to extrovert. You will never become self realized doing this. At the moment you are theorizing and idealizing about enlightenment. Do the actual work, because the more you theorize the ore you will end up deluded by these ideals and the suffering will not cease. When you have done that you will see for yourself what is real, and you will understand what im saying.

You got to understand that most these ideals are born of ignorance based on egoic differentiations and are nothing to do with reality. Reality is nondualistic, a bank robber is the same as an enlightened mahatma. Have goals by all means, do what you are blessed to do, but leos ideas are not based on functional ability, they are based on developing character traits that only exist in the egoic mind and are not actually real. Thats why they are absurd, because they are the ego romanticizing enlightenment. A real mahatma would laugh at this because its delusion. Suffering is not an illusion, its self inflicted because of the ego. But the suffering does not come from not being perfect, it comes from the ego trying to BE perfect, and making differentiations that are not actually there. Empathy is a delusion, sorry but it is. Adults understand that people live and die, why would a mahatma leave his bliss to get upset about things he has no control over. Ideals of compassion and emotional empathy are delusions based on chopping reality up into bits and trying to control reality. This is not enlightenment, its boo hoo bullshit of the "grown up" inner child who is conditioned to believe in compassion and empathy.